Archive of Our Own

yeonjun is losing his mind.

he watches from the corner of his eye how beomgyu is literally just sitting on soobin's lap not a few seats away. he chooses to ignore it. he's been trying to ignore it for a long time. a really fucking long time. he cannot look away anymore.

they're getting ready for a performance, and yeonjun is getting his makeup done. in absolute silence, may he add, before beomgyu came in and begun cuddling with a completely dressed soobin. what's really funny to yeonjun is that soobin doesn't even push him away. he's ready and get on stage, and beomgyu is rubbing up against him like that. why is soobin not getting rid of beomgyu?

"you're so cute, beomgyu-yah." soobin coos, and pinches beomgyu's cheeks. beomgyu giggles a bit at that. he sinks further into soobin's hand. and he fucking lets him. yeonjun struggles to not scream at the top of his lungs to keep both of them away. he tones his anger down to just curling his fist into a punch, and rests his hands on his lap. the stylist noona notices and understands yeonjun's anger. when he finds her staring at him, he relaxes his fingers and tries to let go of his anger. breathe in and breathe out, he reminds himself. don't behave too obvious.

but he did! all the time! yeonjun is probably the most obvious person there ever has been when it comes to terms of love. everyone and their mom with two eyes can see how he basically has his eyes glued to beomgyu twenty four by seven. even the stylist noona has caught on. apart from beomgyu, everyone has, apparently.

jealousy pulses through yeonjun's veins. beomgyu, who has been clearly keeping away from him for more than a week now, seems to be at his friendship peak with literally everyone else in and outside their group. beomgyu has always been the one to cancel on his plans with his other idol friends just to hang out with yeonjun, or the rest of the band. but all of a sudden, it's like tomorrow by together is a four membered group- and yeonjun doesn't exist in beomgyu's eyesight.

beomgyu has even met up even all of his other idol friends, like twice this week. respectfully, by no means is yeonjun trying to gatekeep or limit him to the group but he cannot help but wonder, what changed between them? beomgyu, who used to come to yeonjun for late night cuddles when he couldn't sleep, beomgyu who used to be yeonjun's little puppy- did he forget him and replace him so soon? with someone like soobin, who already had his hueningkai and taehyun benefits? yeonjun feels a betrayed pang in his chest.

"oh, look." soobin says a little loudly, hundred percent guessing yeonjun's jealousy right. through the mirror, soobin shoots yeonjun a wink. yeonjun rolls his eye at him hard. soobin nudges beomgyu lightly and shifts his attention on yeonjun who was still seated on the seat, getting his hair done now. "yeonjun hyung's biceps look so cool, beomgyu-ah. have you been working out more lately, hyung?"

yeonjun watches as beomgyu pops his eye open slowly, and takes a good look at yeonjun. beomgyu just stares blankly and it makes yeonjun gulp hard. does he not like it? is beomgyu really upset with yeonjun over something? what can yeonjun do to fix it? beomgyu still has his eyes fixed on yeonjun's well defined hands, and he's just not looking away. neither looking away nor speaking on it. yeonjun feels small and self conscious under beomgyu's intense gaze. that's what his feelings do to him when beomgyu was around. pure torture.

yeonjun's 'gay awakening' was choi beomgyu. well, yeonjun didn't really go through a dramatic realization which involved tons of denial. it just...happened, with time. beomgyu always stuck around yeonjun, and that was a fact. every body could tell that. and it's normal, yeonjun thinks. it's normal to have your favourites in a group. everyone has them. he doesn't know who beomgyu's favourite is (he has a sneaking suspicion that it's hueningkai, but yeonjun doesn't mean to assume anything), but for sure if anyone ever asks him who his favourite member was, yeonjun wouldn't even have to think once, let alone twice.

in a breath, without a thought- he'd choose beomgyu. soobin had pointed this out earlier, hence yeonjun thinks he really isn't subtle about it.

beomgyu has looked away from the highlight that soobin wanted to show him, and yeonjun caught him murmuring something into soobin's shoulder. he's too far to hear it, damnit. yeonjun wants to know what beomgyu thinks of his outfit. does beomgyu approve of it? does yeonjun look hot enough?

beomgyu stands up straight. yeonjun's face beams up. maybe beomgyu is going to actually have a nice and civil conversation with him now. if he's lucky, beomgyu might even compliment him. yeonjun shakes his head a little when he hears his own thoughts. from an outsiders point of view, he must look so desperate and pathetically in love. that he is, and he's proud of it. he wouldn't trade beomgyu for the world. excitement bubbles up in yeonjun when beomgyu steals another glance at him.

"uh, i should check on the maknaes." this statement is directed towards soobin, obviously. now beomgyu doesn't look at yeonjun at all. he's looking right at soobin, and the taller of the two sneaks a look at yeonjun. he sees his bright face turn a little down. but it's yeonjun, soobin knows him. he wouldn't show his sorrow out in the public like that. he watches yeonjun gain momentum again. he watches him sport a little smile to his hairstylist. yeonjun looks down into his phone in slight disappointment.

"check on the maknaes?" soobin asks quickly, trying to make beomgyu stay. "but they're out to get-"

"sorry hyung, need to check on them, like right now." beomgyu replies absurdly, like he didn't even know what sort of a stupid excuse he was making. he shuffles uncomfortably.

"beomgyu!" soobin calls out, but beomgyu's out already. he just- walked out of the styling room.

yeonjun doesn't comment on it. soobin doesn't either.

maybe beomgyu really needs to check on the maknaes.

yeonjun tries not to think too much about it. he fails eventually.

|

way back at home, now yeonjun is completely positive that beomgyu has something up with him. if there were any doubts earlier (there weren't. yeonjun knew already.) beomgyu has gone to extreme heights and cleared it all now. yeonjun realises that he's now going an extra mile to avoid crossing paths with him. it's getting more and more frustrating by the minute, and yeonjun is really close to confronting beomgyu. but he chooses not to, not yet. beomgyu deserves to have his personal space as well. (even though beomgyu's one who always says 'hyung, if i ever ask you to leave me alone, or give me some personal space', please always know that i want more and more affection, and i don't want you to go. i'm just too shy to say it out loud.) but what can yeonjun even do if it's beomgyu who loves ignoring him as if he weren't even there?

yeonjun sighs deeply as he cracks open an egg from the edge of the pan. he's sad, and stressed- and doesn't even have his favorite buddy around. thankfully, taehyun is around to make yeonjun feel better. apparently better. "what're you doing, hyung?" taehyun asks, as he plops himself on the counter and picks up a strawberry from the fruit basket. yeonjun smacks his arm before taehyun can eat it. "go wash it before you eat."

taehyun doesn't complain verbally but he just whines, still obeying what yeonjun had told him. "you didn't answer my question." taehyun asks again, back on the counter and peacefully eating his now washed strawberry. "what are you doing?"

yeonjun looks a little annoyed at that question. "taking a shower." yeonjun replies blandly. taehyun doesn't laugh. instead, once again he asks in the same serious voice, "in the kitchen?" yeonjun looks at him, unimpressed. he doesn't have the energy to give taehyun a playful reply.

"okay grumpy pants." taehyun rolls his eyes and nibbles on the fruit slowly. "you don't have to take out your beomgyu frustration on me."

yeonjun shoots him a look. "who said anything about a beomgyu frustration?"

taehyun looks at yeonjun like he thinks that he's stupid. it's true. taehyun does in fact think that yeonjun is stupid. he stares blankly at yeonjun, while the said male holds up the spatula in his hand, threatening to hit taehyun. "i mean," taehyun begins as a matter of fact. "isn't it obvious?"

"why would it be obvious?" yeonjun furrows his eyebrows together in confusion.

"you tell me." taehyun shrugs. "why would choi yeonjun wake up early in the morning, and walk up to the kitchen and cook, when he knows i'd do it for us anyway?" taehyun mocks, and puts his hand on his chin to annoy yeonjun further. he succeeds, and he's a little frustrated.

when yeonjun doesn't answer, taehyun has to spell it out for him.

"maybe it's because hueningkai and beomgyu woke up early, and left the dorm- announcing that they'd only be back by midnight?" taehyun's statement hits yeonjun like a bullet- because that's exactly what had happened.

yeonjun was sleeping peacefully in his bedroom when beomgyu screamed for the entire dorm to hear. yeonjun woke up with a jolt and heard beomgyu's voice, "huening-ah and i are going out! we won't be back home soon, stay bored without us!" the others in the dorm probably didn't care, but yeonjun. striped of all sleep, now yeonjun wakes up in an angry way.

"no." yeonjun denies. "why would i be mad at that?"

"perhaps because beomgyu hyung is clearly avoiding you? and everyone here in this dorm can feel the tension. don't tell me you don't know of it." taehyun licks his fingers clean, and jumps off the counter that he was sitting on. yeonjun sighs.

"like, what have i even done to beomgyu?" yeonjun sounds frustrated. taehyun sighs as yeonjun is finally being transparent about what he feels. or so he thinks. "only a month ago, he used to be stuck to me like glue, and once i actually got used to it, beomgyu just- vanished. i don't know what to do."

