Work Text:
Felix stared at the opened file on his computer screen. He couldn’t really see it anymore, his eyes were having a hard time focusing on anything, but he needed to finish it by tonight. But he couldn’t get himself to write a word. The anxiety he was feeling was consuming him whole, he wasn’t able to gather his thoughts and his chest was physically hurting, as if there was something incredibly heavy on it and he couldn’t properly breathe. Sometimes the anxiety was so bad it left him hyperventilating on the floor with a minor panic attack. He sighed and buried his face in his hands, leaning on the table. He felt like he was on the verge of crying but the tears just refused to come. He was so exhausted.
After months and months of online school, Felix was hitting the rock bottom. At first, online classes had been kind of exciting, not having to leave the apartment and waste time on public transports and just being able to be home all the time. But as time passed, it wasn’t fun anymore. Felix wished so bad to be able to get up in the morning and travel 30 minutes to the university and sit in class with everyone.
Felix couldn’t say he had ever been that good at managing his studies, he was prone to procrastinate, but going to the university library to study helped him a lot since it meant he usually didn’t have to study that much at home anymore. But now that he was home all the time, the lines between school and free time were a blur and he felt like he needed to study constantly. Which in turn made him procrastinate even more and caused his anxiety to spike, and he often ended up thinking about his assignments the whole day without actually getting anything done. It was an endless cycle and he felt like he couldn’t relax at all anymore. He desperately needed the structure physical classes and lectures offered him.
It had never been this bad, though. He had too many assignments and projects piled up because he just hadn’t been able to get them done. Deadlines were looming over him, and he just didn’t have enough time to finish anything anymore. Which is why he hadn’t slept in two days now, using every available hour to finish as much as possible. Turns out, staying up for hours on end didn’t improve his productivity. His anxiety was high and his whole body was hurting, he had lost his appetite and the amount of coffee he had consumed left him a jittering mess. He didn’t even like coffee!
Deciding to take a break to use the bathroom and fill his water bottle, he left the room. Two of his roommates, Hyunjin and Seungmin, were in the kitchen. Hyunjin was sitting at the island and Seungmin was making ramen on the stove, both turned to look at him when Felix walked in. Felix was glad he had roommates, so that he didn’t have to be alone in his social distancing and online school misery. Though, Felix did see his boyfriend quite often too even if they didn’t live together.
He greeted his friends and quickly filled his water bottle. He had been trying to seem normal the past days, not wanting them to see how much he was struggling and worry them. He tried to be quiet during the nights and seem energetic during the days when he left his room. There had been a few close calls but no one had really questioned him yet, so he called it a success.
-
“He looks terrible,” Hyunjin said as they watched Felix shuffle to the bathroom. Seungmin hummed in agreement and placed the pot of ramen on the counter. Hyunjin could see Felix’s red eyes, the dark circles under them, his unfocused gaze and trembling hands too clearly.
“I don’t think he’s been sleeping… At all,” Seungmin said and Hyunjin nodded. He had bumped into Felix at five o’clock that morning, Hyunjin himself had just gotten up for his shift at the 24/7 store down the street and Felix had said he had woken up to use the bathroom. Hyunjin had accepted the explanation but he had been able to tell Felix had not been sleeping, from his face and from the open computer on his desk and all the lights on in his room.
But that encounter wasn’t the only thing worrying them. Only one glance at Felix and they could tell something was wrong, he looked exhausted, like all the energy had been sucked out of him. On top of that, he had been holed up in his room the past few days, which was very unusual for him. Felix was very social and cuddly, he usually liked to spend a lot of time with his roommates and thrived on physical contact.
Hyunjin frowned as Seungmin recalled how he had found Felix hyperventilating the previous day. He had gone to Felix’s room after sorting out the laundry and Felix had been laying on the floor gasping for breath. After helping him through the panic attack Seungmin hadn’t wanted to pry too much but had asked if Felix wanted to talk about it. Felix had just brushed it off.
“We should talk to him,” Seungmin said between the bites of ramen. Hyunjin nodded, something should be done before it got worse.
