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I have always this nagging feeling since my wedding with Heedo 19 months ago that she never actually in love with me. I know that was useless, but it was always be the last block in this marriage. Her family said that she was always a positive girl, the type that never give up before getting what she wants. I doubt it. We argue, then she just left, like give up, and she’ll back again as if nothing happen but also grayer than before, if its even possible. Every single time.
I know now, that it was an understatement.
She never loves me, she just like the idea of me, of someone that will be there for her whenever she need it. I don’t know if she ever like me even.
It was just that I don’t really know the reason why. I think somewhere deep I know, maybe she said that to me before and it buried deep behind my subconscious mind.
I know now, that it may be true.
It was because in this marriage there’s always me, Heedo, and the ghost.
And I know now the ghost who haunted her, living with her in her mind and even heart’s shadowy part, always present, but not always be seen. Watching her every moves, leaving trace everywhere in her life, devouring her every emotion as if it has a claim of her that I don’t have. Worse thing is, I think she give it full permission. Which left me with only a shell of her.
And I know now what’s her ghost’s name is.
Baek Yijin.
***
I wait for Heedo in the dimmed light of our penthouse. Minchae is sleeping since some two hours ago. She was peaceful in her cheerful mood when my mother in law drop her by the house since Heedo will be home from San Fransisco from Olympics. She doesn’t know what’s to come to her parents. I believe this is the best for the three of us. I believe this is the best for both of them.
I knew the reason, and I cant keep us imprisoned with this marriage.
Even if it will probably destroy me. Who innocently love a woman, said her that I will give my everything to make her happy, to love her and cherish her all my live.
I promise her, didn’t i? This is just part of it. I convinced myself.
I didn’t even realized that said woman never actually said it back. Only smile and a gaze that I now understand the meaning of it.
A relief and trust that she will never be alone again.
An acceptance about my present in her life.
But it was never love.
How naïve of me.
The door open and I hear her sigh while she pull her well used carriage that I think it was once a bright red. The lights are lit up automatically. And there she is, she look tired but I also can see that she’s more troubled that usual. She doesn’t look like an Olympian who just won her third Gold Medal. No, nothing like what her family always describe her as. She often look tired, forcing her smile, cynical. Well maybe she is, but not in front of me.
“Hi. You wait for me? What about Minchae?” She said with that forced smile that I slowly despise. Her bags under her eyes are more prominent today, and her expression is stiffer. Why I just realized this today, I don’t know myself. But maybe because there was some big revelations that I should know but shoved it instead just so that my tiny little mind can have its temporary peace.
How naïve of me.
“Minchae is asleep. I already feed her beforehand.” I watched her, She has her back to me while she take a drink from the kitchen sink. “How’s the flight?” I need to talk her tonight. I cant keep this any longer than this or it will be much more hurt for not only us, but Minchae and our families too.
“Long. As Usual. Why you’re not sleep first? You know that I will come very late. You need to work tomorrow as well, don’t you?”
“Because I need to talk to you.”
“About what?” She approach me, looking at me with her tired eyes. I cant keep us in this void like marriage anymore. I still love her, probably will always be, that’s why I need to do this. It will be cruel, it will be too much for both of us for now. But she’ll overcome it. I know it.
Me? I don’t know. Maybe I need sometime to be in term with all this. But I know, I will be okay someday.
“Could you talk it tomorrow? I’m very tired.” She start to walk to Minchae’s room. She was never sleep with me again since about 6 months ago. I now know why, it was coincide with her ghost’s return to Seoul. When her ghost became real, breathing person that always be in our television 9 o’clock sharp in the evening. When Reporter Baek Yijin became Anchorman Baek Yijin.
I hold her hand, tug it to make her face me. She grow stiff.
I scoff, looking at her fisted hand in mine. I’m her husband, but I cant even casually touch her. How naïve of me to actually believe when she said that she needed all the preparation for Olympics, that she cant have sex with me because of her messed up hormons or something.
I now know, that I’m not the cruel one in this relationship.
“I cant. I’m sorry Heedo ya, but you have to listen to me.” I face her directly, searching her eyes. “Do you ever love me, Heedo ya?”
Flinching, she draw her hand softly and look at me, “What are you on about? Why we talk about this right now?”
I hold her gaze, searching for any sliver of hope that is never there to begin with, “Do you ever love me?” I repeat my question slowly and softly so that she don’t have any reason but to answer it.
She look at me, open her mouth, but close it again before she deep sighed, “I love you. We have Minchae together.”
She never love for who I am. I should know.
“I get it.” I brace myself, I need this, we need this, I assure myself over and over. “If we don’t have Minchae, where are we?”
A recognition in her eyes. She know that I know. And if I thought I know her, she’ll back out. “I don’t know. Probably not here.” She said it. She admit that if it wasn’t for Minchae we’ll stay as friends, and as a CEO and a brand ambassador for his products.
