Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Melancholy is a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause. Both Asahi and Jaehyuk had been experiencing it ever since their bond was falling apart.

Longing is a feeling of yearning desire which had encased Mashiho's heart swiftly as he unravelled that Junkyu had been trying to conceal some secrets from him simply by avoiding him, while Junkyu's heart was enveloped with the same feeling but the reason being different.

Nostalgia is a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past. Jihoon hoped that he would be the only among Hyunsuk and him who was feeling nostalgic about their relationship, so that Hyunsuk would not have to feel the pain of love, but little did he know that his beloved had been drowning himself in the same feeling for more than a year now.

Saudade.

Saudade is an intense feeling of melancholy, longing, or nostalgia—all of which that lovers feel.

As the saying goes, the course of true love never did run smooth.

***

Eleven years old Asahi and Jaehyuk had built up a friendship in their middle school days thanks to their mutual friend Mashiho. It didn't take them much long to become best friends who knew each and everything about each other.

At the age of sixteen, Asahi and Jaehyuk had built up a relationship in their high school and their bond was strong all along. They were too young so they thought that it was just a puppy love, yet there was never a misunderstanding between them.

Around the age of nineteen, things went downhill since they chose individual departments of different universities. They didn't have enough time to spend with each other and yet they figured things out on their own and stayed together through their highs and lows. 

Twenty four years old Jaehyuk and Asahi tied the knot after years of of facing their ups and downs with each other. By this point, both of them were so sure that they were meant for each other and that they would last for eternity.

It was another year later that Yoon-Hamada couple finally decided to adopt a kid and ended up adopting two instead—the four years old non-identical twins named Jeongwoo and Haruto. They grew closer as a family and it seemed to the married couple that it was perhaps their 'happily ever after'.

A year passed. It's possible to go declivitous even if it is at its peak moment of success at the present. Perhaps that's how Asahi and Jaehyuk started feeling like love was possible to fade and that they were drifting away from each other.

With the end of another year, they decided to file a divorce and they hoped the consent would be given soon so that they could separate from each other happily. Just some months more and then at the end of the tunnel, they'd never have to see the other's face ever again.

Yoon Jaehyuk and Hamada Asahi would be back to their own tracks away, parallel to each other. Both of them hoped that their mutual separation would go smoothly. 

At least they hoped so.

***

The sky was moderately clear. The rays of the sun were reflecting on the clouds, bringing a beautiful shade of pink and orange upon the sky. It seemed as if the sky was smiling calmly, welcoming the moon that was peeking through some clouds as the sun set in the backdrop.

Even though it seemed to be a pleasant evening for everyone else—the people who were enjoying their snacks at the cafe did look happy—it was certainly not for Asahi. He sat quietly at a corner in the small cozy cafe in the residential area of Seodaemun while watching Haruto and Jeongwoo, the non-identical twins who were adopted by Jaehyuk and him about two years ago, having a mini quarrel for the last piece of vanilla pastry in their adorable overalls.

The cafe was drenched in pink and white wallpaper, green plants, wooden counters and tables with beige leather sofas around every table. A wall of the cafe was replaced with transparent glass, giving them the view of the outside world.

Asahi smiled at his two kids. He realised it's been a while since he smiled genuinely.

After all, lately, all that he kept feeling was betrayal and dejection, a bit of sorrow too perhaps. After the chaos that had taken place in the court, Asahi felt that his heart was a bit lighter than before. All the shouting that he let out, might had calmed him down. At the same time, he had felt his heart growing a bit heavier every time Jaehyuk's face would just flash on his mind. It wasn't like he never saw Jaehyuk raising his voice. It's just that he couldn't hold back the tug in his heart when he heard Jaehyuk speak. The same voice that he loved to hear every morning when he woke up became a voice that clutched his heart everytime he hears it now.

When did this start? He did not know. It's been months. It's been months since he had first realised the distance he's been feeling with Jaehyuk. He had realised how busy they both were with their own lives and the only thing that bound them together were Haruto and Jeongwoo. Asahi had realised how barely they talked, Asahi had realised how barely they hung out together, Asahi had realised how he was feeling like he was the only one who had ever been trying, ever been fighting for their already-faded-at-the-seams relationship.

The only times when they talked was probably when they discussed Haruto and Jeongwoo's requirements or which one of them would pick the siblings up from school. Other than that, they'd sometimes call each other to say they wouldn't be home and the other one wouldn't even ask for a reason. 

Sometimes they'd be sitting next to each other like strangers but the only difference is that Asahi would still feel comfortable next to him. The silence wouldn't pierce through him, no thoughts would pass across his mind. It's just him and Jaehyuk—the moment that he treasures and will always treasure. He did not realise how the silence slowly killed him inside. He thought he was happy. How did it end up like this? 

Two months ago, was it? That's when Asahi decided to have a proper conversation with Jaehyuk so that they could talk things out. He expected it to work out well but things didn't go as planned.

Asahi didn't remember how he started the conversation but he definitely remembered that it ended on a bad note. During that conversation, Jaehyuk made him realise how selfish he was being. Jaehyuk made him realise how narrow his point of view was and made him realise he's not good enough for him. In fact, they're not good for each other.

With every passing day, the connection between them was only growing weaker. Asahi hated it and loved it at the same time. Half of him wished for their connection to disappear forever but the other half of him wanted to hold onto Jaehyuk eternally. 

