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Holy shit I am in no sensible state to be doing this? How stupid am I? I can’t drive them home like this, I won’t risk them getting hurt.
“Hold on kids, I’m just going to call a taxi” Ed and Molly take a seat next to me on the side of the foot path, the frigid air sending chills up the two children’s spine. I take note of this, pulling off my suit jacket wrapping it around them before they could catch a cold, a small tired ‘thank you’ coming from them both. I send a small smile their way.
While we wait for the taxi to arrive, I start to think, letting my thoughts drift off faster than my intoxicated brain could take, feeling a little dizzy. I let out a groan and put my head in my hands.
“Uncle Felix, are you okay?” I look down at the kids, Molly looking up at me with her wide brown eyes – that remind me of her father’s eyes – while Ed’s arms are wrapped around his little sister’s shoulders, the grey rabbit Rocket in between them both.
“I-I’m fine Molly, just…just…. yeah, I’m fine” I didn’t want to lie to them, but I also can NOT tell them the truth. If Jack nor Rose don't kill me for being drunk they'll definitely kill me for explaining that. They’re just kids, they wouldn’t understand.
{skip to the taxi drive home}
Leaning my head against the taxi window, the cold glass pressed against my check numbing it to the touch. Oh god what is Jack going to say? He’s going to be so angry with you. You had one job; one easy simple job and you couldn’t even do that right. Honest whatever happens you deserve it for being a pathetic drunken bastard.
“Uncle Felix where here” Ed says, eager to get inside, Molly sharing a similar expression. Don’t blame them, you don’t want to be around yourself at the moment either huh.
Opening the door for the kids, watching them scamper up to the front door as the door opens, Rosie rushing out to greet her kids. Sitting there, still not quite with it I stare at the family, thinking about how I could have ruined this if I had not have come to my senses quicker. Zoning out, I did not realise the driver was trying to get my attention until his fingers snapped in my face to get me to pay him and get out.
Stumbling up the footpath, almost tripping on the foot path I join the kids and their mother. I look inside vaguely noticing Sophie peering out from around the corner of the hall, before retreating back to her room.
“Thanks again for bringing them home Fe- “Rose finally meeting my eyes, her face twisting into a concerned frown. “Oh, Felix honey you look like a wreck. What happened?” Without waiting for a response, she ushes me inside, the concern frown turning into a sad frown as she watched me struggle to walk. I sit down on the couch, slowly sinking further into the cress hoping it would swallow me whole.
“Let me put the kids to sleep and then I’ll put the kettle on. You look like you need some coffee.” Rose’s voice turns distorted the more she walked up stairs, Molly and Edward follow her. The silence of the room was deafening, I hate this. Why didn’t I just drop the kids and leave oh god I’m going to be sick.
(small time skip)
At some point I must have dozed off as there is now a blanket over me and a cup of lukewarm coffee on the coffee table. I pull the blanket around my body more wrapping myself up in a warm cocoon, honestly, I’m not sure if it’s the room itself that’s making me cold or the fact that I’m drunk that’s making me cold.
“Felix?” I look over to the stairs to see Jack standing there, his eyebrows knotted together, wearing casual clothes instead of his usual attire of moron suit. I don’t remember the last time I had seen Jack look so casual, maybe collage. It’s weird but in a good way.
“Oh…hey Jack. I didn’t hear you come home” I sit up but stay in my cocoon blanket.
“Yeah, you were passed out when I got home. Rose has been filling me in, says your drunk and you’ve been crying since you got here. What’s happened? What’s wrong” Jack walks down the rest of the stairs, making his way in front of me and kneeled down to my level, making direct eye contact with me. I attempt to croak out an apology, but Jack quickly shushed me putting his hand on my shoulder, caressing in comforting circles. God damn it, he knows just how to break me, I start crying into my hands. Embarrassed that he has to see me like this, embarrassed in myself for acting like this, embarrassed that I’ve put myself in this situation.
“Felix? El compañero,Please talk to me, I want to help but I can’t do that if you don’t open up. It’s just us” I take a moment thinking over my options. Option one, I explain to him why I got myself hammered at a school disco when I was supposed to be driving his children home, Option two, I grab the nearest sharp object and stab myself with it or Option three, I bolt out the door and never come back. Options 2 sounds about PERFECT right now….ugh no I need to open up, he deserves to know.
“Linda she uh…. she left me. Earlier this morning, she’s gone Jack and I don’t know what to do” I sob, hiccupping and hiding my face in my hands. Jesus you could have explained that better. Now you just look like an idiot way to go Kranken.