Turns out, I also never know the real her. It will be easier now.
“Do you want out?”
“What prompt you to ask me this?” She said with a hint of defiant, “If its because I never sleep with you anymore. I am sorry. You knew the reason.”
“Was that the only reason?”
“What do you mean?”
“Was that the only reason why you cant sleep with me anymore?”
“I don’t understand. I said it because it was true. After I have Minchae, I got so much trouble in managing my body, and it include all the hormons too. If I used protection, it will be considered as a doping if I took it prior to Olympics. If I got implant, It will messed me up even more. I am an athlete, it was different than other normal person. You knew it.”
“There is also another methods. But it was beside the point. I’m sorry Heedo ya, but we really need to be honest now. I don’t want to torture you anymore.”
She silently close her eyes, and ask, “Why?”
“I know.” She open her eyes and look at me. “I know, because you never look at me that way. Or even half of it. I know, Heedo ya.” If my tone come as accusing, I will say sorry to her someday.
She frowns again, piecing everything together, and snort, “The interview? It was just because I was surprised. That’s all.”
“Surprised? It was longing and maybe even love. I don’t know, I cant judge it, since you never give me that look. Don’t you think we pass the point of really need to be honest with each other?” I take a deep breath, “He was your ex, wasn’t he?”
“Yes. We dated for about two years. It was not anymore longer than our relationship.”
“Time doesn’t guarantee everything. You should know this. I ask again, do you ever love me like you love him?”
She hold her gaze in me, I see a light of resolve in her eyes. I think she knew that this is coming, and she doesn’t want to drag whatever this is between us any longer as well.
“No. I love you because we have Minchae together.”
“Was it a mistake?”
“No. We have Minchae, and it was never a mistake in my part.”
“Alright then. Do you want a way out?”
“Its not about me anymore. What do you want?”
“I want out.” I’m sure of this now. “I want out. If I’m out, if we’re no longer married couple, please don’t take away Minchae from me. She is my world, my only world now. That’s my wish. Of course, I know that she needs her mother the most right now but please never ban me from seeing her.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m. I am sure now that I said this. Whatever this is between us, should’ve never happened. We should’ve stayed as co-parents. Damned with society. It was our lives.”
“Okay.” I look at her closely. She’s not giving up. She just choose different things.
I know now.
“Alright. You can live here with Minchae. I’ll send all the needed documents via my lawyers. You should have a good lawyer as well. It may not end well. We should prepare for every possible scenarios.”
“I can live with my mother. It will be better anyway.”
“Then we can sell this penthouse.”
“You can live here instead.”
“I cant. It will hurt me.”
A pity in her eyes, I cant stand it. “I’m so---
“Don’t. I know that you never wanted this to happen, but it just happen. We made the decisions together. Like right now too. You don’t have anything to be sorry to me, Heedo ya.”
“Alright. Thank you.”
“Thank you too, for giving me Minchae.” I took out the luggage that I already prepared in my room since yesterday. I know that it will come to this. “Good night. Sleep, you look so tired. Good bye, Heedo ya.”
She kiss me in cheek, her eyes are misty, but there’s also relief in there, “Good bye, Kim Shin Yoon.”
***
3 years already since I said good bye to her, I only see her 1 more time in the court for our divorce. It was a mutual divorce agreements. Not the easiest and we only finish it a year and half ago. Good thing the public only aware when it was finished. She faced the backlash, I took pity on her. It was always baffling why only a woman’s side who receive a curse when we mutually ended this. I drew away all the attention that she got because of that with deliberately plummeting stock of my company and bribe the reporters that I know to chase another scandal from other celebrity. It worked brilliantly. She said thanks again, and I told her that it was my last present for her.
And It was more than 2 years since I saw my daughter. But she’ll be 5 this winter. I need to back home if want to see her regularly now. To make sure that she recognize me. It was a high time for me to actually rearrange my life and priorities.
***
Retired Athlete Na Heedo Wed Anchor Baek Yijin
It was revealed, that on 10 July 2012 3 times Olympic Gold Medalist, Retired Athlete Na Heedo (33) wed with UBS main announcer, Anchor Baek Yijin (37) in private ceremony. Their official representative said that the two newlywed are known to be old friends and even dated between 2000 until 2002 when Anchor Baek Yijin was assigned new post in New York and only reconnect recently. These two might first knew each other since when Anchor Baek was still a Sport Reporter of UBS and interviewed Athlete Na Heedo as a top national fencer athlete in 1999. No private comment from both of them, or their family regarding this event.
