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It was just a fever.
That's what goes through Jake's mind as the heart monitor shows a flat line and the nurse switches it off
"Time of death 2:30am" she says.
He feels Heeseung's arms tighten around him but Jake doesn't feel anything, it's as if the world has gotten numb around him.
He looks his daughter, lying on the hospital bed. She looks as if she's peacefully sleeping, as if she will wake up in a few hours and call for her Papa.
"She can't be dead" Jake tells himself
She can't be dead, she can't be dead. They had so much to do. What about going to the park on Sunday? What about adopting that dog?
They had so much to do, they had so many plans. She can't leave like this.
"She can't leave like this, she can't leave me like this." Jake breaks down
Heeseung just pulls him closer, wrapping his hands around him.
"She can't be dead Heeseung, no, it was just a fever, why would she die? " Jake cries.
Heeseung doesn't say anything, just tightens his arm around his husband as he cries.
He wonders if it's just a bad dream, that he will wake up in a few moments and find himself in the comfort of his home, if he will hear his daughter call him Appa again.
But this is reality and in this reality Heeseung has just lost a part of himself, in this reality he will never hear Yeri's voice again, he will never hear her sweet laughter when he tickled her. In this reality she's gone, forever.
And Heeseung doesn't know how he will cope with that.
A Ventricular Septal Defect.
Mostly it's a hole in the heart between the lower chambers of the heart. It should have been detected during Yeri's birth. But her biological mother bad dropped her at the fire station and somehow it remained undetected during the Orphanage's health check up.
Jake and Heeseung had adopted Yeri when she was 3 months old. She was their little bundle of joy. After months of waiting for a callback from the Orphanage, they had been overjoyed when they found Yeri. Jake felt his life was complete, the day Yeri called him Papa for the first time. Their family was perfect.
He let Heeseung do most of the talking with the hospital staff regarding the funeral. He just sat in one of the hospital chairs holding Yeri's favourite penguin plushie. He isn't crying anymore, he just feels numb as if someone has just ripped his heart out and stomped on it.
Fate is cruel, Jake realizes.
He sees their friends Jay, Jungwon, Niki and Sunoo rushing through the hospital corridor. Sunoo spots Jake and immediately wraps his arms around him. Sunoo is crying, so is Jungwon and everyone else around him.
He wonders if they cry enough, will the heavens take pity on him and give them back his Yeri?
Jake doesn't register anything around him during the funeral, the world feels hazy. He just nods his head whenever someone offers their condolences. Heeseung beside him is much more composed. Jake wonders how he does it, how he is still so fucking normal, as if they had just not lost their reason to live.
He wonders if the pain will ever lessen, if he will ever be able to live and breathe like a normal person again, if he will ever be able to live without this grief.
Jake doesn't cry even when Yeri's body is put to the ground, he doesn't cry even when Heeseung and him had to leave the cemetery, even when he comes back home and sees Yeri's empty room. He just curls himself on her bed, holds Mr Penguin close to him and tries to inhale the sweet smell of her before it fades away.
8 months later.
Jake resorts to alcohol and for a while it helps, numbing the constant ache in his heart. His performance at work deteriorates until his boss tells him to take a few months off to heal himself.
"Look you are a good employee and you're welcome back at any moment but right now you need to sort yourself out" he tells him.
Jake laughs at the words as if any amount of time in the world will ever heal him. He takes another gulp of his drink, the bitter taste burning his throat. He looks around the bar, its empty apart from a few men. He asks the bartender for another when his phone rings.
Its Heeseung.
"Where the fuck are you Jake?" Comes Heeseung's voice from the other side.
He sounds tired, exhausted. As if Jake's the one behaving irrationally. Sometimes Jake feels he is the only one who's lost his daughter, Heeseung has resumed a week after the funeral. He sometimes hangs out with his friends and he even signed himself up for therapy.
Jake remembers when Heeseung had asked him to join, how Jake has burst out at the thought of ever letting Yeri go.
"What the fuck would a random person would ever tell me that would make it less painfull?" Jake asks as he looks at therapy pamphlets Heeseung has given him.
"Baby we need to talk to someone, we need to let her go and move on with our lives" Heeseung tries to tell him.
"I don't want to let her go" Jake screams.
"Baby-" Heeseung tries to pull Jake closer as if to comfort him.
But Jake flinches his hand away as if Heeseung's touch had burned him, as if the very person he vowed to love everyday has become a stranger to him.
"No no no I won't let her go, she's my baby Heeseung and she's gone, fucking gone. Dead. And I am supposed to move on, how can I ever fucking do that?" Jake tells him.
Heeseung doesn't reply and Jake runs out and locks himself up in Yeri's room.
Heeseung never asks again.
"I don't know" Jake says, his words slurry.
Heeseung just sighs "Jake can you tell me what you see around yourself?"
Jake describes the bar he is currently at before Heeseung recognizes it.
"Wait for me there" he says before cutting the phone.
Jake takes another gulp of the drink. He feels dizzy as if the world around him is floating.
