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Toge takes a deep breath as they finish the team stretch before practice starts. He currently plays goalie on his university’s football team. It’s his first year of university and the pressure of playing at a higher level with people just as good as he is or even better is daunting, but he’s stayed strong. A big part of that was having met Yuuta a few months back, another football player on the team who plays midfielder. They’d gotten paired up randomly during the orientation for the football team for warmups.
They’d started as friends, practically together and studying together to help keep each other on track. Suddenly, the study sessions turned into meeting each other’s friends, late night movie marathons, and weekends free of obligation spent exploring the city. Toge won’t lie to anyone, he fell hard and fast but, in his defense, Yuuta was something out of his dreams. A sweet guy, who appeared intimating out on the field but would never hurt anyone, one who shared the same love for football as Toge did. It felt right and Toge let himself fall because he never expected to hit the floor, but he should’ve been more cautious, considering his position on the football teamed consisted of keeping the ball from falling.
The atmosphere right now on the field is tense. The captains keep glancing at Toge, narrowing their eyes as they try and decipher what the problem is but Toge just dismisses them with a fake smile and a wave of his hand, still void of goalie gloves. This time is usually spent joking around and relaxing before the actual practice starts since the start of the season is right around the corner but today it’s different with Toge standing on the other side of the field from Yuuta, someone he’s practically joined at the hip with, but not today.
Yuuta isn’t even looking at Toge from where he’s currently stretching, which doesn’t surprise Toge at all. They had a pretty intense fight last night so now, they’re not speaking.
Toge tries not to dwell on it as he readjusts the laces of his cleats even if they don’t need it. He doesn’t spare Yuuta, the cause of his hurt a second glance as he grabs his goalie gloves and heads towards the goal. He doesn’t want to dwell because couples fight, it happens. They’re not an exception but somehow what they fought about, what they’d said felt final.
The drills stay awkward and Toge practically bolts when it’s time for the conditioning to start. They’re running laps today like they do every practice leading up to the season but today, every kilometer seems to burn Toge’s lungs more than usual.
He hears the sound of shoes coming up behind him and he knows who they belong to. It makes him push himself to run faster and create more distance between them, but Yuuta has always been faster, better, a prodigy of an athlete, really. Toge has always admired and loved that about him but today it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
“Toge, wait up!” Yuuta calls after him but the midfielder is already closing the distance between them.
Toge just keeps running. He doesn’t want to talk. They talked enough last night, didn’t they? Maybe it’s selfish but he doesn’t want to talk right now.
“Talk to me, please,” Yuuta begs from beside him now, keeping a steady pace with Toge.
Toge looks down at the track, watching his shoes hit the ground as he keeps running. “Yuuta,” he mumbles, trying to keep his breath steady. Conditioning for a university team is so different than high school.
“I never said I was going to go,” Yuuta tries to reason with his boyfriend. “It’s not even a guaranteed thing!”
Toge stops running, almost falling over and getting run over by a few other players. He shakes his head and moves to the grass. “Yuuta,” he sighs, running a hand through his sweaty hair. Here they go again. It’s the same fight they had last night.
Yuuta comes to a stop beside him. “I won’t go if you don’t want me to go,” he says, just like he did the night before.
The words make Toge mad.
“Yuuta,” he says, angrier this time. Go, he signs, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Because it is because Yuuta will never get another chance like this again. Yuuta is a prodigy at football and has been since he started playing a few years back. He was invited to a European football camp the summer before university started and he’d done amazing, so good in fact that they’ve invited him back and this could mean a lot of things for someone as talented as him. It could mean playing for a team in a professional league, building a career out of his passion, and reaching what so many only dreams of.
But Yuuta isn’t seeing that right now. He thinks they won’t take him, that it’s no different than the camp but Toge along with their university team and the athletic department doesn’t see it this way. Toge can’t imagine Yuuta not taking this opportunity, he needs to do, has to go so they can see even more of his potential.
“And if nothing happens?” Yuuta argues back, wiping the sweat off his forehead. “I’ll have left everything, Toge, and it seems like no one understands that. I’ll miss the season, I’ll miss finals, I’ll miss you,” he tries to reason as a frown spreads across his face. “And it seems like everyone, including you, keeps pushing me to do something that I might regret.”
