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The first boy Sirius ever had a crush on was a boy named Jonathan who he met in the park one day. Him and Jonathan played together for a few hours while his mother was out but when she came looking for him and found him playing with a muggle she had grabbed him by the ear and dragged him all the way back to Number 12. Sirius was eight years old and thought about Jonathan for three years until he met Remus Lupin.
Sirius loved Remus Lupin from the first moment he saw him, a little boy sitting in the last compartment of the train with his head buried in a book.
Sirius also loved James from the first moment he met him, and he loved Peter from the first moment he met him, too. Sirius was one of those. Devoid of love for so long, he can’t help but give it to anyone who looks at him for longer than five seconds.
But Remus Lupin has always been different.
(For the record, it took Sirius a little over four years to understand how he felt about Remus. It took James Potter about 15 minutes.)
This, however, he knows only in retrospect. Vision of the past is always 20/20, and all that. He is 13 when he notices it for the first time. Thirteen is a good year for them. Thirteen is the age when James first starts falling in love with Lily Evans. Thirteen is the age when they first walk in on Peter jerking off, because he forgot to lock the door. Thirteen is the year when girls apparently decide that ‘bookishly handsome’ is better than just plain handsome, much to Remus’ chagrin.
At thirteen he is beginning to understand how he feels about boys, but he’s not picky, because he appears to have these feelings for girls, too. Maybe that’s not ‘normal’ but it doesn’t really faze him much. It’s just one more thing to use against him when his mother burns him off the family tapestry, which she will eventually.
So he isn’t really bothered by his lack of preference, and nor is James when Sirius tells him.
“Whichever way your flag blows, Sirius,” he tells him. “Just as long as you don’t start fancying me. You may be my best friend, but my heart belongs to Evans.”
Sirius laughs and assures his best friend that he won’t be falling for him anytime soon. Even if James Potter’s opinion is one of the few that Sirius actually cares about, he really isn’t his type.
As to what his type actually is, Sirius isn’t sure. It isn’t James and it isn’t Peter. As for Remus -- well, okay, Sirius can understand all the fuss girls make about the bookish type.
Okay, so he likes guys like Remus. But that doesn’t mean he likes Remus in that way. Silly Remus Lupin, who studies too much and chews on his lip and thought they would stop being his friend if he told them about his condition.
He goes on thinking this way for a little while, but then he notices it. They’re on the top of the Astronomy Tower, drinking this awful Muggle stuff called tequila which tastes likes someone repeatedly punching you in the face but does the job surprisingly well. Peter is already passed out and James is singing a song about Lily Evans.
“Reckon he knows that green and pretty don’t rhyme?”
“It’s amazing how out of tune you can be while singing a song that doesn’t even have a tune.”
Remus throws back a shot, shudders, and then hands the bottle to Sirius. “Here. The song will get better, I swear.”
And that’s when it happens. Sirius looks at the boy in front of him, moonlight beating on his face, eyes slightly glazed over and he realizes just how fucking beautiful Remus Lupin is.
Oh bugger, that’s not good. That’s one of his best friend’s. It’s probably just the alcohol, he reasons with himself. In the morning, he thinks, as he and Remus somehow manage to hoist James and Peter up beneath the cloak, in the morning Remus Lupin will go back to being just Remus Lupin.
In the morning, though, when Sirius wakes up with a headache like if a giant had stepped on his head (they need to learn that hangover potion) he opens his curtains to see Remus Lupin pulling on a pair of trousers, looking about as bad as Sirius feels.
“James won’t get up. He says he’s dead. And Peter won’t move, so he may actually be dead.”
And this, Sirius reasons, is the end. Because if he can still find Remus Lupin beautiful even when he looks like the under layer of Snivellus’ greasy hair, then Sirius is really in trouble.
He doesn’t really admit it to himself under near the end of fourth year.
Sirius Black doesn’t know much about love. His parents aren’t exactly the two best role models, after all, so most of his life he had just assumed that love was a sort of indifference with the tiniest hint of respect.
Then he met James Potter, and he realized that he had been grossly inaccurate. Because he loved James Potter. He didn’t love him in the way James supposedly loved Lily Evans, even though often James would collapse against Sirius and ask him how it felt to love such a ‘handsome shark as me.’
Siruis isn’t sure what a handsome shark is, exactly, but he does love James Potter.
