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Karma doesn't like it when Nagisa's sad.
He doesn't like it when he's hurt in general though, so his realization isn't much of a shock to him. There's something about the boy, a little bit too sweet, a little bit too polite and practiced in his speech that makes him seem a target. At first, when he meets him, he approaches him as just that, but now he just finds the things that he does pleasantly endearing.
Under the surface, that pretty presentation is marred by a hint of darkness, but Karma doesn't mind. It makes him interesting and makes that original idea he had of him even more impressive, if that was at all possible. The sheer fact that he manages to keep composed with what's bubbling underneath his skin perplexes Karma, because he's never needed to keep himself in check like that.
He taps his pencil on the desk in the midst of his musings, then looks up once more at the subject of his thoughts. Summer sunlight drifts in through open windows, playing against the classroom, gentle breeze lifting up the curls of Nagisa's hair. Karma finds himself lost in his gaze, watching the other boy as he drags his arm across his cheekbone for what must be the tenth time this lesson. Korosensei's preoccupation with other students has somehow, he assumes, left him too concerned with other matters to notice the tears dripping down the curve of Nagisa's cheek. As much as he doubts it, Karma realises too that he seems to be the only one seeing Nagisa crying. Not even Kaede has turned to ask what's wrong.
He'd ask why, but he knows that if he brings attention to it Nagisa would more than likely not want to discuss it with the entire class. So, as the afternoon fades into evening and the bell rings somewhere in the distance, Karma stays watching him scribble and erase answers on his worksheet, those little jewels of tears glittering in his eyelashes.
Monday morning and there's blood underneath Nagisa's nose. Their classmates coo over it, asking what happened to him, why his nose is skewed at such an angle.
''Just a nosebleed,'' he says, placid, smiling nervously as he excuses himself to go wash off the blood. Karma's tempted to follow, but hangs back, instinct telling him not to get involved. Too many questions. He's not sure that Nagisa would even tell him the real reason for it. Gullible as ever, their fellows are drifting back to their seats as Karma watches Nagisa turn the corner. Something isn't right. Karma's stomach sinks a little as he recalls the shake in his friend's voice and feels somewhat angry as he pulls out his seat.
He cries again, later, during morning class. This time, Kaede offers him a tissue and a gentle smile; Nagisa takes it with a nod of the head, hurriedly brushing at his face. Cloudy skies mean that Karma can see every detail, now that Nagisa isn't silhouetted by the dying hues of sunset. The embarrassed flush creeping up the nape of his neck highlight his trembles, and Karma feels a string snap inside of him when Nagisa balls his fists up under the table.
Karma promises to himself that this time he'll catch him after classes, find out what's going on, but when the last bell rings again Nagisa is surrounded by too much happy chatter for him to interrupt. As they walk home together, his experience from the morning catches up to him, and he's about to mention it when he sees the content smile that pulls up Nagisa's lips when Karma so much as looks at him.
He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again.
''What is it, Karma? Cat got your tongue?'' Nagisa laughs, a high, tinkly, pretty thing of a laugh. Karma forgets what he was going to say in favour of the heat that spreads across his cheeks in response. He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth.
''Oh, never mind,'' he says, tugging at the collar of his shirt to try and displace the sudden flush. ''Probably much too complicated for you to understand.'' Nagisa laughs once more, and Karma is left with a dead weight in his stomach as they part.
He's not sure how long he stays standing at the intersection trying not to think about how much it hurts when he sees Nagisa crying.
Over the next few months, Nagisa comes to school with worse and worse injuries. Each time, he passes them off as clumsiness; and in the classes afterwards, Karma watches in silence as he palms at his eyelids. Sometimes he doesn't even arrive in the mornings; hurried texts say that he just feels a bit under the weather and will come in late, but the misspellings make Karma worried. He begins to stop skipping classes to see if Nagisa'll be there, and when he isn't he just waits in worry until he steps through the door overflowing with apologies.
He wonders if there'll be a time when Nagisa just stops coming in completely.
By now, everyone knows that something's up. They skirt around the issue as if it isn't there, but sometimes one of them will let a question slip and Nagisa's gaze will skitter to the floor. ''I fell over,'' he'll mumble, when the leg of his pants pull up in P.E to display bloody knees. ''Just spilled water when I was making instant ramen,'' he'll suggest when someone notices the burn on his forearm. Eventually, his excuses began to sound so extensively contrived and awkward that more sensible classmates begin to shoot scathing glances at anybody who dares mention his injury of the day.
