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The knock on the door is a surprise, one that makes Bucky jump. No one knows where Bucky is and he’s been trying to keep it that way. Even the landlady doesn’t come up, Bucky puts the rent in an envelope and leaves it on her door, so the knock is concerning.
Edging over, Bucky keeps his gun aimed at the center of the door and eases it open. When he cracks it, Tony Stark stands, geared up in his Iron Man suit. Bucky drops the gun to the floor and opens the door, closing his eyes against the coming attack. He won’t fight this man, he can’t, guilt won’t let him.
Bucky killed his long-ago friend, Howard, and Tony’s mother, so this is just what he deserves. After a few seconds, when nothing happens, Bucky opens his eyes again and sees the face plate melt away. “Well, Barnes, I was ready to attack, but if you’re not going to fight me, then you must have, at least, part of your mind back.” Tony pushes forward, stepping into the small apartment, as the suit melts away into the chest plate. “We have a problem and no one else has been able to do anything, so you’re our last hope.”
“Where’s Steve?” Tony turns, smirking, like he knew that would be Bucky’s first question.
Going to the rickety table, Tony puts his phone down and taps the screen. A battle comes up and Bucky sees Steve fighting like always, with everything he’s got, but then something small, like a miniature missile, lands at Steve’s feet and explodes. The screen is filled with red, but through the mist, he can see Steve drop to the ground. Bucky leans heavily on the wall, holding himself up. He just watched Steve’s death and that’s why Tony is here and not Steve. “Wait for it.”
Bucky’s eyes shoot back up and he sees Steve dazed, staggering, looking around confused, then his eyes flash red and he starts attacking everyone. This isn’t Steve. This is some kind of joke because Steve would never do what this man on screen is doing. “What the hell is happening?”
Tony takes his glasses off, looking down at the floor. “He was hit with some kind of gas. I’ve analyzed it and it basically shuts down the orbital and ventromedial prefrontal cortex.” Bucky looks at Tony, face scrunched up, not understanding. “It controls moral behavior.” Tony shakes his head and taps the phone again. Bucky sees a smoking path of destruction. Cars thrown into walls, buildings with walls missing, people sitting on the sidewalk, head in their hands, bloody. “Before we were able to capture him, he did a lot of damage and hurt a few people. It took Thor and Hulk to subdue him.”
“What can I do?” Tony walks over to the window, pulling the newspaper down and staring at the roof of the building next door. This is weighing on the billionaire and that alone gives Bucky an idea of how bad this situation is.
“We don’t know if you can do anything, but we have to try. He doesn’t respond to anyone else, not even Wilson, so you’re our last hope to get through to him.” Tony doesn’t say more.
“Or?” He may not want to say it, but Bucky’s going to make him.
There’s a huff and Tony’s shoulders slump. “Or take him down. We have him at the Compound in the containment meant for Hulk. Whatever they did, it’s not wearing off.” Tony turns back around. “I told him once that I didn’t trust anyone that didn’t have a dark side.” Tony knows now that Steve does have a dark side, but this is something different. As long as Bucky stays away, knowing it’s best for everyone, they can continue to work together.
Bucky snorts and it’s anything but humorous. “Steve’s got a dark side worse than anyone I’ve ever known. The only thing that kept him alive when we were kids was his anger.”
“Then maybe you can help.” Bucky looks back at the screen. Steve’s sitting on a bunk, when he turns his head to the camera in the corner, his eyes are still red and he sneers. All the anger Steve’s held in his whole life is on display and it sends a chill down Bucky’s spine.
“Let’s go.”
Bucky learned, back with the Commandos, and when he was the Winter Soldier, that he should never go on a mission without knowing everything he can. That’s why he’s sitting in a conference room, going through the files and videos again. The rest of the team left, at least an hour ago, after telling him everything they could about that day. Now, he’s sitting with Dr. Banner, asking questions about the compound used on Steve.
