Chapter Text
the other side of the mirror.
Disorientation.
Everything feels off the moment consciousness caught up to her. It sort of feels liberating still, in a sense. She feels like she's floating, her whole body heavy as though it hasn't been used in weeks and it took a while for her to gain control of her limbs. It started from her fingers, and she stretched the digits as she moaned softly.
The first thing she woke up to was the sound of bass, drums and electric guitar in a rhythm that sounded odd. But it fills her ears pleasantly, and had weirdly started to give her the strength to get out of where she lays as of currently.
She holds her fingers out, grasping the soft surfaces which she realizes are bed sheets. Her eyes remained closed meanwhile, finding it almost painful to open them especially with the obvious light soaking through her eyelids. Now, groaning, she chokes on her throat, realizing the raspy texture.
Finally, her eyelids slowly open, and the first thing she sees is nothing but a blur. Which is unsurprising. She's always had bad eyesight. Blinking her eyes more awake, she releases a gasp when her vision finally clears. Like, actually cleared.
The surprise throws her off, and she sits up with a small shriek, before wincing at the heavy migraine pounding against her skull. Biting her lower lip with eyes shut close, she takes a deep inhale, trying to stop all movements that will deepen the ache in her head. Amidst her struggle, she almost doesn't notice the knock on her door.
"(Y/N), get up. You're gonna be late, your mom has to head to work at eight." The familiar voice of her father is muffled, but she recognizes it and she frowns. Oh right...
When she opens her eyes, an unfamiliar setting greets her. White, cream walls, small warm lights hanging on a wall filled with collages of photographs. Her mouth falls open, this is an unfamiliar room, but with the amount of photographs with her faces in them, she realizes it must be her room. Supposedly.
But she doesn't own this much things! She doesn't sleep alone in her room, nor does she have picture collages and lights like that. But how? How did she get here? Why is she here? And was that really her father outside?!
Knocks erupt again, but this time much more urgent, "(Y/N)."
"I'llㅡ" she clears the rasp in her voice, "I'll be there." She replies, head still reeling. What the fuck is going on?
She stumbles out of her twin sized bed, movements wobbly, though she manages. It's an unfamiliar place, but it still feels like home. She groans softly, the headache now slowly disappearing, though there's still a heavy weight in her head.
She starts to do her usual routine, it's not how she usually does her own, but it seems like it's automatic. A reflex, almost robotic. She put a lot of care products on her face, and even her bath consisted of a lot of oils. It's now she notices the smooth texture of her skin and the even tone. Holy shit…
Standing before the mirror, she wipes off the steam and is greeted by the same appearance. Except...she looks better. As if glowing. Her dark eyes aren't prominent, and her slightly crooked teeth are straight and almost white as chalk. She almost falls to the floor. Her blemishes are gone, and the veins on her cheeks are replaced by a natural glow. Who the fuck?!
Gulping, the sudden urge to hurry envelops her, and she starts to rush. She blow dries her hair, fixing them in a style that frames her face perfectly and does her makeup. Wait, makeup? Her hands are eager to put a heavy amount, but she shakes off the feeling and fixes her eyebrows, lashes and a small tint of lip gloss. Her skin isn't perfect, but for her it's the best skin she's had ever since she was younger.
Smiling in satisfaction, she puts on a dark green pleated skirt, white blouse and a tie the same color as her skirt. Her blazer is sophisticated, a patch of a white and blue wings over a shield on her left breast. It looks oddly familiar...but shaking her head, she puts on her knee socks. A strong urge to wear stocking coils at her gut, but she just settles for the thigh high socks.
She hears somebody call her in urgency and she replies in reflex, "Coming!"
Quickening her pace, she debates on putting the lone butterfly pin she saw on her makeup cabinets, before ultimately pinning it on the left side of her hair. It fills her with a slight sense of anxiety and dread, but she brushes it off, grinning widely as she almost skips down the stairs near her bedroom.
Everything is unfamiliar. It almost feels like a dream, but it seems her body knows where to go, and she lets it lead her. It's an expensive looking house, and she marvels in awe before her eyes fall on the four people in the kitchen. She immediately recognizes her family members.
Unable to contain her happiness, she exclaims, "Good morning!" It's a signature greeting, but she still notes the surprise in her. Why?
Her siblings look at her with oddity, while her parents glances at each other in slight surprise. Even her family members look so different yet the same.
