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Jared holds his finger down on the doorbell. “Come on Evan, I know you’re in there.”
Silence.
Banging his hand on the door, he shouts out again. “Dude, I saw you close the curtains when I pulled up. We need to talk.”
Still nothing.
“Ev, I…” he sighs. “Look, I know you’re mad at me, alright? I'm kinda mad at you too. Can we please put that aside for like 2 minutes?”
Jared’s not sure what he’ll do if Evan won’t talk to him. The whole Conner Project is about to blow up in everyone’s face and it’ll hit Evan worst of all. And Evan won’t have anyone to talk to or lean on. The Murphy’s aren’t going to want to talk to him. Alana’s mad at him. Any new friends he's made in the past few months are about to abruptly disappear. Maybe he’ll be able to talk to Heidi but Jared has a sneaking suspicion that Evan’s been lying to his mom this whole time as well. And he can see from experience that Evan doesn't like coming clean about his lies. So that just leaves Jared. And yeah, he is pissed off. Evan’s been acting like an ass. But he’s Jared’s ass.
Wow. Jared has never been more grateful to have not said something out loud.
The door opens up a few inches, just wide enough for Evan to look outside. “What do you want Jared?” He sounds annoyed.
“Can I come in?”
Evan stares at him blankly for a moment. “Uh, no.”
Fair enough, Jared thinks. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out the paper he printed off earlier. He unfolds it and the sound of paper rustling fills the awkward silence. Holding it out, he looks Evan straight in the eye. “Did you write this?’
Barely taking the time to look at the sheet, Evan replies, “No Jared, I didn’t. Conner did, remember?”
He had forgotten how sarcastic Evan could be. “No, I mean, this is the real one, right? The one Conner stole? This is your therapy letter.”
This gets a reaction out of him. His hands fidget with the bottom of his hoodie and his shoulders start inching up towards his ears the way they do when he’s nervous. “I…, Jared I have stuff I have to do, ok? I don’t.. This isn’t… um. Bye I guess.” There’s a slight waver in his voice and Evan moves to shut the door.
“No.” Jared pushes his hand against the door, preventing it from closing. He’s not particularly strong but if he puts enough of his weight on it, he can probably keep it open. For now, at least. “Evan, we need to talk about this.”
“About what?” His voice is higher than usual. “Go on, let’s talk. I’m all ears.”
Under the spotlight, Jared’s not exactly sure where to go from here. He hadn’t planned any of this out. Once he had seen the ‘email’ and figured out what it was he had rushed over here without a second thought. In hindsight, that may have been a little rash. “Are you… ok?”
It’s a stupid question, they both know it. The fact only gets confirmed when Evan laughs at him. “Really, now you care?”
I’ve always cared, Jared thinks. I just…
Just what? Had a father who loved toxic masculinity probably a bit more than he loved Jared? Taught him to push down every feeling he ever had?
Or maybe it was just his need to be seen as popular and cool. The obsession with how he was perceived that made him push Evan out of his life.
Nah, it was probably the fact that Jared was simply and deeply insecure. Filled with the fear that if he acted like himself the world would hate him. That the only real friend he ever had would hate him and leave.
Maybe Jared just has to admit that he’s a little messed up.
“I’m sorry,” he says in response to Evan’s question. “I’ve been a jerk.” Cause that’s what it comes down to isn’t it? Doesn’t matter why he stopped pretending to care about Evan or why he pushed him away. What matters is that he has been a terrible friend. “But just because I’m a jerk doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m worried about you Evan.”
They stare at each other, Jared pleading with his eyes for a chance to make everything right. For a little bit of forgiveness. Just enough to get his foot in the door (literally and metaphorically). Evan stares back but his gaze is hardened. In all the years they know each other, Jared doesn’t think he’s seen Evan this angry. And it’s all his fault.
“Well, uh, stay worried then.” He rolls his shoulders back with a smidge of confidence. “Because you can’t act like you have and, and, and just expect to be best friends. You have to earn these types of conversations Jared. And you haven’t. You won’t.”
“Ev, I-”
“Take, t-take your hand off the door. Please.”
Jared considers taking a stand. Telling him that he won’t just stand by if his friend is in trouble. Demanding that Evan let him in. But every fantasy situation he conjures up rings false. Evan’s right, that’s just not him. Not anymore. He’s gotta build up to that. Slowly, he removes his hand from the door and lets it drop to his side, defeated.
