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The dream starts simple, with a much younger Jay standing, holding a gun- a scene the ginger was far to familiar with. Her hands shake, but larger ones keep them as steady as they can as it points at a target; a stuffed rag doll fixed to a wooden post.
The doll had brown hair, blue eyes, and a dress that had definitely seen better days- a telltale sign that this doll was well loved. However, the owner that loved the doll so was holding a gun to it, albeit not by her own choice.
A gruff voice speaks from behind her. "Y'know what we do when we things distract us, right?"
She simply whines in response, trying to pull her hands away from the pistol. Her father, however, would never allow it, keeping her hands firmly on the grip of the gun and her finger directly on the trigger.
"We get rid of them. Now do it." She just whines again, shaking more. Her father sighs, grumbling.
"Just fucking shoot it, Jay! It's for the best!" She just shakes more, trying to steady her hands. The man behind her smirks. "If you don't focus, you'll be a failure.. that damn doll is distracting you.. you don't wanna be a failure, do you, Jay-Jay?"
That sentence is what pushes Jay over the edge. She pulls the trigger, wincing and closing her eyes at the pop of the gun shooting.
Her ears ring as she feels the hands on hers fade away. She opens her eyes, expecting to see the tattered remains of the doll, but she's instead met with a horrifying yet familiar scene.
Gillion with an arrow directly in his sternum as he rests his head in Chip's lap. Both have tears streaming down their faces. She's quick to push away the familiar wave of regret that comes as she stares at one of her closest friends (one that she promised she wouldn't get attached to, a friendship she promised herself was just an act, at least on her side) with blood spilling from his chest and mouth as he holds the wound firmly, likely in an attempt to ease the pain.
As she watches, she hears the pained voice of Gil, still somehow almost as boisterous as ever as he speaks.
"You're choice is your own, Jay.. and... sincerely.. I hope it was worth it.."
She watches as he goes limp, feeling the familiar sting of tears in her eyes but refusing to let them fall.
She can hear the others. The angry, disgusted shouts of Chip and the praise of her father. Though, she can't hear them, can she? All she hears is muffled speech as she stares at the triton a few feet before her
She sighs, looking to Chip and noticing a faint orange hue. She considers something for a bit before shakily speaking. "You wanna know my secret so bad, Chip?" She watches at his anger gains a tint of curiosity. She continues, barely able to hold back the tears. "I-I was using you... from the beginning.."
She sees the hurt on his face and can hear it in his voice when he shakily talks. "Wh-What do you mean..? Using me..?"
She sighs deeply, trying to maintain her composure as she stares him down. "I just wanted to get closer.. closer to whoever killed my sister- I did whatever I could- I convinced the Navy to let me go undercover.. you just happened to be there.." She pauses, seeing the hurt expression few people have seen, often reserved for the cruelest of mankind. Suddenly, she can't hold back the tears and she feels them cascading down her cheeks. "I was using you.."
He deeply inhales, looking down at Gillion. "So all this.. everything that's happened.."
"It meant n-nothing to me.." She'd tries to hold down her sobs, though one managed to escape in the middle of her sentence. It's then that she sees the faint smile on Chips face, the kind he gets when he has a 'plan' or a 'good idea'.
"I don't believe that."
In both situations, she's left thinking, 'I wish mom was here.. I wish Ava was here.. they never would've let this happen.'
As she jolts awake, she notices that it's still very much late at night and her crewmates are still asleep, safe in their bunks. Haunted by the dream, she finds herself unable to fall back asleep as she simply stares at her blanket with a blank expression, pondering just how weak she is compared to her family and waiting for the sun to rise.