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Bright orange light blinded his eyes for just a moment. He held a hand up against the sun to block its vibrant rays. It took a moment, but his vision eventually adjusted. He could see the entire city from up there.
The MHHQ had a few balconies high above the city where one could escape to for a quiet moment. As he had suspected, a certain someone had already claimed this one -- the highest perch on the building. X could clearly see the sunlight reflecting off a shining suit of crimson armor, and a long trail of golden hair laying curled around a discarded helmet. Zero sat against a wide column supporting something overhead, back pressed against the cool concrete with the sun resting on his face. His eyes were closed, and he looked at peace.
X knew that wasn't the case.
"Zero! Here you are," X said brightly, "I'm glad I finally caught you. It's been a hectic week, hasn't it?"
His brightness gradually dimmed, even his smile, as his greeting was not returned. The gentle upturn of his mouth drooped a bit, just barely held up by X's desire for this conversation to go well. It had been awhile since he'd last gotten to have a heart-to-heart with his best friend, and he missed that. He'd felt a soft pain for such a long time, but now, things were somewhat back to normal, aside from all the internal investigations they had to go through now that the Repliforce War was over... It hadn't been a pretty or easy time for either of them, but the last of the important meetings were over for the week, so if Zero was willing, they finally had a chance to talk...
"How are you?" X said brightly. He waited for an answer.
Silence. Maybe Zero hadn't heard him.
"You...doing okay? Zero?"
He heard only the wind. You couldn't hear the city traffic from that high up, but he had to admit, it might have been a more welcome sound than simple silence...
X took a cautious glance around. The rooftop was empty, save for them. There was nothing to interrupt this time; just him, and just Zero. X continued slowly, his voice dropping to a softer, more soothing timbre.
"Why didn't you answer my texts? I was starting to worry about you."
Zero finally opened his eyes. He glanced up at X, then back out to the city skyline. "Sorry. I needed some time."
X walked softly up to where Zero sat. The pillar was bathed in sunlight, but most of the alcove rested in cool shadow. He bent slightly, tilting his head to get a good look at Zero's face. "Alone?" he asked softly. He offered a sympathetic smile when Zero just glanced at him once and then turned back to the sunset.
More silence.
"Talk to me, Zero." X asked. Gentleness came through his voice -- soothing tones that he often wanted to use with Zero, but was too afraid of stirring awkwardness between them to even try. What had just happened to both of them...well, it was rough, to say the least. They'd both been touched by betrayal and loss many times in their lives, but this time... This time was the worst yet. Soothing tones finally had their place between them; they could finally be used to try and bridge a gap that had been forming ever since...well, for awhile now. It was time to try.
Zero seemed to respond to it. His eyes widened briefly, then he went right back to hiding. He did that a lot in recent years; it was something X had just gotten used to, although he didn't particularly like it. This time, something fresh and raw arose in his visage, and almost instantly, the air filled with tension. Zero seemed to be thinking something over, much more than he usually did.
When Zero spoke, his voice was strained and quiet. "I'm sorry. I can't."
Zero...he's really hurting, X noticed. Fresh weights of sorrow pressed down on his shoulders. It felt like there was a hole boring itself into his chest, one so deep and recent that the edges were still bleeding and ragged from whatever it was that pierced him.
Only he did know what had pierced him. He knew what had pierced them both. He hoped the damage wasn't permanent, but it would be if they couldn't talk about it...
While X was pondering, Zero heaved a loud sigh. He beckoned X to sit beside him on his perch, an offer which X readily accepted. He plopped down beside Zero with maybe a bit too much eagerness, but he couldn't help it. Things were actually going well for once! X forced down a burst of giddiness that threatened to spill out of his mouth, his ears, his eyes...
That was silly thinking, but it sure felt true. Getting Zero all to himself for a few precious moments was something he'd been wanting, and Zero didn't seem too bothered once X got settled in.
