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Inupi still remembers it clearly, more than anything else, the feeling of his best friend's lips on his.
He remembers the feeling of the light breeze coming in through the window he was sitting next to, his short blonde hair slightly tousled and his eyes closed as he allowed himself to sink away in his mind's incoherent thoughts. He remembers hearing Koko's quiet footsteps, and being half asleep as he was, figuring that he should keep his eyes shut and ignore the presence of the approaching boy. He remembers smelling the traces of citrus-like cologne on Koko's neat uniform as he inched nearer, setting off a warning alarm inside of Inupi. But before he could even think to react, his senses awakened to the bittersweet taste of the noirette's soft lips as they brushed over his; so suddenly that Inupi's heartbeat did not even have time to register it until the boy pulled away.
He remembers hearing Koko fall to the ground before him, his pained sobs coming out in chokes filling Inupi's head until there was nothing left in it but his friend's cries. He remembers the numbness in his entire body as he continued feigning unconsciousness. He remembers how his heart beat against his ribcage threatened to reveal himself as wide awake, aware, conscious .
"Akane-san…" Kokonoi's voice came out strained, distorted with pain that found its way into Inupi's own chest. To him, he had moved on – the reality drilled so deep into his core that all it left was emptiness, the type of hollow feeling that gave him no choice but to accept what happened and continue forward. But Seishu knew this wasn't the case for the boy crying in front of him, who felt pain and grief so intensely that it tormented his entire soul. The fact that he was still alive only meant he was coping, in one way or another.
And if that means using Seishu, so be it.
He also remembers, or perhaps is reminded, of how caged he felt with his eyes glued shut, bones stiff and muscles tense. He knows it's his body’s defense mechanism, its natural response to being kissed, or maybe it's just his body's reaction to Koko – he wouldn't know.
"Inupi…" Kokonoi's hand brushes the blonde's cheek, feather light. "Why won't you look at me?"
Because. "Does it make a difference if I do or not?" Seishu decides to say, his eyes refusing to meet the other's deep, dark ones.
Hajime actually contemplates for a moment, then says, "No. But is it so much to ask?" He leans in again and plants a soft kiss on the other boy's forehead, brushing the stray strands of golden air from his face.
Koko is always unusually soft in intimate moments like this, lacking his trademark obnoxious grin, his bravado seemingly melting away in the face of Inupi when they're alone. His calloused hands transform into gentle fingers, wild cat eyes to endless abysses full of longing. In turn, Seishu is cold and rigid, even more so than usual; he accepts affection indifferently, making one wonder whether it was worth opening their hearts to him in the first place. But to Koko, this doesn’t seem to matter.
Hajime brings his lips to the corner of Inui's eye, then his cheek, the tip of his nose, and the tender skin of his scar.
Inupi's hands feel cold even though his face is burning up. Burning up. The phrase always feels strange to him, even after all these years. Maybe he was less strong than he thought.
"You’re like rain, saccharine, poison …" Koko says as he kisses the other boy all over.
And her , Inupi expects him to say.
"...And Seishu. Just Seishu."
Maybe for the first time, the noirette acknowledges him as him.
Inui inhales deeply, then places his hand on the center of Kokonoi’s flat chest, feeling the bones underneath the thin layers of his clothes. It only takes a slight push for him to understand.
"...Enough." Seishu swallows the lump in his throat and dares himself to meet Kokonoi’s eyes. He doesn’t recognize the expression he sees on his best friend’s face. Seishu almost feels bad, wonders what he did wrong to cause this, and almost wants to take it back – but it’s too late now, just like so many other things.
Seishu wonders if this is the expression Koko wore when he first kissed him years ago. No, that can't be right; because that time, I didn't reject him .
"Why?" Koko's voice is just above a whisper, and now he’s a scarred abandoned puppy on the roadside.
“Because I’m not the person you want me to be.”
“What do you mean by that?”
This question is so futile, no, even rhetorical.
For a moment, the only sound that could be heard between them was the faint buzzing of electricity flowing through the cables overhead, decorating the dark night sky like tangled vines obscuring the stars.
Inupi wants to scream and say he doesn't deserve to have his heart toyed with like this. To be reminded of the very moment that Koko proved he would choose his sister over him, and that he was only a desperate replacement, every time they depend on each other for traditional acts of love that Inupi doesn't understand.
But instead, he sighs and says, "Forget it."
Hajime takes Inui’s chilled hands and intertwines his fingers with his own. "I love you ," he lies. Seishu’s vision is blurred with the hot tears of indignity that involuntarily pool under his eyes, and he curses the bright streetlights for illuminating his face for Koko to see.
"You need me."
“You’re wrong.”
Finally, Koko silently turns around and walks towards the road, with Inupi in tow behind him. No further words are spoken as the two pass under streetlight to streetlight, shadows painting their figures against the dark gravel underneath their feet. Seishu rubs his reddened eyes and watches Koko’s back like a lost child being led home.
It has always been like this for as long as they could remember. Despite everything, Inui’s favorite place on Earth will always be right behind Kokonoi – his safe haven, his comfort, his compass. He makes a promise to himself that next time, he will be the one to kiss Koko first.
Because if he were to ever love anyone, the only person that he could even consider giving his heart to – maybe in an alternate timeline, if things played out differently – would be Koko.