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bangkok didn't seem as unfamiliar as it is now. the smoke from the sidewalk stalls enveloped wave's sight as he trudged along the parade of marinated pork sticks and sticky mangoes.
he'd been gone for a long time.
back in california, he had burgers and steaks and processed goodness for most of his days living there that he forgot how the intense sting of homemade thai delicacies tingled his cravings.
the block was busy and noisy, but it couldn't block out the loud thumping of wave's heart. it's because of the unfamiliar, he tells himself. over and over, he whispers the same words to himself.
he knows it wasn't because of the unfamiliar.
but because all the years' worth of repressed emotions had come rushing into him like how the termites flock in awe of the night lamp enveloping the street.
when he arrived at the café just by the end of the street, wave saw a woman waving. he checked to see if someone was behind him, but it seems the greeting was for him.
the woman with the long, straight hair was wearing an oversized hoodie. wave was at a distance so his squints couldn't help identify who she was. by the way, who wears thick apparel like that in thailand weather?
mon?
he walked towards the woman's direction and lo and behold, it was indeed patchamon, the great ass kicker from high school. they paused and looked at each other for a while, taking in a long lost acquaintance, maybe even friend, in the flesh.
"it really is you, wave."
it made him wonder. mon changed so much. her hair that used to be tied up all the time was now down and in all the right places. she wore a bit of makeup too. he couldn't feel his surroundings changing because he was so far away from the people he'd been with. has he changed so much too?
"mon. you look great."
she couldn't help but smile at the compliment.
"you do small talk now?" mon said with a chuckle.
wave didn't know how to respond. what do you tell a friend you've cut off and haven't seen for six years?
-
mon invited him inside the café to do some catching up. wave wasn't the best guy ever, but he was a good friend for some time and they did somehow partake in a revolution. he felt like he owed it to mon to at least say yes to a cup of coffee with her when he chose to vanish from their lives just like that. he owed it to every one of them.
"what brings you back?" mon initiated the conversation.
"i'm here on a business trip."
wave couldn't fixate his attention neither on mon nor the hot cup of coffee in front of him. he hadn't taken a sip but his heart was palpitating and his hands were shaking.
Mon paused for a moment, as if hesitating to ask the question on the tip of her tongue. she does it anyway.
"why did you cut us off?"
and there it was. the question that brought all the guilt back to his soul. out in the open.
wave takes a deep breath for a second, failing to meet mon's gaze.
"i'm sorry."
that was certainly not what he wanted to say, but it came out so smoothly, it was like a reflex.
"im asking for a reason, wave. not an apology. we tried contacting you for some time now, but even your grandparents don't know how to reach you."
there was a sting in her voice.
"you tried reaching out to me? why?"
"i asked first, wave."
wave sighs.
"alright. i cut everyone off because i wanted him to be a complete stranger to me, and i was scared that if i kept in contact with all of you, i'd have to keep in contact with him, too."
he knew it was a petty reason, but if it meant not confronting the pain, he would do it over and over again. he made sure that he never heard his name again after that day at the airport.
-
"pang, where are you? it's almost time."
wave looks at his watch again for what seemed like the hundredth time in a minute. it was almost time for his flight to california, but pang was nowhere in sight.
there was a deafening pause on the other end. wave was getting frustrated.
"this isn't going to work, wave."
wave felt his heart sink.
"what is? what won't work?"
"you know exactly what i'm talking about."
wave did.
for someone as young as wave, it was an understatement to say he went through a lot. his parents died, he fought the headmaster, and who knows what else. but, out of everything, nothing scared him as much as this moment.
"say it."
his heart was beating too fast. pang always made his heart beat fast. this was the first of its kind.
"let's- let's break up."
he wanted to scream and go berserk and tell everyone in the airport to stop and acknowledge his pain. but he stood still, not a single tear out of his eyes.