“He was the intended target. This only makes sense if that’s the case.” Bruce watches Bucky work through the information and is impressed that his mind is quick, like Steve’s.
“That’s the same conclusion we came to as well. The problem is, these things usually wear off over time, but it’s been nearly a month.” Getting up, Bucky goes to the screen and touches the file with the analysis of the compound. After coming out of his Hydra programming, Bucky attacked base after base, learning as much as he could about what was done to him. He appreciates that Dr. Banner is well versed in the version of the serum that turned him into the Hulk, but he has no idea what was put into Bucky’s system, repeatedly, decades ago.
Bruce watches, wondering what Bucky’s looking for that they didn’t see. After going through each thing again, Bucky huffs. “JARVIS, can you bring up the Hydra files on the Winter Soldier project that I uploaded?”
‘Sargeant Barnes, what are the parameters of the search?’
“There’s an injection that they gave me before and after the chair. Can you bring up that compound and overlay it with what we have here?”
‘Of course, sir.’
Within seconds, JARVIS has done as asked and Bruce gets up, adjusting his glasses. “I’ll be damned.”
The compounds aren’t identical, but they are very close. “So, this made my brain susceptible to their suggestions and orders. It’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough to know who did this and why.”
“Why would they want to create a super soldier that will hurt anyone, anywhere?” Bucky turns to Bruce.
“I don’t think they did. I think they wanted to test what they had and Steve is the only super soldier they could draw out. Now, they’ll go back to the drawing board and tweak it to do what they actually want.” Bruce rubs his forehead and Bucky keeps staring at the screen. “The problem is that this Steve, he doesn’t have any of the filters, just the anger he’s always carried.”
Bruce shakes his head. “I don’t know about that. The Steve I know, he’s not angry.”
“Not everyone’s anger shows and Steve got really good at hiding it when we were kids. Unfortunately, it was always just below the surface. Worse still, it’s not anymore.” Bucky walks out of the room and asks JARVIS to guide him to the containment area. He has the information he needs to see Steve and try to work with what’s been done. Bucky’s pretty sure that this gas, it’s a permanent part of Steve now. What they have to figure out is if they can work around it.
Bucky stays in the shadows of the containment area. The guards stay at their post, but he can tell, they want to run. Each time Steve looks up at them, he can almost see them visibly shiver at the intensity of the gaze. They’ve all seen the video and know what this new Captain America wants to do to them. Bucky’s been here for nearly an hour, hoping to see something of Steve, but with all of his inhibitions gone, Steve’s rage is on the surface.
“You might as well come out of the darkness. I’ve known you’re there since you came in.” Steve’s voice is a low cadence that is new. There’s almost a growl to it, like when they were kids and Steve let his anger show. Bucky steps out of the shadows and into the light. Steve smirks, but it’s like looking at a shark. The most unsettling thing about him is the red eyes. Where blue used to dominate his face, there’s only red now. “Well, did they finally bring me a target worth the fight?” Steve stands, coming to the glass wall.
Bucky nods over at the guards and they exit the room. “No, they brought in someone that might be able to reach into that messed up brain of yours and bring you back out.”
Steve laughs, but it’s almost maniacal. “And if I don’t want that? What then, old friend?” The endearment drips with malice.
“Then, you stay locked up and we keep trying to figure out how to undo this.” Steve slams his hands on the clear wall, expecting Bucky to jump like the guards, but he stands his ground without flinching. “Really, Steve? That all you got?”
“Let me out and see what I’ve got.” It’s Bucky’s turn to laugh as he paces away to grab a chair.
“Sit down, asshole. We’re going to talk.” Bucky takes his seat and waits. Just like when they were kids, Steve doesn’t want anyone telling him what to do, so he just stands. Bucky shrugs, as if to say, ‘have it your way.’ Bucky crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in the chair. “I’m going to ask you some questions, and you’re going to answer them.”
