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For the first time in his 40 years of existence, Ahn Jeongwon is faced with a big challenge he didn’t see coming. A curveball the universe threw his way that he is now willing to deal head-on after months of repression, self-denial and endless internal battles with himself.
He knows what he wants now. Who he wants, who he needs. Letting go of a mirage he had held on for years led him to a new dream which he knows that God has put in his heart to pursue and achieve – her.
A life with Jang Gyeoul.
He has only one, tiny bit of a problem: he doesn’t know how to take that first little big step to make that dream a reality.
As a born planner and overthinker, his instinct tells him that he needs the counsel of friends who are far wiser and experienced in this area to guide him to do the right thing and help him plan to realize his dream.
But truth be told, given the resources he has at hand, he doubts if he can even trust them to help him solve this challenge.
He has four best and trusted friends -- all considered experts in their chosen medical fields. But with matters of the heart? He thinks they are just as clueless as he is.
Jeongwon doesn’t even know if he can trust them to give him the best advice on how to ask someone to be in a relationship with him because at 40, even with a two-decade head start on him in the dating game, they currently find themselves practically in the same boat as him - the one they always jokingly refer to as the 40-year old virgin – all very single and apparently still very clueless in love and dating.
Two of them are divorced (both by circumstance and by choice) men. One is a recently divorced single father whose life admittedly revolves around just one person – a 5-year old son that makes his universe complete.
The other one has shunned dating after a painful traumatic divorce and his only source of happiness at the moment is dating his eomma every other weekend and watching variety shows in his free time.
Another guy is single and never been married but he is a serial-dater whom people at work secretly call Thanos. He is probably Jeongwon’s best bet among the three guys to help him on the dating front but he is still unconvinced, given Thanos’s reputation of having disposable relationships that only last three months, at the longest (although Jeongwon must admit, this current one his roommate is dating seems to be lasting longer than his usual).
The fourth one is a woman whom others call a psychic because of her ability to read minds. Of the four, Jeongwon seeks and trusts her counsel the most. It is also not a secret to him that she has been dating all sorts of assholes and jerks in the last two decades so he doesn’t know if she would be able to forgive his jerk attitude towards Gyeoul in the last eight months if she ever learns about them.
While all of them are obvious veterans in the world of dating and relationships, Jeongwon could not bring himself to trust them with his personal dilemma that had been the source of his headaches of late.
How do I tell a woman that I like her without scaring her (or scaring myself) away?
Lee Ikjun, his self-proclaimed cupid and Yulje Hospital’s inssa, probably has ready answer to that question but after the unsolicited follow-your-heart-not-your-head talk he gave him several weeks ago, Jeongwon could not bring himself to give Ikjun the satisfaction to know that he has been right all along and that his cupid efforts have not been for naught.
Sure, he is thankful for Ikjun for giving him that additional push to contemplate his choices and for looking after Jang Gyeoul like the mentor she needed and he wanted to be (if not for his repressed and conflicted feelings getting in the way) but Jeongwon likes to be petty and he holds little grudges when he is jealous and for the past six months or so, he has been jealous of Ikjun’s closeness with Gyeoul that he thinks he will enjoy keeping his nosy friend in the dark about his feelings for their favourite resident a little longer than he should.
That saekki doesn’t always have to be the first to know about everything, right? Although sometimes, when Jeongwon thinks how he introduced Ikjun to his ex-wife who ended up cheating on him, he somehow feels guilty and just wants to spill his guts to his newly divorced friend… but no. He doesn’t want to risk the possibility of Ikjun confessing to Gyeoul on his behalf.
Dammit, no. He doesn’t trust that chatterbox to this extent.
Yang Seokhyeong? Asking that mama’s boy for dating advice is like announcing to both of their moms (and Chairman Jungsu, for sure) that he, the former priest wanna-be who just a few weeks ago had just booked a ticket to Italy, is in love with his own resident. Before said resident even knows about it. Just the thought of it sends goose bumps to rise on his arms. No way.
And Seokhyeong did say he has not dated since his divorce so Jeongwon cannot possibly trust his friend’s rusty skills on dating even if he wants to.
He wants to do it right for Gyeoul. He wants his confession to be perfect. Jang Gyeoul deserves no less from him after all he has put her through.
