Work Text:
Pairing: Sunoo x Enha
genre: angst, fluff
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Sunghoon and Jake are sitting on the couch, hands interlocked and staring at the tv currently showing a natural geographic program. Sunoo is sprawled over them, head snuggled against Sunghoon’s stomach. He feels the smooth, hard muscles caress his face, torso slapping his mind awake, self-hatred rising like an ugly demon he tried to bury the entire week.
He was doing well, he thought to himself. The last time he binged was 2 weeks ago, purge around the same time. He thought he was recovering, bread and bananas no longer causing him to fall on his knees, hands covering his head in a makeshift safety net. He hadn’t drunken a single monster drink or zero coke in the past 8 days, water became his best friend. He ate meals with the guilt unsettling in his abdomen, but never did anything about it. He tried so hard to follow the motto: If there weren’t any fat people, skinny people wouldn’t even exist, going as far as to feeling proud of his thick thighs, soft and squishy stomach. It wasn’t until he presses his broken-out face to Sunghoon’s toned muscles does he feel his stomach swoop and the entire room turns 10 degrees hotter and his fingers start growing clammy.
Tv and friends be damned, he gave himself a couple minutes of discomfort before he gets up and tells the pair he’ll be going to work on his lyrics. The couple barely pay him any attention, eyes trained on the television and wishing him luck half-heartedly. He hides his smile at their enthusiasm, or lack thereof and trudges to their shared bedroom.
He flops on his bed, face buried on his pillow as he lets out a deep, long exhale until he has no air and is forced to move his face to inhale. It’s the guilty pleasure he feels when he breathes after restricting himself of the fundamental necessity: air. He’s painfully aware of his stomach pressing against the mattress, thighs touching each other. He even forgot to remove his socks when he got on his bed. Real smart of you, Sunoo, really. Next time just wear your shoes on bed.
He feels his stomach churn, and he knows it can’t be because of the lack of food. It could only be his baseless fear of being fat. Obese. Overweight. Undeserving of love, his members, all the fame he achieved in such a short amount of time. He didn’t even sing that well, his visuals were below average at best, on and on Sunoo’s thoughts go spiraling down the rabbit-hole without any warning or attempt to stop from his brain. He briefly wonders if his brain enjoys seeing its body suffer because of it.
Heeseung and Niki were over their parents’ house for the one day they got off while Jungwon and Jay chose to spend the time off with school friends, probably going to arrive later since they weren’t complete recluses and had a social life outside Enhypen, unlike him.
They must be in a restaurant, enjoying their Friday with other friends that weren’t him. He imagines them to order the greasiest burgers with fried chicken that reeks preservatives and coke that wasn’t even zero and something triggers him to jerk up and sit on his legs. He can’t be seen eating all that junk, mind suddenly zeroing on the oil laying in his stomach for if he were to eat even a bite of that and he can’t hold it anymore. The lunch I ate today didn’t feel healthy enough anyway, I overate anyway, my calorie intake was over limit anyway. He thinks as he walks to the bathroom as if in a trance, not entirely coming to terms with his decision until he was kneeling in front of the toilet, seat moved up and face as close to the bowl as possible to avoid any extra damage. His knees are acquainted with the familiar sting of the floor.
He's revolted by his vision. He blames himself for his current state as he stares at his red knuckles that were unable to heal after the abuse they faced, always brushing against the back of his teeth. He remembers the kimbap Jay cooked last night for him, proud for his road on recovery. He even rubbed his back before he went to sleep, smile still visible on his handsome face paired with his eyes crinkling and sharp jawline illuminated from the moonlight and that thought makes Sunoo coil in guilt on the bowl. He was proud of him, and this was what he was doing. Pathetic.
The food comes surging up, acid burning his esophagus in the process. His eyes start blurring with the tears that are punched out his eyes, grateful for the lack of vision so he doesn’t have to watch the sick in the toilet with a clenched heart and body heavy with guilt and disgust. So ugly and I can’t even eat properly. Recovery maybe was never the answer.
He continues poking the back of his throat, determined to let out everything he ate that day in this very conveniently scheduled appointment he had with the toilet. He involuntarily lets out sounds that he can’t suppress, gagging noises that sounded like sandpaper to his own ears. His nose had started leaking and he feels helpless when he feels the tears fall in the bowel, dripping from where they were collecting on his nose. The roof of his mouth is burning from the food that was meant to be in his stomach and get digested, nutrition meant to be absorbed by his body. He can’t help but let out a throaty snort in the cold room as he thinks his body deserves nothing but harsh treatment and barely the minimum to survive.