“And if I don’t?” Steve sits on the edge of his bunk, glaring at Bucky, who grins because Steve’s always been so angry, but also pretty predictable.
“I’ll just keep asking until you’re ready to tear the walls down. As stubborn as you are, as angry as you are, you’ll eventually answer, if for no other reason than to shut me up.” Bucky smiles pleasantly and Steve growls deep in his chest. “Tell me what you remember when you got hit with the weapon.”
“Freedom.” Bucky’s not sure what he means at first. Narrowing his eyes, he puts himself into Steve’s skin, like he did when they were kids. Steve glares at him, daring him to ask for clarification, but Bucky comes to the answer on his own. If there’s one thing he knows, it’s Steve Rogers.
“So, all the anger you’ve been carrying since you were 100 pounds of nothin, was free.” Steve turns away, not wanting to admit that Bucky’s right, causing Bucky to grin. “’Bout time you had an outlet. You know, this team of yours, these Avengers, they didn’t even know how angry you’ve always been.”
“They aren’t my team.” It’s growled through clenched teeth and Bucky looks up at the camera, knowing that the Avengers are watching and wondering how they feel about Steve saying that. “They just follow me because Fury told them too. They don’t give a fuck about what happens to me, never did.”
Bucky knows they’re reacting to that, even if it’s to look guilty because Steve is probably right, on some level. “I always cared what happened to you.”
Looking back over, Steve’s eyes go blue, even get a little misty, then flare red again. “Yeah, if that was the case, you wouldn’t have left me on the bank of that river to die!” He’s standing again, beating on the enclosure. The enclosure shakes with the force behind the hits. Bucky tears up, knowing that Steve’s trying to hurt himself more than he’s trying to get out. “You never gave a damn about me!” And there it is. That’s the new anger he’s carrying. Something in Steve believes that Bucky’s always just humored him, not knowing that it wasn’t obligation that kept Bucky at Steve’s side.
Bucky stands, goes to the clear wall and puts his hand on it. Steve looks like he wants to rip Bucky to pieces and Bucky’s about ready to let him. “I left you knowing that Wilson would find you. I left you because I was like you are right now. I was angry at everything, especially you.” It’s hard to admit, but Bucky has to be honest or this isn’t going to work. He was angry at Steve for not coming for him after he fell. He was also angry that, after fighting Hydra for years, Steve still didn’t come. That’s in perspective now and Bucky understands his own feelings better. It’s part of the reason he hasn’t come to Steve sooner. Finding himself and working through that anger was necessary.
Steve’s voice comes out in an ear-splitting growl. “I didn’t do anything to you except try to save you!”
Bucky’s temper explodes out of him before he can stop himself. “Yeah! You bet, you tried to save me! After 70 fucking years of torture! Little too late at that point!” Hanging his head, Bucky knows he shouldn’t have said that as soon as it comes out. Truth is one thing, but punishment is another.
Steve freezes and something in him shifts because his eyes go blue again. “I didn’t know. Swear to god, Bucky, I didn’t know.”
As quickly as Bucky’s temper boiled over, it’s gone and he tears up. “I know, but at the time, I didn’t know where the anger was coming from. It was easy to blame you for not coming for me.”
Steve pulls the glove from his hand, placing his palm on the glass. “If I thought, even for a second, that you could have survived that fall, I would have come for you. I would have burned the world for you. You have to know that.”
Bucky hangs his head; not sure he should look at Steve. “I know, but only havin part of my memory back, I couldn’t take the chance that I would lash out at you.”
“And now?” Bucky does look up then and gives a smirk that he hasn’t worn in decades.
“Well, now, I had to come save your ass...again.” Steve rolls his eyes and Bucky gives a watery chuckle. “Are you back with me?”
There’s a miniscule ring of red around Steve’s iris, but mostly there’s only blue. “I’m not all the way, but I’m better.”