He has half the mind of asking Kim Junwan for advice since he is someone who minds his own business and unlike Seokhyeong, he doesn’t tell his mother random personal things about his friends. Unlike Ikjun or Seokhyeong, he is sure that Junwan won’t tattle him to anyone and he is the most experienced in dating among his three guy friends.
Since Jeongwon met him twenty years ago, Junwan has never had a dry spell in dating. He always has a girlfriend (even if each girlfriend is replaced by another every three months or as frequent as Jeongwon’s quarterly loan payments) and this fact alone makes him credible in the girl department in Jeongwon’s eyes.
For sure, Junwan knows all the tricks on how to confess to a girl without losing your wits and that is all what Jeongwon desperately needs right now.
The only setback is that Junwan is probably just waiting for the perfect chance to counter Jeongwon’s Hawaii blackmail on him and Jeongwon fears that his snarky roommate slash housemate will use this opportunity to get back on him. What if Junwan will go tell Jang Gyeoul about his feelings before he can even tell her himself? He had terrorized a lot of residents with less ammunition and banal reasons. He could casually drop Jeongwon’s truth bomb on an unsuspecting Gyeoul in the elevator, at the cafeteria or even in the hallways.
Jeongwon can actually imagine that jerk doing that just to spite him.
Andwaeee!
That leaves Chae Songhwa as the only option for him. But Songhwa already knows about his feelings for Gyeoul (even without telling her which kinda gives him the chills to be honest. Is he really that transparent? How???) and she did say that she fully supports his decision to stay and abandon his priesthood dreams. And with unveiled giddiness, he acted so confidently, telling her that she should keep his change of plans a secret from the boys for the meantime until he tells Gyeoul about it.
Songhwa was so convinced that he already got everything figured out that he just could not bring himself to ask her for dating advice now. Not after she was singing him praises of being generous and kind using that strange but witty food metaphor. He could not possibly admit to her now that he is a 40-year old clueless craven fool, could he? Or an ass with neutered balls who treated the girl he likes badly in the last few months. Songhwa will surely be disappointed with him.
Besides, she is moving to Sokcho in a few days and she has a lot on her plate right now, on top of her health concerns. He does not want to add up to Songhwa’s endless to-do list. His good friend deserves to be spared of the consequences of his cowardice and repressed foolishness.
Which leaves him with no one, out of his four best friends, to rely on. Great.
Peterhyung?
He rebukes the thought as soon as it comes up in his wary mind. No way. His eldest brother is the last one he would go to for dating advice. He might have counselled and officiated the marriage of a lot of couples by now but Jeongwon knows that you don’t go to a priest when you want advice on how to win the girl who changed your life. Especially if said priest is your biological brother who has a reputation of being the family’s source of juicy gossips. He shudders at the thought of his hyung casually dropping in one of their family dinners that their maknae went for him for dating advice.
Shiro!
That leaves him no other option but to rely on himself. He huffs, a feeling of excitement and dread coiling in his stomach. A normal occurrence now since he has been plotting this confession for Gyeoul since the middle of autumn when he finally admitted to himself that leaving this life he knows, his family, his friends, his patients, and most of all, leaving Gyeoul, is like signing off a death warrant for himself. He just could not do it.
His faith, the very thing he used as an excuse all these years to want to run away from the challenges of being a doctor and the bouts of existential crisis in between, is actually the driving force behind his decision to stay.
When Ikjun confronted him in the smoking area last October, his friend was actually hitting all the right points, much to his chagrin. He was already having second thoughts about his Italy plans and the main trigger of that was his growing feelings for Gyeoul which he could no longer ignore.
He knows he is a coward but he is not that dumb not to admit how jealousy and rage were eating him whole when he saw the large bouquet of roses in front of Gyeoul with the whole GS (damn all of them!) celebrating it in front of him.
Someone else, some guy who clearly had bigger balls than he does, has laid claims on his Gyeoul and he just sat there typing medical gibberish on a computer? He had never felt so eviscerated in his whole existence like he felt at that moment. It was a painful stab in his guts he did not see coming and it took all his willpower to remain stoic in that room while the smell of roses mingled with her scent in the air, taunting her along with the excited cheers and chatter of the other doctors.
