Chapter Text
Taehyung met Jimin sometime during his senior year of high school.
If there’s anyone to blame, it would be Jeon Jungkook’s fault. He would disagree, but if Taehyung were to make a list of whose fault it becomes when something happens in his life, it would look something like this:
- Jungkook
- Jungkook
- Hoseok
Hoseok made the list after he convinced Namjoon to move out of the city. He didn’t think he would ever forgive him for that; leaving two teenagers, one only in their junior year, alone in their neighbourhood. Someday Taehyung will get it, but, for now, he’s still mourning his loss.
Jungkook was responsible for both the start and what would be the end of Taehyung’s life. He hosted a party on a Saturday evening at the cusp of spring and autumn and made the mistake of inviting Taehyung. It wasn’t really a mistake, but maybe it would’ve saved him from a world of misery in the future. Or an island of happiness in his present. It’s hard to pick and choose.
Parties tend to be the opposite of Taehyung’s preferred setting – Jungkook’s bedroom and the park behind his house being his favourites – so, of course, he says no immediately. Every day he curses Jungkook for being as irresistible as he is, because he managed to compromise and soon found himself nursing a red solo cup filled to the brim with cheap beer. It’s a bit mortifying because he’s locked himself in Jungkook’s room, his safe space, waiting for the boy to come looking for him. He’d go find him on his own, but there are a lot of people down there, and while he loves Jungkook, it’s not worth the stress.
At some point or another, the cup sits alone by Jungkook’s window, and Taehyung finds himself cozy under the heavy white duvet. He doesn’t do much; just lays there and stares up at the ceiling. He’s about to text Jungkook to tell him that he’s thirty seconds away from climbing out his window when the door creaks open. It’s not Jungkook like he had expected, but, instead, a boy his age with rusty orange hair. Taehyung is sure he has never seen this boy in his life because he is certain he would remember the way his lips are calling to his own.
“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t know anyone was in here.”
The boy shuffles in his place, and Taehyung watches him like he’s going to run away if he speaks. Taehyung would understand; he was about to run away himself.
“Oh no, it’s okay! How could you have?”
“Right.”
It’s painfully awkward how Taehyung wrings the sheets in his hands as the other boy fiddles with the zippers on his red jacket. That jacket has a lot of zippers, and Taehyung wonders what they’re all for. He’s not one for new introductions, but the silence in his safe space is suffocating, so he takes it upon himself to do something. That leads to him sliding out of the bed and towards his abandoned cup. He lifts it in the boy’s direction before the shyest smile erupts on his face.
“It’s pretty bad. I’m going to pour it down a sink if you want to come?”
“Oh, sure. The kitchen is pretty crowded right now.”
Taehyung nods and steps past the boy. He leads the two of them down the hallway. “I present to you; Jeon Jungkook’s bathroom.”
“Cool. I like the rubber ducks.”
“I got those for him. He pretends to hate them.”
The boy lets out an obnoxious yet endearing, "HA," and sits himself on the bathtub ledge. Taehyung turns the tap on and washes the beer down the drain. It spirals down and down until the cup is empty and staring back at him.
“My name’s Jimin. If you wanted to know.”
Taehyung doesn’t respond at first. He’s too busy thinking Jimin Jimin Jimin and rolling it through his head a couple of times just to let it settle. Jimin.
“Taehyung.”
“Hi, Taehyung,” Jimin says, now standing and making his way to the door.
Taehyung’s eyes follow him as he goes, and he has the urge to grab his wrist. Stop him from leaving. Looking back, if he had just let him go, who knows where he would end up. Taehyung isn’t sure he ever wants to find out, no matter what, so he lets his free hand encircle Jimin’s wrist.
“Wanna come with?”
The words fell out of Jimin’s mouth like he was planning on asking all along. Maybe he was. Taehyung will never find out because he’s never going to ask, but he nods, sets the cup on the counter, and lets Jimin take them downstairs. Jungkook is here somewhere, they’re sure, but they have no idea where so they weave between bodies and out the front door.
They stumble outside, and Taehyung finds it’s so very grey out here. The sky is grey, the pavement is grey, the smoke that’s coming from Jimin’s cigarette—
“You smoke?”
Jimin lowers the stick from his lips and looks toward Taehyung, his eyes filled with guilt.
“Sometimes. Not often enough to consider it a problem.”
Taehyung hums. The lighter in his back pocket sits heavy as he follows Jimin further away from Jungkook’s house. He smokes enough to consider it a problem; he equates it to all the other problems in his life. The stress vs. the cigarettes would balance out a scale. It wouldn’t sway unsteadily at all. That’s how much he smokes. Or that’s how stressed he is. Depends on how you want to look at it.
Maybe he just smokes a lot. Maybe he’s not stressed at all. One of those is a lie; both of them are close to true at this moment.