“Well, if it’s alright with you, I’m gonna stay down here with you. I don’t feel like my presence is welcome anywhere but here.” Steve nods and they sit and talk about all the things that should have been said before now.
“When you went off that train, god Bucky, nothin made sense anymore. If I’d known what they were doin, I woulda peeled Zola’s skin off until he told me where you were.” Bucky’s taken back by that, but has to remind himself that whatever the chemical is, it’s still in Steve’s system. The only thing he’s sure about is that Steve’s being completely honest through his anger.
“Yeah, I understand that.” He sits back in the chair again, having moved it closer to the glass. “And, honestly, I wasn’t kidding when I said you finally had an outlet for all that anger you’ve always had.”
There’s a sneering chuckle from Steve. “When I got the serum, I was terrified. Usually at night, when no one else was around. I never used all of my strength in anything we did then, or anything I do now, ‘cause I’m always afraid someone will die. Man, Buck, having that fear taken away and being able to just ransack everything...it felt good.”
Bucky closes his eyes, shaking his head. “Steve, if there’s anyone that’s going to understand that, it’s me. For god sakes, I’ve been angry since the helicarrier. When things came back to me, I didn’t understand them, I just ran. Then I spent months hunting down Hydra agents and killing them. The more I killed, the angrier I got.”
“Why?” Bucky huffs and hangs his head.
“’Cause, killing them didn’t really help me understand who I was before. It just made that guy, your Bucky, even further away.” Steve sits on the floor of the cell, staring at his friend.
“I wanted to kill them too. And I did, but nothin got me closer to figuring out why you left me.” Bucky tilts his head to the side, pulling his lips into a thin line.
“You know, I always knew you weren’t using all of your strength. I don’t know how I knew, but I did.” Steve shakes his head, not getting what Bucky’s trying to say. “I left you because I knew if I lost my mind again, you’d hafta use that strength to take me down and I didn’t want that to happen because you’d have to kill me.” Bucky gives Steve a sad smile. “I didn’t want you to ever hafta carry that guilt.”
Before the day is over, a bed has been brought in. Bucky leaves Steve and heads upstairs. At Steve’s insistence, he’s still locked up because he knows that there’s anger bubbling just below the surface. He knows that he could lash out and hurt someone. The only place he feels safe, is in the cell with Bucky close by, knowing the other man can subdue him if need be.
Bucky enters the kitchen and starts digging through the fridge for things that he and Steve can eat that’s high in protein. Natasha steps into the kitchen, leaning on the doorframe. “You think he’s really back?”
“Yeah, I do.” Bucky knows that someone else has joined them and from the footfalls, it’s Stark. “He’s going to stay in the cell for a few more days, but I’m staying down there with him, just in case.
“What did he mean when he said that we only follow him because of Fury?” Bucky turns to look Stark in the eyes.
“I think it’s pretty self-explanatory.” Natasha starts to speak, but Bucky hold up a hand. “Don’t try to argue the point, Widow. You and I both know how this works.” Tony looks confused, so Bucky turns to him again. He points at Natasha. “We follow orders until we see that the orders are invalid. It’s what Hydra trained us to do. She followed Steve because someone she truly trusts, told her to. It may be different now, but that’s how it started, so that’s what he believes to be the truth now.” Natasha doesn’t say anything and Bucky knows he’s right. Looking down at the floor, Bucky thinks about his next words carefully. “When Steve came out of the ice, and I’m just spit-balling here, but he found out that Howard’s son was someone that he was going to work with, I’m betting he was happy.” Bucky looks cautiously at Tony. “I’m also betting that your first meeting didn’t go well. You probably were your typical self and Steve bit back with sass that no one knew he had.”
Tony looks embarrassed. “We had words.”
