Work Text:
Guren’s just about wrapped up the first draft of his latest mission report when he’s startled out of his perfect concentration by three quick raps on his door.
He sighs, shoving a hand through his hair, but doesn’t even look up from the mess of papers scattered across the surface of his desk. He has no intention of answering the door, whatsoever. Whoever it is probably doesn’t want to be there as much as Guren doesn’t want them there, and they’ll leave soon enough, figuring out Guren’s either not there or not answering.
Guren, eyes still glued to his papers, listens for the telltale sign of retreating footsteps, but he doesn’t hear them. Instead he hears a familiar exasperated sigh and immediately another bout of pounding on his door.
“Hey! Ichinose Guren,” the person on the other side of the door, now identifiable as Hiiragi Shinya, shouts, “are you in there?”
Guren huffs, wondering why the idiot would even ask such a stupid question, and the knocking continues for a few more beats.
There’s another sigh and Shinya finally stops knocking. “I know you’re in there, Guren. I can hear your loud mouth-breathing all the way from here.”
Guren finally tears his gaze from the report, anger and annoyance flaring, readying himself mentally to open the door and let himself beat the crap out of the guy.
It’s a deep-rooted and long-festering hate that Ichinose Guren holds for each and every member of the Hiiragi house. Shinya is no exception to this, even if he isn’t related to the family by blood. He was still brought up as one of them, amongst them, taught their twisted values, and treated with the same undeserved respect by the rest their community.
"Alright, I'm letting myself in!" Shinya announces from the other side, and Guren jumps to his feet when he hears the door handle jiggling.
"I'm not here, so don't come in!" Guren shouts at the door, moving towards it with his hands stretched out in front of him, ready to throw himself against the door to keep Shinya out.
"Hah!" Shinya shouts victoriously as he steps into the room, quickly shutting the door behind him. "I knew you’d be in here!" Slipping past Guren, who barely stops himself from colliding into both Shinya and the door (Shinya just stands there, waiting for the impact, that bastard.), Shinya strides into the room. "It's me!" he chirps, flicking his wrist at Guren in a wave-like fashion.
"Don't just let yourself in to my room, Shinya. I'm busy, and you're just going to be in the way." Guren grits out, still standing next to the door, hands unconsciously balling into the fists. "If I wanted company I would have opened the door for you when you first knocked."
"So you say, but i see a face that is glad to see me!" Shinya plays, striding towards Guren's desk, quietly tsk-ing the mess of papers.
"And whose face would that be?" he deadpans.
"Yours, of course!"
"Look at me, Shinya," Shinya's blue eyes meet his from across the room. Guren frowns very pointedly. "Tell me I look glad to see you. Tell me I'm not annoyed,” he challenges.
"I just see your normal face," Shinya replies after a second of observation, grin spreading across his face. Guren growls and Shinya quickly looks back at the papers, picking up one or two of them to look at, grinning face turning into one of concentration.
"Yeah, because you're always annoying," Guren grumbles, and stalks in the direction of Shinya and the desk.
Shinya puts the pages down, taking a step back and away from both Guren and the desk. Guren notices the back of his legs hitting the bed. "Really? I always thought you were just tired," he pouts.
"Shut up. And get out. I'm serious, Shinya." Guren says, this time with less force, though. Now next to the desk, he lets himself fall back into the chair, anger and annoyance flowing out of him, leaving him feeling tired. Really fucking tired. The chair is hard and uncomfortable, and the white haired main is still as stubborn as ever, but these papers aren’t going to finish and edit themselves. His eyes flick to the clock sitting in the right corner of his desk; it's just past midnight.
"Hey, listen, Guren--"
"Get out, Shinya." Guren interrupts on principle, but with the heels of his hands shoved into his eyes they way they are, combined with the set of his shoulders and a tone of voice that has no real power behind it, he's knows he’s not very convincing.
Still rubbing his eyes, Guren only hears a huff and a small pat of fabric on fabric, and when he drags his gaze up Shinya is sitting on his bed, staring at the floor. Guren notes the clipboard at Shinya’s side briefly, before he turns fully back towards his desk then, picking up his pen to resume working. If history was anything to go by Shinya didn't plan on going anywhere, anytime soon, and Guren had neither the time, patience or energy to fight him any longer.