His hand is covered in his spit, pieces of undigested food stuck in between his fingers and he’s suddenly overwhelmed with the smell and how loud he was being, clean hand reaching for the sink to turn on the tap. Maybe if the water is loud enough those two won’t hear me tearing myself apart.
He removes his hand from his abused mouth, heart breaking at the sight of his chubby hand covered in puke that reeks of minerals and vitamins he should have left to digest. He lets out an unplanned sob as he tries to find and press the flush button, all his mess vanishing in the small hole right in front of his eyes. he still can’t see clearly, can’t breathe as his nose is as blocked with clear snot and so has to resort to breathing sweet air through his mouth, calming the raging burn at the back of his throat only slightly.
Once on his wobbly legs, he stumbles to find purchase on the sink, dirty hand going to grab the soap and start lathering at a ridiculous speed. Maybe the faster he tries to clean himself, the faster the smell will vanish. His mouth is sporting a long thread of the various bodily fluids he has forcibly removed, occasionally landing on his hands as he tries to rid his hand of the abhorrent smell of the insides of his stomach. Disgusting, Sunoo. How you got a spot in this group, no one knows.
Once satisfied, he brings a lathered hand to his face and tries to wipe the vomit on his cheek. He doesn’t even have the energy to look in the mirror and see where he should be focusing on, hand on autopilot as it meets his other hand and comes back up lathered again to wash his mouth.
The taste of soap ironically calms him down, spitting the water with a little of the mixture of spit and vomit. He does this like a ritual, mind not really catching on what just happened. He wasn’t really conscious as he was washing himself up, not at all ready to leave the bathroom with a face and hands that stink for no apparent reason. They didn’t know, and they didn’t have to know. He wants to keep it that way.
With thick, tired arms he pushes himself high enough to catch his reflection on the mirror, and he smiles sadly at the familiarity: eyes puffed, cheeks tainted with tears that cascaded without his consent, nose red and a little bloated from the constant rubbing, mouth spit-slick and the thing that brought his mind back to reality was the acidic taste at the back of his throat. He knew from experience that he’d now have a stubborn piece there, never quite letting him swallow with ease. It was a small price he was willing to pay for the feeling he had now. His stomach was now partially, if not completely, pumped of the food he ate. He smiles at the grunt his stomach gives him.
Jay was the only one who knew, and he was out with someone special to him. The two at home were watching a movie, oblivious to him or his shenanigans and that pangs his heart for no particular reason. He takes a few deep breaths and goes to dry his mess of a face. A few sprays of the air freshener and the bathroom is just as he entered.
he walks to the fridge as if he didn’t just empty his stomach 2 minutes ago and asks an unsuspecting couple if they’d want ramyeon or fried chicken.
“Bring both!” was the reply he got, face twisting into a smile. Just because he didn’t want to eat doesn’t mean he’ll let his members restrict too.
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Jay and Jungwon were chatting with each other excitedly as they made their way home, bags filled with books and stationery they never paid special attention to.
“And then Beomgyu just sprayed him! In front of his manager!” Jungwon was whisper-shouting-giggling at Jay, who was also laughing quietly at his friend in the corridor. The way Beomgyu had recounted the incident he almost got shouted at for playing a prank on Yeonjun was still fresh in their minds and were enjoying his misfortune a little too much.
“We have to now make sure Yeonjun isn’t planning his funeral yet,” Jay muses, opening the door to their dorm. “We don’t know how that man has that much patience.”
“Yep,” the two in the hallway are removing their coats and accessories as Jake and Sunghoon walk toward them. “You both are pretty similar in that aspect then. Oh, hi Sunghoon-hyung and Jake-hyung!”
“I hope you both know that Sunoo is back to his purging stage and is now on his bed. We didn’t want to tell him anything because I know he doesn’t know we know, so we can’t just go up to him and tell him to stop vomiting in the toilet,” Sunghoon says bluntly to Jay, whose face immediately stilled, removing his shoes.
“You need to talk to him. I don’t even know why he trusts you so much. Tell him to get better. I really wish he told us so all so we could help him,” he continues on a tangent, heart unexplainably clenching at the realization that yet again, his dongsaengs don’t trust him.
“I can’t even have a peaceful day without one of you hooligans causing up trouble,” Jungwon angrily hisses out, his sudden change in attitude giving Jay whiplash as he removes and leaves his shoes in a neat row. Even an angry Jungwon wouldn’t leave a mess in his wake. “Go to him, I’ll clean up the bathroom.”
