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Aselina was going to die soon. *She* was going to die. This couldn’t be real. She fought for so long and cheated death more times that she could count that she was almost convinced she was invincible now. She was always ready to die on the battlefield, yet dying like this scared her. Was it really how her life was going to end? Cursed by light? Ardbert told her that he would sacrifice himself in order to save her but she *really* didn’t like this plan. The warrior already sacrificed too much, she couldn’t afford to lose him as well. They may have started as enemies and almost killed each other, there was no doubt Ardbert’s heart was pure and at the right place. And she trusted him. Considered him a friend. An ally. No, he absolutely couldn’t die here, she would find a way to save them both. But how? Alisaie invited the Warrior of Light to eat a meal with her and their friends at a restaurant at the Crystarium and even though she was happy she invited her, her heart was… somewhere else.
“Hey, if you don’t eat it now the soup’s gonna get cold you know!”, the red mage asserted, noticing the absentminded way her friend held her spoon.
She apologized for being distracted and gently smiled. Gotta smile, Aselina or else your friends will notice and they will start to worry. Given the current circumstances, giving them another thing to worry about wasn’t the best plan. She discarded her bad thoughts for a moment and joined her friends in their conversation then headed to the Pendants. Will Ardbert be there tonight? She didn’t really know if she wanted to talk to him or rather ignore him. She walked a long corridor then opened the door to her room and let herself fall on the comfortable mattress of the bed. There was so much to think about. Thancred’s complicated relationship with Minfilia. Eulmore’s situation. Emet Selch’s machinations. Her parting with Hien. Hien… They haven’t talked much ever since that night where they kissed each other good night. Was he thinking about her? Was he worried? No, he couldn’t, he had too much work to do to let himself be distracted by something so futile.
“You look upset”, an informal voice said and she immediately recognized that voice.
She got up right away. Ardbert’s spirit was smiling at her, as he always was, his arms crossed on his chest. How could he be smiling? Aselina was known to be optimistic to a weird degree despite the odds yet she hadn’t felt optimistic once ever since coming in the First. What to say? What to think? Her hands resting on her thighs, she looked down.
“I keep thinking about what you said. About you saving me. Do you really think I’ll accept that?”, she tried her best to hide the shaking in her voice. “If it’s about you being a spirit, I made the impossible possible more than once, I’m… I’m sure there’s a way to bring you back.”
He didn’t answer. All she heard was a sigh then steps walking away from her. She lifted up her face to see him looking at the starless sky through the window. She couldn’t see his face but she knew that smile he wore when he came was gone now.
“Even if I’m back to my old self and that people can see me, what then?”, he sighed once more. “Who do I have left? Everyone I cared about died a long time ago. It’s not like there’s anyone waiting for me here.”
The young healer wanted to scream. She was here and she’ll always be here for him if needed. Yet she couldn’t find the courage to say it. All he did by living was being hurt, he suffered so much. He sacrificed everything just to end up… here, in a spirit vessel, trash talked by every citizen who held him responsible for the blight. He carried the weight of the world, *his* world, on his shoulders. They had so much in common and yet, she never felt so distant to anybody before.
“You don’t deserve this”, was all she could whisper.
He turned around and scoffed, smiling brightly this time and turned back once again, to look at the darkened sky.
“It’s not about deserving. It’s about what I want. The only thing I want is to go back to my people”, he added. She joined him and together, they looked upward. She wondered what he thought of when he looked at the night sky. “If I can help you by realizing this wish, then I’ll be happy. I will have done my part and I hope you’ll be ready to do yours.”
Will she ever be ready ?
***
A few days have passed since then. She never spoke to anyone about her worries and fear but God knows how much she wanted to ask for help. But she couldn’t bother anyone, especially now. Instead, she decided to write her thoughts on paper, to ease herself, even for a bit. No one enters her room anyway. All she could do these past few days was think of a way to save both herself and Ardbert, even though she perfectly understood that even if he were to return, things won’t ever be the same for him. Then, she tried to imagine what her life would look like if the Scions were no longer walking and fighting beside her. If Alphinaud was no longer here to provide her with insightful tips and cheer her up. If Alisaie was no longer here to make her do silly things again. If Thancred and Urianger were no longer watching over her like two big brothers. Would she still be able to live and walk through a battlefield, scepter held high, waging war and triumph over battle after battle? She put down her pen. Of course I couldn’t. I’ll end up crazy. Unconsciously, her gaze lifted up to the sky outside.
She hated the night. She didn’t sleep much these days and trying to sleep was getting harder and harder as time passed by. If this curse didn’t kill her, her thinking probably will.
“Can’t sleep?”
She didn’t even dare look at Ardbert, she faced the wall instead.
“Is it presumptuous of me to think that I’m the one to blame for your condition?”, Ardbert calmly asked.
“I have a lot on my mind”, Aselina replied as she tightened her fists under her pillow. She felt like crying right now.
“It doesn’t make it any easier.”
There, she could almost feel the tears coming. She couldn’t cry. She *wouldn’t*.