Ikjun’s words were actually the confirmation he was telling himself he needed as he prayed for guidance. He knew Italy was a lost cause but he wanted to be 100% sure that he was about to do the right thing. So he asked for more confirmation which he got from a homily while attending mass the weekend after Ikjun said he wanted Gyeoul to be happy with his friend Jeongwon.
In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.
As his eldest brother, from the pulpit, recited the verses from Romans 12 about gifts from above that everyone, including him, has and should put to good use, he felt like Hananim was speaking directly at him, telling him that his own special gift is to care for the sick and afflicted, to have a compassionate and generous heart which he is putting to good use through his Daddy Long Legs program, and to be a good mentor to his residents. That he needed not to be a priest to do those things for Him.
Ahn Jeongwon as a pediatric surgeon is exactly doing all those things already and He is pleased.
It was the ultimate push he needed to hear to realize that saying goodbye to his priesthood dreams is the right thing to do and it is time to close that door for good…
…and prepare himself to knock on another door hoping he is not yet too late and that Gyeoul is still waiting for him despite everything he did to keep her behind that door.
All he has to do is to man up for once, face her and just spill out the contents of his heart to her.
Easier said than done.
He is a grown ass man. He can do this.
Be honest with his feelings, apologize then grovel if need be – he knows those are the things he must do.
He just needs to convince Jang Gyeoul that he has been in love with her since summer and that he has finally come to his senses and that he is staying, he is not going to Italy anymore. Because Italy has no Jang Gyeoul and he just wants to be with her from now on. She is all that he needs.
Right.
If only he can say all those things to her without losing his mind.
___________________
How much do I love you? I’ll count all the ways I do…
I love you as you need to be loved,
in the mundaneness of every day life.
One of his favourite memories with Gyeoul (and there aren’t many, at least not yet, thanks to his uncouth attitude towards her in the name of being repressed, confused and stubborn) was certainly the day she flashed him her dimpled smile at the outer garden after her first lead surgery. He remembers that day very well.
It was the first time he was ever the recipient of her wide smile, accentuated by her beautiful dimples, accompanied by her aegyo voice. And it felt heavenly-- to be basking in her presence like that, knowing he was the reason she was beaming and bursting with happiness. She aced her first ever lead surgery, under his mentorship, and it was everything he could ever ask for.
That moment, with the both of them sitting together in public, talking about work and her contagious joy spreading all over him like wildfire, is a beautiful memory of her he will never forget.
That moment proves to him a lot of things he never thought could be possible – like he could actually carry out a normal conversation with her without restraining or filtering himself afraid for his real feelings to peek through his façade, and that Gyeoul is even lovelier up close, wearing a smile he indirectly caused.
God knows how he wants that to happen on a regular basis – to be the source and recipient of her beautiful dimpled smiles.
She rarely smiles like that at work – carefree and exuberant -- and just the thought that he made her smile like that once is enough motivation for him to want to keep doing it again for the rest of his life.
This is why right now, he had asked for her to scrub for him again even if the simple operation is something he normally does alone, just because he wants to have her beside him and shower her compliments after, hoping she could throw him that beautiful smile once again – the one that reaches her eyes and sends craters to form on her cheeks.
He is very much aware that this is the second time in two weeks, since they operated on little Jihyeon, that he is asking for her assist in his OR. Thankfully, Lee Ikjun is still in Spain for his conference so he does not need to worry from being called out like the lovesick puppy that he is.
This reminds him however that he still has to make good on that promise he made to Gyeoul in the OR while operating on Jihyeon that he would treat her out for a good meal if the kid recovers and the surgery is a success.
Jihyeon has been discharged for almost a week now but he still can’t find the timing to ask Gyeoul out. If she is just another resident or fellow, he can actually just give her his credit card and tell her to buy herself and Chu Minha seonsaeng a nice dinner to fulfil his word. He is sure she will be more comfortable with her friend than with him.
But, of course, she is not just another resident to him. She is the only resident that stands out in his eyes. The only one he is looking forward to take out for dinner. Just the two of them, outside the hospital, in their own clothes. Just how she asked him to.
A pinch settles on his heart as he remembers the night she asked him out for dinner, saying those exact words. The way her eyes glistened with pure bravado then faded into dejection as he turned her down has been haunting him since.