After that conversation, they didn't talk for some days. However, the next time when they finally had a small talk again, it ended up as a disagreement as well. This time, Jaehyuk perhaps wished for the conversation to go smoothly but it was the vice versa. That conversation was the last nudge to Asahi's heart. That conversation was the last thing that cut their red strings of fate. That conversation has been on Asahi's mind ever since it occured.

“Why can't you understand me?”

That's the exact sentence that broke him down. 

The only conversation that worked out between them after all this time is the last one that they had—about a mutual separation, or divorce.

“After all, our love has already faded away from our hearts many days ago. What's the point in holding on to the relationship?”

“Exactly. There is none.”

Now, Asahi would like to have a new start to his life once the divorce is officially done and over. Both of them had agreed on the divorce and were determined to separate.

Oh, only if the divorce could be done that easily. 

Once the divorce would be officially done and the case would be over, Asahi and Jaehyuk wished to move on. They might or might not find someone new but at least they can be happy in that way. Or so was what they hoped.

But oh, only if things would have been that easy. 

Either Jaehyuk or Asahi would get custody of the siblings that they had adopted. Fortunately (or maybe not), both of them desperately wanted to keep the kids.

Haruto and Jeongwoo were the last ever symbol of their dying love and both of them wanted to keep them. They don't want to remember each other but at the same time they want to get custody of the two boys.

Even though Asahi perceived that he hated Jaehyuk, he loved his two sons dearly, and he could not let them go. He wanted to stay with them, but no, not Jaehyuk.

For Jaehyuk, it was the same. Or so was what Asahi assumed for the moment.

They were still living together in their two-bedroom apartment they proudly bought just before their engagement but none of them talked. The only time they conversed was at the court. A conversation consisting only of yells and disagreements that Asahi did not like at all. 

At home, they were again two strangers living together.

Asahi preferred staying anywhere but that home. It didn't even feel like home. It felt suffocating, like a bird trapped in a cage.

“What is happiness, Jae?”

“For me, it's you.”

Asahi remembered. Asahi remembered but he did not want to. Jaehyuk jokingly replied to him many months ago. But deep inside, Asahi knew he was telling nothing but the truth. 

“Not anymore. I no longer give you happiness. All that I am ever giving you for the past weeks is pain.”Asahi thought, trying to hold back his tears. 

Asahi felt a hand gripping onto his right shoulder gently. He turned around to find out that it was his friend Park Jihoon in a buttoned up shirt and black pants, his bangs falling on his forehead making him look boyish. Next to him stood his five years old son Junghwan, staring blankly at Asahi while munching onto a chocolate bar, clad in denim overalls.

Jihoon had been his friend for as long as he could remember. He's an attorney so in a case like this, Asahi was being helped by him.

Asahi stood up almost immediately to greet him formally. He bowed slightly, rubbing away the tears at the edge of his eyes. “Hello, Attorney Park.”he greeted.

“I came here as Jihoon, not Attorney Park. Please have a seat.”Jihoon said and giggled. He took a seat and so did Asahi. Jihoon kept a cup of his (must be his new obsession, mango) smoothie on the table.

“Having a blast with these two precious darlings?” Jihoon asked vaguely, fond eyes on his son looking at the other two older kids.

Asahi looked at his kids too, eyes dripping with fondness. “Yes. They are endearing.”

Jeongwoo's face lit up when he received a chocolate bar from Jihoon but Haruto was a bit shy to receive it. Jihoon just ruffled his fluffy hair to which Haruto blushed. Junghwan sat next to the two boys while drooling on his chocolate bar and again staring at Asahi.

The people outside the cafe were rushing about their ways. Almost every other table at the cafe was full.

“So, Sahi-ah, are you sure about what you're doing?” Jihoon asked without any hesitation. 

“How could I take this huge decision without being sure?” Asahi replied as in yes. 

“Will this change things? Will you be happy that way? I just want to know if you are sure.” Jihoon asked in a low voice while trying to avoid eye contact.

“Yes. This will change everything for the better. Not just for both of us, but for them too.” Asahi replied blankly while looking at his two boys. His voice was so calm that it made Jihoon wonder if it was made out of steel and iron. 

“But that was mine!”Haruto nagged. 

“It's okay, I'll buy you a bigger chocolate some other day!”Jeongwoo said with an unclear tone while chewing the last piece of chocolate that was actually Haruto's.

“You always say that!”Haruto exclaimed.

“What should I do? You should eat faster so that it doesn't catch my eye!”Jeongwoo replied.

“Or maybe you should just close your eyes!”Haruto retorted.

“Hyung, you can have mine if you want.” Junghwan told Haruto, still drooling on his chocolate bar.

Haruto and Jeongwoo turned to Junghwan whose chocolate bar was full of saliva by then. 

“No, it's okay. I will wait for Woo to buy us bigger chocolates someday.” Haruto said and smiled. Then he patted Junghwan's head gently.

Asahi smiled. Sometimes he forgot that Haruto was the eldest among the three of them since he was usually shy and quiet. But some certain actions of him really expressed that he indeed was the eldest among them. Like this time.

Asahi's phone started vibrating indicating that it was a call from someone. He excused himself, stood up and left the place for a while to attend the call.

After about five minutes, he came back and sat down at his seat.

Jihoon asked, eyes round in curiosity. He always did this—eyes widening thingy when he was curious and suspicious. “Who was it?”

“Huh?” Asahi tilted his head. He seemed to be confused. “Oh, you mean the call?”

“Yes, the call.”

“Mashiho.”

Jihoon nodded in response. Again, silence took over. Hopelessness could be easily identified by their faces.

