Chapter Text
The ear splitting echo, the white static noise, the heartbeats ricocheting in his head, the loud silence, as these three words were muttered were all too much to bear.
Neil is dead.
The boy with the pretty lies and those blue, blue eyes that like the ocean could sink ships and drown even the best swimmer, the boy who said yes, who asked for a yes, who didn’t seem to know when to keep his mouth shut, a pipe dream, was dead.
Andrew felt his lungs fill with water. He felt the screams reaching his throat, burning it, but he swallowed them all down. Andrew Minyard didn’t cry. He’d stopped years ago when he realised there was no point in tears. No one cared. In this moment however, Andrew felt his eyes sting and he saw his surroundings blurring. People around him were talking, some were crying, or maybe not. Andrew wasn’t sure. He blinked once, twice, three times, and his vision cleared.
Thank you. You were amazing.
These simple words wouldn’t leave his mind. Neil’s last words to him. His goodbye. Because Neil knew. He’d known they were coming to get him. He knew when he asked off their deal. He knew these would be his last words and he chose them carefully.
A thank you. One Andrew didn’t know he needed to hear, up till then. No one had ever thought of thanking Andrew, ever. Not when he protected them, not when he saved them, not ever. But Neil did. And he wasn’t just thanking him for the game. He had meant thanks for everything. All the stolen kisses, the keys on the chain, the mutual trust so easily broken, the truths exchanged.
You were amazing. And how dare he? How dare he call Andrew amazing and then leave? Just like everybody else had done. Leave him with new open wounds incapable of healing. Leave him bleeding raw with scars running deeper than any seabed. How dare he look him in the eyes with such fondness and sincerity as he uttered those words? How dare he actually mean them? Truly and fully believe them?
Andrew wanted to tear his hair out like Achilleas had once done. He wanted to drag whoever was responsible for Neil’s downfall till their bodies were no more. He wanted to set the world on fire and burn down with it. Tear down everyone and anyone who got in his path with his bare hands.
Andrew didn’t believe in revenge. But he wanted to avenge Neil. Andrew also didn’t believe in regret. But he would turn back time in a single heartbeat just to ask Neil to stay, not let him leave. Andrew hated Neil. He really did. He hated how Neil looked at him like there was no one else in the world, he hated Neil’s lies, his truths too, he hated his blue, blue eyes, his smile, his hair. But most of all Andrew hated the way he didn’t really hate him. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.
“Neil Josten isn’t a real person.” One of the officers said and Andrew looked up at the sound of Neil’s name. Matt and Dan, who both had dried tears in their cheeks, shot each other questioning looks.
Nicky was the one who asked the question. “What do you mean?”
“Nathaniel Wesninski. The son of Nathan Wesninski, the butcher of Baltimore.” The cop began and Andrew was brought back to an airport.
"Nathan," he had said at last. "His name was Nathan."
"You don't look like a Nathan."
"I'm not," Neil had said then. "I'm Nathaniel."
And the final pieces of the puzzle finally clicked into place.
Andrew didn’t leave his room. He didn’t see a point in doing so. There was nothing worth it out there anymore.
Anymore.
The plain fact that there wasn’t anything anymore was enough for Andrew’s self-hatred to kick in. Because Neil was always supposed to be nothing. He had thought that if he kept telling himself so, eventually he’d believe it. He couldn’t have been more wrong.
There’s no this. This is nothing.
The problem was that it had always been something. It was way past attraction. It was feelings Andrew didn’t know he was capable of feeling.
The bed was cold and so was Andrew. The room was empty, quiet. The door was locked. Andrew hadn’t slept in the past three days. He hadn’t eaten anything, hadn’t showered. He was just so tired. It was difficult to breathe, to move, to talk. The bed was sucking him in, keeping him trapped. His limbs felt too heavy to lift, his mouth too dry to open. His mind was running in circles not stopping for a second to catch a break. His thoughts were a slow, painful crawl torturing him endlessly.
There was a knock on the door. Andrew knew who it was before he even spoke. “Hey, Andrew.” Nicky said. “Are you still alive in there?”