Ask forgiveness for rejecting her dinner invitation and lying to her that night, babo.
Right, he must. He immediately files the thought under his to-do list for Gyeoul.
Gyeoul’s voice interrupts his contrite thoughts. “Gyosunim, thank you for your hard work,” she said as she prepares to close the patient up. A sign for him to step out of the OR and let her do her work. But he lingers a bit more, his eyes searching hers.
“Ah ne,” he utters absent-mindedly. “Thank you,” he says, his gaze still holding hers, obviously waiting for something more. “You did a good job as well.”
That’s when she finally crinkles her eyes above her mask and behind her glasses. The moment is brief and if he has not been looking at her the whole time he knows he might have missed it. But he doesn’t. And thank God for that because his heart is currently doing cartwheels inside his chest just for a glimpse of that precious eye smile. He even takes note at how her mask stretches wide on her face, hinting of a smile underneath.
“Jang Gyeoul seonsaeng, can you drop by my office after this? I have something to discuss with you,” he tells her before he turns toward the door.
She freezes. “Is it urgent, gyosunim? I will be accompanying Prof. Lee Jihoon on his rounds right after this. Choesonghamnida…”
Jeongwon’s heart sinks at her predicament. Doing rounds right after a two-hour surgery and a night duty on top of that? Can someone just give this poor girl a break for once?
“It’s alright. Do not apologize. It’s not urgent anyway. It can wait,” he says.
I’m just going to ask you if you are free for dinner tonight, but that can wait.
_____________________
I love you by choice
From the moment he admitted to himself that he is in love with Gyeoul, Jeongwon has been constantly imagining a series of scenarios on how, when and where he would confess.
Sometimes, he imagined it to be inside his car right after he takes her out for dinner and drops her home. Before she gets out of the car, he will ask for some time to talk and confess.
Until he remembers he just sold his car two months ago and there is no way he will stage a monumental event like a confession inside a borrowed car from one of his friends.
He berates himself again for the dumb decision to sell his car despite already being indecisive to leave for Italy at that time. Even if it had been an old one, that car was still functioning properly in most parts and got him to places and it definitely could have been a perfect witness to his life-changing event. Like an old buddy who had been with him through all these years, his previous car would have been proud to witness this new development about him.
Summoning her at his office to confess is also an idea but given that it’s in the hospital, he thinks it poses a lot of risk especially the possibility of his roommate Junwan walking in on them or God forbid, nosy Ikjun ruining everything for him.
Confessing during dinner is on top of his list. He has not splurged on dinner for any woman before except for maybe his mom but he perfectly knows where he wants to take Gyeoul for their first date – to his parents’ favourite restaurant right in the middle of Jongno-gu, in a quaint hanok-style restaurant ran by two elderly sisters for years. For decades, their family would spend sumptuous dinners there celebrating their parents’ wedding anniversary and marriage that withstood the test of times.
He could not wait to start his journey with Gyeoul at a place that witnessed his parents’ own journey together.
His parents’ marriage might not be one that was borne out of love as his mother reminded her one time but Jeongwon knows that theirs thrived because every day, in all of their years together until his abeoji died last spring, his parents chose each other and stick with that choice no matter what.
It is the kind of relationship he wants to have with Gyeoul if she gives him the chance. A relationship that is not only built on love but also one that is based on a conscious choice to be with each other every day against all odds.
This is why now at this midnight hour, when he is supposed to be at home after a long day of back-to-back surgeries, he chooses to stay a bit longer and pretend to be researching for something at the GS office while Ikjun briefs Gyeoul about a patient they would be operating on tomorrow afternoon just an earshot away.
She is on-call for tonight and Ikjun, who just got back from Spain, is buzzing with energy and jetlag that he has been hogging Gyeoul’s attention for the whole time today. Jeongwon is secretly pissed off but he comforts himself with the fact that Ikjun at least made her eat two full meals and gifted her some snacks and a whole box of dark Swiss chocolates (“only you and Uju get to have these precious chocolates”, Ikjun had proudly announced) which brought a smile on her face.
“Hey, Jeongwon-ah, aren’t you going home yet? Are you on duty tonight?” Ikjun suddenly turns his attention on him, taking note that Jeongwon is already in his casual clothes and winter coat.