Jay nods rather automatically, looking back and forth at Sunghoon and Jake who mirrored his initial shock at their leaders’ rare bitter mood. He knows it’ll subside and calm over a few hours, but the surprise was easy to cover up. The former couple had stayed with Jay, reluctant to follow Jungwon who was undoubtedly walking toward the bathroom to freshen up… and now clean the toilet.
“Why is he so mad?” Sunghoon asked the room lowly, not keen on Jungwon hearing them. “I always speak like this.”
“Not everything is about you,” Jay tells him with a huff, removing his cap. “This was the one day we both went out with our friends from school, I think it’s natural he feels annoyed at it being ruined.”
“So his eating disorder is ruining the both of your lives?” Jake speaks up harshly with a roll of his eyes as he grabs Sunghoon’s hand and pulls him toward the living room. Before Jay could say anything to save his face, Jake had spit out, “You were the one he trusts enough to open up to. Don’t make him regret doing the first step in recovery: telling someone. Now, Sunghoon and I are going to the living room to avoid any further verbal berating from you or that kid. Don’t come until you have something to tell us about Sunoo getting better.”
And with that, the both of them left him in silence.
Jay harshly kicks his shoes to the side, seething at himself for feeling annoyed that Sunoo relapsed, even if it was after a 3 week long progress. He was his bandmate; he was supposed to support him through his hardship. On top of that, he was the one Sunoo trusted enough to open up to. He couldn’t just turn his back on him.
He goes to the kitchen to wash his hands and splash water on his face in an attempt to calm his thoughts. He had to talk to him, that was sure. But how was he going to explain to him that it hurts everyone in the house to hear him in the bathroom? How were they supposed to act like they know nothing and continue with their promotions and dance practices turning a blind eye to his unexplained lethargy and inability to keep up?
He fills his hands with water and forces his face in it, deep exhale letting him finally finalize on what and how he was going to tell Sunoo. And the report Jake was going to be waiting for.
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Jay goes toward their shared bedroom to see Sunoo on Heeseung’s bed, scrolling through his phone. His gaze is torn from his phone and settles on him, face frozen. Sunoo doesn’t know Sunghoon told them about what happened, and jay doesn’t know how to bring up the elephant in the room.
“Hi hyung,” he hears Sunoo tell him with a disinterested wave.
“Hey,” at this point he’s racking his brains for a way to Segway this conversation to what he heard them tell him. “How was lunch?”
“Good, we ate your Gordon-style pork. It was the best,” He answers him, eyes returning back on the screen, avoiding eye-contact. Lies.
“It can’t be anything less since I made it,” he light-heartedly adds as he goes to sit on Niki’s bed right opposite where the boy he was talking to. He hears a snort from Sunoo.
“You wish.”
“So you still have it, right?” he asks tenaciously, completely blowing off his jab. He already regrets asking the question when Sunoo turns his phone off rather forcefully, opting to sit facing him. He notices how bloated Sunoo’s face and wonders why he chooses to put himself through this torture when he already was beautiful enough for the rest of their members. Please stop doing this to us, and more importantly to yourself.
“And that means what, hyung?” he asks, seemingly able to read between the lines, knowing there was a trap behind the question. “I ate it. It was great. What else do you want me to say?”
“Sunghoon and Jake told me, Sunoo-ah. They heard you,” he tells him with his eyes trained on his fingers fiddling with each other in favour of not looking at the man sitting across him who was undoubtedly staring at him with eyes narrowed in disapproval and mouth pursed to a thin line.
“No, I had a funny bug. I’m sure PD-nim told you there was some food poisoning,” he pauses. “Food, going around. I didn’t do it.” He finishes, lying rather clumsily. Jay can see the way his friend’s eyes are fixed on a spot above his shoulder, focused on not meeting his eye; knowing he already saw through his pathetic attempt at lying.
“Uh-huh, and food poisoning is a bug? That goes around 7 people and affects only one? Right,” he tells him unamused, hands now resting behind so he can lean on them, looking at Sunoo with a small smile that is betrayed by his tired eyes. “You told me the first time, how is this any different?”
“Because!” he lets out angrily, rolling his eyes and flopping on his side on the bed. “That was when I wasn’t recovering. Now it has been what, 3 weeks? I wasn’t supposed to do it and I know you are going to tell me that but I already know that.”
“You must have seen Jungwon,” he changes the topic, chest constricting with the realization that Sunoo hadn’t denied that he purged today, but also with a little pride blooming in his chest that Sunoo had 3 weeks of a relatively normal eating schedule. “He isn’t happy.”
