Work Text:
"I'm home!" Shinji announced. He got no response, even though he knew that Asuka had arrived at least two hours ago. Pen-pen was nowhere to be seen.
'And Misato will not return until later,' the boy thought. 'Good. The coast is clear.'
He left his shoes at the entrance and tiptoed through the apartment, clutching a shopping bag close to his chest. He heard some noises coming from the German girl's room, and he held his breath as he passed by. Once he reached the safety of his tiny and windowless bedroom, he slid the door close and let out a sigh.
Shinji wasted no time. He turned on the lights, sat on his bed and opened the shopping bag. Using both hands, he picked up the object inside with extreme care, as if he was handling a valuable treasure or a delicate relic. His eyes gleamed with excitement as he read the words on the box:
DUNGEONS&DRAGONS
He still couldn't believe it. In his little spare time since coming to Tokyo-3, he had tried to get a hold of a set or even some player books; but it seemed that the franchise wasn't exactly popular in Nerv's city. He hadn't been able to find anything in any of the few game shops of the metropolis, as insane as it may sound, until that very afternoon.
Shinji had been tasked with cleaning duty after class, so Asuka had gone home without him. After finishing, and since they didn't have any synch tests scheduled, he decided to go for a walk before returning to the apartment. He wandered around for a while, eventually reaching a neighborhood he hadn't been in before, where he found a game shop which had somehow slipped under his radar. They had the box on display, behind the glass, and Shinji had doubted only for a femtosecond before running inside and buying it.
Nobody knew about that little hobby of his, not Misato and most certainly not his father. And even if he knew, he probably wouldn't care. Shinji had thought about telling Touji and Kensuke and perhaps inviting them to play; but the was sure that the former wouldn't be interested the game, while the latter seemed to prefer sci-fi over fantasy. Of course, Asuka didn't know. She couldn't know. Shinji dreaded to imagine how much she would laugh, how much she would mock him if she knew. She'd most likely call him a 'pathetic nerd' or something along those lines.
He opened the box. It contained a rulebook, a player's book, a screen for the Dungeon Master, some character sheets and two little plastic bags full of dice. It was very similar to his first set, the one from that afternoon so many years before.
Shinji had found it in the cellar, buried beneath a pile of shredded newspapers. When he questioned his teacher about it, the old man explained that it had belonged to a relative of his. He allowed him to keep it, as long as it didn't interfere with his studies and his cello lessons.
Truth be told, little Shinji had been disappointed by the contents of the box at first, since he had been expecting a more traditional board game. However, once he began to read the manuals, he couldn't stop. He was enthralled by that strange game of strange rules, and by the stories of faraway worlds full of magic, monsters and peril. That became his refuge, his solace in the lonely afternoons. His hobby. He enjoyed cooking, but that was a necessity. He didn't mind the cello lessons, but those were an obligation. D&D, on the other hand, was his choice. Before being summoned to Tokyo-3, Shinji used to spend his spare time reading and re-reading the books, memorizing the rules, the spells and the lore of that world of fantasy. He had even rolled some random characters, crafting their backstories with care.
As he revisited those memories, Shinji picked up a cyan twenty-sided die and smiled at the nostalgic sensation in his fingers. He hadn't held one of those in months.
His smile quivered as he kept remembering. Sadly, their small town lacked a game shop, and the schedule designed by his strict teacher prevented him from traveling too far to find one. So, whenever he wanted information about different monsters, other classes or new adventure modules; he had to look it up on the net, in his teacher's old computer, and only after he had finished his homework and chores. Furthermore, the aforementioned tight schedule made it impossible for Shinji to find people that shared his interest. Not that it would've made any difference. The boy was sure that, even if he had been able to meet other kids, he would've ended up alone anyway, due to his shyness and lack of social skills.
He stared at the die, not as happy as before, remembering those few times when the books and his imagination hadn't been enough. Those times when he'd wished for just one friend to play with.
"Hey, idiot! We're out of ice cream! Go buy some!"
Shinji fell from the bed, startled by that yell and by the sound of his room's door being violently slid open. Upside down, he watched as the cyan die flew from his hand and rolled through the floor, stopping next to some toes he knew very well.
