Archive of Our Own ^beta

"So my granddaughter came back from training one day and asked me whether I knew about the incident down at the port. I told her no but maybe Vi would know because she's the oldest sailor there. I've known her father who was a cousin once removed from my late wife's brother…"
He had no idea when the old man had started talking or where the story was going. Even after two months he wasn't used to his strange habit of spinning tales without rhyme or reason. Not that they weren't entertaining, quite the contrary. They were just all over the place, leaving him with more questions than answers.
Yet, he was grateful since it spared him the burden of making some form of conversation himself - a skill he was still trying to work on.
Making a mental note to ask not to be sent on such tedious escort missions anymore he looked over to see how his partner was doing.
To his surprise he found her seemingly enchanted by the old man's tale, her expression one of wonder. The sight of such emotion on display made him swallow hard and avert his gaze, acting as if he needed to consult his map.
When they started all the way back in the land of fire the weather had still been warm, late summer in full swing. The moment they had passed the mountains, however, winter began to arrive. The wind got colder, the trees barer. Missions like these always reminded him about the size of the nations - even more now, with the borders pretty much open after the war.
They were just a short distance from the harbour now, the ship getting them to the island of Shimogakure, the village hidden beneath the frost. He had planned for them to run into difficulties and lose up to two days, while still making it to the crossing on time. To have some much extra time was easing some of the tension that had been forming in his chest over the past weeks.

"And that is the reason the ship only passes over every other week?" Her voice forced him back into the present, making him curse for zoning out, maybe missing crucial information. He had to ask her later.

"There is a reason Shimogakure has only recently started to pick up the diplomatic relationships again after the war. Without our strict policy we would've been wiped from the surface a long time ago. We don't really have a standing army. There was a young fella once who-"

And just like that the old man was back at taking about every stone and pebble. If he weren't the village's leader and needed to get back home after a series of diplomatic meetings, he doubted that he would've endured the mission for another moment.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

They made camp around midday after the old man had complained for a while that he needed some rest. The moment he had leaned against a tree he begun to snore. Even in his sleep he was seemingly not able to stay quiet.

"Everything alright, Captain?" Without making a sound she was next to him to assist him with setting up the fireplace.

"Thank you for your concern, [Y/N] I am fine… and it's Yamato. Please."

She just hummed and placed another log into the small pit, her fingers briefly touching his, sending pleasant shivers up his arm, gone too soon.
What was wrong with him? Since when did these things even matter to him? Why did he wish for her to not refer to him with his title but his name? Why was her company the reason he felt calm yet strained at the same time?
They worked in silence for a while, the soundtrack of the forest washing over them. From time to time he shot her a glance, her expression soft, her eyes following her hands as they went and began to prepare something to eat.
While he mostly felt pressured to make  conversation when he was among others, the silence between them didn't bother him at all. If anything, it felt nice to work with someone who was calm in nature for a change. [Y/N] would mostly keep to herself if she wasn't needed and her knowledge of the way to the island - every shortcut through the rougher parts of the forest giving way to some form of canyon just to revert to a lush green scenery - was precious to say the least.
Yet, over the past weeks it irked him to know more about her. A strange sentiment he wasn't sure how to respond to. Even stranger yet, he was looking for her when they were travelling, checking that she was still safe when the sun went down. And while she seemed to be content in his present, it always appeared that she was hiding a part of herself. Again something he couldn't explain.

"Would you be so kind to get us some water, Cap-... Yamato," why did his name sound so nice when she said it?

He looked at the small pot she was handing him which quickly filled with water after he performed the necessary signs.

[Y/N] blinked, "I forgot you can do that…"

"It's nothing…" scratching his cheek he quickly went to look for matches in his backpack, trying to not show how flattered he was by her astonishment.

"It is convenient and quite rare. I would say it is something at least," a tiny smile played on her lips, indicating that she was joking.