The cafe was buzzing with chatter and laughter. The street in front of the cafe was bustling with rushing people. The cars on the road were honking before rushing away. The world was busy like every other day, but for Asahi—his world had stopped months ago.

Asahi said,“I'll be moving to his place for a few weeks.”

“Why?”Jihoon asked in a confused tone, as if he didn't know that Jaehyuk and Asahi lived together and it was drowning Asahi's mental health everytime he had to see his face.

A surge of anger, resignation and tiredness flowed through Asahi for a second.

“I don't want to see him.”

“Him?” Jihoon asked as if he didn't know Asahi referred it to Jaehyuk and as if he definitely was not the attorney who was handling this divorce case.

“Why are you pretending like you are clueless about this whole thing? I've told you each and everything that happened. On top of everything you are the attorney who's handling the case!” Asahi hissed, losing his calm composure for a second, tired of this charade.

“No, Asahi, not me. You told it to Attorney Park. This case is getting more complicated. I want a fresh perspective again. You know how important it is to win the case in the next two trials at the minimum. Or else this case will drag on for a few years and you will still not get the divorce. So I am opting for a fresher perspective.” Jihoon sighed and took a sip from his smoothie. The eyebags under his eyes looked more prominent. He was definitely stressed about this case, Asahi deduced. Asahi was thankful to his friend for this.

“As a friend. As a friend, I want to know, what makes you hate him so much?” Jihoon asked in a pensive tone, his face stern and devoid of any emotion except maybe some concern and bitterness.

“Everything.”Asahi replied and stood up slowly. He was calm again and that's what Jihoon didn't like about it. He didn't like how his friend pretended to be calm about the whole situation even though he was mentally drained out. But then again, that's who Asahi was.

***

Asahi had left the cafe with his two sons after bidding Jihoon a goodbye. 

It didn't take long for Asahi to reach the shared apartment of him and Jaehyuk. He hoped for Jaehyuk to be absent there so that he could drop Haruto and Jeongwoo there without having to see his face or hear his voice.

They entered the plush lobby of the apartment. Several other residents of the building passed by them.

Jeongwoo asked him, eyes focused on Asahi's face, small fingers clutching Asahi's hand, “Papa, is Jihoonie my fwiend? Like Ruto-kun and Junghwan-kun?”

[N//'Kun' is a semi-formal title for a man—primarily men younger or the same age as the speaker.]

Haruto seemed to have heard his brother's question and looked up at Asahi in curiosity too, latching on Asahi's other hand.

Asahi wondered why Jeongwoo was asking him that all of a sudden since Jeongwoo and Haruto had known Jihoon ever since they were adopted but he definitely found them adorable for asking with their curious eyes focused on his face.

“Yes. Kind of.” Asahi murmured as they entered the elevator and the doors closed. “And….” Would it be appropriate to say this? “Remember, he will always—always help you, no matter what or whichever situation, okay?” Momentarily, he spaced off. Jihoon really liked kids, he hoped he wouldn't have to regret saying this to his kids.

“Will remember!” Haruto beamed.

Asahi smiled at him before pecking his forehead.

Jeongwoo scrunched up his nose and whined, “Me too! Me too! Want kisses!”

Asahi tried to suppress a laugh as he pecked Jeongwoo's forehead.

They were really adorable. He wished they would grow up happily.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. They walked through the silent corridors before reaching their apartment door.

The kids couldn't contain their bubbling excitement at nothing in particular but they chatted happily even as Asahi opened the door with the keys.

The moment he opened the door, he knew his prayers to the deities above hadn't been answered.

The small entryway had a shoe-rack. House slippers were scattered in front of it along with a pair of dress shoes. Jaehyuk's office shoes. He was back from the office.

Asahi remembered how he had always scolded Jaehyuk because he never kept the shoes on the rack and left it messily on the way. They often argued about it until Jae had pouted enough that Asahi just gave in.

The kids put off their shoes.

Left of the entryway led to the open dining-living plan. The wallpaper of the apartment was mostly a mix of beige, vanilla and coffee colour; except the kids' room which was a combination of coffee brown and black. The 6 seater dining table looked pristine under the lights. The kitchen was near the table; the sink cluttered with unwashed plates.

The laundry space was near the door. The walls were littered with pictures of happy memories. There was a door on the right wall which led to the master bedroom. Asahi and Jaehyuk's room which held memories of years of their relationship. The lofty bed with lamps at the side beside the big windows, the big wardrobe which held a mix and match of both of their styles. Stop it.

The door on the left wall led to the kids' room. Always messy and cluttered. Empty chips packets always littered the underside of the bed.

A few steps away from the dining table was the living room. Lofty sofas, couches, ottomans and the rug on which their kids played everyday. It led to a deck with outdoor dining.

The room was barely lit now. The kids zoomed in the living room happily. The parent entered too.

Asahi's eyes fell upon his husband who was sitting on a couch of the dimly lit living room with his eyes closed and head resting against the headrest. Asahi assumed he was sleeping. 

So calm, so beautiful. 

Even though Asahi hated him, he could not disagree with the fact that Jaehyuk was indeed beautiful. But no, Asahi wouldn't be swayed away by his beauty. Asahi was happy that Jaehyuk was asleep, so that he wouldn't have to hear his voice or have any interaction at all— not even ignorance. According to Asahi, that's the only reason he was happy at the moment. He definitely wasn't happy because he saw his beloved's face right? Yeah, probably.

Jeongwoo rushed inside the kids' room. Asahi waved his hand as a bye to the two boys.