That’s a different type of love, though. He still doesn’t understand the other type, and he doesn’t really feel it until a night in April when they’re all pouring over books at two in the morning.
“Two galleons says Sirius is something that can lick itself.”
Sirius flips him off. “I have enough people to do that for me.”
“You are so vulgar.”
“Hey Pete, if you turn into a cat you can finally shag McGonagall like you’ve always wanted.”
Peter gags. “You are disgusting.”
“What do you think I’ll be?”
“A pig, probably,” Sirius says to James, eyes not leaving the book spread out in front of him.
“You’re enough of a pig for us all.” He rests his chin on his head, staring off wistfully in the distance. “What do you think Lily’s favourite animal is?”
“Probably a snake, like that smelly best friend of hers.”
“Shut up, Black, you know the rule. No Snape talk after 9:00pm unless it’s directly related to pranking.”
“You’re just bitter because she would literally rather spend time with the scum of the earth than your ugly mug.”
Remus surveys them wearily, watching as James tackles Sirius. Ever since he had figured out what they were doing last year he had often vocalized his disapproval. “You guys should go to bed. It’s late. Or you should be studying for your exams, not learning how to do something highly dangerous and illegal.”
James scoffs. “Oh shut up Remus, exams aren’t for two months, which means we have one month and thirty days until we have to start studying.”
“And anyway,” Sirius chimes in as nonchalantly as possible. “You’re worth it.”
Remus smiles at him and there it is, he knows, although how he does he isn’t sure. But either that feeling in his throat and stomach is love, or he’s going to be sick.
Is there a difference, though?
He asks James the next day.
“How do you know when you’re in love?”
James flexes and winks at Sirius. “Do I make you dizzy? Does your heart beat frantically when I look at you? Do you feel the urge to jump me and give me an arse pounding?”
Sirius smacks him. “Arrogant git, I don’t fancy you.”
“You know, that hurts a bit. Why don’t you fancy me?”
Sirius rolls his eyes. “I dunno, I just don’t. Nothing against you. I still love you.”
James ponders this and then asks “Are you in love?”
“’Course not. Just want to make sure I can avoid it.”
“Why would you want to avoid it?”
Sirius leans back and grabs a handful of Bertie Bott’s beans. “You’ve seen my family. They hate me, so no matter who I bring home they’ll find some flaw with them. I could bring fucking Bellatrix home as my girlfriend and they would find something wrong with her, because their hatred for me outweighs even their love for her crazy ass.”
“But you don’t give a shit about your family.”
“Yeah, but I mean, look at Andromeda. She’s been shunned completely. We don’t even think about her, there’s just a big Andromeda sized hole in all our memories. And I know we’re a bunch of pureblooded elitist cunts, but is anything really worth that?”
James, almost glowing in a moment of philosophic wisdom that Sirius will never see again, says, “But it is! I mean, if you find the right person, it’s worth everything! Don’t you think Andromeda is happy as fucking cake right now?”
“Where do you come up with these expressions?”
“I mean, I would do anything for Lily Evans, and she doesn’t even like me.”
“Anything except stop picking on Snape.”
James clamps him on the shoulder and stares at him solemnly. “Sirius, there are some things that go beyond even love.”
In fifth year, he did everything he could to avoid it. That year came to be known as ‘The Year Sirius Black Slept with Anything with a Pulse’ which is ridiculous, because Sirius never actually sleeps with anyone. He barely even kisses anyone. He has no idea how he managed to gain the reputation of school slut without ever actually doing anything. Sirius has kissed three people in his life, and none of those times particularly stood out as anything other than vaguely pleasant.
But he flirted. That was probably what did it. Sirius flirted with almost anyone. Almost. And rumours spread, rumours that he never admitted to – because none of them were true – but that he never exactly denied, either. So word ended up getting around that Sirius Black was making his way around the castle, and only his closest friends knew that there was absolutely no truth in that.
There was a pattern, though, in the people he flirted with, in the people he ‘slept with.’
Basically Sirius Black was 'dating' the exact opposite of Remus Lupin, but he would rather shag Filch than admit that.
“Frank Longbottom is glaring daggers at you, Pads.”
“You didn’t sleep with him, did you?”
Sirius rolls his eyes. “Jesus Christ, Pete, I haven’t slept with anyone. One day you will remember that. But no. According to the grape vine, I had a little tryst with Alice, who he apparently fancies.”