"every time i try to offer him something, or suggest going out together- he always has plans." yeonjun looks hurt, taehyun notices. he's trying way too hard, and beomgyu's not co-operating one bit. "he's always busy when it comes to me." yeonjun shifts his face away from taehyun so the younger boy doesn't have to see the pout settled on his face. too bad, taehyun's seen it already. "it's a little disheartening."

"well." taehyun starts giving his own opinion on the matter. "maybe he's trying to avoid you because of his bubbling feelings for you. stupid people like beomgyu and well someone else tend to do that."

yeonjun gasps dramatically at taehyun and points at him accusingly. "are you calling soobinnie an idiot?" another gasp. "i'll tell him about his boyfriend back bitching about him."

"no worries, go ahead." taehyun giggles a little. "and yes, after all, soobin hyung and beomgyu hyung are best friends. binnie must've rubbed off his stupid technique onto beomgyu." he shrugs. "you never know."

"you think?" yeonjun's face perks up a little at the thought of beomgyu liking him back, in whatever amounts. yeonjun would take quite literally anything at the point. he feels so beomgyu deprived, his entire routine feels uneasy. maybe he's really clingy in general, or he's down bad. he knows it's the latter, but he wouldn't admit it. it's just a normal crush, yeonjun tells him, when it's not. and he knows that fact very well.

it's not a normal crush when yeonjun knows all the expressions of beomgyu's cute, goofy face. it's not a normal crush when yeonjun has all of beomgyu's distant aunts and uncles' names memorised as if they were his own family. it's not a normal crush when yeonjun just wants to bury his head in beomgyu's hair and inhale the homely scent of beomgyu's shampoo. it's not a normal crush if it's been going on for the past four fucking years. it's not a normal crush, and yeonjun knows it. yet he's too much of a coward.

"you really think?" yeonjun whispers with a little smile on his face. "there's a chance of him liking me back?"

"you're not going to know until you ask him, hyung." taehyun says as a matter of fact. "you're going to have to man up."

"but!" yeonjun lets out one frustrated groan at taehyun now. his eggs are long forgotten, the hunger in his stomach slowly fading. he needed to have the key to beomgyu's heart. this couldn't go on for any longer, else it'd be the death of yeonjun already. "i've been dropping hints in front of him for the past one and a half years! major ones that too!"

taehyun facepalms in front of yeonjun, and the older wonders if he'd said something wrong. "hyung." he's a little more firm now. yeonjun wants to listen attentively. for the sake of beomgyu being his. "it's choi beomgyu we're talking about, okay? the most oblivious, stupid, and air-headed guy i know. even if you kiss him and tell him that you like him, he'd take it platonically. he's not the one to pick up hints, hyung. if you want any chances of him and you being a thing, you need to spell every word of it out to him."

"he has a lot of idol friends, hyung." taehyun begins again. "and it's our loveable beomgyu hyung we're talking about. i wouldn't be surprised if someone else liked him too and i don't want any random guy to beat you to it, okay? you've waited long, and i think you just need to be blunt about it. it worked out for soobin and i, remember? we're happy with each other, hyung, really happy." taehyun stretches out his hands to yeonjun's shoulders and gives it a tight squeeze. "you deserve it too, hyung. you're too good for anyone. so go, get what's yours."

go, get what's yours.

|

yeonjun notices the air shift when beomgyu gets back to the dorm one night. as usual, beomgyu was out partying with his other friends, even though soobin had strictly asked him not to. poor leader, no one really paid any heed to his instructions anyway. yeonjun is already in his room for the night, having no work out of it.

he hears the door of the dorm open with a creak, and he knows who's home. he doesn't pay much mind to it. even though yeonjun and beomgyu live together, yeonjun seems to be forgetting what beomgyu looks like day by day. it's like a saddening realisation that has hit him- beomgyu isn't ever going back to how they were before. he's never going to appear in his room in the middle of the night and beg yeonjun to spoon him.

yeonjun lays dead in bed, brain running thousand thoughts per minute. everyone in the dorm is already asleep, he assumes, given it was three past something am. everyone but yeonjun. and now, everyone but yeonjun and beomgyu. his brain tells him - it's the perfect timing, go talk it out with beomgyu! , but his heart refuses. he cannot bear to look at one more of beomgyu's dull expression that he suddenly seems to wear the second yeonjun makes an appearance. it physically hurts him to see the love of his life detesting his presence around him. so yeonjun avoids. but for how much longer?

yeonjun turns his back towards the door and now rests on his left side. he brings his legs closer to his chest, embracing his loneliness. he knows this will affect his schedules tomorrow, but he feels drunk on the thought of beomgyu hating him. what had changed between them? what was different a few months ago than it is now? is it him? yeonjun desperately tries, everyday, to think of even one instance when he thinks that he might've even slightly angered beomgyu with any of his jokes. he knows, beomgyu can turn sensitive to even the silliest of jokes. and so he thinks- but he finds no traces of hopefully reasoned departure of beomgyu from his life. if anything, yeonjun would like to think, they were getting more close. they were the closest they'd ever been in their six years of friendship. and now, they're the farthest apart.

yeonjun hears another creak sound, but this time he doesn't have the liberty to gasp or make a physical reaction. he knows that the door to his room just opened. and everyone is sleeping which means-

beomgyu's feet make little noise on the wooden flooring of yeonjun's room. he sees a figure asleep- facing his back to the door. beomgyu cannot catch a single glimpse of his hyung. his sigh resonates in the silent room. beomgyu walks in slowly, as if not to wake up his sleeping hyung.

yeonjun hyung. beomgyu thinks, as he sits down on the cold part of the bed, which is now empty. a few months ago, beomgyu would be the one sleeping here, next to yeonjun. not anymore, he observes. yeonjun takes only minimal space on the bed.

yeonjun, on the other hand- fights every cell of his body which urges him to just, trap beomgyu and cuddle him to death. this was the closest they had been in weeks, and yeonjun didn't want to let go now. he laid on the bed, stiff as ever, pretending to be in a deep slumber. he feels beomgyu's intense gaze on him. he feels a light hand in his hair, and then feels the bed come up slightly. he's leaving. his brain tells him. stop him, yeonjun!

but yeonjun cannot seem to stop beomgyu. he feels helpless, as beomgyu tips toes out of his room. emptiness fills the room once again. but why now? why when yeonjun wasn't even looking? was something bothering beomgyu at this hour? beomgyu usually couldn't sleep alone, was he having troubles sleeping? did he have a bad day?

so many questions- and yeonjun couldn't ask him a single one. he just watches as beomgyu slips out of his reach once again and he hears the door to his room shut. yeonjun can finally breathe again, once beomgyu is gone. but can he really? with that empty aching in his heart?

be still my heart. yeonjun instructs himself harshly. you've got a tight schedule tomorrow.

yeonjun attempts to get a peaceful sleep in the mere three-four hours he can.

instead his mind is just clouded with the thought of a particular pretty boy.

|

yeonjun wakes up and the mood around the house is gloomy. he cannot hear anyone speak like he did when he woke up late. no one even came in to wake yeonjun up. what was going on? yeonjun tiptoes out of his room, and no one is in the living room. did they all already leave without him?

yeonjun makes his way to taehyun and soobin's room and finds both of them sit facing each other in utter silence. puzzled, yeonjun continues looking at them and trying to examine what they were doing, but in vain. was this some sort of couple exercise?

"come in, yeonjun hyung." he hears taehyun speak. "don't behave like a creep."

ignoring the insult, yeonjun walks into the room and his boy language questions the awkward atmosphere in the air. he still chooses to ask. "something seems off." yeonjun points out the obvious. "what's wrong?"

"what's wrong, you ask?" soobin turns slightly aggressive and yeonjun is scared.

"yeah, well?" yeonjun questions. "i just woke up."

taehyun places a hand on soobin's shoulder as if asking him to drop it. taehyun sucks in a deep breath before he speaks.

"it's beomgyu hyung." taehyun says, and no shit- from the way soobin glares at yeonjun, he knows it's about beomgyu. but he couldn't have messed up one bit, right? he hasn't even been near beomgyu for a very long time. last night didn't count.

"heeseung hyung asked beomgyu out."

yeonjun blinks once, and then twice. he looks at soobin for confirmation and he nods slightly. the eldest gulps. he has no idea how he should be reacting to such a piece of information.

and at the same time, yeonjun doesn't understand how such a simple sentence could cause him so much pain, and could manage to hurt him to so much. yeonjun stares at taehyun for a good two seconds and then locks eyes with soobin, who sits with a disappointed look on his face. yeonjun tries- he tries to form an answer which doesn't show the clear pang to his chest, but he fails. yeonjun's mouth is left hanging open.

"oh." that's the most he can get out.