“No one told him to worry, he can be locked in that bathroom for all I care,” Sunoo spits back, earning him a wide-eyed Jay. “He shouldn’t have come home then. Why did you, huh? You couldn’t stay with Gyu and Kai and the rest for the entire day?”
“Sunoo,” he starts with a sigh, entirely worn out from the busy day he had. “We all agreed to meet for an hour. We left after 2. It’s not like we spent so little time. And why are you so angry anyway?”
“No, you don’t get to tell me I’m angry. Or ask me why I am. Whatever. I’m sorry, and I won’t do it again,” he tells him and raises his voice to shout over to Jungwon who was in the bathroom at the end of the corridor. “Jungwon-ah! Suck it up and next time don’t offer to do something I do regardless!”
“Sunoo,” Jay tells him sternly, completely taken aback at how snappy Sunoo was today. He gets that he relapsed for one day after a 3-week streak and is beyond pissed at himself, but this behaviour was detrimental for the group; something he was paid to make sure never happened. “He’s just trying to help. You don’t get to have a go at him.”
“What?” he asks defensively. “I never told him to clean the place up. I’m not that messy.”
“It’s not a question of you being-” he stops himself, realizing he caught the bait of a topic change he lets out a quietly forced exhale and face scrunched up in stress, finger pinching the bridge of his nose in a silent way to communicate to Sunoo just how bratty he is being for no reason. I shouldn’t have even brought him up.
With a mind steeled in talking some sense to Sunoo, he looks Sunoo square in the face and continues. “Just- Leave him. He’s angry, but not at you now, ok? Just come with me and we can all watch our past performances, hm? We can even laugh at Jake’s failed cameraman. I know Sunghoon would love that.”
“Nice try, hyung. I’m not going there. I know Sunghoon and Jake told you, but they won’t tell me they know. It’s not like I’m some 4-year-old girl who can’t talk to others about what her problem is.”
“Sunoo, will you please just be cooperative for once? You can’t stay here in the dark scrolling on your phone when everyone else is worried about you! You won’t even come out!”
“So the 3 weeks I did well mean nothing to you, hyung?” Sunoo says this in such a thick voice, as if he was hurt by what he told him that it punches Jay’s gut. “Nothing?”
“I- No, it did- Jungwon-“
“Save it, hyung, I got the answer,” he flops on his back as he rolls his eyes at his screen, most likely to ashamed to do the action in front of the person who caused him to do it in the first place, and that makes Jay’s chest constrict yet again. “ I’m not watching anything with anyone. You might as well be trying to convince a rock to move over. I ain’t,” he stubbornly tells him, switching on his phone in a show of defiance.
“I’m sure if I tell Jungwon you aren’t getting out of the bedroom he’ll not be happy.”
“What’s new?”
Jay gets up with a sigh, officially tired of Sunoo and giving him a very disappointed look. He would come back when he was of a calmer mind, not spiteful or angry at every little thing.
“And you’re leaving. Great. Bye, then,” Sunoo says sarcastically, loud enough for Jay to hear even if he was talking to himself.
Sunoo will never admit loudly to craving his presence after the minutes that felt like hours of not having anyone to talk to after that unplanned incident. He would have followed Jay to the door and dropped to his knees, clutching at his legs to just stay, tell him it was ok and that he could get better over time, not everything has to be perfect in a short time. To just accept him the way he was.
“I am leaving, but only to get Jungwon. He will tell you mean things, and you will have to try and not cry,” Jay ignores the eye roll Sunoo directs at him, yet again. “It’s hard, I know, he did the same to me. So if you want that, you stay here like the mopey 4 year old girl you are. I, on the other hand, will have a blast with Sunghoon and Jake watching our failed moves.”
“Go wild,” was all the response he got.
Sunoo wasn’t going to tell him he was scared shitless at what Jungwon was going to do when he came to him to reprimand him for falling prey to his own mind, but he couldn’t care less. Jay was angry at him, Sunghoon and Jake had completely ignored his existence, he was allowed to wallow in self-pity for a few more hours, at least.
“Baby,” Sunoo hears Jay call Jungwon loudly, cringing at the pet-name. his voice grows muffled from the wall and tries to tune out their exaggerated kissing noises. He hears their voices talking about something he can’t pinpoint. It’s definitely me.
“Why aren’t you going to go? I told him such scary things,” he can hear Jay whining as he hears the couple walking down the hallway. “Now I’ll just seem like a joke.”
