Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first chapter is still canon-compliant and mainly corresponds to the scene from the film. But afterwards everything changes – for the better.

Tony focused on the burning sensation in his arms as he heaved his body up into a pull-up over and over again. However, he had to admit that even with total concentration, he probably couldn't have found a better excuse than a “radioactive accident”. At least not in the few seconds it took Pepper to get down to his workshop once she’d realised the suit upstairs with her was empty.

His brain was just tired.

He was just tired.

"Busted." Maybe at least his charm would salvage a little of the sexy vibe Pepper had been trying to create upstairs.

Pepper's expression suggested the opposite.

"This is a new level of lame."

Tony let go of the bar and dropped to the floor.

"Sorry."

Instead of countering his two-syllable apology, Pepper's gaze stayed fixed on something behind him. He turned halfway, but except for what was left of his breakfast the night before - or did it still count as dinner from two days ago if he hadn't slept in between the days? – there was nothing to see.

"You ate without me already? On date night?”

Oh shit. If Tony hadn't been so tired, his brain would have realised that the truth would have been a thousand times better in this situation. But now, his only logic was harm reduction, which meant it would be better for Pepper to be mad just about date night than to bring his late-night work marathons into play.

Tony pointed to his Mark 42 suit still standing in the doorway where he had followed Pepper from above. " He was just -"

Pepper interrupted him: "You mean you?"

"Well yeah. I just mean we were just... just hosting you while I finished up a little work."

Suddenly, Tony's own words reminded him why he had been so engrossed in his work in the first place when instead, he could have prepared for date night - and until a few hours ago, he wanted to!

Pepper's unimpressed uh-huh suddenly made him erupt. What was another of his little lies in the face of Pepper's truth?

"And yes, I had a quick bite. I didn't know if you were comin' home or if you were having drinks with Aldrich Killian."

At his words, the Mark 42 suit jerked its head toward Pepper, the unspoken accusation visible on the immobile face. Later Tony would have a serious word with J.A.R.V.I.S. At the moment, however, the support was more than welcome.

"What?" Pepper snapped at him.

Tony swallowed back his surging emotions - he hadn't done anything wrong - and gave her his own unfazed look back.

"What?"

Pepper seemed to be really angry now.

"Aldrich Killian? What are you checking up on me?"

Her voice wasn't shrill, Pepper hadn't screamed at him when she got angry in a long time, but she was shaking with restrained anger. Tony's first impulse was to fish for a quick lie to untangle this mess. But he hadn't done anything wrong, had he? And, if he was being honest, he didn't want to lie to Pepper.

"Happy was concerned."

"No, you're spying on me!"

What? So much for the truth. What good was the truth if a lie was easier to believe?

Tony was tired, so tired.

"I wasn't--" He wasn't what? Pepper was right. He had spied on her. But only after Happy drew his attention to Killian. He just wanted to make sure Killian wasn't a threat to Pepper.

Or?

Pepper didn't give him time to think about it.

"I'm going to bed." She turned on her heel and headed purposefully back to the stairs.

Tony held out a hand to her as if he could remotely control her like his armour.

"Hold on. Come on. Pep."

For a surreal moment, the clicking of her heels as Pepper strode up the first few steps sounded like releasing a gun’s safety catch.

No, no, no! He couldn't; he mustn't lose her. Everything he had done, everything he did, was not to lose her.

"Hey, I admit it! My fault. Sorry."

Tony raised his hands in a pacifying gesture, hoping their shaking wouldn't destroy his fake remorse and ease.

Pepper hesitated, stopped and looked back at him. Okay, now he had his mouth open, he had to keep at it, had to, he had to... maybe the truth was the right way here after all? What did he have to lose? Except for Pepper. And he felt more and more that he was on the best way to do precisely that.

"I'm a piping hot mess. It's been going on for a while. I haven't said anything."

There. Three short sentences. Three simple truths. Three things Pepper had probably already known for a long time.

But they did their job because Pepper slowly walked back down the few steps and stood expectantly in the doorway. She was listening; that was good. That meant he had to keep talking, which wasn't good at all.

