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It's been 4 years, Junghwan thought. 4 years since his mom had left him. 4 years have passed and he’s still longing for his mom’s presence. And today is his mom’s 4th death anniversary. Currently arranging the flowers in the family flower shop that his mom had passed down to him and his dad, Junghwan precisely chose the ones that his mom really loves.
A Pink Camellia.
Junghwan’s mom had always loved pink camellias for one thing. She always said that they were pretty. But one thing he didn’t know back then was what Pink Camellias meant to someone. After seeing his mom’s final letter, he knew what it truly meant for his mom. Pink Camellia means longing for someone.
Dear, I chose this as my favorite flower the moment I knew about my illness. Please place this on my grave when I die. I want to see your greatest flower arrangement in my grave. So when you are longing for me, give me a pink camellia, and once a pink butterfly appears, it means I’m there with you. I love you, my dearest Junghwan. White Camellia suits you since you’re too adorable. I'll see you when I see you, son. I love you.
Re-reading his mom’s letter made Junghwan tear up. He isn't usually this emotional, yet the thought of his mom makes him feel blue. He misses his mom, he really does. Junghwan was cut off from his thoughts when his phone suddenly rang. It was Doyoung, his bestfriend. Picking it up, Junghwan felt that his eardrums almost exploded because of the shout Doyoung left out. This is nothing new to him, Doyoung is always excited and hyper.
“Dobby, how many times do I have to tell you not to scream over the phone? You’re hurting my ears so bad.” Junghwan’s tone might sound like he’s angry but calling Doyoung by his nickname only means the opposite. He can never get mad at Doyoung. A wide smile is actually plastered on Junghwan’s face while he talks to Doyoung. He feels excited too whenever Doyoung is around, the only difference is that he has a calm personality and… butterflies in his stomach are always dancing everytime he is with Doyoung.
Junghwan likes Doyoung. He likes his bestfriend.
“Sorry! I just missed you! We didn’t see each other for a month!”
Junghwan’s smile became wider. Oh, he’s down bad.
“I missed you too. Are you coming here?”
Please come. Please come. Please come. Junghwan repeatedly pleaded in his thoughts. He badly misses Doyoung too.
“Yes, I’ll go there today! Today is Auntie's death anniversary too, right? Are you going to visit her at the cemetery? May I accompany you?”
Doyoung questions after a quesiton, and Junghwan finds it really cute. Junghwan hummed, saying that it was okay for Doyoung to accompany him. What he didn’t expect is that Doyoung would immediately be there, blasting the door open as he threw himself onto John, wrapping his arms around the florist’s neck. Junghwan’s heart started beating so fast he hoped Doyoung wouldn’t hear it. Hugs are normal for them, but Junghwan admitting to himself his feelings makes him hope that those hugs can also mean something more to his bestfriend.
Receiving a small pat on his head, Doyoung roamed his eyes around the flower shop. A small bouquet of flowers caught his attention, “To whom are these flowers for?” he asked. “My mom. He likes pink camellias.” Junghwan simply answered, hands around the smaller’s waist. It’s like Doyoung’s waist was meant for Junghwan to hold and wrap his arms around it. Doyoung nodded, understanding what Junghwan had said. Both of them not realizing their position right now, Doyoung unconciously put both of his hands on John’s bulky chest. Both of them suddenly realizing the position they’re in right now, they instantly let go of each other. When Doyoung felt himself almost leaning onto Junghwan, he instantly let go from Junghwan’s hold.
“I think we should go. We don’t want your mom to wait, right?” Doyoung awkwardly said, blushing. He silently cursed at himself as his heart kept on beating so fast. “Right, haha. We should. You go out first, I’ll check the shop for a while.” Junghwan didn’t know what to react after what happened, yet the only thing he worries about is his stomach full of butterflies, dancing. As Doyoung went out, a smile formed on Junghwan’s face and up until closing the shop, the smile was still there, looking like a lunatic person who’s inlove.
Upon arriving at the cemetery, no one dared to talk. They can’t help but to think over and over again about the incident earlier. The thing is, they haven’t reached that level of intimacy yet. Being friends for over 10 years and the only intimate thing they did is hugging and holding hands, as friends. Junghwan is scared to make the first move because he believes Doyoung doesn’t have any feelings for him.
Sitting in front of his mother’s grave, a pink butterfly appeared and landed on the pink camellias on the ground. The florist felt like the butterfly was his mom. To signify that her spirit is with him right at this very moment. “Hey, mom.”, Junghwan softlycalled. “I’m with Doyoung today. Honestly, I don’t know what to feel right now. I’m so overwhelmed by a lot of emotions that I can’t tell what I should be feeling as of the moment.” And with that, the tears that Junghwan had prevented from falling dropped continuously, the florist sobbing silently while covering his face. Doyoung’s heart sank at the sight and hugged John from behind. The florist does bottle up a lot about his struggles in life that sometimes he seems okay in front of everyone but inside, he’s dying. Just like earlier at the flower shop.
Doyoung had always been understanding when it came to Junghwan and he never forced the taller one to open up to him unless he’s ready. He’s always there, ready to listen, ready to comfort. “Mom, Papa passed away last last month… He followed after you, Ma. I didn’t know about it and the time I knew, it was when his illness couldn't be cured anymore.”
