Chapter Text
Prologue :
“Trust is completely dead to me”
How dare you be the same person who once pronounced those words?
Since you came back, all I felt was anguish. But I don’t think it’s your fault. It must be mine, right? It has to be my fault.
Because I gave you too much power, too much love, and.. maybe too much trust. Maybe I was too much of an idiot for not realizing it before. I should’ve known something was off since the start, even your voice changed, your words did too; Even your gestures did. I won’t lie, but when you came back into our life, I felt it for a second, looking at you walk away to go handle “business” once; you said. I don’t know why I let you leave me that day.
I.
Jude had always been the good and nice guy around here. For everyone around him, he was the ray-of sunshine kind of man who would light up an entire room just by his presence. They wouldn’t be wrong to think so. Actually, he had always been my role model, the person I would look up to; Even if we were constantly one against one another as kids, squabbling, we were only playing around. Arlo, Jude and I were inseparable, like three peas in a pod. When bad times would come around, we would be there for each other, as always. High school wasn’t easy all the time, but Jude was a popular guy. Playing in the football team as a quarterback, he didn’t become like one of those assholes. I remember he would never back down from defending us, his blood. We were lucky to have him. Family was the most important thing to him, and it still is today. That’s just how he was. Anyone that would disrespect his family, would be considered as an enemy, had to fall in line and apologize… or they would be handled with. By Jude himself. He was never a really violent dude, actually, he was always very sweet and tried his best to stay like that. Some outbursts can happen, right?
Jude, was only born a few months before us, the twins. And technically, he was our uncle, but he never accepted to be called that. So, since forever, he had always been our cousin. We spent our entire lives together. Life could drift us apart, we would always stick together. It was very special, like a spiritual bond, even more than just blood. It was hard for me as a child to understand when people were telling me that they hated their family, because family was all that I knew. When I was down, they would pick me up; and if it was them, I would be there to pick them up. That is how it always worked for me, for us .
Arlo was my twin brother, and with all my respect, I would’ve chosen him over ANYONE else. Of course, I loved Jude just as much; it was just different. I would’ve fought every battle, every war just to keep that hag version of me safe (Technically, he was born first, and he wouldn’t shut up about that too). But I still wished I fought more, for my brother. When I needed him the most, he was at his lowest. And I cannot allow myself to be mad at him even the slightest; Because the minute I was on the verge of giving up and letting myself die – in a sorta way – He would be there. Arlo would always be there. He held my hands through the hardest and darkest times, when I had to suffer from Jude’ vices. I will always remember the look he had in his eyes when he first saw me laying there, in the middle of the room. I felt ashamed, so fucking ashamed to be one of his victims, again . But at least, that would mean Arlo was going to be safe.
People have always confused us, Arlo and I. Because we looked so much alike, it was a sort of game for them to “guess” who was who, especially in school. But it grew on me – and, I assume, on him too –, and it stained as a bad complex of mine. I had several bad identity crises; cut my hair, dyed it red, nothing worked.
- “Which one are you again?”
- “Mil-... Arlo, right?”
My brother and I always worked together, as a pair. It wouldn’t quite help. But don’t get me wrong, I was the happiest. Having my brother by my side was a goddamn gift. I was so lucky to have him. I just wanted my own identity, and I am sure he would’ve liked it for himself too.
As kids, playing with our identities was the funniest thing to do. I was very good at science, and Arlo was… a disaster we can say. When he had a test, we would switch clothes in the school bathroom, and I would pass his exam instead. It must’ve been the funniest times of my life. We never got caught, can you believe that? We really could've had, a plenty of time, because we were literally two idiots.
When Jude learned it, he was so upset… We didn’t quite understand back then, it wasn’t a big deal for us. Even if he was only a few months older, he would lecture us on how we build success. He could’ve snitched to our parents and gotten us in real trouble, but he didn't. Instead, he explained to us how it [success] has to be deserved, and how it is important to fairly succeed. We were 14. I wonder how Jude would react if I said these exact words to his face today.
Jude also worked with Arlo and I, until he left. It shocked everyone, even if it wasn’t the first time he left, it was the first time we didn’t know why. I wasn’t lost without him, but I was definitely confused. Because Jude never quits. The exact reasons for why he left were blurry, but again, Jude has always been a tough shell to crack; I only asked him to text me sometimes. He didn’t. Arlo and myself handled the business for a few months, as he wished. Of course, it was hard, we had to keep up and no rest was allowed, because around there we were considered as the greatest of all time, and we had to make sure this wouldn't ever be a lie. It would’ve been such a shame for everyone, and Jude would’ve killed us.
What we didn’t know was that while Jude was playing the dead silence card, he was watching over us still. Honestly, it didn’t surprise me. I didn’t think about it much, I had shit going on.
Arlo had depression, I think he was diagnosed when we were 13. It just got worse year by year, it hurt me a lot seeing him getting worse. Sometimes, when pain was too much to handle, he would drink it out. Arlo started off stealing some beer from our dad… but quickly went from stronger shit.
Five days a week, I would find him wasted in our garden, unable to even get on his feet, and it pained me so bad seeing him like that. When I looked into his eyes, I don’t think I cried yet. But I wanted to, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, until they gave out. He didn’t deserve this life. Into his brown innocent eyes, I saw that my brother, my literal blood, was in pain. Happiness seemed like an unreachable glimpse entirely replaced by a veil of numbness; such as a vague reflection you’ll never be able to ever catch. I knew, in this exact moment, that he had given up. But I wouldn’t let him, I wasn’t going to. Because he wasn’t alone : he never was and never will be. Having him in my arms, I’ve promised him that everything would be alright, that I would be there, no matter how hard it gets.
So, a little before Jude came back, when Arlo left the town for his mental health, I actually felt relieved he finally put himself first for once. He talked to me for a while about it, he wasn’t sure to leave me handle the family business alone. Arlo wasn’t especially worried I couldn’t handle it, we were just never standing alone, ever. So, having me dealing with everything, all at once, all alone; it was hard for him to make this decision. His mental health was getting worse and worse, so he ended up leaving. I hated to see him like that, and I was reassured that he was finally taking care of himself, at peace with his wife and kids. Not so long after, Jude was back. I still don’t know if he saw Arlo’s departure as an opportunity. The timing didn’t quite match anyways.
He came back when nobody expected him to, and I loved this ability of his. Mind games and strategies. The entire family was so glad to welcome him back. And I was – of course – first in line.
Jude was never a bad person. I would never assure such things. And his past affirmed my point, I just thought he was in a dark place of his life, a bad moment to get through. It kept going that way, he didn’t change even for a bit again.