Bucky turns back to the fridge, gathering more food. “You gotta understand, Stark, we never imagined meeting someone like Howard Stark before the army, then he became a friend, an unofficial member of the Howlies.” He sees Tony’s surprised reaction to that. “Your dad meant the world to us and was one of the few people that didn’t think twice about anything we asked, he just helped. You hit Steve with everything Howard said to you about one of his closest friends, never thinking what that would do to a man that had lost everything.”
Natasha sits at the table. “You’re more talkative than I thought you’d be.”
“Yeah, well, Steve brings out my protective nature. Always has.” He looks at the other two. “He’s my best friend and instead of seeing the man behind the shield, you two saw the weapon. It probably took everything he had to keep the anger inside.” Gathering his haul from the kitchen, Bucky heads back to the elevator. “It’s not too late. You could still make good on the friendship he needs from you.” The elevator closes and Tony looks over at Natasha, who is staring at the table.
It’s been two days and Bucky stays with Steve the whole time. The only time he leaves is to get food and in the time they spend together, they manage to talk through more than either intended. Bucky wakes to find Steve staring at him, throwing the cover off, he sits up on the edge of the bed. “You ready to get out of there?”
Something in Steve’s eyes is different, but there isn’t any red anymore. “Yeah, I think it’s time.” Bucky doesn’t question the strangeness he sees, just gets up, keying in the code for the door. As Steve steps out, he looks sheepish. “Don’t suppose I could get a hug after all that soul-searching conversation?”
Bucky snorts, pulling Steve against him. “I think it’s long overdue.”
They don’t run into anyone on the way back to Steve’s floor and Bucky’s pretty sure that’s by design. Everything looks just the way Steve left it, except there’s way more food in the kitchen than when he left on the mission that started all this. “I guess Tony is tired of you stealing all the food from the communal kitchen.”
Bucky laughs. “Well, then we can just stay hold up here until you’re ready to see the others.”
Nodding, Steve heads down the hallway. “I’m gonna shower, then I want some breakfast.” He stops halfway to his room. “There’s a spare bedroom and bathroom if you need a place to stay.”
“I thought you’d never ask, punk.” Steve quirks a smile.
Bucky knows, as sure as he’s sitting in Steve’s living room, that his friend is in the shower, sobbing for everything he did with that poison in his system. He doesn’t bring it up because that’s not what Steve needs right now. What he needs is for Bucky to wait until he’s ready to talk about what he did under the influence. And because Bucky’s so protective of Steve, he’ll wait.
As the days pass, Steve still doesn’t see or hear from the team, until nearly a week later. He gets out of the shower after his run. He’s been thinking a lot about what he did as that thing, he knows that Tony is probably having JARVIS try to find out where it was developed, so they can deal with it, all the while, he needs to deal with the fact that he caused some serious damage. He could talk to a therapist, but it’s just easier to talk to Bucky because his friend understands.
He’s pulling a shirt over his head, wearing grey sweat pants, hanging low on his hips. There’s a whistle, and Steve pops his head out of the top of the shirt, seeing Natasha standing in the living room. “You might want to pull those pants up, Rogers. People could start to get inappropriate ideas seeing those hip bones.”
Steve blushes and starts to speak, but before he can, the team and Bucky are coming out of the kitchen, ladened down with platters of food. “AH, friend Steven, you have arrived just in time to feast.”
“What the hell is going on?” Bucky chuckles and Steve looks even more confused.
“Well, Steve, we’re going to have breakfast together, since you’ve been out of commission for a while.” Bucky gives Steve a wink that tells his friend to go along with it, meaning, this wasn’t Bucky’s idea, but he wants to see what happens.
They’re halfway through all the food, Avengers, plus Steve and Bucky, in different degrees of comfort, lounging around the living room. Steve just waits to see what this is all about and Bucky never stops watching each person in the room. It’s finally Thor, that breaks the silence. “My friends, we will not accomplish any good in our current endeavor if we do not speak about what haunts our working relationship.”
“Well, now the cats out of the bag.” Tony looks over his glasses at Thor. “We were trying to build up to the big talk.”