Tony rocked back and forth on his tiptoes a few times while figuring out what to say now that she was listening. The obvious had already worked, maybe...

"Nothing's been the same since New York."

"Oh really? Well, I didn't notice that at all.” Pepper's voice was still almost cool sarcasm, but she took another step back to him. That was enough.

"You experience things, and then they're over, and you still can't explain 'em. Gods, aliens, other dimensions. I...I'm just a man in a can.” Before New York, he would have said that as a joke; now, Tony knew it was the only truth.

And it was as if his own words had opened a wormhole inside him, from where they now dragged more and more and more truths from his innermost being. But, oh god, he really loved Pepper, didn’t he? He had to trust her.

"The only reason I haven't cracked up is probably because you moved in. Which is great. I love you; I'm lucky. But, honey, I can't sleep. You go to bed; I come down here. I do what I know; I tinker."

And although he knew all this, these admissions robbed him of his last energy. God, he was so tired.

Tony sat back heavily in his office chair before continuing.

"But threat is imminent, and I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you. My suits, they're uh..."

How was he supposed to explain to someone how it felt to give away so many pieces of yourself; to put yourself back together through your own creations; to create with your own hands what seemed to be missing.

"Machines."

Yes. No!

"They're part of me."

Pepper took the last few steps toward him.

"A distraction."

Suddenly there was so much understanding and pity on Pepper's face that Tony had to look down.

"Maybe."

Tony let the weight of that realisation pull him forward and slump against Pepper's waiting body, solid as a rock. Like his rock in the surf. Her arms wrapped around him, holding him tight, and Tony was suddenly overcome with the feeling that he didn't deserve this. He should probably say something else, but Pepper's hug made a lump form in his throat. So, instead, he concentrated on breathing calmly rather than breaking down in tears as gentle, loving fingers pushed the metal headband he'd been using to control Mark 42 off his head.

He could hear Pepper's heartbeat beneath his own.

"I'm gonna take a shower."

And there it was, the quick end to his illusory inner peace.

Tony stifled a sigh that might as well have been a sob.

"Okay."

Reluctantly, he let Pepper loosen his hug and looked after her.

"And you're gonna join me." Pepper's voice suddenly sounded like it always did when she wanted to tell him that he was doing something completely idiotic and that she still loved him even though she could have sent him to hell. The familiarity and the force of realising that he wasn’t being left behind jerked Tony to his feet and after her.

"Better!" he called before he stumbled up the steps behind her and caught her hand halfway.

Chapter Text

Tony pressed his forehead against the cool tiles and let the hot water massage his shoulders and cradle his back. He was grateful that Pepper had suggested a shower and not a bath. Tony didn't know if, after all the frankness and honesty, he could still admit to her that his problems with water on his head, on his face, in his nose, on the way to his lungs--

He shook his head and turned around until his shoulder blades pressed against the cool stone. He wasn't going back there now.

Pepper had her back to him, and her body stretched up as she massaged shampoo into her hair. For a moment, Tony was lost in the sight of this incredibly strong woman and how her slim body was so elegant and yet so strong. Maybe her physical strength wasn't that of Captain America, but Tony didn't doubt for a second that, in spirit, Pepper Potts was the strongest person he knew. Seemingly effortlessly, she had dealt with all his vices and mistakes for years, straightened them out or covered them up and then managed his company on the side. And yet this was where she wanted to be; at his side, with him.

"You're unbelievably—" Tony trailed off when too many words tried to come out of his mouth at once, and none were right. Beautiful, strong, wonderful, tolerant, perfect.

Pepper stopped when he didn't continue and turned to face him.

"Hm?"

Tony opened his mouth, but all he could do was repeat what he had already said.

"You're unbelievable."

Pepper's questioning expression turned into a slight smile, and her eyes grew warmer. She closed the small gap between them and leaned against him, the side of her head pressing against his.