James shakes his head. “You are such a slut, Sirius Black. Hypothetically.”
“I think you’re gonna set a hypothetical record,” Peter exclaims. Sirius looks at the boy and sticks his tongue between his teeth.
“You’re next, Wormtail,” he winks. Peter squeaks.
“Hey!” James ejects. “No fair! What if I want a turn?”
“Prongsie, we’ve been over this. You’re not my type.”
Before James can reply to this, Remus looks up from his book and speaks for the first time. “Why not? He’s thick enough for your standards.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Both James and Sirius ask.
“I’m just saying you seem to have a habit of attracting people who haven’t learned to tie their shoes yet.”
“That’s because no one intelligent would ever sleep with Sirius.”
“Hey!”
“Hypothetically.”
Sirius slaps Peter across the head. “That’s not fair! They weren’t all dumb.”
“Hypothetically?”
“Exactly.”
“And I definitely know how to tie my shoes!”
Remus shrugs and turns his eyes back to his book. “Just an observation.”
“He is right, you know,” James says later as they’re sitting in the common room.
“You know you can’t just pick up a conversation and not tell me what the fuck you’re talking about. I can’t read your mind.”
“We should work on that.”
“We really should.” Sirius tries to grab the snitch out of the air but misses. “But what are you actually talking about?”
“The people you supposedly fool around with. They’re not very bright.”
Sirius’ voice is overly casual. “I hadn’t noticed.”
“Bullshit, Pads. You know that hypothetically fucking around with a bunch of thick people isn’t going to make you magically not fancy him.”
“Fancy who?”
“Moony.”
“What?”
James rolls his eyes heavily as he snatches the snitch. “Let’s not play this game. You’ve had a huge gay boner for Remus since we got on the train first year.”
“Is there any other type of boner you can have for a guy?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“I will when the subject is fucking ridiculous.”
“You don’t have to… I’m your best friend, Pads.”
“So is Remus. Besides, wasn’t he buggering around with whatsherface… MacDonald? At the last party we threw.” Not that he was paying attention.
“Is that why you hate Mary MacDonald so much?”
“I don’t hate Mary MacDonald.”
“Yes you do, she came up to ask you a question about transfiguration and you glared at her so fiercely I thought she was going to burst into flames.”
“I don’t – whatever.”
“Remus isn’t involved. I think they kissed once, but he hasn’t mentioned her since.” James faces him, then, and Sirius finds he can’t quite meet his eyes. “You don’t have to hide how you feel from me. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care if you fancy Remus or Peter or whoever.”
Sirius grins at him. “What if I fancied Evans?”
“Don’t go there, Black.”
Discovering a game, Sirius is suddenly very excited. “Would you rather me sleep with Evans or Snape?”
James shakes his head. “I’m not answering that.”
“No, you have to pick one. Evans or Snape. Which one would you rather me sleep with?”
James lets out a large sigh. Then he whispers, “Lily.”
Sirius laughs, a great, booming laugh that attracts the attention of the other students in the common room. “Really?”
“I love you too much to ever make you shag Snape.”
Sirius sits back in the chair, lifting his legs and laying them across James’ lap. “You’re the best friend a guy could ask for, Jamsie.”
One day in fifth year, Sirius follows Remus to the hospital wing. This was only the second time they had transformed with Remus, and they were still getting the kinks out. Pomfrey was there to meet him in the morning as usual, to help him to the hospital wing, and the three other boys waited until they were out of sight to change back and hurry back up to the castle. But when James and Peter made their way to the common room, Sirius set off after Remus.
“What are you doing?”
Sirius made a mental note to remind James to bring the cloak next time; it was nerve wracking, walking around the castle like this, adrenaline still pumping through their veins.
“I’m just going to stay for a bit,” Sirius whispers back. Noticing the look James is giving him, he snaps at him, “Wipe that smug fucking smirk off your face, Potter, or I swear to God I’ll do it for you.”
James blows him a kiss while Sirius flips him off.
Sirius sneaks quietly into the hospital wing and over to the bed Remus always stays in, isolated in the corner with curtains around it, lest someone noticed that Remus Lupin was frequently in the hospital wing and connected the dots. Pomfrey appears to have disappeared.
“Moony,” he whispers. Remus opens his eyes and smiles when he sees him. Sirius’ heart flips over.
