Chapter Text
I love you.
Yor can't stop those words from playing over and over again in her head.
It's like a broken record repeating in her head.
The words are stuck with her. Since then, there hasn't been a single moment where she hasn't felt a sudden guilt rise up in her throat that makes her want to throw up.
Those three words left her husband's mouth one night in bed.
She was up reading a book he'd finally convinced her to read in exchange for him sitting down to watch one of her favorite soap operas from the beginning. He'd had an exhausting day at work, and as soon as dinner was over and they showered, he'd fallen asleep in her lap as her hands ran through his blonde locks. This had become normal for them.
She had nothing to worry about.
Until he mumbled those three words in his sleep.
"Yor... I love you..."
She'd never snatched her fingers away from his hair so fast. At that moment, any sense of peace she'd felt completely evaporated as she registered his words. When they finally sunk in, she felt herself becoming overwhelmed by guilt.
Loid loved her.
He loves her, and all she's done for over a year is lie to him.
They hadn't labeled themselves.
Officially, they were husband and wife, but in the walls of their home, they'd gone from partners in crime living under the same room to something more. It started off with light kisses and holding each other on the bad days. The light kisses turned into deeper kisses and holding each other turned into more intimate moments between them. More intimate moments turned into passionate nights and getting their hands on each other whenever they could.
It was something akin to husband and wife, so they'd never questioned it.
Yet, those three words leaving his mouth made her question everything. She's nothing but a liar, and if she tells Loid... Will he be angry? Will he take Anya away from her once he knows there's blood on her hands?
It isn't innocent blood.
Never that.
It's the blood of those who did wrong - of those who were and are trying to disrupt the peace of their country.
I love you.
She can take it in, but she can't stomach it. So, she comes to a decision.
If she wants to keep living this way... Living with Loid and Anya, she'll bet on the small chance that everything will be okay afterward, and she'll tell him.
She'll tell him everything from beginning to end.
And she can only hope she'll still have a family to call her own.
.....
"Yor."
"Huh?"
Loid watches her with worried eyes. His hand is covering hers where the knife is hovering in the air as she cuts vegetables. She can do that competently now.
Loid taught her.
"You were about to cut yourself," he says, nodding his head towards the knife in their hands. He frowns and brings his other hand to rest on her waist. "Are you okay?"
Yor shakes her head as she pulls away. "I-I'm fine," she reassures her husband. "I'm a little tired. That's all."
"You should rest then. I'll finish cutting the vegetables for din-"
"No! It's okay!" She shakes her head. Her smile is small but reassuring. "I have it."
"Alright, then." Loid gives her a small smile in return and kisses her forehead. She freezes. "Just as long as you're okay."
Before he leaves the kitchen, Yor calls out to him. "L-Loid!"
What is she doing?
"I...," she starts, but the words in her mouth refuse to come out. She wants to tell him so badly, but perhaps now isn't the right time.
He looks at her expectantly.
She swallows. "Nothing."
She watches his back as he leaves the kitchen and can't ignore the lump in her throat.
.....
She wants to tell him today.
She really does.
So she can have peace of mind.
So she attempts to one night when they're in her bedroom.
She's aware Loid has noticed the distance between them lately, so she can't say she's surprised when he asks her about it. He asks her if she's alright, and she tells him she is as she plays with the hem of her dress.
He bends down at her knees and asks if she's sure because he's noticed how quiet she's been the last few days. He thinks it's strange.
To keep her husband reassured, she runs a hand through his blonde locks just as he likes it, giving him a small smile before telling him that she's fine.
He kisses her inner thigh and asks if she's sure. She nods, and he presses another kiss inside her thigh. It tickles, but she tries to grab his attention.
"Loid... I..."
He looks up, his green eyes bright and shining. Her mind goes on autopilot. "Nothing," she says.
He breathes against her with a frown. "Yor... Is there something you want to-"
She guides his face to the middle of her legs to silence him.
He doesn't protest as she falls onto her back, lifting her legs over his shoulders as he enters her with his tongue.
She lets out a shudder, gripping her fingers in his hair.
Tomorrow then.
.....
Tomorrow never comes because she winds up on a three-day "business" trip for her next mission.
She's hesitant to leave Anya and Loid by themselves for so long. In fact, she insists on not going, telling Loid that he can't take care of Anya all by himself and that they need her at home.
"We'll be fine," is what Loid tells her with a smile as he holds Anya in his arms.
She frowns.
"Are you sure?" She asks, still unable to move from where she's standing outside the door with her bags. She turns to Anya. "Will you be okay, Peanut?"
"Anya will have lots of fun with Papa and Bond!" She cheers. "Papa said I can have all the peanuts and ice cream I want this weekend."
"I did not say that," Loid clarifies firmly. "I said I would buy you ice cream and a bag of peanuts."
"A?" Anya tilts her head.
"It means one," Loid tells her.
Anya sulks.
Yor laughs as she brushes Anya's hair. "I really don't want to leave you all..." She admits.
"Papa is thinking that he'll miss you," Anya says mischievously, and her husband's face turns red. Yor leans over and kisses him on the cheek. Anya squeals.
Loid clears his throat. "H-Have a good trip, Yor. We'll call you. Or... You can call us. Whichever one."
Yor chuckles. "Of course. Be safe," she says as she picks up her suitcases, still hesitant to leave.
"We'll miss you."
Yor does everything in her power not to burst into tears.
.....
You can't shake her feelings off her entire trip.