You’re amazing, you know this, Toge signs, looking down at the grass. Of course, they’ll take you.
“And if I leave and don’t come back?” Yuuta whispers. “You’re fine with that?” It sounds more like an accusation than a hypothetical and it makes Toge feel horrible on the inside.
Of course, he doesn’t want Yuuta to leave. He wants him here, on the same team, so they can experience it all together. He doesn’t want him to leave because then, he’ll be alone, despite his teammates, his friends, and everything else. It won’t be the same as having his boyfriend here, and he knows this, but he’d feel even worse ten years down the road if something happens between them and Toge has to live with the knowledge that he held back someone with as much potential as Yuuta. He knows it’s almost certain Yuuta won’t come back, he saw what the staff and coaches said about Yuuta after the summer camp, they’d all be extremely impressed with him. They’d all seen his potential enough to invite him back and Toge loves football, has read and watched the stories of how some of his favorite players came to be and most of them went through the same motions that Yuuta is currently going through. Get invited to camp and get invited back to see how they mesh with the current team.
So, Toge swallows the hurt, no matter how selfishly he wants to tell Yuuta to stay. He lets himself fall and hit the ground, shattering himself into a million pieces practically as he nods in response to Yuuta’s question. The action makes his stomach churn, and his eyes burn as he watches their relationship, their trust, and the love they’ve built since the beginning of the year shatter before his eyes.
Yuuta doesn’t reply, just sucks his lips into his mouth, a sign that Toge knows all too well. It means he’s trying not to cry. It makes Toge feel worse because he did that, he’s the one making Yuuta feel this way, but he doesn’t want someone he loves as much as Yuuta to have regrets because of him. Yuuta just sighs and turns around, walking away and leaving Toge behind.
It’s fine, Toge thinks as he tries not to cry himself. It’s fine, he repeats it again, knowing that eventually, Yuuta will forget him and forget all the hurt.
Yuuta leaves for Europe the following week. He doesn’t spare Toge a second glance as he says goodbye to the football team and wishes them a good season.
Toge swallows the hurt and tries not to let it show on his face.
Maki, one of Yuuta and Toge’s mutual friends tells Toge that Yuuta is leaving that night, taking a late flight so no one can see him bask in the hurt when everyone is so excited for him to go.
Yuuta arrives in Europe and thrives, despite the doubt he felt. Settling into a new country, new city, and a new team is hard at first but slowly, he adjusts.
Football consumes the majority of his life and he’s glad for it because the heartbreak still aches in his chest. It’s hard to think of Toge but it seems as if everything reminds him of his ex-boyfriend. Yuuta struggles a lot in the beginning so he avoids social media since he doesn’t want to see his old team post about their season or old friends share their university experiences.
But time passes and Yuuta heals. He trains and adapts. He gets better, gets to play on the actual team after a lot of training, and gets sponsor deals here and back home in Japan. But he never stops thinking of Toge, he could never stop. Now, the ache sits like a low simmer instead of the ranging fire he’d first felt when he left Japan.
Time passes and Yuuta excels even more. He gets bought by a better team and starts making more money. He gets more time off and travels home to Japan in time to attend his old university friends’ graduation. He knows Toge will be there, but he pushes through despite knowing it’s been years since they last saw each other.
The graduation is bittersweet because Yuuta is happy to see his old friends, and gets to see how much they’ve changed and where they’re headed now that university is over. But seeing Toge makes Yuuta stumble where he stands because he still loves Toge, still dreams of him, and still misses him. Yuuta isn’t upset anymore with Toge, he knows now why Toge did what he did, said what he said to make Yuuta leave. But it’s still hard to forget.
Still, it’s nice seeing Toge. He’s still the same but so different, still as attractive as Yuuta remembers him and as charismatic. Toge is happy to see him, and it makes hope and optimism grow in Yuuta’s stomach.
Toge knows he still loves Yuuta even after all these years. He’s so proud of Yuuta and he’s reminded of the fact every time he makes his way to work and sees all the advertisements with Yuuta’s face on them.
He gets reminded one more time when Maki and Megumi, old university friends Toge still keeps up with, tell him Yuuta got selected for the Japanese Olympic Football team. It’s a happy occasion and Toge can’t help but smile as he hears the news. He’s so incredibly proud of Yuuta, it’s ridiculous.