Jeongwon’s eyes fall on Gyeoul’s who has peeled her attention away from the book she is reading to follow Ikjun’s gaze. Their eyes met and Jeongwon’s face immediately softens which does not escape Ikjun’s eagle eyes.
“No, I’m not, obviously,” he fights the urge to roll his eyes at Ikjun. “I just needed to check on something for a patient’s case. How about you?”
Ikjun looks at Gyeoul. “I’m done discussing with Gyeoul. But she’s on-call tonight so I’m thinking of treating her some midnight snacks and coffee,” he wiggles his brows. “So you can stay a bit if you want to while we wait for delivery so we can share my treat with her and we can leave together. I’ll drive you home.”
Jeongwon looks at his friend dubiously but grins. “What’s with Spain that suddenly you are nice and generous, Lee Ikjun?”
Ikjun starts to protest when Gyeoul beats him to it. “But he’s always generous to me and the nurses, gyosunim,” she looks at Jeongwon. “He also always lets me use his credit card when I have night duty to buy yasik.”
Ikjun beams and puffs up his chest with pride. “Tell him, Gyeoul. Tell him how I am not a cheapskate like him!” He declares giving Jeongwon a knowing look.
“Yah, I’m not a cheapskate you saekk— He stops himself, fully aware of Gyeoul’s presence in the room. He throws her an apologetic look. “Don’t listen to him, Gyeoul-ah. He just loves to exaggerate things and bad mouth his friends.”
The banmal way he addresses Gyeoul these days in private is no longer new between them. Although he is known to be someone who never talks down to his juniors, even to interns or residents, he finds himself making the exception for Gyeoul. He likes the intimacy it evokes from him and how sweet her name tastes like in his lips.
Gyeoul. Gyeoul-ah… her name is as really as beautiful as the season and it spreads so much warmth inside him.
He shifts to banmal when it’s just the two of them talking or when each or both of them are out of their scrubs and in their personal clothes. If Gyeoul ever minds his casual way of talking to her from time to time or if she even notices it, she has not protested against it yet so Jeongwon takes it as a green light to continue addressing her casually. Little steps he is consciously making towards her, to be close to her, without scaring her.
But Lee Ikjun, who has been out of the hospital in the last two weeks, is certainly not used to this development, so the glint of mischief in his eyes is no longer a surprise for Jeongwon.
“Gyeoul-ah?” Ikjun parrots Jeongwon, a smirk threatening to spill from his lips.
Gyeoul, with her pure heart and innocent eyes, turns to him. “Ne, gyosunim?”
Jeongwon swears he will strangle Ikjun if Gyeoul ever shows signs of discomfort from his impending teasing.
Ikjun purposely lets a moment of silence blankets the three of them, letting Jeongwon squirm, for sure, before he smiles widely at Gyeoul, stands up and heads towards the door. “Gyeoul-ah… the food is here and I’m going to get it. No, no, stay where you are. I’ll manage,” he says when she attempts to rise and go with him. “In the meantime, make sure this saekki doesn’t run away, arasseo?” When Gyeoul nods, Ikjun smiles back in satisfaction. “Good. You don’t know how he can be such a wimp sometimes,” he mutters under his breath but still loud enough to reach Jeongwon’s annoyed ears.
Jeongwon heaves an exasperated sigh at the retreating figure of Ikjun and gives Gyeoul a small smile, shaking his head. “Don’t let me disturb your reading. I’ll just sit here as quietly as possible,” he assures her, his eyes and voice tender, which elicits a shy but dimpled smile from her.
She looks at him with her wide doe eyes that he finds so hard to resist these days. There is a hint of curiosity in her eyes which she does not hide, making Jeongwon pursed his lips with nervous anticipation. It seems like Gyeoul is gauging his intention why he is here talking to her in the middle of the night, acting friendly towards her. They both know he doesn’t normally do this. He does not even set foot inside the GS office unless it’s really important.
That’s why he knows her curious but silent gaze is completely warranted. And if she ever decides to voice it out loud right now, Jeongwon tells himself that he will answer her truthfully.
I am here because of you, Gyeoul-ah. I just want to see you before I go home because I have not seen you all day. I hope that is alright with you.
“Animnida. You’re not disturbing me at all, gyosunim,” she finally answers before turning her attention back to her readings.