Clint doesn’t stop shoveling food into his mouth. “Yeah...but if we leave it to you, nothing will get said.”
“Good god, Barton, close your mouth.” Clint opens his mouth, letting all the chewed food show.
Bruce shakes his head, sipping on his cup of tea. “Maybe it’s best to just say what needs to be said.”
Natasha takes the lead and Steve thinks she’d make a good leader if she could trust everyone the way she trusts Fury and Barton. “Fine, we obviously have some issues. If we’re in battle, we do fine, but actually being human beings around each other seems to be something none of us know how to do.”
“Yeah, we suck at it.” Natasha glares over at Clint.
Steve finally holds up his hand. “Why don’t you just be honest and tell me that you don’t really want me here and I’m not the leader you need.” There’s a slight pink hue around his eyes and Bucky goes to sit next to him, grounding him, so it doesn’t become red. They knew this could happen, that something could trigger Steve, but he didn’t expect it to happen so quickly.
Bucky can see the anger bleeding into Steve’s movements and needs to be sure that his friend has all of that under control. Then, as though Howard reached out, through time, and smacked his son in the head, Tony blurts out, “Because that’s not true.” Steve looks over, incredulous. “Look, there’s not one of us that really knows how this team is supposed to behave outside of fighting things. The only one that has the experience needed, to call the shots, is you. Thor has led battles, but something tells me he picked more than half of them.” Thor blushes, nodding. “Romanov and Barton are spies that can’t find enough trust in themselves, much less anyone else. Bruce would just as soon pick up a car and throw it, than try to strategize. And me, I’m too self-centered.”
“So, you want me here because I’m a good leader.” Bucky can tell that something about it isn’t sitting well with Steve. The growing color in his eyes, has now receded, being replaced with resignation. He remembers how Steve led the Commandos and anyone on the outside would have sworn that the guys didn’t respect Steve because they were always picking on him, but Bucky knew that it was done out of intense friendship and feeling of family. That’s what Steve was hoping to find here, but it didn’t measure up. He didn’t measure up.
“Steve, you can’t expect to build what we had before with the Howlies overnight. That dynamic we built in a warzone; under conditions we don’t have here.” Steve turns to rebut. “No, now listen, I know you guys have been in some battles, but you saved us from Azzano, marched us 30 miles back to Allied Territory, then handpicked those men to stand with you against things we didn’t really understand. You have to see that building something here, with these people, is going to take time, so you can build the trust.”
“He’s right, Steve.” Steve looks over at Natasha. “I want to trust you, but trust has only gotten me hurt in the past.” She looks over at Clint. “Only twice did it not come back and bite me in the ass.”
Tony sighs, catching Steve’s attention. “Barnes is right and Natasha’s right. We all came into this with baggage, more than we even understood, but you came into this with truck loads.”
Steve starts to fume, gritting his teeth. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Bucky reaches over, taking Steve’s hand when the pink starts to come back.
“It means, you woke up in a place that didn’t make sense and were thrown into a situation that didn’t make any sense. For god sakes, Steve, within weeks, you had to deal with aliens, a magic cube, and gods from other worlds. My dad may have known you better than me, but at least in that war, you were all fighting the same enemy. In this one, you weren’t even sure who the enemy was.” Tony looks down at the floor and Bucky believes the man finally gets the position Steve found himself in when he woke up.
Steve looks down at their joined hands, then up into Bucky’s eyes. Bucky nods, knowing that Tony’s right. “We’re going to have to keep an eye on you for a while because I know everyone has noticed the ring around your irises. When you get tense, or upset, or irritated, the anger comes to the surface again. It’s best if it’s not just me keeping an eye on you. It needs to be a team effort.” He squeezes Steve’s hand, taking a deep breath. “But you have to make an agreement with everyone in this room that when you feel that anger, you talk about whatever it is. You can’t go off because it could mean losing yourself again.”