They didn’t have a chance to discuss further as they heard the front door open and Jisung talking. They glanced at each other, wondering who Jisung had brought home with him. Soon enough their roommate walked in the kitchen with Chan in tow. He was Felix’s boyfriend and their friend.
“I brought hyung along, said he wanted to come see Lix,” Jisung explained as they greeted each other.
“We haven’t seen since last week and… Well, he’s worrying me,” Chan said and Hyunjin shot a look at Seungmin.
“I get that… We were just talking about him,” Seungmin said and they explained Felix’s worrying appearance and behavior. Jisung was nodding, agreeing with their observations, he himself had had a few strange encounters with Felix, as well.
“Doesn’t sound good,” Chan frowned. “We haven’t facetimed in a few days but he’s been really off over text, too. I kinda wanted to come check on him because of that, to see how he’s doing,” he added.
-
After his bathroom break, Felix was back sitting at his desk. He was so tired his eyes were barely staying open, he couldn’t possibly get anything done anymore but the deadline for his essay was in just a few hours. He took a deep breath as anxiety squeezed his chest even harder. Determined to get something written, he started typing. It was a slow process as his thoughts were a mess and he was barely able to produce coherent sentences.
The amount of text he was able to write before stopping again was pitiful. He slumped down on the chair and closed his eyes, he just wanted to… Stop? Not exist?
The feeling of being a failure was too familiar to him, it seemed like everyone else around him was doing well, whereas he himself felt like drowning all the time. How did everyone else do it? Make it seem so easy? When he was barely finishing tasks in time and feeling out of the loop constantly.
Sometimes his borderline suicidal thoughts scared him. He didn’t want to die, no, but the current situation had driven him to think how much easier it would be to just give up. If he… Wasn’t alive, he wouldn’t have to live in this constant state of anxiety and stay up days and nights trying to finish everything in time.
He shook his head. One day, all this would be over and he’d be happy to have survived.
He stood up and took a deep breath, trying to ease the knot in his chest, when there was a startling knock on his door.
“Yeah?” he called and turned around.
He was definitely not expecting his boyfriend to walk in, but there he was. Chan closed the door behind him and looked at Felix with concern.
“Hi, Lix. I decided to drop by to see how you’re doing,” Chan said and offered Felix a hug. Felix accepted it, of course, and once he had his arms around Chan, he didn’t want to let go. Just having Chan there, next to him, brought him comfort.
“Hyunjin, Jisung and Seungmin are worried about you… And so am I,” Chan said quietly, and Felix stiffened. He cleared his throat before speaking.
“Why? I’m fine,” he said, pulling back from the hug. Chan was frowning and pulled him to sit on the edge of the bed.
“Are you? You look tired… And they said you haven’t been sleeping,” Chan said and ran his thumb under Felix’s eyes. Felix wanted to sob, Chan was so comforting, and he just wanted to fall asleep in his arms. But he couldn’t show how he was struggling.
“I’m fine…” Felix said, drifting off not knowing what else to say. Chan was holding his hands and looking at him with such soft eyes Felix wanted to spill everything.
But the doubts were swirling in his head. What would Chan think? Would he think badly of Felix? Would he even understand? Would he think Felix was a failure? When everyone else was doing well and Felix failing to finish his tasks on time even though he’s had weeks to complete them. He was ashamed to admit he wasn’t doing well. How would he manage in the real world, after graduation, when this was enough to make him fall?
He was embarrassed, he had days to finish simple essays but he got absolutely nothing done.
The anxiety overwhelmed him again. His heart was pounding, and his chest hurt.
“Baby, breathe. Everything’s fine, just breathe,” Felix suddenly heard Chan speaking. There was pressure on his hands, Chan was squeezing them harder, and it was somehow grounding him. He opened his mouth and let out an ugly gasp, remembering to breathe again. His eyes refocused and he looked straight at Chan, it was enough for him to finally burst into tears.
