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Mark paced the length of his apartment in agitation. One wall, turn, walk, the next wall. If he stopped moving, the roiling emotions caught up with him. There had been a lot to sort out over the past few weeks.
Mark glanced at the comconsole and looked away again. It was much too early for Kareen to call, unless something had gone wrong. But he didn’t want to go out to walk, in case she tried calling and he missed it.
This had all started a few weeks ago, in the therapist’s office. Mark had replayed it many times in his mind. Kareen had begun joining in some of his sessions, and they’d been taking steps to get closer … on all levels. Mark let his body move on autopilot as he went back to that particular therapy session in his memory.
They’d just finished discussing the latest progress Mark and Kareen had made. He’d relaxed into his chair, feeling a kind of cautious happiness, when Kareen had spoken up.
“So, I wanted you both to know, I’ve taken some decisions.”
A prickle of worry had started at the base of Mark’s spine. He sat up again as Kareen continued.
“I’ve made an appointment at the sexual health clinic, to get my hymen cut and have the contraceptive implant put in.”
The therapist smiled and nodded in approval. Mark felt like a bomb had gone off inside his chest. A cocktail of emotions flooded through him, with anxiety taking the top spot.
“Umm, Kareen, are you sure you want to do that? It’s – it’s not like, you know, it’s nothing like what you would do on Barrayar. And when you go back to Barrayar, won’t that be – complicated … ?”
Kareen tossed her head. “As you might recall, I worked my butt off to get away from Barrayar. I want to see other planets, to see other ways of doing things. I like how Beta does this. I’m not confined to being only a Barrayaran woman. I’m …. stepping out of that box, I’m breathing new air.”
“But … if you do this … that would mean ….” he ran out of words.
“This seems a positive decision, Kareen,” remarked their therapist. “Have you been thinking about it for awhile?”
“Quite some time.” Kareen pointedly turned her shoulder on Mark. “It’s something Tante Cordelia and I discussed as a possibility before I even left Barrayar. I’ve talked to Gran-Tante Naismith about it too – she’s going to go with me to the clinic, do some shopping, and meet me afterwards.”
Karen paused, then went on. “It’s exciting to learn how people from different planets and backgrounds handle this – entry – into sex and relationships. In the foreign student building, there are people from Escobar, Pol, and Vervain … and of course I’ve talked to my Betan friends. I’ve decided that this is right for me.”
She turned back to look at Mark. Her eye had a no-nonsense glint in them that he associated with Kareen’s temper heating up. “This is my decision.”
After a pause, their therapist stepped in “You realize that there’s a learning course you’ll need to do as well – relevant anatomy, physiology, that sort of thing – before getting the implant.”
“That’s not a problem,” said Kareen. “In the work I’ve already done with the LPST you recommended, we talked about how things work in general, and that advice that has been … useful.” She grinned mischievously and winked at Mark. He blinked back uncertainly.
Kareen took another deep breath. There’s more, thought Mark. What’s next?
“I’ve also decided I want to go ahead with the, um, direct instruction, sexual instruction, from a professional. That’s what my friends have recommended, for lots of good reasons – just comparing their stories of the first time they … it seems like you have more control, and can ask questions or say if you don’t like something, if you’re working with an LPST. You don’t have to worry about looking silly, or hurting people’s feelings. I think it seems more – empowering.“
“I’d highly recommend it. In fact, I have a couple of names I can suggest to you.”
Mark stared fixedly at the floor as the therapist continued.
“I really encourage you to consider going to a hermaphrodite Licensed Practical Sexual Therapist, ah, LPST. Herms can demonstrate and have you practice things for yourself, and also for a partner of either gender. It might give you insights you wouldn’t get otherwise. And you do remain in control – you can go in any direction you want to explore, and stop or go as far as you want. You might take a number of sessions if you’re interested in technique, or just one or two to get the basics.”
Kareen nodded. “I’d like those names, if you don’t mind.”
“No problem, I’ll get that contact information for you right now.”
When they were alone, Kareen held out her hand to Mark. He squeezed her hand a moment, and then relaxed his grip.
“What’s wrong?” she asked quietly.
“Nothing’s wrong,” he tried to speak in a normal tone of voice. Not very successfully, he feared. “I’m just surprised. I didn’t know you were thinking about this, and I need to adjust to it, that’s all.”
He dropped her hand and tried changing his posture to be more open, as the therapist came back in with the information.
“Kareen, would you mind waiting outside for a few minutes? There are a couple of things Mark and I need to talk about, before we finish up.”
“Sure,” she said. “I brought my reader so I could do some homework. Thanks for the names!”
As the door closed behind her, Mark expelled a breath and slumped down.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” muttered Mark.
“I thought you weren’t looking too comfortable. It surprised me, since you’ve spoken about Grunt and what you – and he – have wanted.”