“So, where do you wanna go?”
Taehyung looks up to the cigarette between Jimin’s fingers and then back down at his white boots. He’s not entirely sure where he wants to go. He’s not sure where it would be safe, where they could just hang out. Sure no one would know or care, but Taehyung is very much in danger and very much attracted to Jimin. He will kiss him if given the chance.
“Not sure. Do you have anything in mind?”
Jimin shrugs. He stops to put the cigarette out on the concrete and then stomps on it for good measure. He continues walking, and Taehyung itches for the box tucked away in his jacket pocket. It grazes his fingers every time he takes a step. Jimin stops again, but this time he leans against the wired fence and stares at the street.
“I don’t usually hang out with other people, I’ll be honest with you. This isn’t really my thing,” Jimin says. His words are a bit cold, but there’s a hint of sadness laced underneath them. Taehyung catches it. He’s more observant than most people think.
“It’s not mine either,” Taehyung responds with a smile and joins Jimin at the fence.
It borders the church, and Taehyung feels the thin metal burn against his jacket. Out of what Taehyung thinks is instinct (he hates this fucking church), he reaches his hand towards Jimin’s to lace their fingers. Jimin meets him halfway and pulls him further down the street; his hands are cooler than they had been earlier. Jimin doesn’t like that church either. There’s a very large group of people who do, and they won’t necessarily get along.
They walk for what feels like ages, really it’s been ten minutes, before Taehyung realizes they’re approaching his house, and they’re still holding hands. There’s a multitude of things that could happen if they go to Taehyung’s house right now. He could make a list. This is what it would look like:
- His parents won’t be home
- His parents will be home
- He’ll be chased to the ends of the earth with a gun
- He gets sent back to church
If he had to choose one, he’d gravitate towards the first option. Unfortunately for him, his parents are home as their car is still in the driveway, and Taehyung can see the tv is on in their living room. He stops Jimin from walking further and pulls him back the way they came. Jimin looks at him confused and a little bit offended when Taehyung rips his hand away.
“Taehyung?”
“Sorry. Sorry- I’m sorry. Can we—.”
Jimin toes the pavement as Taehyung fumbles over his words. He makes no move to rush him, he just waits.
“Um… Can we walk back?”
Jimin looks at him and then at his house. He sees the car in the driveway, the way Taehyung is starting to breathe unevenly and then he gets it. He gets it so much that he almost starts to panic himself.
“Of course. Okay, come, we can go back to my place if you want?”
Taehyung nods frantically, and Jimin smiles at him before spinning him around and propping himself up on his back. The brown-haired boy stumbles briefly as he tries to regain his balance and then moves in whatever direction Jimin is pointing. They spend another ten minutes like that before Taehyung’s legs start to give out, and he has to take a break. Jimin slides off his back and clings to his arm; he’s tired and therefore clingier than he’d like to admit.
“Hey, Taehyung.”
“Hm?”
Jimin grins at him; he almost looks drunk with how glossed over his eyes are. His words come out clear but slurred enough that Taehyung is a little worried. “I like your boots.”
Taehyung’s white boots that have love and peace written on them. The ones with smiley faces scattered on the sides and a tiny rainbow on one of the laces. Jimin’s staring directly at his shoelaces, and Taehyung thinks that has to mean something. Maybe it does because somehow Jimin has him pressed up against this stupid fence again, and the metal is searing into his back.
“Thanks. I made them myself.”
“Cute.” Jimin’s head tilts, and the jewellery hanging from his ear bumps against his neck. “Can I kiss you?”
It’s probably a little unholy to kiss against the fences of a church. Even more so when you’re two gay kids who would certainly get chased down if anyone found out. Taehyung isn’t thinking about that right now, he’s more concerned with Jimin’s lips and how they met less than two hours ago. The sounds coming from one of them, God knows who, are definitely unholy, so Taehyung pulls away and pokes fun at Jimin’s pout.
“Not here.”
Jimin sighs so dramatically but pulls Taehyung in the direction of his house anyway. Taehyung learns that it’s only another five minutes, so they live closer than he would've known. He wonders why they’ve never met before. He’ll have to ask him at some point. After they’ve finished exploring the ins and outs of Taehyung and Jimin. Or something more poetic than that.
They arrive at a house that makes Taehyung feel ashamed of his own, but then he remembers how his home life is, so he’s ashamed either way. Jimin is frantic in how he unlocks the door, and Taehyung laughs into his hand at the way he struggles. When he finally succeeds, Jimin drags Taehyung into the space and presses him against the door. He’s efficient; he’s managed to close the door and turn Taehyung’s body into mush. Taehyung is melting.
