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Mark hunched over in misery as the door closed firmly behind Kareen. She didn’t even slam it, and she probably should have. She just got up, gathered her things, and deliberately left him. Left his apartment. Gone.
It was all his own fault anyway. She’d told him he was cruising close to the line, and he’d crossed it. Unable, or unwilling, to stop himself? The ugly words, surly and aggressive tone of voice. He shouldn’t have let her see him in this mood. At least the words were not directed at her, never at her, just at himself. But she had told him she couldn’t stand to hear him talk to himself this way. He should have stayed away from her this afternoon so he wouldn’t ruin her day.
If you never let anyone in close to you, then you won’t hurt them. And they can’t hurt you. murmured Howl. Much better, to be alone. It’s only going to happen sooner or later. Kareen would have seen what a bloated idiot you are, and left, regardless. It’s a mistake to think you love someone, to imagine that you can love anyway. You’re barely human, love isn’t for you. She’s better off without you.
Howl’s voice muted as Gorge took over. Mark moved automatically towards the kitchen, and started pulling things from the cupboards, from the fridge. He sat down and began eating. He ate everything on the table, and went back for more. This, at least, was familiar.
When he went back the third time, he checked the fridge and frowned. Mark was sure there had been more food in here … he checked the cupboard, and some supplies he’d purchased were definitely gone. What the hell. He hadn’t gone on any other recent eating rampages.
Oh - Kareen. When he thought she was clearing out her belongings, she was probably taking out the food that she judged most harmful to him, and that she could carry.
Tears came to his eyes, then. What kind of woman, what kind of friend, would think of that? Who - when he was being so repulsive - would think to do that for him? She does love you, murmured a faraway voice inside. Then Howl spoke, much louder. Well, she did. How could she now?
Gorge was still clamouring for more food, but Mark turned back to the living room and sat, despairing. His stomach was distended and painful, his whole body hurt. His heart hurt. Why did he do this to himself? Because you’re a failure, you don’t deserve anything better anyway, whispered Howl. Why are you working so hard to change, when you can’t? This is where you should be. We know how to do this, this is easy. Just leave it to me, you can’t change anyway.
Unbidden, a conversation with his mother came into his memory.
“Watch to see what harmful habits come up for you, Mark. Not judging them, just noticing them – being curious. When do you make those choices? Why do you think you choose those actions or thoughts? I’ve found that our sins, our bad habits, tend to come from a place of brokenness. A place that needs tenderness and healing. Not a place to heap more anger upon ourselves. Try offering that tenderness and healing to the you that is hurting in that place.”
Mark reasserted himself. Tentatively. Well, all right. This was a pattern, a bad habit. Maybe he could figure it out. He was smart, he’d accomplished a lot of things. Some impossible things, even. Besides, Miles was his brother, his progenitor, and Miles was a fucking genius. Mark couldn’t be that much of a loss.
Oh yeah? Howl spoke up again before Mark could wrestle him back down. Then how did you fail that assignment so spectacularly? I bet everyone laughed when you snarled at the professor. They all know you’re a stupid ass now.
“Stop!” Mark said aloud. “I misunderstood the instructions, okay? It’s not a big deal, it’s not life and death.”
He buried his head in his hands. Those last words were Kareen’s. “You don’t have to be perfect, Mark. You’re making so much progress – focus on that. You’ve come such a long, long way from where you were. Can’t you be good to yourself, can’t you recognize all the good you have inside? A mistake is not a big deal, it’s not life and death … well, here, anyway.”
Howl came out again. Yeah, well your stupid “little” mistakes sometimes bloody are life and death. You caused Miles’ death, and he could have been gone forever. For fucking ever.
Mark fought back, again out loud. “That’s true. But don’t you damn well forget how I’m the one that fought for him, that found him, even when Illyan and bloody untouchable ImpSec couldn’t. I’m the one who survived, and killed that fucking bastard Ryoval, rescued the clones, got the Duronas out, and made a shit ton of profit. That was ME.” He paused a moment, and added, “And you. And Grunt, and Gorge, and Killer. We needed each other, we all worked together. You’re a part of me, Howl, I will take care of you. When I’m … happy …. it doesn’t mean you don’t exist.”
There were uncertain rumblings from the Black Gang. Mark couldn’t really say if he was, overall, happy. He had moments, flashes of happiness. Possibly even joy, feeling integrated and purposeful and light. These moments had been getting longer. Mostly he managed by staying in his head. Every now and then there was a lapse. That’s what this was, a lapse.
A lapse where he might just have lost Kareen. A chasm of terror opened before him, and his stomach heaved with queasiness. He fought it grimly.
And where did this lapse come from, anyway? When had Howl taken over from himself, from Mark? He went through his day methodically, striving for detachment. When he woke up this morning, he was fine. Moments of happiness, even, knowing that Kareen was coming over in the afternoon. All was well until – until he got back that damned assignment. But why would that unbalance him? It made no sense, it was one bloody unimportant assignment. He’d been through much worse in his life.