(Guren can't remember when exactly it was, the first time that Shinya had pushed his way into Guren's room in the middle of the night just to sit quietly on his cement floor and do absolutely nothing besides be present.
What he does remember was the annoyance he felt at the time. He had an important mission report to finish that was to be turned early the following morning, and Shinya was just. In the way. Like he always was.
"Guren, you're still writing your mission report?" he asked leaning into Guren's space after Guren had finally given up trying to get him the fuck out. "That's due tomorrow at six in the morning, why on earth did you wait so long?"
"Shut up," Guren had snapped at him, annoyance washing over him like a wave, but receding just as quick. "I dont know why they make me write this stupid thing anyways, I'm sure they take one look at the name and then toss it. It's a waste of my time, and no one cares about the word of an Ichinose."
"Guren..." Shinya had said, normally delicate voice sounding even more delicate. "I don't think that's true. They may not..." he hesitated, and Guren knew he was considering the right words to use, "...treat you very well, but. But they value your opinions, and no matter what they think no one can deny the fact that you're an extremely valuable asset to them," He looked at Shinya then, who was staring straight at him, but it felt a little bit too much like Shinya was looking straight through him for him to be comfortable, and he’s sure the set of his shoulders was a tense one. "That's more than I can say they think about the both of us."
And Shinya was suddenly--he was doing that thing again. The one he always did [still always does] where he tears himself down in order to lift others up. The thing where he almost unknowingly defends the family that spits in his face, while at the same time tearing himself down, too. Guren knows Shinya hates the Hiiragi's almost as much as he does, so he wonders if the guy even notices himself doing it.
Guren remembers only snorting at Shinya's comments, because no matter how much pity he felt for the guy, he still bared the last name of his tormentors. Shinya had smiled weakly in reply, then excused himself from the room, bidding him good luck with his report.
Guren definitely doesn't remember the tiny sorrowful squeeze he felt in his chest at watching him go in such an obviously upset state. At that time he’d been quick to remind himself that he'd been in Shinya's shoes before, and no one came running after him to apologize, so why should he be so quick to help others?
Guren can't remember the second or third time or the rest of the times after that very well either, but despite his continued rudeness and general hostile nature, he still would find Shinya pushing his way past Guren into the room on random nights (always and without fail at the most inconvenient times, like on the nights he’d have something important to be finishing) settling himself on Guren's floor with a book or even sometimes with his own paperwork, and just being there. Existing in Guren's space.
It's something that, to this day, Guren doesn't understand--Shinya’s kindness whenever he is dealing with Guren--and so he fights it whenever he can. He tries to keep Shinya out. Not physically, but through words he doesn't really mean and with looks and he doesn't really feel.
But Shinya is... more stubborn than Guren, on this, and after about the 5th encounter Guren decided he really didn't mind the company, even if it did have to come from Hiiragi Shinya of all people.
Of course Guren can't let him know that, though, so each time Shinya arrives on his doorstep Guren puts up the same fight. And he always loses.
Or maybe...
He always lets himself lose.)
When Guren finally finishes his report--has all 20 pages filled out, sorted and stapled--the clock tells him it's just past 2 am.
He yawns loudly, and stretches his arms high above his head. There's a itch at his side, so he scratches it, shivering at the pleasure. With the paper finished, he can finally relax. He lets himself stare at nothing for a good 5 minutes as his brain shuts down for the night, and when that's done, and he's successfully thinking of absolutely nothing at all, he steps over to the dresser that's on his right, and plucks a pair of pajamas out of one of the drawers.
He's all the way out of his uniform jacket and halfway into the plain white tank that he sleeps in, when he hears a soft mumble somewhere behind him, and then the sounds of something shifting on his bed. He spins around, immediately, on the balls of his feet, ready for a fight, ready to shout for help.
Needless to say, Guren is thrown when, instead of someone come to attack him, he finds Shinya still in his bed. Asleep.