“Oh Felix, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? If I knew you were hurting, I would have found someone else to pick up the kids” I fell the end of the couch dip, Jack sitting down next to me as his hand go to the nap of my neck, playing with the ends of my hair, something he’s been doing since college. He knows it calms me down. You don’t deserve him.
“It’s okay Jack, I shouldn’t have accepted the offer. I knew I wasn’t up to doing the job but yet I still decided to help you. Don’t blame yourself for my habits. I shouldn’t have drunk so much. It was only supposed to be one drink, just to calm my nerves but one turned into three, three turned into four and it just escalated. I stopped counting after the sixth drink. God I’m so sorry. I know I told you I was clean but I just I lost control. I understand if you hate me and never want to see me again, I will leave right now and never come back” my sobs grow louder and wilder, my breathing becoming uncontrollable, my palms growing clammy.
“Felix querido please calm down its okay I’m not mad and I don’t want you to leave. Yes, you made a mistake, but you also made a good decision. You called a taxi instead of driving yourself. You did a good job and I’m proud of you” Jack wraps his arms around my waist, side hugging me. God this isn’t the reaction I was expecting, was definitely expecting for yelling, screaming, threating to kill me.
Sniffling, I throw myself into Jack’s arms wrapping them around his waist and burying my face in his neck shakingly swallowing the lump in my throat. God you’re a mess Kranken, get yourself together you drunk sod.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so-so sorry Jack” Get yourself together Kranken, you can’t stop apologising God. Fuck your such a mess. You’re getting shit all over Jack’s clothes. He thinks you’re an idiot Kranken.
“Hey, hey! It’s alright!” Jack tries to comfort me by continuing to play with my hair while I latch onto his shirt, sobbing into him like a child, most likely leaving wet stains.
“I could have hurt them, Jack. If I drove home myself, they could have gotten hurt. I could have crashed and hurt them and all because I’m a sad excuse of a man that can’t get a hold of my emotions so I drown myself in alcohol until I can hardly remember who I am. I’m so, so, so, so, SO sorry Jack I don’t deserve your forgiveness please just say you hate me, please” I hate this. You look like an idiot, spilling all your thoughts out with no filter. Just stop it.
“Yes that’s true but you didn’t Lix. You got them home safe, you did the right thing by calling a cab. You’re a good man Felix. Yes, you have your flaws, but these flaws make you the person you are, and I quite like that person. He’s my best friend, my brother. I will always love you Felix and I’m going to help you, in any way I can” I feel pathetic. That’s because you are.
A set of feet are heard from the stairs, Jack’s head move probably to look where the noise is coming from. “I heard everything from upstairs. Felix you should have called I would have come pick you all up myself it wouldn’t have been an issue dear.” Oh, it’s just Rose. The spot that isn’t been taken by Jack dips, Rose’s hands coming up to my shoulders slowly rubbing them.
“I know but…. I…I was scared. I was scared of your reactions. I didn’t want either of you to see me in that state. I hated that Ed and Molly saw me like that I didn’t want to add you both on that list too” Jack sighs.
“Where’s your car?” I look up at Jack “It’s- “I hiccup, “It’s at the school parked out back” I shudder clinging onto Jack’s shirt tighter. Why is he so warm God? Rose smiles at us. She’s always known how close we were even back in college we were practically inseparable.
“Rose mi amor could you get Felix a glass of water please” I hear Jack mumble, his deep voice rumbling throughout his chest. It’s calming. Rose’s hand leaves my arm and fading footsteps are heard leading to the kitchen. I know I shouldn’t still be crying but I just can’t seem to stop, it’s like I’m a waterfall, ongoing without an end.
“It’s okay Felix. You’re going to be all right I promise. You aren’t alone anymore. We are here to help you. We both love you” Jack pulls back from our position, his hands travelling up to my face to pull my glasses off my face and place them on the couch arm next to us. I sigh into my friend’s hair, shaking slightly from fear that he’ll disappear.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess, you definitely didn’t expect to see little old me crying on your couch at 12:45 in the morning” I try to laugh but the laugh doesn’t make it all the way, coming out more of a whimper if anything.
“Stop saying sorry Felix. You did nothing wrong” I stay silent, burying my face closer into my friend’s neck if that’s even possible. I knew this day would come eventually, it’s a long time coming. I know Linda has been looking for a way out for a while but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
“Here drink this” Rose makes her way back into the living room, holding out a glass of water in front of me. I give her a smile before grabbing the glass, downing the entire glass in one go before Jack takes the glass out of my hands and puts it down on the coffee table, wiping my mouth of any stray water with the back of my hand, finally yet slowly calming down enough to not sound like a wreck. God you’re going to feel like shit in the morning.