His heart gave a loud thud.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

When he had first been assigned another jonin to join him on escorting the leader of another village after the negotiations were done, he had pictured it to be a long and extremely tedious mission, straining him more than the rebuilding of Konohagakure. Instead he was met with [Y/N] who had been transferred from a different ANBU branch to accompany him. With virtually no intel on her and her skills they were sent off.
They would be gone for roughly half a year and return just in time for summer solstice, the exact time the village had been fully repaired, calling for celebration. That was the plan at least.
They made good progress the first weeks, running into zero difficulties. He began to think that he was lucky for once and the mission would run its natural course. And with someone like [Y/N] it was a breeze. Especially since she was playing the part of entertaining the old man and listening to his ramblings. The hours spent in silence each night were all the recharge he needed. After a while he had begun to think about how short the time was they were to spend together. Even to him this thought seemed alien.
Finally, the harbour was just down the mountain, they could even see the water glistening in the afternoon sun. Another day, maybe two if the old man would complain again, but the goal was in sight.

He then made his first mistake.

Instead of watching his steps he briefly peaked at [Y/N] who looked dreamily into the distance. That was all it took for him to momentarily lose focus and ultimately his balance, sending him flying down a rough patch, straining his ankle.
He had been part of ROOT and ANBU, fought in the war and was the last shinobi to be able to use the mokuton. Falling down an enormous rock was nothing short of embarrassing.

"Are you alright, Captain?" She was next to him in an instant, examining his leg,  brows furrowed.

"Yamato…" he groaned, his ears burning red.

She did not react. Instead she mumbled something under her breath and held onto his ankle with both hands, making the pain flash through his entire body despite her tender touch. The sensation was soon followed by warmth, wrapping around his foot before it began to move upwards.
He knew that [Y/N] had not been part of the medical division, she said as much shortly after they left the forest surrounding Konohagakure, when the old man cut himself when trying to open a can.

"Thankfully, the cut isn‘t deep. I can heal it but please proceed with more caution for our future travels," while her face remained open and kind, there was a strained undertone, dark and not fitting her normal behaviour at all.

Even the old man seemed to catch on, his eyes growing big. He never hurt himself afterwards, sometimes going great lengths to avoid even the slightest possibility of danger.
When asked about her role in her squad later that night, loud snoring filling the area, she shot him a glance he felt to his core. He was equally terrified and intrigued, the latter taking him by surprise. Her every being called for his submission that moment with nothing but a slight lift of her chin.
The moment was over in a flash and when [Y/N] looked away he felt like he could breathe again while feeling somewhat cold all over. He almost didn‘t hear her over his hammering heart.

"I am sorry… I didn‘t mean to… Please, just don‘t ask me about this again."

When he caught her gaze, two dark pools of regret and pain, so much like his own, he knew. Trying not to startle her, he put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to him. He had acted upon instinct, fear briefly gripping his heart before she lay her head on his chest and they stayed silent until the sun rose.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

Now the old man towered over them, somewhat annoyed by the sudden delay. He seemed equally taken aback by a member of ANBU to just fall down a slope, that much was clear from the smirk on his face. [Y/N] was too busy focusing her chakra to heal his foot, biting her lower lip from the effort. She briefly looked up to see how her partner was doing only to find him looking into the distance. Following his gaze her body turned rigid. A strange presence was drawing near - and fast.
Without so much as a broken twig three masked people attacked them, their speed even greater than their auras had indicated.
Thankfully he was quick enough to perform a jutsu to produce a wooden shield in order to evade the kunai thrown at their little group. With his ankle still painfully twisted, he didn't see how they would get out of there. A fight was out of the question, the old man’s safety was their priority. From the clothing the attackers wore it seemed they were coming from a rivaling village, maybe in an attempt to start another conflict.

"Take the leader and make for the port. I will keep them occupied for as long as I can," he somehow managed to stand up, grinding his teeth in a feeble attempt to ignore the pain.

There was no time to check whether [Y/N] had heard him - the attackers charged again and he needed to evade a direct hit, almost sending him further down the mountain. He somehow managed to summon two clones to divide the attention, giving him enough time to breathe deeply and try to run for cover.
Or so he thought.
He had seemingly underestimated how much his ankle would slow him down. Within seconds one of the three attacking shinobi was coming for him, blade drawn. He started to form a few signs when another one was coming from the right. The third one was nowhere to be seen which may have been the worst detail.
He wouldn't be fast enough to flee or to outplay the three of them, that much was clear. His thoughts racing he was somewhat aware that this was not only embarrassing but downright degrading. A twisted ankle was seemingly all it took for him to run out of ideas when he most needed them.

That was when he noticed his second mistake.