Jeongwon wishes he has Ikjun’s gift of gab right this moment. He wishes he can engage Gyeoul naturally into a conversation like how Ikjun or everyone but him does. He hopes that he can make her smile again or even laugh.
But looking at her bowed head as the slow purr of the heater fills the silence between them, he finds himself appreciating this quiet moment with her more. They may not be engaged in a conversation right now but he knows they are not exactly oblivious of each other’s presence.
She is aware of him and he is aware of her. There is still awkwardness between them but it is starting to feel really nice at the same time. Even the silence they share is slowly becoming comfortable.
And the best part is that they are choosing to be beside each other right this very moment. No one of them is running away. Both of them are staying.
And for Jeongwon, that is a very promising development and it’s more than enough for now.
________________________
I love you purely and humbly
Jeongwon knows his feelings for Gyeoul are mutual. Or at least, they were.
Last summer, when she boldly asked him to buy her dinner, he knew then that his repressed growing feelings for her were not unrequited. That was the exact reason why he rejected her invitation and lied through his teeth about going to Yangpyeong to visit his mother.
Before that night, he already knew he liked her and it was something he was fighting hard to resist. But knowing that he liked Gyeoul was different from knowing she liked him too. It just shook him to his core. It felt like wanting something he thought he could not afford then suddenly receiving it as a gift, for free.
It shocked him, caught him totally off-guard. Her courage to ask him out that night was something he never expected. The stoic, blunt, smart, capable, hardworking and utterly beautiful resident liked him and saw him as a man? The way he saw her as a woman?
It sent him, the whole of him, to the edge of no return.
Around that time he was already a mess emotionally. His mind was telling him to follow through with his Italy plans but there he was, harbouring unwanted strong feelings for his resident. His mind was rioting and his heart felt defeated and helpless.
He already submitted his application to the seminary by then and was just waiting for feedback. He already started his plans and by nature, Jeongwon never backs down when he had already set his mind on something. He does not do things half-way. He always completes what he started. And he knew right that moment, despite Gyeoul’s haunting words that, he could not turn away and abandon his plans to be a priest. At least, that was what he thought.
He told himself that his feelings were just a distraction, a temptation even if he allowed himself to be spiritual about it. He was about to do something good for the church. Of course, like every good and holy deed, it would be put to the test to see if his intentions were real and pure.
But thanks to divine intervention, he came to see the light and admit that it was he himself who was distracting his true purpose. He was sabotaging his own happiness because of his bullheadedness and inability to listen to reason.
It took a Jang Gyeoul to let him realize that. She totally blindsided him.
Someone whom he used to say was not his cup of tea. Life has a weird way of teaching him a lesson, he knows that now. It even used an unsuspecting pure-hearted soul like Gyeoul to humble him and show him how life plans, no matter how you carefully prepare and work hard to make them a reality, will often not go the way you want them to be.
However, since that unforgettable night last summer, so many things had already happened between him and Gyeoul.
Does she still feel the same? He doubts so. Especially when he remembers how just a few weeks after he turned her down, he saw her being picked up by a guy in different cars in at least two occasions. And then there was that proposal with the flowers he witnessed at the GS room.
Gyeoul is young, smart and beautiful. It should be no surprise if she is asked out on dates by rich, young guys who drive cool cars and that she had already moved on from a lying, foolish and cowardly middle-aged ahjussi like him. She certainly deserves better than him.
But still, it won’t hurt to try and ask her if she still feels the same, right? One thing he resolved to do when he finally decided to be honest with his feelings is that he will not give her up without a fight. She is his dream now. He can’t just walk away from her at the first sign of rejection.
So he promises silently, as he watches Gyeoul with Chu Minha talking animatedly in the outer garden about BTS and some variety show they need to watch together this weekend at Gyeoul’s place, oblivious of his presence just a few meters behind them, that he won’t let December pass without him confessing his feelings to her.
Despite all his foolish indecisiveness and cowardice, he deserves to at least be given the chance to express his heart to her. And for her to tell him what is in hers. No mistaken assumptions. Only the truth.
If she doesn’t feel the same way anymore, then he will respect her decision. He just needs to hear it directly from her.
But if she still feels the same way… Jeongwon feels a lump slowly forming in his throat just by the thought of her reciprocating his feelings… if she does, then he will show her for the rest of his life how being with him will be the best decision she will ever make.