Meanwhile, Retired Athlete Na Heedo was only finished her divorce through mutual agreement with CEO of Royal Kim Group less than 2 years ago, with settlement agreement including splitting their property, with sole custody for their 4 years old daughter come to Na Heedo. The divorced couple have one daughter together, with property including a penthouse in one of Gangnam high end apartment that belong to Royal Kim Group. The Royal Kim Group have no comment regarding the marriage of their former first lady. Kim Shin Yoon (37), the CEO and former spouse of Na Heedo had moved to UK following their divorce and let the Royal Kim Group led by his younger sister, Kim Shin Hee (35). Na Heedo and Kim Shin Yoon had a wedding in Shila Hotel on early 2008 after the birth of their daughter. The former couple stated in their divorce agreement of mutual understanding about their differences and decided to end their short lived marriage in July, 2009, and finish their divorce trial in the end of 2010. There are no animosity between the former couple, and both of them decided to co-parents their daughter. The representative of Na Heedo also denied that there was no third party as the reason of her divorce.
We hope the happiness for all the party involved. (end)
I read the headlines in one of the newspaper that lying down in one of the airport lounge’s couch. I didn’t know about this, no one in my family bother to say anything to me regarding this. It was because I said that I don’t want anything to do with her anymore, well except things regarding to Minchae. They thought that I hated her, nothing can be more wrong than that.
I still love her so much. That my heart feels constricting because of the news. That it nearly shatter with so much jealousy and resentment to her. It was only 3 years, one and a half since our divorce, but she already move on. Wait, she never move on, that must be the reason. Turns out I only was a bum in her road that she doesn’t have choice but to pass by.
I throw away the newspaper on the bin in front of me and nearly book another ticket to London again. But I cant miss out more of Minchae. I came back because of her, and only her that matter now.
At least I can convinced myself this. At least I know I want this.
***
“Oh, hyung! Long time no see!” Said, Moon Jiwoong.
I had business matter with him. True, he is one of Heedo’s best friends, but he grew closer to me when he start his clothing business. I need to settle some of contract with him that is nearly neglected by Shin Hee who doesn’t care about anything but herself. It was tough decision to leave the business to her, but the choice was between that or make myself crazy from heartbreak. I didn’t tell this to anyone here. Well no one know, of course except my doctor.
“How’s life Jiwoong ah?” I hand him my hand for a handshake, he hug me instead.
He looks really happy to see me, this I can feel a bit of relief, at least some part of her world genuinely happy to welcome be back. “Good, actually really good. How about you?”
“Well, just like usual. How’s family?”
Before he could answer me, his secretary enter the room and give him a square packet. He smile so widely at that and open the package carelessly. His smile getting wider looking at something that look like a framed photo. He suddenly glanced at me as if only realize that I still standing in front of him, he schooled his expression and put down the framed photo backwards in his desk. It look almost like he hide something from me.
He take a deep breath and throw me his smile again, “You know, everything’s good. Yurim’s in her last trimester. The baby is a girl. I’ll have a daughter too, hyung! Not too long now!” He looks really happy, like he cant contain his raging happiness in his.
I knew the feeling.
“Congratulation. She’ll be born within this year, right? Moon Jiwoong, you’ll be father. Who expect that?”
“Yeah. I’m so happy about that. More of that, Yurim is so happy that Heedo is will be coming to her second trimester and will give birth within this year or early next year.” He blurted that out. His eyes popped realizing who’s he talking with.
I feel heavy, like that sign of panic attack before it occurred. Jiwoong know this, and run to seemingly bring me water. I approach the framed photo that he hide from me.
It is their wedding photo.
The photo where he was there too. The ghost. Only now, he isn’t ghost anymore. But it was me.
Or it was me who’s the ghost from the start?
They look so happy, with Baek Yijin hold Minchae who laughing widely that she threw back her head. Moon Jiwong In Baek Yijin’s right side with Ji Seungwan, and in Heedo’s left side is Ko Yurim who’s clearly pregnant and lean her head on Heedo’s shoulder. Baek Yijin’s hand who’s not holding Minchae circled protectively around Heedo’s stomach. It was not shown yet, but she’s already pregnant in this photograph. She looks glowing, happier than I’ve ever seen her. Like that girl from those photos that I accidently saw in her mother’s house. The carefree and happy girl that her family and friends always told me. They look like big happy family, as it should be. As the fate written them to be. They don’t look awkward at all. Fit together like the final piece of puzzle.
Even Jiwoong who I always thought my friend and will always be after my divorce with Heedo smiling wildly with his eyes shining as if saying, ‘ah, finally we’re complete!’. I don’t have anything left for me.
I hate Baek Yijin for taking all that should be mine.
***
I can finally meet Minchae today. After that revelation, I run away again. It was beyond hurtful for me. I still love her so much, that it was unbearable to actually face her world again. I came back to London, continue my therapy with my doctor. I come to term with this. I should now that this is coming. That whatever it was that I had with her was only my naivety and maybe some of it even my imagination. But I again learn to convince myself that Minchae is what matters. The choice was that I can stay in London indefinitely and miss her growth or actually be present for her as her dad. And I am her dad, no one can deny this. No one cant take this away.