He turned until he got on his knees and he looked up. Asuka stood on the threshold, silent, apparently not caring about ice cream anymore. Her eyes moved between the die at her feet, the starter set on the bed and Shinji. Her mouth was agape, and the boy was already imagining what kind of words were going to come out.
'Don't mock me,' he thought, lowering his gaze. 'Please, Asuka, don't mock me, not for this. Insult me for being a coward, laugh at my piloting skills, make fun of everything you want, but not of this. This…' tears began to form in his eyes. 'This is one of the few things that made me happy back then. Please…'
He dared to look up. All of the sudden, the girl turned around and ran to her own room. Shinji heard the unmistakable noise of rummaging coming from the other side of the corridor. Asuka returned after a few seconds, holding a box very similar to his.
"You play, too?" she asked, her eyes glimmering with child-like excitement.
"Y-You play, too?" shocked by the surprise, that was all he could say.
Asuka ignored the fact that Shinji hadn't answered her question and she strolled inside his small room.
"Of course I do!" she said, holding the box close to her chest. "I love this game!"
"What?" he shouted, doubly shocked. In his eyes, of all his housemates, the German pilot was the least likely to enjoy D&D. Yes, even less than Pen-pen. "Why?"
Asuka leaned over him.
"What are you, stupid?" she asked, although Shinji noticed that there wasn't as much venom in that insult as usual. "Roleplaying is a great exercise for the mind! It hones your decision-making skills and your problem-solving skills. It also boosts your creativity and your ability to react and improvise. Besides, even if it's just make-believe, the whole 'adventurers on a quest' thing is cool. Not as cool as saving the world in a giant robot, of course, but cool nonetheless," she looked at his set. "I don't remember seeing it when I moved your stuff out of my room."
"I just bought it. I had one in my teacher's house, but I didn't bring it with me."
"Oh. I've had mine since I was in Germany," the redhead pointed at the corners of her box. "See? They're worn out. This little thing has traveled the world with me!"
"That's amazing. I bet you've played with lots of interesting people."
Asuka leaned back and averted her gaze, pretending to be interested in a random spot in the walls.
"Not really," she explained. "I didn't have any friends my age. Some employees of Nerv Germany offered to play with me, but they were a bunch of perverted nerds. Thank goodness that I saw through them in time. Ew," she shuddered at that memory. She sat down in Shinji's bed, nex to to his box, and kept talking: "In college I tried to find a group, but most of the other students didn't like me. They were jealous that I was getting better grades than them with half their age," she looked down and let out a sigh of disappointment. "And I think Kaji isn't interested. I keep inviting him to play with me, but he always comes up with an excuse."
Shinji couldn't believe his ears. Not only did Asuka share his hobby, but it seemed that her experiences with the game had been similar to his own.
The German girl recovered quickly. She jumped off the bed and crouched next to him. That child-like excitement sparkled once more in her eyes as she said:
"Let's play!"
"I'm home…" Misato announced. Without waiting for a response, and groaning in exhaustion, she slouched towards the kitchen. Just as she was about to open the fridge and grab a can of Yebisu, the whole apartment was shaken by a familiar female voice:
"YOU IDIOT! How can you be so stupid?"
The Major of Nerv sighed. 'Poor Shinji,' she thought. 'I wonder what he did this time.'
"Stop being so stubborn! And I'm not stupid!"
Misato froze in place. That was Shinji's voice. Shinji had just yelled back at Asuka.
Beer no longer on her mind, Misato ran towards the girl's room, where the shouting was coming from. She hoped to arrive in time to save Shinji before all of his bones were broken.
The door was already open. Her two wards stood in the middle of the bedroom, barely a meter of distance from one another as they exchanged angry stares and loud words. Misato could almost see sparks flying off the teenagers' eyes. She looked down at the floor between them and saw an assortment of pens, papers and dice of many colors and shapes.
Asuka had one arm extended towards Shinji, holding a red twenty-sided die in her hand. She waved it aggressively as she shouted:
"Only an idiot like you could not understand something so simple! I said that I wanted to Search for a horse, I rolled the die and I got a natural twenty! Give me my horse!"
Clutching the rulebook, he wasted no time in replying:
"For the last time, Asuka: Search and Perception do not alter reality! If there isn't a horse around, you're not going to find one, regardless of how good you roll!"
