Chapter Text
To: Anya Forger
From: Damian Desmond
Age: 6
Realization: 0.5%
Denial: 100%
Damian Desmond is dramatically sighing in his room. He’s still hanging an ice pack on his cheek after that little pink-haired girl punched him. He doesn’t know what hurts the most either his cheek or that weird feeling of unease Anya Forger had left him along with the bruise.
Someone told him once that the best way to calm down his feelings and analyze them is to write about them.
“You see, Damian, there are people like me, like us who can’t share our feelings easily, for a lot of things, it could be to protect ourselves, it could be because we’re afraid of them, it could be because we don't even know how to express them or the saddest reason could be because we don’t really have anyone to talk to. So I always write down all my emotions, feelings and thoughts and then I can come back through the pages and make fun of myself or in the worst case understand a little bit more about who I am .”
Damian was only four years old when he heard all that and he didn’t quite understand it even now but he still remembers it all too well.
Currently, the poor little boy is losing his mind so with that memory in mind, he stands up from his bed to start looking for a notebook. After several minutes he chooses a green one.
And then he walks to his desk and begins to write.
I HATE YOU
I'M SCARED OF YOU
HOW DARE YOU?
“What’s this girl’s deal?” Was the first thing I thought about you, because you were looking at me with your bright green eyes like I was your target or something.
I instantly got the silly impression that you would be the first to fall for my charms.
(I had never been so wrong in my life.)
You kept staring at me for several seconds and suddenly walked away and that gesture made me think you were just shy and cute.
The second thing was that it was pointless to be friends with you. After all, your father is just “a feelings doctor”. I am a Desmond. I’m not allowed to aspire for nothing but greatness.
I also recall you saying you wanted to go play at my house or something and because of that Ewen and Emile started yelling that you were being ridiculous, that you needed to learn your place and they demanded you to stay away from me before you get your peasant germs all over me.
“Heh. Like I even care,” that was what you replied.
And suddenly THAT HAPPENED.
You gave us the smuggest smile I have ever seen.
It was quite frightening.
You actually were so happy talking with that Blackbell girl, it was like you were showing off!
IT FELT LIKE YOU WERE THE ONE MAKING FUN OF ME!
IT PISSED ME OF.
SO I LOST MY TEMPER.
“DON’T PUSH IT, UGLY! UGLY UGLY UGGO!!!,” I SCREAMED IN YOUR FACE.
It was a terrible mistake, because Mr. Henderson scolded me and told me to not make him silence me again or I would get a tonitrus bolt on my first day.
“YOU WILL PAY FOR EMBARRASSING ME!” WAS WHAT I THOUGHT AFTER THAT.
As we were walking through Eden’s halls, It occurred to me that I was enchanted to meet you, because I was so damn sure I was going to bully you right outta the school. I smiled to myself and thought, “It would be a very entertaining first year after all.”
I approached you and told you my last thought but YOU DIDN'T EVEN BLINK.
YOU WERE ACTING SO DAMN COOL.
WHY AM I CROSSING OUT WORDS??? IF YOU WILL NEVER READ THIS LETTER ANYWAY!
I must have been infected by your stupidity.
“Scared already? Don’t you look away from me!” Was the last thing I properly managed to think before your little fist was hitting my face with such a force that made me end up on the other side of the hall on the damn floor.
What kind of savage creature are you?
I started crying.
I have never felt so humiliated in my life.
Seriously, silly me for thinking that you would be the one falling for me, I can’t help but laugh at that now because I was the one who literally fell on the floor from the punch you threw at me.
I don’t know why but the worst thing that happened to me today was not actually you punching me. It was when everyone was with their parents for the picture.
I hated them all. And I hated you the most because you were all sad and your parents didn't even seem mad at you for what you did to me. They were worried about you. I don't think that's something that could ever happen to me. If I fail, there will be several consequences.
With all my hatred, Damian Desmond.
Damian reads what he wrote one more time and afterwards he goes to the center of the room where the fireplace is. When he is about to tear off the page of the notebook (because it’s definitely not a diary, if this was a diary it would mean that he will write about her everyday, and that’s not happening.) he stops and thinks for a while as he watches the fire in front of him, then he makes his decision.
“This is me praying that, this was the very first page, not where the storyline ends
my thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again, these are the words I held back
as I was leaving too soon, I was enchanted to meet you.”
To: Anya Forger
From: Damian Desmond
Age: 16
Realization: 90%
Denial: 25%
Song recently added to Damian’s Playlist: I was enchanted to meet you by Taylor Swift.
Today I’ve been rereading the first letter I ever wrote to you when I was six, and honestly who do you think you are Anya Forger to make a little boy write to you every single day of his life for years now?
I think I’m aware now.
I think I’m aware now.
I think I’m aware now.
This is the worst case because I’m starting to understand a little bit more about myself.
But I think I’ll be fine if I don’t think too much about it.
I can’t let myself think too much about it.
Have I ever told you that sometimes l feel like you can read my mind?
Did you figure me out?
I wonder if you already know that l’m—
But that’s a silly thought, isn’t it? You can’t read minds, you're just so perceptive and kind. I’ve been watching you for years to have noticed this. You always know when someone is sad and you’ll try your best to make them happy again. There are different kinds of people so it mesmerized me how you can create a strategy with every single one of them.
You have done that with me a lot, and I don’t think I ever thank you enough. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
In my family we have a saying, it goes like this:"Just do what must be done. This may not be happiness, but it is greatness."
I’ve been blindly following that statement since I can remember. (I’m still following tho, even when i'm aware now how bad it is, I can’t bring myself to stop. My father would be disappointed in me, more than he already is.)
And Anya, I really, really, really think you’re my happiness.
I feel terribly sorry for the way I treated you back then, I was a completely mega jerk with you.
But this is me trying to be a better person.
There are a lot of things that have changed. The most alarming thing for me is that our classmates, boys and girls we have known all our lives, start going on dates.
And believe me when I say this Anya, a lot of boys stare at you all the time. It's like they want to ask you out or something and it bothers me a little bit too much.
I'm no one to say this, but please don't be in love with someone else.
Please don't have somebody waiting on you.
These words are being released out of my mind with the sole purpose of forgetting about them. (or at least to make them quiet in my head.)
I can't offer you much in this letter but one simple truth:
I began to love the color green without a reason. When I was eight, l realized it was my favorite color because I always chose it. And I know now, I opted for a green notebook that night because it unconsciously reminded me of your eyes.
I always choose you even when it comes to colors.
I love green the most because of your eyes. In this world there are a lot of shades of green but I can’t find anything more beautiful than the color of those eyes of yours.
With a little bit of honesty, Damian Desmond.