Heedo text me to come to her house instead if I want to pick Minchae in the afternoon because she has prior engagement with her business partner.
I park my car in front of a house with beautiful lawn, a swing set, and a scent of roses. It was so different from that penthouse. I knew she liked to keep plants that she tore down one of the parlor and made a sunroom in our penthouse instead. It was beautiful. But this, what I see in front of me, it was like seeing her in her full bloom. Careless but beautiful, Unfit but tasteful, Reckless but Caring.
I rang the bell on the white iron wrought fence.
And I come face to face with Baek Yijin few seconds later. He smile softly at me and opening the fence for me to come in. He is slightly taller than me and he look the same as what I remember. For crazy seconds I want to punch him and erase that smile on his face.
No, I came here for Minchae, I told myself.
“I’m waiting for you. Come, lets meet with Minchae. We were in her playroom. She likes to read books. I’m sure that wasn’t come from Heedo.” I only look at him, he looks happy too, carefree and really proud of her. He said that as if a father who brag about his real daughter.
He is not, I know this.
We come in to the house. There was again a stark differences. Like I see it was two different people with contrast personalities that live in either houses. In that penthouse it was mainly just monotone with splash of grey here and there. But here? It’s full of colors, it looks so homey even with a scent of lingering homemade food in the air.
I feel so bitter.
“Minchae ya. Come here, sweetie!” He call her, “Come in. I’m sorry, it was not clean. There was her toys and books everywhere, and we haven’t time to clean these up this morning. Heedo is busy this week, she ended her contract with her usual supplier because he was a bit of an asshole. She talk to new ones.” I only force my small smile at him, “It was too long. You didn’t go to high school in Korea right?”
How can he talk about normal things baffled me, but I need this if I want to meet my daughter, “No, I went to UK. Only come back here for military enlistment, and well, my father was sick after that. So, no choice but to replace him as CEO sooner than I thought.”
“Yeah. I knew that. I think my father went to his funeral. I remember he told me about that.” He collects some of Minchae’s toys that lying around the parlor couch. “When was the last time we met? Have you go to any reunions?”
“Well, might be our middle school grad party? I don’t know, don’t remember meeting you anywhere. But I heard about your father’ unfortunate business. If it wasn’t happen, you might be like me, be your father’s heir.”
“No. I don’t think I can. And my father knew that. I always dream to be something else. Please, do make yourself comfortable. I’ll call Minchae. She’s a bit in rebelling phase these days.” He really knew her, he really talk as if she is his daughter, no trace of him actually consider that he’s the outsider between Heedo, Minchae and Me.
He go deeper into the house. I look at the unique furniture that I suspect made by Heedo. There are also indoor potted plants even the climbing one. This is a true home. Home that once was I dream too with her.
A rustling, a little girl who look like a mini version of Heedo making her way hesitantly toward me. She look behind, waiting but also throwing a curious glance at me like she doesn’t recognize me. She’s cute, with her hair in neat ponytail. She is wearing a simple tee and short pants. I smile at her and she frowns.
She really look like she doesn’t really recognize me at all.
Well, that was what I wanted to Heedo after our divorce since I cant face my little daughter with my messed up mind. I begged her to tell everything about Minchae, but I’ll come to her if I’m ready. It was my fault, I took too much time away from what should be my number one priority.
“Come, sweetie.” Baek Yijin said with his hands on her shoulder, mildly pushing her. She reach for his hands and hold it with her closely. He sit in front of me, and Minchae automatically lean on him but still curiously looking at me once in a while, “This man here, he is my friends, your omma’s too. But he’s also your papa. Don’t you remember him?”
“Papa? You are my appa.” She look at him with a little pout that look more like Heedo than before. I take a deep breather. My own daughter not recognizing me, calling a man that have everything I should’ve as her father instead. Of course, I can only blame myself who wasn’t present in her life before. But still, it couldn’t be more hurt than this.
“Then you have 2, papa and appa. I’m your appa. But this man here, is your papa. He and omma have you, gave birth to you nearly 5 years ago.”
“But why I have 2? All of my friends have 1 appa. You’re enough for me, appa.”
“Well, 2 is better than one, right? You have appa, but you also have papa. He sent you books, and some of the toys? Omma told you, right?”
“Yeah. But I think it’s silly.” I shouldn’t feel this, but i’m getting jealous, look like I’m intruding father and daughter moment. She looks really comfortable with him, leaning all her body on her even fiddling with his sleeve, keeping all of her intention on him and only throwing curious glances at me. And he looks really adore and love her. I wonder if I really have a place in her life. Was I too late?
