Chapter Text
- I don't know, but I'm ok spending every day trying to convince you
Tense silence between both. Carina fighting herself to give an answer, she is touched by Mayas words and more importantly convince, nevertheless she is struggling hard, too hard
-Uhggg! Says angrily walking towards Maya. Carina gently touches Maya's face, staring at her while a tear drops by her cheek- I love you too Maya, I do...
Maya smile and grab Carinas face too, keeping her close
Carina closes her eye, gathering all the strength she needs, -but I can't.
---
Maya was in bed; it was almost 9 in the morning and she was in bed. That never happened before. It's not like she overslept, she barely slept at all. The truth is she feels like crap. That’s not new to her, she felt like this when she became captain, and when she slept with Jack behind Andy, but all those times she ran it off, eyes straight forward, this time was different, even though she tried to deny it, she knew it was different, and she knew why. This time, with Carina she has no intentions to move forward, not without her. Sure, they met not long ago, but as hard and consciously as Maya tried, she couldn’t picture herself without Carina by her side. No, she corrects her thought, she didn’t want to picture her life without Carina by her side. She turns around in bed, closing her eye and letting the tears out.
---
It was the third coffee for Carina and it wasn’t even noon. Thank God for the extra shifts! Otherwise, she will be at home alone, still crying and not sleeping. Now, well she was still dropping a tear every time she wasn’t with a patient, and truth to be told she hadn't slept more than a few hours in the last days, but at least she was not alone trying –and not succeeding- to move forward. She kept replaying the last time she saw Maya, those blue eye flooded of love, regret and honesty. But that wasn’t the problem, she knew Maya loved her, and that she was sorry, she even knew Maya will spend every day proving that to her. What kept Carina sleepless, wasn’t Maya, it was herself.
During their relationship Carina learnt to let go her defenses, took a chance at love regardless of the pain she had felt with Arizona and past partners, and she found something she hadn't experienced since her mom move out to the States, she felt safe, and taken cared, and value. To Feel all of that taken away all over again...that is what keep her struggling. She knew there is no way she could feel that emptiness again, it is too painful, so she did what she was good doing, she closed her heart, hide behind the sexiness and coolness and start worrying about everybody but herself.
---
-Maya, can I come in? Asked Andy from Mayas office door
-What is it, Andy?
-Maya talk to me, you´ve been hiding in here for almost a week now, please... let me be here for you.
-Thank you, Andy, I appreciate it; now please go away.
-Maya!
-Andy, I can't, not here, not now!
-Why?
-Andy please, let go!
- No Maya, I'm your friend, I can't watch you being like a zombie anymore. So, talk!
Maya stands up, tense, all her rage and embarrassment all over her face.
-My friend? My friend? I don’t deserve a friend Andy! I don’t deserve you nor anyone of you. Says Maya trying with all her body not to scream.
- Maya, what are you talking about?
-Common! You know pretty well what I'm talking about! I took your captaincy, I slept with your ex, I let your father die for God sakes! You should hate me!!! So no, I don’t deserve you! Now please get out! Her body couldn’t resist anymore, she fell to the floor, crying and shaking badly.
Andy sat in the floor next to her, she never had seen her friend like this, not even with Mason
-Maya, listen to me- she speaks softly yet firmly- we are family, you and I, and yes, we both made shitty things, but you know what, that’s family! I'm here for you, and please don’t ever say you are not worth it, and more importantly Maya-please look at me said Andy having silence until her friend catch her eye- you didn’t let my father died, he took his own decision; if anything, you were brave enough to let him save me, us, all 19 Maya. Watching him walking to the ceiling took courage, and was the only and best decision that only a great captain could make.
Maya was listening, not believing what her friend was telling her.
-Maya none of us blame you, all of us are grateful, ok?
Maya nod, still sobbing but not shaking as much – thank you Andy. I'm sorry to blow out like this.
-Which bring us to the beginning. Maya, what's going on? You look like shit, I'm pretty sure you are not sleeping enough and now that I recall I haven't seen you eating in a while, and now you snap at me like that...
-She left me, like truly left me. And I know I deserve it, but the pain is...Andy is too much, I can't breathe, much less eat and I haven't slept in so long I don’t remember which day is today...I'm so tired, and I just want for Carina to hug me and calm me, but I can't have her, I lost her, and it is all my fault.
- Have you try to speak to her again?
- Not since the day at the hospital.
-why not?
-I don’t want to keep hurting her, she said no
-She also said she loves you
-Yeah
- So maybe, not all is lost. Maya, you love each other, we all seen it, you are special together, so maybe she needed some time to heal, that doesn’t have to mean she doesn’t want you never again.
-But she...
