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“Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?” Jamil asked as he rummaged through his bag before class began, searching for his textbook.
Azul’s eyes didn’t leave Jamil’s face as he chuckled in response. “Nothing of the sort. I just still can’t believe how lucky I am to have you, that’s all.”
Jamil’s face flushed with heat as he abruptly turned from his bag to face Azul, who was staring back at him with a big, goofy, love struck smile. “Do you have to be so blunt when we’re in public?” He whispered.
“You act as though we’re keeping a secret. Is there something wrong with admiring someone I care about?”
“Jeeze… You act like we haven’t been dating for the past few months . Just don’t blame me if you’re not paying attention in class.”
The lesson ended as quickly as it came, and Jamil stood as the bell chimed to signify the change in period. He slung his bag over his shoulder as he waited for Azul to finish packing after class. “C’mon, it’s a buffet day at the cafeteria today, and you know if we don’t hurry, Grim’ll make short work of anything good there is to offer.”
“That beast certainly has his priorities…” Azul stood, holding out his hand to Jamil.
The moment of hesitation was palpable. One would think the couple had only just started dating that very week, with how reluctant Jamil looked at the idea of holding his boyfriend’s hand in public.
“...Jamil? Is there a problem?” Azul asked, still holding his hand out, trying to ignore the pit forming in his stomach.
“No.” Jamil said plainly, grabbing Azul’s outstretched hand and turning immediately to walk them both out the door.
The contact was reassuring, and the looming feeling in Azul’s stomach subsided as quickly as it came.
“Hey, guys!” Kalim’s bright smile appeared in front of Jamil and Azul at their chosen cafeteria table, followed by Silver’s typical drowsy expression as the pair sat down. “That Alchemy lesson was brutal today, right? I’m scared to even look at the assignment Professor Crewel gave us…”
Jamil sighed. That meant he would probably have another long night in the labs re-teaching the lesson to Kalim so he could pass his assignment. “I’ll look over it with you tonight.”
Kalim’s face brightened. “Really? You’re the best, Jamil!”
“Kalim…” Silver spoke in a half-yawn. “We forgot to look for the coconut pudding.”
“Oh, shoot, you’re right!” Kalim stood back up, looking at Jamil and Azul. “Do you guys want some? We’ll get it for you!”
Jamil moved to stand. “Stay here, I’ll-“ He was cut off by Azul, who put a gentle hand on his shoulder to keep him from going.
“Let them go; they’re capable of carrying a few plates by themselves.”
Somehow, Jamil doubted even the simplest of tasks to go smoothly.
“Don’t worry, Jamil. Silver and I’ve got this; you stay here and rest with Azul!” And with that, Kalim and Silver disappeared as quickly as they’d come.
“I don’t need you to intervene all the time,” Jamil grumbled.
“I’m simply looking out for you. There are times where action is necessary, and times where it would do you a favor to step back and relax .”
Jamil said nothing, choosing to silently poke at his food with his fork.
“Why don’t you come by Mostro Lounge after your basketball practice today?” Azul continued. “I’ll make sure to keep an empty seat reserved just for you.”
“Can’t. I’ve got to help Kalim with his studies, as you heard.”
“You could come by in between practice and your study session, or perhaps once you’re finished with Kalim?”
Jamil snorted. “Helping Kalim with assignments is no short task. You know that.”
Azul wasn’t one to give in so easily. “Then let me accompany you. Between the two of us, I’m sure we could speed up the process, and that should give you ample time to rest at-“
“I don’t need you butting in,” Jamil cut him off. “This is how it’s always been. It’ll be faster if I just deal with it myself. Don’t worry about it.”
Azul furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t see why you’re so resistant to my assistance.”
“You don’t need to try and solve my problems for me. I’m perfectly capable of handling things on my own.”
“But you don’t need to handle it all alone, not when you have a perfectly willing partner to lend you his shoulder to lean on.” Azul looked over and Jamil, who was staring straight down at his food, a tense expression on his face. “…I don’t like seeing you under such stress, you know.”
“I’m not stressed.” Jamil responded flatly, still refusing to look anywhere but his food. “I told Kalim I’d help him study tonight, so that’s what I’m going to do. You and I will just have to hang out another day.”