“Won't you be coming too?” Haruto asked. He seemed disappointed.

“No.” Asahi said sheepishly. “I have some work but I will come back tomorrow so don't worry.”Asahi said and patted Haruto's head softly.

It didn't take long for Asahi to take his packed luggage out of his bedroom, out of the living room and get out of the apartment. He could hear Jeongwoo literally screaming from inside—probably to wake Jaehyuk up. Asahi chuckled without realising.

***

The birds flew across the clear sky.

“What an amazing weather it is this evening!”someone among the strangers on the streets said.

Asahi muttered, “Amazing? No.”

It rather amazed him how the sky seemed to be celebrating someone's success while he was roaming around the streets of Seoul alone while drowning in his own sorrow. 

Oh, how much Asahi wished for it to rain that evening! He wished for the sky to comfort him with its tears. He wished that he wouldn't be the only one who had to feel so much agony.

However, the sky, being painted by dark shades of blue, showed no signs of a downpour. It was a clear sky where the moon shone brightly like a carved diamond in the middle of black charcoal.

***

Before the dark night finally took over the evening sky, Asahi reached Mashiho's 3-bedroom house near Hongdae. It was located in one of those fancy blocks in which each house had their own prim yard, proper patio and a large garage.

When Asahi rang the bell, Mashiho welcomed him with a bright smile and wide arms.

Mashiho, who had been Asahi's friend since high school days, knew almost everything that had been going on in Asahi's life. It's vice versa for Asahi. They would often have had disagreements but never had they ever fought. Mashiho being a good friend, let Asahi stay at his place for now. Asahi was glad that he had someone like Mashiho in his life. He was thankful towards him and at the same time he felt like he was asking for too much.

Asahi moved into his assigned bedroom on the second floor and came downstairs to the open kitchen-dining area of the house. Then he sat down at the dining table which was full of delicious Japanese dishes.

Mashiho was preparing some more food for dinner apparently while Asahi stared blankly at the table in front of him. Mashiho occasionally asked him something or the other to divert his mind but the conversation would eventually end too soon. 

It's not like Asahi didn't want to divert his mind, it's just that Asahi had less to talk about. There was an uncomfortable aura going on between the two. Mashiho kept on insisting Asahi to talk things out with Jaehyuk instead of divorcing him at once. But Asahi had decided, so he was not taking it back. Mashiho, as a friend, could only suggest him and respect his opinion.

Luckily, the house bell rang, cutting off the awkward atmosphere and they got the chance to end this uncomfortable silence.

“I'll go and check.”Asahi said and stood up.

Asahi opened the door and was greeted by a familiar young man's face.

“SAHI!” That man exclaimed and hugged him. Asahi hugged him back awkwardly. He was still getting used to hugging people other than his husband—soon to be ex husband and his little circle of close friends.

It was Junkyu. He was beaming.

Asahi ushered him inside the posh kitchen-dining room.

Junkyu beamed. “Good evening, Sahi. Are you staying the night at Shiho's again? Does that mean we can have sleepovers?”

Asahi gave a dry chuckle. “Aren't we a little too old to have sleepovers?”

Junkyu laughed loudly. “Ah, Sahi. You are so boring~ Liven up~ We are never too old to do anything.”

Asahi just hummed and sat at the table quietly.

Junkyu gave another bright smile to his boyfriend who was plating the dishes. "Good evening, Shiho."

Mashiho looked back at the table with sharp eyes. Then he gave an awkward smile. "Oh. J-Junkyu. I didn't know…. Nevermind. Thanks for coming. I hope you like the food. Again I am sorry for….”

Junkyu and Mashiho seemed to talk telepathically. Asahi didn't want to intrude on their moment even though he felt he was being invasive every second. He was being so selfish. He really shouldn't demand so much help from his friends. He would treat them back for this soon, he hoped.

“I always like the food cooked by you. Never doubt yourself.” Junkyu said solemnly.

“Y-yeah.” Mashiho said and turned back to the platter on the burner.

Junkyu sat down and smiled at Asahi again.

Asahi hated how he was taking away their precious ‘couple time’.

Mashiho came to the table and plated the dishes and smiled at them. “Let's start.”

While the three of them were having dinner, random conversations would eventually occur as Junkyu wouldn't just stop talking. He's shy around new people but considering the fact that Mashiho and Asahi have been his friends ever since University, Junkyu was talkative around them.

For those fifteen minutes, Asahi let himself forget about everything— about the divorce, about the quarrels, about the sons he was missing even though he saw them just a few hours ago, about the tears and about Jaehyuk.

“I'm surprised you actually showed up. I thought you were joking when we were texting.” Mashiho said to Junkyu, swirling the contents of the soup with his chopsticks.

“I, too, thought you were kidding when you cancelled our date tonight.” Junkyu replied, having his sashimi peacefully.

Mashiho looked at Junkyu without leaving a reply; more like glaring. It seemed to Asahi that the couple was talking about something, not verbally but with expressions, about something that he was unaware of.

Again, the third wheel.

“You'll leave after the dinner?” Mashiho asked, changing the topic.

“Nope~” Junkyu replied, having his rice peacefully.

“Why? I thought-” Mashiho was interrupted by him.

“Why? Do you want me to leave?”Junkyu asked in a sulking yet joking tone.

“Why do I have this overly dramatic boyfriend again?”

“Hey I'm not over dramatic! Maybe a little but-”

Mashiho chuckled. 

***

On the contrary, Jaehyuk was working on his laptop until late at night. His eyes were almost shut by all the tiredness caused by the busy day but he needed to finish it before the morning arrived.