“No one told you I’d go. Should’ve thought about that before you made such promises.” Sunoo tries to replicate his annoyed-endeared face and smiles at those two’s relationship.
Sunoo hears footsteps down the corridor, expecting Jungwon to enter with such force it makes him flinch even though he was awaiting him to come. They pass the room in favour of going to the kitchen. Definitely not me.
Dejected, he resumes the video he was watching. Sunoo being the sassy hyung of the maknae line.
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He hears someone walk toward the bedroom, and unconsciously prepares himself for the door to fly open and hear Jungwon start hollering at him for being so careless yet again and putting the entire group in a difficult situation.
He was not expecting the door to open silently, Heeseung gliding in.
“I’m on your bed,” he states the obvious, taken aback at his arrival and not sure how much he wants to tell their eldest member.
“And I’m blind now. Who knew?” he jokes, walking toward him with a smile. He scoots him over and lies down beside him despite his weak protests. It wasn’t even his bed; he had no say in the owner wanting to lie on it or not. “We’re having galbijjim. Niki tried making it at his house, and I don’t know if his mom helped him or not, but I’m sure she did. Or else he wouldn’t be coming here without third-degree burns.” He jokes again, resting his head on his crossed arms as a makeshift pillow.
Sunoo wasn’t dumb, he knew he was trying to get him to get up and eat for the millionth time that week. Even if he was doing well for almost a month, no. people will always focus on your negative points. What does it matter if you were progressing?
“Are you serious,” Sunoo lets out, not really a question. Rubbing his eyes harshly to try and stop the tears gathering there to fall, he tells him, “It was after 3 good long weeks! I can’t even have a nice recovery period without someone being proud of me. Wow.”
“What? No,” Heeseung frantically tries to cover up his mistake, bringing up food. He dismissively shakes his head a little too hard and brings a hand up to shake it as well, as if the added action won’t force Sunoo to disregard everything he says instead of accepting that he might not have meant what he wanted to say. What did you have to do that for? “I mean Niki just really wanted you to try it and tell him it tastes good!” he pauses as if to think, looking at the boy next to him and places his hand on his arm, slowly. “You really think I’m not proud of you?” at least Sunoo doesn’t shake him off.
“I mean, it’s not like you were very upfront about it. the least you could do is not ignore me all the time,” Sunoo lets out bravely after a short pause. He was reluctant on confronting his hyung about it, but he was ready to talk about anything but his disorder. He was that desperate to receiving no reprimands.
“When have I ever!?” the older asks defensively, voice loud and thick with betrayal which further irritating Sunoo. “I have never done that. No idea what you’re talking about.”
“Of course, you don’t. I’m just making it all up anyway, huh,” Sunoo shoots him venomously.
“Just tell me what you thought. I’ll tell you if I really was consciously ignoring you or not, hm?”
“Forget it, hyung. If you don’t remember then it didn’t happen.” Sunoo tells him sarcastically as he rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time that evening and goes back to his phone.
Heeseung turns his head to look at Sunoo, adamant on getting him to look at him after hearing something that unexplainably panged his heart. He didn’t want Sunoo thinking he was ignoring him. But since he wasn’t able to recollect a single moment when he was with the boy during the past 3 weeks, he stops himself from arguing on his behalf. He always remembered the boy as a side note, and that weighs heavy on his heart.
“Come on,” he pleads silently for him to look at him. He wasn’t alien to the feeling of being idolized even by his trainers, fans, fellow trainees, even his members. He never understood how people could be so blind to his self, seeing only whatever they wanted to see. He could get a tattoo of a vulgar word, and everyone would sing his praises. He didn’t know how to deal with people thinking he was some sort of God. “Sunoo-ah, come on. Don’t be difficult.”
“Oh, I’m being difficult? I’m so sorry, hyung. Let me then just get out of your hair while I’m at it, huh? Maybe ignore your bed ‘coz God knows I can’t do the same to you,” he angrily spits at him, trying to swiftly but carefully place his hands over Heeseung and leave the owner of the bed alone. He should’ve seen it coming, really. Him being difficult, everyone blaming every tiny problem on him because he is dealing with something he never wanted to. How convenient. For them.
Heeseung flinches at the sudden change in attitude and gets up quickly to try pushing Sunoo back on his bed, blocking his way out to wherever he was going to go. It’s not like he was going to the living room to deal with the tense atmosphere of the members and try to avoid questions about his recent activities like the plague. No, he wasn’t leaving the room, and he knew it. But Heeseung wanted to tell him just how important he means to him and his unexpected purge changes nothing in the way he views his dongsaeng.