Grabbing a slice of apple, she bounces to her mother, "So, let's go?"
Her mother splutters in surprise, but smiles ultimately, "Okay. We'll be going now. Don't forget your things, you two. Especially you." She points at the rest of the family members, before heading out, followed by the girl.
The air is supposed to be tense, but she fidgets happily in her seat as she finishes the apple. Throwing it in a small trash compartment in her mother's car, she leans back. It's so odd. Her...other mother didn't have a car…
As the car continues to go forward, she can't help but let her mind wander. This must be a dream, then. Everything looks so perfect here. Her family is living comfortably, she has all the things she wants and she goes to what seems to be a prestigious school. It's best to relish in it while she can, right?
She's snapped out of her reverie when her mother finally stops the car, and she looks past the window to the large school building that greeted her. It's formed as a U, and a large garden/quadrangle area is the first to greet her, along with an elegant fountain in the middle. Students wearing the same uniform as her litter the area, and she releases a giddy laugh as she turns to her mother.
"Bye, ma!" Placing a quick kiss on her mother who looked surprised, she opened the car door and grins widely, twirling around the place to take in everything.
Holy crap, this place is beautiful...
The sky is so blue, the birds are chirping, everything smells great, even the ground is rid of a speck of dirt. She smiles wider, laughing to herself in glee. This is the best dream everㅡ
"(N/N)? Over here!"
A familiar but slightly unfamiliar voice calls out to her, and she twists her body to a pair of girls waving at her by the fountain. One is dark skinned with bright, blonde hair while the other has round glasses and luscious brown locks. When she turned, she noticed the surprise in their eyes.
Rizza and Lady.
The names came inside her head, and she bounced to them with a smile, "Hey, girls!"
As she stopped, Rizza, the blonde haired tilted her head, and the girl noted the heavy makeup on her face, "You look...different."
Lady, from beside her nods, "And...feel different, too."
She just laughs merrily, dismissing a hand as she drags them forward, "Come on, we'll be late! There's so much to do, the day is just starting!" She almost squeals, and she notices the odd looks she's getting. A slight annoyance tickles her gut, but she shakes it off, used to it.
Rizza stumbles for a moment, "Uh, girl, what? Are you okay?"
When they reach the open entrance, she lets them go, smile ever present, "Are you serious? I've never been better!"
To her excitement, she left the girls behind, skipping ahead as she passed by cabinets of trophies, students, pictures and the lockers. She looked around, finding the place familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time, again. When she turns onto a staircase, she almost stumbles as somebody bumps into her, shoulder colliding with hers and she almost falls.
Flushing, she raises her head with wide eyes as she gets ready to apologize.
"IㅡI'm sorry!"
Bright hazel eyes look at her own with immense nervousness and fear, the voice that echoes not hers but of the brown haired girl in front of her with a hashbrown in hand. She's knocked senseless for a moment, finding the face so familiar that she's left confused.
As a pair of new voices ring out, she finally blinks out of her stupor, flushing darker, "No! It should be me apologizing! I wasn't looking…I'm sorry for that."
She titters nervously, and the girl in front of her looks at her in disbelief. Why is she looking at her like that?
Even the voices around them seem to stop, and she glances around to meet amber eyes of a bald boy, pretty blue eyes of a blonde girl and a scrutinizing gaze of a tall woman with freckles on her tan skin. They all look so familiar…
But she turns back to the still girl, smiling in reassurance since she hasn't closed her agape mouth as she continues staring. (Y/N) chuckles nervously, tucking a stray hair behind her ear as she purses her lips slightly and finally speaking, "Um, yeah...sorry again. I have to go, now…enjoy your hashbrowns!" With one last nervous look, she dashes off, finding the heavy gazes on her unbearable.
What just happened? Why was everyone looking at me like that?
As she continues forward with a slightly dejected face, she finally notices she's outside again, out in the open field, and she enters past the fences without much of a thought. It's so odd. Everything is familiar, but somehow it's not. This dream is weird.
Booming voices greet her, and she stands awkwardly by the bleachers as she notices the soccer player by the field. There are a few students sitting by the bleachers, and she manages to catch the eyes of a boy with slightly long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He's looking at her weirdly and she slowly tilts her head with an inquisitive smile. He jolts in surprise, turning away almost immediately. She frowns.