Both were so enthralled by their discussion that they didn't notice the presence of their guardian.
"I! Got! A! Natural! Twenty!" Asuka insisted, a vein pulsating on her forehead.
"Alright, then you search the whole room and you confirm that there isn't a horse in there! In fact, you discover that it's physically impossible for that room to contain a horse of any kind!"
"That's Kuhscheiße and you know it! I WANT MY HORSE!"
"YOUR CHARACTER IS IN A SMALL BEDROOM IN THE THIRD FLOOR OF A HAUNTED CASTLE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! HOW WOULD A HORSE GET THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?"
Misato threw her hands up in the air. Whatever was happening in there, it was too nerdy for her. As long as the kids didn't bite each other's heads off, she needn't intervene. She went back to the kitchen, longing for that beer.
Meanwhile, Asuka took exception to Shinji's last statement:
"Are you saying that I get nothing for my excellent Search roll?"
"Since you specifically searched for a horse, no you don't," he crossed his arms over his chest, not willing to yield or to negotiate. "Next time, just do a general Search roll, and I'll tell you what you find."
"That rule is stupid, just like you," and she stuck out her tongue at him, to reinforce her argument.
"Well, too bad. I'm the Dungeon Master and I say that's how things work."
Asuka scoffed.
"More like the Dummkopf Master if you ask me," she put her fists on her waist. "You know what your problem is, Third? You're scared of taking risks! This game is all about the random numbers. You roll the die, accept the results and adapt to the situation!"
"That's not true! Dice are important, but there are also rules that we must follow! Without rules it's not a game, it's just chaos!"
"Bah!" the redhead turned her nose up. "Rules are for railroading wimps that are scared of taking risks! Like you!"
"I'm not scared of taking risks!"
"Yes, you are!"
"No, I'm not!"
"Yes, you are!"
"No, I'm not!"
"Yes, you are!"
"NO, I'M NOT!"
"Well, prove it!" Asuka raised her arm, the die still in her hand. "If I roll another twenty, you kiss me right here, right now!"
Her body moved before she could process what she had just said. By the time she did, it was too late. Both teenagers stared at the die as it bounced and rolled over the sheets on the floor, until it stopped right under Shinji's nose.
20
A dead silence fell on the room. It was so quiet that they could hear Misato gulping down her beer at the other end of the apartment. The boy dropped the rulebook. The redhead's mouth hung open.
'Why did I say that?' she screamed in her mind, her eyes wide as saucers and still locked on the number of doom. 'What was I thinking? Do… Do I really want him to kiss me? Okay, calm down, Asuka, nothing's going to happen, the idiot is too much of a wimp. You'll see, he's just going to blush, apologize for nothing, and then he'll run–'
Her train of thought was interrupted when she felt two trembling hands on her shoulders. Asuka was brought back to reality just in time to see a very nervous Shinji closing his eyes and pressing his lips against hers.
At the moment of contact, the girl's body stiffened and her mind became a chaotic jumble of emotions. Her first instinct was to search for an excuse to push him away, to yell at him and perhaps even hit him; but she found none. She couldn't even call him a pervert; she had been the one to ask for the kiss. Shinji had just taken her dare. In a surprising turn of events, he had manned up for once. Equally surprising was the pleasant sensation that was spreading through her body. Asuka closed her eyes, getting lost in the feeling on her lips. She relaxed and put her arms around his waist.
As for him, the first seconds of the kiss were the most anxious of his life. His cheeks red as tomatoes and his legs trembling, Shinji dreaded that, as soon as their mouths parted, he would be a dead man. However, when he felt her arms closing around him, all the tension in his muscles –and it was a lot of tension– disappeared. He didn't understand, but he didn't care. His brain was too confused to care. All that mattered was that, for once, he was not scared of Asuka and she wasn't pushing him away. He began to caress her shoulders, softly. In response, the girl released muffled moans of content.
The kissing stopped after a while, but neither of them released the hold on the other. They opened their eyes and found themselves closer than they had ever been. Shinji could not stop looking into the girl's blue irises. Asuka did the same with his, which were also blue, although of a much darker shade. She hadn't noticed it until then. They stood there, blushing as their heartbeats synchronized.