Just a few feet before he would be either pierced by the sword or hit with a fist he suddenly found himself engulfed in flames, cutting him off from the attack. His enemies let out a shriek of pain upon touching the flames.
Not seeing anything beyond the golden wall - weird sounds making him guess they were trying to find out whether he was still alive or not - he found himself questioning where the wall of fire had suddenly come from.
He was then taken aback, when he noticed faint traces of chakra all around him. Where heat should make him retreat, potentially burning him, he only felt a strange presence akin to curiosity. Specs of red and orange danced into his direction without touching him. Like the wood he could create with his mokuton, these flames felt alive.
Behind the wall of fire he heard the attackers talk among themselves before they suddenly decided he had been killed by the blaze and quickly retreated.
As quickly as it had appeared, the flames died down, leaving nothing but burnt earth and a silence so loud he flinched.
Turning sharply he was met with the defiant gaze of his partner, her hands still locked in the final sign of her jutsu just a few steps away. The old man reappeared from the underbrush with an astonished expression, unable to look away from her.
Fire.
The element of passion and power - said to be the most emotionally attached. There were no indications in the report who was really working on that mission with him. Still, after two months on the road together he felt somewhat secure within their dynamic. Never would he have guessed that [Y/N] would hide such power behind her calm facade and he wasn't sure whether he liked that turn of events or not.
Then again, the signs were clearly there - he had just chosen to ignore them.

"You went against my order," ignoring the pain shooting up his leg he took a step forward and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"I took it as a suggestion… Yamato, " her tone seemed to mock him, the way she said his name clearly playing on him insisting she should call him by his name and not his title.

He disliked disobedience.
He disliked shinobi going against orders.
He disliked being challenged like that.
Normally.
But the longer they stared at each other, neither backing down, the clearer the picture became.
[Y/N] was the opposite of normal.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

With his ankle in even worse shape after the encounter they quickly realized that even the two additional days would not be enough to make it to the ship on time.
Two weeks.
He was now forced to do nothing for two weeks while [Y/N] seemed to outright ignore him. Not that she had been all over him these past weeks but something in her gaze had shifted and he had no idea what. Her silence made it impossible for him to talk to her, clear things up. Even their nightly discussions and tiny jokes stopped, leaving him with a strange hollow feeling in his chest.
Thankfully the old man didn't seem to notice any changes. Nor was he angry to have two more weeks before he would be back home. Strolling through the village the moment they arrived, he met up with friends and struck deals while the two shinobi from the land of fire kept their watch.
Looking down to see his swollen ankle made him realize that maybe a break was exactly what he needed.

Losing my cool was one thing.
Losing it for everyone to see, the reason clear as day something completely different.
I didn't mean to defy his order. But the alternative was nothing I wished to explore. It downright terrified me.
So I unleashed the fire without actively thinking about it.
Of course it backfired in more ways than one. If we were back home I could've disappeared. Let the demons come and feast on memories and dreams for no one to see.
But with so much of the mission ahead of us all I could do was to march on, humiliation gnawing on me. Locking away my innermost self, admitting defeat upon trying in the first place.
After all, the first rule of being an ANBU was clear: Never catch feelings for your comrades. And if you do, don't let them influence your actions, your missions, your values.
Don't show them.
Ever.

Somehow the time passed. His ankle healed thanks to the attention of some medical nins and a good amount of rest. He spent most of his time on a patio, reading and catching up on mission reports, trying his best to keep himself busy.
Meanwhile [Y/N] had been ushered to help around town which she seemed to enjoy. Given the staggering amount of times he caught her laughing or at least smile to herself she seemed to be at peace.
The opposite of him. Every time he saw her he felt something inside his belly churn, his heart would not remain still either. It was a strange notion, even more complicated by her defiance. Something about it didn't make sense and not just because it went against shinobi and ANBU Code.
Whenever he tried to talk to her, to find a calm moment to understand what had happened, she evaded him. There was a certain amount of sadness paired with the annoyance of his pushy behavior. He found himself awake at night, replaying every interaction between them, every shared joke and every rolling of her eyes. Every gasp when he did something as mundane as build a bridge.

"Nothing? That‘s nothing to you?" She would laugh and briefly touch his hand before they continued.

