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Hajime was okay with the distance thing, he really was, even though it was an alien feeling to not have Oikawa by his side for the majority of his days. But at least he was sure Oikawa was enjoying himself in his student exchange program, and that mattered more than Hajime’s selfish need to have Oikawa close.
But, well.
He still missed feeling Oikawa’s hand in his ad hearing that sometimes aggravating tone of voice when Oikawa would mumble something either incredibly stupid or heartwarming into Hajime’s ear. Even if the things Oikawa said didn’t always make sense.
At least they could still talk on Skype occasionally, during either one’s evenings or mornings.
Skype was, coincidentally, the trigger that began the stupidest thing that had ever happened in Hajime’s life. And that was saying a lot.
Hajime had never bothered with giving Tooru’s contact a name, mostly because he kind of enjoyed the ones Tooru kept changing between. Iwa-chan’s perfect hubby had been one of the more irritating cases, and setter sets, setter scores almost normal considering Tooru’s personality.
But this one… this one he couldn’t explain, not even with the knowledge he had about Tooru and his thought processes.
Hajime saw the pop-up informing him that fungus is online and he just… paused as it faded from screen. “What the fuck,” he whispered out loud, wondering if Hanamaki or Matsukawa had come up with another shitty inside joke he would never comprehend.
You know what, I don’t want to know, Hajime decided as he went to look up Tooru’s contact from his Most Recent conversations, only to stop again when he saw Tooru’s profile picture next to the ominous word fungus.
“What the fuck?”
Hajime didn’t talk to himself out loud, but this was one of the rare exceptions when the words just bubbled out of his mouth, which hung open like that of a fish’s.
fungus: Iwa-chan!!!!
Iwaizumi Hajime: oikawa what the fuck is with your display name right now
fungus: how rude, u didn’t even say hi to ur boyfriend
Iwaizumi Hajime: I refuse to believe I’m dating a fungus
That was the most bizarre thing Hajime’s fingers had ever typed, probably, and Hajime glanced down at them in disbelief that he had to write something like that.
Then again, this wasn’t the most bizarre thing Tooru had ever done.
fungus: I’m hurt!!!!! us fungal beings have feelings too, Iwa-chan, and you trampled on mine
Iwaizumi Hajime: I’m not. dating a fucking fungus.
fungus: you upgraded to mushrooms?
Hajime couldn’t stop wheezing at that, and it took a while for him and his heart to calm down. Jesus fucking Christ, is this some elaborate plan to kill me. Death by fungus, go figure.
Iwaizumi Hajime: just stop this and tell me what’s up with the sudden fungus hysteria
fungus: my status says enough ;))))
Hajime reluctantly lifted his gaze to the upper part of his laptop’s screen and took a look at Tooru’s status.
Iwaizumi Hajime: “fungus is love, fungus is life”? how does THAT EXPLAIN ANYTHING, OIKAWA
The most frustrating thing was that seeing the words fungus is typing followed by three periods made him laugh really fucking hard until he was left to wheeze and choke on his own spit. What the fuck, what the fuck what the actual fungus.
fungus: it says enough, Iwa-chan! now don’t be a grump and embrace this newfound fungal aspect of your life
Iwaizumi Hajime: If I were there, I would smack a volleyball straight at your face, honest to fucking god
fungus: nothing you can do will ever beat the fungus out of me, Iwa-chan. :P
Iwaizumi Hajime: goodbye
fungus: IWA-CHAN WAIT
From there, their conversation eventually shifted to their usual banter, the fungus issues momentarily forgotten. Later that night when Hajime had lain down to rest, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, though. Where the fuck did fungus come from? What the fuck did he need to do to make it go away? Was this some elaborate plan coined by Tooru, Matsukawa and Hanamaki? Hajime couldn’t unsee the words fungus is typing, either. When he was close to actually falling asleep, the words came back to haunt him. Fungus is love, fungus is life, he could almost hear Tooru saying in a singsong tone, and Hajime groaned as he shoved a pillow over his own face.
Tooru hadn’t changed his display name when they next talked, but his status was different. Instead of the Shrek reference (was it even a Shrek reference, Hajime was unsure), Tooru’s profile now proudly claimed THE WORLD IS MY FUNGUS.
Iwaizumi Hajime almost died from the surprised choking wheeze that escaped his lips -- his roommate had even come to check up on him.
“I don’t understand anything, Akaashi,” Hajime managed to get out past his lips, making a vague gesture at his laptop. “Why is it fungus.”
“Ah,” Akaashi made a sympathetic sound. “Maybe he’s been talking to Bokuto-san again.”
“Does he crack annoying fungus jokes, too?”
“Not yet,” Akaashi sighed. “I know to be prepared for that, now.”
Hajime grinned just the slightest bit. “Why are our boyfriends so dumb.”
“Wish I knew, Iwaizumi-san,” Akaashi smiled a little before leaving Hajime alone with his laptop again. Laptop, and Tooru’s stupid ass fungus obsession.
fungus: Iwa-chan??? Iwa-chan, you there, you anti-fungumentalist
Iwaizumi Hajime: i don’t think that’s a word, oikawa
fungus: it totally is now
Iwaizumi Hajime: it doesn’t even work as an insult
fungus: Iwa-chan, u haven’t upgraded ur insults from “dumbass” in all the years I’ve known you. i don’t think u should comment on other people’s insults.
Iwaizumi Hajime: you wanna fucking go?
Another one of the “___is online” boxes popped up from the corner, and Hajime lazily glanced at it while waiting for Tooru’s dumbass response.
It was a mistake.
fall out fungus is online.
Another one followed right after: fungus inquisition is online.
Hajime felt something inside himself die as he then went through his contact list to find out who the dumbasses with fungus names were.