“Its not silly at all. Imagine if you have 2 appa. When I cant accompany you, you can go with your papa instead. You can eat your favorite waffles with ice cream twice in a week, one with me, and one with papa. You can also go to amusement park twice as much. And you can have many other things double too. How incredible was that?”
“Alright, that does sound amazing. But why I only have two now? Where was he before?”
I nearly choked this is beyond hurt, but I think its more than enough that I put on sidelines in her live. “Hi, Minchae, My name is Kim Shin Yoon. You are my daughter, I am your father, see, we both have Kims as our first name. I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to be with you before. I live far away. It was a country named England, in the city of London. But I promise that I’ll be with you from now on.”
She frowns, look at me like I just said things that she find detestable, “Why?”
“Because I need to work there.”
“But why? My omma is here, appa is here, even my grandmothers, grandfathers, and all aunties and uncles are here. They work here, play with me too whenever they can. If you’re my papa, shouldn’t you do the same?”
I can do this, I can do this, I tell myself this.
I sit in the ground, leveling my eyes with her. The last time I saw her, she was a toddler who still have difficulty to say word with S on it. She grown so much, and I wasn’t there. Too busy licking my wound.
“Sometime you have to go away even though you don’t like it for a bit. The last time I saw you, you are still this tall. I never wanted to go away from you, Minchae ya. But I needed too. I’m sorry for that.”
“I’ll think about that. Omma said that you shouldn’t accept apology if you don’t really forgive the person. But I’ll think about this one. You look kind, and if appa and omma said that you’re their friend, you must be really kind.”
“Thank you.” I look at her, proud of how well Heedo raise her. She’ll be an incredible lady like her mother.
She nodded, “Why you come here this afternoon?”
“I want to know you. And maybe play with you if you like it.”
“Ok.” She come inside the house. I was left alone, I don’t even realize that Baek Yijin left us. He come again though, with a tray of refreshment.
“Minchae ya. Lets eat your snack here.”
She come running with a box of toys between her little hands. I tried to get up to help her, but she shrugs me off. Baek Yijin hand her a kid plate with a slice of carrot cake in it. She dig in with gusto after Baek Yijin scoop some for himself. She really is great kid, her manner is great too. Heedo must be proud of her every day.
After some stiff silent that either me or Baek Yijin can lighten up, she look up at me from her toys and plate, she asks, “Will I live with you now?”
“If you want to. But, your omma will be sad if you left her, right?”
“Yeah. She will be sad. Appa will be sad too. They left for vacation some months ago, and they wont leave me alone or stop calling every few hours and they also bought me a lot of things too. And when they got home, they kiss me so much, you see here is the mark from that.” She showed me her baby smooth cheek. I want to touch her so much, that my hands start to tremble, I don’t think she’ll welcome my touch at this point. I hide it with reaching for my spoon again, but Baek Yijin saw and I see that he understand it.
“Minchae ya, he really looks like he loves his carrot cake too right?”
She look at me, perked up, observing me, “I like carrot cake a lot. Yoomi said that I’m so weird when I brought carrot cake for lunch at school, she said that it is not as good as cheese cake. But I like it so much, I can eat this everyday and not bored at all. And Omma really good at making it too. She mix it with cheese too. It was always perfect, right appa?” She look up at Baek Yijin who looks like he doesn’t know what to do with me who start to have panic attack.
“I’m sorry, I need a washroom.” I cant hold my tears anymore. This is more hurt than I can even imagine. I hear her voice behind me, “Did I say something wrong?” and Baek Yijin said, “No, sweetie. Your papa only need to pee.”
I close the door quietly, let my tears pour freely. She likes book like me, she enjoy her carrot cake like me, and it was Heedo’s cake that we eat together. She never said this, but I knew that it was only because of me that she also learn to bake for any variety of sweet food with carrot in it. She is here with me, but she call and regard someone else as her true father. It should be me, it should be my life.
Oh, God. What more hurt do I need to feel before I can used to this?
I really hate Baek Yijin.
I spent some more time in their bathroom. I observe my surrounding, I can see where they put their tooth brushes, where Minchae’s toys that she left here. Heedo must scold her a lot for spending so much time in bathroom while playing. I can even imagine a possible scenario for it. Only imagine, of course, its not my life anymore.
There never only me, Heedo and Minchae to begin with.
I open the bathroom door, and Minchae sit in her little chair looking at me. She smile slightly, “I’m waiting for you. Did you hurt your stomach? You spend a loooootttt of time there.”
“Yeah, maybe I ate wrong food yesterday. Did you finish your carrot cake?”
“Yeah. Omma is home, you know? You know her? Like a school friends? Appa said you and her have me together, so you must be friends, right? She is in her room to change her clothes.” She’s a little chattering box.
There must be never dull moment in this house.
But Heedo’s here, I don’t know if I’m ready to come face to face with her again. The last time we come face to face was that night, when I left the penthouse forever with my luggage. Friend? With your ex wife, does that even possible?