Those forlorn blue eyes stared unblinking into the distance. Beautiful pinks and oranges and yellows danced in their depths, glimmering with his subtle movements as he took in the sky. Then, as if closing the lid of a treasure chest, his lashes fell, and a pained smile stepped in front of the door, closing it off again.
Silence floated by like storm clouds. The sunset was beginning to slip beyond the horizon; soon, night would fall, and the two friends sitting on the rooftop high above the city would be swallowed whole by the coming darkness.
Zero looked so troubled....
"I miss your smile," X murmured.
Zero glanced briefly over at X. His eyes looked so tired... Surprise showed on his face as he caught X staring at him. He looked away swiftly, his expression unreadable.
"My smile," Zero huffed. He turned back to the sunset. A forlorn wind blew past them, carrying words away with it. Zero's voice seemed taken as well, until he spoke again. He sounded different; alarmingly despondent. "I don't know if I'll ever smile again."
X hesitated. He was much more concerned with searching Zero's face. Taking in his body language. Dark shadows rested beneath his eyes. His hair was a little tangled. He sat with his back against the wall and his knees tucked up close to his chest, a position that X had only rarely seen him take before. So he was feeling vulnerable, maybe a bit insecure or lacking hope -- X could understand his reasons. He had just lost two of his closest friends, and not just that; they fell to his own hands. There was literally no one else Zero could blame but himself.
Though he didn't believe that to be true, X was sure Zero saw it that way.
The moment stretched on in his mind as Zero's words echoed within. There were so many things he thought to say, but all of it felt so trite. So hollow. The idea of never seeing Zero's smile again hurt him more than anything. It made the whole world colder, like the sun would never rise again.
He couldn't hold back the heavy sigh that tried to push as much of that away from him. Sitting so close to Zero, he shimmied over a little more and leaned to the side, resting his head on Zero's shoulder.
X spoke softly, as if the wind might overhear. "I don't know that you never will, but I know you still have it in you. I know it hurts... but no matter what, I'm going to be here for you." He rested a hand on Zero's and looked to the side, scanning Zero's face a little more as he tried to reassure him still. "Nothing is going to stop that."
Zero's fingers twitched. His eyes opened wide enough that all he saw was the glare of the sun. Feeling the subtle weight of X leaning on him, it nearly stopped his breath. His lips parted, but no words could come out. His core thrummed hard in his chest.
He knows it hurts? Zero's mind repeated. He felt his eyes begin to sting, but he couldn't bring himself to blink. The sunset distorted in front of him until he could barely see. What was this? It didn't make any sense... X didn't know what he was talking about. He couldn't possibly know. How could he know how much it hurt to cut down two people that he cared deeply for? How could ANYONE know how much it hurt....
Suddenly self-conscious, Zero's arm tensed up. His fingers retreated into a fist, flinching away from X's touch. It was strange and soft and... too much. It was just too much right then. Zero turned his face away.
"You shouldn't," he said through a strained voice. He felt as if his throat was about to close. "I cut them down. I cut them down without a second thought."
Zero's voice shook.
"Colonel tried to stop me from boarding that ship, and I... I ended him. It was so easy."
X shook his head against Zero's shoulder. "It's not easy... You always try to teach me not to hesitate so much. To not get myself killed because sometimes there isn't enough time to think that much. You have far more experience than me at fighting. You did what you felt you had to do." Without pushing too much, X leaned his hand in again, simply touching the back of his hand to Zero's. Just enough touch to help Zero listen.
"Nothing about what you did was easy. It was simply quick, because lives hung in the balance. It only seemed easy if you look at just that moment, but... it's the moments right now that matter." X leaned forward and peered at Zero. "It was easy then because it had to be. Because you pushed it aside until later. Until now. That's... the only way to do this and still survive."
He blinked, but didn't dare look away from his dear, hurting friend. "You're not heartless, Zero."
Zero listened with disbelief written all over his face. He listened, and marveled at how X knew him so well. He let his gaze fall to the floor.
