Work Text:
"So you're telling me there's a school over there?" Maria Hill asked the strangely clad magical being with an even stranger name.
"More like a castle actually. Unless it's grown… Can it grow? I guess it can grow. But it's usually bigger on the inside anyway," the wizard said with a definite nod of his head as if he had accomplished a great feat of logic.
"Riiiight," Maria said, turning away from him because there was no help to be had from these people.
She should have guessed as much if a whole castle of theirs had just up and left, scouring the country to gobble up random people. This was complete and utter nonsense. Maria would have refused to even come near the thing if it had not eaten one of her own agents. Now, there was only one person she could think of who might be able to help, having had some experience with getting eaten by an invisible town, if not quite so literally.
"Someone get me Agent Lewis," Maria muttered in her com.
Luckily, Darcy Lewis was not far from the Scottish wilderness, visiting her old mentor in Sweden. As far as agents went, Lewis was useless 99% of the time, but come an event this crazy, and Lewis would come up with a way to handle it, usually by accident.
"What're we looking at, boss?" Lewis asked as she hopped over next to her, spilling coffee an inch from her polished boots.
Maria glared at her, then pointed a finger at the dark moving mass in the distance, perched high on hoofed pig legs, a trail of smoke puffing from its numerous chimneys hanging ominously around it. The castle had ceased to be invisible, thank God, appearing suddenly for all to see. The wizard explained its magical enchantments called wards must have fallen when the environment became poor in magic, before adding it might disappear again if it found a richer magical ley line. Maria was about to tell her as much, but she was cut short by the agent's shrill exclamations.
"Oh. My. Thor! That's Howl's Moving Castle! That's so amazing! I'm a fan! Can I go visit? Where's the ticket booth?"
Maria bit her bottom lip, eyes rolling upwards as she prayed for patience. Finally, she explained the situation.
"And the magic people say this is normal?" Lewis asked in disbelief.
"Well, the wizard they sent doesn't appear overly concerned," Maria replied, thumb pointing to the only man on base who was in a dress.
Currently, he was snoring in the field camp they had set up in a hurry, although she was pretty sure the gaudy armchair he was slumped in wasn't theirs.
"Can we use him as bait?" Lewis asked.
Maria was about to protest, but after all, why not? Wizards were the most annoyingly pedantic, yet stupidest people she had ever had the displeasure to meet. As a bonus, maybe their lot would stop running to them for help whenever they fucked up once Agent Lewis got their way with them. Besides, the castle, who had been meandering in the Scottish wilderness up to now, was clearly heading for a rather large non-magic town, and Maria would do just about anything at this point, including feeding a useless wizard to a wild castle, to stop it.
"Sure. Go ahead. Try not to kill him, if you can."
Lewis gave her a sloppy salute and began setting up shop next to the sleeping wizard. Whatever she was doing gave off a lot of smoke and sparks at first, but soon, a low humming sound pressed against her eardrums, then, the ground under Maria's feet began shaking.
"What the fuck did you do?" Maria demanded.
"I amplified the signal this dude is giving off. He's magical. That thing is magical. You did want the castle to stop roaming, right?"
"By calling it here?"
"Well, I won't figure out what to do with it if it stays way over there," Lewis reasoned.
Maria had to give in to her logic, and let her continue. After all, they had been observing the castle from afar for hours without much to report, and Lewis had just stopped a castle from eating a town, so she had already proved herself useful.
"I hope you know what you're doing," Maria sighed, as the shadow of the ancient rumbling castle loomed over them.
"Yeah, me too."
"What?"
"What?" Lewis repeated with a nervous laugh, looking anywhere but at her while the castle rumbled to a stop just a few feet away from them. Maria expected an attack, and she doubted her firearm would do much good against a stone giant, so she didn't even bother unholstering it. Somehow, her fate was in the hands of Agent Lewis: a woman who tased Gods and poked around the laws of physics on a regular basis. It could be worse, she supposed.
"Good boy?" Lewis ventured, addressing the castle.
Maria felt the hair at her nape stand on end, and despite the castle not having eyes, she could swear it was observing them. Then, the large wooden door creaked open. Maria was not sure whether it was an invitation to enter, or if it was going to release its hostages. In the end, it was neither. Instead, a long red carpet unfolded from the door, wrapped around Agent Lewis and pulled her back towards the entrance..
