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It wasn’t Mark’s fault.
Really, Mark was amazing, even Jinyoung was half in love with him, so he really couldn’t blame anyone else for falling all the way. It wasn’t Mark’s fault that Jaebeom fell all the way.
It also wasn’t Mark’s fault that Jinyoung had been in love with his best friend at the time and that seeing them get together had broken his heart into a million pathetic little pieces. If anything, it was Jinyoung’s fault for introducing them. Best friend and new dorm roommate, it had only felt natural to have them meet. While drunk, Jaebeom once said that the meeting had been destiny, with Jinyoung as the catalyst. Jinyoung, equally drunk at the time, had laughed so hard that he had ended up sobbing, but thankfully Jaebeom had been too far out of it to notice or remember. Quietly, Jinyoung had called himself a masochistic cupid.
It wasn’t Mark’s fault that people instantly liked him better than Jinyoung, either. Jinyoung knew that he wasn’t the best company and while Mark was equally quiet and introverted, he had this mysteriousness and gentle seriousness about him that pulled people in. Jinyoung’s resting bitch face on the other hand constantly pushed people away. Yugyeom, a junior in high school, who he had tutored, had once told him that he seemed arrogant. At the time, Jinyoung had only scoffed at him, had told him to shut up and concentrate on the maths equation they were trying to solve. Recently, however, he was thinking about that moment a lot. Of course, his alleged arrogance had never pushed Yugyeom away, no, he had been stuck with that brat for years now, but that said more about the younger’s stubbornness when it came to friendships than Jinyoung’s ability to maintain them.
Fact remained, once people knew both Jinyoung and Mark, they tended to migrate towards the older. He had this whole dark and handsome thing going for him… if not necessarily tall, he thought with a petty satisfaction. But even with this slight imperfection, if the height of a person even said anything, he was still the mysterious loner to Jinyoung’s unapproachable nerd.
Now, two years into their cohabitation, Jinyoung was reluctantly used to that fact. He had gotten over his crush on Jaebeom long ago, and they were still best friends, but seeing him with Mark still stung sometimes. More so during his… bad days. Those days when he was wondering about what-ifs. When he was already feeling lacking, already feeling a certain… if not necessarily self-hatred, but self-deprecation. What if Jaebeom had never met Mark, would he have fallen for Jinyoung eventually? Would they be together now?
Jinyoung was handsome, he had no illusions about that, but he was too stern, too serious, too quiet, too cold, too shy, too unapproachable, too, too, too…
He simply wasn’t good enough, especially not next to Mark.
Jinyoung wasn’t sure if Mark knew about his hangups, or if he was obvious to them. He hoped for the latter, but probably in vain, going by the unsure looks Mark was sending him sometimes, while swarmed by people that had initially come to keep Jinyoung company. He just hoped that Mark didn’t think that Jinyoung disliked him or begrudged him anything. Because as sarcastic and petty as Jinyoung could be, he really did know that all of this wasn’t Mark’s fault or even intention.
But facts remained facts.
And facts easily turned into fear.
---
Which was precisely why Jinyoung had never invited Jackson to hang out at their place. While he had visited Jackson’s dorm more often than he could possibly count, Jackson had never seen his room, had never seen his flat, had never been introduced to Mark.
Jinyoung had met Jackson during their freshy weeks. Being the same age, minus a couple of months on Jinyoung’s part, they had started attending their university during the same semester. Not the same major, but freshy week was usually a mix of every new student, to encourage cross-major connections or some stupid reason like that. Jinyoung had been forced to attend by Jaebeom, whereas Jackson had dragged one of his friends along. They had met during some dumb game, that Jinyoung had scoffed at but recently started to appreciate because he had been pushed to work with probably the most handsome person he had ever seen in his life. Two years ago, still very much in love with Jaebeom, he hadn’t noticed that aspect of Jackson all that much. What he had noticed was their shared competitiveness, their shared drive to win and their surprising ability to work perfectly as a team.
They had exchanged numbers and the rest could have been history. Just two people, meeting and becoming best friends for life. They did say that you meet your friends for life at university, after all.
Too bad Jinyoung had to go and fall in love with another best friend.
Had he learned nothing from the disaster with Jaebeom?
Sure, nowadays they were awesome friends again and Jinyoung liked to think that Jaebeom had never noticed that small period of time where Jinyoung had avoided him and Mark together like the fucking plague. But back then, for a good two months, Jinyoung had felt lost. Deprived of his best friend, unwelcome in his own flat (even though neither Mark nor Jaebeom had ever made him feel that way, it was he who had fled the space constantly) and heartbroken, he had clung to Jackson more than ever.