Suddenly my stomach starts to churn, my throat starting to get the familiar feeling of burning. Oh god this isn’t going to be pretty. Maybe drinking something wasn’t a clever idea. “I think I’m going to- “throwing a hand over my mouth, shooting up from the couch I run up the stairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door shut a little harder than needed and rushed to the toilet. Dropping to my knees and let my stomach go into the bowl. you deserve this, you deserve this, you deserve this, YOU DESERVER THIS. All the water I had drank now mixed with breakfast leftovers and alcohol comes out like a fountain, tears stinging my eyes. The alcohol burning my esophagus and mouth. I want to cry again so that’s what I do, the pain being too much for me.
After a few minutes I move away from the toilet, dropping down onto the floor my body too exhausted to sit up straight. I curl up into a ball on the floor, my breathing slow and close my eyes. The cold floor is cool to my brain.
A few minutes later I hear a knocking on the door, opening one eye I see the door creak open and Jack’s head peak around the corner. We make eye contact. Jack walks into the bathroom, placing himself next to me, the same saddening look he’s had on his face for the past half hour. I hate seeing that look on his face, it makes me feel terrible. It’s because you are terrible, you’re the reason he’s upset. I watch him close the toilet lid and flush before resting his hand in my hair.
“Are you feeling any better amor?” Jack asks, slowly running his hands in my hair. I stay silent, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up anymore, so I guess that’s a positive. I nod, going to sit up but falls back down slightly. Pro tip, if your head is dizzy and your vision is blurry don’t try and move or stand up.
Jack quickly grabs my shoulders to help me up, steading me with a sad smile. “Let’s get you cleaned up hmm” I nod my head again, Jack helping me stand and move onto the toilet lid, before grabbing a washcloth from the linen shelf and turn on the sink, keeping an eye on me as I sway from side to side slightly.
You don’t deserve this treatment. You don’t deserve to be aided by someone whose kids you almost killed tonight because of your stupid mistake. God I just want to go home so I can wallow in self-pity and let the silence and loneliness kill me.
“Remember the time we got high in the storage room the librarians used to store all the return books? You were so scared we were going to get caught despite me being a genius at hiding spots” Jack chuckled. I smile and let out a small chuckle myself, remembering probably one of my favourite memories from college. That and the time Jack, Rose and I watched House of Wax. I don’t remember a lot of that night as I passed out half an hour into the movie, but I do remember being rudely waken up by a hysterical Jack shaking me with wide eyes closed to crying while Rose was laughing.
“Yeah, that was a good day. Even though I choked almost every time I took a hit and when Rose found out. I’ve never seen her so angry, it’s scary.” Jack lets out a belly laugh that time. “Yeah, she can be like that” We both chuckle at this.
Minutes pass of mainly silence, Jack occasionally making conversation while he cleans the snot and vomit back splash from my face and mouth.
“There we go all cleaned up. Now, I think it’s time we get you some sleep hmm?” Jack smiles lightly, extending a handout waiting for me to take it. I take a hold of his hand, being pulled up off from the toilet seat swaying a little.
“Yeah probably….” I say smiling a little. God sleep sounds excellent at the moment. Some good old sleep before the hang over begins. Jack leads me out of the bathroom, directing me down the hall a little before walking me into the spare room. They may as well turn this room into my room for when I’m over, God knows how many times I’ve fallen asleep in here passed out after almost drinking myself into an early grave. I sit down on the edge of the bed, running my hands over the bedspread, the soft cover sending a little chill down my spin from the nice feeling.
“Let me get you some change of clothes for you to sleep in. I’ll be right back”
“Oh no Jack, I” I stumble on my words “I’m already taking up your time. I worried both Rose and yourself with the kids. I can’t wear your clothes to, I’m being a bother. I’ll just sleep in my clothes it’s no problem”
“Shush now. You’re not being a bother to anyone. I am more than happy to have you here and for me to take care of you” Jack leaves the room, keeping the door open. I flop back onto the bed staring directly up at the ceiling. You should have been more persistent stupid idiot. I know I should just cave and let Jack help me I mean….he’s my best friend, its what we do for each other, we help each other. If I was in Jack’s position I’d help him without a second thought but I…..I….I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve their love, I don’t deserve their help, I don’t deserve to call them family. Sooner or later they’ll all realise what a waste of time I am and dumb me to the curve. I’ll have no one. As you should be, alone. that’s all you ever deserve, alone. no one to love you, no one to care for, no one to care for you.
“I’m back” Jack places some clothes down near my thigh snapping me out of my thoughts. I hope he didn’t see me flinch. “Here we go, do you need my help?”