“I’m sorry…”, she barely whispered as she curled up like a ball. When he asked why she was apologizing, she simply answered with “I couldn’t save you…” with an even lower voice.
He wanted to touch his friend so she could look at him but he couldn’t. At long last, the white mage finally decided to turn around and she saw that Ardbert was smiling. It was the brightest smile he ever had. Like he was at peace.
“I never asked to be saved. Besides, people still need you. They need you more than they need me, I’m sure.”
Why would you say that… You did… so much… for everyone here… Finally, the restraining was too much to bear and she let the tears rolling down her cheeks.
“It was an honor to meet you, Aselina. The greatest of all”, he added with a much assured tone. “I would have given you a high five if I was real.”
He laughed.
“And I would have hugged you…”, she replied.
She couldn’t find the courage to lift her head.
“Keep your head high, hero. You’ll need to be brave for the upcoming battle. Just have a little more faith in yourself.”
Keep your head high, hero. Those were the words she said to Hien on the night she left. She couldn’t tell if it was the tears that made her vision all blurry but she could swear she had no idea a smile could shine so brightly.
***
She thought that accepting Ardbert’s death would be easier to deal with once she said the words aloud. It turned out that she was entirely wrong. Her anxiety and nervousness had all but increased tenfold. So many things have happened lately, really important things that she should focus on, like the Crystal Exarch who turned out to be G’raha Tia, a friend she met many, many moons ago. Or that they would be fighting their last battle the next day. The Miqo'te was right beside her and he was very perceptive.
“Are you feeling alright? You look rather pale.”
“Now that you mention it, you look a little down!”, Alisaie exclaimed.
She hid her eyes for a few seconds then smiled to reassure them. Or herself. She didn’t know.
“No no no, it’s just that I’m tired. We have a long battle ahead and… I’m not sure we’re gonna make it.”
It’s not that she wasn’t sure, she knew that some people would die there. She was so tired of the sacrifices.
“You’ve made countless miracles possible so don't worry my friend, you’ll keep on doing it again”, Alphinaud casually replied.
“That’s right! Have a little faith in yourself!”, G’raha added.
“And if you ever lack some, this guy has plenty to spare”, Alisaie said as she elbowed G’raha on the side.
G’raha’s cheeks reddened. His adoration and devotion towards the Warrior of Light was no secret and it was true that people loved to pick on him about that. Alphinaud coughed as he chuckled.
“Look who’s talking!”
Alisaie didn’t wait long to pinch her older's twin's ear.
“Owowowowowowowowowowow!”, he yelled.
Watching them all, teasing each other around a dining table reminded her how lucky she was to have found them when she did. She wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world, and it was true, she wouldn’t be able to live if they weren’t around anymore.
“Yeah… Just a little faith.”, Aselina murmured.
***
That night, she wasn’t feeling sad anymore. Or at the very least, not as sad as she’s used to. Ardbert was standing next to her. If everything goes according to plan, that would be the last time they see each other.
“You have some time for a heart-to-heart talk?”, he asked.
She nodded and sat on her bed.
“Do you have… a loved one?”
That was a rather odd question.
“Well, they’re everyday with me. My friends, my allies, all the people that believe in me.”
He shook his head.
“No I meant, as a lover.”
“Oh that”, she realized. Could she say they were lovers? What were they exactly? She loved him for sure but… “I do have one. I miss him.”
Ardbert looked taken aback by the answer.
“He’s not here?”
“No. He has huge responsibilities but he’s not related to any of the Scions. But why are you asking me this?”
The warrior took his breath and looked at his friend deep in the eye.
“Let’s admit that I renounce my wish of giving my life for you and you die here. What about him then? Would you give up on him?”, he emphasized on the “you”.
Now she’s the one who’s surprised by the question. It was true, she never thought about that. If she died here, she was sure he would move on but still, Hien has had his fair share of loss, he didn’t need any new names on that list.
“We… never talked about this but… We’re prepared for this eventuality. He’s the lord of an entire kingdom and I’m… well, you know damn well who I am. We know that every time we see each other might be the last”, she scoffed as she added “It comes with the job I guess. I’m sure that whatever happens to me, he’ll accept it.”
“You gotta cherish the time you share together.”
She knew he was trying to lighten up her burden but it didn’t really work. She saw so many friends die for her sake and she’ll have to do the same yet once again.
“I feel awful but deep down… Maybe I’m relieved that you gave me the chance to live still.”
“No one wants to die, we’re all afraid of the unknown”, he stated.
“It just… hurts. Why do I feel so strong when I fight powerful enemies yet so weak to keep my friends alive? What’s the point of being the Warrior of Light if I’m not even able to protect those dear to me?”
Ardbert tried to put his hand on hers and even though it was impossible, Aselina could swear she felt some kind of cold wind brushing her skin.
“Trust me, you’ll do me a huge favor if you let me go.”
Again, one tear rolled down her cheek, but this time, she smiled instead of crying even more.
“I will let you go, I promise. I won’t forget you, just like I haven’t forgotten all the others that have fallen behind.”
“Thank you”, he whispered, as his spirit faded away.
She dried her tears and a new kind of resolve surged through her.