Of course, Mark was with Jaebeom, had been with Jaebeom for a happy two years, but that didn’t mean that there wasn’t the possibility of Jackson meeting him and deciding that he was better best friend material than Jinyoung ever could be. If Jackson became another one of those people, who visited Jinyoung only to be able to hang out with Mark, Jinyoung honestly wouldn’t be able to take it. He would have to move out, would have to transfer dorms or look for a flat that he couldn’t possibly afford. Even worse, he would have to explain to Mark somehow why he was leaving. Would have to explain to Mark that it wasn’t his fault that Jinyoung was a petty asshole, who had days where he absolutely hated himself.
No, no, no. Even just thinking about it gave way to an endless flood of anxiety.
And then there was the guilt of even thinking of Jackson as one of those people. Jinyoung knew that Jackson liked him a lot, really, he was constantly told by Jackson himself how much he liked Jinyoung. They fit well together, they really did. But Mark… Mark was so much more than Jinyoung. He could be so much more to Jackson. He was more into sports like Jackson was, was also Chinese, he had this magnetism around him and Jinyoung was fucking scared.
Scared of losing Jackson, scared of being second place again, as fucking always. Scared that once again, someone so important to him would choose Mark over him. So fucking scared that his heart wouldn’t be able to handle this again.
Getting over Jaebeom had been hard. He had been Jinyoung’s first love, had been with him since they were kids. It was that panic of losing him completely, that had forced Jinyoung to sit down and actually confront the fact, that if he stayed uselessly in love, he would lose his best fucking friend. Jaebeom loved him. Not in the way Jinyoung had wanted, but he still loved him. And that would have to be enough. So he had taken some time to deal with his feelings and had slowly started to get over him. Similarly to hoping that Mark didn’t know about Jinyoung’s stupid inferiority complex, he desperately hoped that Jaebeom had never realised what had been going on in Jinyoung’s head and heart.
But the thought of going through this again was fucking terrifying. Especially since his feelings for Jackson just seemed to grow and grow and grow every time they hung out.
---
He had managed to avoid them meeting for two years. Two whole, selfish years. Selfish, because deep down, he knew that those two would get on like fucking soulmates and to deprive them of that, seemed… petty.
But he hadn’t introduced them. Until one Sunday morning, he opened the door of his room and froze in the frame, heart jumping straight into his throat.
Jackson was sitting on the couch in the shared space of the small flat, Mark in front of him, huge grins on both of their faces as they talked in excited voices. He could only understand small snippets, though, because they were talking Mandarin and Jinyoung had just barely started to learn the language. He only heard: “Tomorrow”, “meet” and “bro”. Looking at them now, they looked incredibly close. Even Mark, who usually took a while to open up to people, looked like he was talking to an old friend. Jinyoung’s heart sunk into the pit of his stomach. This was it. What he had feared.
The uncomfortable feeling of being unwelcome in his own flat returned. He hadn’t felt this way in over a year, but now it came back with a vengeance. Still, he tried to remain calm and cleared his throat. “Morning?”
Mark looked towards him with a warm smile while Jackson outright beamed. “Jinyoungie!” Jumping up, he covered the small space between them and pulled Jinyoung into a tight hug. “Did you sleep well?” Smile turning into a leer, he leaned even closer. “Did you dream of me?”
Mark let out a snort from the couch, standing to move towards the kitchen, while Jinyoung couldn’t keep the faint blush from blooming on his cheeks. Pushing Jackson away, he rolled his eyes. “Don’t I always, Seun-ah?” They always teased each other like this, though Jinyoung was pretty sure that Jackson had no idea that most of the time, Jinyoung had actually dreamed about the older. “What are you doing here?” He looked towards the kitchen counter, where Mark was watching them subtly and his anxiety spiked again, so he put a bit of distance between himself and Jackson. He tried to ignore the frown on Mark’s face, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.
Jackson didn’t seem to notice the mood shift. “Mark can’t come to our gym date tomorrow, but I forgot my membership card the last time we met up, so I just came to collect it.” He also didn’t notice the slight flinch when Jinyoung heard the word date. Ridiculous, Jinyoung was ridiculous. “Imagine my surprise when he told me that you are his roommate. How have we never connected the dots there?”
Mark kept out of the conversation, but instead of drinking the mug of coffee he had poured himself, he moved towards them and gently passed it to Jinyoung, hand moving up to briefly brush over Jinyoung’s bedhead in a reassuring way. Jinyoung’s cheeks darkened even more in mild humiliation. So he couldn’t even lie to himself anymore, that Mark was obvious to his stupid issues. “Thanks,” he mumbled, because, god damn it, Mark didn’t deserve the festering resentment in Jinyoung’s chest. “I didn’t know you two knew each other.” When he dared a peek at Jackson, the older was watching him and Mark with a contemplative look, but at the question, he quickly smiled.
It was Mark, who answered though. “Gaga… Jackson probably knows every single Chinese student at our university,” he said with slight exasperation. “He’s like a damn club leader.” When Jackson only barked out a laugh, Mark grinned back. “We met a couple of years ago, though, back when we were both attending Korean classes.”