Guren could have sworn he'd heard the white haired man leaving about an hour ago, but apparently lack of sleep was getting to him, because there he still was, curled up at the corner of Guren's bed, snoring softly.
Guren has half a mind to scream at him from across the room, but he stops before he can get the words out, suddenly wondering just why the hell the guy was still in Guren's room. He usually only stayed for an hour and left on his own, or occasionally waited until Guren was finished so Guren would kick him out himself. He never falls asleep, and even if he had it had never been on Guren's bed. But here he was.
Shinya.
Asleep.
In his bed.
"Oi, Shinya," he calls, but it's only a half-assed attempt to wake the guy up.
He approaches the bed and as Shinya's peacefully sleeping face that’s angled away from him arrives in his field of a view. Guren feels his annoyance level rising just slightly, but his emotions are mostly muffled by his need for sleep.
"Shinya," He calls again, louder this time. Shinya still doesn’t stir.
Guren gives the mattress a half hearted kick. "Get up, idiot. Go sleep in your own bed," he barks. It's not very loud but it's enough, Guren thinks, to wake any normal human being up.
Finally, Shinya begins stir. instead of taking advantage of the moment, Guren watches, silently, which is stupid, because he really just wants to sleep already, and he can't do that with Shinya in his way, but… (he’ll blame it on lack of sleep later). He just looks... peaceful, like this. And it's strange feeling that begins to simmer in the pit of his stomach as the major general shifts from his side to his back and onto his other side, now properly facing Guren. His eyes remain closed all the while, and he doesn't make a peep. He's still asleep. Guren watches for a moment. Observes the steady rise and fall of Shinya's chest as he breathes, and studies the planes of his face.
Guren suddenly feels like he's 16 again and remembers how Shinya was all smiles, (though that's something that never really changed) and Guren's brooding and lonely, and he only has eyes for Mahiru, and even then Shinya is there. Standing just inside his field of view. Whether it's right next to him snickering as Guren nods off during another lecture, or far away, like during Mahiru's speech their first year at the academy, Shinya's always been. He's just been there.
The sudden memory of Mahiru makes something inside his chest ache, and he lets out an unsteady breath of air that he didn't realize he'd been holding, before making another attempt to wake the man.
"Shinya," he says, this time quieter, like he doesn't trust his own voice, but perhaps with more urgency. "It's already 2:30, go to your own damn room." He wonders if this is going to be another thing he sacrifices to Shinya. His bed. Or, half of it, at least. It’s probably big enough for both of them if it comes to it but--
Shinya hums something then that sounds an awful lot like "I don't wanna," and Guren knows he's being played.
He puts his arm out ready to shake Shinya, but before he can make contact, Shinya's eyes are already fluttering open. His blue eyes are clouded with sleep as he props himself up with one arm and rubs the heel of his palm against his temples with the hand of the other.
"This uniform," he croaks, voice raspy with sleep but still attempting to be light hearted, "is very uncomfortable, don't you think, Guren?" He looks up at Guren then. His gaze falls onto Guren's outstretched arm which Guren realizes is still floating between them. He pulls it back jerkily, as if Shinya's gaze had burned it. He doesn't miss the frown that pulls at Shinya face then. It makes Guren uncomfortable, and Shinya seems to notice this, because the corners of his lips quickly turn upwards.
Only, his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Guren realizes, with a start, that the look in Shinya's eyes is inexplicably sad.
Guren has known Shinya since they were 15. He has seen Shinya with many faces, but never this one. The simmering in the pit of his stomach was back, only now it was more like a tightly coiled spring, and his whole body was tense with it.
"You're sad," he says, blurting the first thing that come to mind and cursing his brain to mouth filter for not working as well at 2am as he wishes it would. It's not a question and Shinya looks away, but he doesn't deny it.
Instead, Shinya forces a laugh that’s probably supposed to prove him wrong, but it's wrong and ugly and Guren feels his face pinch together in disgust.
"Please don't look at me like that," Shinya says, with the same non-smiling smile on his face.
"You're not even looking at me, how do you know what face I'm making?"
"Because," Shinya says and Guren can hear the cracks in his smile, and the way his sentences sound like long sighs. "Because I know you, Guren."