There’s a second where Evan’s mouth hangs open, just a bit, like he’s going to say something else. That second is filled with some small hope. Maybe Evan realized that Jared is serious and wants to try being a good friend again. It’s also filled with fear. The fear that Evan expected him to do more, to say more and Jared giving up was only disappointing him.
No way to tell which because the sentence never comes. Instead a door is shut in his face.
But Jared can’t bring himself to leave. The guilt of how he’s been acting for the past few years is weighing him down and he all but collapses on the Hansen doorstep. He draws his knees up and wraps his arms around them. What can he even do now? For the past few years he’s been a selfish jerk. But some small part of Jared, maybe the only good part left, is keeping him here.
He’s not sure how much time passes. Not once does Jared pull out his phone to check. Instead he stares off into the distance watching the trees sway slightly in the wind. He’s so in his head that he almost doesn’t notice Heidi Hansen’s car pulling into the driveway. Only when the car door slams shut does he look up to see her walking towards him.
“Hey Jared!” She says with a smile. She’s wearing lavender scrubs and her hair is tied up in a bun. There are a few strands of hair that are loose and falling out of place and she has dark bags under her eyes. Despite the chipperness in her voice Jared can tell she’s absolutely exhausted. “Are you waiting for Evan to come home? He should be here by now unless he went somewhere without telling me.”
There’s a slight edge to her tone when she says that last bit. Evan has been going to places without telling her and it was all because of Jared’s influence. His chest feels tight. “Uh, no Mrs. Hansen, I was just… well I was..”
He draws a blank. He doesn’t exactly want to lie (he’s been doing too much of that lately) but he’s not sure if he can tell the truth either. If Evan has been lying to his mom, Jared doesn’t want to get in the middle of that.
Heidi studies him for a moment before sitting down next to him. “Is everything alright?” Her eyebrows soften as she looks down at him and she wraps an arm comfortingly around his shoulders.
Jared is very aware of the fact that Heidi isn’t talking to him. Not really. She’s talking to a younger version of him. When she’s rubbing soft circles on his back with her thumb, it’s for the 12 year old who used to be best friends with her son. If she had any idea how he has been treating Evan, she wouldn’t even want to look at him. He shrugs her arm off and ignores her question. After all, he didn’t come here to be consoled. “Have you been on the Connor Project website recently?”
Shaking her head, with some confusion she says, “Um no, I haven’t. I last looked at it a day ago, maybe two. Why?”
There’s a moment where he regrets saying anything. Heidi has so much on her plate already and he doesn’t want to add anymore stress into her life. But it’s too late to go back now. “This was posted today. I feel like you should read it.” He hands her the letter and watches her read.
With every line, her eyebrows furrow closer together with worry. When Jared figures she’s gotten about halfway, one of her hands finds its way up to her mouth, almost like she wants to chew her nails but has trained herself out of the habit previously. For a split second, she reminds him of Evan. Maybe that's why she worries so much about him. He reminds her of herself.
Slowly, she folds the email up. Her hand shakes and the paper moves with it. “Do you recognize it?” Jared asks.
She nods, not taking her eye off the paper. Then suddenly, like she remembered Jared was sitting there, clears her throat and replies, “Yes, I do. Thank you for showing this to me.”
“You should talk to him. Don’t tell him I said that. In fact, don’t tell him I showed you this. But make sure he’s alright and all that, ok?”
She gives him a small smile. “Yeah, I will Jared.”
Acting on impulse, Jared gives her a quick side hug because she looks like she really needs one. The movement feels a little foreign and Jared tries to think of the last time he hugged somebody. Then, he tries not to let it get to him when the memory is hard to find. He stands up quickly and attempts to defuse the situation with a little wave.
Heidi stands as well and sticks the letter in her pocket. “Are you sure you don’t want to come in?”
He’s already backing up to get into his car. “No thanks. We can just forget this whole thing happened. Like I was never even here.”
Jared isn’t sure if she responds because he’s already getting into his car. As he pulls out of the driveway, seeing the house shrink and fade in his rearview mirror, he thinks about how that’s likely the last time he’ll ever talk to either of the Hansens again.