Complicated feelings forced their way into Jinyoung’s stomach and he could only stare at them, mouth dropping open slightly. Jackson had arrived in Korea when he was just eighteen, that’s when he would have attended language classes. That was almost five years ago. Jackson had known Mark for five years. Longer than he had known Jinyoung. Longer than Jinyoung had known Mark. Somewhere deep down, Jinyoung knew that this should give him a sense of relief. Essentially, this just meant that his fears had been for nothing, that Jackson had known Mark all along and had still wanted to hang out with Jinyoung. That should make him happy… right? “Oh.” Was all that he managed to get out. “Uhm, I have to shower.” Taking a big sip of the coffee, burning his mouth in the process, Jinyoung placed it on the kitchen counter and all but fled the room.
He had trouble breathing and, unbidden, Jaebeom’s face entered his mind, the way he had looked years ago when he had still been Jinyoung’s first love. This… This wasn’t like that. If Jackson and Mark had been friends for this long, then surely Jackson knew that Mark was with Jaebeom. Surely, he wasn’t… surely nothing would happen between them then. Right? And it also meant that Jackson wasn’t just hanging out with Jinyoung to get to Mark, there was no need for that. Why the fuck was the panic only rising then?
Stepping into the shower, he cranked it up to scalding hot in the hope that the clamminess of his skin would fade. His stomach felt like it was the size of a walnut.
This was so stupid, why was he so fucking sensitive?
When he eventually left the shower, dressed only in a towel, he stopped in the doorway again. Jackson was still there, sitting on the couch, eyes glued to his phone. “You always take the longest fucking showers, Jinyo-” His eyes moved up to look at Jinyoung and the sentence just abruptly stopped.
Self-conscious, Jinyoung crossed his arms over his bare chest again. “Why are you still here? Where’s Mark?”
Jackson’s eyes snapped from his chest to his eyes and something hardened behind them. Jinyoung shuffled in place. “He went to Jaebeom’s. They have a date.” Nodding, Jinyoung took the opportunity of their eye contact breaking to move towards his room. Clothes, he needed clothes. And the door, a barrier of some sort. He was feeling like an exposed nerve under Jackson’s gaze. The older, though, the little shit that he was, just followed him in. “And I’m still here because I wanted to take you to breakfast. I thought of calling you up even before I found out that I was in your dorm.”
Jinyoung’s mood lifted slightly, so the small smile he turned towards Jackson was at least genuine. When the other didn’t make any move to leave the room though, he swiped a hand in front of his nearly naked body and raised his eyebrows. “Do you mind?”
“Not if you don’t.” The grin on Jackson’s face couldn’t be called anything but utterly filthy and Jinyoung felt his skin grow hot.
But not one to back out of a dare, silent or spoken, he just turned around and let the towel fall, his now completely bare back facing Jackson. The room grew heavy with the silence that followed as he quickly pulled on some clean clothes. He was sure that his face was glowing, so he took a moment to take a deep breath before he turned around again.
There was something dark in Jackson’s eyes, but not cold anymore, not in the least. The brown in them seemed molten, as scalding as Jinyoung’s shower had been. They just stood there, staring at one another for what seemed like hours. Moments like these happened between them from time to time and Jinyoung didn’t know what to make of them.
Sometimes they skirted the line between friends and… something else. But Jinyoung had never been ready to accept the hope that tried to blossom. After all, he had thought the same about his relationship with Jaebeom all those years ago and look where that had gotten him. So he was the first to look away, to bend down to grab his bag. “So breakfast?”
When he looked up, Jackson was still staring at him and almost seemed to sway forward a bit. Then he blinked and the typical grin graced his lips. “Breakfast.”
---
Nothing really changed. Yes, Jinyoung was now aware that Jackson and Mark had been friends for a while, but they never really hung out, the three of them together. Not even with Jaebeom. Jackson rarely came to their apartment, he usually invited Jinyoung to his place, where they hung out since his roommate was currently studying abroad for a semester. Jackson was still as touchy as ever and Jinyoung was still acting as if he hated it, while greedily soaking up every single morsel of affection.
The problems came, as usual, from Jinyoung’s own thoughts. Whenever Jackson had to decline or cancel plans, Jinyoung started to wonder if he was hanging out with Mark. He felt like a complete asshole about it, it wasn’t like he ever wondered about Jackson’s other friends. He didn’t see him with Lay or Eric or Amber or Bambam and wondered if Jackson liked them more than him. It was just Mark, it was always Mark.
Sometimes he wished he could just hate Mark. It would make a lot of things easier. At least he wouldn’t have the additional guilt thrumming through his every thought.