Guren doesn't know what to say to that, because yeah, Shinya does know him. In the end he probably knows him better than anyone. Because in the end, Shinya had always been there. In high school, when he had no one, not even mahiru, he still had Shinya. When he lost Mahiru-- when they both lost Mahiru, he'd been there. Whenever Guren needed someone, Shinya had been there, no matter how much he'd pushed him away and tried to keep him out.
Shinya was--
"You're tired," he says simply, because he panics and doesn't know what else to say, and he hates himself for it. Suddenly hates himself for breaking Shinya's sadness down into something as simple as being tired. It was like telling Shinya that his problems weren't worth Guren's time, even though Shinya had always so in-tune with his own problems. Not that Guren ever wanted him to know them, Shinya just, somehow, knew everything already. "Sorry, Shinya. I--"
"No, no, no. You're absolutely right, Guren," Shinya says, separating himself from Guren's bed, back to the man. He looks fragile like this, at 2am, just having woken up and still probably a little disoriented, like he’s swimming in his uniform, and he sways on his feet a little, and for a moment Guren wonders if he might fall over. Guren is getting ready to catch him if need be, but it looks like Shinya doesn't need his help. "I'm just tired, of course,” he grits out.
“Little Hiiragi Shinya, not allowed to feel real emotions, because he was adopted by the most respected house in Japan, so how can his life be that hard? Little Hiiragi Shinya who was always at the top of his class, and who was set to marry the prettiest girl in all of Japan by age 15. His life can’t be that hard," Shinya says mockingly, voice getting louder with every word, and he spins around on Guren at the end of it and Guren can see that something has clearly snapped in the other. "Little Hiiragi Shinya not allowed to feel real emotions just because his life doesn't seem as bad as everyone else's from the outside. Because assholes like Ichinose Guren who come from families with parents who are still alive and whose family still loves them and who have had requited love in their life are apparently way worse off.
"Well let me tell you something, Ichinose Guren, not all of us were lucky enough to grow up in a household where parents were kind and parents tried to do what was best for their children despite their low status, and not all of us fall in love with beautiful girls who love us back! Some of us actually get the shit end of the stick. We get spit on by the people who are supposed to love us and take care of us, and we fall in love with people who don’t love us back because their hung up on--"
The rest of what he's saying gets muffled by Guren's shoulder, because Guren's arms are around Shinya before he knows what he’s doing, pulling Shinya tight to him (another thing, he thinks, he’ll be blaming on lack of sleep later). Shinya struggles for a few seconds, clawing at Guren's arms, pushing him away, but Guren's stronger than he is, and he just holds Shinya tighter. Shinya give up after a second, and slumps into Guren's chest.
The coil in the pit of Guren's stomach runs red hot through his chest now, leaving behind a fierce ache, and he thinks maybe, maybe it's because Shinya had--
He mentioned Mahiru and--
Shinya hiccups into his chest, and the ache has moved from Guren's chest up into his throat and--
"Don't. Be sad," Guren softly demands, choking out the words, as if he has any right or reason to demand something like that of Shinya, who he's only ever yelled at and made the butt of his sarcasm. Who he's probably only ever made even sadder.
He's also not very good at... comforting people. Shinya's always been the one--
The one who--
He was always there and--
Guren suddenly goes stiff eyes blown wide with realization as he puts Shinya’s past actions with his words from a minute ago. He knows Shinya knows something's wrong because he he can feel him going stiff too. Shinya starts pushing at Guren again, but it's a weak attempt, and Guren just pulls him tighter, so there's no room for Shinya's squirming.
Guren's heart clenches as hand leaves Shinya's back in favor of cradling the back of his head, and he drops his head so his mouth's next to Shinya's ear to speak. He’s dense and stubborn, but he’s not--he’s not cruel.
"Thank you, Shinya," he says in a low voice. "I'm sorry, I--" his throat suddenly closes up and he can't get the words that he wants to say out.
Silence passes between them, it's thick and strange and full of things that should be given a voice, but when Guren opens his mouth he can't summon any words.