He barely recognizes Heeseung's voice as he is lifted up from his chair and carried to the car. He looks at Heeseung in his drunken daze, his husband looks older, Jake can make out the dark circles beneath his eyes.
He remembers meeting Heeseung in his Junior year of college. Heeseung had been his senior but somehow they shared the same computer programming class. It had been love at first site for Jake and even though he had a boyfriend back then, he had been ready to throw his morals out of the windows for Heeseung.
When Heeseung had told him that he reciprocated his feelings, Jake had been over the moon. His love story with his Heeseung had been like something out of the romance novel, Jake believes.
But right now, he barely recognizes the man he once called the love of his life. Yeri's death had stood up a barrier between them, one Jake doesn't know if he even wants to break it.
As Heeseung lays him down on the bed, Jake mind wanders to the day Yeri died. He remembers crying in Heeseung's arms, remembers the pain.
But Heeseung had been so stoic, Jake doesn't even remember him shedding one tear.
"You didn't cry" Jake says
Heeseung looks at him in surprise "Huh?"
"You didn't cry the day Yeri died" Jake repeats
Heeseung doesn't reply. He just leaves the room and Jake lets his drunk self pass out.
Jake wakes up with a killer hangover. His head feels like splitting open. He slowly makes his way to the kitchen where Heeseung wordlessly hands him a a cup of coffee and some hangover medicine.
"We need to talk" Heeseung says.
"Later" Jake mumbles out as he sips on his coffee.
"No" Heeseung says, his voice firm. "We need to talk now"
And that is how, Jake finds himself sitting himself in the living room, opposite his husband. He sees the packed suitcase beside Heeseung and Jake doesn't know if it surprises him at all.
"I can't do this anymore Jake" Heeseung tells him.
"So you are just gonna leave because things are hard right now?" Jake asks, his tone bitter.
"You refuse to get better Jake, you refuse to get help and I can't see you killing yourself like this" Heeseung replies.
"So you are taking the easy way out?" Jake asks him
"NO" this is the first time since Yeri's death that Heeseung has raised his voice at Jake. " How could you say that? "
"Then why are you leaving?" Jake screams
"Because can't you see we are killing each other?" Heeseung yells back.
And Jake doesn't know how to reply to that, he doesn't know how to stop Heeseung as he walks away with his suitcase and a simple "I am sorry" thrown at Jake.
Jake just sits on the living room couch for a while and then finally gets up and goes to the kitchen cabinet and brings out the bottle of whisky to numb the pain.
The whole divorce process is like a blur to Jake. Heeseung doesn't ask for much and Jake is left with pretty much everything including the house.
Jake spots him in a coffee shop with arm around a woman, a month later.
He continues to drink his days away and before Jake can even realize, it's one year to Yeri's death.
Jake doesn't know how to visit her, doesn't know how to face her when he feels like a shell of a man.
So he isolates himself in the house, ignores the calls from his friends. He locks himself up in Yeri's room and drinks till he passes out.
Jake wakes up again, disgruntled and dizzy. He doesn't know what time it is. He tries to walk when he trips over something.
It's a small box. He remembers Yeri used to call it her treasure box and she did not let anyone touch it. Jake slowly opens it and finds few pictures and some birthday cards.
He goes through the pictures, there's one with Jay and Jungwon at their wedding. Yeri is standing between them in a floral dress. (Jake remembers her walking before Jungwon, being the adorable flower girl she is.) There's some pictures with Sunoo and Niki, and a few with him and Heeseung.
But the last picture catches Jake's eyes. They are in the pool, 2 days before her death. She is on Jake's shoulder and they are both laughing. Jake looks at the necklace she is wearing around her neck, the matching one Jake is wearing. Inside it is a picture of three of them, a gift which Jake has given to her on her 7th birthday.
Jake flips the back and there's written in Yeri's handwriting.
My best friend in the whole world, always be happy.
The words ring in Jake's mind. Jake hold the picture close to him as sobs racks through his body.
He cries until there aren't anymore tears left in him, he cries because he misses his daughter, his husband and his life.
He has to get better, Jake tells himself, if not for himself then for his daughter.
For the first time in a while Jake doesn't wake up hungover. He throws the alcohol bottles away and calls up his friends. Jake doesn't know where he will go from here, but he is willing to try.
He cleans the house, cleaning Yeri's room in the process, something which he had never thought he would be able to do. He calls back at his work, asking if they still have space for him.
And lastly he signs himself up for a therapy. (It's actually a support group for people who have lost someone close to them)
He is a little nervous on his first day there, a little awkward telling his story to a bunch of unknown people. But they offer him a sense of solidarity, that he is not alone in this pain and Jake feels more at ease with time.
A month later
Jake was walking to his car after his support group meeting has ended when he sees a familiar face in the parking lot, someone Jake has known a very long time ago.
Park Sunghoon, his ex boyfriend from college before Heeseung came into his life.
