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Ike stared out of the window of a rundown bus station. The rain was roaring outside and he was cold and miserable. He turned up the music in his phone and leaned against the window sill. There was nothing to do other than wait for the rain to stop.
The rain made everything gloomy and dark, but somehow Ike liked it more than the sunny and windy days. Those bright days made him remember too much of the life he had when he still lived in this town. He remembered the happy and carefree moments when all he cared about were getting good grades and pursuing his hobbies. He remembered the smiling faces of his friends and family.
He remembered Shu.
Shu Yamino was one of his best friends when he was still in school. He was smart and quick-witted, and was always there to lend a helping hand. He was good in both studies and sports, but he never gloated. Instead, he was friendly with everyone and would humor anyone with a good joke. His presence was so big that there was a tangible gaping space whenever he wasn’t around.
To Ike, Shu was a shining existence. But to Shu, Ike was probably just someone in his circle of friends.
Each day, Shu would come to class and sit beside Ike to bother him or discuss class stuff with him. And each day, Ike fought the urge to just tell Shu how much he liked him. He did not want to ruin their friendship in case things become awkward, moreso make their relationship weird and cause their circle trouble. He had intended to keep his feelings to himself and act like a normal friend. Maybe it was just puppy love, you know? Maybe he would outgrow it eventually.
But there were times when Shu would look gently at him and smile, or give him food and things he liked, or play with his hair as he hummed. And the emotions would make Ike’s heart swell until he couldn’t take it anymore.
One day, during a class activity, Ike entered a vacant classroom to look for art supplies and was surprised to find Shu sleeping on one of the desks. He must’ve taken a break from painting and accidentally fell asleep. Clicking his tongue, Ike approached the other guy to wake him up.
But the way Shu’s eyes fluttered as he dreamed and the way his fringe gently trembled in the breeze made Ike’s breath hitch. He resisted the urge to touch that face but he sat down in front of the desk and watched Shu sleep.
Without even thinking, Ike impulsively opened the small bottle of ink he was carrying and dipped his finger in it. Lightly, he wrote on the back of Shu’s hand, which was stretched out before him on the desk. Three little words, written within a minute.
i love you
When Ike realized what he had done, he immediately regretted it. He bit his lip and looked around for a tissue or wet wipes to remove the words, but Shu was starting to stir and wake up. Hastily, Ike ran out of the room and went to hide in the library.
“Why on earth did I do such a thing?” Ike muttered as he slowly trudged back to the room, carrying some books for class. By some luck, the librarian had some books she asked Ike to bring to the classroom. By carrying them, he could hide his pointer finger that’s stained with ink.
As he approached the classroom, he heard loud voices and laughing. Shu was already there, confronting everyone and asking them who the hell wrote on his hand. He didn’t seem mad, but he became quiet when people started teasing him. Maybe he didn’t like it and thought it was disgusting.
Ike leaned against the side of the door and sighed. He shouldn’t have done that. He took a deep breath and prayed that his feelings wouldn’t show on his face. Then, he opened the door, but before he could even enter, he had run into Shu himself.
“Oh sorry, Ike!” Shu exclaimed as they bumped into each other. “Are you alright?” He reached down to help Ike, but Ike couldn’t give his hand. If he did, Shu would see his stained finger.
“I’m fine,” he said instead and occupied himself with picking up his books and stacking them once more. “You’re awake. You were sleeping so soundly in the room next door.”
“Wait, you went to the classroom to check on me?” Shu asked.
Ike internally frowned. He had almost given himself away because of that unconscious remark. “No way. I asked Mysta to do it since I was busy. You should find something to do here or you’ll get scolded.” He immediately pushed past Shu to enter the classroom lest he outs himself even further.
Shu didn’t come back to the room until much later, when Ike had already gained control of his facial expressions.
---
“I’m kind of worried about the person who left this note on my hand,” Shu was saying as they relaxed in the classroom during their break. “I mean...it took a lot of courage to do this, but I still can’t tell who they are.”
Luca chewed on his bread as he spoke. “Maybe you should sleep again and wait for them to come back and write on you more!”
“Nah,” Mysta said, crossing his arms over his chest as he decided to share his grand plan. “We’ll post an ad on the bulletin board calling for the person who left a love note on Shu’s hand. Then, we tell them Shu will be waiting by the rooftop. Then we wait for someone to come and then interrogate them!” Everyone burst out laughing but Mysta seemed confused.
Ike shook his head as he heard the guys’ suggestions from outside the room. He took a deep breath before entering the classroom with a small smile. Vox was telling Shu something about waiting, but Ike was too occupied with keeping a straight face that he didn’t hear it.