"It's," Shinya says, still trapped in Guren’s grip, "It's okay Guren, you don't have to say it. I already know."
"What?" Guren is so caught off guard by Shinya that the question falls straight out of his mouth, "You already know what, Shinya?" He knows he's missing something; been missing something for a long time. He's seen it flicker across Shinya's face sometimes when he thinks no one's watching. It's something sad, but it's not just that. There's something else there and Guren hasn't been able to put a finger on it just yet.
"You're not really going to make me say it, are you?" he asks, and Guren relaxes his hold the tiniest bit to let himself get a good look at Shinya. He won't meet Guren's eyes, his gaze stuck on Guren's chest, but the look is there, clear as day and it makes Guren want to pull Shinya tight again, despite himself.
"Say what?" Guren quietly implores.
Shinya chances a glance up at him then, and Guren can see the man registering Guren's confusion. He feels Shinya's gasp more than he hears it, a jerky thing that Guren somehow feels reverberating deep within himself.
"You can't possibly not know," he says apprehensively, and his eyes look terrified as they search Guren's for something. "You're not that dense... Are you?"
He doesn't seem to find what he's looking for and another small gasp escapes his lips as Guren falls further into confusion.
Suddenly Shinya's laughing, but it's wretched and pathetic and ugly all over again, nothing like his normal tinkling laughter (and-- when did Guren start using words like beautiful to describe anything shinya did? he'd very much like to know) but he can suddenly think of a million things shinya does beautiful like laugh, and smile, and talk and sleep and--
“Oh, God," Shinya says, horrified, pushing out of Guren's grasp, and in Guren’s confusion he almost gets away, but Guren’s fighter reflexes kick in, and he latches a firm hand onto Shinya's thin arm, holding him still. His grip is so tight he feels like he could rip Shinya's arm off if he tried. He's not letting go either way, he's too close to the truth; he can almost taste it...
“All this time I thought you were just being nice to me, taking pity on the fool who loved you but..."
Shinya keeps talking--at least he thinks Shinya does--but Guren doesn’t hear past the word 'love'. Whose love? Shinya's? Shinya loving... who? Loving ...Guren?
And like a puzzle, all of the pieces suddenly fit together in Guren's mind, and, wow, so many things about the two of them begin to make sense. The way shinya acts and the things he’s done, all of it for Guren.
But, does Guren love him back? Certainly not. Certainly he would have--Guren would have noticed falling in love with someone, right? He can admit to liking the guy; to not completely and 100% hating him like he claims, but he doesn't love him, right?
Right?
So then why does looking at a hurt Shinya right now hurt him so much? Why does suddenly connecting all these dots make his heart feel like it's in his throat, and why are his hands clamming up, and why is he more terrified now than he ever been on any mission in his entire life? He's stared death in the face before, given it a name, and not been as absolutely fucking terrified as he is now.
"It's fine-- you don't have to," Shing beings, trying to smile, but trembling in Guren's grip. "I never actually expected you to feel the same way."
"You love me?" Guren asks dumbly, and wishes Shinya didn't flinch the way he had, like Guren's words had burned him.
"I might have gotten a bit carried away," Shinya says, smiling through tears that Guren can clearly make out at the corners of his eyes. "It's more like a small crush. Honestly, Guren, who doesn't have a crush on you?"
It's a lie and they both know it. Guren can immediately think of a large number of people who 100% do not have a crush on him, beginning with all of the people who hate him instead. A tiny stab of anger hits Guren straight in the gut; he doesn't need someone playing him like this, if that’s what this is. He doesn't need Shinya's--or anyone's--half-assed affection, because Shinya's words are stirring something in him that scares the shit out of him, and he’s terrified. If that's Shinya's goal then he's going to get it out of him, and he's going to put an end to it.
"You love me," Guren declares, and it's not a question this time, doesn't leave Shinya any room to argue. He watches closely as Shinya's face contorts into something awful to look at.. "Say it, Shinya," Guren demands and Shinya stares at the ground like its about to swallow him up, or maybe like he wants it to.
"Shinya," he growls.