"No! No! Bad boy! Let me go!' Lewis was shouting at the carpet-tongue, hitting it uselessly with her tiny little fists.
Of course the castle wanted Darcy Lewis. She was pretty unique in her own demented way. However, Maria could not let that happen. Darcy was their only hope of stopping this madness. So, if Maria could not stop Darcy from being taken, then she would go with her. Grabbing the patchy end of the carpet, Maria hung on as it slithered back through the door and inside the cold cavernous walls where it dropped them off before resuming its carpet duties beneath their feet.
"That could have gone better," Darcy said.
"You think?" Maria groused, dusting herself off.
"Could have gone worse?" Darcy offered with a forced smile and squeaky voice.
Maria grumbled. Being mad at the woman was useless, and now that she was inside, she might as well try to find her missing agent, then figure out how to get out or stop the damn castle.
"Muggles again?"
Maria looked up towards an old lady in tartan robes descending the massive stairwell in front of them. She looked regal enough to be in charge of a castle. The Queen of England had nothing on her.
"Agent Hill of SHIELD, ma'am," she saluted. "I believe your castle ate one of my agents."
"Ah, yes. The archer. I believe you'll find him in the Great Hall. He has taken a liking to the local food, and I believe our cooks have taken a liking to him as well since they're working overtime."
Maria rolled her eyes. How were they supposed to be taken seriously when all their agents acted like children? The old woman then introduced herself as Headmistress McGonagall, and she led them to Agent Barton. She was pretty spry despite her wrinkles, so they were there in no time. Just like their host had said, Barton was sitting at the longest table she had ever seen with several dishes laid out in front of him, each more delicious looking than the next. Her stomach grumbled, but she pointedly ignored it, as well as the old woman's gaze.
"Barton!" Maria snapped, and to his credit, he did snap to attention, although he ruined the effort by ending it with a loud burp. "Report."
"1283 civilians, Ma'am. Mostly children aged eleven to seventeen. Staff numbers twenty-two. An additional fifteen… err… normal people have been eaten by the castle. Seventeen counting you two. And there's… creatures and ghosts… and pest. I mean pets. No one has a clue what's going on."
"Have you even tried, Agent Barton? Anything other than the food, I mean," Maria shot back with a disapproving frown.
Barton looked sadly at his leftover dishes. Maria did too as her stomach grumbled again, but she turned on her heels and walked out, fully expecting to be followed.
"Lewis?" Maria called over her shoulder and her expert hurried to walk in step with her. "You said this was identical to some other moving castle? Can you do anything with that knowledge?"
"Howl's moving castle?" Darcy said. "I guess we could check the hearth for a demon…"
"A demon?" McGonagall butted in, her Northern accent making her sound angrier than she looked. "There's no such thing as demons!"
"You are literally a witch, lady," Lewis told her in typical 'I don't care who you are' attitude of hers. "We need to check your chimneys."
"There are nearly fifty of them in use at this time, lassie," the witch protested. "Many of them in private areas."
Darcy thought for a moment.
"Take us to your biggest, hottest fireplace," Lewis decided.
"That will be in the kitchens," McGonagall replied and took a corridor to the right that led to a staircase going down. "May I know where you gathered such knowledge, Miss Lewis."
"In a book," Darcy replied simply, to which the witch nodded in approval. "Someone here must have read it too."
"What kind of book?" Maria asked, but Lewis only laughed as if she was joking, so Maria had to use her Fury-level-scowl.
"Oh, it's a erm, an old fantasy book about-"
"A moving castle I imagine?" the witch cut in.
Lewis nodded quickly.
"And it has wizards and witches in it too, actually. Funny how this is working out."
"Can't be a coincidence," Maria muttered.
She swore, if this all turned out to be a prank done by some bored teenage witches, she was going to hand in her resignation. Darcy had had a good hunch however, because they did, in fact, find a demon in the kitchens. Several, in fact, although McGonagall insisted on calling them elves and that they were harmless, having fed their friend all night in fact. Barton looked unsure whether to thank them for the food, or wash his mouth with soap.
"Hello Mr Pointy Ears. Has your fire been acting strangely?" Darcy asked one of the elf-demons, crouching down as if she were talking to a child.
"Fire be cooking, miss," it replied with wide eyes, shaking like a leaf.