Tony finally has to ask. “How do you walk around with this much anger inside and where did it come from?”
Steve’s shoulders slump and he looks down at the floor. Bucky knows. Bucky’s always known. Without seeing Steve’s eyes, he knows his best friend is getting angry because the hand not in his starts to shake. Leaning in, Bucky whispers, “This is your chance to be honest.”
Ripping his hand from Bucky’s, Steve stands and the pink ring is now red. Everyone keeps their seats, counting on Steve being able to work through this. Bucky doesn’t take offense to how Steve pulled away because it’s always been Steve’s way. He turns in on himself. The anger has always been at himself.
Setting his jaw and through clinched teeth, Steve starts to relay his life. He tells them about the neighborhood always looking down on them because his mother never remarried. He tells them about always feeling less than everyone else because he didn’t have a father. Steve makes a point to inform them that he didn’t blame his mother, he loved her dearly, but he was always at a disadvantage because he and his mother were seen as odd. He tells them about Sarah moving them to Brooklyn Heights in the late 1920’s. They don’t seem to know what that means, so Bucky prompts him. “Steve, tell them why that’s significant.”
Biting the inside of this cheek, Steve looks down at the floor. “The rent was cheap there because it was a gay neighborhood and if you lived there, then you were considered queer.”
Bucky gets a few looks, so he tells them the truth. “My family didn’t live there, but it didn’t matter to me where Steve lived. He was my best friend and that didn’t change because his address did.”
“It got even harder after that.” Steve looks at the group. “Because of how I looked and where I lived, people assumed. I got beat up pretty bad. More than I’d admit.”
“One group put him in the hospital for almost two weeks. Sarah had to fight tooth and nail to get the hospital to treat him properly because they thought he was queer too.” Tony starts to tear up, Clint’s already got tears on his cheeks and Natasha won’t look at them, meaning she’s overwhelmed with emotions.
Thor sits forward, but before he can speak, Bruce puts a hand on his arm. Thor seems to understand that Bruce is telling him to be cautious. In a soft, caring voice, Thor asks, “My friend, why is being queer, as you say, a bad thing? I am confused and wish to understand.”
Bucky likes Thor, if for no other reason than his kindness. “Being queer in our original time was illegal, Thor. It could get a person arrested or killed.”
Thor sits back, brow furrowed. Bruce pats his arm again and adds, “It’s not a time this country should be proud of, but it’s part of our history and needs to be known.”
Steve sees that his words are having a much bigger impact than he believed, so the red in his eyes fades. “When my mother died, Bucky moved in with me and then he started getting harassed. It was my fault.”
“Steve, we talked about this then.” Steve looks over, eyes pleading for Bucky to let him say it out loud. He gets a nod and continues. Looking back at his team, Steve takes a deep breath. “It all came to a head when Bucky got cornered one night. He was bigger and stronger than me, so he was able to fight them off, but I still had to take him to the hospital.” His eyes get distant and he doesn’t want to say the next part, but he has to.
“Steve, it’s okay. Tell them what happened.” Instead of red coming back to his eyes, Steve tears up, looking with blurred vision at his friend. “You’re human, Steve. They’ll understand.”
“How can they when I just figured it out myself?” That’s a surprise and Bucky doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Steve looks back at the Avengers. “I found a pipe in an alley and went after the men that attacked Bucky. They laughed at me, at first, but once I started swinging, they didn’t laugh again.” His voice breaks. “By the time the anger subsided, one had a broken jaw, one never walked right again, and one of them was in a coma for several months.”
“Jesus.” Clint leans over into Natasha’s side.
“I didn’t know until I left the hospital and found Steve around the corner from our apartment, crouched down in the alley, throwing up. We never talked about it again after that night. No one ever suspected Steve and the men wouldn’t admit that Steve did it because...” Bucky stops, not wanting to say the rest, so Steve does it for him.