But her eyes also land on the girl beside him, expression stoic. She noticed the dark clothingㅡgothic style, specifically. It suits her, she thought. Just then, the girl couldn't help but feel a sense of guilty dread overwhelming her. She swallows thickly, bringing a hand on the tightness in her chest, right as a shout pierces the air.
Within a second, her eyes caught sight of a soccer ball aimed at her, and with reflexes as fast as a fly, she dodges to the side whilst stumbling. With panting breath, she watch with wide eyes as it rolls away and hits the fence, "Wha...what the fuck?!"
Crying out, she snaps her head to the mass of soccer players, wide eyes landing on a tall figure of a man with black hair and a long face. He's looking at her with worry and slight apprehensiveness, movements showing his uncertainty. Everyone else is looking, anticipating what happens next, but to their surprise, the (h/c) haired girl just releases a relieved sigh.
"Sorry for cursing, that wasn't aimed at you, by the way. Just, er, try not to kick that in my face next time, alright?" She smiles nervously, grabbing the soccer ball that has now rolled back to her general direction.
"I...yeah, I'mㅡI'm sorry about that!" He flushes, disbelief obvious in his face as he walks forward to grab the ball from her. Their fingers brush and he flushes, unable to look at her reassuring expression as he clears his throat.
"No worries, Bertholdt." She says automatically, and she blinks in surprise at the name. Bertholdt.
Even the mentioned male himself looks surprised as he falters in his movements. He holds an aura of bashfulness, and the girl just smiles again, eyes darting to his awaiting teammates.
"T...thanks." he murmurs before running off.
She watched him, eyes occasionally trailing to a buff blonde man who started talking to him with a slightly unnerving expression. Their eyes meet, and he smirks to her to which she just blinks at. Some of their teammates murmur to one another while glancing at her, and within a few minutes, their practice continues again.
Not wanting to stay out with such an unnerving atmosphere, she left, but not before glancing at the blonde boy and the goth girl. Both are already looking with unreadable eyes, and she quickly walked away, somewhat feeling disbelief and dread.
What the hell was that?
Arriving at her classroom, she automatically walks over to the seat at the second row from the back, her body already knowing how the usual routine goes. She ignored the odd looks she's getting, and instead opted to smile happily while walking to her chair. She won't let those looks dampen her mood, because this is one of the best dreams ever!
As she pulled out her first book for the first class, she held out a clean pencil case, gazing into the cute patterns swirling the outside. It looks like it hasn't been used, and isn't as worn as one would expect a pencil case to be. She zips it open, almost squealing at the array of cutely decorated pens and pencils. Even the erasers are animal shaped. And they look like they haven't been used, at all.
Testing out the expensive looking supplies, she started sketching on the back of her book, noting that it's literature. Ugh, so early in the morning?
With excited fingers, she started sketching her usual things, at awe at the consistency of the pencil and the easy strokes she managed to make. In just a minute, a face is staring back at her. Gazing into the sketch, she couldn't help but smile. Even in this dream, she can draw.
There aren't many familiar faces in her class, and she just opted to listen to the teacher as she worked. She's familiar with the lesson, and managed to answer a few questions which earned her another set of weird looks. Even the teacher looked surprised.
But she remained resilient. This dream has been weird in all kinds of ways, but the least she could do is do her best at studying. She noted that her past works have such terrible grades, and she grimaces at the rows of 1, 0 0, 2, 1, 4 scores. What the hell has she been doing previously? She suck!
After her first class, English followed, and she unsurprisingly aced everything. She's always liked the English subject, since she likes to write stories and the like. Her teacher once again gave her odd looks, along with her classmates to which she ignored. She starts to notice that none of these students doesn't seem to pay much attention or even understand a single word from the teacher.
When lunchbreak rolled around, two familiar faces greeted her by the door.
"(N/N)! What the heck? You've been here this entire time? You just ditched us all morning!" Rizza grabs the girl by her arm, pulling her up to drag her away. She spluttes in surprise, almost dropping her bunny wallet which is filled with a lot of money. Oh, the food she can buy with this!
"I had class!" She cries out while Lady bounces next to them, arm circling her own with a giggle.
"I think (N/N) hit her head last night." She muses teasingly, and the girl in the middle looks at them with a frown.
"What do you mean? I'm still me." She grumbles, and her two friends look at her in surprise.
Rizza starts to look worried, "Hey, are you sure you're alright? I mean, you've been weird all morning. You're not your usual...callous self…" she trails off, somewhat nervous of what she had stated, but the (h/c) haired girl just snorted.