“That’s different. That’s imaginary. It wasn’t, ah, imminent. Yes, I do want … to be with Kareen. I imagine driving her over the edge with ecstasy, you know how it is in the vids and all. But … as soon as it’s real, I know it might not work out too.” He shook his head. “What if she decides she’s ready to … make love, have sex, whatever. What if I can’t? I’ve told you how sometimes … it just doesn’t work, for me.”
“First of all – I believe Kareen has demonstrated that she’s unlikely to force something that you don’t want. I know you want to give her everything, but you have to consider what is right for you, too. And even if a sexual relationship doesn’t work out, it’s possible you could maintain a close friendship.”
Half a loaf being better than no bread? thought Mark. He felt cold inside.
“Secondly, I think you’re discounting the very powerful effect of someone loving you, and being in love with you – and you with her.” A slight smile. “There tends to be a strong motivation and focus on pleasing each other. As you have been doing in your time together, so far. Isn’t that right?”
Mark made a vague noise of assent and shifted uncomfortably.
“Third – let’s say you both want to try penetrative sex. And for whatever reason, it doesn’t work for you. Well …. you’ve researched, Mark. Surely you know there are other ways to pleasure your partner?”
“Ummm …. maybe – maybe I should try a different focus with my LPST – instead of dealing with my own issues, I could learn about things Kareen might like, or want to try. I mean, theory is one thing, but maybe some practice would, uh, help.”
He cleared his throat and spoke aloud his next, miserable thoughts.
“What if she wants to try sexual things with other people, and decides other guys do it better than I do? Or maybe she’ll find out she likes women. Or herms, best of both worlds. What if … she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. There’s nothing that says she has to stay.”
“Well … all those things are possible. But I don’t really think these recent decisions are about Kareen wanting to be sexually active with others, or even you, necessarily. I think it’s about Kareen learning more about herself – a part of herself she’s never had a chance to get to know. She can find out what she needs, what works best for her. I’ve never been to Barrayar, so I’m not sure if I have an accurate perspective. It doesn’t seem like it’s easy to discover and claim your authentic, adult sexual self there.”
Mark gave a faint puff of air as he considered this. “Yeah, well, it’s complicated.” He pondered morosely. “And I’m definitely not the right person to ask. Barrayar is still a bloody mystery to me, a lot of the time.”
“One more thing,” the therapist said in a soft voice. “You know how Kareen mentioned she’ll be getting the contraceptive implant. And her grandmother – grand-tante – is going to meet up with her afterwards. They’ll probably go shop for earrings.”
Mark put his head in his hands. Betan earrings were hideously complicated. They sent signals … consenting adult with contraceptive, looking for a fling. Asexual, but open to romance. Consenting adult but in an exclusive relationship. Stay the hell away. He’d never bothered decoding them all, since he was only interested in Kareen.
“I think you should be careful, Mark. Think about your reactions … you don’t want to stifle Kareen. If you are serious about a long term relationship with her, you’ll need to give her the room to grow that she’s seeking. Clutching at her now will feel like you’re trying to control her, and I don’t think that would be good.”
It felt like he was inhaling knives, not air. “I understand,” he said in a low voice. “She was all set to come to Beta before I ever came on the scene. I don’t want her to be – cheated – out of her year here because of me.”
“I’m not saying that you’re cheating her out of anything,” came the rebuke. “I’m just saying, it’s a careful balance. Have you heard that saying – ‘if you love somebody, set them free. If they come back to you, love them forever; if they don’t come back, it was never meant to be.’ It may well be that Kareen is curious and wants to date other men, women, or hermaphrodites. That exploration might be important to her, and ultimately build a stronger relationship with you. It could also mean that you drift apart. Think about what is best for Kareen, and also what is best for you … knowing that she’s tried what she needs, and she chooses you – wouldn’t that feel much more settled than wondering if she never had the chance to look around?”
“Do you – do you think it’s likely she’ll want to?” God, that cold went right through his gut and his bones.
“Oh, not necessarily. I just want you to be prepared, to know how you want to handle it. Would you want to break up entirely for awhile? Would you want to stay friends? Would you be open to each of you having other sexual partners while you’re together, or even sharing sex in a group? There are lots of variations that can work.” The therapist raised both eyebrows. “Including the variation where Kareen doesn’t want any of that, and just wants to explore her options with you. “
“Oh.” Mark glanced at his chrono and levered up out of his chair. “We’re over time, sorry about that.”
“It’s fine. See you next week.”
The two nodded at each other as Mark headed back to Kareen. He held her hand and walked her back to her place, appreciating every moment of being together.
Mark was startled out of his thoughts by his neighbour banging on the other side of the wall. He hadn’t realized he’d been drumming his fist on the wall as he relived these thoughts. The effort to transfer the pain from inside to the outside of his body was ineffective anyway.