It took them some time to fully realize what had happened. They pretty much jumped away from each other, breaking eye contact. They were tense, nervous to acknowledge the other's presence and what had just happened.
Asuka was the first to talk:
"Your breathing tickled me," she said, trying to sound annoyed.
"S-So did yours," Shinji stuttered.
"It was awkward," she complained.
He just nodded.
The room was swallowed by another uncomfortable silence, this one much more violent than the last. Gone were the energy and the passion with which they argued just moments before. Only a few feet separated them now, but they behaved as if they were on opposite sides of a vast chasm. Asuka crossed her arms and put her hands on her shoulders, just where Shinji's had been just a moment before. She began to rub, questioning herself if she was doing it to erase the feeling of his touch or to replicate it. Her brain gave no satisfactory answer.
"Um…" Shinji scratched the back of his head, daring to look at Asuka again. "Should… Should we continue with the game?"
She shook her head, without meeting his gaze. He knelt down and started to pick up the character sheets and the dice, returning them to the box.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
Asuka frowned. There it was that word that she hated so, so very much. He hadn't said it once during the whole game, so why now?
The girl walked to her bed. On the way, she picked up the red twenty-sided die before Shinji could put it back into the box. He didn't complain. He didn't say anything. As usual. The boring little boy had returned, much to her chagrin. She ignored him and sat on the bed, wondering why she had dared him to kiss her... and why she had enjoyed it.
'Do I like Shinji?' Asuka had entertained that question a couple of times in the past, always dismissing it quickly. However, this time she could not ignore it, and it was pretty clear that the answer was going to be a 'Yes'. If not, why had she allowed the kiss to last for so long? Why had she allowed him to caress her shoulders? Come to think of it, why had she been disappointed when he didn't get the meaning behind the Wall of Jericho? Why had she been saddened when he didn't react to her bikini, that time at the pool? Asuka could no longer deny that, for quite a while, and perhaps unconsciously, she had been trying to get Shinji's attention. Despite their first meeting, he had grown on her in the past weeks. Yes, he was a housebroken male, but he did the chores with diligence and his food was delicious. Yes, he was a wimp, but he displayed courage and initiative sometimes, going as far as jumping into an active volcano for her. Yes, he was boring, but also quiet and kind, unlike some other males she had met during her life. And he was cute, she had to admit. But most importantly, he was always there. Be it to pilot at her side, to cook for her or to simply keep her company, he was there. Unlike Kaji, who she had seen less and less since arriving in Japan.
Meanwhile, the boy closed the box, everything back inside except for the red die. As he did this, he confronted a question of his own:
'Does Asuka like me?' Shinji had accepted, a long time ago, the fact that he had a crush on his fellow pilot. At first it had been just physical attraction, but after living with her for so long, it had grown into something else. He still thought that she was gorgeous, but now he liked her also for her determination, her lively demeanor, her strength and her intelligence. He admired those qualities, he admired her, even if she could be bossy and confrontational sometimes, and confusing a lot of times. And there was something else: Shinji still remembered the last night of their synchronization training, the moment when he had tried to kiss her in her sleep –a moment he wasn't proud of at all–, when she had called for her mother with tears under her eyelids. He had discovered, back then, that beneath Asuka's brash and competitive exterior resided a child just like him. He wanted to get close to that girl. He wanted to… He wasn't really sure; he just didn't want to see her sad again. He liked her that much. But Shinji had always believed that his feelings weren't and would never be reciprocated. After all, how could someone as amazing as Asuka Langley Sohryu be attracted to a wimp like him? She was way out of his league and he was just a boring little boy. He was the coward who always ran away, the useless kid abandoned by his father. He was only her friend, and considering how much she insulted him, perhaps not even that.
And yet… she had been the one to come up with the dare.
They looked at each other. Questions were piling up in their brains and already climbing up their throats. They wanted to talk, to ask, to explain their doubts so that the other could dispel them; but the words died on their tongues and the uncomfortable silence was left unbroken. They averted their gazes once more, still separated by that vast chasm of only a few feet. Shinji felt the urge to run away, to return to his room and hide from the pain and the discomfort. Asuka noticed the change in his demeanor, and anger bubbled in her stomach. She hated it when he acted like a coward. She wanted to yell at him, to insult him and to hit him. Since he wished to run away so badly, she would kick him out of her room herself. Her aggressive defense mechanisms were gaining hold in her mind, willing to hurt Shinji before he could hurt her.