Darcy narrowed her eyes at the fireplace, but it was indeed covered in all manners of large pots, grills, and saucepans.
"Could you guys clear all of this away?" she asked sweetly, which only seemed to frighten the creature even more.
It looked towards the old witch who nodded for them to do as she asked, and soon, beneath all the pots and pans, they found a book engulfed in flames, but not actually burning.
"That must be it!" Darcy said excitedly as she reached into the fire.
Maria caught her wrist before she could actually give herself severe burns, wondering how she had managed to survive to the ripe old age of twenty six. For someone so smart, she sure could be very dumb at times.
"Maybe retrieving it by magic would be wiser?" Maria said to the witch.
"Certainly," she replied, waving her wand to make it hover out of the fire and onto a table where the flames began to die.
"I was right!" Darcy exclaimed, pointing at the title.
Refusing to let her agent's ego grow any more than it already was, because she had seen how badly that had gone over with Stark, Maria ignored her and turned the cover.
"Do you have a student by the name of Emily Dunbar by any chance?" she asked.
"Why, yes, we do," McGonagall replied. "But she's only a first year. I don't see how she could possibly be responsible for-"
The castle suddenly lurched to one side, and all the people, non people, and furniture fell atop one another in one corner of the vast room. Maria had barely avoided a set of big, sharp knives, then managed to pull Darcy into her arms so she wasn't crushed by a giant cauldron. Above them, the witch hovered over the mess while Barton dangled from an arrow.
"Thanks for the help," she muttered in their direction. "Where's that damn book?"
She began sorting through the mess around her when the castle trembled again.
"Get that book back in the fire! Now!" Maria shouted, satisfied when everyone, demons included, jumped to obey.
"Accio book," McGonagall intoned clearly and the book simply flew tight into her hand.
Maria clenched her jaw. She hated magical people.
"In the fire," Maria repeated when it looked like the old woman was fighting to do such a barbaric act.
But she did, reluctantly. The flames embraced it once more and with another grumble, the castle righted itself.
"What was all that about?" Barton asked, now that his useless ass was back on solid ground.
"I think it would be better to return the castle back to its original place before breaking the spell, don't you?" Maria asked the witch more than she was answering Hawkeye.
"Well… of course, but I don't see how you're going to achieve such a thing. All the teachers have already tried everything they could think of just to make it stop. We have no way of directing it."
"Have you tried asking Emily Dunbar?"
It looked like she had just asked her if the sky was green. Magical people, honestly. But she led them throughout the corridors, through a portrait, and into a large room with many couches set around a fireplace almost as large as the kitchens. She then asked them to wait there, but returned a few minutes later with a sleepy looking young girl in pajamas covered with rainbow unicorns. She looked a lot less sleepy when she was placed in front of her, eyes growing wide as took in her leather boots, uniform and gun then looked up at her, craning her neck. Maria sighed and made the effort to kneel to be at eye level for her.
"Hello, Emily. I'm sorry to get you up at this hour, but I need your help."
"Me?" she squeaked.
Maria nodded solemnly, ignoring Darcy and Barton who were whispering idiocies behind her back.
"You see, the castle grew legs and is roaming around the country, picking up people along the way. It's not hurting anyone yet, but we can't let it walk around, it's too dangerous. Do you know anything about it?"
Emily's eyes were wide, and she shook her head vehemently at first, but then her eyes darted towards the chimney and back to her.
"I found your book," Maria said. "The story is quite similar, isn't it?"
"I… I didn't do it! I was just reading it and…" she broke off, looking on the verge of tears.
"Yes?" Maria asked. "You're not in trouble, I promise. We just need to understand what happened to put everything and everyone back in its place."
Emily still looked fearful, but she glanced at McGonagall who nodded her approval.
"It's alright, lassie. You can tell her."
But then she looked behind her, from the door she had appeared from, and her expression closed off once more.
"Nothing you say will leave this room," Maria said, before sharing a look with the headmistress. "You can make sure no one is eavesdropping, right?"
"Yes, of course. But I can assure you everyone else is still asleep. We charmed the dormitories so the castle's movements would not impact the students' sleep."
No offense, but Maria doubted her, or anyone else for that matter, could account for the whereabouts of hundreds of teenagers. They were a menace even when they didn't have magical powers. However, McGonagall did… something, supposedly, and then told her to go ahead.