Kissing Park Jimin properly is not at all like what Taehyung expected. For one, he’s far gentler than he imagined him to be because yes, he’s been thinking about it in the hour they’ve known each other. Not to say he expected him to be rough, but maybe he was fair in assuming the boy with the pushed-back orange hair and the ripped beyond belief black jeans would bite a little more.
“I hate that church, you know.”
Taehyung looks at him. There’s a slight dent on Jimin’s bottom lip because Jimin may not bite, but Taehyung sure does. He thinks about them, and now none of what they’re doing is allowed. With that in mind, he leans in to kiss Jimin again, ignoring the bitter ache in his chest. It’s going badumdumdumdummm, and it’s more irritating than anything.
That weekend, Taehyung spends his time in Jimin’s bed; all he does is sleep. He and Jimin move around the space all domestic like they’ve known each other for years. Jungkook calls him the morning after his party to make sure he’s alive and then bursts out in laughter when Taehyung mentions Jimin. He doesn’t calm down until Jimin takes the phone and tells Jungkook to “leave my baby alone.”
He has a lovely weekend. Him and Jimin, who lets him make mac and cheese, and then they sit at the table and eat it right out of the pot. They kiss in Jimin’s bed because they can before they pass out together underneath the sheets. It’s comfortable here. It makes Taehyung feel dizzy to be this at ease.
-
Taehyung comes to learn that Jimin is an enigma of sorts. There’s that psychological thing where after you see something, you start to see it all the time. After a while, you begin to wonder if they’ve always been there or if the universe is trying to mess with you. Taehyung thinks someone is trying to mess with him.
Jimin is in none of his classes, but he’s been sitting with Taehyung and Jungkook at lunch every day since Monday. Jungkook prods at Taehyung’s shoulder with the blunt end of his fork when he spots Jimin exiting the building. Most of their classmates choose to eat inside, but the weather is still nice, so these three will savour it while they can. Jimin saunters, saunters, over to them with his green jacket and his orange hair and tosses his legs across Taehyung’s lap.
“I was eating.”
“Cute,” Jimin says and pops one of Taehyung’s strawberries in his mouth. Red juice coats his lips. and Taehyung has to bite down on his cheek. Hard.
He really wants to kiss him.
“So. Who wants to tell me what happened?”
Jungkook rips a handful of grass out of the ground and wields it like a weapon, neither Taehyung nor Jimin are phased, but they think about their answers anyway. It’s Wednesday, and Jungkook has been holding off on asking. Partly because Jimin would probably tell him off for bothering his beloved or something and because he enjoyed seeing Taehyung’s eyes light up again.
“Well—”
“Cut the bullshit, Tae.”
Taehyung looks at Jungkook like he’s grown five heads; he counts before he responds just to make sure and frowns.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Kook.”
Jimin is listening, Taehyung knows he is, but he’s busying himself with the strawberries. His cheeks are puffed up from how he’s packed them in.
“You and Jimin. What’s up with that?”
“I’m still here, you know,” Jimin says through a mouthful of strawberries.
Jungkook flashes a grin in his direction and directs his question to him, “Yes, and so, do you want to tell me?”
“It’s nothing you have to worry about, Jungkook.”
There's no animosity between Jungkook and Jimin. If anything, they’re rather good friends half the time, but they don’t run in all the same circles. Jimin lives on his own; he fends for himself. Jungkook lives on his own too, but his parents are rich. They’re so rich that if Jungkook wanted to, he could run this whole school to the ground. Lucky for them, he doesn’t want to. Lucky for them, people have forgotten exactly how wealthy he is, even if he is the one for parties. Sometimes Taehyung forgets just how different Jungkook and Jimin seem to live; it just doesn’t cross his mind.
“Considering where we’re living, I think I’m allowed to worry.”
Jimin fishes his cigarette box out of his jacket pocket. Taehyung involuntarily reaches for his lighter; his hand pauses at Jungkook’s focused hum. Smoke fills his nose anyway because Jimin has his lighter out, and his lips are wrapped around a cigarette.
“Worry all you want. We’re safe.”
“Yeah, for now.”
Taehyung’s brows knit together. “What does that mean?”
Jungkook shakes his head and jabs his fork into his thermos. “Nevermind, it’s nothing. Just be careful, okay?”
Jimin drops his head against Taehyung's shoulder as he inhales and swirls the smoke around with his tongue before he releases it into the air with an O shape. He hums in promise to Jungkook, inhaling once more. Taehyung nods because, of course, they’ll be careful and drops the last strawberry in his mouth.
When the bell rings sometime later, Jimin puts the cigarette out and moves to his feet. Jungkook leaves with a curt goodbye and a warning glance at Taehyung; he’s just protective, and Taehyung gets it. It’s still very grey out here, but Jimin looks around the courtyard before he presses a smokey kiss to his jaw and then leaves himself. That’s the last time he makes any kind of contact with Taehyung until the weekend. Weekends are safe. Taehyung doesn’t need to go home on the weekend; he can stay with Jimin.