-Maya Bishop, are you going to surrender and let go without a try?
Maya looked at her friend again like trying to unveil something, not sure what it was yet – you may have a point
-I'm sure I have, but now, let's go! Andy stands up and give a hand to Maya, clearly weaker than how she is.
-Where?
- You are clearly not in shape for captains' duty right now, and I am going to take you home and make sure you eat and sleep, Jack can handle the rest of the shift. Grab your things, I'll meet you outside.
---
Maya had slept almost twelve hours when Andy sat in the bed wakening Maya with the movement –Hey! How are you felling?
Maya stretches her arms up her head –uhm, better, I think. I have a headache, maybe I'm dehydrated for all the crying.
-Here, eat! Said Andy handling a sandwich to her friend- let me bring you water and a Tylenol
-Andy its ok, I...
-I'm not living until you eat- cuts Andy before Maya says anything- so, if you want me to leave you better start eating, mija!- making Maya grin.
----
Today was her day off. She hatted so much days off right now. She was bored as hell, bored of crying, of thinking, of counting spots in her ceiling. She needed a break from all this, so she decided to take a walk. Thus, taking advantage of the apex of will she felt, Carina woke up, took a shower, put on some jeans, shirt and her snickers and ran out before she could change her mind.
It was a nice day, Carina went to the coffee shop she likes the must, bought her usual espresso and some breakfast to go, deciding to eat at the park. She was enjoying her bagel as much as the sun in her face, and for the first time in the past few days she felt calm.
It was getting a little chill, when Carina's phone buzz. She reads Maya's name and chill turns into cold. She didn't answer, not because she didn’t want to, but because she was freeze. Seconds later she received a text:
Hey! I try to call, I guess you don’t want to talk to me, I get it. I know I messed up terribly, and I'm so sorry, but Carina, I love you and I meant what I said. I'm ok spending my days trying to convince you to trust me again. So, this is me, telling you that you deserve all and I'm going to wait as long as it takes, cause’ I want a future with you, I want us.
She must read the message a hundred times. All the safeness, and the caring, and the value Maya make her feel, it was overwhelming... without noticing Carina's feet took her to their spot. They came here in their first official date and became their go to spot when having breakfast after long shifts. Carina sat on the bench, eyes closed, taking all in, when suddenly felt the warm of a jacket, the warmth that only the smell of love can give her.
-Ciao- she said holding to the jacket, not turning around.
-Hi, sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you, uhm I was coming here to, uhm, I just wanted to feel closer to you, didn’t expect you to be here. Anyway I saw you shaking when I was walking here, I thought you were cold...its ok, you were here first I'll go if you want to...
-I wasn’t cold
-Sorry...
-No, I mean, I was shaking, but not that cold...I... I received your text
-Oh! Maya didn’t know what to do, she was standing behind the bench, not wanting to invade Carina's space without a sign.
-Come sit with me bella, the cute name slipping naturally
Maya did what was told gaining a new shred of hope with those two syllables. They sat there, in silence, just taking each other presence as a comforting gift. Carina couldn’t resist anymore, more precisely didn’t want to resist anymore, as much as she would like not to feel like this, she couldn’t deny that even with everything that had happened Maya make her feel safe. Accepting it she rested her head on Maya's shoulder.
Maya felt a tear running her cheek, she didn’t move at all fearing Carina may back away from her. When she felt Carina’s breathe getting heavier, she realized the Italian was asleep. Tha park was getting darker, and Maya was cold and her arm started tickling. She moved slowly but Carina didn’t react, Maya softly called her but Carina only move to make herself comfortable in her happy place.
-Carina, wake up, we need to leave- just a snuggle as a response, making very hard for Maya to not kissing her. An idea occured to her, not knowing if it was too much, but worth the try.
-Can I get you home? Another snuggle- I´ll take that as a yes. She carried Carina to her own car not knowing where she had parked; she realized the Italian lost weight when she laid her at the car sit. Maya locked the seatbelt and made sure Carina’s keys were at her purse before driving her home.
Maya enters the house with Carina, again in her arms, and take her to the bedroom. She moves the duvet and sheets as she can and gently puts Carina in bed. Maya sat beside her, caressing Carina's face and putting a lock of hair behind her ear. For the first time today, Maya looked her, bags down her eyes, red nose, so tired- I'm sorry Carina, I'm truly sorry I'm the reason you feel like this. Maya stands up, she knows she can't sleep with Carina-although it’s the only thing she really wants- but also, doesn’t want to leave her alone like this. She decides for the couch and hopes Carina doesn’t get mad for that. She took out Carinas shoes and tucked her before leaving a glass of water on the nightstand and turn the lights off.