"So, Emily, do you think you can help me?"
The little girl nodded.
"I didn't mean for it to happen. I just liked that book, but the others… they made fun of me and called me a…" she heaved a deep breath, at the brink of a good cry.
Maria prayed for her to hold on a bit longer. She could cry all she wanted when she got the information she needed, as long as it wasn't anywhere near her.
"They called me a teacher's pet," she finished dramatically.
Maria was quite unimpressed.
"And they made a song… with other bad names, and took my book and threw it at each other so I couldn't get it and…" she glanced at the chimney once more.
"They threw it in the fire?" Maria guessed with a sigh.
Maybe this little girl really didn't know anything about the moving castle. Emily nodded.
"I tried to get it out, but it was too hot," she continued, holding her hands up, but there were no burns that Maria could see. "So they called me stupid, and made another song as they pushed me around. I was… I was so scared to end up in the chimney like my book," she sobbed.
Maria pushed the girl gently towards Darcy so she could sob into her hippy clothes while she stood to address the headmistress.
"Do your students' magic lash out when they're being bullied?"
"We don't tolerate bullying in our school," McGonagall replied haughtily.
"Just because you don't tolerate it doesn't mean it's not happening, just that you're not seeing it," Maria snapped. Godamn idiotic magic people.
The witch's mouth was one thin line of displeasure as she took in the rebuttal. No one liked being told they were doing a poor job.
"Younger students are more inclined to have a burst of accidental magic during an emotional upheaval, yes."
"Thinking you're gonna die will do that to you, yeah," Barton said. "Doesn't explain why the book is in the kitchen though."
"Or why there are no burns on Emily's fingers," Darcy added.
"This chimney connects to the kitchens. We're right above. As for her burns, that's easy enough to heal in the infirmary."
"So it's possible Emily enchanted the castle, right?" Maria asked.
"Enchanting a whole castle? A first year? Why, I don't think even Merlin himself could have achieved such a feat."
"Maybe the castle wanted to be enchanted," Darcy cut in.
She had a knack of coming up with the wildest theories, yet they often turned out to be correct.
"It's magical, right? All of it. And sentient too judging by what you said about it moving the stairs and rooms. I bet it does other weird shit, too. So maybe it saw an opportunity, and decided to go for a walk."
"You're blaming this on the castle?" McGonagall asked.
"Better than blaming it on a traumatised little girl," Maria shot back before she figured out another piece of the puzzle.
"Say, Emily, where do you live?"
"Glasgow ma'am," she sniffled, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her pajamas.
"Oh!" Darcy exclaimed. "That's brilliant, Hill!"
Maria hated that she felt proud at her acknowledgment. She knew she was smart, she didn't need the approval of a crazy pseudo-scientist.
"When you reached into the fire, did you wish for anything, sweetheart?" Darcy asked the girl clinging to her.
"Yeah, I mean… I wanted to go back home. I wanted to make new friends there who wouldn't be so mean to me, I guess. I know it's silly. There aren't other magical schools back home."
"No, that's perfectly understandable," Darcy told the girl before looking over at her. "And that explains why it's gobbling up people. It's finding friends for Emily."
Emily's eyes grew wide as she looked between Darcy, Barton and Maria, as if she couldn't believe it would pick these people out as friends. Darcy did look a bit deranged, and Barton had impressive muscles. As for herself… Maria frowned at the girl when she shyly looked at her.
"The castle didn't pick me," she said lest the girl think they could be friends. "I hitched a ride when it chose Darcy. I mean Agent Lewis."
Damn her mouth for running ahead of her brain.
"Wow," Barton deadpanned.as if he couldn't believe she'd just said she didn't want to be friends with a bullied little girl.
Maria ignored him and addressed Emily once more.
"Do you really want to go back home?" she asked her.
Emily chewed on her bottom lip for a few seconds before shaking her head.
"Not really. I was just scared when they pushed me. I like learning magic here. I don't want to leave."
They all felt when the castle suddenly lurched to a halt.
"Good," Maria praised. "You're doing great, Emily. You know where the castle is usually, right? It's really pretty with the lake and the forest, and that quaint little village nearby?"
"Yes, we can visit Hogsmeade in third year. There's a joke shop, and a candy shop."
"So it would be better if we returned the castle there, don't you think? And not gobble up anyone else on the way?"