Tony took a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tight. Those innocent, loving touches were perhaps one of the most comforting things about his relationship with Pepper, even if he would never admit it. With every other person, he'd gotten that close with over the past several decades, there had always, without exception, been the expectation of an incredible, hot, sexy night with Tony Stark. With Pepper, he could just enjoy this moment.

Tony planted a quick kiss on her shoulder.

"Thanks."

"For what?"

Pepper raised a hand behind his head and slowly began to stroke his still-dry hair while the pounding water gradually drained her head of the shampoo.

"For everything. For you. I don't want to annoy you or lock you up. You're... I know you're strong and, and... But there's something so much bigger, so much more dangerous out there. I wanted to protect you."

Pepper heaved a deep sigh, but instead of pulling away from him and starting an argument, she held his head even tighter against her, her hand still in his hair.

"I know, Tony. And I believe you. But you can’t do it like this. I feel monitored by you, not protected. I actually don't even feel like I’m in any danger, you know?"

Tony drew in a quick breath.

"You didn't see them, Pepper. These are aliens, creatures from outer space. And they have... they are so vastly superior to us. We have to do something."

Tony gritted his teeth to keep his voice from shaking. Instead, a shiver ran through his body.

Pepper's other hand began to stroke his shoulder blade up and down.

"Shh. I didn't mean there was no danger, Tony. I believe you, okay? I just mean that I'm not in imminent danger in each everyday situation. And I'm pretty sure I'd notice soon enough if Aldrich Killian grew green tentacles or something."

Tony gave a short, surprised laugh at the unexpected joke. He hugged Pepper a little tighter.

"I just can't lose you."

Pepper let out a deep sigh, though it didn't sound annoyed, rather sad.

"You're more likely to lose me if you crush me. You know the saying, if you hold something too tightly, it breaks.”

Tony knew she wasn't talking about his hug. Still, he held Pepper a little farther away so he could look at her.

"I know, but I can't help it. I don't know what else to do. I need to know that I can protect you; I need..."

He stopped. That was the problem when he dropped his masks and spoke honestly and openly without carefully planning each word and turning it three times before using it. Often he didn't know what he really wanted to say.

Unfortunately, Pepper knew all the better.

"Control?"

Tony immediately wanted to protest; the word sounded so much like psychoanalytic blah blah. But he was too tired to muster up his usual sarcasm and made the mistake of letting his brain think about it for a few seconds. That time was enough for Pepper to once again see his own thoughts and feelings before he did.

"Just like your suits."

He couldn't deny that either, no matter how much he wanted to. He probably wanted to admit it to himself even less than he did to Pepper.

Pepper always knew everything anyway.

He just would have preferred to stay ignorant himself. Of course, the suits were much, much more... but also control. After all, Tony Stark had always been in control. For decades he had always stood above everything, had the reins in his hands and the shoes on, so to speak. Until, of course, he had a 3-month vacation in Afghanistan and came back knowing that he really didn't have an ounce of control and that Obadiah Stane was the one pulling the strings.

Yes, his suits were control.

He nodded briefly and then pressed himself against Pepper again. He convinced himself in vain that he was looking for her nearness and not trying to hide his face from her.

"Tony, I understand that you want to be prepared for dangers in the future. But you can’t let a hypothetical future take over your present. Our present.”

Tony pressed his ear tighter against Pepper's shoulder, trying in vain to block out her words. The truth hurt, and he felt powerless to change anything. Oh god, he couldn't lose her.

Pepper continued, ignoring his despair.

"I come home to you and you... aren't there. Not with me. I wake up at night, and I'm alone. And know that you are just as alone down in your workshop.”

She took a deep breath, and Tony's heartbeat began to race. He knew he couldn't stop her from speaking the truth.

"These are the things you can lose me to now, Tony. Not aliens light-years away. And you may not have found a way to control the aliens yet, but you are in control of these things -- of your actions."

"If I could sleep, I would!" Tony didn't want to snap at her, but sudden sharp anger and helplessness ripped Tony out of his fear.

But Pepper seemed completely unaffected by his anger.

"I'm not saying you have to be able to sleep, Tony. Of course not! It’s not your fault. But you could... let me know. Wake me up if you have to. Let me be there for you like you try to be there for me.”