Azul felt his body tense, the pit in his stomach reforming. “Jamil-“
“I can study with him.” A quiet voice broke into the conversation before the tension could escalate.
Jamil and Azul looked up to see Silver had returned to the table, two bowls of pudding in hand. Kalim was spotted in the distance with his two bowls, chatting with Cater next to the salad bar.
Silver pushed the two bowls he’d brought over towards Azul and Jamil. “I actually was going to get help from Lilia about the same assignment tonight. Kalim can join us, so you guys can go on your date, if you’d like.”
Jamil bristled at such casual word choice. “It’s not-“
Azul stopped him, again. “That’s very kind of you, Silver. Thank you.”
Jamil shot an annoyed look over at Azul that practically screamed stop interrupting me .
Azul offered a shrewd smile, and simply patted Jamil on the arm.
“I’m back!” Kalim announced, setting a bowl in front of Silver. “Sorry I took so long. Cater and I were trying to figure out a new song we could try to play together at our next Pop Music Club meeting!”
“That’s alright.” Silver said, a gentle smile forming on his face as he turned to face Kalim. “Kalim, Lilia said he would go over the material for today’s Alchemy assignment with me after classes today. Do you want to come and study in Diasomnia with us?”
Kalim beamed. “Oh, a study party with Lilia? that sounds so fun!” He threw his arms around Silver’s shoulders in an excited hug. “Let’s do it!”
The dusting pink on Silver’s cheeks was not lost on Azul or Jamil.
Azul raised a curious eyebrow. He glanced beside him, expecting Jamil to still be scowling at his food. To his surprise, Jamil had glanced up when Kalim returned, and had a similar look of mild intrigue on his face.
Jamil glanced to the side, meeting eyes with Azul. For a second, their moment of tension was forgotten, Jamil offering a silent smile to Azul as his eyes flickered back to the pair in front of them.
“Jamil, did you and Azul need to study the material too?” Kalim asked, still hanging off Silver’s shoulders. “I’m sure Lilia wouldn’t mind a few extra!”
“We’re fine,” Jamil spoke, a little too quickly, not giving Azul the chance to answer for him again. “You two go ahead.”
Azul turned to Jamil. “Will I see you tonight, then?”
Jamil only looked back down at his food. “…Sure.”
“Hey.”
Azul looked up from his desk, startled to see Jamil standing over him, brown paper bag in hand. “Jamil! What a lovely surprise.”
Jamil raised an eyebrow as he placed the bag on Azul’s desk. “Surprise? You asked me to come, and I said I would.”
“Ah, well.” You didn’t seem very committed when I asked if you’d come. “I wasn’t sure you’d make it, what with how busy you get, is all.” Azul replied.
“Well, I’m here,” Jamil shrugged. “Are you going to open the bag, or not?”
“Oh,” Azul sat up as he took the bag, reaching inside and feeling several cylindrical objects. As he pulled them out, his face brightened. “You brought me spices from the Scalding Sands?”
Jamil shoved his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt, a small smile on his face as he stared at his shoes. “Yeah. You were going on and on the other day about how you’d like more practice with that kind of cooking to add to your menu someday, so I told my parents to send extra next time they mailed me something.”
Azul smiled, putting the canisters back into the bag for safekeeping. “They’re lovely. Thank you, Jamil. I can’t wait to use them.”
Jamil said nothing, instead walking over to Azul’s side and kissing his cheek.
No matter how many times he did that, Azul always felt like he could melt from the warmth of Jamil’s gentle touch.
As Jamil moved to stand, Azul took his hand in his, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. “I’m happy to see you.”
“You say that like we don’t literally see each other all day in class.”
“Oh, you know what I mean.” Azul stood, keeping hold of Jamil’s hand. “You haven’t eaten yet, have you? Let’s go out to the lounge. I won’t even charge you for this one.” He said with a wink.
Jamil stopped, holding Azul by the hand in place. “I’m fine with eating in here.”
Azul looked back at Jamil, confused. “My office is hardly a proper setting for a dinner date. Wouldn’t you rather enjoy the ambience out in the main-?”
“No,” Jamil let go of Azul’s hand, crossing his arms. “It’s fine back here.”
That familiar feeling bubbled in Azul’s gut. “Jamil…” He swallowed a lump he didn’t realize had formed in his throat. “Are you ashamed to be seen with me?”