“What’re you doing?” His voice is quiet, and he still does look a little worse for wear, but he looks so much better than he ever has, even better than last month’s transformation. It’s amazing to see the difference, so tangible in front of him, easing Remus’ pain each month. Remus never used to be able to grin after the full moon. Sirius feels incredibly proud of himself.
“Thought I’d keep you company. You still look a little stiff.”
Remus shrugs. “I’m much better, though. Then I ever was. I can’t thank you enough, Pads.”
Sirius sits down on the edge of the bed. “Don’t mention it.”
At that moment Madam Pomfrey opens up the curtains with a murderous look on her face. “Sirius Black –”
“Hullo Madam Pomfrey, fancy seeing you here.”
Remus snorts.
“It is too early, Mr. Black, and you should not be here –”
“Oh c’mon, Madam Pomfrey, can’t I stay? Remus would much prefer it, I’m sure, and I can help out, you know, you can rest, I mean all you really do is apply lotion and shit – er, sorry, stuff, right? Not that you don’t do anything else! You’re a very accomplished nurse and personally I think if it weren’t for you that quill would still be stuck in my – well, you know, you were there, but I think it would be good for Remus and his mental health if I were allowed to stay.”
Pomfrey is giving him the look most adults tend to give him, a mixture of did you really just do that and a hint of admiration that yes, he really did just do that. She turns her glare to Remus.
“My mental health is definitely ailing, Madam Pomfrey. It would be much better.”
Pomfrey looks between the two of them. “Fine, Mr. Lupin, if you insist, but know that I am very strongly against it. If anything happens, I never knew you were here, do you understand, Mr. Black?”
Sirius nods. Pomfrey casts one final glare at the two of them and then says, for good measure, “I don’t approve,” before hurrying away.
“You two must get along well, Moony, you don’t approve of anything either.”
Remus laughs quietly. “We have a sordid love affair, constantly pining after each other, each month bringing us closer together. On my last full moon at Hogwarts I imagine we will embrace and have passionate yet tender love on my hospital bed.”
Sirius forces a laugh, but the idea of Remus and Pomfrey, even in jest, makes him sick. The idea of Remus and anyone, really. He is being disgustingly jealous and possessive, really, it’s quite pathetic.
Sirius sits up, back against the wall. The hospital wing beds are not large, and he is very aware of how close they are. “So do you… need anything?”
“Depends on what you’re asking,” Remus smirks. Sirius clears his throat uncomfortably. He doesn’t know what it is about the full moons, but Remus always seems to have fewer inhibitions than he normally does. Drunk Remus and post-full moon Remus are quite similar, in many ways. Those are the only times Remus ever makes these kind of comments, these innuendoes that Sirius thinks about for days afterwards.
“No, I’m fine. Pomfrey fixed me up.”
“I bet.”
Remus makes an amused noise in his throat and closes his eyes. He turns his head, his nose pushing into Sirius’ thigh. Sirius’ breathing hitches.
“What’re you doing?”
“M’tired.” He digs his nose deeper into Sirius’ leg. Sirius can almost picture what James’ face would be right now. “And you’re taking up half my bed.”
“Would you prefer that I move?”
“Didn’t say that, did I,” Remus mutters. Remus had never exactly been a cuddler – that was Sirius’ job, normally the first one to ignore people’s personal space. Remus normally just looks on in amusement, occasional annoyance if he was reading. Now that Sirius is the one being acted upon, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. As Remus’ breathing evens out, Sirius stays frozen, too afraid to move in case he wakes up Remus.
He stays like that for so long that he eventually falls asleep, too, and he stays that way until James and Peter come to visit later that morning. Sirius awakens when James curls up on his lap.
“The fuck’re you doing, Potter?”
“Sorry, I thought we were all sleeping together.”
Sirius shoves him off of him as Remus wakes up, lifting his head.
“How come Pete and I are never invited to these cute little cuddle fests?”
Sirius blushes a brilliant shade of red and glares at James. James looks at him and is able to immediately gauge Sirius’ mood; James has an uncanny ability to be able to recognize the line when jokes are unwanted, and he changes the topic.
“So anyway, Moony-pie, how’re you feeling today?”
“Well, I’ve been better. But I have most definitely been very, very worse.”
“Good enough to break free of the hospital wing today? Don’t want to waste a Saturday.”