Andrew was alive. His heart was still beating, his brain was still functioning and his lungs were still working. But Andrew felt far from alive. He felt like a living corpse, a ghost stuck haunting this house. There was a tiny fragile line separating the living and the dead. Andrew had finally broken it. And now he was floating around, a silver shadow, an ash from the burning scarlet fire named Neil. What a ghostly scene.
Neil had aimed for his heart, without meaning to, he’d gone for blood and he had reached his bones. Andrew was left with a pair of keys and cursing his name, trying to bury the remains of his woefully perfect memory. Sleepless night, after sleepless night, he still held his hidden knives, frozen in time waiting for a new fight to give meaning to his life.
Andrew heard noise from the other side of the door and a second later the door burst open and Kevin burgled in. “What the fuck, Andrew?” He yelled frustrated.
Andrew paid him no mind, just staring blankly at him waiting for him to snap. Kevin was fuming, his face was red, his hair unusually messy. “I can’t understand why you’re acting like this. I thought you hated Neil.”
Oh and Andrew did. He still does. He hates Neil with a burning passion capable of setting fire on the planet, on the whole galaxy, and all the others. Neil had painted his darkest sky blue, with those blue, blue eyes and then left him to deal with the grey clouds on his own. He’d figured out the password by himself so Andrew let him in the door, only for the walls to be built up higher than ever. The only one. Neil was dead so what’s the rest of the story for?
Kevin wouldn’t shut up though, not caring about Andrew not answering. “Neil may be gone but we still have practice at least, you know. There’s–Neil would want–” But his words were cut off by a tear streaming down his face. A single tear falling.
Andrew was up before he knew it. His hand automatically reached for his blade and Kevin had no time to move before Andrew had him pinned to the wall with a knife to his stomach. “Don’t ever talk about Neil in front of me again. I don’t care about your stupid fucking practice, or this stupid game, or anything. Understood?” Andrew demanded, his voice harsh.
Kevin only nodded and Andrew relaxed his grip on his knife. If any of them noticed how his arm was shaking they didn’t mention it. “Good. Now get out of my sight and don’t ever come in here without my permission again.” Andrew slightly pressed the blade into Kevin’s side to get his point across, drawing a droplet of blood and staining his shirt before letting go.
Kevin was quickly out of his sight and the door was locked once again. Andrew laid back down and let the darkness envelop him into a pit deeper than the depths of tartarus.
It was a month later when Andrew finally talked about Neil again. He didn’t really want to, but Bee was persuasive and Andrew trusted her. She knew about him and Neil anyway.
“I think it’s time, Andrew.” She told him one day.
Things were still delicate. Past the blood and the bruises, past the curses and cries Andrew was slowly healing. Breathing still hurt, getting out of bed was an uphill struggle, the food wouldn’t go down and if it did it would soon be emptied into the toilet. But Andrew was getting better. He had to. He was. He was trying. He really, really was.
However, everytime he would let his eyes close he was being haunted by the memories. Blue eyes flashed behind his eyelids, sharp smiles, auburn hair. All of their moments had become weapons pointing at his deepest hurt.
The hell Andrew was going through now felt like a punishment for the few months of heaven he’d experienced after years of suffering. Most of all Andrew was confused as to why it hurt so bad. He had been dragged through real hell and back. This shouldn’t even compare. This was supposed to be easy.
“Neil is dead.” And it was the first time he had let out these words. The first time he’d said them out loud.
Bee leaned back against her chair and her eyes softened slightly. “Yes, he is. Can you tell me how that makes you feel?” She picked up her cup of hot chocolate and Andrew followed her lead and took a sip. Almost immediately, he felt nauseous. He placed the cup back down and slowly exhaled.
The one thing that made him comfortable around Bee was the way she always asked. Never demanded, never pushed further than she should, always respected his boundaries. It wasn’t much but it surely was enough.
“It was expected, wasn’t it?” He asked instead of answering the question. “I should have expected it. Neil is stupid. Of course he went and got himself killed.” After a small pause he corrected himself. “Was.”