She doesn't feel bad about what she does, but she does feel guilty for how long she's hidden it from her husband. Especially since they've entered something along the lines of a relationship.
It just doesn't feel right to be that close to him and lie to him about her second occupation. She'd never even thought that hard about it before that day. Technically, they're both using each other, but something about those words...
Something about her knowing how her husband feels...
I love you.
It's changed how she sees their arrangement altogether.
Now, she never wants to leave. She cares for Loid like he's her real husband and for Anya like she's her own daughter. Why can't she handle knowing she's lying to them?
She stabs the man she's on top of with her golden needle. Blood splashes on her face.
I love you.
Her heart always beats when she thinks of the words. She had figured out long ago how she felt about Loid, but she was... She was content with the situation they'd had. It didn't need to be anything else.
In her mind, as long as she was close to him...
As long as she was close to Anya...
Her feelings didn't matter.
.....
Having been punched breathless in the chest, Yor feels herself lose her breath. She'd been caught off-guard. She hadn't seen the man, but she gets up quickly.
All she wants to do is go home to her husband and child.
That's all she wants.
She stabs the man repeatedly with her knife until she's forced to stop herself and blood has splattered all over her.
He almost stopped her from going home.
She gets up shakingly.
She has to tell him.
.....
Days after she comes home, she plans to tell him everything. But she gets scared and never does.
One night she gets back and, having already removed her bloody clothes, goes to the bathroom to wash up. She's quiet as always, knowing her husband will never hear her footsteps. She turns on the shower and washes the dry blood on her skin away, watching the red go down the drain.
It does nothing but makes her think about her secret even more.
She turns off the shower, so consumed by her thoughts, that she can barely focus, and slips on the floor. She hisses in pain and isn't surprised when she hears a frantic knock on the door.
Her husband is a light sleeper, after all.
"Yor?! Are you alright?!"
She permits him to come in as she hisses again, her towel wrapped lazily around her. She sends him a strained smile as he comes in. "I-I'm okay..." She says quietly as he bends down next to her.
"Are you sure?" He asks, pulling her into his lap and looking over her body for any bruises.
"I-I'm fine!" Yor reassures him again and tries to pull away, but he encircles his arms around her waist, staring at her with that intense stare of his.
"Yor."
When he says her name like that, she knows she has no way out.
She looks away.
"Yor, look at me."
She still refuses to look.
So naturally, he takes it upon himself to make her. And when he cups her chin, turning her face towards him, she can't help the tears that form in her eyes.
Loid immediately looks concerned. "Yor...You're crying. What happened?"
Her only response is to bury her face in his chest.
She's glad he asks no further questions. Instead, he wraps his arms around her tightly and holds her there as she cries.
She doesn't know how long she sits there crying into his chest, but he stays, and that's all that matters.
......
It's when she dresses and joins him in bed later, after she cries and he makes her tea to help calm her and holds her hand throughout, that she wraps her arms around him, burying her face into his back.
"Loid."
She feels him place a hand over hers and he answers softly:
"Yes?"
"Would you... Would you be angry if I were lying to you about something?"
She feels him stiffen.
She wants to run away at that moment. It's the moment right before he squeezes her hands and relaxes against her again.
"Of..." He sighs and squeezes her hands tighter. "Of course not."
She's known her husband long enough to tell when he's lying, so right now, she knows his words are genuine.
"Would you leave me if you knew?"
She hopes he recognizes the hidden message in her words. She knows he does. Her husband is more intelligent than most.
He squeezes her hand again.
"Never," he whispers.
.....
I love you.
The words ring in her head over and over again as she holds a needle to her husband's neck - No.
To the spy's neck.
Agent Twilight.
His blue eyes are full of regret, guilt, and sorrow, and she doesn't like it one bit. It pains her to see it - She knows it was all real.
It is real, right?
The blood from her needle drips onto his face as she holds it above her head with shaking hands. Tears spill out of her eyes as she asks:
"Was it real?"
Loid gives her a pained smile, bringing his hand up to her face to caress it. She hates that she loves his touch. Hates that it's always so comforting. "It was always real."
"Everything?" She whispers.
"Everything," he tells her just as softly.
She can't do it.
She doesn't want to do it.
Because he's her husband.
The father of their daughter.
She's come to care about him far beyond what her contract of the past two years required. It wasn't supposed to evolve into this, yet it did. From their first touch to their first time together to everything they'd experienced before all this.
She loved him.
She lowers the needle slowly, her vision blurred by the tears falling down her face, mixing with dried blood.
"Do you love Anya?"
"I would give my life for her."
He never hesitates with his answers.
"Do you love me?"
"More than I should."
She chokes out a sob, finally dropping the needle to her side. Loid takes this as his opportunity to move and sits up slowly, wincing from the cuts he received from their fight earlier.
Yor's tears keep falling as she whispers, "I love you too."
A weak chuckle escapes Loid's mouth as he leans his head against hers and cradles her face in his hands. "I love you so much, Yor."
And then he pulls her into a gentle kiss. She moves her lips against his in a soft, gentle rhythm. Her tears have made the kiss salty, but she can't bring herself to care.
All that matters at this moment is his lips against hers.
Finally, he pulls away, but he doesn't leave her space. He keeps his forehead against hers and says, "They don't have to know."
The Garden.
WISE.
They don't have to know.
"They don't," she agrees in a whisper.
She grips his jacket.
He wipes her tears.
For once, they're in a lie together.