Sunoo stubbornly tries to push Heeseung back, bodily forcing Heeseung away so he could slither away to the bathroom and let that be the end of his day, but he wasn’t even allowed to go the bathroom. Which wasn’t that difficult to believe anyway, but it still stung that he wouldn’t let him leave. Just another thing to tick him off yet again.
“What do you even want hyung? I can’t even leave you in peace now? Isn’t that what you wanted?” he asks Heeseung with such force his hands stop on their accord, laying limply on his lap now. “What is it?”
“I- Sunoo, I really wasn’t meaning to… not be with you these weeks. I’m sure you noticed I have, like double the lessons than all of you and PD-nim wanted to discuss a few matters with me. It’s not you, please believe me,” he ends, the sincerity in his voice startling even Sunoo, who was panting after the struggle and failing to piece what Heeseung had told him. It wasn’t his fault? Wasn’t it always? What’s the catch?
“What’s the catch?” he voices out, knowing it can’t just be that he didn’t even know he was avoiding him. “There must be one, right? So what is it?”
“Catch?” the older asks with a tilt to his head, eyes narrowed trying to understand what he told him. Why this little…
“What’s the catch?” the older tries clarifying, the word sounding foreign in his mouth.
“Isn’t there always one?” Sunoo replies, suddenly insecure about the question. Did people normally not ask that? He tries to ignore the way his
question sounded more vulnerable than aggressive.
“Nope, none. It’s not you, Sunoo,” he reminds him earnestly, head moving in his line of vision repetitively in an attempt to get Sunoo to look at him since he was looking at everyone but the boy he was talking to.
“Ok, I was not expecting that,” he hears Sunoo tell him in a meek voice, eyes trained on the bed just behind Heeseung. “Thanks, I guess.”
“Anytime, sport!” he smiles at the younger, relieved he solved this one himself. So much for being the fake-maknae of the group huh. “My galbijjim offer- more like Niki’s- still stands, you know.”
Sunoo groans and forcefully moves himself out of the dancer’s bed, fighting back his offences enough to move out of the way. Heeseung is left on his bed, staring at Sunoo’s back, wondering why it was always so hard to get Sunoo to join them in any gathering they had. It was almost as if he didn’t want to be with the group. He continues staring at Sunoo’s form nearing the door, utterly at a loss of words as he sees him pause just as he steps out the room.
“I know, and I will eat some, if that’s what you’re wondering. It’s nice to know that’s the only thing you ever worry about, hyung. comforting even,” he speaks to the room, and steps out of the door and having enough sense to close the door, leaving the older alone in the dark.
He flops back on his pillow, exhaling deeply. “What’s his goddamn problem?”
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Sunoo leans on the wall in the corridor, not entirely sure if he wants to go meet the rest. He’s not sure how many of them are aware of his mistake and concludes that he doesn’t even want to know. If Jake and Sunghoon know and told Jay and Jungwon, only Niki was left, and he’s sure the members told him after he and Heeseung arrived.
Why couldn’t they be supportive for the 3 weeks instead of ignoring him now just because he relapsed for a fucking day. It wasn’t like he was forcing them to restrict their diet. It wasn’t like he was complaining every 2 hours of the crazy amounts of calories everyone else ate. He was the only suffering, and he hated the way they treated him; as if he was the reason for their problems.
It was all so unfair, so fucking unfair that Sunoo found himself moving toward the living room with a muddled mind, hearing the boys shouting with glee. His sharp footsteps were felt more than heard and the second before he reaches the room, an eerie silence blankets the 5 members. Sunoo is painfully aware that he was the reason everyone stopped what they were doing as he blankly stares at the room. Jake and Sunghoon had muted the tv in a hurry. Niki, Jay and Jungwon on the other side of the couch all whipped their head exceptionally fast to see who entered and instantly vaporized the playful atmosphere.
Sunoo looks around the room with a throbbing head and increased heartrate while the remaining just stare at him, uncomfortable body language screaming at him to just leave them be and never disturb them for as long as he lived. Their eyes never left him, making Sunoo feel self-conscious and forces his hand to move upward and look at everyone’s foreheads so as to not see their eyes and the absolute hatred pooling in them and scratches the back of his head.
“I, didn’t mean to be so loud- maybe I’ll just, yeah let me just go back-“ he somewhat manages to mumble, eyes downcast and swiftly retreats to the kitchen. The members had looked horrified when he had just stood at the entrance, not even inviting him over to join them. He was sure he saw the trio playing a board game. But no, they didn’t invite him. Why would they? He thinks with a sigh as he sits on a chair, dragging it closer the table so he can rest his heated-up face on his interlocked hands and berates himself for something so simple, yet again.