The two teenagers understood that they were crawling back into their usual behaviors, and if they didn't stop it, the night would end in screams and maybe even tears. They had shared a connection during the kiss, not just a physical one, but that was lost and it seemed that they could not rebuild it. They were far too damaged to do that.
'It's not fair,' they thought, in perfect mental synchronization.
But it had not been just during the kiss, and they knew it. It had started in the game. Shinji had narrated the adventure with confidence in himself. He hadn't stuttered, he hadn't apologized a single time. As for Asuka, she had accepted the botched rolls as part of the game; she hadn't seen them as losses or as wounds to her pride. She had banished her competitive nature for a few minutes to have fun with her housemate. Even during their shouting match at the end they had been closer to each other than usual, emotionally speaking. Shinji had yelled back instead of cowering, and although Asuka had insulted him, there hadn't been any venom in her words, and at no moment she had tried to throw him out of the room, to push him away from her.
Their eyes opened wide when the realization hit them: it was the game. In the game, they could lower their defenses and be comfortable in each other's presence, even if they were arguing. That was because, in the game, they didn't need to worry about Angels, or Evas or about the possibility of dying in their next battle. There were no Impacts in the game, no synch tests, no bad relationships with a father, no nightmares about the loss of a mother, no need to be the best, no need to grow up fast, no fear of rejection, no fear of being hurt, no fear of being abandoned, no need for mental defenses, no need for barriers, no running away… No, in the game there were just the two of them, being honest with themselves and with each other.
Alas, this revelation also filled them with sadness, because they knew that the game was just that, a game. It would end, sooner or later, and they would have to return to a real world filled with monsters and absent parents, a world where they could not survive without their mental defenses and their emotional barriers. A world where their fear of pain would prevent them from connecting again.
'It's not fair,' they thought one more time, wishing that they could take the game to every other moment of their existence.
Asuka was staring at the red die in her hands when she got an idea. True, they could not take the game to the real world, but maybe, just maybe, they could use it as a stepping stone. They could play once or twice a month, daring to open themselves a little bit more each session, until they were comfortable enough doing the same thing in their everyday lives. Perhaps they didn't even need to play at all; maybe they could just use the tools of the game to start fixing themselves, and go up from there.
It was worth a shot.
"Sit with me, Shinji."
He looked at her, and Asuka could see fear and insecurity in his eyes. She worried that she would have to yell at him to obey, but soon Shinji stood up, walked to the bed and sat next to her, although he left a considerable space between the two. She didn't like that, but she understood. She couldn't expect him to be brave, at least not twice in a day.
It was now or never. She showed him the red die.
"If I roll another twenty, we kiss again," Asuka proposed. "What do you say?"
At first, Shinji just stared in confusion, his eyes shifting from the girl to the die and back to the girl again. It didn't take him long to understand her plan. While he wasn't as smart as her, he wasn't an idiot, regardless of how much she called him that. He nodded as his cheeks began to gain color.
Asuka opened her hand, allowing the die to fall on the bed. Two pairs of eyes followed its movements as it rolled across the mattress.
8
The redhead huffed and frowned, disappointment visible in her face. It was the first botched roll of the afternoon that actually bothered her. Elbows on her knees, she rested her chin on her hands as she averted her gaze, pouting at the wall. It seemed that luck wasn't on her side. Alas, she had come up with the idea, she had been the one to defend the importance of the dice before. She had no option but to accept the results. No words were spoken for a while.
Then, she saw movement from the corner of her eye. Shinji had extended a trembling arm towards the die. With a shy flick of his index finger, he made it roll over until it showed the desired number.
20
He withdrew his arm while his face achieved an impossible shade of red. He gulped audibly. His legs were shaking. However, the girl could see a twinkle of determination in his eyes.
Asuka smiled warmly at the pleasant surprise. Luck may not be on her side, but Shinji was, and despite his fears, he wasn't going to run away. Not this time.
Good, because she wasn't going to push him away.
She leaned in closer.
"Pucker up, Dummkopf Master."
THE END