He had been trained to just serve. His entire life had been under the pretence of serving the village that saved him. He was a tool and nothing more. Yet, when they had been travelling, everything seemed easy, light even. For those few days and weeks he felt like his own person. The short outburst had swiped everything away, leaving a bitter taste.
After two weeks of pushing every sentiment down where it belonged, the small group boarded the ship to finally get to the island. The moment the ship left the harbour and the silence of the ocean enveloped them he felt like he could breathe again. It was only a bit longer now until the old man was back at his village safely and they could head back to Konohagakure, potentially spending the entire trip in silence. Within a reasonable amount of time he would be back where he had started and [Y/N] would become a stranger yet once more.
The small group spent the trip in a corner on deck, watching the strange creatures of the region pass by, the clouds overhead doing nothing against the bright sunlight. An icy breeze told about a winter approaching fast.
Roughly around halfway across - the island already visible in the distance - a strong wave crushed against the boat, causing everyone to topple over each other. Even with reflexes like his he wasn't able to prevent falling, the additional weight of another body knocking the air out of his lungs. A curse under her breath and suddenly [Y/N]'s face was right there, hovering over him, her hair hiding them as if behind a curtain. Her breath was warm against his cool skin, her eyes blazing - how had he missed that power inside of her?

Before the proximity and intensity rendered him completely still, he swallowed hard, "Are you alright, [Y/N]?"

She blinked once, the siren's song receding into the depths of her soul, "Yes. Are you?"

He opened his mouth to answer only to find that he, in fact, did not know.
Not anymore.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

The ship was greeted with cheers and jubilations just as the sun was beginning to set late afternoon. And while he had thought they would return immediately, the old man and his staff had other plans, revealing intel they had not previously heard of.

"What diplomatic relationship begins without a grand feast? Come! You are my honorary guests after all!" The moment he stepped off the boat he was transformed, the clumsy rambling facade broken, revealing a confident leader to the people of the village of ice. "After all, the ship won't leave until morning anyway. The ocean is a strange mistress at night."

They followed somewhat reluctantly, shooting each other a glance of mutual understanding.
Just tonight.
They would stay just for one night.
Only dawn never came.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

After hours of eating too much delicious food - the seafood fresh from the ocean was a real treat - and maybe one or two glasses of wine both of them passed out in their room. Their host had been generous in offering them a room for free at the local inn with two separate beds.
Not that a single bed would have made a difference.
They were too beat from the last months on the road to even say good night. He was out the moment his head hit the pillow, falling into blissful oblivion.
When he woke up the next morning he was somewhat confused about the brightness in the room, despite the curtains. Checking his watch revealed that he was up right on time. Getting up at once he threw the curtains open, ignoring [Y/N]‘s faint protest. The sight let his heart sink.
His sharp inhale made his partner still instantly, calling him. There was no answer, making [Y/N] get up at once and join him by the small window. Her eyes searched the village, only to land at the small stripe of the ocean between two buildings.

"I thought we had more time…" he furrowed his brow, cursing himself for overlooking something so vital.

[Y/N] shifted and turned to look at him while he refused to tear his gaze away from their impending doom, "It’s too early. Something must’ve caused the elements to accelerate their paths. It’s not your fault, Captain."

Clenching and unclenching his fists he tried to find a solution, too agitated to call her out on reverting to using his title. Or pointing out that she was indeed talking to him.

"We should talk to the old man. Maybe he can show us options we are not thinking about," her voice was calm, soothing, devoid of the edge she had shown him just days ago.

Without waiting for his answer she took his hand and made for the door, ignoring his startled look.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

Nothing.
There was nothing anyone could do.
Not even the leader of the village would be able to thaw the ocean enough for the ship to leave port.
They were stranded and no one knew why the annual freeze - lovingly dubbed winter rest - came weeks earlier.