"oh?" soobin raises his voice once again out of spite, and yeonjun flinches. taehyun shoots him another knowing look, and soobin shuts up. yeonjun's grateful that soobin shuts up. because he still doesn't seem to be able to comprehend the bad, the worst ever news he's gotten. he's done it. heeseung just beat yeonjun to it.

yeonjun stares at the ground for a second, and he feels his heart crumble at the words that ring continuously in his head. heeseung hyung asked beomgyu out. did beomgyu like heeseung too? maybe beomgyu loves heeseung. yeonjun feels so stupid, when the truth was out in front of him all the time. beomgyu always hung around with heeseung, didn't he? late nights with heeseung. even last night beomgyu was out drinking with heeseung till three am. after all of this, why'd beomgyu step foot into yeonjun's room at all?

yeonjun feels played with, and a sickening feeling settles in his tummy. he imagines beomgyu and heeseung- being all cute and mushy in love, kissing, beomgyu belonging to someone that wasn't him- and the feeling ate him alive every second. he didn't realise how much he hated that idea. the idea of beomgyu being with someone else. but what could yeonjun do if that's what beomgyu wanted? yeonjun didn't have the rights to say anything to him after all. maybe beomgyu hadn't been speaking to yeonjun for this reason alone. maybe beomgyu knew- fuck- that yeonjun was really gone for him. maybe beomgyu disliked the fact so much that he decided to cut yeonjun out of his life and-

"jeez, hyung." taehyun sighs. "i can hear you think very loud, it's gross." this manages to snap yeonjun out of it. he's the only one in the room who doesn't know of the pathetic, lovesick look on his face.

"before you panic, which exactly looks like what you're doing right now, no- beomgyu hyung hasn't said anything to heeseung hyung yet." taehyun confirms, and somewhere, that gives yeonjun a slight hope. but his brain crushes it down the second it comes up. yeonjun didn't want to keep very high hopes for anything.

"he's slightly upset about the confession though." taehyun adds. "he feels like he's been betrayed. heeseung hyung and beomgyu hyung have been friends for a really long time, you know right? beomgyu feels like heeseung's feelings have ruined their friendship. he came into our room sobbing last night."

and it's like a switch turned on in yeonjun's head. now he understands, why beomgyu came over to his room last night. beomgyu only ever cries with yeonjun and he couldn't be with him yesterday. yeonjun feels like the worst friend ever. he wonders if soobin and taehyun even managed to calm beomgyu down.

"he's...going to be a little off about it today, okay?" taehyun warns in advance. if beomgyu doesn't feel well usually, he'd come to yeonjun and ask for hugs. yeonjun would make a face at him, but he kept beomgyu safe anyway. he loved him. now, at this point when beomgyu doesn't feel well, yeonjun wants to hug all the pain out of him. but alas, would beomgyu even listen to him? was yeonjun any of beomgyu's top priorities at the moment?

he feels selfish, for thinking about himself in times like these when beomgyu is hurting. yeonjun has always valued his platonic relationships over romantic ones (due to the lack of his pitiful love life) and he understands what beomgyu might be going through at a point like this. he wants to be there to support him. but yeonjun is too much of a coward to talk to beomgyu and actually mend things with him.

"okay." yeonjun sucks in a deep breath. "thanks for watching over him last night, you two." yeonjun says genuinely. "i know what beomgyu gets like when he's sad. you two must've taken it well."

the two males look at each other in understanding and then back at yeonjun. soobin speaks up, but relatively softer this time. taehyun looks proud. "about that, hyung...beomgyu said he missed you a lot last night. he was crying a lot, i couldn't tell, but i heard your name occasionally."

now this was a piece of information yeonjun couldn't process for a good while. beomgyu missed yeonjun. yeonjun missed beomgyu. then why were none of them clarifying anything between them?

yeonjun sucks in a deep breath. he'd talk to beomgyu about it when he looked better about it. the atmosphere in the dorm was to tense for anything. and the fact that beomgyu sobbed out his name to taehyun and soobin was eating him up. i'll deal with it. yeonjun promises.

"oh, okay." he lets out the lamest answer to that ever. taehyun shoots him a questioning look.

"i-i'll, uh- get ready for today." he blabbers, not making sense to himself either. "big interview, see you two later!" yeonjun flees with a terrible excuse and leaves taehyun and soobin alone to each other in the room.

soobin looks at taehyun and sighs while scooting closer. he rests his head on taehyun's lap in a frustrated manner. "i don't know how much longer yeonjun hyung is going to dilly dally around beomgyu." he huffs out.

taehyun rubs his own head in defeat. and then soobin looks up at him again.

"i wonder how yeonjun hyung will react looking at the arrangements for the interview today."soobin grunts.

|

okay. yeonjun tells himself. behave civil.

yeonjun stands inches away from beomgyu in the arrangement for today's content shooting. they're here for a group interview and curse every living being in this room, because yeonjun is seated right next to beomgyu today. he asks the managers if him and soobin can switch, but they refuse. apparently the script requires them to sit together.

great, just great. yeonjun doesn't know if he can be in such a close proximity with beomgyu and continue to have the awkwardness around them. he reckons that beomgyu feels it too, because beomgyu's eyes are fixated on the ground. or occasionally talking to taehyun who sits on his left side. yeonjun too, opts to turn towards the other side and finds a smiley hueningkai looking at him knowingly.

too much pressure from each sides, he feels, but he has to choose one. and it's not going to be petty beomgyu. so yeonjun attempts (see keyword) to talk casually with hueningkai, but the younger refuses to co operate with him. it was as if he was setting yeonjun up with beomgyu. he appreciates the gesture, really, but not now. he doesn't want to mess around while at work.

yeonjun slightly turns away from kai's prying eyes and sees beomgyu staring at him. the moment yeonjun catches him, beomgyu looks away in a flustered manner, throwing himself at taehyun to hide his possible embarrassment. yeonjun is utterly confused at beomgyu acknowledging him at times when yeonjun isn't doing so. while beomgyu mumbles some nonsense to taehyun, the latter stares right into yeonjun's soul. this could be you right now. yeonjun feels taehyun's message come across perfectly clear through his eyes and finally- yeonjun chooses to stare at the ground, gulping harshly.

this was not going to go well. yeonjun can feel this feeling in every cell of his body. today was going to be a mess.

the staff from behind the cameras start speaking, briefing them on what kind of questions might come their way. yeonjun isn't listening one bit though. yeonjun remains silent, and he stares at one of the cameras. he can feel beomgyu beside him and events of last night come back to him. beomgyu sad, crying, calling out to him- but he wasn't there for him.

it shouldn't hurt as much as it does- but yeonjun feels heeseung when he claims to like beomgyu. the latter's personality is so...unique, it would intrigue anyone. that's how it began with yeonjun. sitting in the dance practice room one day (more like night) and watching beomgyu bicker with soobin over the strawberry sandwich- yeonjun realised his bubbling feelings for said groupmate. they hadn't even debuted then, and so yeonjun didn't think much of it. only that, if he ever debuts- it's going to be with beomgyu. that he's going to be with beomgyu, by his side twenty four seven.

yeonjun has always been a silent watcher. he's always just taken care of beomgyu from a safe distance, without him knowing at all. and now, apparently- everyone in the dorm already knew of yeonjun's feelings for beomgyu- except the lord himself. each member has confronted yeonjun on separate days, wondering if yeonjun liked beomgyu. they said he was being obvious. if yeonjun was being obvious, then why wasn't beomgyu catching on? yeonjun settles for the explanation that he doesn't, in fact want to catch onto whatever train yeonjun climbs onto. yeonjun wants a labelled relationship, and beomgyu perhaps doesn't want anything.

another thing that absolutely terrifies yeonjun is- the thought of beomgyu liking heeseung back. heeseung is gorgeous, with the best sense of humor, he's caring and whatnot. what reason does beomgyu have not to fall in love with him? they spend majority of their time talking together, texting or on video calls. yeonjun's petite heart sinks deeply at the thought of everything being spelled out to him clearly, yet he never caught on. yet he continued to have false hope.

the process of yeonjun falling in love with beomgyu was a slow, steady one. everyday, yeonjun realised something new, an endearing quality about beomgyu which made his heart swell up with admiration and love for the younger. yeonjun has always really known that he'd fall in love with beomgyu. beomgyu always felt warm and cozy to yeonjun- like his human home. falling in love with beomgyu was a gentle fall, yet frustrating. when younger, yeonjun didn't know where to burst with all his love for beomgyu. now thought, when he's twenty three, yeonjun can manage his feelings better. he knows to show it off when he can.

the absolute thought of beomgyu feeling the same- for someone who's not yeonjun makes him rage. it makes him want to give up everything in life- if he has to watch beomgyu be in love with someone who's not him. but alas, what can yeonjun do about it? if beomgyu likes heeseung- then the only conclusion yeonjun can draw is that he didn't love beomgyu hard enough. he didn't try to fight for him. and still, yeonjun thinks about things like, how nice would it be, to hold beomgyu's hand? to hug beomgyu to keep him warm? to kiss beomgyu so slowly-

"okay, yeonjun-ssi?" a female voice snaps him out of his beomgyu problem and he looks a little dazed. he looks at the staff member and nods furiously, even though he didn't hear one word that was instructed towards him. yeonjun was fucked. thinking about beomgyu at work was dangerous, and yeonjun had established this fact earlier as well.

no thinking about beomgyu. yeonjun scolds himself. concentrate on the interview. give moas a satisfactory answer to the questions they ask me.

yeonjun sucks in a deep breath as he sees the cameras rolling and a few sound instructions are given here and there.

i'm going to nail this. he thinks. without thinking about beomgyu.

|

"beomgyu-ssi." the interviewer speaks, sparing a glance towards beomgyu. beomgyu looks back, and sends a playful wink his way. the entire team giggles, while soobin pretends to act disgusted. just the usual. except yeonjun. yeonjun is sweating profusely, because- how can beomgyu manage to look absolutely okay in seconds, while he was a mess before the interview begun?

yeonjun's eyes are glued to beomgyu, unfortunately, no matter how hard he tried to remain professional. if beomgyu paid attention even slightly, he'd notice yeonjun's intense gaze on him. either beomgyu is oblivious as fuck (he hopes) or he just doesn't point it out. neither does he seem affected. he's just...the usual.

