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Jungkook is twelve when he first figures out that he is different from other boys in his class. While they dream of taking the girls from the upper classes on dates (because girls their age are icky, thank you very much), Jungkook can’t take his eyes off the male upperclassman who is the captain of their school’s soccer team. He figures out the right term for it at age fourteen. Homosexual. Gay. Faggot, boys in his class would call them. Sinners, his mother says when reading about the topic in the papers. Disgusting, his father would add. Jungkook isn’t quite sure what it means to like boys instead of girls and why it is so bad, but he knows to bite his tongue and pretends to be equally as interested in the short skirts’ wearing girl groups that all boys his age fantasize of.
Jungkook is seventeen when he gets his first boyfriend. They meet each other in judo class. Yunjae is funny and charming, and Jungkook is instantly falling for him. They meet up in secret, sneak kisses and hold hands in the shadows of the vibrant city that is Busan. It is more than enough for Jungkook, but it isn’t enough for Yunjae. And of course Jungkook is also curious. He is nearing the end of puberty, full of confusing hormones, and all his friends constantly boast about how nice sex is. Naturally he too wants to know what all the hype is about. They start innocently. Exploring touches, making out while grinding against each other, messy handjobs and awkward and inexperienced blowjobs. It is nice, but it isn’t anything special. Jungkook much prefers when they lie on the couch, cuddled up and watching a movie. Yunjae not so much. They break up after four months. Jungkook quits judo.
Jungkook is twenty, fresh out of the military and just starting university when he has to admit to himself that there is something fundamentally wrong with him. He used to be confident in his sexuality, although he prefered to keep it to himself except for people he genuinely trusted to not judge him, his brother and close friends. He finds that people at university are significantly more open-minded. More accepting. He finds a group of friends that are gay, just like him. And then he finds that they are inherently different. Much like them, he fools around with others because he’s young and finally surrounded by men who openly want to fool around with him too. He gets himself a boyfriend or two. He has sex in the intimacy of his dorm room with paper-thin walls and he gets a blowjob in the bathroom of an overcrowded club. He tries dirty talk, kinky stuff, tries being on the bottom and being on top. And it’s not bad, he doesn’t hate it, but… it’s just really not that great either.
When he asks his friends about it, they think he’s joking. They don’t understand how he could possibly hate having his nipples touched unless he has finally succumbed to pleasure, a feeling that makes him feel a bit sick inside most of the time. They don’t understand that he can’t shut his mind off and just enjoy the feeling, always thinking, rarely really getting lost in the moment. They don’t understand that he prefers intimacy over pleasure, that he doesn’t really get horny. He never looks at someone attractive and thinks he’d like to smack that. So his friends suggest that maybe Jungkook isn’t gay after all. It’s a thought he had never entertained, but worth giving a try. So he finds out if it’s right or wrong. But as it turns out, sleeping with a woman feels even worse. Absolutely wrong. He tells his friends that much. They agree that he’s not heterosexual then and maybe just in a funk. Jungkook stops fooling around with others. He’s not quite sure he’d call himself homosexual anymore either.
For months he feels odd. Broken. Full of self-doubt. Alienated from the rest of the world, because who doesn’t like sex? But Jungkook learns that he’s not alone. One night, when he can hear people down the hall from his dorm room moan obscenely, he takes his self-loathing to the internet. Puts ‘Why does sex disgust me’, ‘I can’t get horny’, ‘Why do I hate sex’ into the search engine and gets results on all kidns of metnal and physical illnesses that impact one’s sex drive. But buried underneath all these links claiming to know what is wrong with him, Jungkook finds what he hasn’t even known he’s been searching for. Jungkook is twenty-one when he learns about asexuality, and for the first time it all makes sense.