When Korosensei finally notices his outbursts, he takes him aside and talks to him in the teacher's office during lunch. Okuda's attempts at conversation hardly engage Karma like they would've a few months ago; now he just finds her questions boring as his thoughts drift to the concern all of E class share. He can almost feel how much everyone is straining to hear the discussion going on just a few rooms away.
''What do you think is going on?'' Okuda asks, looking up at him with wide eyes. He meets her gaze with an absent minded hum, then looks towards the door once more.
''Not sure.''
''Do you think he's being bullied?''
Bullied? Karma almost laughs out loud. Nagisa could easily overcome any 'bullies' their school had to offer. He knew that now; he'd known it ever since they first became friends. Nagisa was a lot more than his pretty-boy look made him seem. He bites his cheek to stop a mocking smirk from spreading over his face, then shakes his head.
''Doubt it.'' Karma realises he sounds much too brash when Okuda flinches beside him, so he tries to make up for it by awkwardly patting her on the shoulder. Girls have told him all about Okuda fancying him, and he doesn't want to make her feel bad about it. Even when his hand comes to rest, the tiny smile that he catches out of the corner of his eye isn't particularly desirable to him, and the blush that spreads cherry-blossom pink over her cheeks doesn't make his heart jump or anything. He supposes it should, but he's never really... liked anyone that way. The only person who's ever made his heart 'stop' is Nagisa, but that's been true ever since they met. Karma isn't too sure whether that's normal, when he thinks about it, but just before he gets lost in his thoughts someone steps into the classroom.
Nagisa's back. Karma stiffens when he enters, and he snatches his hand back in shock when Nagisa cautiously lifts his head to offer a tired smile to the class. His eyes are red and puffy, and Karma can almost feel how much he's shaking even from the other side of the room.
''Hey, everyone. S-sorry I was... gone.''
When Nagisa's voice cracks, Karma feels something inside him break. Before he knows it, he's left Okuda behind to stride across the classroom, coming to a stop in front of his friend. Nagisa is staring down at his feet once more as the other members of E-Class look on; Karma notices Maehara open his mouth to say something before Isogai shushes him with a shake of his head. Nobody comes forward to comfort him, they just stand there like deer in the headlights. Jeez, does no-one care?
He pulls Nagisa into a hug without second thought, clutching the other boy's head to his chest in what he hopes is a calming manner. The trembles that he noticed earlier are so hard to endure now that he can feel them, 'cause each time he does it feels like an animal is tearing into his heart. He hates it when Nagisa cries, hates it so so much, because every time that he has to see him hurt it makes him want to destroy whoever that would dare make Nagisa feel like this.
As Nagisa begins to cry once more, muffled in the fabric of his shirt, he instinctively runs a hand through his hair. ''It's okay, it's okay,'' Karma murmurs, even though he knows it isn't. ''You'll be okay.'' There's no time for embarrassment, even though he knows the rest of the class are staring in shock. Karma isn't the type for physical contact at the best of times, so a display like this is almost inconceivable. Slowly, as Nagisa's sobs begin to fade, he draws back, hands lingering on his friend's shoulders.
''If you need to talk about anything, just tell me.'' Nagisa looks up at him with the same wide eyes Okuda had a few minutes before, but this time his heart does kinda jump. There's a tear in the corner of Nagisa's eye; he brushes it off with his thumb before he can stop himself, then lets go of him, self concious. His arms dangle, useless, at his sides.
''I will,'' Nagisa says, still meeting his gaze with startling intensity. That familiar flush heats Karma's cheeks and he coughs in his awkwardness. ''Don't worry.''
During afternoon classes, Karma notices a pure, innocent smile on the face usually troubled by tears; he too can't stop his mirrored smile as he watches him work. The tranquillity of that summer afternoon will soon be gone, he knows, but for now he basks in it. It's the first time that Nagisa has seemed so happy in classes for weeks, and the idea that he could manage to make even the most insignificant difference like that blossoms in Karma's chest.
He likes it when Nagisa's happy.