He just had to finish this.

He heard the door of his room opening slowly. Sighing, he turned towards it just to spot a small figure— Haruto peeking from outside. 

That made Jaehyuk chuckle. Oh, speaking of which, is this the first chuckle that Jaehyuk let out after five months? Probably.

“What is it, Ruto?” Jaehyuk smiled.

“O-oh, you can see me?” Haruto asked in an embarrassed tone.

Jaehyuk laughed and nodded. “Come here, baby.”Jaehyuk said and made gestures asking him to approach.

Haruto nodded his head aggressively as a no.

Jaehyuk was confused. “What? Why not?”

“You will be angry if I say it.” Haruto pouted from the door. Jaehyuk felt like his heart was melting.

“Say what?”

“No, I won't tell.” Haruto said and shook his head, his small hand still latching on the doorknob.

“It's okay, I won't get mad. I promise. Please?” Jaehyuk said cheerfully, trying to appear enthusiastic.

Haruto smiled shyly and approached his father. Haruto opened his arms wide and raised them while looking at his father, gesturing to him to pick him up. Jaehyuk did and placed the little boy on his lap. Haruto peeked at the laptop and at all the files that were occupying the table. 

“So what did you want to tell me, baby?” Jaehyuk asked.

“You promised you won't be angry, right?” Haruto asked with innocent eyes.

“Yes I did!” Jaehyuk beamed.

“Okay, then I will ask you, appa.” The six years old said a bit shyly. “Where is papa?”

That caught Jaehyuk off-guard. He did not expect it at all. Then again he was probably dumb. He should have seen it coming. Because he himself was as enamored with his little husband as his little adopted sons.

‘Where are you, Sahi-ah?’ 

“I don't know, Ruto.” He said with a bitter smile, eyes on the window sill which had a wide ledge, stuffed with blankets and pillows.

They had bought the apartment because of that window ledge. Asahi never explicitly said so but he always smiled at the ledge; it was Asahi's favourite place in the apartment, his own small place. Jaehyuk knew it.

Tonight that ledge was empty.

Haruto asked, innocently playing with the loose ends of Jaehyuk's sweater. “Then when will papa come back home?”

“I…”

‘When will you come back home, Sahi-ah?’

Jaehyuk did not know what to respond. Unlike Asahi, who snapped at the two kids if either of them would ask about Jaehyuk, Jaehyuk just caressed Haruto's hair gently while trying to find an answer to his question.

“Will papa come back?”

‘Will you even come back, Sahi-ah?’

“Ruto..” Jaehyuk said in a low tone. He was confused too. He wanted to know too. He didn't realise when a tear dropped from his eye and then the other. “I don't….. I don't know…..”

Jaehyuk thought, “I miss you, Hi-kun. I miss you so much. But it's okay, I'm willing to let you go if that's what you want. This stinging pain in my chest hurts me so much. But if it's for you, I'm willing to do anything, love.”

Haruto looked at Jaehyuk who stared at him blankly while his tears were rolling down his cheeks.

“Appa... don't cry… I'm sorry, I won't ask you about papa anymore! Please don't cry!” Haruto exclaimed. He seemed to be in panic, afraid that his words caused Jaehyuk's tears.

Jaehyuk wanted to hold back his tears. But he failed to do so.

Unsure of what action to take, little Haruto was in panic. Eventually, he started crying as he could not stop his father from weeping. 

***

After the dinner, Junkyu stayed back to watch some k-dramas with Mashiho. He invited Asahi too, even though he already knew that he would refuse. 

Asahi was staying in the small room which was apparently full of bookshelves. Considering that it was Mashiho's house, no wonder it was all clean and clear. Even all the books were arranged in an order.

The other things that the room had were a bed against the window, a bedside drawer and a cupboard. The lamp and phone on the drawer were off.

Asahi laid down on the bed while staring blankly at the ceiling.

Flashback

“It's always him, Asahi! It's always him and never me!”

“You're wrong.” Asahi said, jaw clenched. He was tired of arguing like this.

“Are you confused about your feelings towards him? Are you afraid that I will be upset? It's okay.” Jaehyuk said, with a weird look. But Asahi could see the tremble in his fingers. “I'm fine with it if your heart belongs to him. The only thing I beg you to do is to admit. Admit your feelings. It's never too late. I'm not blaming you or him so you need not worry.”

The hurt in Jaehyuk's voice hurt Asahi. So he pleaded again. “Why don't you try to understand?” he said in a tired voice. “Why do you want us to separate? Just because I was with him for a while? It's just that he's been my friend for too long to be forgotten. We just needed to catch up! Why are you making things up?”

“Then, tell me, Asahi. Why did you call him first when you were drunk at the bar? You didn't even tell me where you were.” Jaehyuk continued saying, avoiding his husband's eyes.

“I just needed some space, some alone time. I needed to refresh myself. I was tired. And you know it. I need some personal time and space.” Asahi didn't understand why his husband was being silly after all these years of being in the relationship. Jaehyuk was supposed to understand him. Why was he making a mountain out of a molehill?

“Tired of what? Being with me?” Jaehyuk snapped abruptly.

“You're trapped in your own assumptions, Yoon Jaehyuk! Stop this nonsense right now!” Asahi said, tired. He just wanted to cuddle with his husband before sleeping the bad day off. He didn't want to fight his beloved.

“It is just what I see. I see what you're showing me, Asahi. I admit it, it hurts me to see you with someone else. But I'm okay with it if you're happy with him. It's okay….” Jaehyuk said in a bitter tone.