“I think so, but the real question is will Pomfrey let me?”
“Only one way to find out!”
Shooting Sirius a look, he slings an arm around Peter’s shoulders and drags him off to find the nurse. Sirius glares at the back of his head.
Remus rubs at his eyes. “Have you been here the whole time?”
Sirius yawns. “Apparently. Transforming really wears me out.”
“It can’t have been comfortable.” Remus sits up, his shoulder resting against Sirius’. Sirius is about to tell him it was fine when he continues. “Next time you can lie down, y’know.”
That’s not exactly what Sirius had been expecting. He looks at Remus, who is staring right back at him. Unsure of how to respond to that, Sirius just nods.
Remus smiles at him, and Sirius is just about to say something – what he isn’t sure, but something – when James and Peter come sauntering back.
“Good news, Moony, you can go home!”
“That seems like an unnecessarily long train ride for no good reason.”
Sirius laughs. Remus leans into him, something which, judging by the infinitesimal amount James’ eyebrows raise, does not get past him.
“Onwards, friends!” James shouts. Pomfrey sticks her head in the curtains.
“Potter –”
“Sorry, sorry, I’ll use my inside voice from now on.”
Sirius smirks as he climbs out of the bed. “You know, she always calls me Mr. Black.”
“Well after the intimate moment you shared when that quill was –”
Remus coughs heavily, grabbing onto Sirius’ arm to help him get up. Peter grimaces.
“I thought we agreed to pretend that never happened.”
Sirius smirks at him. “You’re still just bitter because I ruined your favourite quill.”
Peter covers his ears with his hands with a shudder. “I’m not listening to you anymore, Padfoot,” he says, before humming loudly. Sirius laughs and chases after him.
(When they’re gone James turns to Remus with his eyebrow raised. “Shut up,” Remus tells him. “I didn’t ask him to stay.”
“You were curled into his thigh.”
“Shut up, Potter.”)
Early in sixth year during a particularly brutal Quidditch game vs Slytherin, Sirius stretches out extra far on his broom to save James from a bludger that had been flying right at him. James, bless his soul, hadn’t even noticed.
The good news was Sirius was able to reach, and sent it flying at the Slytherin Keeper. The bad news was he fell off his broom doing so.
Somebody managed to slow him before he hit the ground, so instead of a horrific death all he got was a horrific concussion. He doesn’t know this until later, however, after he wakes up in the hospital wing to see a nervous Remus hovering above him.
“Oh thank God.”
“Mr. Lupin, I told you it was nothing severe. There was nothing to be concerned about; I’m willing to bet Mr. Black has hit his head numerous times.”
“Whuzzat mean?”
Pomfrey smiles warmly at him. “Sit up, Mr. Black, and drink this.”
“It’s going to taste foul, isn’t it?”
“You won’t know until you try it,” she says. Sirius scowls and takes the cup from her. “This will ease the pain.”
Sirius grunts as he drinks.
“I will assume that grunt means thank you,” Pomfrey says, but she’s still smiling. Pomfrey has always loved him.
“What happened?” He asks Remus as Pomfrey leaves to attend to someone else. Remus looks very pale.
“You fell off your broom, you idiot.” Remus’ voice is harsher than it needs to be. Sirius looks at him in surprise.
“Jesus, Moony, a little bit more compassion for the concussed would be nice.”
Remus sighs. “Sorry. I just – you scared the goddamn shit out of me, Padfoot. Do not ever do that again.”
“Well, shit, I guess I have to cancel next week’s appointment of falling off my broomstick.”
Remus glares at him.
“Geez. Tough crowd.”
The glare does not lessen. Sirius slumps.
“Remus… it’s not like I tried to fall off my broom. I was heroically saving my best friend.”
“It doesn’t matter, it’s just like you with your stupid fucking sports –”
“Oh get over yourself, Lupin. You tried once in first year to ride a broom and you failed and now you’re all fucking pretentious because you think sports are some barbaric fucking activity, and the only reason you think that is because you’ve always secretly wanted to be a goddamn fucking Keeper and don’t try and pretend you don’t because you told me you did in second fucking year and I’m the only one you told, and I told you I’d help you but you refused –”
“I said I was enough of a freak as it was, I didn’t need to be a flying werewolf on top of everything.”
