Work Text:
Satina’s fingers on her left hand were growing numb. And her thighs for that matter, having her feet tucked under them for hours on end. And her back was aching. Despite all this, despite her body screaming out for a mere inch of movement over the long days, something kept her glued to the floor of that Ecclasian temple, holding the hand of a woman who couldn’t seem to wake up.
Satina knew that part of it was self-loathing. No matter what anyone told her, a part of her felt as if she had been directly responsible for the near death of this person that had, against all odds, looked past her stumbling introduction and showed her nothing but grace and kindness. But Satina also knew that something else kept her fingers intertwined with Ael’s through the long days and nights. It was a warm feeling that crept up her chest and into her throat whenever she looked at the unconscious woman, pale and weak but still desperately fighting for each shaky breath. It was a sensation that Satina hadn’t felt in many years. She wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Just like she wasn’t sure how to feel about the way the attending healers looked at her with a knowing gaze tinged with pity, like they had solved a puzzle that Satina hadn’t yet found all the pieces for.
After several days and nights by Ael’s side, drifting between anxious waking and nightmare-laden dreaming, Iselda and Lock successfully convinced Satina to take a break from her vigil. She began to spend her days on long walks, sometimes alone, other times with a companion. But at night, she would always resume her position on the floor next to Ael, unable to find rest anywhere else.
It took a week before Ael’s breaths began to even out. Satina let out a sigh of relief when she first witnessed the other woman’s chest rise and fall in an unburdened manner. Another week and Satina was jolted awake when she felt Ael’s fingers twitch beneath her own. One more and she began muttering words that Satina desperately tried to decipher.
When Ael finally woke, blinking and groaning, Satina had to fight back the urge to crush her with a hug. She compromised by resting a gentle hand on her shoulder. With what looked like immense effort, Ael turned to meet Satina’s gaze, and she swore in that moment that her heart had stopped for a second time.
Satina did her best to explain what had happened, caught between wanting to express her guilt and not wanting to drive Ael away. When Ael told Satina that it wasn’t her fault, she had to turn away so that she wouldn’t see the tears welling up in her eyes. She gripped the other woman’s hand in an initial response as she found the words to explain that she was working hard to understand that perspective.
Satina spent the last few days before her departure to Slyrun glued to Ael’s side. Whenever the weakened woman made a request, ranging from water to some metal to keep her hands busy, Satina rushed to meet her needs as quickly as possible. At one point on Satina’s last night, Ael placed one slightly unsteady hand over Satina’s.
“You don’t have to do this you know,” she muttered, her tired face lifted from the pillow. “You don’t have to wait by me while I sleep. Or any time for that manner. I don’t want you hurting yourself to absolve your guilt or anything like that.”
Satina gave Ael’s hand a gentle squeeze. “It’s not about that. I want to do this, I promise. I…” she trailed off, looking outside of one of the windows. “I know how important it is to have someone by your side when you go through something like this. I wish someone had done that for me. It’s…it’s not a burden to sit with you.”
Ael smiled weakly. “That’s ridiculous. But…thank you.”
When Satina arrived back to what was once her home, the sea breeze and the warm embraces of her family did little to calm the tempest of feelings churning in her gut. While she smiled as she heard Rein’s tales of their partner, she had to catch herself as she was about to bring up the person waiting for her back in Ecclasia. She could tell that her mother was dying to ask her about the years that had passed since they last exchanged letters, but she kept the conversation light and away from the thoughts swirling in her head. When Rein and Tinaja proclaimed their love for one another in the midst of the sea spray, Satina felt her eyes well up with tears. For the first time in fifty years, she admitted to herself that she wanted something like this. Someone to look her in the eye and say that she was enough, regardless of the years that had beaten her down and scarred her until she couldn’t remember what it felt like to have a quiet mind. Someone to hold her through the terrors that crept from behind closed eyes and promise her that there’s something worth waiting for on the other side. Someone to grow with and walk beside as she braved the rest of her days one at a time.
And what terrified her the most was her next realization: that when she recognized these sentimental desires, when she allowed herself to dream of what could be, she saw only one face in her visions. It hit her like a ton of bricks to her diaphragm, causing her heart to race and her mind to begin retracing every step that she had taken to arrive at this moment.
Satina was terrified. But she was falling in love nonetheless.