I hope it is, if only for Minchae’s sake.
“Shin Yoon-ssi, long time no see.” Her voice heard softly. Its not Oppa anymore, I internally chuckle, it really funny if you think about it, she always ready to change, its me that still stuck in my imagined life with her.
I turn around and look at her. That girl on the photographs in flesh. She looks beautiful, glowing, with eyes that lighten up, easy smile and overall ease figure. She looks like a woman in love. As she should be. She look content.
She looks good in her light dress, her pregnant belly is obviously protruding. She look every bit of the girl that everyone talk about with a bit more matureness in her, and air of someone that is assured about everything in her life.
“Retirement apparently suit you so much.” I hope my bitterness isn’t too obvious.
“Is it? I still miss fencing very often. But yeah, I enjoy it. How about you?” She must know the change in my appearance. I lost weight, I look paler, I look duller and older just like my mother said to me at least twice a day.
I shrug, “I live and being busy. Still making so much money.”
She look at me like I’m daft or something, but she accept my answer for now with her nodding, “Come, lets finish the snack. Minchae ya, you should show him your ballet move.” She waddle away with Minchae in her heels and open the room that I think is Minchae’s playroom, step aside and cock her head to signal me to come over. “She started her ballet lesson a month ago. Only stopping her whining about sore legs yesterday. But I think she enjoy that. I will install a mirror in this side if she really enjoy that by the end of next month.”
“Can you do that, though?”
“I’m 3 times Olympian still. I’ll manage.”
“Can Baek Yijin do that instead?”
“He’s hopeless actually. But well, if push come to shove.” She smile kindly and make herself comfortable in one side, shoving a pillow to support her back. “How are you, really? I’m sorry about the news. I wasn’t able to block it.”
“It was surprising. But like you, I managed.” She chuckle. Is this the true version of Heedo? The Heedo that I knew from the start is someone who’s bright, yes, but she also melancholic too. She smile, but not with this much ease. She move, but not as graceful as when she was in piste or like today, be herself, a mother, a wife. She laugh, but not as free like today. “But you weren’t invited me to your wedding though.”
“I wasn’t. I thought it will be too cruel. I wanted to send you something, a news or I don’t know, just something. But I guess, it slipped. We found out we are expecting just days before wedding. It was surprising. But a great one. Hope you understand that.”
“I know, I wouldn’t come anyway. Congratulation for that. You really suit it. You really look good. How long it is?”
She blushed prettily, “Thanks. Ah, maybe you wondering. This is a twin that’s why it may look bigger when I got pregnant with Minchae. Yeah, surprising to really found you’re pregnant with a twin days before wedding. It will be 17 weeks in Monday.” There’s only Minchae’s playing sound in between us, “I never know you knew Yijin.”
“Ah, it could happen. Funny, how fate works, right? He was a classmate since in kindergarten to middle school, you know school for chaebols? We have pretty small community.”
“Right, of course.”
It easier than I thought, talk to her I mean. I thought it would crucifyingly hurt. “Heedo ya, thanks for still visiting my father’s grave, I know you did once in a year, twice this year, one was before your wedding. I was there yesterday and saw your name in it. Even my mother and sister didn’t bother to do that anymore. Thank you for that when I, as his son wasn’t able to do that these past few years.”
“Of course, it is as it should be. He was once my father in law, and will always be Minchae’s grandfather. I always brought her there. I love him, I still miss him sometime, he was like a father to me too. That, doesn’t change.” She fiddle with her fingers, “It doesn’t change for you too, you know? I will always love you. I always care for you, and I want the best for you. We couldn’t happen. But I hope someday, someday you get what you deserve, because clearly I wasn’t what you deserve and I hurt you so much.”
“I know.”
“Do you really know? Or you just said it?” She look at me with ferocity of her like when she put in her fencing gear.
“I didn’t. But I know now.” This cant end well if I spill all my guts on her with this kind of mood, I know, we should talk about this if we want something akin to normal for Minchae. Maybe someday, like what she said, someday when I can make peace with this. But not today. No, today we shouldn’t talk about these whole feeling and our relationship things “I don’t know Moon Jiwoong know Baek Yijin too.” I said after a while.
She frowns. She sigh and accept my refusal to talk that for now. “He know Yijin. Seungwan too know him, and Yurim was growing up with Yijin. Jiwoong and Seungwan knew him because we often hang out together.”
“Right, of course. I never knew that. You save that from me. You save many things from me.”