“Ike...” Shu called out to Ike the moment he entered. Smiling despite his nervousness, Ike made a beeline for Shu’s seat and patted the young man’s back. “You’re smart, Shu. I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon.” Shu looked at him with such a touched expression that Ike wanted to cry. “But if it’s bothering you too much, I suggest you just forget about it. If it’s a real confession, I’m sure the one who wrote it will feel bad if you feel anxious like that.”
Ike then settled on his seat which was conveniently just beside Shu’s. He gave everyone a small smile and adjusted his glasses as he opened his book. He kept a straight face but he was unconsciously reading the same first line of the page over and over.
“Ike,” came Shu’s voice again. This time it was softer.
Ike looked up and turned to Shu, who made a gun with his fingers and acted like he’s shooting him. “What are you doing?” he asked as he shook his head. Shu only chuckled but continued to watch him.
Inside, Ike really felt like he was shot. His heart hurt as he realized that he couldn’t stop liking Shu. He was just too precious for Ike to let go.
He decided to confess properly once Shu finds out who wrote the words on his hand.
But Shu never found out. In fact, he had stopped caring about the strange note altogether.
Or maybe he knew who it was. Because after some time, Ike noticed that Shu started maintaining a distance between them.
Ike took it as a sign to never speak of that confession or his feelings ever again.
---
Ike woke up from his stupor as the music in his ears ceased. It was still raining cats and dogs outside. He could barely see anything. It was getting late and soon, the station will be covered in darkness. He prayed that he would be able to leave soon.
Leave, huh? Ike had left the town after graduation. He said it was because his parents wanted him to study in another city, but that was just partly true. He was greatly troubled with the way Shu and he seemed to have drifted apart. He concluded that the only way to completely let go of his feelings was to move away. And so he did.
He buried himself in his studies then immediately pursued a writing career, which fortunately flourished. He surrounded himself with work and more work until there was no space in his mind to think back to a bright day with the image of Shu sitting by a window and smiling at him as they chatted. He refused to come home or contact anyone from their town to forget.
Yet it only took a few steps into the streets of his old town for them memories to come rushing through like a river current. Every place, every thing reminded him of Shu and how they roamed around town with their friends. Even now as he sat in the old station, the image of Shu happily laughing as they joked around while waiting for the bus was so vivid in his mind.
Ike made a face and lightly banged his head against the window. He needed to move on. He hadn’t even seen Shu in the few days that he’d been here. He’s probably happy somewhere with a family or a lover already. The image made Ike feel like he was tearing up inside.
“...Ike Eveland?”
Ike still drowning in his negative thoughts, looked up. His mouth immediately hung open as he stared at the man who just stepped into the station.
“Wait...are you Shu?”
It was Shu. He was almost unrecognizable because his hair was a bit shorter and he himself had become taller. He was wearing a summer suit that was completely drenched, and droplets of water streamed down his surprised face. Ike couldn’t tell how he felt. All he knew was that it felt like he had the wind knocked out of his lungs.
“Yeah, Shu Yamino.” Shu sat down on the same bench, just a few inches apart, and tried to wring water out from his sleeves. “When did you come back?” he asked.
Ike couldn’t help but smile at the way Shu ran fingers through his hair. His mannerisms were still the same. He explained that he was just there for a change of pace as he wrote his novel. There was something in Shu’s smile when he said it. Somehow, it felt like Shu was proud of him for becoming a novelist. Ike wondered if he was reading too much into things.
Shu was quiet for a bit, his elbows resting on his knees as he watched the rain outside. Then, he said, “It’s been a while.”
Ike could only nod with a sad smile. “Yes...it has been a while.”
They watched the rain outside for a bit in entire silence. Yet it didn’t bother Ike. He and Shu had often sat together after school to work on separate things. It wasn’t about the talking but the sharing of presence to comfort each other.
What was bothering Ike was the fact that despite the rain, he could still hear Shu’s every breath and sigh. He could feel a slight warmth from the other man as they sat beside, but not too close to, each other. He clasped his hands together to stop his fingers from shaking.
Suddenly, Shu spoke. “You didn’t keep in touch with us.” Ike flinched, but Shu continued. “I mean...the others also wondered how you are.”
Ike looked down to his shoes. He did not return nor contact them on purpose. But honestly, even if he could, it would’ve been difficult given his life in the city. “I was...too busy surviving,” he answered as he kept his eyes on the ground. “My work and studies kept me busy the whole time.” It was not a lie, but he felt guilty giving that kind of excuse.