"I," Shinya begins, and he struggles for a second, floundering for words, and looking like part of him is drowning; Guren doesn't relent. The air surrounding them is thick, and Shinya's eyes are shining and he's physically steeling himself, Guren can see it in the now hard set of his shoulders, he breathes, very, very gently, "I love you."
Shit.
The words hit Guren like a ton of bricks. He was expecting this, he was, but it still takes the breath right out of his lungs, and all he can hear is static making everything unclear, and soon everything starts falling away from around him, everything except Shinya who is still standing there with tears in his eyes looking like he's only holding on by a thread, world ready to crumble down around him. He's never seen Shinya look so helpless (he’s never seen Shinya look helpless at all), and before he knows what he's doing he's tugging Shinya back into him. Meeting no resistance as his hand automatically slips into the sniper's white locks, he cradles his head and leans in and as gently as he can he puts his lips on Shinya's.
Shinya doesn't try to pull away and Guren is thankful for that. His lips are soft against Guren's and Guren's heart feels like it might burst straight out of his chest, because this is. It's nice. He pulls away quickly, stunned at his own want when Shinya's lips are gone. But the feeling is there, and it's strong.
When Guren takes a good look at Shinya he can't help the huff of laughter that escapes his lips, because Shinya's eyes are screwed shut and he looks so uncomfortable, but when he's opened them his expression changes to disbelief and they stand there staring at each other for what feels like an eternity.
"I think maybe I also--" Guren begins to say, but is cut off by Shinya's hands on his face, and Shinya smashing their lips together, using Guren's surprised state to slip his tongue into Guren's mouth. And Guren is absolutely floored, but he doesn't push Shinya away because he doesn't hate it. He doesn't hate the way he thinks he might have 3 hours ago, and maybe it's due to lack of sleep that all of this has happened, but still. He doesn't hate it. He doesn't hate it, and that means something. At least, some part of him, a small part, wants it to.
Shinya's tongue is curious, licking at Guren’s lips, and the taller man opens his mouth and lets Shinya in, let's Shinya feel him this way because it feels good and it feels... right. Guren relocates the hand in Shinya's hair to Shinya's waist and something seems to happen then, because Shinya suddenly jerks away. He doesn't try break away from Guren, but he won’t meet Guren's eyes as he breathes heavily into the back of his hand. His face is flushed pink.
Guren uses a hand on Shinya's chin to guide his gaze back to him.
"You didn't let me finish," he frowns at the sniper. "I think I might also have developed feelings for you."
"Even when you're confessing you sound like a soldier." Shinya smiles feebly, and his cheeks are still a light shade of pink, and looking at him like that makes Guren's heart do some weird kind of flips and his stomach feels like it's been filled with butterflies, and God, when did this happen he wonders to himself.
He probably knows, though, that it happened somewhere in between late nights and petty fights (usually his own fault) and Shinya being the only constant in his life for the past 5 years.
When Guren closes his eyes he sees the outline of a girl with beautiful long ashen hair. He sees a girl that he loved once. A girl who he loved with every fiber of his being. A girl is would have died for. Her presence is weak, though, and it grows weaker with each passing day. Some days Guren goes days without thinking of her, and he feels guilty, but he also feels like this is what moving on must be.
When Guren opens his eyes he sees a beautiful white-haired boy with big blues staring back at him. It makes his chest do a familiar squeeze. He sees a boy who he could love. A boy he could cherish for a long time to come. A boy who he could die for (but hopes to God he won't ever have to.)
"But what about--" Shinya starts only to be cut off by Guren's lips once more. He knows what Shinya wants to ask, and he knows he shouldn't avoid it, but he also knows now isn't the right time for it to be addressed. He doesn't know when the right time will be, but he doesn't want to ruin this before it's even started. He doesn't trust himself, or his words. He trusts this feeling, and he hasn't had the best track record when it comes to expressing his feelings in the past. Shinya must know this too, of course he probably does. He probably knows Guren better than Guren knows himself sometimes.
There is understanding in his eyes, when Guren pulls away, that he's thankful for.
"Sleep with me," Guren says quietly, unsure, not wanting to overstep some kind of invisible boundary. His cheeks feel warm and Shinya looks so amused for a second before he nods and lets Guren lead him quietly to his bed.