"Normally we don’t see her after solstice…If I had known I wouldn’t have asked for you to make the crossing with me," the old man seemed generally ashamed to have two shinobi from the land of fire trapped on his island without being a lie to offer an explanation. "I can only assure you that this is not something I had planned…"

Planned or not, they needed to find a way to make this work for the next two to three months - that was if the freeze would stay as long as it normally did. If everything went against them they could be stuck for twice as long.
No one knew at that point.
Plans were made, a message sent via dove to let the hokage know things were alright, just not going according to plan.
They would settle at a makeshift home he would build just outside town to not disturb everyday life. This went against the offer of the old man who said he'd gladly pay for them to stay at the inn until they would leave. The offer was kind, but the thought of sharing a single room with [Y/N] for months to come made him somewhat uneasy. Stealing a glance at her beautiful face every now and then while they were discussing specifics made his throat run dry and something in his chest was starting to deceive him. Every bit of privacy would help, or so he told himself.
They settled on a small clearing close to running water - an indication of a hot spring somewhere close by - well hidden within the woods. The trees were coated with snow and ice, the frozen grass crunching below their feet. It was a magical scenery, especially with the ocean visible between the pines.

"It sure is beautiful out here…" her voice was soft, her breath creating little clouds.

She did not face him when he went ahead and built the house they'd be living in for the upcoming future. She did not comment on the way it fit the other buildings in the village or how he had tried to make the rooms as comfortable as possible.
He was sure she noticed every detail, every reference and every little fault. Her silence made his nerves tight, his belly clench uncomfortably. Her small yelps of joy from past moments he had used the mokuton echoed in his mind, filling every corner of his thoughts.
While he had embraced the quiet between them, he somehow couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss, a crack between them, opening further.
He didn't like it.
And he did not know why he cared.
He refused to open the doors to the possibility of anything other than normal decent behaviour between partners on a mission.
Examining the rooms he had created they wandered the house, finishing in silence, unsure what to do.
She just stood there, in the big main room, looking lost.

"I feel like it's my fault we're stuck here…" guilt rose like bile and he shifted his weight.

[Y/N] watched him, her eyes trained on his face, tracking every move, "No. Even with the two weeks’ delay no one could've guessed the ship wouldn't be able to leave. You didn't do anything wrong, Captain."

"It's Yamato… Why do you refuse to use my name?"

She did not answer right away, something dark moving across her face, setting her eyes on flame for a moment before she closed them briefly. When she opened them again, they looked hollow, almost making him take a step back.

"Familiarity is not what I am looking for."

"What do you mean?"

Clicking her tongue [Y/N] turned and began to walk towards the room she had claimed as hers.

When she was almost out the door she briefly paused, "It's better if we stay away from each other. I do not wish to burn you."

With that, she shut the door behind her, leaving him stranded.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

The first week passed in a blur and then the second.
Somehow the villagers managed to have them help around town which was dearly needed with the early snow and frost. He was happy to be of use and actually repay the hospitality for the food and even warmer clothes they provided the two shinobi with.
One morning well into their third week - the entire time spent mostly apart and in silence, two things he focussed way too much on when he fell into bed every night - they woke up to a blizzard, imprisoning them in their house.
The noise from the storm was eerie, the windows shook and the wood creaked. Even to him it was somewhat frightening, despite knowing his creation would hold firm. When he spotted [Y/N], her face white as a ghost he ignored the radio silence between them, the strange atmosphere and cryptic messages and walked over to where she was standing at the window, careful not to startle her further. When she did not look at him he paused, softly saying her name. Finally their eyes met, revealing her absolute terror.

"Do you need anything?"

A mocking tug on her lips, "Apart from someone stopping the storm? No."

That was the end of their conversation. Nothing to be added. Nothing to share. But something in the way [Y/N] hugged herself tighter with every passing gush of storm made it impossible for him to simply walk away.

"Talk to me…" his voice was a mere whisper, drowned by the wind. Still, she heard him.

"About what? Mushrooms?"

"If you'd like."

"Actually, I don't."

It was frustrating to say the least.

"Maybe start by telling me what I've done wrong so you stopped talking in the first place. What happened?" He was nearly begging, nothing he liked to do but the strange atmosphere had taken a toll on him.

"Nothing happened ."

Ice. Despite the fire in her eyes she was emitting nothing but harsh coldness, pushing him away. He could see it, though, like a mirrored image from ages ago. Fear and panic, too proud to acknowledge the outstretched hand.

"Then I am sorry I do not understand," he was wired, not able to grasp what was going on anymore. Why did he feel his throat tightening and his body ready to pounce? What was this sensation between running and fighting, his body and mind opposing forces?

"It's better that way. Believe me. Now, don't you have anything better to do?" A dismissive gesture with her hand made him groan and he turned to walk away when he stopped.

"Actually… no."

"So you will continue to bother me?"