It didn’t help that Jackson has been behaving weirdly the last couple of days. Shifty, like he was hiding something. He wasn’t avoiding Jinyoung by any means, but he seemed weirdly distracted whenever they hung out, face often glued to his phone. And today, he had had to cancel their plans because of an urgent paper, which wasn't all that out of character, but with everything happening before, it started to feel strange.
Still, with their plans cancelled and Mark and Jaebeom on their weekly date, Jinyoung didn’t really have anything to do. So, supportive friend that he was, he went out to buy Jackson some coffee and maybe a sandwich, because he knew how the older got whenever he was close to the finish line of a paper. It wasn’t pretty. The man basically forgot how to function, aside from tapping away on the keyboard.
It was sunny outside when he left, but by the time he arrived at the campus café where Bambam worked, the sky had decided that drowned cat was an amazing look on Jinyoung. He would just have to find shelter at the shop and wait for the rain to let up before he made his way toward Jackson’s dorm.
At least, that was the plan until he stepped into the place and saw Jackson sitting at one of the tables.
With Mark and Jaebeom.
He stilled, blinking, as his mind slowly caught up with his eyes. At first, he was just confused. He even thought about joining them to laugh about the coincidence. But then he remembered that Mark and Jaebeom were supposed to be on their date and Jackson was supposed to be on his sixth protein bar in front of his laptop at home.
Mark and Jaebeom on a date.. and Jackson had lied about being stuck at home… and then his distractedness the last couple of days.
Had he not been frozen in place, Jinyoung would have let out a hysterical laugh. Because this seemed familiar.
Way too familiar.
But him freezing up like that, meant that soon Jackson’s animated eyes happened to move towards the entrance and noticed him standing there like a complete idiot. Whatever he saw on Jinyoung’s face had him jump up, eyes wide.
And Jinyoung’s body moved on autopilot. Apparently, his fight or flight reaction was a hundred percent the latter. He turned on his heel and ran straight back into the rain. The last thing he heard before the door closed behind him, was a confused shout of his name in Jackson’s voice.
The further away he got, the faster he moved, until he was all but sprinting down the road. He didn’t even know where he was going. The rain that he had tried to avoid was steadily drenching him but he just continued to run. Another shout sounded behind him and he tried to fasten his pace, but while Jinyoung wasn’t necessarily out of shape, he also wasn’t the best runner. Jackson, a sports major, of course easily caught up to him.
“Woah, woah, woah.” Grabbing him by the arm, Jackson pulled him right into his chest, letting out a nervous and breathless laugh. “What’s going on? Where are you going?” His voice sounded a mixture of confused and worried and the constant guilt thrummed through Jinyoung’s whole body again. It was his freshman year all over again and he really, really just had to leave.
Unable to look into Jackson’s eyes, he shook his head. “Just… library.” When Jackson didn’t say anything, his grip on Jinyoung’s arm just tightening, Jinyoung finally looked at him. He looked unimpressed by the answer, head cocked to the side a bit. “Paper.” Jinyoung tried to add, but while he had meant it as an excuse, it came out like an accusation.
Jackson looked a little pained, one hand moving up into his wet hair. “Shit, Jinyoung listen I can ex-” The sentence faded out as Jackson let out an alarmed sound. “Jinyoungie?” Hands moved to his cheeks, started to wipe away tears that Jinyoung only then noticed had started falling. “Jinyoungie, what’s wrong?” Jackson was visibly panicking. In the two years, they had known each other - three years less than Mark, his brain unhelpfully supplied. Had he known Jaebeom longer as well? -, Jackson had seen him laugh, had seen him angry, had seen him annoyed, drunk, sleep-deprived, even sad, but he had never seen him cry. Not once. “Jinyoungie, talk to me, yeah? Tell me what’s wrong.” He was being pulled into a hug, one of Jackson’s hands running through his hair, while Jinyoung just sobbed right there in the open, in the middle of campus, in the fucking rain.
His head was a mess, his heart was somewhere in his feet and to top it all off he was cold because he hadn’t bothered to wear a jacket because it was only supposed to be a quick run to get Jackson some stupid coffee. Jackson, who hadn’t been at home working on a paper, but was out with Mark and Jaebeom and had lied to Jinyoung about it, as if he had known that it would break Jinyoung’s stupid heart and he really, really was just pathetic, wasn’t he?
Because two years ago, it had been just like that. Exactly like that. Jaebeom had cancelled plans last minute, Mark had been out and Jinyoung had been bored. So he had gone to get some coffee for himself, only to see his best friend, the person he was in love with, kiss his roommate in front of the very same fucking café. Back then, he had also not confronted them, had also ran. Nobody had noticed him back then. He had waited for them to tell him, for Jaebeom to tell him that hey, he had a boyfriend now! It took them three more weeks to come clean. Three more weeks of Jaebeom visiting his room only to make eyes at Mark, for him to leave Jinyoung’s room to go to the toilet, only to be gone close to ten minutes because he stopped by Mark’s room. Three fucking weeks.