“Why do you keep pushing me towards him? No matter how many times I try to come back to you, you're the one who keeps pushing me away. Is that my fault? Why are you doing this suddenly huh?” Asahi asked quietly.

“It is no one's fault. I'm just asking you to tell me everything that you feel about him. What do you want, Asahi? It depends on you. Tell me, Asahi, what do you want our relationship to be like? I shall make it happen.” Jaehyuk said, the tremble in his voice was obvious.

“I want a break from all this! I want you to understand that I don't have any feelings for him.” Asahi confessed quietly.

“Then why did you call me by his name that night when you were drunk?”

“I was not sane enough, that's all! Forget that night, it was nothing.” Asahi asked, eyes downcast. He was feeling a weird combination of dejection and anger and frustration.

“If I let that happen, will you be happy?”

They still didn't meet each other's eyes.

“Yes.”

“I'm sorry. I can not forget it. If it's for you, I can pretend that I forgot everything about it but everytime it flashes through my mind, it hurts me. I'm afraid that you are losing feelings for me. I'm afraid that you don't want to be mine anymore. I'm afraid I'm keeping you trapped. I'm afraid I'm being too selfish. I'm afraid-”

Suddenly, Asahi pulled Jaehyuk by the collar of his shirt and kissed him on the lips. Asahi didn't want to hear it anymore. He was tired. He was exhausted. He did not know any more replies to Jaehyuk's words. He just wanted to hear silence. He just wanted them to revert back to the peaceful loving days and pretend these arguments didn't happen.

However, Jaehyuk did not kiss him back and instead pushed him away. Ever since Jaehyuk and Asahi got together in those high school days, it was the first time that Jaehyuk protested against him during a kiss. Asahi was rather hurt than surprised by his actions. 

“Don't ignore me, Asahi. Don't avoid it by a kiss. I love you with all my heart and I'm willing to do anything for you. Why don't you understand me?” Jaehyuk said before finally breaking down in tears, hurt visible on his face.

Asahi kept his blank face but his heart broke into pieces.

(End of flashback)

***

(Present)

He held back his tears.

“Why am I even thinking about you?” He said, his jaws clenched. “Stupid me.”

Asahi's phone started ringing. Unable to see the contact because of his blurry vision caused by his teary eyes, he picked up the call and cleared his throat.

“Please come back.” A voice said from the other line of the call.

That familiar voice that used to feel like home to Asahi. That same voice that made his heart ache now. 

Yoon Jaehyuk. 

“Haruto keeps asking for you.”

Asahi did not reply. He felt like his voice was stuck at his throat, as if something was choking him. His tears rolled down once again. He closed his eyes and bit his lips. But this pain, he couldn't hold it back. Neither did he know what to reply with nor did he know if he should continue the call. 

“He's crying.”

He heard faint sobs of small Haruto overlapping Jaehyuk's low voice. That was it. Asahi stood up immediately, took his coat and dashed out of the room.

He made sure to inform Mashiho that he's going out before he rushed towards his home.

He took the subway—which wasn't crowded due to the awful hour—which made him reach his destination faster. Asahi was aware that something like that would have happened so he specifically asked Mashiho to let him stay at his place since it was the closest to their— Jaehyuk's apartment.

He rang the bell multiple times when he realised that he forgot to bring the keys with him. He was so forgetful!

The door was opened by Jaehyuk in no minutes.

Without even taking a glance at him, Asahi rushed inside to see the sight of Haruto sitting on the living room couch with a tiny ice-cream bowl in his hands. His eyes were slightly red from crying and his face was puffy. The television was on, late night cartoon characters talking animatedly. But Haruto seemed more interested in the bowl of ice cream.

However, when Haruto saw Asahi, he immediately kept the ice cream bowl aside. The adult approached the kid with short steps. Haruto sniffled, eyes getting teary, “Papa! You are here!”

Then he got off the couch and went to hug Asahi's legs. The latter picked him up.

At first, Asahi didn't say anything. He just hugged him softly and patted his head. Even though Haruto was older than Jeongwoo, he was rather sentimental and timid. He would do everything he was asked to and never not would he refuse. He was easy to read and easy to raise and even easier to be lured and manipulated; so much so that Asahi feared for him. Neither did he ever have some demands nor some complaints. Making him laugh was as easy as making him cry.

Asahi could hear Haruto's heavy breathing and infrequent coughs from minute to minute. He just patted his back, not saying a word.

“Don't leave. Please papa.”Haruto finally spoke.

“I'm not going anywhere, Ruto, don't worry. I told you I'll be back tomorrow, right?”Asahi replied in a soft tone.

“No, I know you won't come back! Don't go!” Haruto held Asahi's hand with his little hands.

“I won't go anywhere, Ruto.” Asahi confirmed.

For the rest of the ten minutes, the room was occupied by silence. Asahi kept caressing Haruto's back until he finally fell asleep. All this time, Jaehyuk watched them silently from a corner of the room. 

Asahi passed by him, not even taking a glance at him. After placing Haruto beside a sleeping Jeongwoo —who mumbled something like “love, love papa~~” in his sleep and Asahi smiled fondly—Asahi went back to the living room. 

Jaehyuk's eyes met his and this time, Asahi looked at him directly into the eyes without faltering. Jaehyuk, who felt as if his soul was being pierced by those eyes, looked away.

“Why did you give him ice cream? It's literally midnight! The weather is so cold today and he was also crying! He'll catch a cold!”