It was the truth. He knew it would happen eventually. So why, oh why, did it come as such a surprise? Why was the pain so excruciating? Why did it feel like a dagger to the heart that wouldn’t stop twisting, and twisting, and twisting? Why couldn’t Andrew remove the blade and break free from these chains?
“Death can surprise even the best of us. It is always unexpected even when expected. That’s why it’s so tragic.”
“It shouldn’t matter. He shouldn't matter.” Andrew wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. Bee or himself.
Bee, though, only hummed and took another sip of her chocolate, her eyes trained on Andrew. “But he does. He did and he still does. And that’s okay, Andrew. It’s–”
But Andrew cut her off. “No it’s not okay. How can it be okay when he’s gone? Another person, gone. And me staying behind.” He raised his voice, desperately trying to make her understand that none of this was okay.
Nothing would ever be okay again. Not when it felt like a piece of his soul was missing. Not when there was this empty bed with the sheets tucked in and the pillow cold to the touch. Not when Neil saw his scars, his struggles but didn’t look at him with pity, didn’t push him away, didn’t call him a monster. Neil was like a bloodstain. Unmovable, permanent.
“You’re right.” Bee said with kind eyes. “It’s not okay. You are not okay. But you will be.”
Andrew shook his head. It was the most motion his body had been in all day. It felt too exhausting to move. Too pointless. Time could heal but this won’t. Neil would always linger like a tattoo kiss in the back of his mind, haunting his past, his present, his future. Always there. At least Andrew wouldn’t be so alone. He’d have Neil’s ghost to keep him company.
“If you could turn back time, would you?” Renee asked, breaking the peaceful silence.
Andrew didn’t stop to think. “No.”
Renee lifted one eyebrow as if to question him but Andrew looked away and didn’t offer any explanation. Renee accepted that. “I’d do it for you then.” She simply said but Andrew kept his eyes on the horizon.
Three months had slipped by but not much had changed. Andrew was more closed off than ever, only talking to Bee and Renee completely ignoring everyone else. The pain had gone numb. Andrew didn’t feel anything anymore. He wouldn’t let himself. He was left with no choice but to stay there, frozen in time. His soul was a house without furniture, lonesome, empty. Everything seemed petty, pointless.
“I think Kevin has stopped trying to blow his arms off in practice. He’s finally cutting himself some slack.” Renee provided.
Andrew didn’t care.
The sky was filled with black clouds. The air smelled like fresh rain on the pavement. Andrew lit a cigarette and watched the smoke fly around in pretty circles. “It’s going to rain.” He said, voice emotionless.
Renee sighed next to him and uncrossed her legs, sitting up straighter than before. “Nicky was talking about going to Germany next Christmas to see Erik. You and Aaron are inveted.”
Andrew only nodded, showing he was listening. Maybe he’d be dead by then. It was too early to make plans.
“Matt wants to propose to Dan after they graduate. He’s looking for a ring and everything. Allison and I are helping him.” She added after the silence got too loud again.
Andrew really couldn’t care less.
“I asked Allison out.” After a quick pause, “she said yes.”
Andrew only hummed in acknowledgement. It was bound to happen at some point.
Everybody moved on. Andrew stayed there. Dust collected on his blonde hair, staring at the sky, barely living. The first drop of rain splashed on Andrew’s bair arm. Time was a mysterious thing. At times it went by fast, slipping through your fingers like the wind. Other times it crawled around like a wounded man. In this case, time went on for everybody else except Andrew.
“You’ll find what you’re looking for, Andrew.” Renee whispered. “Don’t give up.” And then she supported her weight in her arms and got up. She shot him one last sad look and then she disappeared inside.
Andrew’s expression didn’t flater. He stood there, still gazing upon the horizon, lit another cigarette and looked down from the roof. A few months ago he’d felt the thrill of the fear. The fear of the fall. Now he felt absolutely nothing.
Renee was wrong. Andrew had found what he was looking for. And he’d lost it. He had already given up.