"don't come see me off. i hope i never see you again."
that pang was not the man he lived with for four years. the pang he knew would never say those words. but then, he did. and he was no longer the pang he spent most of his days with. he was pang, who was coward and weak.
he couldn't help himself ask why pang was so willing to throw those years away just because of such a trivial thing as distance. they had talked about it, wave couldn't pass on the job offer in california and pang was so supportive of it, reassuring him that it was okay, and that nothing would change.
wave hated pang.
even more than when he first met him.
"This is the final boarding call for passengers of Flight 89B. Please proceed to Gate 3 immediately."
-
"him, you mean pang?"
wave looked up at the mention of his name. he hadn't heard it for years. he saw a heavy expression on mon's face.
he gave her a blank stare. "i'm sorry. i had to leave everything behind or i would have just lost myself."
mon almost didn't know what to say, but there was one thing she had to. she didn't know how, but wave had to know.
"i-it's fine. the reason i contacted you was because..."
she couldn't bring herself to say it, so she asked wave to get in her car and drove him to a place he would never have thought to visit in a business trip to bangkok.
"why did you bring me here?" wave asked, his heart thumping in his chest again. the kind when it knows something bad is going to happen.
they passed a few names imprinted in marble before arriving at one that isn't quite polished yet.
mon took wave's hand in hers and looked at him like she was doing the most difficult thing she ever had to do.
Pang Pawaret Sermrittirong
20 September 2545 - 1 December 2568
Your memory will live on forever.
wave's eyes ran over the words etched in stone until his mind could comprehend what was in front of him. for a moment, the world went blank and all he could see was pang's grave until all of the guilt, regret, and anger he felt enveloped into a bulge in his throat.
"we tried to call you, wave. i'm sorry."
wave couldn't hear anything but his heartbeat and the sobs he tried so hard to repress. he couldn't say nor do anything either.
wave hated pang.
for leaving him like this. for making him feel like he was the worst person in the world because he hated him. for only knowing now, when it was too late.
wave gathered all his might.
"what happened to him?"
the look on wave's face broke mon's heart into shambles. never in her life has she seen such grim and regretful expression on someone before.
"he... it was a road accident. he was driving his motorcycle late at night and it was rainy and dark and this truck didn't see him so..."
wave hated pang.
for driving his motorcycle on a late, rainy night.
he thought that day at the airport was the peak of the pain he's ever experienced. even then, it would have been a 10. but now, looking at his lover in stone, that was nothing compared to this. nothing could ever compare to this.
wave couldn't help it anymore. the years' worth of emotions have betrayed him in the form of tears. mon enveloped him in a hug, failing to keep her tears from falling too.
"let's get you home first, wave. you need to rest."
-
the sun was blinding. there it goes, wave thought. beaming in its full glory.
he hated it so much.
he hated having to go through another day.
wave's body was heavy, he could barely drag it out of his bed. he had to, though. he needed to get out of that hotel room.
he let his feet take him where it needs to be until he reached the rooftop that housed the very things he cherished so dearly.
bangkok has changed so much, but here, everything was how he remembered it. not one single piece of wood out of place. the chipped paint of the railings were as it is.
even the crates that held him up when he felt the world was crumbling down against him.
as he sat down, the scenes played in his head like a film reel. him and pang, basking in innocence and in each other's presence. only worrying about tomorrow, or what to eat for lunch.
everything in the rooftop was how he remembered it. except pang wasn't with him anymore.
as his gaze traveled to where pang used to sit beside him, he saw a piece of paper with a small velvet box holding it in place. in an instant, he picked it up and unfolded the note to reveal a painfully familiar handwriting.
'wave, i know that we're only in college. you're probably doing a math problem or something right now, but i am here, clutching this thing in my hand and picturing my life with you. i know in a few years, we would have jobs of our own, and we'd have grown up by then. but this is something that i write with my whole heart and soul. you are the only person i will love in this lifetime. that will never change. i hope i am that person for you, too.'
wave's sight was getting blurry and the ink was getting blotchy. with his shaking hands, he opened the box that held two silver rings, the afternoon light hitting it in all the right places.
the sky was of warm hues, enveloped in shades of orange and yellow, all dressed up for the sun's farewell.
"you're the only one i've ever loved, pang. you're the only one I ever will, until my last breath."