________________________
I love you with a passion I did not know I have
It’s Christmas Eve and the hospital is bustling like any ordinary day. Jeongwon is taking a late lunch break in his office on his own today. Junwan has surgery, Ikjun is treating the nurses out for lunch for an early Christmas treat, Seokhyeong is still having his outpatient consultations and Songhwa is already in Sokcho.
And Jang Gyeoul… is in surgery with Prof. Hwang. She had been with him earlier at the PICU this morning but at lunch time, right before he gathered the courage to ask her if she would like to join him at the cafeteria for lunch, she told him that she was expected to assist in a colorectal surgery in fifteen minutes and ran towards the OR, leaving him both hungry for food and for her attention.
That left him no choice but to go to the café at the second floor and ordered a sandwich and coffee to-go. He had lost his appetite the minute Jang Gyeoul disappeared from his view and he is only wolfing down this sandwich because he knows he has to eat. The coffee is to keep him awake for the rest of the day despite his lack of sleep.
He had been on duty last night, monitoring a new patient at the PICU after an emergency operation yesterday. So far, the little girl is stable and if she shows no post-surgery complications in two days, he is sure she will be able to spend the New Year at home with her family.
He smiles as he is reminded about little Jihyeon’s visit earlier today. She was the one who had to undergo a liver surgery earlier this month. She and her mother visited him this morning saying they wanted to see him on Christmas Eve. Jihyeon looked very healthy and lively, her little dimples dancing across her cheeks as she gave him a hug and thanked him for saving her life.
Seeing the little girl again reminded him how her family had been so appreciative of his efforts as a doctor and how such appreciation reaffirmed that his resolve to stay and save more lives was the right thing to do, as Songhwa said.
Jihyeon, with her dimpled smiles, also reminds him of Gyeoul and the promise he made to her while they were operating on the little girl. A promise he has not yet fulfilled up to this day.
He rakes his hands over his hair and groans in frustration. It’s almost Christmas and he has not yet asked her out for dinner and confess to her. Didn’t he promise himself that he would do exactly that before the month ends?
I don’t want to waste my time. I want to live doing things I like and the things I want to do right now.
Seokhyeong’s words from their last band practice echo in his mind and hits him hard. Has he been procrastinating and wasting his precious time all this while?
He shakes his head. No, certainly not. He is just waiting for the right time to approach her. God knows he has attempted a few times to finally ask her out but the timing is not always right. It was either she is busy, buried deep in work catering to them all 13 GS professors or he is the one who is busy with surgeries, consultations and lectures.
He bites down on his bottom lip in consternation. But being busy is never an excuse to delay doing important things like telling the woman he likes that he wants to be with her and that he changed his life plans largely in part because of her.
Jeongwon turns to glance at his desk calendar. He remembers checking on the bulletin board at the GS office earlier and noted that Gyeoul is doing night duty today and tomorrow while he will be on call on Thursday night. It is Tuesday now.
He can’t possibly ask her out for dinner in the next few days. That leaves Friday or Saturday as his only options this week. He feels the rush of excitement and fear in his veins as he thinks that his confession is quickly becoming a reality.
Yes. This weekend, after Christmas, is just about the perfect time to reveal to her the truth he has been keeping to himself for so long. As the new year looms, he prays that along with it will be a new phase in his life with her in it.
He heaves a deep breath as he feels the prick of tears in his eyes. His heart thuds erratically in his chest as if she is in front of him already. His heart is so full of her he wonders if he will ever get to say a single word out without him breaking into tears.
Jeongwon has never done this before -- spill his guts out for a woman. Doing it for Gyeoul will be his first time and he isn’t really that confident that he can be articulate about how he feels. Will he cry? He thinks he will. He knows himself all too well that when he gets overwhelmed with emotion, tears do the talking for him. It’s not a trait he is proud of but it’s part of who he is and he hopes that Gyeoul, brave and stoic Jang Gyeoul, will not hate him for it. Nor will she think him weak because he sheds tears and is not afraid to show his emotions.
He thinks of her now and all that comes to mind is how he will show her in every possible way how he cherishes her. She is the love he thought he would never meet, let alone have.