He doesn’t realize the flaw in his plan until he is sat on the table, fruit bowl enticing him to eat 2 or 3 or the entire bowl. The bananas were over, he realizes with a smile as he picks a strawberry.
He examines it like it’s the most interesting thing, adamant on seeming occupied as he hears someone walk toward the kitchen. Most likely Niki, judging by the footsteps. He was easy to fool, so he resumes his sudden inspection of the strawberry he would’ve inhaled by now. Maybe Niki might leave him and he would end up finishing the bowl. Or the leftovers.
“Hyung?” he hears the youngest’s voice from the corridor, already regretting going to the living room in the first place. He makes a noise loud enough to tell him he’s in the kitchen just as he enters the room Sunoo had pathetically fled to. He sees from the corner of his eyes that Niki seems hesitant to enter the kitchen, fingers tapping on the wall. A nervous habit he observed of the Japanese boy. “We wanted to call you.”
“It’s ok, I’m here and having the time of my life, as you can see,” he explains sarcastically as he brings the strawberry in front of his face in a weak attempt to convince him. He’s sure the younger let out a sigh but won’t dwell on silly matters. Everyone sighs because of him. He causes people’s stress and he’s well aware of it. At least Niki doesn’t avoid me.
“Sure, let me join you then!” Niki’s face breaks into a box smile and rushes to the chair opposite Sunoo to sit on eagerly as Sunoo suppresses an eye roll and groan of his own. “Then we can both go back. We were needing a fourth player anyway. Heeseung left but I don’t know why he didn’t come back.”
Perfect, they just want him to replace Heeseung who had left. And it was his fault said boy was still on his bed, wondering about what fucking hair gel he was to wear for tomorrow’s interview or how many millions of fucking coins to spend in his fucking video game. The sudden irritation for Heeseung confuses him, so he tries to talk to his maknae and try to convince him to leave so he doesn’t end up being baselessly angry at him too.
“Why are you here, Niki?” he asks him tiredly, strawberry hanging loosely from his fingers. “Did Jungwon tell you to come here and reprimand me for cleaning the toilet because of me? What is it?”
Niki’s eyes widen at the confrontational question as he waves his hands dismissively as he tells him in an embarrassed tone, cheeks tinting just a tiny pink, “No, no, not at all. I told them to wait for me, actually. I don’t know what’s going on with you, hyung, and I know you were doing well for 3 weeks or whatever that means, but you weren’t spending time with us and we thought we were doing something wrong since you were doing ‘well’ as you told us but now you stay in your room all the time and even Jay-hyung told us you weren’t going to watch our epic fails together so we didn’t want to drag you out but then Heeseung decided to go drag you out no matter what happened and now here you are eating a damn strawberry and he hasn’t come out after you left so I-“
“Jeez, you talk so much,” he interrupts him with a single laugh, as both parties chuckles lightly. He pokes the younger’s nose with his free hand, earning him a slap across his hand and an expression of mock anger. “It’s cute.”
Niki’s face turns downwards and narrows his eyes, pointing two fingers to his eyes, then Sunoo’s, “I’m watching you.”
“Terrifying too.”
“That’s more like it! It wasn’t so hard, was it?” he tells him with faux satisfaction, eyes dropping to the strawberry, a pathetic excuse in his eyes. “You done pretending that strawberry is your fiancée and gonna come with us and watch those fucking fails or what?”
The sound of his maknae’s voice makes him smile and drop the strawberry back to the bowl. He would save his appointment with self-pity for
another time. Now, he had an adorable boy who was smiling so widely, waiting for him to accompany them back to the living room and do the one thing they all wanted to but he was too stubborn to comply.
“Sure, why not?”
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Heeseung is still on his bed, contemplating how he can make it up to Sunoo. Maybe he could gift him coins on LoL. Or offer to teach him the helicopter dance. He gathered over the months it’s a very entertaining way to spend time with people and laugh over silly mistakes.
He even toys with the idea of getting him flowers, but immediately dismisses it with a laugh. “Am I his boyfriend or what.”
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“There you are!” Sunghoon yells at Sunoo as he re-enters the living room with Niki just behind him, smile a little too wide for his liking but lets him lead him to the sofa anyway; practically allowing him to push him a little too eagerly. “We can finally start this thing once and for all.”