Tony gave a quick laugh, and, wow, Pepper really managed to chase his emotions through loop after loop tonight. He probably would be able to sleep through the night from sheer emotional exhaustion.

"Pep, you are always there for me. You already do so many things for me.”

At least Pepper seemed to relax more as well because she smiled at him and kissed his cheek before she reached for the faucet behind his back and turned off the water.

"No, Tony, I do my job as CEO, and I guess I still get stuck in old habits as your PA sometimes."

The hot shower had heated the glass cabin enough that the warm steam still enveloped them without the lack of water sending goosebumps down their bodies.

"But I'm just talking about the two of us now, Tony."

She gestured back and forth between them. Tony watched her waving hand and tried to follow her thoughts.

"About you as my boyfriend. Okay? So wake me up if you can't sleep. We can have hot chocolate and marshmallows together and—”

Lie!

"You hate that sweet stuff."

"And it makes you happy," Pepper countered without pausing. "And we can be together, read, talk, whatever until you can fall asleep."

"Okay." He was surprised to find that he meant it. He would try.

What did he do to deserve Pepper in his life? He probably didn’t. And with that, his bad conscience finally pushed itself to the fore and ate up all his flippant justifications which, in the end, were just his fears.

"I really would have come upstairs then, Pepper. I swear. I wouldn't have left you with Mark 42..."

He didn't quite know what he wanted to say. But as so often, Pepper continued his conversation for him.

"I know. But even if the suits are a...a part of you, they're not you. Not for me. Okay?"

Tony sighed and nodded. Suddenly Pepper grinned at him.

"Well, next time, you could try something normal and leave me a sticky note."

Tony smiled at her. They both knew he would never do anything so normal.

"Okay, I guess next time I can J.A.R.V.I.S. let you know that I'll be taking longer and you—"

"And then I could come to you with snacks. I won't distract you, I promise."

Tony wanted to laugh at the playful sarcasm that wrapped Pepper's promise. But then her words reminded him of the other lie he had told her earlier in the evening, and his laughter caught in his throat, his face twisted into a grimace.

Then again, the truth had served him surprisingly well over the evening; that almost counted as scientific proof, didn't it?

"Yeah, um, about dinner."

Judging by Pepper's worried look, his voice sounded worse than the situation demanded. That should be fine with him. Better she expected something bad and got something harmless than the other way around.

"That was a lie, sorry, that was from yesterday...the day before yesterday, theoretically." Her mouth opened in shock, and he rushed to continue before Pepper could say anything. "Um, so if you still want, can we have something to eat later?"

Pepper pulled the towels from the edge of the shower, wrapped one around his shoulders and pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

"Put on some clean clothes. Old, reheated lasagna is ready in ten minutes.”

Before Tony could finish drying himself, Pepper had slipped into her robe and out of the bathroom. The cold air that rushed in immediately let Tony be ready in far less than ten minutes.

Chapter Text

Tony picked at a piece of crusty cheese that had landed on the couch during dinner so as not to have to look at Pepper for his next words. Otherwise, he wouldn't have had a chance to maintain his nonchalance.

"So, Aldrich Killian. What did he want?"

Instead of answering, Pepper shoved the low coffee table away from them with her foot. She turned to face him, put one arm behind his head on the back of the chair and pulled her legs up, so her knees rested on his thigh.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about it in the morning, so we could fully enjoy our date night..."

Tony indicated everything and nothing around them with his hand.

"Yeah, I already ruined that today."

"Hmm..." To his surprise, Pepper's humming didn't sound like agreement but something almost suggestive. He looked up at her in surprise.

Pepper now wrapped her arms fully around him and pressed a long kiss on his neck, nibbling at his skin. A choked moan escaped him, and Tony couldn't tell if it was from the 180-degree turn of the room’s atmosphere or Pepper's lips against him.

Pepper chuckled.

"I'd say the night is young, but if you'd rather I keep talking about Aldrich Killian –“

Tony sealed her mouth with his own.