He pivoted to go to the kitchen in response to Gorge’s prompts, then stopped himself and resumed pacing. Not touching the wall, though. The comconsole continued to be still and quiet. He slipped back into the memory of their conversation last week, when Kareen came over.
She had been bubbling with excitement as she told him about the appointment and showed off the earrings from Grand-Tante Naismith. “They mean I’m a consulting adult, with an implant,” she told him. “They don’t say I’m in an exclusive relationship, and they don’t say that I’m looking for a fling, either.” She’d given him a sideways glance. “You and I, we haven’t really talked about that yet.”
“Did you – did you want to talk about that?” he asked, hesitantly.
She took time to think, and he didn’t rush her. “I’m not sure,” she said slowly.
“Kareen, if you were here without me, you’d have this chance to grow. I don’t want you not to grow, because I’m here. I, I don’t want to be in your way.”
Tears came to her blue eyes as changed to sit with her arms around him and her head on his shoulder. “You’re not in my way, Mark. You are … you are, part of my journey.”
He held her tightly, breathing in her scent, letting her curls cascade around him. It was a moment, another moment he could keep in his memory just in case ….
Mark stopped pacing to sit on the couch where they had been last week. That was a good memory. He clutched at a pillow, instead of Kareen. They’d progressed to kissing, touching, and … well. Betan clothes were certainly easier to remove than Barrayaran ones. Even if they were drawing the line at how much to enjoy each other, for now. Mark had been booking extra time with his LPST to prepare, and once Kareen had had her instruction, their therapist had agreed that they could move forward. If they both felt ready. Mixed in with all this anxiety and fear, there was also an anticipation and an urgency to finally go as far as they wanted. Grunt had been enjoying all the extra training, and tended to take over any idle time that Mark had to think. Thinking about exactly how this training could be put to good use, for Kareen and for Mark. In great detail.
At last, the comconsole chimed. Mark surged forward to land in his office chair and answer it. Kareen sparkled at him through the vid screen.
“Mark! It was so good! Really amazingly … I never imagined …” she exclaimed. He could see that she was back in her room at the student housing centre.
He could feel a tension within him release. A relief. Why was that?
“Kareen, that’s great to hear! I’m thrilled for you!” He really was. Now that was a surprise. Where did that come from?
“You’ll be even more thrilled tomorrow,” she enthused, “when we can finally make love …. umm, I mean of course, if you want to …..”
The look in his eyes must have answered her, as he saw a blush flame up over her face. “I cannot wait.” He half growled.
“Well you have to wait until tomorrow,” she tried for a lighter tone of voice, but she was betrayed by her uneven breathing, and the nervous twining of her fingers through her hair. “I’m going out with my girl friends here tonight. They insisted on celebrating with me.”
Mark grinned at her. “As you should. Just remember that we have our own celebration tomorrow.”
“God, Mark, how do you do that!” She exclaimed. “Your eyes are so intense. I’ll be thinking of you all night.” She tilted her head accusingly. But she still had that glow.
“Well, good,” he rolled his shoulders and leaned back in the chair, lacing his hands behind his head, and stretched. “You’d better go. I’ll see you tomorrow. What time, do you think?”
“Maybe noon?” she hazarded.
“Noon’s fine,” he nodded.
She blew him a kiss and he winked in return, then cut the comm.
Noon was fine. Noon was excellent. It gave him time to prepare for their first time together. Maybe flowers, he’d heard that flowers were good. What else … candles? A good take out meal ready for afterwards, so they didn’t have to go out. They could stay in, and spend more time together, or fall asleep, or … whatever. He could do a bit more research now, and shop tomorrow morning.
He wondered again at this bubble of light inside of himself. What heaviness had been released by Kareen’s call? Why was he so buoyed by her happiness, instead of feeling threatened by it?
It dawned on him that his own entry into sexuality had been, well, negative was an understatement. Traumatic, maybe. Depersonalizing. He’d had no control, there had been fear, pain, helplessness, rage. All the things he was now working his damnedest to process, release, or enfold into the person he was becoming. Maybe that was why needed the Black Gang.
Kareen, though – she’d had a beautiful experience. She felt excited, powerful, sexy, in control. That’s how it should be for everyone, he supposed. Kareen was so important to him, his world turned around her. She couldn’t hide the joy, the sense of growth and of self … in fact, she wanted to share it with him.
Picturing the glow he’d seen on Kareen during the call, he felt his eyes light with energy and desire. Kareen was looking forward to exploring further – with him. Hell, she wanted to explore him, she wanted him to explore her …. no limits this time, except what they chose for themselves. And he’d packed a lot learning of his own into the last couple of weeks. The LPSTs could show how things worked, tips and tricks. But consummating their drive for each other, and their love … that was something only they could do for each other.
Tomorrow would be a good day.