It hits Sunoo deep but decides not to mention it. he notices Heeseung still hasn’t come out of the room, and that Jungwon tries to catch his eye every 2 seconds. Maybe he heard that Sunoo knew about his outburst before going to clean the toilet. Sunoo couldn’t care less though. He isn’t going to be the one who ruins the mood on top of being the one to delay it in the first place. “What about Heeseung?”
“HYUNG?” Jungwon calls loudly to his hyung. “COME ON ALREADY!”
“ALRIGHT, JEEZ!” he shouts back, causing Jake to giggle a little. Sunoo doesn’t find it in him to ask what’s so funny.
He risks a glance around the room to find Sunghoon and Jake the way he left them in the evening, cuddling impossibly close. On his other side the rest are immersed in conversation while Jay handles the remote, searching for their channel and choosing an old video to comment on. Jungwon was facing Sunoo as he was talking to Niki, probably complimenting him on his effort on getting Sunoo out of his shell. Jay catches Sunoo’s eyes and mouths, ‘So Niki, huh?’ and proceeds to be rejected by him with a wave of his hand, air of sass around him for no apparent reason.
Jungwon notices Sunoo and his eyes fall on his instead. If Niki realized, he made no comment, continuing talking about how they need to buy more vegetables instead of ordering in every day, getting a half-interested hum and nod from Jungwon. Sunoo doesn’t know why Jungwon wants his attention, but it wasn’t like he had anything better to do, so he holds eye contact, not sure what exactly is going on. Wasn’t he mad at him for making him clean the toilet? He didn’t even need to, he thinks spitefully.
“Sunoo,” he calls him, causing the boy to raise his eyebrows once. He was already looking at him, wasn’t that enough? Did he want him to apologize? “What?”
“I don’t know what this idiot over here told you,” He points his chin to Jay who was intently staring at the tv, lips forming his infamous pout. He catches the way their leader’s eyes soften for just a split second. “But I’m not mad at you. And I won’t say anything to you. Know that, please.”
Sunoo hears the way he chokes out the last word, heart guilty from making their leader feel the need to clear up things when it was his fault in the first place. “I- It’s- not- no big deal, Wonie, I- It’s ok.”
He gives him a thumbs-up and his smile accentuates his dimples when he smiles, and Sunoo is sure God had favourites. He wonders why he wasn’t one of them as he gives him an ‘ok’ hand gesture and a smile of his own.
Heeseung chooses to exit his hermit lifestyle that moment, everybody already hurling arguments at him and complaining to him about starting their meet late because of him. He just laughs with his bright teeth and waves them off, explaining something about how he doesn’t even have time to waste anymore.
“Alright, grandpa, now sit down so we can start already,” Jay scolds him, still holding the remote and starting their old performance video of given-taken, video paused on their very, very cool-looking opening.
Heeseung chooses to sit between Sunghoon and Sunoo, making himself comfortable on the latter’s shoulder. If Sunoo is utterly shocked out of his mind, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he chooses to join the jeer with Jake and Niki telling Jay to start the video already to distract him from the eldest’s head resting on his shoulder. he finds himself not entirely hating the feeling.
“Remember when Niki and Heeseung-hyung tripped and fell on their asses that time they were trying to-“
“Jay-hyung! you promised!”
“Huh, promise what? What did he promise? What don’t we know?!” Jake questions from the end of the room, head leaning forward to look at the two boys in question. Sunoo hides his smile when he sees Jake widen his eyes trying to look intimidating rather endearingly. “Trying what?”
“Look! Sunghoon doing his move like a skeleton!”
“Oh, come on Niki, I was sitting here, minding my own business, and you say that to me unprovoked?”
To add fuel to the fire, Jay rewinds his part with a smirk on his lips.
“And what was that for!?” the boy being teased asked hotly, hands gesturing abstractedly in an angry fit.
“The best parts must be replayed twice, Sunghoon-ah. Didn’t you know?” The entire room bursts into laughter that covers over Sunghoon’s groans about being bullied by his own family members.
The comment makes Sunoo smile. Sunghoon was right. They were family. And family stick together.
Maybe Jay was just trying to help him when he tried to get him out of the room. Jungwon went without a word to clean up after him. Niki doesn’t treat
him any different and Heeseung was now actively trying to spend more time with him and act closer. Sunghoon and Jake don’t flinch whenever he sprawls himself over the couple. He tunes out the performance and any potential mistakes anyone made, heart feeling awfully full as he looks around the room and sees 6 boys sitting with him, watching their old performance as if nothing is wrong after learning of Sunoo’s unfortunate relapse.
He thinks he’s going to be just alright.
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