Sirius, breathing hard, looks at Remus. Remus smiles the tiniest bit at him and Sirius bursts out laughing.
“A flying werewolf would be impressive, though.”
Remus looks down. “I just… I saw you fall and, and you were going so fast, and McGonagall acted so quickly but you still hit your head and I know if Dumbledore had been there you wouldn’t have hit your head and I’m going to have to ask him to formally be present for every Gryffindor Quidditch game –” Sirius smiles – “and then all of the Slytherins were cheering as they carried you off the pitch –”
“Fucking pricks.”
“And you were unconscious and Pomfrey kept yelling at me to stop hovering around you…”
“Moony.” His voice is very, very quiet. Remus still isn’t looking at him. “Remus.” Remus finally looks up at him. “I’m okay.”
Remus swallows and Sirius’ eyes flick to his throat. “You might not have been.”
Sirius tentatively reaches out and touches Remus’ arm. “Moony…” Remus takes a shaky breath. “Moony, I…”
Sirius doesn’t know what he was planning on saying so he closes his mouth. Remus’ eyes are startlingly green and he thinks – he thinks – that Remus leans ever so much closer to him; but then James and Peter burst in.
“Padfoot! Pads! We won, buddy, we won! Somehow, I don’t really know what happened, after you swooped in to heroically save me, the ruggedly handsome love of your life –” Sirius rolls his eyes – “Peter – Peter Pettigrew, man of the hour – well, tied for man of the hour – decided that now was the time for his Quidditch debut, and while the boy might not be the best at flying, boy can he swing a bat!”
Peter rolls his eyes. “Only two bludgers even came near me and I accidentally hit one of them at Prongs.”
“Still! My men! My men of the hour!”
“I thought I was the fucking poof,” Sirius mutters. Remus laughs quietly.
“Remus, give Sirius fifty points for his selfless sacrifice in the name of the greater good and my stunningly chiseled face.”
“Maybe one day you will remember that prefects cannot assign points.”
“Fuck. Who’s head boy right now?”
“Potter, I know that’s not you swearing in my infirmary.”
Potter hits Sirius in the arm. “Sirius, how could you swear in such a place as this? Shame on you.”
“Potter, I know that’s not you hitting my patient.”
“Peter, how could you?!”
Pomfrey raises her eyes to the heavens. Probably praying, Sirius thinks. “All three of you, out. Mr. Black will join you in a few hours. Yes, even you, Mr. Lupin,” she adds, in response to Remus’ pleading look. Remus sighs, stares again at Sirius, then stands up and follows James and Peter out of the hospital wing.
“I really think I’m fine, Madam Pomfrey –”
“Most likely, but I don’t like taking chances, Mr. Black. A few more hours will not kill you. I will release you before dinner.”
With no other choice and nothing to do, Sirius just lies down and goes to sleep.
When he wakes up it is dark, definitely after dinner. He calls out for Madam Pomfrey.
“I didn’t want to wake you.”
“I’ve missed dinner.”
“How horrible for a student who has never before snuck into the kitchens,” she says, with enough sarcasm in her voice to choke somebody.
“I am offended, Madam Pomfrey. I am the definition of a good student.”
Pomfrey purses her lips. Sirius likes Pomfrey; she is the perfect candidate for a school nurse. She is knowledgeable enough to be able to treat the stupid shit Hogwarts students get up to, even when they cannot or will not tell her what really happened. But she never tells; she doesn’t seem to really care much, really.
“What you do after you leave my infirmary is beyond my control, Mr. Black. You are free to go. Straight to your dormitory, mind you!”
Sirius salutes her and walks out.
He probably should eat, he thinks, but he’s truly not hungry. He doesn’t much want to go to the dormitory; he’s not in the mood for the noise and the people and whatever it is James is doing now. Knowing him, he probably has a few bottles of firewhiskey to celebrate Sirius’ daring deed.
What he really wants, if he’s being honest, is to talk to Remus. He doesn’t know what the hell is happening; all he knows is that when he woke up in the hospital wing, and the first thing he saw was Remus fretting over him, he was filled with a warm, happy feeling he’s not sure he’s ever felt before. He doesn’t know where Remus would be, though. If he’s in the dormitory, or the common room, Sirius won’t get to talk to him alone. Maybe the library…
Setting off for the library, Sirius tries to figure out what, exactly, he plans on saying to Remus when he sees him. He has literally no idea. He wracks his brain all the way to the library, making his way to the back table that Remus always sits at. When he gets there, he finds James, and Peter, but no Remus. He tries to hide the disappointment from his face.