“I did, didn’t I? I just, after these 3 years, I have so much that I want to talk with you. Our break up, It was as good as a break up could ever get despite many things that involved. It was just, still I want to explain something to you. That, as much I should’ve give that to you. Shin Yoon-shi, talk to me if you’re ready to talk. I really think we should clear all this awkward air between us. Minchae deserve the best from both of us and of us. There always be us regarding to Minchae, I hope you know that.” She exhale her breath audibly, I look at her, she has the same difficulty to talk about this. For the first time ever, I see a winner mentality in her, that she need this, she know this is important for her too and she’ll get this no matter how hard it is for her or no matter how much time pass. I should really learn from her.
Before I could reply to her, Baek Yijin’s voice heard from outside of the room, “Heedo ya, I need to go for emergency news. There was a plane crash in Gimpo just few minutes ago. I’ll call you later, alright. If you need anything call me, but if you cant reach me, call my brother or Jiwoong ie. Alright?” She feels different, like ready for this kind of situation, and she tried to stand up. I hand her a hand to help her stand up, but she receive Baek Yijin’s hand instead.
Of course what was I think, I’m the outsider one here.
“Shin Yoon-ssi, I’m sorry. I really need to go. I hope we’ll reconnect properly. It was nice to meet you again. Please enjoy your time with Minchae. Don’t mind us.” Baek Yijin crouching in front of Minchae, smoothing her hair, “Minchae ya, appa need to go work. Enjoy your time, but you still need your nap, alright? I love you.” He kiss her forehead, Minchae kiss his cheek lovingly. Heedo throw me a slight smile, and go with Baek Yijin to front door. I don’t hear anything from them.
“He often go hurriedly like that. Because he was needed in TV station. He done great things, he really feel sad when there’s sad news, you know.” Minchae talk to me, but her gaze in the door as if expecting Baek Yijin to appear again. “I love him, but sometime I miss him too if he need to go suddenly like that. But there are people that need him more in this situation, people need to know the news, like the family need him to tell everyone the truth, right? I told him this, he said that I think like a big girl.” She smile proudly. I really want to cry right now, she really is like a big girl. Where is my little girl who gave me toothy grin while waving me with her hands that full of drool?
I smile at her, and softly ruffle her hair. She smile back at me and continue her playing with her puzzle that looks more complex for a 5 years old girl.
Heedo come back to her seat again. She look used to this situation.
“Was it hard?” I asked her.
She look at me and think before she answer, “Only in the beginning. I used to this. Its hard, but this is nothing compared with what we used to have?”
“Used to have?”
She bit her lip, like regretting her wording, “I mean before. Before.” Ah, before she was with me. When she dated Baek Yijin in her early 20s. “It was hard, that it drove us to fell apart. But I guess, I learn there is something harder than that.”
“Live your life without him?”
She stare at me, weighing her answer as if still need to tip toeing around me, but I see her eyes glinting light, like something akin to decide to be more of herself, “Yes. It is silly to say to you of all people, but yes.”
“He is your first love?”
Heedo hold my eyes, “My first in everything.” Conveying more than her words could.
There is a flash of memory come to me, as if something I forget myself but waiting to come to the surface when I less expected it. It was when I slept with her the first time, when she was drunk and said one word, ‘Yijin’ when she reached her climax. That time when we conceive Minchae.
Oh, My God.
I need to know more.
I faked my smile at her. “Of course, was that why you broke up with him? Because he was busy and not always been there?”
“Yeah. He was just, I don’t know. A young man who wasn’t ready to accept that some things are always bound to be beyond our responsibility. He always like that, blame himself for another people’s misery, hold himself responsible to lead other people but himself to a better place. I released him from my misery of loneliness, I guess. I was too much of coward, I don’t want him to be hurt from me anymore, easing him from one responsibility in his life. But I also didn’t want to feel like I wait for him forever. That kind of thing?”
“When was it?”
“When we broke up?”
I nod.
“Spring 2002.”
That spring, she was drunk because of she still hung up on her break up with Baek Yijin even 4 years later. Accidently slept with me and I naively thought that she finally ready to accept the whole me, when in reality she always think of someone else. It wasn’t me that day, it was Baek Yijin who in her subconscious mind that slept with her.
I could really hate him now. This is beyond what I can accept for now.
“Is he good now?” I challenged her. She look at me weirdly, I guess she’s familiar with this kind of gaze since she have it in her whole career as fencer.
And like a winner that she is, she is not backing down. Challenging me back. This is the real Heedo that I wasn’t able to know in my time with her. Now I know. Now I understand when people around her said that she changed too much when she was with me, or to be exact after her break up with Baek Yijin. “He is. He always is, it was just me that was too coward but stubborn to see that. But we learn. And this I know now, that I hurt you so much by involving you in the middle of my messed up life. But it was not a mistake, never a mistake because we have beautiful daughter together. I really hope you know that. That what I said that night, I was honest with you. And will continue to tell only the truth to you. That what you deserve from me, Shin Yoon-ssi.”
Yet, she call other man in our throes of passion. Did she remember this? I don’t think so, she never remember her drunk habit.