He has been resigned to lead a life without the possibility of marriage and children for as long as he can remember. But when he met her, those little desires of picturing her by his side through the highs and lows, growing old together with her, raising a family together, started taking roots in his heart.
The desires, at first, were unsettling, of course. But when he decided that priesthood would no longer be a stumbling block to those little seeds of hope, they grew and blossomed unabashedly.
Now he could no longer think of dating her without the possibility of marriage in mind. He will wait as long as she needs it, of course, and she will respect what she wants but he will not be afraid of sharing these little dreams with her when the time comes.
He will be honest with her every step of the way. And he will share with her every little thing about him. Because he wants her to do the same. He wants to learn her, get to know her more, grow with her and experience every part of this life with her. He wants her as a life partner.
That’s what he wants. All he wants.
But before anything else, he knows he must first confess his feelings and bare his heart to her. And let her know and decide if she wants all of those beautiful things from him as well.
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I love you with my every breath, tears,
smile and I will continue to do so all my life
She beats him to it. Of course she did.
He should have known that she is always one-step ahead of him. First, with her dinner invitation. Now, with this Christmas confession that is seriously knocking the wind out of him. Like a punch in the gut he didn’t see coming.
He knew the minute he heard her voice after the knock on his door that something he was not prepared for was about to happen. And it actually did.
Professor, I like you.
The words are still ringing in his ears moments after she uttered them.
And why, why is she crying in front of him after telling him that she likes him? How can she tell him she likes him with so much sadness in her eyes and tears on her cheeks? His heart breaks piece by piece seeing her in this state.
You did this to her, you fool.
He feels so ashamed that he could not help to sigh and bow his head.
She likes him. She still does. Despite everything he did to push her away. He feels so undeserving yet he knows deep inside that he will forever be shameless to receive her love. Gyeoul has just given him the permission to be audacious and he will. For her.
Looking at her now with glassy eyes, trembling lips, her whole body shaking like a leaf, uttering the words it took half a year for him to admit to himself, her bravery is both humbling and daunting at the same time.
I should be the one shaking in fear and confessing those words to you, Gyeoul-ah.
How could a loser like him ever think he deserves a princess who slays dragons like her?
How can someone so soft and lovely and pure and honest tell him she likes him and ask him to stay, beside her, while tears drown her eyes and obvious fear makes her body tremble?
He knows that kind of fear – the fear of rejection, of knowing the risks that come with spilling your guts and splitting your heart open for someone so they can know what is inside you.
Isn’t that what he has been deliberating these past few weeks? How to find the perfect timing to confess to her and tell her how much she means to him? To tell her how she had changed his life since he saw her scoop maggots from a patient’s leg with gloved hands without squirming, showing him a glimpse of how she is made of stronger stuff he rarely sees in a woman much more in someone as young as she is? How she had forced him to re-examine his life choices and dreams in ways no one, not even his family or close friends, was able to do in the last twenty years.
How she, the distraction that is like a blessing in disguise that only God can possibly orchestrate, basically ruined his life plans in just a few months of knowing each other…for the better.
I like you. Please stay with me, by my side. I’m sorry it took me a long while to say this to you but here I am now, asking you if you will have me despite everything I did to hurt you.
Ahn Jeongwon has been practicing to say all of those things to her in the past few weeks so hearing her say those words to him instead, makes him feel small and so proud of her at the same time.
He has always known that she is brave and beautiful. But she has never looked so dazzling in his eyes until now. How could she risk baring her heart to him again this time after he rejected and lied to her the first time?
Jeongwon has no answer to that right now. His mind can only focus on one thing at this moment and that is to answer her confession with the truth this time.
Not with words, but with action.
So he bridges the gap between them and let his hand feel her trembling presence. She looks so fragile yet he knows now that she is unbreakable. Her head is warm and he feels satisfaction at the way his thumb perfectly fits the shell of her ear. When her liquid eyes meet his, full of questions, he resolves to answer each one of them starting tonight.
Her whole body radiates so much warmth despite the snow falling outside his window.
Winter is here. She is really here, melting and trembling in his arms all at once.
And as his lips meet hers for the first time, his heart murmurs another promise Ahn Jeongwon intends to keep for the rest of his life and beyond.
If God chooses, if He lets me, I shall love you better, even after this life ends.