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He couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t.
He didn’t know where he was going but he knew he needed to leave,
Go somewhere and hide until whatever this was worn off.
He entered the first room he found probably the vicar’s room, closed the door and collapsed against the first wall he found.
He needed to get it together, john relied on him and he couldn’t let him down, he was the best man for god’s sake he couldn’t just disappear before the ceremony.
But he couldn’t also stand there and see the woman he loved walk down the aisle to be his dear cousin’s wife.
He still couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. He felt like he was drowning and he couldn’t feel his surroundings.
There was only darkness around him…
Until he felt a cold hand on his face, it alerted him a little. It was followed by a soft voice:
- Hey there, just breathe. It’ alright.
He tried to focus on the voice as it kept on going, encouraging him to breathe, while holding his hand:
- Just breath with me, take a deep breath just like that, you’re doing great just keep going.
His breathing started to return to normal and he opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was a set of blue eyes that were clearer and more piercing than the ones he was familiar with and adored so much.
= What’s happened to me?
- You had a .. umm I don’t know if they have a name but I call them episodes, they happen when one is very distressed.
= I am not distressed.
She gave a skeptical look mixed with sympathy and then said:
- Most people don’t admit how distressed they are until it gets out of hand.
She then began to stand which made him realize that she was on the floor beside him,
He wanted to ask her not to leave but he couldn’t admit that he was scared that whatever happened might happen again. He noticed with relief that she was headed towards a table at the center of the room that had jug of water and a cup.
While she poured the water he tried to focus on anything else, anything other than how helpless he had been just a few moments ago, she had red hair and she wore a dark green dress that was lovely on her. He knew he recognized her but didn’t remember who she was.
She returned with a cup of water:
- Here, it’ll make you feel better.
He did as she asked and watched her as she re-sat on the ground in front of him.
= How did you find me?
- I noticed your hastily retreat and I recognized the signs, so I followed you.
= you had one of those before?
She averted her eyes while saying:
- A couple of times, I know they’re hard when you go through them on your own.
He felt sad that she had to go through this on her own, he had her and still he felt like a carriage has hit him.
He gave her the empty cup:
= thank you.
He looked at her trying to tell her it wasn’t only about the water, she smiled at him and nodded and put the cup beside them.
She told him her name. Penelope Featherington. She was introduced to him as a friend of the Bridgertons.
She looked at him, it wasn’t intrusive or rude, merely inquiring and concerned, like she wanted to hear whatever he had to say.
He took a deep breath while she waited patiently:
= Marriage is forever.
She looked confused at first until understanding dawned on her:
- Oh,
I see.
It was the first time he told someone, not that he said much but she understood, and as difficult as it was giving his secret to a stranger, he felt lighter, like a load was lift off of his shoulders.
She looked contemplative, there were a mix of emotions in her eyes but none of them was pity. It made him feel better.
- You know they’re not married yet. Have you thought about telling them?
= And what? Ruin my cousin’s happiness?
She flinched and her eyes widened, he could see hurt in them but he couldn’t tell why.
= I can’t do that to him, to Her.
Her brows were furrowed and her lips were a thin line.
- You said marriage is forever, you can’t just let her go through such arrangement without knowing all the facts, that’s not fair to her,
She deserves to know.
= And what then? She would choose me? She would be a fool if she did.
- Why?
= he will make her happy.
- And you won’t?
His shoulders slumped and his voice sounded resigned:
= I can only try.
- But you love her...
= and he would make her happier, I am not half the man John is,
I wouldn’t want to lose him or her ending up being unhappy with me.
Then he smiled sadly at her. She opened her mouth like she wanted to argue more but then closed her mouth like she thought better of it.
She took the empty cup from the ground and stood to pour herself some water.
She looked at him while standing, the look in her eyes tired and unfocused like someone carrying a burden so heavy, staring into the distance:
- It’s quite the pickle, isn’t? No matter what you do, you lose anyway.
He nodded in agreement, her eyes focused on him and then she moved and sat beside him, leaning her back against the wall and looking at him:
- It gets better.
He looked at her inquiring with his eyebrows furrowed, so she explained:
- The whole unrequited love thing. You’ll be alright, eventually.
And although his life is still quite mucked up and nothing has changed, it felt good to be able to confide in someone, someone who seemed to understand, someone that gave him hope that at some point it will stop hurting that much.
And when all was said and done,
And when everyone left but him standing alone at the altar and the redhead girl who he thought of as a friend tipped an imaginary hat in a salute that made him smile before she followed the others,
He believed,
He would be alright.