Jamil’s head snapped up to face Azul, a wide eyed look of shock on his face. “ What ? Where the hell did that come from?”
“Don’t act like you haven’t been colder towards me when we’re in public.” Azul huffed, crossing his arms in a pose that mirrored Jamil’s. “Any time there’s the possibility of even one witness around, you’re so quick to pull away and shut down any indication that we’re a couple. Why are you trying to hide me, Jamil?!”
Jamil stared in shock. “I’m not trying to hide anything!”
Azul narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure about that? I notice how you hesitate to be close to me in class-”
“We’re in class . That’s not the time for PDA, Azul!”
“Is holding my hand between classes really such a shameful hassle for you?”
“Well excuse me for not being used to being in a relationship!”
“I’ve never been in one either, Jamil, but you don’t see me recoiling at the slightest touch from my boyfriend!”
“I do NOT recoil from you. I just like my privacy.”
Azul laughed bitterly. “You were quite adamantly against the concept of accepting help from me with Kalim today, just so we could spend some time together.”
Jamil scowled back at him. “That has nothing to do with our relationship. I just don’t need your help-”
“Jamil,” Azul spoke sternly, “I am your BOYFRIEND. Your PARTNER. We’re supposed to help each other when things get to be too much. How can I help you if you keep shutting me out?!”
Jamil turned away to glare at the floor. “I don’t need you to fight my battles for me. I’m not helpless.”
Azul sighed. “You’re really not listening. Helping each other out has nothing to do with being ‘helpless’ or ‘weak.’ I just care about you.” His hands fell to his sides as he stared at Jamil. “...Would you at least look at me when we’re talking? Could you pretend you care about my feelings for just a minute?”
Jamil said nothing for a moment. He continued staring at the floor, and took a shaky breath. “...I do care about your feelings. I’m trying to show you mine, too. I just wish you could see that.”
The quiet, vulnerable tone to Jamil’s voice made Azul’s heart want to shatter.
“Jamil-” Azul spoke softly, taking a step toward his partner.
Jamil, head bowed, darted out of the office before another word could be said.
Azul was left alone in his office with his thoughts. Had he gone too far? He felt as though he definitely made points that needed to be said, but…
His gaze wandered the room before landing on the brown paper bag on his desk. His heart ached, remembering the sweet moment the two had shared just minutes ago. Knowing that Jamil remembered his interest, and took the time to acquire something he desired, just for him…
It really was a thoughtful gift.
Azul sighed, heading out the door of his office. It wouldn’t do either of them any favors to leave this conversation on such a sour note. Not when they both still had so much left unsaid.
Now, if he were Jamil and just ran off in an attempt to avoid any sort of potential human contact on a Friday night, where would he go…?
“If you’re here to dump me, can you at least come in here and get it over with quickly?”
Azul scanned the seemingly empty classroom until his eyes fell on a hooded figure, hunched over a desk. He smiled, noticing Jamil still sat in his own seat even after class hours.
Yes, his hunch had been correct. Sure, one might think the most logical place Jamil would’ve run to would be his bedroom, but when you’re the Vice Housewarden of your own dorm, you’re all the more likely to have needy students knocking on your door mid emotional breakdown. Truly, the best place to avoid students after school hours was, in fact, inside an empty classroom.
The click of Azul’s well-tailored shoes filled the silence as he approached the desks, sliding into the empty seat beside Jamil. “Surely, you know me better than that. You don’t really think me to be the type to completely abandon ship at the first sign of conflict, do you, Jamil? Especially not when I spent so long pining after you.”
Jamil continued staring down at the desk, refusing to look up, hands balled into fists on the desk in front of him “Well, I mean-” He jumped at a sudden touch, as one of Azul’s gloved hands covered his own. Slowly, shakily, he unballed the selected fist, allowing Azul to gingerly thread their fingers together.
“Jamil, I’ve told you countless times that I adore you, that you mean the world to me, and that I’ll be by your side no matter what. I’m a man of my word, you know?”
Jamil didn’t speak, his hand shaking in place of any words that might’ve come to him.
Azul ran a thumb in soothing circles along the back of Jamil’s hand. “I’m sorry I was so harsh with you when I expressed my feelings. Changes aren’t made in a day, my dear. I know that.”