Except for that it doesn’t. Jungkook’s relief is short-lived. He finally thinks that he knows who he is, likes the term and the definition because yes, yes, that’s how he feels, a relationship with sex that he could never quite put into words but there are others out there that feel like this too. He finally finds a definition that he thinks he truly can identify with. If only that didn’t raise the question of where he belongs. He brings up the term casually in conversation with some of his friends that are gay. Some laugh, others scoff. He learns quickly that asexuals have no place in this community that preaches inclusiveness, are even more scorned and disputed than bisexuals because it’s so easy for them to pass as heteronormative. He confides in his brother his new identity. His brother blinks at him in confusion. “You mean asexual like a plant?”
He keeps it to himself afterwards. Realizes it’s better to not acknowledge that while he finds men pleasing to look at, he’d much rather cuddle with them than have them anywhere near his dick. It works just fine. It’s not like anyone would ever expect that there’s someone in their midst that does not in fact experience sexual attraction.
He gets another boyfriend, Donghyun. They are all cute dates and giggles, careful not to be too obvious but still relatively secure in openly dating in Seoul. It’s not always easy, doesn’t save them from bigotted remarks, but the anonymity of the giant city at least doesn’t make them have to hide who they really are. Well, at least partially. Jungkook has sex with Donghyun. It’s a mixture of love and obligation, but more often than not he’ll come up with excuses. He’s got a headache. He’s really tired. He doesn’t want to miss the plot of this movie so could Donghyun please get his hand off Jungkook’s dick.
“Do you not love me anymore?” Donghyun asks after once again Jungkook dodges his advances. No, that’s not it at all, Jungkook is quick to assure him.
“Then do you not find me attractive anymore?” Donghyun tries again. No, that is far from the truth as well. But Donghyun is hurt and he doesn’t understand the problem, and Jungkook thinks that it’s probably time to tell him. It’s not like he kept it a secret on purpose, it’s just that it never came up in conversation, and besides it”s not even that big of a deal, so he just admits it.
“I’m asexual.“
But apparently it is a big deal, and at the end of the conversation Jungkook is yet again single. And hurt. And accused of being a liar. And wondering if there’s something wrong with him after all.
Jungkook learns his lesson, and from then on never fails to mention his sexuality on the first date. Some end it soon after. Others are decent enough to stay until the end only to tell him that it won’t work out. One asks him if he’s been sexually abused as a child to turn out this way. And then there are those that believe that their cocks have the healing power to show him that he does enjoy it after all and make it their personal challenge to convince him to fuck with them so he’ll learn what good sex really is. It’s humiliating. Disheartening. Most of all, it’s a lonely life.
Jungkook meets Namjoon at a club at age twenty-three. Namjoon is the only one sat at the table, watching what Jungkook assumes to be his very drunk group of friends ridiculing themselves on the dance floor fondly.
“Can I get you anything to drink?” Jungkook screams over the loud music. Namjoon startles, not having noticed that Jungkook had approached him.
“No thank you, I have a boyfriend.”
“And I have a job that doesn’t allow me to flirt with our customers if I don’t want to lose it,” Jungkook replies dryly, waving the empty tray in front of Namjoon. The man blushes so hard that Jungkook can even pick up on it under the dim lights of the night club, and orders a round of drinks for himself and his friends.
They meet again a couple of days later on campus at the library. Jungkook is studying for his finals when he notices the guy across from him constantly stealing glances at him. He doesn’t give it much of a second thought. It’s only when he’s back at the locker he stored his stuff in that the guy approaches him.
“I’m sorry but you look oddly familiar. Have we met before?”
The innocent question spirals into an hour of conversation because for some reason, he and Namjoon really get along quite well for two absolute strangers. They exchange numbers. Naturally, that leads to some internet stalking. Jungkook finds Namjoon’s Instagram account easily. It’s full of pictures of nature and art. Namjoon in a pretty coffee shop. Namjoon on top of a mountain. Namjoon, next to a handsome man who shows up in some other pictures as well, looking ridiculously happy. Jungkook guesses that this is the boyfriend Namjoon had mentioned. They look good together. It probably helps that both of them look good by themselves as well. Jungkook feels a pang of longing and closes the Instagram app on his phone. There’s no reason to dwell over things he'll never be able to have.