"the next question is for you." the interviewer directs it towards beomgyu. everyone in the room goes silent and the spotlight is bestowed upon beomgyu. yeonjun smiles a little.

"if you'd have to choose, your fans or your members?" he himself sounds a little unsure posing the question to beomgyu, but the playful boy doesn't fail to answer the question in the most lighthearted way.

"of course, moas!" beomgyu claps his hands in tiny, his oversized sweater allowing him to make cute sweater paws. it's a simple thing, but yeonjun notices how it makes beomgyu look so much smaller than the rest of the group. beomgyu looks so cute like that, he remarks, sweater paws and that giggle on his face. beomgyu looks happy for now, and yeonjun smiles in relief too. "our members are very annoying." he continues in an obvious joking manner. "i'd choose our lovely moas-" beomgyu makes a heart towards the camera and sends a flying kiss. "-any day."

while the entire room bursts into a laughter, beomgyu gets hit by taehyun on his shoulder. "maybe we should leave beomgyu hyung alone with his precious moas." he adds into the joke. "now that hyung doesn't need the rest of the group anymore."

"sure." beomgyu gladly accepts. he turns to the camera and poses a question to the online audience. "moas will still love me for me, right? who needs these people anyway?" his question is followed by a deep laugh. the mood in the room is light and perfect for jokes. yeonjun seems to notice how beomgyu's simple words and presence do that. maybe that's what yeonjun fell for, four years ago.

"but in all seriousness." beomgyu lays a finger down, and decides to answer the question firmly. "i don't think we'd be able to do without either of them." he speaks in a slower sense than before and he sounds more sure about what he's saying. now, everyone in the room nods subtly.

wow. yeonjun thinks. beomgyu's got such a way of speaking, which usually captivates everyone around him. how carefully and effortlessly, beomgyu led the mood in the room. beomgyu's mere presence makes such an impact on everyone. just slightly different impacts on yeonjun. he feels swell at beomgyu's personality turning out so loving. everyone loves him so much and yeonjun takes pride in doing so too.

"my members." beomgyu takes a short pause and then looks at taehyun and soobin on his left side. he turns the other way and ducks shyly from yeonjun's powerful gaze which has been stuck on him ever since the start of the program, and gives a little fond smile to hueningkai. "they are the reason who i am today. and i wouldn't be able to do one thing properly if it weren't for them." he nods quietly to himself, drowning in the impact of his own words. "i don't think i show it enough, but i'm really thankful for them and whatever they've done for me."

yeonjun knows what beomgyu is talking about. back when they were trainees, beomgyu required constant care and attention from his peers. little beomgyu was scooped up from his hometown far away from the rest of his family, to a new and more foreign place. he was lively and strong as ever in the day times when they all practiced together vigorously. at night was when beomgyu remembered his mother and cried to any one person who had found him that night. or he would simply cry himself to sleep.

yeonjun has had the unfortunate opportunity of watching beomgyu sobbing lightly in a corner because he felt his body give up and he missed home. yeonjun missed home too, but his house wasn't far. beomgyu's parents lived so far and he was such a sensitive boy then, yeonjun almost pitied him. beomgyu had loads of people love him unconditionally back then. he still does. yeonjun sometimes begs him with his eyes to pay attention to him but in vain.

"our moas, on the other hand." beomgyu's face lights up at the thought of his fans. "again, without them i am nothing, we as a group- are nothing. i love our moas so much. i hope you all continue to stay by us till the very end. i'll give you guys my best, i promise."

the room suddenly goes dead silent, as if everyone were just processing beomgyu's genuine words and thoughts. the interviewer himself draws a sharp breath before he can continue asking questions to the other members. throughout it all, beomgyu keeps his head low. he doesn't speak much or interact even. until yeonjun's turn.

"not to cause fights but," the interviewer begins with a small chuckle around four questions later. "most favourite member as of now?" he turns towards yeonjun. "yeonjun -ssi could you answer this one? who's your most loved member in the past few days?"

before even yeonjun can comprehend the question, soobin comes to the team's rescue. "we don't usually choose things like that." soobin says in a rushed manner, and taehyun nods hurriedly. "right yeonjun hyung-"

"-beomgyu." yeonjun blurts out before soobin can glare at him and warn him to shut up and not say anything. yeonjun blinks and then blinks again. and then he realises- he just chose beomgyu as his favourite member. on an interview. in front of beomgyu. when they hadn't been talking to each other for sometime over a month.

yeonjun gulps and faces the rest of the group, and beomgyu isn't looking at the ground anymore. he's looking straight at yeonjun and the he cannot tell- is that disappointment, horror, or just plain shock on his face? soobin raises an eyebrow at yeonjun's obvious answer. hueningkai and taehyun just sigh.

"well." the interviewer senses some sort of tension in the air too, yeonjun is sure of it. there's no way he doesn't know something is up with yeonjun. but then again, who doesn't know that something is up with yeonjun when it comes to beomgyu? "i guess yeonjun-ssi does have an answer,soobin-ssi." he smartly turns the attention towards soobin, and not yeonjun- who has quite a silly look plastered on his face.

"what can i say?" soobin looks over at yeonjun subtly. "guess the rest of us are jealous of beomgyu then."

yeonjun is staring at beomgyu and beomgyu is staring right back at him. he doesn't know why, but he thinks he sees beomgyu smile at him for a split second. yup, yeonjun has definitely lost his mind and is now seeing things as well. the things love does to yeonjun is insane.

"so, yeonjun-ssi." the evil man turns to yeonjun. "why beomgyu?"

hueningkai had to squeeze yeonjun's hand hard before this so yeonjun didn't blurt out something very stupid. thank the lords for hueningkai, because yeonjun was about to go about some things about how beomgyu was so pretty.

"he's very uh supportive." yeonjun stutters hard, because he's very well aware of beomgyu's eyes glued to him as he speaks. yeonjun needs to make the most of this time- but he's on camera. he's on camera and oh- he's fucking up his professional life with his personal one. that never goes well- but then again, what had been going well between them anyway?

"are you implying that we're not supportive?" taehyun gasps for the dramatics, and to cover up for his yeonjun hyung making a total fool of himself on something that was going to be posted for millions of people to see. he wishes yeonjun would open his eyes and see the environment they were sitting in.

yeonjun fakes a chuckle when he realises the the setting he's in and that he's messed up bad in the span of few minutes. "of course not." yeonjun corrects. "i think i speak for everyone when i say beomgyu is the mood maker of he group. he's always very lively even in the worst of our times." like now, he wants to say. beomgyu sits with a pleasant expression on his face right next to yeonjun. he feels like the distance between them is practically non existent. "beomgyu is like the battery of the group." yeonjun doesn't even have words, because he knows if he starts speaking comfortably, then he's bound to say something that might be not be appropriate this time. yeonjun holds back on himself.

"i agree." hueningkai chimes in, so the spotlight is lifted off yeonjun. "beomgyu hyung is always so nice, bringing gifts, helping us in everything..."

yeonjun doesn't hear the end of it. his brain is only capable of thinking about beomgyu and beomgyu solely. the mere minutes of silence like this, pressed together felt so much more meaningful than any interaction (or almost interaction) that yeonjun has had with beomgyu in the past few days.

yeonjun decides to talk to beomgyu after the interview.

|

beomgyu is making efforts to run away from yeonjun. again.

like how beomgyu goes an extra mile to beg taehyun to shift in the car with yeonjun and soobin and take his place. taehyun gives him a firm no to that, but beomgyu makes a particular face that no one can resist. and so now, beomgyu and hueningkai travel together. when taehyun joins yeonjun and soobin to their car, yeonjun frowns. where was beomgyu? yeonjun wanted to sit with beomgyu and then directly ease him into talking to him the moment they got home.

"where's beomgyu?" yeonjun asks taehyun, who just sighs before giving him an answer.

"refused to travel in this car." taehyun informs. "he begged me to shift cars with him. so i'm here."

taehyun and soobin watch as yeonjun's expression falters heavily, like all his hopes were crushed. yeonjun gives taehyun a little heartbroken nod, and gives him space to get into the car. yeonjun just stares out of the window with a blank look on his face throughout the ride. taehyun and soobin try to talk to him but yeonjun wavers it off.