“Here’s the man of the hour!” James whisper-shouts when he sees him. Sirius rolls his eyes.
“That game meant literally nothing, you know. You didn’t even need to put Peter in, you could have played with one less Beater.”
“It was Pete’s time to shine.”
“You’re a weird captain, Prongs.” He makes a big show of flopping into the chair and then looking around at the table as if he was only just noticing it. “Where’s Moony?”
James gives him a look that says, very clearly, you are not fooling anyone. “Bed. He was tired. I guess fretting over you for no goddamn reason wore him out.”
“At least someone cares about me.”
“I was winning the game in your honour!”
“Why are you here, then?”
“McGonagall told me if I fail one more essay she’s going to be forced to do something drastic,” Peter says, rather sullenly. Sirius grabs the parchment from in front of him and reads it over.
“You know how to do everything, Wormtail, it’s a real shame that you were never taught how to read or write.”
Peter snatches the parchment back. “Fuck off, Padfoot.”
“Don’t worry, Pete, we’ll help. McGonagall knows you can do all the magic.” Peter sighs and stares at the parchment in utter disdain.
“I’m gonna go up, too. I’m still pretty worn out.”
“Yeah, you know what, fuck this essay. I’m not getting anything else done tonight.” Peter stuffs the parchment in his bag and gets up. Sirius, heart sinking, stands to join him. There goes that chance. James catches his eye and mouths sorry. Sirius, blushing, pretends he doesn’t see.
Remus is sleeping when they get to the dorms. Sirius casts a look at the closed curtains and climbs into bed, remembering the relief that had spread across Remus’ face when he woke up.
He doesn’t get a chance to be alone with Remus for a few days. Remus hasn’t been completely comfortable with him since that day in the hospital wing, and even though Sirius tries hard to catch his eye, Remus tries not to look at him.
Walking down to lunch, one day, James and Peter are slightly ahead of them. He and Remus aren’t speaking, and Remus has been looking at the ground the entire time. Seeing a tapestry that Sirius knows hides a tunnel behind it, he grabs Remus’ arm and, checking to make sure James and Peter aren’t looking, drags him behind it.
“What’re you –”
“Shh!”
Sirius listens, waiting for James and Peter to notice they’re gone. He hears them speaking, shortly.
“Where’d Pads and Moony go?”
“Don’t know,” he hears James say. Sirius knows for a fact that James knows about this passage; he likes to hide here and hex Snape during meals. Sirius feels a great surge of appreciation towards James at that moment. “Let’s just go to lunch. I’m starving.”
Remus has been looking at him the entire time. They are standing very close together; Sirius can feel Remus’ breath on his neck.
“What are you doing?”
Sirius finally looks at him. The only light is the passage is the tiny bit that is filtering through the tapestry, but it’s enough that Sirius can see Remus’ wide eyes and the crinkle of his eyebrows that shows he’s confused.
“I want to know what’s going on.”
“Well, you appear to have dragged me behind a tapestry when we should be eating lunch.”
“Remus.”
Remus’ eyes flicker to ground. “What’s going on with what?”
“This. Us. I don’t – what is happening?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t – you have to know, Remus, you have to feel… this, there’s something going on and I know you feel something –”
“Sirius –”
Sirius, his hand shaking, reaches up, wanting to touch him somehow, but he drops his hand, too afraid to even try.
“Never mind… this was… sorry.” He turns to go, feeling more than foolish. This was idiotic, foolish and presumptuous, and he’s probably royally fucked up their friendship forever, now. He’s ruined everything. James and Peter will have to choose between them, have to figure out how to be friends with them both, because he will never be able to look Remus in the eye again.
Remus grabs his arm. “Sirius, wait. Don’t go.”
Heart beating in his throat, Sirius turns back. He takes a breath. You’re a Gryffindor, he thinks.
“I want to kiss you,” he says, very quietly. If Remus leaves, now, and never talks to him again, there is nothing he can do; but he has to tell him. Sirius can’t hold this in anymore.
“Then kiss me,” Remus says, very, very quietly, so quietly Sirius would think he had imagined it if he wasn’t close enough to Remus to see the scars that had faded across his face.