Sometimes Nagisa gets kept back after school. Karma waits outside, as always, looking up at the sky, wondering whether it will start raining as they walk home or not. He never carries an umbrella with him; hell, he hardly carries anything with him anyway, so he has to rely that Nagisa's preparation and hope that they won't get soaked.
''You alright?'' he asks, when Nagisa scurries back out, pulling out his umbrella. He doesn't answer and fiddles with the clasp instead, stepping out from underneath the overhanging roof to shake his umbrella out. As soon as it opens, fat drops begin falling from the sky. When Karma ducks underneath the offered shelter, Nagisa stops, and Karma realizes distantly that his knuckles are white with how hard he's clutching the handle.
''Karma...'' he murmurs, not meeting his eyes. ''Maybe we should stop walking home together.''
Huh? What? Karma flinches involuntarily. ''Why?''
''It's weird, isn't it? Everyone else who walks home together is either with their crush or their best friends. We're neither of those, are we? I've never even been to your house before.''
Karma can't stop himself from laughing out loud, but wishes he didn't when Nagisa shakes his head slowly. ''You've never asked to, though.''
Nagisa doesn't answer for a moment, just absently pushes at the gravel with his feet. ''Look, I just don't know if I want to be around you anymore.''
Oh.
He's not sure how he feels about that.
''I don't dislike you or anything, but ever since that... thing you did in class a while back, I've been getting shit from Terasaka. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff and maybe it would just be better for us to stay apart. You can be really clingy, you know?''
The apologetic smile Nagisa offers does nothing to quell Karma's sinking stomach.
''I'll... be going, now.''
Karma is left standing in the rain, water trailing down the back of his neck, staring in shock at Nagisa's back as he picks his way down the path to town. His mind is swimming in confusion. If Nagisa is getting bullied by someone as dim as Terasaka, something seriously fucked up must be going on with him.
The Nagisa he knows would never stoop as low as to be hurt by comments like that.
Plus, clingy ? He's flooded with a feeling of awkwardness when he realises this is probably how it feels to get rejected. Hadn't he just been acting normally? As well as that, Nagisa had always seemed pretty happy when they'd talked or walked home together; he'd go far enough to say that Nagisa could be pretty clingy, too.
Maybe he'd just been imagining those 'accidental' touches and flushed cheeks that Nagisa always seemed to have whenever they were alone together.
He doesn't realise how soaking his clothes have gotten when he finally gets home half an hour later; he just collapses on his bed and stares up at the ceiling, counting the tiles and wondering where and how he managed to fuck up.
He hasn't talked to Nagisa for weeks. Kaede, in contrast, always seems to be with him, sharing conversations, lunch and whispered secrets. Nagisa doesn't seem at all involved with it, though, and much too often Karma catches him staring blankly out of the window.
When he walks home, he stops out of habit at the intersection, wondering distantly if Nagisa will step out from his house and greet him like he used to do every morning.
These days, Nagisa always seems to be crying. By now, nobody even mentions it; they've all started to get bored with it as if it's old gossip. He comes in with a black eye one day and they hardly give it a second glance. During lessons, when Nagisa has to bury his face in his hands to stop himself from yelling in anguish, Karma still feels that familiar twinge in his chest, as painful as always.
In the evenings, he keeps thinking about how soft Nagisa's hair is and how pretty his eyes are and how he tucks his hair behind his ears when he's about to start crying and- oh god, oh god- he has to bury his face in his pillow to stop himself from screaming with the stress of it all. He's never felt like this, never felt so damn connected to what someone thinks about him.
It's pathetic. Utterly and totally pathetic.
He gets yelled at for wasting the electricity bill by staying up all night wondering why his chest hurts so much when he thinks about him.
''I love you.''
The words feel foreign, stuffy in his mouth. He can't even meet his own eyes; he glances away from the mirror and decides to take interest in his shoes instead. Unconsciously, he brings his hand to his cheeks, and pulls it away as soon as he feels how hot they are.
Has it really come to this?
A few contemplative paces across his room lead him to fall back onto his duvet. Karma closes his eyes and breathes in and out, trying to calm down. He doesn't like the buzz he gets when he says it, but he likes it at the same time, so just to make sure he repeats it again.
''I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.''
Maybe he just likes to imagine that Nagisa is there, listening to him. Maybe the way his heart clenches is result of imagining Nagisa saying it back to him, then kissing him and holding him and touching him and on and on and on like the way Karma repeats the words to himself as if to consolidate the knowledge that he'll never get to say it to him.