"no need to pity me, you guys." yeonjun had said. "it's no big deal."

except it was a very big deal to yeonjun. from the beginning, yeonjun didn't know what kept beomgyu away from him. one morning he wakes up and he's just alone. no beomgyu in bed with him. alright, maybe he just needs some space. i don't need to be so clingy. but for how long? yeonjun is a little tired of it all.

they get off their car and soon behind them appears beomgyu and kai's car. yeonjun watches as beomgyu tip toes out of the car with his hand attached on hueningkai's hoodie, looking like he's very clearly trying to get away from yeonjun. he doesn't want to allow it anymore. yeonjun leaves his bag in the car in a hurry, in order to follow beomgyu into their dorm.

yeonjun's the third person to enter the dorm. he sees hueningkai plop on the sofa in the living room and watches beomgyu walk over to his room a little too quick for his own good. this is it. yeonjun thinks. now is the time.

"beomgyu." yeonjun calls out, and oh- how the name rolls off so easily off his lips. he hasn't said beomgyu's name out loud in ages, especially not to call him out. yeonjun finds him smiling a little at that. "beomgyu." he repeats louder this time, and beomgyu has no other choice but to look back and acknowledge his hyung calling out to him.

he turns back and looks at yeonjun, who's staring back just as intensely at him. "do you have time?" yeonjun asks, very well knowing that beomgyu was free. he knew beomgyu's schedules like the back of his palm. beomgyu was only going to sleep now.

"i-uh-" beomgyu stutters, unable to give him an answer. he doesn't want to lie, but he doesn't want to speak the truth either. yeonjun looks at him, and beomgyu gulps. yeonjun's gaze looks scary, intimidating even, for someone who's just declared beomgyu as their favourite on camera boldly.

"yes?" the tone is a demanding one. beomgyu is slightly scared of what is to come.

"i'm going to sleep now, actually..." beomgyu begins, looking down quickly to avoid eye contact. speaking like this is so much better. "maybe tomorrow, hyung-"

"no." yeonjun objects almost instantly. "you're coming into my room, now ." and it's more like an order, so beomgyu doesn't dare to say no. he gulps harshly as he follows yeonjun into his room. he thinks he's in trouble, when it's quite the opposite.

yeonjun slams the door the moment beomgyu steps in. hueningkai watches and giggles at taehyun when he sees the scene. soobin breathes out in relief.

"i hope they're able to knock some sense into each other." soobin sighs.

|

"beomgyu." yeonjun speaks a little loudly to catch beomgyu's attention. "will you talk to me or not?"

"i am." beomgyu mumbles. "i am talking to you."

"no you're not." yeonjun grunts as he sits next to beomgyu in annoyance. fake annoyance, because he doesn't know any other way he can communicate with a frustrating beomgyu.

when yeonjun gets really mad about beomgyu not opening his mouth, he holds his hand harshly. "beomgyu, look at me." he says strictly, making beomgyu flutter his eyes to yeonjun's, making an intense and equally awkward eye contact.

"you've been ignoring me." yeonjun doesn't ask, he informs . "what's the matter with you?"

"no." beomgyu bites his lip. "i'm not ignoring you."

yeonjun chuckles loud and clear, a bitter feeling lingering in the air.

"bullshit, beomgyu." he breathed. "we both know that's bullshit."

beomgyu bites his lips and instantly looks away. the tension in the room is higher than ever. never once has beomgyu ever felt this way around yeonjun. and so now when yeonjun holds his hand, and expects beomgyu to answer, when he already knows that something's up, he cannot bring himself to speak at all.

"i.." beomgyu has no words to say, when yeonjun looks at him like that. yeonjun has the most sad look on his face ever, and it looks like he's trying to understand beomgyu's feelings, and trying to bring out words from beomgyu's mouth without him having said anything.

"beomgyu." yeonjun calls out, and beomgyu has no other choice but to look up at him. yeonjun looks away after a few seconds, and rubs beomgyu's hand slowly. by now, the younger knows that he isn't in trouble. but the close proximity with yeonjun after so long, sends memories rushing back from a month ago, when they were attached to the hip. he wonders what it would feel like to be that close to yeonjun again.

"did hyung do something wrong?" yeonjun whispers slowly, as if speaking in a loud voice would break beomgyu. and he shudders. every time yeonjun refers to himself as hyung, it reminds beomgyu how much he thinks that he owes the others because he's the older one. silly, stupid yeonjun hyung. beomgyu is a hundred percent sure that yeonjun blamed himself for beomgyu not being as close with him as before. "tell me, beomgyu-ah." yeonjun sounds sad, broken, and beomgyu thinks - i've done this. i've made him like this. "i'll fix it, beomgyu. but god-" yeonjun groans, and beomgyu's sure he's going to cry some time soon. he thinks, he knows he wouldn't be able to handle yeonjun crying. "-please don't ignore me, beoms." yeonjun spits all his frustration in the form of words, and now beomgyu looks up at him as if he were confused.

when beomgyu doesn't take it upon him to give some sort of a response to yeonjun's words, the elder continues speaking. "i missed you like this." yeonjun mumbles slowly, and it's only meant for beomgyu to hear. he doesn't want anyone else to be a part of whatever is going on here. he only wants beomgyu. when beomgyu still doesn't say anything, but nuzzles closer to yeonjun, he knows that he has to take the lead. yeonjun holds him close, closer than he should perhaps, but he doesn't seem to care at all. beomgyu's here now, and that's all that matters.

yeonjun doesn't push beomgyu at all, instead allows him to stick closer to him. while beomgyu was the loudest member when it came to literally anything, in serious cases, yeonjun knows that beomgyu wouldn't open his mouth at all. he knows to give beomgyu a little time and he'd come around soon though.

it turned out that little time was exactly that, because soon enough yeonjun found beomgyu mumbling into his t-shirt. he couldn't hear anything one bit, so he pulls away from beomgyu (only slightly though, because after all this, yeonjun isn't going to let beomgyu out of his sight) and stares at his face. "what was that?" yeonjun asks slowly, and beomgyu attempts to look away.

beomgyu has the prettiest blush spread across his face, and yeonjun assumes that it's from cutting off all of his oxygen by burring his nose into yeonjun's clothes, and perhaps the embarrassment of being called into yeonjun's room at such a late hour. yeonjun too, is subtly aware of his face mirroring a similar reaction, but clearly for different reasons. he hopes that beomgyu isn't able to tell and that it isn't that obvious.

"i said." beomgyu says ever so slowly. "i missed you too." and the moment he says that, yeonjun feels at ease. and so, he pulls beomgyu closer to him than before. now, beomgyu rests his head on yeonjun's shoulder more comfortably than before. a funny sensation tingles through yeonjun's veins. he has really missed beomgyu so much, and hadn't felt it as much as he was feeling it right now. beomgyu snuggles closer to yeonjun and whispers a small, "yeonjunnie hyung." while clutching on his t-shirt.

yeonjun's brain almost short circuits at those two terms. beomgyu calls him yeonjunnie hyung in the cutest way every possible, and yeonjun wants to chomp his cheeks. even before, when yeonjun had an extreme cute aggression looking at beomgyu, he took resort to pinching his cheeks. he doesn't think that it's appropriate now, so he gulps down the feeling and he just subtly pats beomgyu's head.

"god, beomgyu." yeonjun ends up muttering instead. "don't ever do that to me." yeonjun says, as he engulfs his face in beomgyu's hair, which has the fading scent of his shampoo. yeonjun misses it all. they're both just remembering and recalling other's features at this point, and none of them are in their right minds anyway. "i won't, i promise i won't, hyung." beomgyu gives him a reply, rambling.

once they're done reclaiming their memories, they sit with their backs resting at the headboard of yeonjun's bed, they just sit silent. neither of them have the guts to say anything after being all over each other just a few minutes ago. yeonjun feels embarrassed, and he knows that beomgyu must be twice as embarrassed. he mans up and decided to break the awkward silence. "did i-" yeonjun clears his throat. "did i do anything wrong? like..."

yeonjun begs for beomgyu to not act clueless and not make him say it, but obviously beomgyu doesn't answer. not because he isn't aware of what yeonjun is asking him, it's because he cannot bring himself to answer yeonjun so he remains silent.

"it's okay if you don't want to talk about it." yeonjun sends him his happiest smile, and to an extent, yeonjun is happy. he isn't faking the joy of being close to beomgyu again, but he also acknowledges that they've drifted apart. and if beomgyu isn't going to share somethings with him, yeonjun shouldn't be surprised.

beomgyu hums at that, and chooses to take up that offer, of not speaking up. even though yeonjun knows to let a process unfold in sections, he can't help but want beomgyu all to himself as quickly as possible, like they were before.

"we..we're okay right?" yeonjun asks to clarify, because after this, he isn't sure that he can go back to ignoring beomgyu again. it's absolute torture, and if he has to admit that in front of beomgyu, he's going to do it.