Because you didn’t live up to your own standards. Mark’s own interior voice, this time. Huh. Because you were less than. You weren’t perfect.
His comconsole gave a cheerful chime. Mark eyed it warily. He didn’t really feel like talking to anyone right now. But maybe – could it be – it might be Kareen. He forced himself up and staggered over to his desk. It was Kareen.
He palmed the controls before considering his appearance, standing bent over to look at the vid plate.
“Mark, how are you …. Oh, God, you look awful.”
He saw the anxious look on her face, her face that should always be sunny and untroubled.
“I’m sorry, Kareen, I’m so sorry. I should never have … I don’t know why ….”
“Mark – listen,” she interrupted. “I had to go, I told you I couldn’t handle listening to any more of you humiliating yourself … I couldn’t take it, I told you so, you kept going and that’s why I left. But I … I didn’t want you thinking I left because I didn’t care about you anymore. Because I do.”
“Uh …” Mark forced out. “Can I call you back in a minute …” he cut the com and took some deep breaths. Like his therapist had taught him. He went to the bathroom and ran a cloth under hot water, then cold water, to clean his face. He combed his hair, and changed into clothes that weren’t stained by overeating. God, his stomach hurt. Maybe a slug of antacid. There.
Kareen answered as soon as he called her. “Thank you, Kareen,” he said before she could speak. “I mean, really … thank you.” He smiled slightly. “Even for clearing out some of my cupboard.”
The anxious look lightened. “I took the candy that makes you feel ill if you have too much,” she said hesitantly. “And those really heavy pastries, you know, the ones that have vat-beef in them.”
He took a deep breath.
“I was an ass, and I’m sorry. You did absolutely the right thing, to walk out. I’m, I’m thankful you did, to protect yourself from that – that part of me.”
When would he tell her about Howl, and Gorge and … well, would he ever tell her about Grunt, and Killer? The therapist had said they could discuss the possibility of Kareen joining him for some of his therapy sessions. Kareen had asked if it might be a good idea. Mark still wasn’t sure.
Kareen took a deep breath.
“I know – I know you have a lot to manage, Mark,” she said softly. “I do want to be there for you. Did that load of - self-loathing – came up today because of the assignment you messed up? Or do you feel like that always?”
He blew out his breath in a sigh. “The stupid fucking assignment where I had a colossal misunderstanding, yeah. I don’t always feel that way, but it does happen. I guess when I’ve screwed up, when I haven’t been perfect or it seems like people are watching, laughing at me … sometimes even when I have moments of happiness, those kinds of thoughts come up.” His mouth twisted. “I wasn’t kidding when I told you – I am a mess. It hurts but it feels … familiar, when I tell myself those things.” He paused, thinking. “It’s like, feeling good is unsafe, unknown. Makes me jittery, a bit. Not so much when you’re with me, but ….”
He was trying to be as honest as he could be. “Back with Ser Galen – if I wasn’t perfect, he would, he would react. With words, and in other ways. I learned that I had to be perfect, fucking always absolutely perfect. I – I needed his approval, Kareen. It still feels like I have to be perfect.”
“You know that’s not true, Mark,” Kareen spoke firmly.
“Yes, I know. I know it, intellectually. But it’s like … if I am not perfect in every way, every goddamn way, that pit always opens up before me. I don’t really know how to fight it, yet.”
Her face lit with a smile. His eyes searched her face, looking for a clue. “What did I say?”
“Yet,” she repeated, and blew him a kiss. “That means, you will get there. You’re just not there yet.”
“Hmmmm.” He said neutrally. He checked his chrono, and regretfully decided that there wouldn’t be enough time to meet Kareen in person again tonight. She had work to do, and was trying hard to get to sleep at a reasonable hour when she had classes the next day.
“Mark,” she called his attention back. “I want you to remember – I know you know this already, but - you don’t have to be perfect. You are loved for who you are. Just being you is enough. I know for sure that’s true for the Count, the Countess, Miles, and me. And others accept and respect you, even with your mistakes and shortcomings … think of Illyan, Alys, Ivan …. even Gregor.”
Well, maybe it wasn’t a long list. But it was a start.
“I wish –“ she started and stopped. She wiped some tears from her eyes, cupped her chin and stared at him.
“What is it, Kareen?” he asked. If he could give it to her, he would. He wanted to give her anything he could, whatever she needed that he could provide, he would do it.
“I wish I could put your name on that list, Mark. Please, work to love and respect yourself, even when you’re not perfect … maybe especially then. ”
“I’ll … I’ll do my very best,” he said in a low voice. “It’s not easy.” He paused. “I’m not ready to give my word as Vorkosigan on that yet, but … I will think about it.” Deep breath.
“Is that … is that enough for you, Kareen?”
“It’s enough for now.” She blew him another kiss. “I have to go, Mark.”
“I know. I’m glad you called.”
“So am I. Talk to you tomorrow?”
He nodded, and cut the comm.
“I love you,” he said to the room that felt suddenly empty. The black gang stirred, but stayed quiet.