The Monday prior, at the tired hour of six am, he rolled out of Jimin’s bed to go home. It took a while because Jimin clung to him like a koala and kept leaving feathery kisses across his shoulders. When he finally, albeit sadly, stepped out the front door, Jimin connected their lips and kissed him like they would never kiss again. It was fair; they might not.
He pulled himself out of Jimin’s embrace and forlornly walked towards his house. His house was devoid of Jimin and comfort. In his house he doesn’t make mac and cheese on the stove. He gets lucky if he can be around the first floor at all; he treads oh so lightly at all times. When he arrives, his footsteps are light because a car is parked in the driveway and judging from the worn-down boots by the door, his dad is home.
It’s not that his dad, his parents, are awful all the time. They’re just co-existing with him as people who never wanted a kid in the first place. In the grand scheme of things, taking that and mixing it with their rampant anti-gay monologues is not the best for Taehyung. Hence the rapid turnaround two nights before. He wonders sometimes why they keep him around; he contributes nothing to their household and spends most of his time out or in his room. They berate him for not coming home but don’t care when he doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense. It gives Taehyung shelter, though, so he digresses.
From Monday through to Friday morning, he wakes up in his own bed. Each day he counts the hours to lunch for Jimin, right down to the ring of the bell on Friday. Fridays come to be his favourite days because Fridays mean Jimin’s hands and Jimin’s hold and no more treading lightly for a bit.
And so you learn that two months go by fairly quickly when you spend them hiding in locked rooms and empty stalls.
Jimin's lips and his delicate, always so delicate, touch become engraved in Taehyung’s mind in less time than that. They don’t put a label on their kisses, on their special moments because putting labels on things makes them real. Making this real would mean dealing with very real problems that could manifest very fast.
“Taehyung.”
There’s no move made from either Taehyung or Jimin to separate. Taehyung really does not like kissing the orange-haired boy in the quiet of their school’s bathroom, but that’s where all the secrets happen – take the carving on one of the stall doors about some romance between KSJ and MYG, for example – so what better place is there?
“Hey, I have to go now.”
A hum escapes Taehyung’s throat as Jimin leaves a final kiss on his cheek and redoes his tie. Taehyung may or may not have tugged it loose as soon as they arrived. Jimin pokes his tongue between his teeth before he swings the bathroom door open, and Taehyung takes note of the way his figure stiffens as he walks out.
Taehyung has gotten to know Jimin in a way that he’s never gotten to know anyone else before. He can’t say he understands his brain or the thoughts he has but just won’t share, but he’s learned his body language. There’s the way he’s relaxed and pliant with Taehyung. Only with Taehyung does he lets himself be held. Everyone else sees him taut and cold; even Jungkook hasn’t cracked his surface. Taehyung doesn’t necessarily think that Jungkook wants to. Sometimes he catches them on the verge of an argument -- Jungkook having pushed too far and Jimin poking in places that he shouldn't. If he could stop them, he would, but Taehyung gave up months ago, so what good is trying anymore.
By the time he leaves the bathroom, the halls are quiet, and his phone is telling him he’s about ten minutes late for his last class. It’s earth and space science, and he doesn’t really care too much, so he lets his feet pull him toward the back of the school, where he waits for the next hour. The cigarette dangling between his lips is bound to get him expelled, but again, he doesn’t care and follows the smoke with his eyes. He watches it fade into the sky and then inhales more. It goes in grey, out grey, mixes with grey, repeat.
That’s how Jimin finds him and how he mixes his lips with the grey released from the back of Taehyung’s throat. It’s dangerous what they’re doing; it’s not good for them at all. Not the smoke, never the smoke. It’s their location. It’s the danger that their touches bring. Taehyung holds his cigarette out away from Jimin, not wanting to burn him or his clothing, as the other pulls him impossibly closer.
“If you’re just going to hold it there.” Jimin pauses to draw Taehyung’s hand to his lips. “At least finish it.”
Jimin inhales the last of the stick and then stomps it out on the concrete. Taehyung rolls his eyes and kisses Jimin’s collarbone before making his way towards the front of the building. He’s very much aware of the way he smells like smoke and waves Jungkook off when he asks where he’s been. Jimin smirks into his shoulder, and the heat burns into his back up until they part.
-
Sometimes Jimin will disappear for days at a time. He always comes back with tired eyes, but he always comes back, so Taehyung resolves to never ask. One day he comes back and, having memorized the work schedule of his parents, drags Taehyung down the street and into his empty home. Between the click of Jimin shutting the door and then the tug on his sweater from Jimin’s hands, Taehyung notices how cold it is.