"'Callous'? I sound fucking terrible. But anyways, I dunno, I just...had a change of heart, I guess?" She shrugs, but inside her head, she mull over her friend's words. So maybe that's why she's been getting odd looks. Was her past self terrible or something? God, she sounded like a bitch. This dream sure is getting complex.
Lady has her mouth open, surprised as she meets eyes with Rizza. She ignores the two meanwhile, rushing to the cafeteria doors as she inhaled the stench of dread, food and body odor. She inhaled deeply, before exhaling as if refreshed, "Everything smells so vivid...God, I fucking hate high school smell." She mumbles to herself with a giggle, before dragging the two stupefied girls to the line.
"I'm so excited to eat, I'm starving!" She exclaims as she gawks at the food on display. They look horrible! Grinning up to the cafeteria lady, she grins widely, "Wow, these look so unappetizing! Please give me that one!" Pointing at the terrible looking sandwich, she gladly takes it while the students around her are stifling laughter.
She starts to point at the weirdest looking food, eager to taste them because they just don't look right. But it's alright! It's just a dream anyway.
She's laughing by the time her tray is full, sniffing the terrible smell of the yogurt as she gags. She looks crazy to everyone looking at her, but hey, it's just a dream!
They settle on a table a bit on the corner of the big room, and she starts to dig in. Gagging at the sandwich, she gulps her apple juice as she cries out, "That shit blows!"
Rizza looks at Lady with confused eyes, unsure how to take in this seemingly new (N/N) who's gotten more expressive and...crazy.
"But this melon bread tastes so good, though. Did they buy this from outside?" She gobbles up the meal like she hasn't eaten in days, and Rizza blinks her eyes as she trails off.
"Yeah…hey, are you sure you're okay? Is everything at home getting better?" She asks worriedly and Lady nods.
"Are you um...having a hangover right now? I don't see your thermal bottle anywhere…"
"My what?" The girl asks through a mouthful, and Rizza finally slams her hands on the table, upset. She looks at her friend with confused and wide eyes, like a deer caught in headlights, "I'm eating!"
But Rizza just pushes the tray away, now angry, "Okay, what the hell has gotten into you?! You're all weird! Just yesterday you were drinking yourself to death and now you'reㅡ!" Rizza sighs heavily, noting the looks they're getting from others. But it seems that they're all used to it now as she continues, "It's like you're an entirely different person. You're acting as if...you've been held captive for days and you're just now finding out how wonderful life is or some shit."
(Y/N) looks at her with wide eyes, surprised and confused beyond belief. This dream is...it's gotten intense. There's anger boiling within her, but why? She wasn't even upset at what Rizza had said because she didn't know exactly what she was talking about. Drinking herself to death? She drinks? Since when?
She should be awake by now. This dream has gotten too heavy. She usually wakes up when everything starts to get complicated. But why isn't she waking up?
Shaking the thought away, she swallows her food and takes a swig of her juice. She notes the eyes of them, and realizes the people she managed to come across are sitting in one table and looking at her with unreadable eyes. She ignores them, turning her eyes back at Rizza who's now seated, a hand on her forehead and face in a grimace.
"Hey, look, uh...I'm not really good with apologies, but I wanna say I'm sorry. It's just that…" What? I'm in a dream and I'm acting the way I usually do? Sorry if you feel like I'm not me because I'm certainly not the (N/N) you guys were going on about. I don't even drink. "I had a dream, I guess...completely changed my outlook. Whatever bitch I was before, I want to change that. I want to be better and make things right. I don't know. It's probably dumb." It certainly is.
Rizza's eyes softens, and she and Lady shares a look before sighing, "Sorry for snapping on you like that. Just...really surprised about all this. You're certainly different. I don't know what that dream was about, but if you're this adamant on changing, then I guess we have no say in that. It's just weird."
"I understand. Hey, can you guys tell me what I was like before?"
Rizza and Lady give her confused looks, and she stutters, before correcting herself, "I mean, how would you guys describe me from before?"
Lady hums in thought, before speaking, "Well, you certainly were passive aggressive. Sort of really cruel too," (Y/N) winces, "You just...I don't know, you were really detached from what you were years before. I guess the family home situation and everything else took a toll on you. But you are still very kind to us, and I like that about you because you look out for us." She smiles at the end, and the (h/c) haired girl smiles back.