“S..sorry”,Jaehyuk apologised.

“Why are you apologising when you're not even sorry?”

“Right, why should I be sorry? You're the reason why he's awake, crying at this late hour!” Jaehyuk fired back.

“Just admit it, Yoon Jaehyuk. You can't even stop your own child from crying. You can't comfort them. You can't make them fall asleep. You can't help them at all.” Asahi scoffed.

“Even if I can't, I am trying my best. They know it too. I'm trying my best to take care of them.”

“Efforts can be appreciated but a failure is still a failure. There's no room for at least you tried in the world we are living in.” Asahi said bitterly.

“Oh.” Jaehyuk said sarcastically. “Is this why?” he prompted, hands crossed over his chest.

“What do you mean?”

“Is this why you left me? Because I'm imperfect? Because I never succeeded even after trying my best? Is it because he's better than me? Is it because he can be a perfect father to them? A perfect lover to you? Was I not good enough? I was just a failure, right?”

“Shut up!” Asahi hissed. “I didn't leave you! You're the one who made me leave you! Stop being hurt by your own assumptions! Stop bringing him in every conversation we have! He's innocent! Why do you keep doing this to someone who doesn't even have a connection to our relationship, who wants nothing but for us to succeed?” He hated how his husband kept on accusing his good friend selfishly. Yet his friend was innocent! His husband had lost his mind. “I hate you for this! I hate you!”

“I've given all my efforts to make you mine, to make you love me, to make you cherish me, to make you happy. Did all those efforts go in vain? Did you consider my imperfections before my efforts? Why?”

“What efforts are you talking about? The only thing I ever received from you was pain.” Asahi couldn't take this anymore. He wanted this to stop. He was really hurt right now. He couldn't do this anymore. “I gave you my loyalty just to be suspected of cheating? I will not allow this. You are the one who started this! It's because of you that we are standing here today!”

“You disappoint me. I never expected you to be like this, Asahi. You've really changed. Or has he changed you?”

“Shut up! Shut up, shut up!” Asahi said, his jaws and fists clenched. “What do you even know? You know nothing about him! You know absolutely nothing! So stop talking like you know everything! Stop it! What changes are you talking about? I was always like this to everyone! You're the one who thought too nice of me! You're the one who followed me around in high school, not me! I told you to stay away but you still-”Asahi was interrupted by his own thoughts.

‘But you still did not listen to me and made me fall in love with you, Jae.’ he thought.

“No Asahi, this is not you. You're actually too nice. I just wanted to keep you safe.” Jaehyuk said quietly.

“You make up things on your own and stick to it! Have you ever made any efforts to know the truth? No, right? Exactly.”

“You say that it's me who makes things up but you're the one who has been assuming so much! I made many efforts to know the truth and thus the truth was revealed! I saw it in your eyes, in your actions and even in your words. Remember when you ignored my calls just because you were hanging out with him? Remember when you gave presents to your friends on their birthdays but you forgot mine? Remember when you kissed me out of nowhere just because you broke up with your ex even though you knew about my feelings? Remember when you cried on my shoulder because you were having a hard time but when I cried, you just stared at me? Remember when I waited for hours for you to arrive on our first date but you forgot about it completely and never showed up? Who is the one who made the effort, Asahi?”

“Those things happened long ago and yet you keep bringing on the past! What have I ever done to you? I tried my best to satisfy you but now no more! I'm a bad person, is this what you want to prove? Then you're right. I'm leaving!”

“Repeat what you just said. Not for me, but for yourself. Do you think it is right?”

“I don't understand what you mean, Jaehyuk! This is driving me crazy!” Asahi lost his patience. He just had enough. He couldn't play word games with him all night. He just didn't have the time.

“What if Haruto wakes up again in the middle of the night and asks for you? You're leaving without considering anything about our kids?” Jaehyuk's voice stayed low and calm.

“No, you're the one who is being inconsiderate. Just leave this house if you care so much about us. Give me my kids and just go away to wherever you want. You know what? They didn't even ask about you at all the whole day. They're better with me.”

“You are forgetting they're my kids too.”

“You should forget it too. Forget it that they're your kids. I have everything in myself that will help me to raise them. Just leave this all and it'll be a great help.”

“You took everything away from me. Now you want them, too?”

“You are forgetting, Jaehyuk. I'm selfish. I think about no one but me.” Asahi quoted the same words Jaehyuk had once thrown to his face. You're selfish.

Jaehyuk finally showed a reaction to this. He flinched. “I said those words by mistake that time and you know it! Don't bring them up! You're not like the Asahi I know. Stop it.”

“I am a stranger, right? This is the real me. I don't understand you, right? Fine. I'm leaving, just like a stranger should.”

“What if Haruto cries again and asks for you? What am I supposed to do? What if he asks me again about where you are and when will you come? Should I tell him that you're at his place? Should I tell him that you're never gonna come back?”

“Shut the hell up! I'm not staying at his place! And I'll be back, back to take my children with me! Till then, take care of them. Don't make them cry like you did tonight. You're a father, don't forget it.” Asahi was practically seething.

“You ask me to forget that I'm their father and after a while you ask me to do the opposite. You don't even know what you want.” Jaehyuk said with a bitter smile.

“At least I know how to comfort my kids. At least they feel like home when they're with me. At least I don't make my own child cry.”

“That's where you are wrong, Asahi.” Jaehyuk shook his head as he said this. “Haruto cried because he thought you left them. If Woo wouldn't suggest me to give him ice cream then he would've been crying himself to sleep. You were late to arrive. It's you who made him cry and it's me who stopped him from doing so.”