He gets to the bed and then pauses, rummages through his closet for a second and then tosses a shirt at Shinya who takes it and silently turns away to put it on. Guren watches his back intently, studies the muscles in his back as he trades one top for the other. Shinya turns around, smirks upon finding Guren openly watching him, and Guren looks away suddenly discovering shame.
He feels like a 15 year old again, fumbling and awkward, heart feeling like its about to bright right out of his chest as he gets into bed, Shinya right behind him. He shifts onto his side, feeling Shinya next to him, and when he turns Shinya is sitting cross legged in the space next to him, staring down at Guren with a considering look.
"I wish you would tell me what you were thinking," he says softly and still a little bit sadly, extending a hand, and hesitantly carding it through the hair just above Guren's ear. It's strange and very surreal, Shinya being so intimate with him like this, but it's not unwelcome.
"I'm thinking," Guren hesitates, doesn't know what kind of answer Shinya is expecting, "about how lucky I am. And how stupid."
Shinya tilts his head in confusion.
Guren reaches up and pushes back a lock of white hair that untucks itself from behind Shinya's ear, and then shifts onto his back, fixing his gaze on the white expanse above him. "You've always been there for me, making sure I’m okay and that I'm not going to go sacrificing myself during a mission. You were always there, and I never realized. You were always... so strong."
He feels the bed shift and then feet padding on the floor, and he's worried for a second that Shinya might be leaving him, but the lights goes out, and he hears the padding of feet returning to the bed. He feels the bed dip again as Shinya slides in next to him sharing his warmth as he rests his head in the crook between Guren's neck and shoulder. Guren thinks again of the strangeness of it all, but then thinks that perhaps it should be this easy for two people who have known each other as long as Guren and Shinya and known each other, and for how well they know each other..
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Shinya says, laying a hand lightly on Guren's chest. "You were preoccupied. And you were.. mourning. I understand."
The reminder hurts, but it hurts less than he'd expected it to. The pain is fleeting, not suffocating. He sighs. Shinya tenses on top of him. Feeling his discomfort, Guren wraps an arm around his waist protectively.
"I-- I'm sad about it, of course, but i’m not like I was," he talks, and Shinya hums in acknowledgement. "I think, maybe, you had a lot to do with that," he hesitates to say because it's embarrassing and in the end he still has his pride. He’s glad he says it though, in the end. "So, thank you."
"You're surprisingly good at comforting others, when you try, you know that?" Shinya asks moving in a little closer. "I was always afraid, that one day you'd stop letting people in. That you'd stop letting me in. That one day you'd just shut me out completely, and I don't know what I would have done then if you had."
Guren's chest feels tight at the realization that he'd caused so much worry. He's always strived to be as small as possible. It comes with being shunned by the entirety of your peer group, and there are only two people who had been different. Two people in whose presence he let himself flourish. Shinya was one of them.
Guren presses his lips to the crown of Shinya's head, breathing in Shinya's flowery shampoo. It makes him chuckle to himself. He would smell like flowers.
"You smell good," he murmurs, suddenly feeling tired again. He guesses it's a little after three am by now and he's going to hate himself.
Shinya's laugh is loud in stark contrast with the darkness, and Guren's chest feels unbearably light all of a sudden. Shinya lifts his head as his hand snakes up Guren's chest and neck and stops on his cheek, fingertips resting in his hair. He pulls Guren's face to his own and places a quick, sleepy kiss there. Guren’s chest explodes with fireworks and he wonders how long it’s going to take him to fall asleep after it.
"Thank you," Shinya whispers. It’s heavy with the weight of more than just thanks for a compliment on the smell of his hair, and Guren wonders what on earth Shinya would want to thank him for, but he's suddenly too overcome by his desire to sleep to bring it up, so he ‘hmm’s into Shinya's hair instead, letting his eyes fall closed.
"Thank you," he manages to mumble quietly in reply. He scoots in so that he’s impossibly close to Shinya, and feels contentment ebbing in around him in the darkness. His mind feels light and it's the first time in a long time he sleeps through the whole night.