He had pushed it all away; the stakes, the consequences, his feelings. Their feelings. His friends...they had simply been obstacles at the time. The Colonel, he wasn't defenseless. He chose his path, and though Zero deeply regretted it, he at least understood a soldier's honor. To die for what he believed in was an honor for that unyielding buffoon, but...it wasn't the same for her.
Nothing was the same for her.
Zero's face contorted with fresh anguish. He turned slightly away from X's view, reluctant to let him see this new, deeper level of emotion that he was feeling. He wouldn't understand, there was no way. X had never shown interest in anyone before, so how could he possibly know what that felt like...?
He wouldn't understand. He just couldn't.
He hadn't planned on letting that slip, but it happened so fast. A soft gasp, a shudder. Those damned blurry things at his eyes again.
Softly, very softly, he murmured, "You would have found another way."
X wasn't so sure. Would he have? Was there really another way? Was there time to find one? Just as Zero had been forced by circumstances to push a lot of these thoughts into the future, X had to as well. Even in all the thoughts and doubts during the conflict, there we so many questions he never truly asked. Everything moved so fast, especially once Final Weapon became an issue.
"I think... this one was beyond me. Beyond everyone." His face darkened as he looked ahead to the last bands of color in the dim sky. "You've seen the fallout. How many people are being questioned, fired, fined, court martialed... A lot of people were involved here, especially higher up. No one is happy with how this was handled. By the time the real fighting started... the real decisions were made for us."
X slid an arm behind Zero's back and around his waist, pulling him in just that little bit closer.
"At the end of the day, we're both fighters. It doesn't make any of it easier, but was there anything left for us by then? If there was any other way, would we have even been sent out? We can ask ourselves what could've been done, what we should've done... but for such little time and so much at risk..." He shut his eyes as memories flooded his mind. "We did our best. We tried to save who we could, any way we could... but that doesn't always mean it's possible."
Zero bristled lightly at the sudden touch, but it lasted only seconds. He felt odd, being so close to X. The words he spoke were so wise, so deceptively mature. Perhaps he had been wrong about X's maturity all this time, and the smaller reploid really was capable of understanding the deepest, darkest parts of Zero's heart.
But how could he ever tell him what he had done up on that death flower? What he had discovered about himself? Everyone had kind of suspected it for a long time now, but with no confirmation, it was just a running joke that Zero was as ancient as X, possibly built by rival mad scientists waging a war of pride through their technologically-granted sons.
If that was the case, then he and X really did have more in common than he thought. Somehow, that was...comforting.
A growing emptiness filled Zero as they sat there on the roof, X leaning on his shoulder and Zero slowly drifting from one intense emotion to another. He didn't even notice until his head gently bumped X's that he had slowly leaned into the embrace. He jolted upright for just a moment, but... X's eyes. When his own eyes met those misty green ones, Zero felt something break.
He couldn't look away as his facade crumbled. His eyes burned, his face felt warm. He felt broken. He must have looked broken. He felt like his chest was caving in. Softly, he managed a whisper.
"She was innocent..."
Something uncomfortable and damp rolled down his face. Zero reached to wipe it away. It only smeared upon his face. What was that...?
He dumbly looked to X. For guidance. For...help.
All X wanted to do was find a way to make it all better. To take all of Zero's worries away, even if it meant cramming them all into himself until his heart burst. To make it all not hurt anymore.
He turned and leaned in closer, wrapping his other arm around Zero's body and pulling him in. He didn't have any words left. No thoughts or insights that could make it better. The entire situation was awful and Zero had been dealt the worst hand of all. But he didn't have to suffer in silence.
X coiled his fingers into Zero's long blonde mane and slowly ran through it, slow and steady as he whispered. "No matter what, I'm going to be here. You don't have to keep this from me. You don't have to be alone."
He pressed his forehead against Zero's, keeping his closest and dearest held tight. "Nothing about this is easy, but it's that much harder on your own. Don't... do that to yourself. Let it out. Let me listen."