He was so over this, he was so fucking over being lied to, being used by people to get to Mark, being so insecure because of it all. He was so fucking over this tight, hot feeling in his chest.
Would Jackson do the same? Would he start coming around more, only to disappear, like Jaebeom had done? Like dozens of others had done in the two years, Jinyoung had been living with Mark? What was so wrong with Jinyoung? Was he just that expendable? Was he really just a bridge for people to cross and never look back on?
“Jinyoungie.” Jackson kept alternating between pulling him against his chest and pushing him away to look into his eyes, rubbing his hands over his bare arms, or wiping away tears that just kept renewing. His eyes were wide, mouth mumbling reassuring nonsense, but Jinyoung’s thoughts were somewhere else, stuck somewhere two years ago between the whole mess with Jaebeom and meeting Jackson for the first time.
When he was slowly starting to calm down, exhausted and empty of tears and just so, so numb, Jackson pushed his hair out of his face and cupped his cheeks. “You’re scaring me here, please tell me what happened.” When Jinyoung only continued to hiccup like a stupid child, Jackson pulled him close again. “Was it me? I’m really sorry I lied, but I swear I can explain.”
Jinyoung just shook his head, hair plastered to his forehead, obscuring his eyes. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
Jackson just clicked his tongue. “Jinyoungie,” he said carefully as if he was talking to a particularly scared animal. “Clearly, you’re not fine, so cut the crap, yeah?” Pulling off his own soaked jacket, he seemed to hesitate for a second, before draping it over Jinyoung’s shoulders. Despite the rain, the jacket was still warm from Jackson’s body and Jinyoung nearly started to cry again.
“No, I… It’s nothing, just a bad day. You should-'' Pulling away, he tried to put some distance between them, but Jackson wouldn’t let him, keeping his hands firmly set on Jinyoung’s forearms. “You should go back inside, I’m sorry you’re drenched because of me.” The words just tumbled out of his mouth, his walls slowly and steadily building up again. It was fine. He had survived this once, he would survive this again. He might be pathetic but he wasn’t weak. He would… maybe he would go home and look through their university website in case someone was looking for a new roommate. He could probably bullshit his way through some excuse that wouldn’t hurt anyone. Maybe he would just ask Jaebeom to swap so that he and Mark could live together. Jinyoung liked Jaebeom’s roommate Youngjae, so the thought wasn’t even all that crazy. Steeling his shoulders, he rubbed his own hands over his face, mingling the tears with the still falling rain. “Seriously, I’m fine, just go back inside and I’ll just go home.”
Jackson continued to stare at him, lips pinched into a thin line. Then he shook his head with a huff and grabbed Jinyoung’s wrist in a tight grip. “Come on.” Pulling him along, he started the track towards his own dorm, while Jinyoung tried to free his arm. But Jackson seemed determined to cut off the blood flow or something because his hand didn’t even budge.
They arrived at his dorm and he didn’t even let go to open the door, just fumbled awkwardly for his keys with one hand and pulled them both inside the second it was open. “Jackson.”
“Man you must be angry if you’re using my full name.” He wouldn’t look at Jinyoung. He only let go to grab a towel from his closet and then he was pulling Jinyoung around again, like a fucking dog on a leash. “Go shower. Now. You’re gonna catch your death.”
“I’m fi-” Jinyoung didn’t manage to hide the flinch when he saw the truly impressive glare Jackson sent him. “Fine.” Ripping the towel out of his hands, Jinyoung made sure to slam the door, only to immediately feel guilty for the childish action. The shower didn’t really help to calm him down, even though he had it burning hot again. At some point, Jackson must have opened the door to put dry clothes on the toilet seat, but Jinyoung was too drained to feel any sense of shame.
When he got out - Jackson’s joggers just slightly too small for him, but drowning in the shirt - the owner of the clothes was sitting on his couch, towelling his wet hair dry with a smaller towel. He, too, had changed into dry clothes, Jinyoung noticed distractedly. “Thanks, can I go now?”
“Jinyoung.” Jackson’s voice sounded exasperated, but he still looked worried. “Talk to me. I know I shouldn’t have lied, but I promise you I can explain.”
He looked guilty and Jinyoung hated that he looked guilty.
Because just like it wasn’t Mark’s fault that he was the secret bane of Jinyoung’s existence, no matter how much he loved his older brother, it also really wasn’t Jackson’s fault that Jinyoung had to go and fall in love with him. “You don’t need to explain.”
Jackson raised his eyebrows and let out a snort. “You’re clearly pissed at me.”
“No.” Sighing, Jinyoung crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not, I’m angry at myself.”
“Why?” When Jinyoung continued to stand in the middle of the room, Jackson pulled him onto the couch, propping his leg up between them to look at him. “Because I gotta tell you, running away like that doesn’t seem like the level-headed Park Jinyoung I know.”