"yeah." beomgyu breathes, hesitating to answer. "yeah." he repeats.

they're okay.

|

beomgyu says yes to heeseung.

after creating the biggest scene in front of the maknaes and soobin about being so disappointed in heeseung declaring his feelings for him, beomgyu goes ahead and says yes to heeseung. which means that beomgyu is dating. dating someone who isn't yeonjun. and dating means that beomgyu is taken. taken by heeseung. not yeonjun. beomgyu is taken, and yeonjun is single.

yeonjun takes in two whole hours to process this information. he's pretty sure that he and beomgyu fell asleep side by side last night. but what he doesn't remember is when beomgyu gets away. because when he's up, the bed feels awfully empty.

if yeonjun was honest enough, after last night, he thought that he had the slightest bit of chance with beomgyu. they weren't going to avoiding each other anymore, and maybe, just maybe yeonjun could take up the right moment and confess to beomgyu. but apparently not. because beomgyu was dating now, and had a boyfriend and the said boyfriend wasn't yeonjun. great.

"where's beomgyu?" yeonjun asked groggily the moment he woke up and didn't find beomgyu on the bed with him, as he steps into the kitchen where taehyun and soobin look like they're seconds away from making out. "did he go somewhere?"

taehyun and soobin exchange one knowing glance, and yeonjun knows that something is up. obviously, there needs to be something, because beomgyu doesn't wake up if he's not asked to. plus, they cleared out things yesterday, so beomgyu should be carefree and not worry about anything. right?

"about that..." soobin begins, and yeonjun prepares himself for bad news. he's sure of it, buy the way taehyun frowns and soobin looks nervous. "i thought you two made up last night?"

yeonjun blushes a little at the thought of last night, but not wanting to be teased by the younger ones of the household, he clears his throat and attempts to behave normally. "uh, yeah." yeonjun says, trying not to be too happy for the boys to catch his excitement. "we dealt it out. no more tension in the group."

"apparently not." taehyun mumbles, and before yeonjun can frown enough and question at that, soobin grabs him by his shoulders sturdily. yeonjun blinks once and then twice, and he has no idea what is going on.

"yeonjun hyung." soobin says. "i don't know what you two have done in your room last night-" yeonjun halts soobin to whine a 'gross!', "-but beomgyu has said yes to heeseung."

soobin's grip on him loosens, and then disappears completely. he takes two steps back, and allows yeonjun to process the information all by himself. but yeonjun doesn't. instead he just chuckles it out, and then laughs a little louder. taehyun frowns excessively. this cannot be good.

"good joke." yeonjun says, and then when soobin and taehyun's faces do not come down to a smile, yeonjun knows he's in deep waters. he has two pairs of pitiful eyes on him and he hates it. he hates it that beomgyu chose heeseung over him , who's always been around him. yeonjun even has a hard time speaking about it. he doesn't think he can speak about it. "did beomgyu...really..."

"i'm sorry, hyung." soobin apologises, as if someone is dead and his voice is full of sympathy. yeonjun's been getting that awfully lot of times in the past few days, and it's fair to say that he absolutely hates the feeling of being pitied over something like beomgyu.

"uh yeah, that's okay." yeonjun manages to say, when it's clearly not. all the hope that he had built from last night has come breaking down, and now yeonjun is back at square one. he hates it. "is he out?" yeonjun asks again.

soobin nods in reply. "yeah he's out with uh, er-"

"i said it's okay, soobin-ah." yeonjun says a little aggressively. "you can say his name. heeseung-ah is our friend, i'm happy for him." no, i'm not. yeonjun thinks, and soobin already knows. yet they all choose not to say something, and when yeonjun mumbles a small 'i'm sleepy, gonna take a quick nap.', no one questions it.

'no more tension in the group.', yeonjun quotes himself from minutes ago when he lead a peaceful life and wasn't aware of the fact that beomgyu and heeseung were now a thing. he feels betrayed, and half lead on (even though it was mainly in his mind) by beomgyu. when did he even make such a decision? why?

yeonjun thinks that he's allowed to be mad and gloomy about this. he's been waiting for beomgyu for years , and has tries everything to not overstep their boundaries yet explain to him how much he loves him. fuck beomgyu and his oblivious mind, because how dare he not catch up with yeonjun?

i shouldn't think about beomgyu like that anymore. he reminds himself. he has a boyfriend now, and yeonjun isn't free to think about how he wants to kiss beomgyu twenty four seven. he's allowed to be bitter, but not allowed to be a creep towards beomgyu or heeseung.

it honestly hurts to see beomgyu with another, and it's a worse feeling than a breakup (not that yeonjun has has any before, but it's just a general notion of pain). it's a sunday, yeonjun finds out once he checks his phone, and he's free to laze around. maybe since things were supposed to be better with beomgyu, he would've taken beomgyu out to lunch or something. now, yeonjun has nothing to look forward to.

he checks his schedule for the next few days, hoping to call out sick or something just to sulk over the fact that his long term crush suddenly has a boyfriend. and unlucky for him, he cannot do that. he's got those really important dance lessons tomorrow and he's supposed to double for soobin's vocals too. this week is packed, yeonjun thinks. no time for moping.

he decides to waste his sunday sulking in the honor of beomgyu getting a boyfriend.

|

the next week is actually so busy, yeonjun thinks that he wouldn't make it alive. intense dance practices for seven hours a day, and the rest of the time was spent singing. and then yeonjun had to submit a few lyrics by the end of it all. while his mind was absolutely clouded with the thought and sight of beomgyu receiving phone calls from someone during practices, and how beomgyu never returns back to the dorm when everyone else is tired out of their souls. no one really seems to care, because all they want is a good sleep for at least three hours before they work like animals again.

no one seems to care, but yeonjun. it doesn't go unnoticed by him when beomgyu sneaks out during group lunch breaks to take a call or send messages. and yeonjun wouldn't have cared at all, if it weren't for the fact that he was talking to his boyfriend. what seems to irk yeonjun more that, ever since they 'made up' - nothing went back to how it was. except it was just a one night thing, now beomgyu is back to paying no heed to yeonjun. beomgyu still has his gaming time with soobin and hueningkai, and still accompanies taehyun to the gym. the only thing he slacks out on again is hanging out with yeonjun.

and yeonjun thinks he shouldn't push it further. because why would he? if beomgyu really didn't want to stay by yeonjun, he didn't want to seem desperate. as much as he was desperate , yeonjun wouldn't show it. and so, again, it's like the two never really made up.

yeonjun really wishes that hueningkai stops teasing beomgyu about heeseung, now that the entire group has hurdled together in the living room to watch a movie. the eldest tries glaring at kai multiple times, asking him to drop it, but he doesn't seem to get the hint. or rather, he doesn't want to get the hint. everyone wants yeonjun to suffer. so fine, yeonjun will suffer on his own.

soobin and taehyun don't pay any mind to hueningkai and beomgyu fighting over the remote while kai screams something about beomgyu being madly in love with heeseung. soobin's too busy whispering something in taehyun's ear anyway. the sight is extremely disgusting to yeonjun, so he just lays like a log, scrolling through his phone- but his main focus still remains on beomgyu. like always.

"give me that remote, you brat!" beomgyu screams and jumps repeatedly, trying to reach hueningkai's hand which he stretches out completely to the top so that beomgyu cannot reach it. "do not use your height as an advantage against your hyung!"

kai snorts, but still doesn't give in. "i'm not watching that movie!" kai shrieks back as an excuse for him not handing over the remote to beomgyu. he huffs.

"what's wrong about it?" beomgyu whines. "it's a cute little love story, they're so cute and mushy-"

"first off, hyung." hueningkai begins. "cute and mushy aren't to be used in the same sentence. look at them." kai makes a disgusted face and points towards soobin and taehyun who break away instantly at his words, blushing furiously. "that's mushy, not cute at all."

"secondly," kai seems to be giving yeonjun a sort of a look, but he avoids it subtly. kai was really going to get him in trouble one day. "not everyone has a loving-" kai drags the word intently just to spite yeonjun, "-boyfriend like you, beomgyu hyung. yeonjun hyung would get angry."

yeonjun looks up from his phone, and glares at kai, ensuring the fact that he knows that yeonjun is soon going to kill him. beomgyu doesn't look at yeonjun and instead stares at the ground with a crimson coloured face. disgusting yeonjun thinks, but then he realises the fact that beomgyu was probably blushing at the thought of his boyfriend and wasn't even paying attention to whatever kai said afterwards.