Toge loves him the night they all get together to celebrate Yuuta’s good news at a restaurant. Toge loves him when Yuuta invites them all to watch him play. Toge loves him even more as the night continues and Yuuta keeps glancing at him from the other side of the table.
It’s bittersweet when their hands accidentally touch, and the action makes Toge blush and Yuuta nervously smile.
Still, Toge doesn’t say no when Yuuta asks to walk him home.
“It was really nice to see you,” Yuuta says, stuffing his hands into his jacket.
Toge nods in agreement, looking over and up at Yuuta, not remembering when he got even more handsome.
Yuuta smiles. “Thank you for coming.” He almost looks nervous, and it reminds Toge of their first date so many years ago.
Of course, I’d come, Toge signs. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
“I’m glad,” Yuuta mumbles. “I was worried you might not come.”
Toge snorts, feeling the atmosphere get more teasing. What? You made the Olympic team, of course, I came.
Yuuta nods, turning towards Toge as they walk. “You look good,” he comments, backtracking after a second. “Not that you’ve ever looked bad.”
Toge smiles this time. You’re the professional football player. I’m just working at the office.
Yuuta laughs. “I still think you look good,” he reinforces his words.
They’re almost to Toge’s place and they only seem to keep walking closer to each other.
I never stopped thinking of you, Toge finds himself admitting, feeling better now that he’s gotten that off his chest. I’m happy I got to see you after you came back.
“I was angry at you, back then,” Yuuta admits. “But you were the main reason I left, you pushed me to leave and at first, I was upset about it. I would’ve stayed for you, I loved you—I still love you but, after a while, I saw the reason you pushed me to go, why you didn’t want me to waste the opportunity. I stopped being angry a long time ago.”
They’re at Toge’s place now, outside his door. Toge wasn’t expecting any of this, so he doesn’t know what to say.
“You’re also one of the reasons I wanted to come back,” Yuuta says, reaching over to take Toge’s hand to give it a gentle squeeze before letting it go. “I never stopped thinking of you and I guess, what I’m asking… you asked me to leave last time so this time, ask me to stay,” he confesses, looking worried as if expecting Toge to deny him. “Ask me to stay here for you and I will, because I still love you, Toge, I still think about you. Seeing you tonight, reminded me of when I saw you for the first time, how I felt like I was going to die from how red my face got and how cute I thought you were—still are.”
“Yuuta,” Toge whispers, feeling stunned at the revelation. He thought he’d lost his opportunity to be with Yuuta a long time ago. He’d felt sad at first, but he’d learned to deal, to cope because he always wanted Yuuta to succeed and reach his dreams, because he deserved everything and still does. He never thought he’d get another chance and certainly never expected Yuuta, his first love, the one who he pushed away to deliver it to him.
Are you sure? Toge asks him because he doesn’t think he could handle the heartbreak again if he did cause it the first time.
“You’re the only thing I’ve ever been sure of,” Yuuta professes. “If I’m being honest.”
I didn’t want to hold you back, Toge admits. That’s why I sent you away the first time.
Yuuta moves closer. “You were never holding me back, Toge.”
I felt like shit after you left for a long time, Toge signs, reaching forward this time and taking Yuuta’s hand.
“That’s the past,” Yuuta says. “We can start over now, a new beginning if you’ll have me.”
Toge nods, feeling a strange wave of déjà vu as he remembers what happened last time, he did that, with Yuuta, and how much life had changed.
But it’s different this time. It’s a brand new start and he can’t deny that it makes him swell with so much love, old and new as they kiss against his apartment door. The kiss feels the same but they’re more experienced this time, a little more desperate, but everything else feels the same, familiar. The heavy feeling of heartache is long gone now and replicated with hope.
Their love was good, it was bad, it was gone, but it’s back now, and Toge can’t help but smile into the kiss.
Toge never thought football would excite him again like it’d done before Yuuta had left, but now, watching in the stadium as the Olympics begin, under the bright lights, surrounded by thousands of people as the game begins and as the jumbotron zooms in on Yuuta who wears a smile warm enough to make Toge’s heart skip a beat, he remembers.