“So it was Jeongwoo! I should've known!”

Asahi's phone started ringing, interrupting their conversation. Asahi looked at Jaehyuk and back at his phone. He received the call and headed outside, walking past Jaehyuk.

Jaehyuk gripped Asahi's hand to hold him back from taking one more step.

“What do you want now, Jaehyuk-ah? You said you'll give me whatever I want. Then just leave me alone.” Asahi said coldly.

“Do you remember, Asahi? In high school, when you hugged me tightly so that I wouldn't go home? Do you remember when you confessed that you like me when you got jealous of my new friend? Do you remember when you wanted to be kissed by me but you were hesitant to ask for it? Remember when I nagged you to adopt Jeongwoo along with Haruto? Why can't you be that Asahi whom I love so much?”

“Jaehyuk, it's over. Happiness is gone. I'm tired of pretending. Aren't you too? Stop pretending to love me when it has already gone. The only things that are left are the scars. The pain that we gifted each other.”

“You have told this to me multiple times. You have told me how much you hate me. I just held onto my unreciprocated love, thinking that one day I'll wake up hearing that you love me again and that you were out of your mind when you said you hate me. I was wrong. Thank you for making me realise. Maybe it's my time to say it back. I hate you, Asahi. You made me hate you.” Jaehyuk said with tears streaming down his face. He finally broke. Finally.

Asahi didn't know why. But this deep tug in his heart wouldn't go away.

“I hate you so much.”

This stinging pain in the heart, every word that he heard from Jaehyuk's mouth strengthens it. It wouldn't just go away. Even his head started aching.

‘You hate...me?’ Asahi thought. He could feel his whole body burning up. His breath felt heavy as tears formed at the edges of his eyes. His legs felt weak, as if he couldn't walk anymore. His hands felt weak, as if he couldn't hold his phone anymore. His heart, out of all, felt the weakest, as if it was about to burst at any moment. 

He couldn't hear or concentrate on what the other person was saying, who was on the other side of the call. He could just hear Jaehyuk confess his hatred towards him. Jaehyuk left his hand, letting him go.

***

It was about one in the morning. The relentless ticking of the clock was loud in Jaehyuk's ears.

Jaehyuk realised what he had told Asahi during their fight as he contemplated whatever happened. He pinched the bridge of his nose while sitting on the couch.

“I was being too impulsive. I don't hate you. This is wrong.” were the thoughts that crossed Jaehyuk's mind, making him get out of the apartment and run through the streets, just to find Asahi.

Finally, after a lot of breathless running, he spotted Asahi sitting at the bus stop. He did not fail to notice that he was crying. It hurt Jaehyuk. 

“Are you crying because of me?”,he murmured to himself. Wait, of course, he was crying because of Jae. It was all his fault! How stupid could he be! Stupid Yoon Jaehyuk!

He took a step towards the direction of the bus stop.

But then he noticed a black car stopping in front of the bus stop. A man dressed in expensive clothes, came out of the car. Even though he didn't even get a glance of the face of that man, something inside him had already known who the guy was. Oh, that familiar face. 

Bang Yedam.

Yedam was Asahi's childhood friend; or so is what Asahi said. Considering the fact that Jaehyuk had never heard him talk about Yedam, it was hard for him to believe that they had known each other for that long. One word for Yedam would have been perfect, be it wealth or looks or personality—he was the top.

Jaehyuk stood far away, watching them. As soon as Asahi's eyes fell on Yedam, he stood up and hugged him. He was still crying, crying so much that even Jaehyuk could hear his sobs from where he was standing.

They wouldn't just part away and continue hugging. Asahi kept on murmuring about something that was inaudible to Jaehyuk.

Asahi's forehead rested on Yedam's shoulder and Yedam's hand caressed the back of Asahi's head. Asahi's hand clung onto Yedam's jacket and Yedam's hand held onto Asahi's waist.

Jaehyuk stood there, without feeling anything, without thinking anything—all numb.

Jaehyuk noticed how Yedam's arms secured Asahi in his embrace. 

‘That should have been me.’

Jaehyuk noticed that Yedam was whispering something to Asahi's ears now that Asahi had calmed down a bit. 

‘I should be the one doing that.’

Asahi and Yedam were talking about something face to face. Their expressions were serious but they wouldn't part away from the hug. Yedam leaned in, closing the slightest gap between him and Asahi. Jaehyuk noticed how flustered Asahi got as he shyly buried his face onto Yedam's shoulders. Yedam just had a genuine smile glued upon his face.

‘Did you ever smile like that when you were with me?’

Jaehyuk wanted to hear about what they were talking about. He was afraid that the two men would part themselves away if they noticed Jaehyuk approaching. He wanted to hear everything about their conversation without letting them know about his presence. 

Yedam gestured to Asahi to get inside the car. Asahi smiled and said something in return. Yedam took off his jacket and offered it to Asahi. Asahi nodded his head from left to right indicating it as a no. A shy smile wouldn't leave his face.

‘Yes, Sahi, tell him that you don't want anything from him. Please tell him. Please.’

Please do.

At last, Asahi accepted the jacket and got into the car with him. The car passed by, right in front of him. He felt like he was in a trance.

For a moment, everything around him felt like it was going on in slow motion. His eyes widened in wonder when Asahi's eyes met him and the only witness of their eye contact was the glass-window of the car and the open sky above their heads.

‘Was that really you, Jae? Or am I in a worse condition right now that I have started hallucinating?’