Jungkook doesn’t think that he’ll meet Namjoon again. University is like that. You meet people once, get along well, exchange contact details, and then never hear from each other ever again. But within three months he is considered part of Namjoon’s group of friends, a ragtag group of different majors and even more different personalities that somehow really work together, and Jungkook fits right in. There’s Jin, Namjoon’s boyfriend. Yoongi, who looks like the brooding type until one gets to know him closer and realizes that he tends to crack the dumbest jokes. Hoseok, all heart-shaped smiles and a crazy good dancer. Jimin, with the kindest eyes and most caring personality. And Taehyung. Fucking Kim Taehyung, the most beautiful person to walk this god-forsaken planet. His face is a work of art that ought to be chiseled into a block of marble so his beauty can be captured in a statue for the rest of eternity. He’s quiet and introspective, but has the loudest sneeze known to mankind that scares the living crap out of Jungkook. He learns to play the trumpet and loves jazz. Spends hours in his small studio apartment painting. Jungkook wants to marry him. Fuck, for a moment he een considers denouncing his asexuality because Taehyung is one hell of a fine human being. But no. On second thought he likes the idea of sexually being with Taehyung, but given the chance he probably wouldn’t want to go through with it. He’s been with really beautiful people before, and it never made a difference to his desire, or better his lack thereof. Taehyung is just beautiful, and funny, and charming, and thoughtful, and Jungkook has a massive dumb crush on him, but it’s not like he’d ever have a chance, not even if he wasn’t aversed to sex. So he bottles up his feelings and ignores his crush, and pretends he doesn’t notice when Taehyung’s eyes linger on him for a bit too long.
“So how long are you going to pretend that you’re not head over heels in love with Taehyung and put the boy out of his misery?” Namjoon asks the question as casually as if he was asking about the weather. Jungkook sputters, chokes on his drink, and dissolves into a loud coughing fit in an almost empty coffee shop.
“What are you talking about?” He wheezes, beating his chest to try to calm down again.
“Oh please, as if it isn’t obvious that the both of you have been pining over each other since pretty much the first time you’ve met.” Namjoon looks smug. Jungkook feels defeated. He had hoped that he was subtle, but he must have been wrong.
“It’s complicated,” he murmurs, drawing his shoulders up and making himself smaller. He’s not sure if he’s ready for this conversation, not again. Namjoon is someone he really looks up to. He doesn’t want to talk about his defect with someone he admires, scared of Namjoon’s reaction.
“But you’re single?” Namjoon asks, frowning in confusion as he notices Jungkook’s discomfort.
“Yes.”
“And you're attracted to men?”
“Yes.”
“And you do like Taehyung, right?”
“… yes.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
Jungkook almost doesn’t say it. But Namjoon looks earnest and Jungkook is sick and tired of being weary about who he is. “I’m asexual.”
He braces himself for the reaction. The taunting, the confusion, the “what is wrong with you” that is going to hurt like hell, but it never comes. Instead, understanding dawns on Namjoon’s face.
“It’s tough sharing that, isn’t it? Because most people don’t understand, or they don’t want to understand.”
Jungkook nods, and now he’s the one who’s confused, because Namjoon almost sounds like he’s saying that-
“I’m also asexual.”
Okay. Certainly not what Jungkook had expected, but it’s not an unwelcome surprise. There’s someone across from him who feels the same way. Who understands. Who won’t judge, or call it a fad. That’s nice. Comforting. So does that mean-
“Jin-hyung too?” Jungkook asks, because if Namjoon is asexual then Jin must be asexual as well, because it couldn’t possibly work out for someone asexual to date someone who enjoys sex, right? At least that’s what Yunjae taught him, and Donghyun too, and all the others that came between and after.