A spark in her eyes told Maria the girl knew what to do now, because she nodded and soon, the castle began moving again. They all hurried towards the windows, relieved to see it was leaving the sleeping town behind as the castle sprinted into the dark wilderness on its porcine hooves. At this rate, they might make it before the sun rose, which would make everything so much easier. Maria patted Emily's shoulder and she smiled up proudly at her.
"You're doing great, kiddo," Maria said before going to sit on one of the plump sofas, exhausted from the night's adventure.
Darcy soon joined her, sitting uncomfortably close.
"I'm glad you called me in. This is much more fun than staring at stars for hours."
"Is that what you were doing?"
"I can't tell you. It's classified."
Maria snorted. She could find out what Selvig and his team of misfits were doing in a few seconds.
"If you say so."
A moment of silence settled between them, which was unusual for Darcy, so Maria glanced at her to see if she was up to no good, only to find her staring back.
"You're not as bad as the rumours say," Darcy said out of the blue.
"And what are the rumours saying now? Last I heard, I was a terminator. They said the same about Coulson. The lack of originality is staggering."
"Well now they say you eat SHIELD recruits for breakfast," Darcy says flatly.
Maria rolled her eyes. At this rate, her reputation would be worse than Fury's. Instead of teasing her about it, Darcy sank into the cushions and was blessedly silent. Maria had to fight the rolling movements of the castle from lulling her into sleep. Darcy had no such qualms, however, and within minutes, her head dropped heavily against her shoulder. Maria tolerated it, because a sleeping Darcy was better than a babbling Darcy. But then the castle stumbled and Darcy's head fell into her lap. Maria froze and glanced towards their little navigator, only to find her grinning back with mischief writ all over her chubby face. She was going to be a terror that one.
Darcy's head was heavy, but in all honesty, she deserved to rest. Without her, they wouldn't have found a way into the castle, or even known to look for a book in the fireplace. She was quite the genius when it came to the absurd, so Maria let her sleep. An hour later, the castle slowed. McGonagall nodded when their eyes met. Hogsmead was near.
She could ask Barton to go to the kitchens to retrieve the book when it was time, because then she would not have to see his knowing smirk, but Darcy deserved to close this case so she shook her shoulder.
"I wasn't sleeping," Darcy mumbled as she instantly sat upwards.
Maria bit back her smile, not wanting to give Barton anymore ammunition.
"We're almost in position, Lewis. Get your ass down in the kitchens and prepare to retrieve the book."
"Right. Yeah. Great," she agreed, nodding with emphasis, probably to compensate for her sleepy eyes. "How do I get there again?"
Maria clenched her jaw, reminding herself not to kill her because killing her own agents was bad.
"Maybe an elf could offer some assistance?" McGonagall offered. "They'll hear your signal too."
Maria recalled the little demons all had huge ears so she agreed with the witch's offer. The next minute, Darcy held the creature's hand and they popped out of existence right in front of her eyes. Maria had to assume that was normal, or she was going to earn herself a new nickname as demonslayer in retribution. In the meantime, she watched over the witches as they settled the castle back on its foundations, stone grinding and rumbling loudly beneath them while the walls seemed to vibrate before their eyes until it suddenly stopped. Maria held her breath, but the walls didn't crumble around them like a sandcastle.
"Darcy! Now!" she shouted towards the chimney.
A few seconds later, Darcy reappeared in front of her with the infamous book. Maria snatched it out of her hands. She wasn't even wearing gloves. It might… possess her or something. What kind of scientist was she?
"I'm keeping this as evidence," Maria said, brooking no argument as she put it in a clear bag and sealed it shut.
"You'll hear no argument from me," McGonagall replied.
Emily was the only one who looked saddened to hear it.
"If you ever decide to work in the less insane world when you grow up, call me," Maria told the little witch as she handed her a card with her contact info, then she leaned forward and whispered for her ears only. "And if anyone decides to mess with you again, tell them I have an army of spies who can find out every word they've ever written in their pathetic diaries."
Maria turned on her heels and strode out. She could not tolerate this absurd place a second longer. She was satisfied to hear Darcy's irregular skipping and Barton's heavy footfalls follow her without hesitation, flanking her within seconds. Fury was right, making a dramatic exit was the cherry on top of a successful mission.