Shu didn’t answer. This time, the silence was heavy between them. Shu looked deep in thought, and Ike wondered if the young man disliked him even more now. Gathering courage, Ike decided to break the silence and talk about something—anything.
“So, how are you, Shu?” Ike began.
Are you healthy? Are you busy with work? Are you happy? Ike wanted to ask him. But instead, the first thing that came out of his mouth was one he had wanted to ask for a long time.
“Any lovers? Are you dating?” It was too late to take back the question, and Ike could only smile after asking it.
“No, I don’t.” Shu’s answer came abruptly. “I’ve never dated.”
Ike stared at him with wide eyes. He didn’t have any sort of relationship? Shu was not unpopular, and he could have dated anyone. But the idea that Shu was still single made Ike’s heart skip a beat. He immediately looked away, afraid that his face would show his innermost feelings. Instead, he doodled and wrote on the fogged up window pane. “I—I see,” Ike said, silently scolding himself for stammering. “That’s a pity. Weren’t you popular when we were in school?”
i love you
Ike was aghast at the words he saw written on the window pane—words he himself wrote. He was too distracted and ended up writing the same words he wrote on Shu’s hand ages ago. As he raised a hand to rub the words away, he heard Shu take a deep breath.
“I didn’t know, honestly. I was too busy thinking of someone to bother about others.”
Ike whipped his head around in surprise. His eyes met Shu’s shining ones. Unblinking, Shu continued.
“But he went to another city before I could tell him about my feelings so...” Shu looked a bit flustered as he spoke, but his eyes never left Ike’s.
Feeling exposed, Ike looked away from those bright purple eyes. “What...what are you talking about?” He wrung his hands together as he tried to stop his brain from overprocessing what was going on.
But Shu didn’t give him time to even breathe. “What I’m saying is...after all this time, I’ve only liked one person.” Ike could feel Shu’s gaze piercing into him. “It’s you, Ike. I couldn’t tell you for so long....but it’s you.”
Ike almost stopped breathing. The overwhelming feeling of just being near Shu, the fuzziness inside him whenever he locked gazes with Shu—everything was just coming out at once and drowning him. Yet despite all that, the memory of a rejection was like a stab marring everything. “But...didn’t you reject me?” he asked in a small voice, as if he was afraid to bring it up. He wanted to run away from this...it felt too good to be real.
But Shu’s hand grasped his arm. “What are you saying?” he asked. The young man then gently made him turn towards him so he can grab both of his shoulders. “I would never. It’s my fault I never confessed my feelings for you, but I would have never rejected you!”
Ike finally took a deep breath. So did that mean he didn’t really know who wrote the confession on his hand? Did that mean he wasn’t avoiding Ike because he knew? The memory of the confession that Shu never realized somehow made Ike suddenly embarrassed. “Are you seriously...after all this time?” He tried hiding his face behind his hands—this was just too much for him to take in—but Shu had grasped those hands and moved them away.
“I’m sorry it has taken so long. But the truth is that I have been in love with you ever since.”
Ike trembled. The reason for his escape to the city and his decision to not come back or contact anyone...it was nonexistent. If only he had confessed that it was him who wrote the confession that day, would they have ended up in a better place? Or was it really necessary for them to be separated in order to realize everything?
Shu was still speaking, but Ike couldn’t hear anything anymore. All he could hear was the pulse of blood rushing to his ears and face and the great desire to kiss the man in front of him—something he had wanted to do for years.
He found himself reaching up to cradle Shu’s face and then kissing him.
Shu stiffened at the sudden contact, and Ike instantly regretted it and wondered if he made the wrong move. But Shu responded and held his waist with both arms. Overwhelmed, Ike grasped Shu’s neck and melted into the kiss, the various emotions flooding him escaping in the form of tears.
“Why are you crying?” Shu asked as he pulled back and removed Ike’s glasses to wipe his tears.
“I don’t know...I just...” Ike laughed despite his tears. Shu then embraced him tightly, placing a hand on his nape and gently patting him. Ike couldn’t help but lean into Shu’s chest. “It’s weird and I can’t explain it. But this feels like I’ve finally come home.”
The mixture of emotions pouring out of his heart was inexplicable. But somehow, it made Ike remember a scene from a long time ago, on a bright clear morning when he opened the door to the classroom and saw Shu standing by the window and smiling at him. It was bright, warm, and happy—just like how Shu had always been.
It was home. Shu was his home.
As Shu looked out of the window, Ike whispered against his chest. “I love you, too.”
--END--