“He is good to Minchae, he really loves her, like she’s his daughter. But of course he knows that it wasn’t true, and sincerely want you to be in her life. I resent you for a bit because you couldn’t keep your promise to always be in her life before you came here today. She needs you too, you know? You are always her father, her only papa. I really hope you know that, and not just go without any news for months on end again. I told you, I care for you, and I want the best for you. But my priority is always Minchae. So, really for her sake. I want you to be really present in her life. Be her father.”
“Baek Yijin really loves her?” This is the most thing that I want to know the answer.
“Yes. I am really sure of that. He is always a loving man. At least, when she’s here you can rest assured that Minchae is very much loved and taken care of. Even with the new babies, it wont change at all. I know this that is why I can talk for both me and Yijin. We will not change at all. I promise you this.”
I nod, finally can take a real breath since I came here and felt all different emotions that I was too afraid to feel before. “Then that is enough for me.” That is enough reason for me not to hate him I continue that in my mind. I cant hate him after I see how he loves her and giving my own daughter love and care that I wasn’t able to give her for these past 3 years like a father should be. I cant imagine if I were to put in his position, I don’t think I can do that.
I cant and I wont hate him. That is my promise to myself.
***
“I want you to walk me to the altar, papa. I want you and appa to be in each of my sides. It will be the right thing to do. I hope you can do that for me too.” She said to me one day when she lay out her wedding plan with her longtime boyfriend, Jung Eun Seo in my office.
Of course I want that too. And I couldn’t happier. After all this time, she still welcome me in her life like a champion even when I hurt her multiple times already. Like leaving her in her early years, broken my promises to play with her because I need to build my company again to be back in its golden days so often that I couldn’t count anymore, or even just cant pick her up from her school or from her ballet academy. I broke a promise when I couldn’t see her in her competitions, because I had to go to business trip. But she always understand that.
I cant take any credit from how remarkable young woman that she is. It was all because Heedo and Baek Yijin who always present for her, teach her to be a great woman. Of course she spent some of her weekends with me, we even went to vacation just the two of us. It was just that, I’m her father, but only in that time. Not when she needs me the most, when she broken hearted because she didn’t win in some competitions, or when her beloved grandmother Shin Jaekyung died of heart attack in front of her. Because Baek Yijin was always the one that was there, always present. It wasn’t her fault of course that she close some part of herself to me since I cant do the same to her too, regrettably. I guess, it was because I still couldn’t completely move on from her mother, I was afraid that she somehow knew about it. I was always the one that build a wall between myself and my daughter.
I would say to everyone that it was in the past, it was not a mistake, I didn’t regret it a bit. But, when the night comes, and I’m all alone in my big apartment, I still think of what I should have. A family of my own, like what I want, like what my own father was assured himself that was what I have before he left me.
***
“Appa, what should I do? I’m so nervous.” I see her hands that clad in white lacy glove tremble slightly and she hold Baek Yijin’s jacket’s sleeve like a little girl she once was.
Baek Yijin smile at Minchae lovingly, “Daughter, you did great. I’m sure we can do this. Pinch me if you need to be back in your senses. Walk straight, you’re a dancer, you’ll know how to walk straight with poise. Just think about what’s to come, how you come until you reach this. Okay? I will be there, we will be there.”
“But you’ll give me up.”
“To the person that love you so much, and you love as much in return? I would gladly do that. I know that he will be the right person for you. He convinced us already, and I am sure he will continue to convince us with his love for you. Right, Shin Yoon-ssi?”
Minchae look at me and throw her trembling smile behind her transparent veil to me. “Of course, you’ll do great. You already there. And after you got married, its not like we wont meet again, right? We always be your family.”
“You promise me, right?” I know that she mean is beyond today’s event. It was always like that, she was always need to convince herself about me, sometime even still confusing my place in her life, but she loves me too regardless of anything. I know this know, even that love is always different than her love to Heedo and Baek Yijin.
This is really enough for me as long as she give me permission to be in her life.
“I promise you, my daughter.”
“Then it is enough for me too.” She smile her blazing smile to me. She is really Heedo’s mini me. She remain me of Heedo in her wedding day. But it was not our wedding, it was her in that photo of her wedding with Baek Yijin, smiling happily, excited with a composure of a young lady stepping toward another step of her life.
This is truly the right thing. That decision to release Heedo from a misery that was our marriage was truly the right thing. She is as happy as ever, Minchae has her deserved parents that always ready to guide her and catch her when she fall. Me? I learn to be happy by looking at small things, but most of it were always because of Minchae.
Now, I can say confidently that I’m not regretting it for a bit while looking at my daughter’s smile and palpable excitement of what’s to come.
“Let’s go then.” She said, linked both her arms in each of Baek Yijin’s and mine while walking forward to the blinding light of aisle toward her future.