Jinyoung’s snort sounded decidedly more bitter than Jackson’s had. "You have no idea.”
“Then explain it to me.” The words didn’t even sound impatient or annoyed. Just sad and still so concerned.
Worrying his lip between his teeth, Jinyoung tried to think of an excuse, any excuse. He had given Jaebeom so many over the years, why was his head empty now? “I don’t think you would understand.” He took a deep breath when he felt his eyes well up again and actively worked on forcing the tears back down. “It’s… I don’t even know, it’s complicated. It’s not your fault.”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s my fault or not, Jinyoungie.” Jackson moved to grab his hands gently, playing with his fingers deliberately, like he was trying to calm him down. “Something I or we did clearly made you upset.”
The we nearly broke Jinyoung, his chest seizing up again. “I can’t tell you who you can meet or not.” His voice was barely above a whisper, his whole body tense to keep what was left of his emotions from spilling.
“No, that’s true. But you can be upset that I lied.” When Jinyoung tried to pull away, Jackson grabbed his hands more firmly. “Your birthday.” Confused by the sudden change of topic, Jinyoung looked up at him. “We were planning something for your birthday. I asked them to meet me.” Jackson was blushing faintly, shrugging his shoulders. “I didn’t think this would- I didn’t think you would see us.”
The tears spilt as a sense of relief flooded Jinyoung’s whole body. “I went to get you coffee.” He mumbled. “And a snack. I thought you were being an idiot again and not eating.”
The sound that left Jackson sounded pained again and Jinyoung looked at him in question. “Jinyoungie, I-” His face was flushed again and he moved his hands to wind around Jinyoung’s waist, pulling him closer. “You’re making everything very hard.” The words were barely loud enough for Jinyoung to hear, but his body tensed up again.
Had… had he revealed too much? Had he overstepped? It wouldn’t have been the first time, him taking care of Jackson this way, but maybe… maybe now that he had Mark and Jaebeom… no but that was just for his birthday? His birthday, that wasn’t for another month, so maybe Jackson had lied to spare his feelings?
Oh god.
Did he know? Did he know about Jinyoung’s feelings for him? Had Jaebeom known? Is that why he had never said anything about Jinyoung’s two months of distance? Because he had known that Jinyoung needed the space? Had he needed space from Jinyoung and his inappropriate feelings?
Did they… Have they been talking about him behind his back? Had-
“-nyoungie! Hey, breathe!” Jackson’s voice shook him out of his spiral, his face once again framed by warm hands. “Just like that, breathe, yeah?”
A sob broke out, followed by another and another. “I’m so sorry.” He gasped out, pulling into himself as much as he could, his own hands moving up to his eyes. “I’m being so stupid. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Jackson didn’t deserve to deal with his whole mess. Jaebeom didn’t, Mark didn’t, nobody did. He was being selfish and stupid and he couldn’t stop crying.
Jackson was shushing him gently, pulling him into his chest again, rocking them back and forth. “You’re not being stupid, we can figure this out, just let me help, yeah?”
But Jinyoung could only shake his head. “There’s nothing you can do, this is my problem to deal with.” He hiccuped, heart yearning to fall against Jackson, to let himself be held, but mind desperately trying to escape the situation.
“I could try if you told me the problem, baby.”
And Jinyoung’s brain just shut off for a solid second, before he was wrenching himself from Jackson’s arms and jumping from the couch. He was frantically shaking his head, putting some distance between them. “Don’t- please, don’t call me that.” In his head, he heard Mark call Jaebeom the same, heard Jaebeom use similar pet names, imagined them using them on Jackson. How had he ever fucking survived after he had caught Jaebeom with Mark? Well, he had had Jackson, he thought as he looked at the older. Who would he have now?
Jackson’s eyes were wide, a little hurt, but he had his hands pulled upwards in a placating gesture. “Shit, I’m sorry, it just slipped out, I know you don’t…” He sucked in a harsh breath and slapped a hand over his mouth, looking away and Jinyoung frowned deeply.
“I don’t what?”
“Jinyoungie, are you in love with Mark?”
They spoke at the same time, Jinyoung barely catching Jackson’s question. The frown deepened and Jinyoung’s mouth fell open a bit. “What?” The question came out harsher than intended, way harsher than he felt and Jackson flinched from it.
“Do you love Mark?” He looked very uncomfortable with the question, eyes shifting down to look somewhere near Jinyoung’s hip. “Because you often talk about him and you seemed flustered when he touched your hair and just now, I was out with Mark and you… well, I don’t know, are you in love with him?”
Jinyoung stared at him for a long moment, eyes wide and mouth not closing until he took a harsh breath, his voice working on its own. “I’m in love with you, you idiot.”
Silence.