Once the sobs started, there was no stopping them. Chan pulled him closer, trying to wipe the tears away as they came, but it was no use. Felix buried his face onto Chan’s neck and threw his right leg over Chan’s legs, positioning himself right onto his lap. He felt Chan wrap his arms around his waist as Felix himself wrapped his arms around Chan’s neck.
The tears seemed to be neverending. Every time he managed to calm himself down a little, his mind decided to remind him of the amount of work he was supposed to be doing, that he didn’t deserve this comfort, and he was back to sobbing. He tried to just focus on Chan’s soothing presence, he was rubbing Felix’s back with long strokes and swaying them from side to side slowly.
In the end, Felix tired himself out and just laid limp on Chan’s lap, cheek squished on his shoulder and sniffling every now and then. Chan was calling for Jisung but Felix couldn’t focus on the words, the sleep deprivation was hitting him hard and he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.
He didn’t have time to fall asleep, though, as Chan suddenly moved them. He pulled Felix back a little so that they were facing each other. Jisung walked in the room and handed Chan some tissues before looking at Felix, he gave him a comforting smile and squeezed his shoulder.
“We’re all here for you,” he said quietly before leaving the two of them alone again.
-
Felix blew his nose and wiped the tears with the tissues before they sat themselves more comfortably on the bed, facing each other.
“Felix, what’s going on?” Chan asked gently and Felix knew there was no way he could brush this off, not after his breakdown. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, which only made them sting more.
“It’s embarrassing and stupid,” he whispered and Chan shook his head.
“It’s not and I won’t judge you. I just want you to be okay and help in any way I can,” he said.
“I’m just… struggling so much,” Felix started, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. Chan didn’t say anything, letting Felix continue at his own pace, but he took Felix’s hand in his and held it tight.
Felix took a deep breath and spilled everything. Telling Chan how all the piled up assignments started stressing him out, how the coming deadlines made him stay up all night. How there was so much pressure and he was struggling to complete everything. Voice breaking, he told how he wouldn’t be able to submit everything in time as he didn’t have enough time to complete the assignments. He also told about how he felt ridiculous struggling so much when everyone else seemed to be doing fine.
Felix took a break to catch his breath before continuing to tell how his whole body was hurting from the lack of sleep and he couldn’t stop shaking, from anxiety and the amount of coffee he had consumed. Quietly, he even mentioned the multiple panic attacks and near suicidal thoughts, but he was quick to reassure he wouldn’t actually do anything.
In the end, Felix’s body was trembling even more than before. Chan was still holding his hand tightly and there was a deep frown on his face. Felix tried to swallow the lump in his throat. It was all out now and for a moment, he felt weirdly relieved.
“Oh, Lix, that’s definitely not embarrassing or stupid. And I understand you, the situation has not been easy for many people, and I know for a fact that you’re not the only one struggling, I’ve had my own hardships and I know many others who have, too,” Chan said, pulling Felix closer. Felix’s bottom lip was trembling as he was trying to hold back the tears. It was bizarre how much comfort it brought him to hear Chan say he understood, and that he wasn’t alone.
“But… But you never told me you were struggling,” Felix said, eyes brimming with tears. Chan smiled gently.
“I know, it’s just my insomnia. It gets a little out of hands sometimes and I don’t want to worry you, but I’ve had Changbin and Minho there to support me. And I’m here to support you, and so are Hyunjin, Jisung and Seungmin,” Chan spoke and wiped away the stray tears from Felix’s cheek.
“I want to be there to support you, too,” Felix whispered. “Of course, it’s up to you, but lean on me too when you need it,” he continued.
“Okay, I will,” Chan said quietly, not breaking the gentle atmosphere around them. Felix pulled him in a hug and squeezed him tightly.
“But now, I want to help you,” Chan said. “You’re not doing well, and you need help,” he continued gently and pulled away, Felix’s eyes flickered to his laptop on the desk.
“Firstly, you need to sleep-,” Chan started, and Felix immediately protested. As much as he’d love that, he really needed to finish his essay by midnight, which was only three hours away.
“I really can’t, I have a deadline at midnight,” he said, anxiety gripping his throat. Chan’s frown deepened.