"since beomgyu hyung is too short to get the remote, we're going to be watching a horror movie!" kai announces excitedly, and this time, beomgyu doesn't fight it. he sits down quietly with the blush still evident on his face. yeonjun's eyes are fixed on the back of beomgyu head.

when they hear taehyun mumble a small, "save me from the ghosts, soobinnie." and then see soobin leave a small peck on taehyun's forehead, yeonjun groans.

he hates seeing people in love.

|

it's a monday, and yeonjun gets ready for a six hour long trip.

a fansign in daegu (yeonjun is convinced that every aspect of his life is connected with choi beomgyu), was what they were preparing for. he could easily spend the car trip from seoul to daegu just sleeping or something, but obviously a particular member was extremely excited for the trip.

the moment the fansign was announced by the company, beomgyu couldn't contain his emotions and enthusiasm. the feeling of being in your own city hits different, so yeonjun would give that to him. he looked so cute, jumping and laughing at the thought of returning to his own hometown.

the entire car ride was spent with beomgyu narrating different stories from his childhood. kai and soobin occasionally interrupted beomgyu to add a story of their own, but that was about it. yeonjun stole glances at beomgyu while he explained some story about himself, putting his hands to complete use. yeonjun doesn't allow himself to do any further than just smiling at his actions.

turns out that beomgyu had begged all the managers to let them spend a night at beomgyu's parent's place. yeonjun blinked. why was he only made aware of this now? beomgyu's mother is so sweet, he didn't even get anything for her...and oh, it's beomgyu's parents he's meeting.

if it weren't for the fact that the rest of the group were present, yeonjun would've had a mental breakdown upon having to spend a night at beomgyu's parent's house. he's not the boyfriend, but yet, yeonjun feels nervous. it's like the whole meeting the parents deal, without actually having any action with beomgyu. it's a little saddening how heeseung will see beomgyu's parents as his boyfriend instead of yeonjun.

but professionally, yeonjun sucks in a breath. you're not the one beomgyu has chosen. he reminds himself. he's happy. and yeonjun isn't going to interfere in beomgyu's happy life just because he's miserable over the fact that beomgyu got a boyfriend. if beomgyu's happy...then well, yeonjun's happy too. that's what it's all about, right?

the fansign is absolutely the best thing yet that's happened to yeonjun in days, fuck, weeks. looking at the fan's smiley faces, eager and excited to see them lifted yeonjun's mood instantly. in times like these, when yeonjun stands in front of fans, he remembers why he chose the particular field of work. and while in the dance practice rooms, well naturally, yeonjun second questions his choices. but now, standing in front of crowds of people who bestow their trust and love to them, he has no regrets absolutely. sometimes yeonjun thinks - here's where he belongs. forever.

soobin is seated right beside him during the fansign, and yeonjun has a good laugh at all the absurd gifts that he's gotten yet. soobin receives gifts mainly for odi, like a rattle ( a hedgehog is not a baby, soobin explains), and some socks (??) that one of the fans sewed by themselves. he also receives this huge rabbit plushie, which hueningkai somehow manages to steal within the next five minutes. it's all fun and games for yeonjun, until he catches a glimpse of beomgyu sitting all the way from him towards the right.

bless the fan who got beomgyu those adorable looking bear ears, because beomgyu really looks so cute in them. exactly like a bear. upon the request of someone in the audience, beomgyu makes a 'grr' sound. as intimidating it might've sounded to the rest of the world, it was absolutely the most cute thing to yeonjun. he's pretty sure he's had to look away at least thrice to take a deep breath.

and then comes in the one fan with the face jewel chains. yeonjun's the first person sitting in the order, and so when yeonjun sees five of those chains in a fan's hand while she gives it to him, all yeonjun can think is how it would look on beomgyu. he bites down all urges to grab the chain and run to beomgyu and and and-

by the time yeonjun finishes actually thinking and imagining beomgyu wearing the chain, the real thing is already in front of him. the moment beomgyu wears it, he steps out and makes soobin fix it for him. in the stall right next to his, beomgyu stands in all his glory, ethereal and beautiful. and the silver sits so prettily against the bridge of his nose. he's pretty sure that beomgyu has caught him staring one too many times, and is just nice enough to not point it out.

the rest of the fansign, yeonjun remains a little more silent, because his mind remains somewhere else. obviously, it's only the members minus beomgyu that notice, because taehyun and hueningkai send him weird looks, and giggle at him from a distance. these brats. always laughing at hyung's misery.

by the time they're wrapping it up, yeonjun hears beomgyu scream about how good he looked in that jewel chain, and that the members should appreciate it more. if given a chance, yeonjun would appreciate beomgyu's entire being in a way that he'd be satisfied forever. but alas, yeonjun cannot even stay in a 10m beomgyu radius without malfunctioning and blabbering something that would embarrass him completely. but yes, he admits that beomgyu looks gorgeous, and that he shouldn't be removing the chain.

but they're no longer dressed in suits and bow ties, and now everyone's back to their usual sweatpants and hoodie combo. the manager informs, "we're done here." and he looks at a very enthusiastic beomgyu (how is he still full of this much energy?) "you guys can take car three to beomgyu's parent's house. we'll pick you up in the morning." beomgyu claps excitedly, and grabs some member, perhaps kai's, hand and takes off for the car almost immediately.

yeonjun's developed a new habit of sighing excessively around beomgyu and his doings. but he loves him, so he's going to let it go. not to forget- yeonjun loves beomgyu.

|

"beommie!" his mother throws her hands around his neck the moment the door to the house opens. beomgyu's big (only compared to his small mother) size engulfs his mother entirely, and it makes the rest of them smile to see beomgyu so close and connected with his family still.

"hello, boys." she greets them all warmly, like she's their mother too, and yeonjun's sure that she smiles wide and big at him and even goes to ruffle yeonjun's hair. yeonjun has to bend a little to allow her to do that, but it's the thought that matters.

inside, beomgyu's house looks plain and simple, and it's just the necessities. but it's grand at the same time. it's simple, but it screams elegant. sleek and simple furniture, complimented with a good sense of lighting and decor. beomgyu's family has good taste in artifacts, yeonjun declares, upon noticing some extremely pretty showpieces.

his father greets them too, but yeonjun cannot help but notice the different treatment with him. his father merely looks over the other boys, but shouts out a "yeonjun-ah!" and pats the space next to him to make space for him. must be a parents thing, yeonjun guesses. treating the older well.

beomgyu is busy showing the rest of the boys one of his bottle cap collections, while yeonjun is more interested in other things. he cannot help but think that the entire house is so....beomgyu. it feels like beomgyu's room, but bigger. yeonjun would really like to see beomgyu's room. he's so endeared by the fact that he's getting to see the place that beomgyu grew up and became the man he is now. polite, pretty and perfect .

yeonjun roams along the hallways by himself, until beomgyu's mother announces dinner. in attempts to be mannered and perhaps leave a god impression (hopefully?) on the parents, yeonjun helps her set up dinner for all of them. to which yeonjun receives a "wah! yeonjunnie is really such a good boy." and it makes him blush excessively.

the dinner itself is so good, and yeonjun knows that nothing beats homecooked food. he steals occasional glances at beomgyu, who looks overjoyed to be back home. it makes yeonjun smile too. whatever it was, boyfriend or not, beomgyu spent most of his time with his group. who was at an advantage anyway?

after dinner, when all sit in the living room, playing cards, beomgyu's father calls out to yeonjun. "yeonjun-ah." the eldest of the group hears, when he's just going to place his card and change the whole game, "drink with me?" beomgyu's father calls out, and the rest of the group plus yeonjun look confused.

yet, yeonjun agrees politely, and leaves the game impolitely. beomgyu shoots his father a confused look and yeonjun catches it. he hopes he's not in trouble. the other members are legal to drink as well, so yeonjun finds it a bit peculiar only to invite him. but he doesn't question it further and follows beomgyu's father into the backyard, where apparently he has drinks ready.

"sit." he instructs, and yeonjun's sure that he isn't making it alive to the dorm ever again. he really thinks that he's in deep trouble, until they start drinking. it's peaceful outside, with the wind blowing softly in the moonlight. it's almost calming, until yeonjun realises that he can still hear the boys creating ruckus in the house.

"how's beomgyu been doing?" his father asks casually. "y'know, in seoul and all." he adds. "he can get a little homesick."

"he's doing well." yeonjun can confirm this statement. "sometimes, yeah, he misses you guys too much. and he expresses his concerns to us, and we help him sort it out." the statement is partly true as well. yeonjun doesn't want to lie or lead him on. "we all love him so much."

"ah." his father hums. "about that, yeonjun-ah." now the fear begins creeping up yeonjun's spine. he's not sure what he's done wrong, but when his father speaks like that in his deep satoori voice, yeonjun supposes that anyone would be frightened. "beomgyu told us." told them about what? "about the both of you, of course."

what about the both of them? did beomgyu tell his parents how he avoided yeonjun and then supposed made up with him, only to keep the ignoring going on? yeonjun doesn't understand anything anymore. maybe it's the alcohol really getting to him. even though he's barely taken a single sip.

"if he's happy, i'm happy, yeonjun-ah." his father now fully turns to yeonjun and meets him in the eye. yeonjun has close to no idea what beomgyu's father tries to tell him. yeonjun and beomgyu. being happy? yeonjun hasn't been that in a while due to his beomgyu situation. he's not sure what beomgyu's father knows that he doesn't. "but, you've got to promise to keep him happy." he now reaches out for yeonjun's hand and holds them tightly.

"you've got to promise me, us." he repeats. yeonjun gets more confused by the passing second. "he's sensitive, he's more emotional when it comes to this things, you must now, yeonjun-ah." yeonjun knows, but he doesn't understand why him, why not the leader, soobin?

"he speaks really high of you to us, yeonjun." his father says, and yeonjun doesn't believe. beomgyu doesn't talk to him, would he really talk to his parents about him? and what about him? yeonjun's nervousness has hit the sky now. yeonjun is half confused and half nervous, and nothing around him makes sense. "if he thinks that you're good enough for him, then i think so too. you're a good boy, yeonjun-ah. you're really the best for my beomgyu."

and then it strikes yeonjun. his father thinks that yeonjun and beomgyu are dating. in a terrible attempt to hide his excitement, confusion and the burst of a million emotions at once, yeonjun tries to stutter a few words out to his father. but he doesn't understand why he would get such an idea.