“I don’t know how.” His voice breaks. A small smile spreads across Remus’ face.
“Sirius Black doesn’t know how to kiss?”
He steps closer. Remus is starting to grow taller than him, a fact he is not entirely happy about, but with the way Remus slouches they are basically even.
“Fuck off,” he whispers. “I don’t know how to kiss you.”
“Presumably the way you’d kiss anyone else.”
“Do you enjoy being such a sarcastic prick?”
Remus grins, a real grin. “Very much so. I can give you kissing lessons, if you’d like. We can go to the library and take out a book.”
Sirius pushes against him, arms on either side of Remus. Their noses are almost touching. “Do you have any tips, Moony?”
“If you don’t kiss me very soon I will morph into a huge giant wolf and bite you.”
Sirius laughs. “If I kiss you now, will you still bite me?”
“You’re a fucking pervert, Sirius Black –”
He kisses him, then, pushing him against the wall. Remus’ hand entangles in his hair. He tastes like chocolate, which doesn’t surprise Sirius in the least. Sirius’ hands travel up, cupping Remus’ neck. They are messy, and sloppy, and far too fast. There is no revelling in the other, no gentle exploration of the other’s body, just a hasty, obsessive need to make up for all the time they’ve spent not doing this. Sirius pushes his hips against Remus and he lets out a small moan that reverberates through Sirius’ entire body.
“Moony –”
“Shut up, Sirius, Jesus Christ shut the fuck up –”
“I’m sorry.”
When he pulls back Remus looks very, very annoyed. “For what?”
“I don’t know, I just… it feels like I should be apologizing for something, it kind of just feels right.”
Remus glares. Sirius runs his thumb over Remus’ lower lip.
“James and Peter are probably wondering where we are,” Remus says.
“I truly do not care,” Sirius says, kissing him again.
“Lunch is almost over. We have class soon.”
“Again,” he says, kissing him between words. “I do not care.”
Remus laughs, throwing his head back against the wall. Sirius presses his lips to Remus’ jaw. “I was just checking.”
“Am I destroying your reputation as a prefect, Moony?”
“You destroyed that ages ago, Pads.”
He is trying to figure out if he will ever be able to stop kissing Remus, or if they will be trapped here behind this tapestry forever, snogging against the wall because neither of them wants to stop. He wouldn’t mind, he thinks. He could die against this wall with Remus attached to his lips and he would die happy. But he doesn’t get the chance.
“Oi, you two, I’m not opening this tapestry because truthfully the sight of you two sucking face is something I will not ever need to see, but we have potions and I will not cover for you because you finally decided to suck it up and snog. You are a prefect, Remus Lupin. Shame on you.”
“Go away, James,” Remus says. Sirius smiles.
“Me and James will leave if you want to snog in the room, later, but Slughorn will throw a shit fit if you skip again, Padfoot.”
“Wormtail! I will not leave the dormitory so they can use it for their pervy purposes, fuck that.”
“I’m just trying to get them to come out –”
“I’m pretty sure this is them coming out.”
Sirius smirks.
“We should probably go,” Remus mutters. Sirius is still leaning against him, pushing him against the wall, and Remus is holding onto the front of Sirius’ shirt.
“You’ve always sucked at potions, Moony.”
“Which is probably why I should go.”
“You are such a spoil sport.”
Remus kisses him deeply. “I promise we can continue this later.”
“What if you blow up another cauldron and burn your lips off?”
“Then I expect you to be appropriately distraught and care more about my poor injured self than about the lack of kissing.”
“Clearly you haven’t kissed yourself before.”
“Well, you know, I tried, but the mirror just didn’t respond the way I wanted it to.”
“This is DISGUSTING I hope you two choke on your spit and die tragically on the ground behind this tapestry and I will not miss either of you.”
“Do you want me to kiss you, too, Prongsie?”
“You know I’ve always been bitter that you didn’t get all hot and bothered over me.”
“I’m hot and bothered now, if you’d like to join.”
Remus gently pushes him away. “C’mon,” he whispers. “We can continue this later.”
“Can we make out in James’ bed?” He asks, just loud enough for James to hear. James lets out a strangled sound and Remus laughs into Sirius’ mouth, a wonderful, beautiful sound that Sirius wants to hear every day for the rest of his life.
“Okay.”
“NO.”
Sirius grins through the entire potion lesson.