"You crack jokes and a second later you push me away for no reason. Is that it? Is that how we will do this from now on?"

He saw her flinch at the harsh undertone in his voice. Dropping her hands she looked as if the last ounce of strength had left her.

"Why do you care?" Even her voice was suddenly devoid of any will to fight, "I mean it. It's better to keep a distance between us, Captain…"

"Better you or better for me?"

[Y/N] did not answer. Instead, she turned ever so slowly and began to walk towards her room, a shadow following her.

Doorknob in hand she briefly stilled, glancing at him over her shoulder, "You."

The sound of the door closing echoed through the room, suddenly vacant.

I didn't mean to blow it up out of proportion. I planned to keep it inside, let it rot and die. However painful it may be.
I wanted to keep my distance, too afraid to lose myself in what if's. Too scared to leash out and break the light he wore unknowingly.
But Yamato had other plans.
He knew.
Somehow he knew.
I could see it in his eyes.
Feel how he tried to reach me despite everything.
But I would not give in.
I would not let him drown with me, not tarnish him with hands so bloody they will never be clean again.
I would not let the fire take the last person I cared about.

She did not leave her room for the rest of the day. No matter how loud the wind howled she did not emerge. Not even when lunchtime came and went.
He went ahead and placed a tray with some stew and a piece of bread in front of her door, letting her know by knocking.
No answer.
With a sigh he went back to his own room to sort through some papers he had been asked to divide for the villagers. Why he had let himself be burdened with such tedious work was beyond him but he needed to distract himself, if only for a bit.
He was used to being away from the village, in the company of strangers.
He was used to being ignored and left out - even by those he cared for.
Then why did these things suddenly hurt in a way he never felt before?
His hands moved mechanically, too automated for his mind to catch a break.
The solitude [Y/N] had cast upon herself was even more painful then his own heart in shambles.
Too much like his own.
It only got worse when he exited his room a few hours later, the tray of food still untouched.
The blizzard had picked up the last hour or so, the howling loud and frightening. Even for him it sounded like a devilish creature haunting them.
He knocked on her door and waited but there was nothing indicating any form of life behind the door. That was until he heard a loud crash and a low wail causing him to try to open the door by force.
It was locked.
Without so much as a wave of his hand he willed the wooden door to swing open, revealing a room covered in snow, strong wind washing over the furniture. The ice hurt his skin, the booming sound of the storm drowning out any other noises.
It was pandemonium.
A few signs and the former window was shut with wooden planks. The room, suddenly dark looked like a battlefield and it didn't take long for him to see the branch lying in a corner which had caused the entire commotion.
A muffled sob jolted him into action and he was over by the bed at once, lifting the shivering blanket. He was met by two round eyes and a tear-stricken face.
[Y/N] looked like she had seen hell, her beautiful features dimmed by the panic. The scare was still clear on her face when he ignored every logic and wrapped his arms around her.
He knew what it felt like to be left in the dark, to have no one to rely on.

"I'm here. You're not alone anymore," for a moment he thought she would take his hand but then she pushed him away, her hands resting on his chest, head hanging.

"I am fine. The sudden crash just startled me," he voice was raw, betraying her words. "Thank you for checking in."

He could not believe what he heard. Then again, wouldn't he be the same? Wasn’t this how the kids were raised in ANBU divisions? Never cry, don’t be a bother. Be no one.
Still, he refused to just leave her like that and instead decided to try another route.

"You haven't touched your meal."

"I am not hungry," as if on cue her belly growled causing her hands to clench the fabric of his shirt. "I am fine."

He looked at her, still not meeting his gaze, "Then why do you hold onto me like you're not?"

No answer, just her hands trembling the slightest bit. He could feel it. Her struggle. The humiliation, the fear.
When you grow up in ANBU you learn to stop being human.

"It's no weakness to be afraid. Or ask for help..." he of all people learned that the hard way, losing so much on the way.

He did not wish for her to go down the same road. Not if he could do anything to prevent it.
Realization began to work through him, her next works shattering what little resolve to stay away he had.

"Doesn't apply if you're nothing but a tool…" her voice broke and she finally looked up to meet his gaze, her beautiful eyes so sad, begging him to catch her, to ignore the words she was trained to say.