Wow, so she was a bitch. Though, she doesn't sound that bad. And what family problem?
"Yeah. You have a bad habit of drinking your problems away, but I mean, we all have our demons. Despite being cruel, you're an amazing friend. You're always there for us...but I think, the regret and guilt is eating you alive now...is that why you wanted to change, (N/N)? Because you…" Rizza sighs, unable to finish her words and (Y/N) tilts her head.
"I what, Rizza?"
They look at each other, Rizza having more of a sad look than anything, "You don't wanna be friends anymore? You want to go back to your old group, isn't that it? It's been years...but I can tell it's been eating you up since last year."
"My...old group?"
(Y/N) feels dazed. Her vision blurs for a moment, and it feels like everything is suddenly crashing on her. An overwhelming sense of dread, guilt, regret and anger are boiling inside her, and she could only hold a hand on her chest as tears start to fall out of her lids.
Her friends start to fuss over her, purposely blocking her view from the prying eyes who are watching with confused and surprised gazes.
But she couldn't care less. She can't even feel anything aside from extreme emotional pain. Her heart is aching, and she holds out her shaking hand as her tears continue to fall, despite the fact that her eyes are blank.
What's going on?
Why am I not waking up yet?
"ㅡ(N/N)? (N/N)! Hey, it's okay. It'll be fine."
Rizza's voice is starting to get clearer and so is Lady's hushed but frantic exclamations. Her eyes snap up to her two close friends, expression blank and eyebrows slowly furrowing together. She's crying. There's so much tears.
She places stray fingers on her cheeks, and she looks at her tear stained hands. Oh. That's a lot…
Blinking continuously, the hurt inside her starts to numb into nothing, and she clears her throat as she sniffles once. Gently dabbing at her cheeks, she looks at her two friends crowding her, obviously hiding her mess of a self.
"What happened?" She asks stupidly, and Lady releases a sigh of relief while Rizza lightly taps her in the head.
"You idiot!"
"Ow! What'd you hit me for?!"
The trio finally settles, and (Y/N) couldn't help but chuckle. She seems slightly lighter. Maybe her old self hasn't cried in a while. She looks at the people watching, holding no expression on her face as they look away. Finally, her eyes land on the table consisting of seven people. Her eyes settle on a boy with a slightly horse looking face, and she snorts to which the male obviously looks confused at.
Horse face.
As Rizza and Lady continue to speak, her eyes wander as she mutes them out, landing on the new presence emerging from the cafeteria doors.
A tall boy with dark brown hair tied into a messy bun enters, wearing the uniform minus the blazer. His tie is loose, and he looks slightly detached and tired as he walks to the seven people she just stared at not too long ago.
For some reason, a sense of regret and longing fills her, along with a familiar name that echoes along the crevices of her mind and heart.
Eren.
She frowns, watching as he sits beside the soft blonde boy, speaking in a hushed tone while goth girl looks at him with clear worry in her eyes. It's the first emotion she's seen from her. Horseface starts to say something to him, and annoyance is clear on their faces before soft blonde boy holds a hand out to stop them.
He says something, and suddenly, eight pairs of eyes settle on her. She jolts in surprise, and Rizza and Lady shuts their mouths to look where she's looking.
They look horrified as Rizza grabs the girl's arm, but (Y/N) could only stare into the teal eyes of Eren, unable to feel anything else but the same emotions all over again. He's looking at her intensely, expression unreadable as his friend also tugs at his sleeves.
(Y/N) is finally able to look away when Rizza holds out her phone, showing something to the girl who looks at it with blinking eyes, "Huh?"
"Oh honey, you might've as well have stripped him then and there." Rizza sighs exhaustedly, and the girl frowns as Lady fidgets in her seat.
"You shouldn't be staring too long at them like that...you know how they are with you…" she says softly, and the girl only frowns deeper as she tries to look back at them, but Rizza shows nothing on her phone again and she has to look back at the blonde girl with annoyance.
"What do you guys mean?"
"Did you also lose your memories staring into Yeager or what?" Rizza asks, annoyed.
"What?" She could only utter incoherent words, and Lady slaps a hand on her forehead.
"You know what we mean! Ex childhood friends? Big fight? You telling them you don't wanna hang out with good for nothing's?! Come on, (N/N), you were so upset with them before, and I'm pretty sure they still are with you." Lady says worriedly, and (Y/N) looks at them with clear surprise.
"What did you say?!"
"Shh!"