“Jin has a perfectly average sex-drive,” Namjoon answers. By now he must have picked up on Jungkook’s bafflement, his eyebrows drawing together in concern as. He notices Jungkook’s eyes glazing over. With relief, because finally he’s met someone like him who proves that love can still exist like this. With frustration, because how can love for them exist in a sex-driven world like this that makes you feel less for not enjoying it?
Namjoon is patient with him. Explains gently. Realizes that this is Jungkook’s first time having a conversation with someone who is just like him. He understands the struggle. He was lucky to meet Jin young, to grow into their relationship and into his sexuality together at the same time. It had been confusing in the past, and it definitely isn’t always easy, but they have made it work. Namjoon has never had to face much judgement, at least not for his sexuality. Dating a man was a different story.
“I’m not sex-repulsed. I guess you can compare it to a chore. Like doing the dishes. Sometimes I’ll just get them over and done with, and sometimes I;ll turn on music and halfway through really start getting into it. Do you know what I mean?” Namjoon waits for Jungkook’s response. When the younger one nods, he continues: “It’s a compromise. We have less sex than the average couple I suppose. I don’t mind giving as much as receiving, so it’s often just me doing something for Jin. But every relationship is unique in that aspect. This is what works for us, but it might be different for someone else.”
Jungkook takes all the information in. It makes sense, the comparison to it being a chore. He thinks that he feels similar. He knows there are asexuals out there that are sex-positive, and others who are sex-repulsed. He wouldn’t call himself sex-repulsed,at least not most of the time. But he thinks sex-positive also doesn’t entirely fit.
“And the others all know about it?”
“They know, and they don’t care or judge. Not that it is any of their business anyway.”
Jungkook mulls that over. It’s nice that Namjoon has that kind of community he can openly be himself with. It’s even nicer that they consider Jungkook to be a part of it too.
“Thank you,” Jungkook eventually says, after having sorted out some of his initial thoughts. “I’ve never… never met someone like me. No one ever really understood it before. I appreciate your openness. I think I really needed to hear all of that.”
Jungkook tells the rest of them two weeks after his talk with Namjoon. He supposes that Jin already knows. The rest of them seem unfazed. Jimin pats his back encouragingly and the tension drains out of Jungkook’s shoulders all at once. For the first time in a long while, he truly feels at ease with who he is.
Taehyung asks him out on a date only two days after Jungkook’s coming out. Jungkook blushes and stutters and accepts the invitation. Taehyung takes him to a cocktail bar with a live jazz band. The bar is decorated like the living room of an old grand mansion. It’s a lovely place, with fun and unique drinks. Jungkook is nervous, but more than anything, he is excited.
They have a wonderful time, laughing and talking and listening to good music, the alcohol a pleasant buzz in Jungkook’s veins. The night air is a bit chilly and refreshing as they walk home. Taehyung invites him up into his studio apartment. Jungkook takes him up on the offer. They’ve never mentioned Jungkook’s sexuality all night, but Jungkook knows what joining someone at the end of the date implies. He doesn’t really want that. He just wants to spend some more time with Taehyung before he has to leave.
The studio apartment is small. A bedroom, a kitchen and living area, and a room for Taehyung’s paintings, canvases and art supplies. Jungkook looks at his art, heart thumping nervously in his chest, while Taehyung is making them coffee in the kitchen. Taehyung's art is unique. Jungkook quite enjoys it. Taehyung returns, offers him his mug, and they talk about it for a bit.
“I want to paint you,” Taehyung says once their mugs are empty.
“What, like one of your French girls?” Jungkook replies jokingly.
The corners of Taehyung’s lips twitch upwards at Jungkook’s Titanic reference, but he shakes his head, eyes piercing Jungkook as if they can see right through him into his soul.
“No. I want to paint you. You’re beautiful. It would be an honor to have my art on you.”