"but one move wrong." oh, the possessive father mode has been activated, "and i won't forgive you, yeonjun-ah. won't ever let you near him."

yeonjun gulps. will his father give a similar instruction to heeseung, his actual boyfriend, as well?

"yes sir." yeonjun doesn't even fight it. he feels so elated, in the clouds right now. it feels like a meeting with his boyfriend's parent gone right, except there is no boyfriend. and the only candidate for the boyfriend is in a relationship with someone else. this is really fucked up, yeonjun remarks, but his father doesn't let go yet.

"do you love beomgyu?" his father asks plainly. beomgyu's father asks yeonjun if he felt something for beomgyu. the latter played no role.

yeonjun's mind fills with memories from his trainee fays when he first saw beomgyu sitting quietly at the table and reading through an instruction sheet that they were all given. then to the time when beomgyu complained excessively about yeonjun's iced americano addiction. to the time when beomgyu got addicted to it as well. yeonjun remembers the number of times he fell in love with beomgyu.

he's incapable of being able to count them all on his finger. he can't even remember, when, how, and what made him fall in love with beomgyu. but all he knows is that he loves his boy dearly. and wouldn't trade anything in the world for him.

"yeah." yeonjun whispers out, and now the alcohol is clearly fitting in his system, he thinks. "i love him so much. can't put it in words." if yeonjun didn't know any better, he was probably crying right now.

"beomgyu probably loves you twice as much." his father confirms, and that leaves yeonjun so sad, so confused, because his father has got it all wrong, and that yeonjun isn't beomgyu's boyfriend. but yeonjun is enjoying the moment so much, that he doesn't want it to stop. "have a good life, you two." his father concludes, sipping up the contents of his glass.

"take care of him, love him." he says. "don't let him down, yeonjun-ah. he really loves you. and i know you love him too."

yeonjun barely pays any attention to beomgyu's father now. he bows once, and then twice, and then mumbles something and makes his way back inside urgently. he realises what he's done. "fuck, fuck, fuck." yeonjun whispers to himself, when he realises that he's crossed the heights of being selfish. how could he just, be part of a conversation that never involved him? this was all meant for heeseung, and now yeonjun took it upon himself. beomgyu would really be so upset. he needed to fix things immediately.

"beomgyu." yeonjun tugs on beomgyu's t-shirt. "beomgyu, i need to talk to you." all eyes are upon yeonjun, but beomgyu doesn't budge.

"i'm playing right now, yeonjun hyung." beomgyu pouts. "can't it wait?"

the pout was absolutely the worst move that beomgyu could pull out, but yeonjun had to be firm. he couldn't let anything faze him now. he had to speak to beomgyu, and it had to be now.

"beomgyu-ah." yeonjun pleads. "please."

beomgyu leaves his game and takes yeonjun to the hallway. yeonjun is nervous as fuck and knows that beomgyu would be really mad by the end of it all but he needs to do it. for the sake of his friend and his healthy relationship.

"beomgyu..." yeonjun begins. "i think there's a misunderstanding."

"what misunderstanding, hyung?" beomgyu asks, and yeonjun cannot get his mind over the fact that beomgyu looks so pretty with the yellow light falling on him. he looks pretty all the time anyway.

"your parents...i think they think that we're...dating." there. yeonjun has said it. now he's free. but the look on beomgyu's face beats nothing. he sucks in a gasp, as if he were connecting the dots. which meant beomgyu knew. the look on his face said it all. beomgyu's face was red, crimson, even. he seemed fidgety all of a sudden. yeonjun was nervous anyway, but beomgyu looked like he was tent times more nervous.

"oh,fuck." yeonjun hears beomgyu speak, and he's still so confused. what the hell is happening? "did...did my father say anything about it to you?"

"yeah." yeonjun admits. "he asked me if i loved you, and then i said yes, he asked me to take care of you-"

"wait. pause." beomgyu cuts him off quickly. "say that again?"

yeonjun's never been so bewildered before. he really has no idea what's going on. "he asked me to take care of you?"

"no, you fool, before that?"

"beomgyu." yeonjun stopped him. "what do you want?"

"did you tell him you love me?" beomgyu asks. he's as nervous as yeonjun, and it shows. his hands are trembling.

"yeah?" yeonjun says as if it's the most obvious thing ever. "but i'm sorry, beomgyu-ah-

"yeonjun hyung." beomgyu stops it all. his heartbeat, his rambling, his shaking. "did you say you love me?"

"yes, beomgyu, i did. but you're in a -"

"will you, like, please shut up." beomgyu says almost immediately. "do you like me romantically?"

"yes? obviously?"

beomgyu lands a smack on yeonjun's hand. "ow!" yeonjun shrieks. "what was that for?"

"what makes it so obvious?" beomgyu is so close to either smacking his head on the wall, or making out with yeonjun.

"well?" yeonjun begins. "one, i've been hinting at it for years. two, everyone in the group literally knows but you. everyone says i'm so obvious. even like, the weekly idol staff knows. three, i acted like a clingy kid and like sulked the entire time that you ignored me. which again, i don't know what it was for. four, i threw a major tantrum after you uh, begun dating heeseung. five-"

"hyung, stop." beomgyu stops him. "none of this was obvious to me."

"well, the fact that you don't want to date me is pretty obvious to me." yeonjun grunts. "you're dating, have a boyfriend, you don't need me. i'll get over you, eventually, i guess. i won't let this affect the group."

"you speak too much." beomgyu complains. "hyung, look at me. in the eye."

"what?"

"i love you."

"no, you love heeseung-"

"for the love of god." beomgyu begs. "can you not mention him when i'm going to kiss you?"

"kiss me? what-"

and beomgyu kisses him. on the mouth. beomgyu's hands trail to hold yeonjun's head in place while kissing him properly. yeonjun doesn't know what this feeling is, is it content? he doesn't know. all he knows that right now, choi beomgyu is kissing him.

yeonjun kisses back, and it's definitely the best kiss of beomgyu's life. he's being want to do this all along. but yeonjun wants it more. yeonjun kisses so hard, it's almost too rough for their first kiss. neither of them seem to mind. yeonjun's mind feels hazy. he's on cloud nine.

they part, after one too many kisses, and then it strikes yeonjun. he just kissed the love of his life. beomgyu. who's dating heeseung. fuck.

"beomgyu, fuck." yeonjun breathes. beomgyu smiles a bit assuming that it's the kiss. it's not the kiss. it's heeseung. "fuck, fuck, beomgyu- i helped you cheat on heeseung, oh god-"

"hyung, i've never liked him. please calm down." beomgyu holds him down. "i've never loved anyone like i love you, hyung. i really do."

"you love me too?" yeonjun asks. this is a joke. there's got to be a camera here somewhere.

"i kissed you, so yes hyung." beomgyu chuckles against his lips. yeonjun gets another peck. "i love you."

"fuck, beomgyu." yeonjun still cannot wrap his head around the kiss. "i've loved you too, beoms. forever. i don't know why neither of us wouldn't say anything."

"cause you're stupid." beomgyu giggles. "and i'm stupid." he finishes. "ah. this feels so good. being close to you again."

"then why'd you let go of me anyway?" the month of suffering. yeonjun deserves an explanation.

"ah....that." beomgyu sighs. "you were getting hotter day by day and i- just couldn't control myself. i wanted to be around you twenty four seven. i didn't want to take advantage of you and your nice soul. i thought that you were just obliged to be with me every night, you know. so i thought..."

"god." yeonjun mumbles against beomgyu's hair, the sweet scent of his shampoo always being the best. "we're both so stupid. but what's with heeseung..."

"oh, that." beomgyu blushes a bit. "i don't like him, like at all. he just, he said he liked me, and then i felt bad for him so i thought...we'd give it a try. we were still in the talking phase. but i'll tell him tomorrow, i swear. just tonight, let me be with you."

"you're crazy if you think i'm letting you out of my sight now, beommie." yeonjun says and beomgyu groans. "you've deprived me enough for the past month and a half. i need my beomgyu back."

"you'll have your beomgyu back." he smiles.

and then yeonjun pauses. "what about your parents?" he's going to clear everything now. "how'd they..."

"ah." beomgyu remembers. "last week when i mentioned the heeseung situation to my mother, she asked me for a name. because i was sad, and mad in love, i told her it was you." beomgyu blushes and wow, yeonjun is so proud to see that. "i didn't know my secret would be out so soon."

"god, you're nuts." yeonjun whispers against his lips. "absolutely crazy."

"i can send the others to the guest room for tonight, if you'd like." beomgyu suggests. "we can sleep in my room, if that's okay with you."

"perfect." yeonjun kisses him. "i wouldn't want to sleep with any of those nasties anyway. i'm too beomgyu deprived. going to cuddle you to death tonight now that you're mine."

"i'm yours?" beomgyu chuckles at that.

"obviously you're mine." yeonjun rolls his eyes. "what, you want to be heeseung's?"

"lord, no way." beomgyu groans. "only yours."

"only me?"

"yeah, only mine."