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Marc didn’t hear the word “Sentinel” until he joined the military, but he got a bad vibe from the NDA he had to sign and intentionally failed the tests they put him through. He could have passed every one of them easily if he wanted.
Ever since he was a kid Marc remembered the world being more for him than it was for other people. The details of a view from high up, the taste of each individual ingredient in his food, the mix of sweat and soap and laundry detergent that formed each person’s slightly different cloud of scent, the way each individual flute in an orchestra had a slightly different sound but all harmonized together, the way a breeze would make the temperature of the air on his skin shift. But sometimes it was too much. It’d overwhelm him, or he would get too focussed on one little detail and not notice anything else, even the passage of time.
……
Marc didn’t know much about Guides. He’d been told only vague details about them. He didn’t know if it was a natural thing like Sentinels or if it required training, but the military would pair each sentinel with a Guide to bring them back to usefulness when they got overwhelmed or hyperfocussed. Marc told himself he didn’t need anyone’s help. That he could handle it. Even though every time it got too much he blacked out. So he trained himself to block all the extra sensory information unless he was sure he could handle it. He couldn’t afford to black out in a combat situation, and after he got discharged, after he finally fully accepted what was really happening during his periods of missing time, he was even more determined to control this on his own. He couldn’t let Steven wake up to danger.
……
Being Khonshu’s fist of vengeance helped, actually. He didn’t know if it was the fact that it was harder to get overwhelmed in the dark, or just that his face and the rest of his body was completely covered while in the suit, but it became easy to let the extra information in a little at a time.
……
And then there was Layla. He never told her about his senses. How her touch was electric and he heard her laugh like it was in surround sound and the taste of her mouth was like fireworks on his tongue. But she must have figured out some of it because she would watch him. Lead him away when it was all getting too much, and drag him back to reality when he got lost in the smell of her hair. He started to think this must be what having a Guide was like.
Which is why he had to leave her. He couldn’t keep finding comfort in her when he was the reason her father was dead. That should have been enough of a reason but, no, it took the extra danger of Khonshu going after her.
……
It was so easy to give his life to Steven. Even when he was still present, everything was muted and dulled when he wasn’t fronting. No getting overwhelmed, no getting lost. Maybe it would be a relief to disappear into the background.
……
The psych ward was so bright . It hurt . And the hospital smell was almost choking him. He wanted to hide from it, wanted Steven, but he couldn’t find him. Where was Steven? Marc needed him, needed help, needed to know he was okay.
……
When he found Steven, when he hugged Steven, wrapped his arms around him and felt Steven grip the back of his shirt in return, he wanted to stay in that embrace forever. Everything was finally quiet. It wasn’t dulled like when he wasn’t fronting, it was just suddenly manageable, something he could handle easily. When he led them from the room Marc held out a hand for Steven to hold, and Steven did. Marc told himself it was to make sure Steven didn’t get lost but if he was being honest with himself it was because Steven’s touch made the pain from the lights and the smell go away. He didn’t want to ever stop touching Steven. When the hippo showed up and Steven let go of his hand, Marc’s scream was only half shock, the other half was pain.
……
Why did the fucking memories have to have smell . Marc had endured it so far, though the scent of his childhood home had almost made him vomit. He endured the smell of blood on sand, of birthday cakes that would go uneaten, of the food the neighbors brought for his brother’s shiva. In the end it was the cobblestones that broke him. In the memory, he was collapsed in the street, face so close to the ground that the smell of his tears on the stone was almost overwhelming. In the present, it was all he could smell, all he could sense at all. The scene before him, the bright sun, the sounds of his past self sobbing all went away until there was just hot sharp petrichor.
Then, the smell slowly faded and he came back to the world gently. It wasn’t like when Layla would shock him out of his hyperfocus. This was so much softer. When Marc was able to process sight and touch again he found Steven holding his face in both of his hands.
“Steven?” he whispered.
“I just got the feeling that you might be… lost.”
“I was.”
Steven moved his hands from Marc’s face and Marc hated the loss of touch until the hands settled on his shoulders.
Marc took a deep breath. “This was it, Mom’s death and shiva two months ago, this is the moment our lives started bleeding into each other.”
……
In the field of reeds Marc felt that same quiet he felt when Steven touched him. The peace, everything he’d ever wanted, it was right here, all around him.
But Steven was lost in the sands.
“You don’t need him anymore,” Taweret said.
And it was true. If Marc stayed here he didn’t need a Guide. But that wasn’t fair to Steven. Steven who had been there for him since he was just a kid. Steven who had looked him in the eyes and said “It’s not your fault.” Steven who he loved. With his whole heart.
So he left, he left that peace behind. But it was okay, even in the sands of the Duat, as long as he could put his hand on Steven’s it would still be paradise.
……
Things were so much easier after they came back. With them both so close to the front, the peace Marc had felt while touching Steven was still there. And if Marc ever started to get overwhelmed Steven could front and relieve the pressure. And if Marc ever got lost in his senses Steven could lead him back to reality. Marc’s heightened senses became something both of them could enjoy .
“You look like a weight’s been lifted off your shoulders,” Layla said, watching him truly savor his food in a cheap Cairo restaurant after everything went down.
They had picked a somewhat isolated table anyway so both Marc and Steven could talk, but Marc looked around for listeners anyway before he started explaining. He told her about his senses, about learning about Sentinels in the military, what little he knew about Guides. Talking about things Layla deserved to know might have been Steven’s thing before, but he was trying. He told her… some things about the Duat. Not everything. But he described how Steven’s touch had calmed the storm in his head.
“And what’s Steven’s side of the story?” Layla asked when Marc had finished talking.
“Well…” Steven started, looking a bit embarrassed. “From the moment I first saw Marc I felt this, this pull yeah? Like I could sense he needed me. And I could tell how much he relaxed whenever I touched him so I figured that’s what I needed to keep doing.”
Layla smirked and raised an eyebrow. “What kind of touching did you boys do while you were there? Or do we need to go somewhere less family friendly for you to be able to discuss it?”
Marc and Steven almost choked on their drink. Layla laughed while they recovered.
“It wasn’t like that!” Marc insisted. “We just hugged… and held hands.”
“I also touched his face,” Steven added.
“Please tell me Taweret had a camera!”
Steven blushed deeply but still said “Wouldn’t put it past her.” with a chuckle.
Then Layla put her hand on his. “I am so happy for you. Really. I’m glad you can be for each other what I couldn’t be for Marc. Hopefully, now, he can maybe even try to be happy.”
“I was happy with you, Layla,” Marc said.
“I know. But there was always pain under the surface. I think I’m starting to see that pain heal.”
“I think so too.” Marc’s voice broke on the last word, he and Layla both were close to tears.
A part of him wanted to say he didn’t deserve this, but he knew Steven would argue against that. And besides, he was starting to believe that maybe he did deserve to be happy and at peace.