Jamil felt his heart squeeze.
“And even so, I don’t expect you to completely transform. I like you as you are, and I just want us to meet halfway.”
There was a burning sensation in the pit of Jamil’s stomach now, though he couldn’t quite place what it was. Relief? Guilt? Fear? Affection? Here he was, hiding out to sulk in a dark classroom because he didn’t know how to handle his emotions, and Azul had to be the bigger person, strolling in with confidence to smooth everything over.
Jamil silently leaned over, resting his head on Azul’s shoulder. “...You’re awfully patient to try and stick it out this far with someone like me.”
Azul chuckled, letting go of Jamil’s hand so he could wrap his arms around his shoulders and pull Jamil into a warm embrace. “If being thrown across the desert by an angry student overcome with blot wasn’t enough to deter me, I daresay nothing will,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of Jamil’s head.
Jamil couldn’t help but laugh at such an absurd thought, leaning deeper into the contact and sliding his arms around Azul’s middle to return the hug. “God, we’ve really had the weirdest path to where we are now, huh? I still can’t believe you wanted to keep talking to me after that. You were even more relentless about getting to know me than you were before my overblot incident, really.”
“There’s a certain charm to your bite. Besides, I knew you’d be a worthy investment .”
“Oh, please,” Jamil snorted. “...I’m sorry. I know it’s not fair to push you away, and I don’t mean to, really.” His grip on Azul tightened, as if he worried Azul was going to disappear if he didn’t choose his words carefully. “I’m just so used to having to do everything myself. I’ve had to look after Kalim my whole life. I couldn’t truly be myself, no matter what I wanted deep down. I’ve always had an image to uphold for the good of my survival.” He felt himself relaxing against Azul’s chest as he spoke, the words flowing out of him and filling him with relief. “I’m not used to having someone like you looking out for me. Kalim and I are both trying to change, for both our sakes, but we still have a long way to go.” A shaky breath escaped him as he sighed. “But it’s not fair for me to ignore your feelings, either. I’m sorry. I promise I’ll work harder for you, too.”
Azul smiled, giving Jamil a gentle squeeze. “Thank you, Jamil. I really do appreciate hearing you say that. But, even still, it’s not all on you. As similar as we may be, it seems we have different methods of expressing affection.” He kissed the top of Jamil’s head again, continuing to hold him close. “And I really do appreciate those spices you gave me.”
Jamil yet again tightened his grip on Azul’s middle, face still half buried against his chest as Azul rubbed gentle circles on his back. “...Azul?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
Azul’s eyes widened. “Wh-!? Y-you…?” He moved back slightly, trying to get a good look at Jamil’s face.
Jamil was, as expected, doing his best to hide his face from view as he kept his gaze downward.
“Jamil, I… Do you mean it? I mean, not that I’m not thrilled to hear you say those words, but I don’t want you to feel pressured right now, just because I said-!”
“I mean it. I love you, Azul.” Jamil looked up, and Azul noticed his eyes were red and wet.
But he was smiling.
“You really are so special to me, Azul, and… I want you to know that, with no room for uncertainty.”
“Oh, Jamil ,” Azul cupped Jamil’s cheek, pausing to look at him with a loving gaze, and then slowly guided his face up where their lips met.
“I love you, too. But I think you already knew that.”
Jamil let out a breathy laugh, collapsing against Azul’s shoulder. “Maybe so. But I can’t deny that it feels good to hear you say it.”
“Jamil, I’ll tell you I love you as many times as you’d like to hear it.”
“I don’t doubt you.” He reached for Azul’s hands, linking their fingers together. “…I can do the same, I think. If you ever find that you need a reminder about how I feel.”
“I’d like that, Jamil.” Azul grinned. “I don’t suppose it’s too early for a reminder right now…?”
Jamil rolled his eyes, but couldn’t stop the smile on his face. “It’s been, what, thirty seconds? Something tells me I’ve doomed myself already,” he laughed. “But a promise is a promise,” he looked up into Azul’s eyes, pressing a kiss to his lips again. “And I really do love you, Azul Ashengrotto.”
Azul responded by pulling Jamil in for another kiss, the warmth of their embrace washing away any lingering fears either might’ve had.