“Jimin?”
Jimin knows Taehyung better than anyone could ever say they did. If Namjoon knew Taehyung, if Jungkook knows Taehyung, Jimin knows him better. He shuts him up with a kiss and ignores the way his hands are icy from the temperature.
Taehyung, reluctantly, pulls himself away. He speaks with his eyes cast downward. “Jimin, it’s freezing.”
“I know,” Jimin says, reaching out for Taehyung.
As much as Taehyung would love more than anything to continue what Jimin had started, he’s concerned by the lack of heat in Jimin’s house. He steps back once more and looks around for the thermostat. Jimin watches him, eyes dark and shadowed by fear and sleep, as he moves around the living room.
“Tae, baby.”
Taehyung turns to find Jimin twisting his fingers under his sleeves. “Hm?”
“Heat’s not working. Had to go see Yoongi. He said it’ll be fixed soon.”
“Oh!”
Taehyung hasn’t a clue who Yoongi is, but he’ll trust him because Jimin does. Jimin, who is sitting alone on his couch, probably waiting for Taehyung to join him. He’s thinking again; there’s something weighing heavy on his mind that Taehyung is going to ask about. He’s almost certain Jimin won’t answer, but he finds there’s no harm in trying this time. In the way he steps over to the boy, light and cautious like Jimin will startle, Jimin understands him.
“Come sit faster. ‘M cold.”
“Impatient.”
Jimin pouts at him and only smiles when Taehyung sits so he can drape his legs over his lap. They shuffle around until somehow Jimin is wrapped around Taehyung’s torso, again like a koala, and then he’s laying on his stomach.
“That can’t be comfortable,” Taehyung says.
“If you would lay down with me, I bet it would be.”
“If you say so.”
They find themselves sprawled out on Jimin’s small couch, Taehyung pressing all the warmth he can into Jimin. Granted, he’s not doing a very good job because his body is frozen as well, but it’s the thought that counts. He’s halfway asleep as Jimin tries to collect his thoughts. Jimin thinks loud; he thinks with his whole body. Taehyung can hear the wires untangling and connecting and then looping together all over again.
“What do you do when I’m gone?”
“Are you assuming my life revolves around you?” Taehyung asks, playful.
“Tae,” Jimin says with a frown.
“Kidding.” Taehyung threads his fingers through Jimin's hair. “I wait for you to come back.”
“Really?”
Taehyung’s movement stops, only to continue when Jimin nudges his hand with his head. He reminds Taehyung of a cat in how he moves.
“What else would I do?”
Jimin is mumbling his replies into the fabric of Taehyung’s sweater. “I dunno. Maybe you have plans.”
“Who would I have plans with?”
“Your secret boyfriend, maybe. Or Jungkook.”
Taehyung laughs at the thought that he’d ever find a boyfriend here. Let alone someone that wasn’t Jimin. “No secret boyfriend. Just you.”
“Just me?”
“Always you. Only you.”
Jimin nods. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay,” Jimin repeats.
“Okay!” Taehyung smiles, all shy and boxy like when they first met. “Can we stop saying okay?”
Jimin laughs into his chest. “Okay.”
-
If Taehyung had to make a list to describe how he was feeling one month after that, it would look something like this:
- Awful
- Dizzy
- Nauseous
Short but concise, just how he likes them. His current state is a product of the tirade his father is delivering downstairs. Something about gay people, not that those are the words he used; his vocabulary is a bit viler than Taehyung’s. Taehyung has heard this spiel countless times, but it’s a bit different when the reasoning is his childhood best friend turned rapper who’s apparently been gay this whole time.
So, awful because this is how he found out. Dizzy because his window won’t fucking open. Nauseous because he’s going to be dead by association. Rampant footsteps are coming up the stairs, the angry voice getting louder with each step.
“Come on, please—”
The window shifts up with a pop, and Jimin pulls him out of the room. He slams it shut before helping Taehyung down the roof and onto the front lawn. Jimin explains as he runs them down the street, “I was at Jungkook’s. You could hear the shouting from the church.”
That has to be one of the most embarrassing things Taehyung has ever heard. He doesn’t zero in on the fact that Jimin was hanging out with Jungkook, but rather the way he’s still really dizzy, and all this running isn’t helping.
“Jimin- Jimin, slow down.”
“Sorry, baby.”
Jimin slows as they pass the church and drops Taehyung’s hand. Force of habit, he supposes. The walk to Jungkook’s, not Jimin’s this time, isn’t filled with small-talk. The silence is louder than it should be, and Jungkook opens the door before they can even knock. He ushers them inside and has a fresh mug of cocoa sitting on the coffee table next to two empty bottles of beer.