The thin string tightly wound around all of the practiced decorum Zero had worked so hard to maintain his entire life snapped cleanly in two. A single, silent sob shook his chest, and he at last gave in. Desperately needed comfort was right there, from the person he had least expected it to come from. All their lives as Maverick Hunters, it had been mostly Zero comforting and reassuring X. It seemed that Zero had somehow earned one precious, rare mercy for himself.
His hands reached feebly for X's smaller shoulders. He held on as tightly as he dared, ever conscious of his own accursed strength. He had harmed enough people; this one deserved it least of all of them, and yet, in the depths of his weakness, he knew that he had brought harm to X more than once. More than X would ever let on. It was that realization that sent him nearly into a panic.
Zero lowered his head, pressing his brow to X's chest. Being that close, he could swear he could almost hear...
It was. It was X's heart.
He had the biggest, softest heart of any reploid Zero had ever known. He winced in torturous pain at the gentle humming. Such a sweet sound; steady, and warm. It was like the ringing of a bell, clear and welcome amidst a roaring wind. Such a sound...if he focused on that rhythmic beating, it almost chased away the swirling, malevolent voices that threatened to overtake his mind.
Murderer
Monster
Rabid dog of a man, you can't be trusted
Zero held on tighter, squeezing his eyes shut against the overwhelming emotions rushing him from all sides. It couldn't be, he had to be more than that... He HAD to be worth more than that. He couldn't keep it in. His voice was weak, as if his entire being was fighting itself, striving to keep him from embarassing himself further, or showing his deep chasms of weakness.
But if he didn't speak, he felt his heart would burst.
"X...I'm," he choked out, "I'm..."
He couldn't say it. After all that, he still couldn't just blurt it out. It was a bad idea, but he was sure that if he left it, it would eat him alive. But X would look at him differently if he said it, he was certain.
Zero couldn't handle that.
X softly rubbed Zero's back, keeping him nestled close with his chin tucked in Zero's hair.
"Breathe..." He said, knowing how strange it may have seemed to tell a fellow reploid that. "Just give yourself a moment if you need it. I'm here."
The closeness was bittersweet. So precious that he could have Zero so close, and yet in such a painful circumstance. Still, he appreciated the chance to be a comfort. "Whenever you're ready." He whispered.
The trembling in his limbs slowed. The shuddering breaths that cut off his words slowly eased. Zero noticed he couldn't see the sun's glare anymore. Sunset must have given way to twilight, and perhaps twilight had set the stars free and they glimmered overhead. It would have been perfect if so, but Zero didn't want to bother looking.
That gentle thrumming. That was all he wanted then. The sound of X's voice, the softness of his touch. It was all lulling him into an unexpected calm. He savored it...
All Zero had wanted to say didn't seem important anymore. Only one thing was important now. Something had been Decided deep in his heart, and he wasn't entirely sure what all of it meant, he just knew that he wanted X to stay in his life.
To stay, and be safe.
"Promise," Zero murmured. He took his time between words, knowing he must sound so lowly and weak, but it didn't matter. He could bear it long enough to speak his heart.
Just this once.
"Promise me...you won't leave me. I can't..." He paused. Gathered his courage, such as he had left. "I can't lose you, too."
He bowed his head low, holding his arms tightly around X's waist. He dared not meet X's eyes.
X pulled him in closer and tighter. Of course, his mind said instantly.
He started to rock back and forth, just a tiny bit, with Zero held against him. The stars twinkled in the highest reaches of the sky, as dusk finally pushed pesky light out of the way for them to wink and glint down. It was a display he loved to take in and normally would have found himself staring to the sky for a long while, but tonight, he was fine to not stargaze. He closed his eyes and buried his face in Zero's hair, hiding a little smile in his soft golden locks.
"I promise, Zero." He said, his voice light and clear like crystal. He kept his dearest held to his chest, as close to his heart as he could. "I'm not going anywhere. Anywhere. I will always be here for you. I promise."