Jackson had a stupid analogue clock hanging in his dorm room and Jinyoung had always wondered who the fuck still needed one of those. Right now he really wanted to chuck it out the window, because it was the only thing he heard in the quiet after he had spilt his biggest secret like an utter moron.
When Jackson only looked at him with huge eyes, mouth working like he wanted to say something, but didn’t know what, Jinyoung couldn’t take it anymore and turned on his heel, making his way towards the door. It was done. It was over.
Just before reaching it, his arm was grabbed and he was whirled around, his back connecting harshly with the door. He was about to throw his arms up, confused and worried that Jackson was so mad that he would hit him when something warm connected with his lips and suddenly he was being kissed.
A gasp left him between their lips and his whole body went pliant in shock. Using the moment, Jackson worked a hand between his head and the door, rubbing almost in apology, his hand moving to Jinyoung’s waist, where his fingers dug in possessively. A moment longer and Jinyoung’s own arms moved up to wind around Jackson’s waist, moving to grab at his shoulders as his eyes finally closed. He leaned into the kiss, poured everything he had into it, all the repressed feelings, all the guilt, all the insecurity. His fingers tightened into Jackson’s t-shirt, desperately hanging on, as the older pulled him closer and closer until they were pressed together head to toe.
Just as Jinyoung was starting to get light-headed, the thought of pulling away to breathe never even crossing his occupied mind, Jackson did it for him. He leaned their foreheads together and they just breathed for a moment, Jinyoung’s mind reeling. He leaned forward and pressed his face into the crook of Jackson’s neck, scared that the other shoe would drop, that this was all some weird mistake, or worse, that he had completely lost his mind and imagined the whole thing.
Jackson didn’t seem hurried to disentangle them, though, just pressed his own face into Jinyoung’s neck, lips moving faintly against the skin there. At least it started faint until the press of lips got harder and harder and Jinyoung let out a gasp when he felt teeth. “Are you leaving a fucking hickey?” He demanded in a breathless voice. The teeth clamped down hard for a moment, his hand slapping at Jackson’s shoulder in shock as his mouth fell open in a silent moan. With an apologetic kiss, followed by gentle rubbing of lips, Jackson finally pulled back, pressing a last deep kiss to Jinyoung’s own lips. Then to his cheek, then to his forehead, finishing with a peck to his nose, Jinyoung’s eyes blinking at him in confusion.
“Sorry,” Jackson’s voice was equally rough, his grip moving down to grab Jinyoung’s nape instead of his head. “You have no idea how often I was tempted to do that. And now your neck was right there, I just couldn’t resist.”
The disbelieving laugh that left Jinyoung felt oddly freeing, the tension that had snapped between them slowly mellowing out. “I am so confused.” Jinyoung’s hands moved down as well, crossed behind the small of Jackson’s back, keeping him close. His eyes were wide, his cheeks definitely flushed if the heat in them was anything to go by.
“Oh!” Jackson leaned down to nuzzle the side of his temple, breath warm against Jinyoung’s cheekbone. “I love you, too, in case that wasn’t obvious.”
Jinyoung’s thoughts screeched to a halt and he leaned his head back fast enough to knock it against the door again, hissing in pain. “What?”
Jackson made a face and rubbed his hand over the spot that hit the wood. “Careful, I quite like that head of yours.”
“My head is about to explode from confusion, asshole.” He wasn’t even exaggerating. Confusion and residue panic were making his head hurt and the crying probably hadn't helped. Jackson looked apologetic and pulled him back towards the couch, pushing him down gently, before sitting down next to him, closer than before. He didn’t seem quite satisfied though and ultimately manhandled Jinyoung until he was sitting in his lap, the younger a wide-eyed mess of jumbled thoughts. “So is this like a thing now?” He asked embarrassed, but he would lie to himself if he said that he wasn’t quietly pleased as well.
“If it were up to me, you would never fucking leave my side again.” And Jinyoung would have laughed if it weren’t for the completely serious way Jackson had said it. He stared at him in wonder, slowly shaking his head in disbelief. His hand, though, found Jackson’s nape and leaned in to kiss him, lingering for a moment before pulling away again.
Jackson’s grin was the brightest one Jinyoung had ever seen on him and his heart felt like it increased in volume looking at it. “You’re a menace, Seun-ah.”
“But I’m your menace.”
He wanted to laugh at it, wanted to say something like ‘God help me’, but the only thing that left his lips was a quiet, wondrous, “Yeah, apparently you are.”
They sat there for a moment, just quietly basking in each other’s presence, while Jackson’s fingers slowly massaged Jinyoung’s headache away. “Jinyoungie…” He seemed to hesitate and Jinyoung knew that he needed an explanation but that he didn’t know how to ask for one.