He wasn’t surprised in the least when fungus inquisition turned out to be Hanamaki and fall out fungus Matsukawa.
Iwaizumi Hajime: what the fuck
fungus inquisition: always a pleasure, iwaizumi
Iwaizumi Hajime: what’s up with you guys and fungus
Iwaizumi Hajime: I thought this before when Oikawa first changed his name into the abomination that it is, but are you guys doing drugs
fungus inquisition: don’t diss the fungus, man
Hajime might need to stage an intervention at this rate. Hanamaki and Matsukawa were easy enough, since they were in Japan, but Tooru was in fucking France.
Hajime buried his face into his hands, wondering what had gone wrong.
fungus inquisition: ok but for real, iwaizumi, live a little and embrace the joke that is our fungustic lives
Iwaizumi Hajime: jesus christ go to rehab
Of course, it was no use talking to Hanamaki, and he still had no idea where the fuck the joke (he hoped it was just that) came from. Tooru hadn’t told him yet, and Hajime was just so very done with his boyfriend and two best friends.
He was afraid of even asking Matsukawa what the hell was going on, but…
Iwaizumi Hajime: what’s up with the fungus thing
fall out fungus: fungus is love, fungus is life
Iwaizumi Hajime: stop, JUST STOP right there
fall out fungus: blaze it
Iwaizumi Hajime: stop right there
fall out fungus: nah
Iwaizumi Hajime: I’m blocking you
fall out fungus: I thought you were a spiker, Iwaizumi
Iwaizumi Hajime: we’re not going there, matsukawa
Hajime sighed and was just about to switch back to his conversation with Oikawa, when…
Iwaizumi Hajime: did you change your fucking screenname again, hanamaki
fungus apologist: yes
Iwaizumi Hajime: i don’t understand you
fungus apologist: it’d be easier if you just gave in to the fungus life
Iwaizumi Hajime: i don’t want to
Iwaizumi Hajime: you’re all so…. fuck if I know
fungus apologist: fungalicious? ;))
fungus apologist: talk fungus to me, iwaizumi hajime
Hajime clicked back to his conversation with Tooru.
The words fungus is typing stared back at him. Hajime stared at his screen, a thought mortal enemy brewing in the back of his head.
Then Tooru did the unthinkable.
He sent Hajime the lyrics to Fergie’s “Fergalicious”, except that now it was titled “Fungalicious”.
Iwaizumi Hajime: what the hell have you been drinking over there
fungus: you’re being rude again, iwa-chaN
fungus: can’t I just show off my great translating skills :O
Iwaizumi Hajime: honestly, are you, hanamaki, and matsukawa in some sort of cult? I’m starting to get worried about you guys
fungus: yes
fungus: the cult of fungumentalists
Iwaizumi Hajime: why did I even ask
Hajime didn’t even know how his life had reached this point so quickly. He was sure he would never look at fungus the same way again (unhidden disgust, now laced with the urge to either rip his hair off or throw the fucking fungi at Tooru’s pretty face).
The worst part was that Tooru had added him into a Skype group named The Fungumentalists. Or maybe the worst part was that Hajime couldn’t find it in himself to leave the group filled with godawful fungus puns (fungalicious wasn’t even the worst one) and awful homemade music videos (courtesy of Hanamaki and Matsukawa). He was, maybe, having a lot of fun himself, even though he was sure his vitality was suffering a great blow from the ugly wheezing laughter that rumbled up his throat.
Hajime was so fucked.
Iwaizumi Hajime: ok so who added the “+1 unbeliever” to the group name
fungus apologist: not me
fall out fungus: nope
fungus: not me, iwa-chan
Iwaizumi Hajime: so it was you, oikawa
fungus: i just said I didn’t!!!!
Iwaizumi Hajime: i know when you lie, oikawa, I CAN SMELL YOU SWEATING ALL THE WAY FROM FRANCE
fall out fungus: and yet he calls us druggies
fungus apologist: he’s been hooked on oikawa for years, mattsun
fall out fungus: sickening
fungus: IWA-CHAN not in front of mattsun and makki!
Hajime rolled his eyes, sighing exasperatedly as he continued eating his chips aggressively, repeating the same words inwardly every time: I'm going to take this potato chip and... EAT IT...
This had been going on for some days now, and honestly when would this hell end. Fungus hell. Yeah. That was Hajime’s life -- he was stuck in an eerie limbo full of fungus jokes that made him either groan or laugh hysterically.
Stupidity was denser in groups, that was Hajime’s excuse.
fungus: anyway, it’s time for iwa-chan’s initiation
fall out fungus: do it for the fungi, iwaizumi
fungus apologist: join us in our quest
fungus apologist: to banish anti-fungumentalists
Iwaizumi Hajime: no
fungus: iwa-chan, it’s time for you to change your skype name
fungus: to something more fungus-fitting
fall out fungus: live a little and change your skype name, iwaizumi
fungus apologist: it’s time
Iwaizumi Hajime: i feel like i’m going to regret this
fungus: it’s not a no, oh my god!!! IWA-HAN YOU CAN DO IT
fungus apologist: oh my god i think im crying
fall out fungus: I’m so happy this day has come
Hajime sighed as he ignored the group and went to his own profile, his mind already made up. There was a reason he was friends with these losers (and boyfriends with one). A very good reason too.
(It’s because they’re fucking amazing in all the wrong and right ways.)
Hajime typed the name, hesitating only for a second before saving it.
fungus hell: can you NOW change the group name back to normal
fungus apologist: one of us one of us one of us
fall out fungus: remember that time we linked iwaizumi the Lion King song? good times
fungus hell: i’m out
fungus: we love you, iwa-chan!
fall out fungus: the mother fungus has spoken