Guilt overcomes him. He shouldn't even be thinking this. Nagisa basically told him that he doesn't want to be friends anymore, but there's always this unquenchable glimmer of hope in Karma's chest whenever he notices Nagisa looking at him.
He's scared, too, because Nagisa doesn't cry anymore.
It's a lot worse than seeing him crying, because all he does is stare at his desk and scribble in answers.
He hates himself for being caught up in his own feelings when Nagisa obviously feels way, way worse.
''Hey, Nagisa? It's Karma.''
Autumn is fading into winter, the dappled orange-red of leaves now grey with death and frosted in the cold. He taps his heel idly against the floor, prepares himself to speak again.
''Look, I'm sorry. You haven't come to school for days. I miss you.''
He tugs on the collar of his coat, gaze flickering to his door.
''I'm... going to come over, okay? I know you probably have my number blocked or whatever, but if you don't, there's your warning.''
He's already unlatching the lock on the entryway, ready to step outside into the cool breeze of the evening.
''I wish you didn't hate me, that's all.''
A beep in his ear announces that his allotted time to say his message is up, and he's glad because he doesn't know what other shit he would've spouted if he'd been left to ramble on for any longer.
''Karma, what are you talking about?'' Nagisa looks up at him with a shaky smile, one hand wrapped around the light post and the other at his side; Karma wants to take it in his own and interlock their fingers together. ''Why would I hate you?''
''Well, you've been ignoring me, and I just thought...'' He wants to laugh at how ridiculous it is; that he's the one being consoled instead of the boy who's been skipping school for the past week. ''Look, never mind. I guess I'm not as clever as I believed.'' Karma smirks, but falters when Nagisa's nervous expression doesn't change. The dress he's wearing flaps gently in the wind, and Nagisa grabs onto it to keep it down, face flushing in embarrassment.
''Karma?''
''Yeah?''
''Can I come over?''
''Sure. I'd- I'd like that.''
Nagisa tells him everything in the confines of his room, swaddled in blankets. Karma listens in shock, and when Nagisa begins to cry he doesn't hesitate to hold his hands and clutch him tightly.
He's cooped up by his mother, he says, forced to do all of this shit and he can't talk about it because it's so embarrassing and disgusting and he thinks that everyone would hate him if anyone else knew. It all comes tumbling out like a waterfall.
''The... the punches and shoves and all that weren't even the worst thing,'' he murmurs. ''She found out about you and... she...''
Beat.
''She... she went through my room, she took all of my clothes and burnt them, told me I was sick and fucked up in the head and the only way I could redeem myself was to stop refusing and just be a good little... girl. That's why I haven't been at school.''
Karma hisses in a breath, chest swelling with anger. ''I hate her. I fucking hate her,'' he says. ''You don't deserve to be treated like that.''
''I guess.''
''Do you want to borrow my clothes?''
''Okay.''
''What did you mean by... finding out about me?''
Nagisa looks up at him, face edged in blue from the alarm clock flashing 2.11AM, 2.11AM.
''I thought you would've guessed.'' He laughs, the first time Karma's heard him laugh since that time at the intersection so many months ago. ''I'm in love with you.'' He says it so simply and without wavering that Karma takes it as a joke, at first, but the clarity in Nagisa's tone changes his mind. ''You know when I told you not to walk home with me anymore? I was just scared of my feelings, I think. Denial. That Terasaka thing was an excuse.''
Karma thinks it's okay to kiss him, so he does, flushing when he hears Nagisa giggle against his mouth.
''I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it,'' Nagisa says, a few hurried kisses later, and Karma shakes his head.
''Don't apologise for that.''
When it rains, Nagisa always thinks of Karma. He couldn't explain it if he tried. The same is true with a lot of things; clouds, sun, snowy mornings spent exchanging hurried butterfly kisses on the way to school. Maybe it's just weather in general that reminds him of Karma, ever-changeable and beautiful in any form it takes. He doesn't have to come to school with bruises anymore, at least.
Karma took care of that, as he has done with a lot of things that used to trouble him.
''I love you,'' Nagisa tells him, as they stand watching the rain fall over the town, and when Karma replies in kind he can't stop the bubbling feeling in his chest.
Nagisa has always loved it when Karma smiles.