Hearing Junghwan’s words, Doyoung widened his eyes. He didn’t know about this. Is this why Junghwan brought two bouquets? The other one for his dad? Doyoung thought it was for someone. Why would Junghwan hide something like this from him? For what? “Ma, I didn’t tell Doyoung because I didn’t want to add to his burdens. He’s already studying for his board exams and I can’t give him another problem. I don’t want to trouble him with my issues in life. Now that he’s here with me, I’m sure he’s shocked as I’m telling you this. I still have him, but why does it feel like I’m all alone now?”
Doyoung’s heart broke as Junghwan said this. Doyoung made sure that he always got Junghwan’s back. He made it clear to the florist. “Ma, if I tell him that I like him, will he leave me too?” The smaller stopped tapping John’s back hearing those from him. What did he just hear? Junghwan likes Doyoung? The latter’s heart started beating so fast, yet he didn’t let his emotions take over him and let Junghwan continue talking.
“I don’t know, Ma. When Dad died, I felt alone. I felt scared that someday, people around me will leave me too. I tried so hard to heal myself from Dad’s death quickly but the pain is still here. And now that I admitted to myself about my feelings for Doyoung, I’m scared that he’ll leave me too. What if our friendship breaks after telling this to him? Ma, what should I do?”
It took Junghwan a lot of courage for him to confess this to Doyoung, and saying it both infront of his parents and the person he likes feels lighter. It's like a heavy weight was lifted off him. A much tighter hug from behind was what Junghwan felt. He felt Doyoung’s chin rest on his shoulder, giving him comfort. Junghwan continued to cry, letting out all the feelings he’s held ever since. For once, Junghwan lets himself be weak. In front of Doyoung and in front of his mom’s grave. Junghwan opening up made Doyoung tear up because finally, he’s admitting to himself what he truly feels instead of hiding it. Doyoung waited for atleast a minute before taking the courage to talk to Junghwan.
“Junghwan.” Doyoung called out to his bestfriend. They are now standing in front of Junghwan’s dad’s grave. Junghwan just cried and Doyoung let him be. Doyoung is glad that Junghwan’s finally showing his fragile self. And when Junghwan turned to him, he said these words; “I’m proud of you.”
Junghwan smiled sadly. He felt like tearing up again, hearing Doyoung’s words. “I’m proud of you.” Doyoung repeated. “I’m so proud of you, Junghwan. You are so strong.” Doyoung cupped Junghwan’s cheeks which were puffy from crying too much. He still looks cute. Doyoung thinks. The smaller smiled and kissed the taller’s forehead which made Junghwan freeze on his spot. “You are able to open up everything to me, to your parents which you didn't do back then. I’m so proud of you. You’re very strong, Junghwan. You are strong. You never gave up. You fought for yourself and you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known.”
“You helped me, Doyoung. You helped me to become strong.” Junghwan closed his eyes and rested on Doyoung’s palm on his cheek, feeling the warmth of it while holding it.
“But still, acknowledging your struggles and weaknesses are what made you strong. I’m so proud of you… my Junghwan. It’s fine that you didn’t tell me about your dad. I know it must’ve been hard for you. But I told you right, I’m always here. I will never leave your side. I always got your back. I’ve made it clear to you, right?”
“Mhm. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to tell you.” Junghwan lowered his head but Doyoung raised it again to look at his eyes. “It’s okay. I understand. But next time, tell me alright? I’ll sympathize with you.”
With that, Doyoung enveloped him into an embrace. A warm one. Junghwan felt safe. He felt warm and comfortable. Whenever he is in Sam’s arms, he feels home. “By the way, when you told your mom earlier you like me, is it true?” Doyoung gave Junghwan a teasing look as he said this. Junghwan nodded slowly but told Doyoung not to stare at him like that. He thinks he just got rejected.
But what startled Junghwan is when Doyoung pressed a short kiss on John’s lips. After the kiss, Doyoung ran out of the cemetery while Junghwan slowly followed him, still processing what just happened. “Did you just kiss me?” Junghwan asked when they had arrived home at the flower shop. “Well, that was my response to your confession! Silly, I like you too! No, I love you—” Doyoung was cutted off from his words when Junghwan pulled him by the waist and kissed him on the lips, properly this time.
Pulling away, Doyoung cupped Junghwan’s cheeks and pressed their foreheads together as they giggled. “I love you, Doyoung. Thank you. I will never leave you hanging too.” Fluttering at Junghwan’s words, Doyoung got out of Junghwan’s embrace and searched the flower shop for something. And when a certain flower caught his eyes, he immediately grabbed a bunch of it and gave it to Junghwan.
“What is this?” Junghwan asked, getting the flowers from Doyoung’s hands. “It’s called Baby’s Breath. The flower means everlasting love. I gave it to you because my love for you will last a long time. And in every ups and downs, I will always love you.” Doyoung said and gave Junghwan a long hug. He also added, “I also chose that because of the name. ‘Baby’s breath.’ You’re my baby.”
“You’re cringey.” Junghwan jokes. Laughing their hearts out together, Doyoung rested his head on Junghwan’s chest and said, “I know you’re still struggling from a lot of problems but trust me, I will always be here. While you’re healing, I’ll heal with you. When you’re crying, I’ll cry with you. When you’re happy, I’ll be happy with you. I got your back, my love. I love you.”
After saying those words, Doyoung received a kiss on the forehead. And that was the assurance he needed, that Junghwan will stay with him too. That Junghwan will never leave him too.