Jungkook speaks first, hesitant but seeking confirmation, “Did he find out about Joon?”
Taehyung nods. He gulps down a breath. “He sure fucking did.”
There are millions of questions going unasked around the room right now. Why didn’t Taehyung know? Did Jungkook know? Is that why he left? Why did he leave him? Why didn’t they all go together? Taehyung doesn’t bother asking. Jungkook will refuse to answer. Jimin sits silently holding Taehyung’s hand.
“Are you okay, Tae?”
Taehyung doesn’t respond to Jimin’s words. Instead, he breaks down, and Jimin only rubs comfort into his hair. Taehyung’s face is sheltered in his lap so he does what he can. Jungkook moves upstairs, whether to give them privacy or what (no one is really sure), leaving Jimin and Taehyung alone on the sofa.
He’s not mad at Namjoon. He could never be mad at Namjoon. He thinks he’s starting to get it, but if he said it hurts less now, he would be lying. Taehyung isn’t sure how he’s meant to react when he finds out that his best friend is a rapper now and is opening up to write songs about his sexuality. He will forever be supportive of him and who he is as a person, but would it have killed him to let him know? Maybe. He might never find out.
Jungkook whispers something to Jimin that has the latter moving himself and Taehyung upstairs. They find Jungkook’s bed made up of different sheets, his having relocated to the spare bedroom. Taehyung is still crying in Jimin’s arms, and Jungkook looks at him like he wishes he could help. Jimin bets he probably could.
“Baby, lay down.”
Taehyung complies, cheeks damp and flushed red. He’s so tired. Tired of being left out. Tired of being in the dark. Jimin holds him tight like he would fall apart if he lets go again. He might; Jimin doesn’t want to find out. Holding him at a time like this, when Taehyung is vulnerable, makes him realize just how close they’ve gotten. How much further they’ve gone from just kissing in the privacy they held close to their chests. He holds him and whispers reassurance into his hair like he’s made to do it.
“‘Min?” Taehyung whispers, his voice so soft that Jimin almost misses it.
“Mm?”
“Can we sleep?”
Jimin inhales the scent of smoke and wildflower and kisses Taehyung’s forehead three times over. “Whenever you want.”
“Okay.”
Taehyung tucks his legs around Jimin’s and falls asleep then and there. Jimin smiles sadly at him and kisses his cheek because he can. “Goodnight, Taehyung.”
And from his position in the dream world, Taehyung responds in a daze, “G'night- ‘Min.”
-
It takes a while for Taehyung to go home after that. He doesn’t go to school and doesn’t leave Jungkook’s house until Jimin comes to get him one day and moves him into his own home. One week goes by before any talk of RM, the apparent gay boy from their city who raps now, falls out of the news. Taehyung listens to his music and watches all his interviews still; he’s his biggest fan. Jimin learns a lot about Namjoon from Taehyung’s stories and grows to appreciate him; he starts to look up to him a little.
Namjoon talks about the struggles of growing up in a homophobic town, and eventually Taehyung tells Jimin how he responded to his own coming out. Namjoon was the best friend he could’ve asked for. He would sit on the swings with Taehyung and talk about philosophies that he didn’t understand. Taehyung could show him a blade of grass, and he’d delve into the concept of humanity and how all living things are given a purpose, no matter how small they may be.
His coming out was underwhelming considering how nervous he had been. Jungkook didn’t care. He said, “congrats!” and turned back to his math package. Hoseok smiled at him, almost like he understood, and prodded Namjoon to respond. Namjoon didn’t say anything. For what seemed like the longest time, Taehyung thought he hated him. Like maybe he didn’t love him anymore.
Namjoon showed up at his house one day and dragged him out to the swings with nothing but a puffed-up dandelion in his hand. It’s often that Taehyung doesn’t have much to say; it’s different when he’s in the midst of thinking his best friend hates him.
“Have you ever thought about the life cycle of a dandelion?”
Taehyung toes the wooden chips below him. He makes a little divot. “No.”
“It’s like a whole universe.”
Namjoon holds the plant in front of his face and blows. The seeds disperse, and one sticks to Taehyung’s pant leg.
“The seeds are like the stars. The fluffed up bit is like the moon,” Namjoon says. The stem falls beneath the swing as he lets go to point at the hill beside them. It’s grassy and painted yellow by the dandelions.
“The yellow flower is the sun.”
Taehyung looks up at Namjoon. He’s confused. “What does all that mean, Joon?”
Namjoon smiles at him, his dimples cratering his cheeks. “The moon revolves around the sun, and the sun lives amongst the stars. They all make up something much bigger than themselves.”
“You’re bigger than this place, Taehyung.”
Taehyung shakes his head. “I’m not- I’m not following.”
“I love you, okay?
