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I think it’s fair to say Mark lost, he knew, after all that battling and conviction that Jaemin was never and will never be sure about him, about what he feels for him.
Mark never knew what love was actually, or maybe his idea was twisted? Because why weren’t Jaemin’s eyes filled with stars when he looked at him, why did Jaemin stiffen when they hugged, why wasn’t it the same love he always heard of?
But Mark also knew that love did exist, and that maybe he wasn’t the one that deserved to experience it, he was so sure about it because he saw it in Jaemin whenever Jeno approached.
Now his eyes had stars, galaxies even, he couldn’t stay one second away from Jeno, neither could Jeno, they were like those strong kitchen magnets that moms put in their freezers and Mark was just a hand trying to separate the inseparable.
It was blatantly obvious that if Jaemin had to pick to save him or Jeno from a burning fire, he’d pick Jeno.
And he’s thankful for that, living in a lie sounds worse than being suffocated to death, cause he knows all those “I love you”s were so empty, they came from his brain not his heart.
I think this was fine to Mark, he was born to let the others be happy, to observe others be happy, to give and sacrifice happiness, not so sure if he was born to experience it.
Knowing that this was his purpose, in this moment he realized he accomplished it, the moment he saw the magnets kissing.
It strangely didn’t hurt, it was more like the confirmation he so badly begged for silently at night whenever Jaemin slept next to him, he wanted this, didn’t he?
He knew that he wasn’t the only one in Jaemin’s heart, perhaps he wasn’t even there, but at least he’s one, he didn’t mind sharing, he didn’t mind being second if it meant to be someone, something.
Nothing changes how badly Mark wishes to turn Jaemin into a stranger, he would safe himself so much despair, he would safe himself from what he’s doing right now.
His relationship with Jaemin seemed more like an investigation for his final thesis, this being the final thesis.
There’s no coming back and that hurted more than anything in this reality, it wasn’t the cheating, it wasn’t seeing the love of your life love someone else and force themselves to be with you, it was none of that, it was knowing he could never in a million years take this experience back.
Even if he dies, the scar in his soul is something that will be carried forever, if he could have one superpower it would be time travel, Jaemin knew this of him but never asked to explain why, Mark was thankful he never did.
Mark was far from an idiot, he saw all of this unfold in front of him yet his heart won over his intelligence and he still gave in, knowing the movie’s ending.
Maybe in another universe he wouldn’t be second option, but that sounds so unrealistic cause Jeno and Jaemin were meant to be, in all universes that could ever exist, two souls that look at each other like that can’t only exist in one reality, it’s a magic that spreads in all of them.
He couldn’t compare, alright? Nothing made him feel as small, useless, inferior, weak than Jeno, even Jeno looked at Mark like he knew, they both knew, he was the one.
Props to Jeno honestly, he also suffered, he watched his soulmate pick someone over him and never lost feelings, he lived a lie for years, he convinced himself that he was second, that if Jaemin had stars in his eyes when they held eye contact then he probably has galaxies when he looks at Mark, that he’d be nothing more than a best friend to Jaemin.
I can’t imagine what would his reaction be if I told him it was the other way around all this time.
I really hope that now that I’m gone, they can make up for the lost time, they can make up for the pain they both went through when they decided that dating was too risky, even if that was their fate all along.
It all makes sense, and it’s pretty fair for me that know that I see Jaemin happy, with smiles that reach his eyes, that my job here is done.
On earth I mean, my job as Mark Lee living on earth is gone, maybe in my next life I’ll live in Mars and be the obstacle of other two lovers and it’ll be like that with Jupiter, Saturn, who knows if the moon can hold lovers too?
Apart from my experience here, I’ll never get to erase Jaemin’s smile from my soul, that scar is there too and I’m sure it won’t heal anytime soon, or ever frankly.
And finally to Jaemin, after all you got what you wanted, I’m proud of you love, I don’t even know if it’s appropriate to call you that anymore, but that’s okay, it never was anyway.
My existence was a burden for too long, it’s time to let you enjoy him as you deserve to, as you should’ve all this time, I’m sorry I took that away from you, but that won’t happen no more.
If I can’t live calling you mine, there’s no point, even if I could and it was a lie, there’s no point. No matter what you decided I would’ve ended up doing this, so take no blame.
I love you, Mark.
xoxo
31/12/2022