“And how much do you still have to write to finish it?” he asked. Felix looked down at their hands.
“A lot?”
“What I suggest is, we email your teacher, asking for more time and then you’re just gonna sleep and tomorrow we’ll sort out your other deadlines as well. We’ll take things slow and make sure everything won’t overwhelm you at once,” Chan said.
At first, Felix was against it, he needed to submit the essay and it would be embarrassing to start begging for extra time when he already had had weeks. But eventually, he agreed, after really thinking it through. He could probably finish his current essay much better the next day than now in his very sleep deprived state. And he wouldn’t even be that late, he just wished his teacher had a little understanding. Chan was sure all his teachers would have, and it wouldn’t hurt to try emailing them. His teachers were really nice, so although he doubted they actually would extend the deadlines for him, he had a bit of hope.
They took a quick shower before getting ready for bed. Felix had turned off his computer, the lights were off in the room and soft piano music was coming from the speaker. The atmosphere was calm, relaxing. Felix was unable to relax fully but having the computer off for the first time in days felt relieving. They climbed into bed together, despite it only being nine in the evening. Felix knew he needed all the sleep he could get, and he was out like a light in only minutes.
-
Waking up the next day was disorienting, to say the least. His body felt stiff and head fuzzy. There was a warm presence behind him. Chan, he realized. He pressed himself tighter against him and heard Chan chuckle.
“You awake?” he asked, Felix turned around to face him.
“Yeah… What time is it?” he asked, his voice sounded rough after the night.
“Just past noon,” Chan answered and ran his fingers through Felix’s hair.
“No… I slept for over 15 hours?! Have you been here the whole time?”
“You needed it. And no, well, I’ve been in the apartment but not in your bed. I had a class earlier and then ate with Hyunjin,” Chan said and Felix nodded.
“What’s the plan for today?” Felix sighed. He really didn’t want this moment to end, he wanted to stay in Chan’s arms, buried in the blankets and pillows. Nothing could hurt them here. But anxiety was creeping up on him again, he had a lot of work to do.
“So, I think we should go about it like this…”
After using the bathroom and getting something to eat, they got to work. Felix was glad Chan was helping him, even if he wasn’t obligated to. They went course by course, listing all his assignments and deadlines, painting a cleared picture of what he needed to prioritize. Then he proceeded to email all the teachers whose deadlines were the closest, whose assignments he wasn’t sure he’d be able to submit in time. Some teachers were quick to reply, most being very understanding to his situation and happily extending the deadlines. He had written, with only a little detail, how he was struggling right now. He wasn’t comfortable with telling too much to them, still a little ashamed. But the positive replies made him happy.
Once everything was in order, he was relieved. Now he just needed to schedule his days well, prioritizing sleep and free time, too.
“You’ll text me or go to the others if it’s getting overwhelming again?” Chan asked and Felix nodded, he didn’t want this to get out of hand again.
“Do you think… The anxiety and stuff? Actual help?” Chan said, sounding unsure of how to ask.
“I don’t know… I think it’s just this situation that made it all bad. And I think it’ll get better now if everything starts to go smoothly,” Felix said. He didn’t think he needed professional help, everything had just gotten a little too much and now that he had a clear plan, it would hopefully get better.
“Okay. But just know that the university offers mental health services, and you should take advantage of that if needed,” Chan said, pressing a kiss on Felix’s forehead.
“I know.”
-
After Chan left, Felix got to work. His head was much clearer than the past few days and he was able to breeze through his essay, submitting it only one day late. He got started on his next one but didn’t stress about it too much since he the next day was fully dedicated to it.
Later that night, when Hyunjin, Jisung and Seungmin were all home, they had a cuddle pile in the living room. Some anime of Jisung’s choosing was playing on the TV, Felix only half paying attention to it. He was content squished between Jisung and Seungmin, feeling his energy recharging. Felix had talked with them, as well, and they had been very supportive.
The peaceful atmosphere shattered when Hyunjin got bored and started throwing popcorn at Seungmin.