“I love you too, but—”
“In the grand scheme of the universe, we’re bigger than who we are now. We revolve around the sun and who we are, but we’re meant for bigger things. Meant for something better.”
Taehyung finds out that Namjoon is going to Seoul with Hoseok a couple of days after he comes out. Never mad at Namjoon; he was happy for him. Namjoon is going to do big things he’s sure. He doesn’t know what, but he has so much faith in him.
-
When Jimin finally convinces Taehyung to go back to school, they don’t show up until lunch. Jungkook is sitting in their spot, getting a headstart on his work for the next day and popping grapes into his mouth.
Jimin and Taehyung shared a cigarette that morning and then got distracted because Taehyung was smoking shirtless out the window, with nothing but the sun dusting his skin, and Jimin, still half-asleep, wandered up to him wrapped in his duvet. He finished it off before pulling Taehyung back to bed, where they fell asleep through their morning classes.
It takes longer for him to head back to his own bedroom because his dad is fucking crazy, and he doesn’t have a death wish. He’ll walk by the house just to gauge how he’s feeling and if he can hear shouting, he turns back around. He doesn’t step into that house for another week. When he does? It’s like he was never gone; no one even noticed.
-
Eventually party season comes back in full force, and so, Jungkook’s house is filled to the brim every weekend with more people than Taehyung has ever seen. This time, just like last time, he’s sitting in Jungkook’s room against his bed when Jimin walks in.
“Hi,” Jimin says. He walks over to Taehyung and drops into his lap.
Taehyung takes his drink from him. “Hi.”
“You always disappear at these things.”
“Mmm. I never want to be here.”
Jimin relaxes against his chest and stares out the window. He often wonders how Jungkook can stand to live so close to the church. It haunts him. Taehyung’s grip around him tightens, and he feels his breathing slow; he’s calm.
“Here, let me up.”
Taehyung reluctantly lets Jimin go and sets the bottle down beside him. He’s still looking out the window when the room darkens, and he hears a thud come from behind him.
“Did you just trip?”
Jimin scoffs and situates himself back on Taehyung’s lap to face him. “Shut up.”
“Okay, so why are we in the dark?”
“Now we’re not here. It’s just us.”
Taehyung rolls his eyes and plants a kiss on Jimin’s lips, Jimin falling soft as he does so. Jimin’s hands splay on Taehyung’s chest and intermittently grasp the fabric of his shirt. Taehyung still finds that kissing Jimin is nothing like he thought it would be and decides it’s just as exhilarating every time they do it. The frame of Jungkook’s bed digs into his back as Jimin melts further under his touch. His hip nudges the beer bottle, and Taehyung shifts them both over with as much strength as a senior in high school can (it’s not a lot; they don’t move very much).
Jimin keeps moving around on his lap, and Taehyung thinks he’s going to lose his mind if he doesn’t stop. His hands drop from his waist to hold his thighs still, and Jimin’s words are slurring into his mouth.
“Bad… bad spot, Taehyungie.”
“Hm?”
Taehyung’s face drops against the orange-haired boy’s neck, where he starts leaving marks up and down his skin. Jimin’s hands, still delicate, are wandering up and down Taehyung’s torso, torn between holding still and travelling his figure. Both of their minds are consumed by nothing but stay stay stay.
The bass from the music playing downstairs is sending vibrations up through the floor, and it’s not until it grows quieter and Jungkook knocks on his own door that they separate. Their lips are swollen, and Jimin’s neck looks like a canvas stained with reds and purples. The skin under Taehyung’s shirt is raw and scratched from Jimin’s nails which had found their place twenty minutes prior.
“You two are absolutely disgusting.”
Jimin rolls off his lap and lifts the room temperature beer to his lips. His face scrunches up as it slides down his throat. Taehyung looks back at Jungkook with a guilty smile; Jungkook doesn’t buy it.
“Sorry, Kook.”
Jungkook glares at both of them. “Please never make out in my room ever again.”
“Oh, shut up, Jungkook,” Jimin says teasingly as he pulls Taehyung up.
The two wave goodbye to Jungkook and wander through the quiet house until they see the grey outdoors. The breeze they’re met with pushes their hair out of their faces and urges the bruises on Jimin’s neck to make themselves known.
“You’re crazy, Tae.”
Taehyung bumps his shoulder against Jimin’s. “Isn’t that something?”
“You’re the worst.”
“Your adjectives for me are very fun.”
Jimin picks up his pace to match Taehyung’s. “Just keep walking.”
Taehyung points out that he never stopped walking and breaks into heavy laughter when Jimin smacks him in the back of his thigh.
-
Jimin disappears again one day and comes back with two jackets; one pink and one teal. They’re littered with pins, and when Jimin passes Taehyung the pink one, he takes a moment to just… take it all in.