"You're not a tool, [Y/N]... Not anymore. Not to me," there was a brief pause, something washing over her face before her brows knitted.

"You shouldn't even care."

"But I do. You can't make me not to."

[Y/N] finally dropped her hands, letting them rest on her lap, opening and closing one and then the other while her eyes traced the calculated movement.

"Don't. Ignore me for the rest of the mission. Forget me when we're back. I don't want to-" She caught herself, biting her lower lip and still she had said enough for him to understand. Because he once thought the same.

Tenderly he cupped her cheek, her startled look making him chuckle a little, "I can fend for myself. I think. I am a big boy."

[Y/N] melted into his touch ever so slightly, her eyes hooded, "You shouldn't play with fire, Yamato ."

Again that tone of defiance. This time, however, he felt it travel straight to his heart, a loud thump the answer.

His breath hitched when [Y/N] leaned forward, touching her forehead to his, a mischievous grin on her lips, "In fact, if you're not careful, it may consume you."

What may have been meant as a threat sent nothing but pleasant shivers down his spine, "Maybe that's what I want?"

This was a dangerous game - a game he knew he would lose at the first sign of her tempting him. Even without any first hand experience he knew what had been simmering in his chest and belly.
He didn't even get a chance to add something, do anything, before [Y/N] blinked rapidly and broke contact, shuffling back to sit on her heels, looking past him.

"Be careful what you wish for…" withdrawn again he felt himself sigh loudly, too frustrated to conceal his annoyance any longer.

"You give me hot and cold and I don't even know why. All I want is an answer. I will leave you if you really want that. Just…"

She did not react at first, her eyes fixed on the window now shut with wooden planks. When she next spoke her voice seemed to come from far away, distorted and not quite her own.

"I killed them… I didn't even question it. I couldn't. It was them or me…"

The Brigade.
She had been part of one of the most feared units within ANBU, said to take no prisoners. While a regular recruit could still move freely from time to time, Brigade members were bound to their masters to do as they wished.
They mostly dealt with jobs involving homicide not secret enough for ROOT but not mundane enough for ANBU. As part of their initiating process they had to learn to work as a team, much like the youngsters did. The only difference was that by the time they did come to be close they had to kill each other, last man standing. They learned never to trust anyone or catch feelings for another human being, romantic or platonic.
It made sense then, what she said about keeping her distance.
It made… sense…
Realization hit him then and from the way she pressed her lips together she noticed too.

"The fire…"

"Don't say anything."

"You saved my life."

"You're my assigned partner. Of course I will protect you," kneading the fabric of the blanket she suddenly looked so very young. Young and innocent, the gruesome part a lifetime away.

"You went against a direct order " he waited for a reply, anything really.

But nothing happened. He watched her work the soft tissue between her fingers, her knuckles white. After a while he slowly took them in his and held them, her cold fingertips between his.

"Thank you."

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

Just as the blizzard died down overnight the storm between them had somewhat passed and they slowly seemed to find a way to interact with each other again.
Shy at first [Y/N] quickly warmed up - especially in teasing him which he not so secretly enjoyed. Over the course of the mission he had already guessed that she was a kind soul but with the unspoken things between them gone, he finally realised he found her impossible to ignore.
Her dry humour and no nonsense attitude paired with sudden flashes of shyness - as if she was just learning to be human again.
As the days passed he found himself more and more confronted with the single thing left between them.
Maybe it was just him.
Maybe she wasn't interested in him the same way. But when she briefly touched his arm or told him about something he had mentioned only in passing he couldn't help but shake the feeling of a connection.
Then again, what would he know?
By the end of the first month they were invited to the annual Yule ball which they could hardly refuse as honorary guests of the village. The old man somehow managed to get him a fitting suit, complete with button down shirt and a green tie. Somehow a gown made its way to their cabin and when [Y/N] emerged from her room he thought he would choke on air alone.
The dark red velvet rained down her body as if it was made for her, the color setting her eyes off even more. It was a sleek cut, not revealing too much yet very elegant.

"That bad?" She mistook his prolonged silence, causing him to answer something, stumbling over his words, making her smile. "So at least not a catastrophe. I can work with that."