That’s how Jungkook finds himself shirtless in Taehyung’s studio. The goosebumps he blames on the temperature in the room, but if he was honest they were the product of Taehyung’s brush strokes and fingertips dancing over Jungkook’s skin, leaving trails of color in their wake. Taehyung works quietly, focused. Sometimes he’ll hum a soft melody. Jungkook barely allows himself to breathe, scared to make a sound that could ruin the spell of the moment between them. Taehyung leaves lines and patterns on his arms, his back, and his chest. Jungkook squirms a bit when Taehyung’s touch travels over his stomach, ticklish.
When Taehyung is finished, he takes a step back, eyes traveling over Jungkook’s body appraisingly, before settling on his face.
“My god, you’re beautiful,” he breathes out, voice low and scratchy and making a shiver run down Jungkook’s spine. “I really want to kiss you.”
Jungkook cocks his head curiously. “Then why don’t you?”
When Taehyung hesitates, Jungkook takes it upon himself to make his wish come true and closes the distance between them. It’s tentative and gentle, so unlike the confidence of the brush and fingers earlier on Jungkook’s skin.
It’s perfect.
Jungkook stays the night. They talk, and they laugh, and they kiss some more, and that’s all that happens. In the morning, before Jungkook leaves, they shower together, Taehyung cleaning his back and his arms and his chest as gently with soap as he had painted them. Jungkook enjoys every second of it.
Taehyung gets hard. Jungkook asks him if he wants Jungkook to take care of it. Taehyung only kisses him in response and asks Jungkook to wash his back as well.
“Why did you only ask me out after I told you all that I was asexual?” Jungkook asks two weeks later. They’re all at the park together. The others are playing frisbee and Yoongi has wandered off to get them some snacks. Jungkook and Taehyung are lying next to each other on a picnic blanket, watching white fluffy clouds pass by on an otherwise clear blue sky. They’re taking it slow, exploring the new depths of their relationship, setting necessary boundaries. Jungkook wouldn’t mind having sex with Taehyung. He thinks he would enjoy the emotional aspect of it, the intimateness that comes of it shared with the person that he slowly begins to love. He knows that he will have sex with Taehyung, but when the time comes it’s because he wants to and not because he feels that he must.
“I didn’t even know if you were into guys,” Taehyung answers, eyes tracking a cloud up high that is the shape of a dragon. Jungkook turns to look at him, soaks up every aspect of his beautiful features. “Once you told us, I talked to Namjoon about it. I knew about asexuality in theory, but I never really looked much into it. Like does that mean you like girls or boys or both or neither and all that stuff. Namjoon really took his time to explain it all to me. That sexuality does not necessarily equal romantic interest. That there’s a large spectrum from being absolutely disgusted by sex to this gray area of wanting it sometimes. And then he told me to stop being an idiot and ask you out already.”
Jungkook reaches out for Taehyung’s hand that is resting on his chest and locks their fingers together. “I’ve dated a lot in the past, but I eventually gave up on it. No one really wanted to understand asexuality and what it means, or at least they didn’t want to understand it, and I dreaded the idea of being with someone who could never fully accept who I am. Of course I had thought of dating another asexual, but I never met one before and at some point I gave up on that idea too. Meeting Namjoon and learning to understand that a relationship can work if both are willing to make it work and compromise, I was so happy. I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was broken and needed fixing.”
Taehyung squeezes Jungkook’s hand in his and turns his head to look at him. Jungkook’s heart does a somersault in his chest as Taehyung’s eyes settle on him. They hold so much warmth and affection, like he’s something truly special.
“Broken? I can’t believe people made you feel that way over something that you can’t change. For what it’s worth, you seem pretty much perfect to me.”
Jungkook is twenty-three when he realizes that he is fine the way he is, and that if people have a problem with that it’s really none of his business. They can go fuck themselves if they need it that bad, and he’ll happily cuddle with his boyfriend instead.