“No, I should be fine thank you” I go to pull my tie off from around my neck but have some difficulty. Why is this so difficult. It’s just a tie it shouldn’t be that hard. I curse under my breath. “Sorry just…just give me a minute I’ve got this” After a few tries and failing miserably my eyes start to water up again, mentally adding to the list of things I can’t do right and scold myself for it. I stop fumbling with the tie when Jack’s hands lightly push mine to the side.
“Let me help you” he says, beginning to pull the tie off without fail. I bow my head in shame. Wow can’t even undo a tie, useless man. “Felix please stop talking about yourself that way” shit, didn’t keep that one to myself great
“Why? It’s true. I can’t keep a wife; I can’t stay sober long enough to get the kids home on time. I can’t deal with my emotions. What’s so bad about adding ‘cant undo a simple knot’ to the list of failures” My breath hitches in my throat as I try to stop myself from crying again. Tonight, has been awful. I look up at Jack whose eyes stare directly at me, soft but stern. To much to handle I look back down.
“We all make mistakes Felix that doesn’t make us idiots. We’re human, we can learn and grow” Jack takes my tie off completely and tosses it onto the bed behind me. “Do you want me to help with your shirt too?” My face goes red, but I nod my head. “If I can’t undo a tie myself there’s no hope for to undo a simple shirt” Jack gets to work unbuttoning my shirt. This is so fucking embarrassing.
“You’re a good man. A good friend. A good uncle to the kids Fe. Even if you don’t see it yourself” Finished unbuttoning the shirt he pulls it off and throws it with the tie, grabbing onto the pyjama shirt and pulls it over my head.
“It doesn’t really feel like it” I mumble as I slip my arms through the holes of the shirt while looking at the carpet the entire time. The shirt smells like fresh linen and a hint of cigarette smoke and mint. Jack’s signature scent, who he hears heave a small sigh at my statement.
“I’m going to undo your belt buckle and you can do the rest okay?” He says. Fuck me this is so awkward; he shouldn’t be doing this but it’s not like you can you useless man. He’s never going to look at you the same way. He awkwardly grabbing my belt and unlatching it before stepping back, his face a little darker than usually from blushing.
“Okay I’m going to leave the room, but I won’t go far. Just call out to me when you’re done” he says turning around to look at the door.
“T-Thanks Jack…. a lot” I sniffle over the shuffling around of my pants. I pull the belt through its loops, letting the pants fall down onto the floor pooling around my feet. I quickly change into the pyjama bottoms, pulling the drawstrings and typing them to prevent the pants falling down. I sometimes forget just how tall Jack is, I feel so small in his clothes. After I pick up clothes before calling out to Jack to come back. The door opens and in walks Jack, a glass of water in his left hand and a bucket in his other, most likely for me to throw up in if I wake up during the night. How thoughtful.
“Here” Jack hands me the glass “Take sips of it every now and then”
“Thanks…. are you mad at me?” I ask, taking a sip. Jack sighs “Felix, I swear if you keep asking me that….*sigh*….. if I was mad with you, you would know trust me” He smiles weakly at me. I stumble back to the bed to sit down, falling face first into the pillow. Jack chuckles. “You’ve really got to start taking it easy with the drinking”
“I-I know. I’m sorry I’m like this. I’m such a mess…. like all the time” I mumble into the pillow, too tired to turn to look at my friend who attempts to get me into the bed properly instead of half hanging off it.
“What did I saw about all the apologising Felix, please” Jack sighs, I just hum quietly back, sleep starting to take me. Finally, I’m in the bed properly, Jack pulls the blanket from the end of the bed and lays it over my body.
“Tomorrow Rose is going to go retrieve your car from the school” I look up at Jack slightly
“No no it’s okay. I’ll probably leave first thing in the morning. Don’t trouble her” Jack gives me a look. “I doubt it! You need to get some proper sleep!” He crosses his arms looking down at me with a slight smirk knowing he’s correct. Smug asshole.
“O-okay” I rub my face. Jack walks over to the other side of the bed, turning the lamp on so my room isn’t completely dark. He knows how much I hate the dark. I turn around in the bed now resting on my right side smiling at Jack
“Sleep well Fe. If you need anything don’t be afraid to come wake me up” Jack smiles back at me. “Goodnight, Felix, sleep well” He pats my back before walking back the door. “Goodnight, Jack. Thank you again” All I get is a smile before he switches the bedroom light off, the room going dark except for the light next to the bed. I smile at nothing, not hearing Jack footsteps for a few minutes until finally creaks travel blindly out of range. I look over at the side table, my eyes landing on a photograph of Jack and I in collage. I grab the frame to get a better look. Wow look at us hahah still huge nerds
After placing the photo back in its place, I turn onto my back, sighing and staring up at the ceiling again which slightly swirls due to the alcohol. I situate myself under the blankets and quickly let sleep take me into nightmares of what could of happened.