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

It was a nightmare.
The ballroom was packed and [Y/N] had been whisked away the moment they had entered the room. She was dancing with one guy or another, a big grin on her face. Helping himself to a glass of champagne he waited for her to notice him again but when she walked in the opposite direction he felt a sharp pain in his chest. It only got worse when she passed him in the arms of a youngster who cracked a bad joke.
Maybe another glass would help.
It didn't.
His heart grew heavier with each passing minute, jealousy mixing with the guilt of not being able to be happy for her for being cherished like she should be.
The night dragged on and he felt his world tilt. By the time midnight rolled around he had realized what a fool he had been.
[Y/N] was still dancing with the youngster from before, her laughter filling the room. It was still his favourite sound but it was not meant for him.
Nothing ever was.
And yet he felt jealousy claw on him, digging its fangs into his heart deeper and deeper, not letting go even for a moment.
He didn't like it.
He didn't like seeing her with someone else.
And no matter how much he tried to tell himself it didn't matter, it came back stronger until his head was buzzing from the noise his heart made.

┈┈・୨ ✦ ୧・┈┈

They left shortly after, [Y/N]'s cheeks red from the excitement and his from one too many glasses to drink. He wasn't drunk, far from it, but he wasn't sober either. Given his heart's dire state this was a dangerous combination.

Trying to get away from her the moment the entrance door closed behind them, he said, "I am pretty beat and will head off to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

Turning to run into his room he heard her whisper behind him, "I thought you'd ask me at least once…"

"Why would I? There was no reason to."

He felt his suppressed feelings bubbling up, the alcohol lowering his self control above all else. "You seemed like you had your hands already full anyway. No need for me to force myself right where I shouldn't be."

[Y/N] let out a loud sigh, making him turn again. Her eyes bore the same defiance he had come to know and fear for their luring potential.

"Maybe that's exactly what I wanted. For you to barge in and save me."

He blinked, the things she didn't say clear as day, "You don't need to be saved."

Surprise briefly broke her composure before a shy smile appeared on her lips, "Maybe. But what if I wanted to be saved by you, Yamato?"

She was challenging him, her chin raised, something dark in her eyes.
The way she said his name and a smirk was telling him everything he needed to know.
Confirmed the suspicions he tried so hard to push away, bury under the pretense of duty and chastity.
Broke the last barrier of his carefully crafted resolve to not act on his emotional response, the alcohol doing the rest.
Months of restraint, weeks of enduring his own mind lead his thoughts to short circuiting and the mask of composure fell.

He sounded stricter than he had intended to, trying to cover up how hurt he was, "What if I actually cared? Would you even let me?" [Y/N] still held his gaze, her lips in a sharp line. She said nothing, provoking him to continue, "Why do you play me like a pawn? Is this nothing but a game to pass the time?"

"No…"

They stared at each other, the atmosphere in the cabin turning electric for more reason than one.
He believed her, understanding her inner struggle, the storm and the anguish. And still he wanted her to say it. To admit what he had been feeling too.

"You’re scared."

"I am not scared!" Fire burning her icy expression, making him smirk in return.

"Then why don’t you get what you want?"

Was it the alcohol?
Was it the ungodly hour?
Or was it simply his daring nature working its way to the front?
Frankly, he didn’t care about the why. He was tired from the questions running him dry, even if he could fall hard and break his neck.

"You don’t mean it."

"I assure you, I do."

Another moment went by and with so much as a few long strides she was in front of his, grabbing his jacket and pulling him down to meet her lips.
He had imagined this countless times when he lay awake in his bed, nothing distracting him from the reality he turned a blind eye to. Yet, nothing could compare to the feeling of her cool lips against his, her hands holding onto him for dear life and her body slowly melting into him.
It was a sloppy kiss, an unsure kiss and yet it bore the answer to every question if only he dared to ask.
Eventually they broke apart, [Y/N] looking at everything but him, her head finally resting against his chest.

"Maybe you’re right…" her voice was low, vibrating against his body. "Maybe I am scared. Just a bit."

His hands found her cheeks, tenderly guiding her to look up at him, "It’s alright to be scared. You’re human. We all are scared sometimes."

"I don’t like it…"

He chuckled, "Me neither. But I am here now. So you don’t have to be alone."

Wonder, astonishment and ultimately glee washed over her face before she leaned forwards and placed a small kiss on the tip of his nose, "Maybe I can try that. Maybe I like it. And maybe, it’s okay. If it’s you, Yamato."