He sighed, leaning his head against Jackson’s shoulder, finally letting himself be held, the way he had always wanted to, but still a little shell-shocked about the whole day. “I’m sorry I freaked you out.” He settled on, to begin with. When Jackson tried to protest, Jinyoung shook his head, his own fingers weaving through Jackson’s unoccupied ones. “I am sorry, because you didn’t know what was going on and I was too scared to explain.”
The warm fingers squeezed his, moving up so that Jackson could press a kiss against the back of Jinyoung’s hand. “Are you still scared now?”
“Fucking terrified.” Jinyoung huffed out a dark laugh but softened it by pressing a kiss against Jackson’s cheek in answer. “But you deserve to know where that came from. Because it really wasn’t your fault.” It wasn’t Mark or Jaebeom’s fault either, never had been. Not maliciously, not by design anyway.
So he told Jackson. Slowly, over the next hour, he told him everything that had happened since they had started as freshmen. That had happened even before with Jaebeom. That had happened after Mark and him started dating, how Jinyoung had found out about it. How other people behaved around Mark. How he had fallen for Jackson. How it wasn’t his fault. How it wasn’t any of their faults.
While talking, he tried a few times to put some distance between them, waited for the moment, Jackson would let go, would get overwhelmed by how needy Jinyoung was, how insecure, how pathetic he felt. But Jackson never let him move, never let go, just pulled him in, kept his arms secured around Jinyoung’s frame. His waist, his back, his hands, his hair, even his face when a new batch of tears managed to escape, even though Jinyoung was so tired of crying already.
Jackson held him close, kissed him during pauses, held his hands and kept repeating that Jinyoung wasn’t pathetic, wasn’t wrong in his feelings… wasn’t expendable. Wasn’t second choice. Was loved. By him. He was loved by Jackson. Jackson was in love with him.
Jinyoung couldn’t wrap his head around it.
But he refused to let go of him, now that he had him.
When they went to sleep, Jinyoung was still entangled with Jackson, pressed close with his head lying on Jackson’s chest, strong arms secured around him and his own leg trapped between Jackson’s, the blanket secured around them like their own little cocoon.
And after Jackson pressed a last lingering kiss to his lips, just before they fell asleep, Jinyoung could only close his eyes and breathe him in, mind blissfully calm and quiet.
---
He didn’t know how long they were actually asleep for before he was being woken up by the insistent and annoying ring of Jackson’s doorbell. He groaned, his face pressed into Jackson’s neck as the other started to stir as well. Jackson’s head massages yesterday had helped some, but three fucking cries in one day still made his head hurt, if he hadn’t actually fallen sick because of the rain. He felt a kiss being pressed against his hair and whined softly when Jackson started to stand, but gentle Mandarin placated him enough to shift over and press his head into Jackson’s pillow instead.
It was quiet for a blissful second and then loud voices filtered through the walls, pulling out a louder groan from him as he turned onto his back and stared up at the ceiling blearily. The voices quieted down, but still sounded vaguely frantic, so he slowly moved to the edge of the bed and sat up, head just shy of spinning. Taking a moment longer than probably necessary he rose to his feet and stumbled his way out of Jackson’s room, in search of the commotion.
Mark and Jaebeom were standing in Jackson’s living room, both looking panicked while Jackson seemed to try to calm them down. “Park Jinyoung!” Jaebeom noticed him first, his voice way too loud for Jinyoung’s liking, making him flinch as he nodded his head in a vague answer to the accusation in Jaebeom’s voice. “Where the ever-loving fuck have you been?”
“Here?” Jinyoung asked, mind still half asleep.
Mark moved past Jackson and reached out to Jinyoung, hand brushing over his bedhead as he always did in the mornings. “We were worried, Young, you didn’t come home last night. And before you-” The hand was pulled away suddenly, Jackson’s frame appearing behind Jinyoung as he pulled the younger against his chest, hand feeling hot and possessive around his middle. Mark froze for a moment and Jinyoung saw his eyes catch on something in the vicinity of Jinyoung’s neck. Only then, did he remember the fucking hickey Jackson had left on him the night before, his hand moving up to clasp over it in embarrassment. Mark’s eyes widened for the fraction of a second before his lips stretched into the most shit-eating grin Jinyoung had ever seen on him. “Oooooh, I see we didn’t need to worry.” He almost sing-songed, laughing slightly, even though he stepped back, hands up in surrender.
Jinyoung flushed, but rolled his eyes and leaned back against Jackson’s chest. Maybe he was feeling a little bit possessive as well. Jackson surely couldn’t judge him for it, the way he’d been behaving ever since he had kissed Jinyoung for the first time.
“What? Why didn’t we-” Jaebeom stepped next to Mark, voice indignant but fading out when he saw what Mark had seen. His eyes widened, looking from Jinyoung and over his shoulder to Jackson, who had remained quiet once Jinyoung came out of his room. “Well.” Jaebeom seemed a bit lost for words, but then let out a chuckle, shaking his head. “Fucking finally, I’d say.”