“You can change the pins if you want. I just picked some that I thought you’d like.”
Taehyung looks at the peace pin and catches Jimin staring at his boots.
“Peace seems to be your thing,” Jimin states.
“Don’t say that.”
Jimin shrugs his green jacket off and replaces it with the teal one. There’s a Batman pin and the words PEACE and LOVE written on his sleeve. He must’ve spent ages looking for all these pins; Taehyung’s never seen so many in his life.
“Peace boy, my boy.”
“Stop it.”
Jimin pulls Taehyung towards him and fishes his phone out of his pocket. Taehyung protests as Jimin manages to unlock it and snaps a photo of them. Jimin is smiling brightly at the screen while Taehyung pouts at him. It’s cute. The orange one sends it to the other and pulls him to sit on the bed. Taehyung is confused as to what’s going on, but he goes along with it anyway.
“Wanna play charades?” Jimin asks.
“Why would we play charades?”
“Because it’s fun, why else?”
Taehyung shrugs and gestures for the other boy to start. Jimin points to a pin on his jacket of a cat, and Taehyung tilts his head in response.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to tell me the word like that.”
Jimin shakes his head. He starts gesturing to Taehyung to keep guessing the category.
“Um. Animals?”
Jimin nods enthusiastically and begins to move his arms around almost in a wave-like fashion. Taehyung has no idea what’s going on still, but he starts taking guesses. His first one,
“Squid?”
And then his correct one,
“Oh! An octopus.”
When Jimin nods, Taehyung rolls his eyes. He thought it would be more difficult. Jimin pulls Taehyung back to his feet, and they swap places, much to Taehyung’s dismay.
“I’m not good at charades.”
“Shh. Just try it.”
Taehyung stands thinking quietly before his eyes light up with an idea. He holds out two fingers and switches it to one after Jimin nods in understanding. The first word has him attempting to act as if he was driving a car. He stops, pretends to turn it off, and then steps out. Jimin furrows his eyebrows, but he waves Taehyung to try the second word.
The second word confuses Jimin a bit more because all Taehyung does is put his hands together to make a heart. He smiles at Jimin all boxy again, and Jimin doesn’t get it.
“Park?”
Taehyung nods.
“Okay… park heart?”
Taehyung shakes his head. He points to himself,
“You?”
He’s met with another nod, and then he recreates the heart,
“Your heart?” Jimin sits on the bed repeating the words to himself over, and over until it clicks in his head.
“Tae.”
Taehyung beams at him, the sun present in his smile.
“Your love?”
Another nod, this time Taehyung’s eyes are sparkling.
Jimin shakes his head like he can’t believe the boy in front of him. “Park Jimin?”
Taehyung’s response comes in the form of him tackling Jimin backwards onto the bed and Jimin laughing into his shoulder. He giggles as he attempts to push the boy off of him, and when he can’t, he gives up with contentment.
“You’re ridiculous, Taehyung.”
“You’re the one that wanted to play pretend.”
Jimin scoffs. “Charades, not pretend."
Taehyung doesn’t reply to him. Instead, he presses a short kiss to his hair and then pushes himself up to leave the room. His craving for food outweighs his desire to fall asleep with Jimin right now. Just this once. As he leaves, Jimin lays alone thinking about him. They’ve gotten really close; it’s almost scary to him. His thoughts scatter when Taehyung calls up the stairs to tell him he made soup and that if he doesn’t come down it’ll all be gone. Taehyung makes really good soup, so Jimin runs out of the room and almost trips in the process.
-
In the months after that, they’re been connected in a way that no one else could understand. Taehyung finds a constant in Jimin. His days turn gradual from grey to blue, just little pops of colour, little differences in tones. He spends his time in Jimin’s house, in the comfort of the home of someone he's grown dear for.
It’s still grey outside when he rings Jimin’s doorbell. March is ending, bringing April in with a rush of rainfall and winds stronger than usual. Jimin hasn’t come to class recently, which isn’t anything new, but Taehyung misses him and his lips where he found home.
He stands outside, dressed in his white boots and his pink pin jacket, with his bag full of boxed mac and cheese and the cola cans he got from Jungkook. When the first hour goes by, and he’s still on his doorstep, his face becomes run over with sadness, and he starts his walk back to his parents’ house. It’s quiet without Jimin. He misses his colour.
For the next three days, Jimin’s absence doesn’t worry him. It’s after the first week and then the second that he grows concerned. He’s never been gone this long. He always comes back. Taehyung tries his phone every day, “Hey, ‘Min? It’s Taehyung. Just wondering if you’re okay? Call me back!” and checks his house after school to no avail. And then Jungkook meets him one day and,
“I think he might be gone for good.”
What Taehyung learns almost unfairly is that people like Jimin and Namjoon don’t stay.