He doesn't know if he should greet him or he should turn away, act like he had not seen him. But Sunghoon then catches his stare and softly waves at him.
"Hey it's been a while" Sunghoon says.
Sunghoon is still ethereally handsome, age has clearly not affected him. After they had broken up, Jake really hasn't tried to keep up with him. He knows his friends are still in touch with him but Jake has never really asked.
And Jake just gives him a small "yeah"
It's awkward between them, not because of Sunghoon but because Jake doesn't know how to talk to him normally.
"What are you doing here?" Jake finally asks.
"Oh I am here to pick up my sister, she started here today" Sunghoon says.
And Jake's mind to goes to their newest member, a woman in her mid twenties who had lost both her husband and son in a car accident. Jake remembers Yeji, Sunghoon's bubbly and energetic sister. The woman he saw today looked so broken, so frail that Jake couldn't even recognize her.
" I am sorry, I didn't recognize her" Jake tells him.
Sunghoon doesn't ask him what he is doing here and for that Jake is thankful. Instead he asks about his job, his parents.
"Oppa you ready to go?" Yeji asks Sunghoon.
"Yeah sure, you go wait in the car" he tells her.
And then Sunghoon turns to Jake and says "Jay told him what happened."
And before Jake can even reply,Sunghoon continues " You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to but if you ever need a friend, I am here"
Jake wordlessly nods and Sunghoon walks away to his car. He gives Jake another small smile.
And for the first time in a while, Jake doesn't fake it when he smiles back.
7 years later
Jake sits in front of Yeri's grave, for the first time in since her death 8 years ago.
"Yeri-ah, I am sorry that Papa is so late" Jake says.
In the 8 years, Jake has thought about visiting Yeri but he had been afraid. He did not know what he was gonna say to her, he was afraid that he would relapse if sees her grave. But overtime, with continuous talks about it with his therapist, his friends and Sunghoon, he finally found the courage to see her again.
" I was a little lost Yeri-ah. I did not know how to see you again. I miss you, a lot actually. Everytime I eat mint choco ice cream, everytime I see a cute puppy I miss you. I have this really cute poodle now, her name is Gaeul, you would have loved her." Jake says with a laugh
He then unclaps the necklace around his neck and puts it on her grave.
"Yeri-ah your papa loves you very much and I will love you till the day I die. Being your papa was the best thing that happened to me. But I have to let you go now baby . Let's meet again someday" Jake tells her.
He stands up and looks at her grave again.
Lee-Sim Yeri
2011-2022
A loving daughter and friend
Jake feels another presence beside him and turns to see Heeseung. He looks much more older and matured than Jake has last seen him. He is holding flowers in his hand, white daffodils, Yeri's favourite.
"Hey it's been a while" Heeseung tells him
"Yeah" Jake replies and then asks "How are you?"
"Good actually " He replies
"I heard from Niki about your son, Congratulation Heeseung" and there's no sadness in Jake's voice anymore. When Niki had told him that Heeseung had a son, Jake had only felt happiness for him.
Heeseung thanks him and then asks " what about you? "
"I am doing good too" Jake answers.
They stand together in a moment of silence before Jake decides it time for him to go.
"It was good to see you Heeseung" he tells him before he starts to walk away.
"I did cry that day" Heeseung suddenly says.
Jake turns around in surprise. "Huh?"
"The day Yeri died, I did cry. I just didn't want to break down in front of you. I am sorry if I ever made you feel like you were alone in this" Heeseung tells him.
Jake doesn't know how to reply at first, he had made Heeseung this opposition, an enemy, someone who had left Jake at his lowest. But they both had suffered, they both had lost a piece of themselves that day.
"I am sorry too" He replies.
Sunghoon is looking at his phone when Jake gets into the car. He looks at Jake, he can see the Jake's puffy eyes and the tear marks on his cheeks.
Jake doesn't say anything as he sits in the car. Seeing Yeri after so long has brought him the closure he has desperately needed in the last 8 years. He feels as if a burden has been lifted of his shoulder, as if he can breathe and live like a normal person again.
"You okay?" His husband asks him.
And Jake looks at Sunghoon, a worried expression painting his face. Jake interwines their fingers, their matching wedding bands shining as the sunlight comes in through the windows.
"Yeah" and Jake isn't lying this time.
(Later as they would cuddle on their couch, a disney movie playing on the tv, Jake would feel that the space on the couch is a little empty. He would think about the feeling of being called Papa again, he would think about doing disney movie marathons with them, he would think about taking them to school and watching them grow up.
When Jake and Sunghoon had started dating Jake had told him that he might never be ready to have kids again, that he might never love another person the way he loved Yeri.
" I am ready to wait forever for you" Sunghoon had told him.
And Jake thinks he might never love someone the way he loved Yeri, but he can love them nonetheless.
"Hoon-ah, I think I am ready" he says.
Sunghoon doesn't need to be explained what he is talking about. A grin spreads out on his face, as he leans into kiss Jake on the lips.
"Let's call the orphanage the first thing in the morning")