“Because they didn’t want to admit that little Steve Rogers, the neighborhood faggot, could have done it to them.” Tony’s head goes into his hands and he’s taking deep breaths.
“You said that you just figured it out yourself. What did you mean?” Bucky’s curious about that too, but wasn’t going to push until they were alone, but once Steve commits to something, he’s all in. He’s committed to being honest now. What comes out of Steve’s mouth, is not expected by anyone in the room, least of all his best friend.
“I am queer. I just never admitted it until now.” Steve walks out of the apartment, leaving the whole group stunned.
“JARVIS, is he still in the gym?” The team wanted to go after Steve, but Bucky told them to stand down. Having just admitted the root of the anger, Bucky knew his friend would need to process.
‘He is sir, and he’s had to replace the bag six times, so far.’
Tony looks up at Bucky, who just shakes his head. “Okay, thanks, J.” Getting up, Tony goes to the window that seems to have all of Bucky’s attention. “How long are you going to let him go at it until you do something? He could be triggered again.”
“No, he won’t be.” It’s said with such certainty, but still makes Tony snort. “Trust me. He doesn’t want to lose himself again and now he’s said the hardest part.” Bucky turns, looking at the team. “The question is, what are all of you going to do?” They seem confused by the question. “He would rather punch his way through every bag, than face your judgement.”
“What about your judgement?” Bucky turns on Tony. “We’re just getting to know him, you’re the one that’s known him for a century. You don’t think he’s more worried about you?”
Going to the door, Bucky slips his shoes on. “Leave us alone. I’ll call if I need you, but don’t come to the gym.” Bucky watches from the door of the gym for a few minutes, watching how Steve moves and knows that he’s too calculated to be anywhere, but in his right mind. Stripping his shirt over his head, he starts over to the mats. “Okay, Rogers, I’m giving you a chance to best me.”
Steve’s head jerks over, seeing Bucky down in a grappling stance, waiting. “You don’t want to do this now, Buck.”
“I do, actually. I think we both need to work off some of this energy and you need to work out that I don’t give a good-goddamn about your sexual orientation, ‘cause once a punk, always a punk.” The smile, that Steve can’t help showing, softens Bucky’s heart. He’s been stealing himself for all kinds of rejections and Bucky’s got to make him see that rejection of Steve, isn’t in Bucky’s nature. “Now, get over here and let me beat you up.”
Steve barks a laugh and joins Bucky on the mats. “I think you’re going to find me a little harder to pin, Buck.”
“Naw, you still use too much body mass and not enough brain mass.” It’s a little harder, just like Steve said, but Bucky does end up pinning him. “See what I mean? Stop thinkin your body can get you out of everything and start using that big brain to see the opponent's next move.”
For hours this goes on, until Steve actually pins Bucky. “Got’ya.”
Bucky grins up, pleased that Steve’s finally listening to him. Then, he sees something flash in Steve’s eyes, something that isn’t red, something that he might have missed all those decades ago, something Steve didn’t want him to see today, so he walked out as fast as possible. “Steve?”
Rolling away, Steve starts to jump up, but Bucky grabs hold, stopping him. “Let me go, Buck. Please.”
Then Bucky asks a question he should have thought of before. “When did you know you were gay, Steve?”
There’s a sniffle, then a sob. Steve’s voice sounds so broken now, but not like he’s going to lash out in anger, but like he’s actually broken. “You. I knew when I met you.” Trying to squirm away, Bucky keeps holding him tightly. “Please let me go.”
Tears track down Bucky’s cheeks because now it all makes more sense. “I’ll let ya go, but I don’t want you to leave.” Releasing Steve’s wrist, the blonde doesn’t leave, but pulls his knees up, wrapping his arms around them. “Why didn’t you tell me that I was the reason you were so angry? Why wouldn’t you let me help you?”
Steve rests his cheek on his knees and Bucky can see how defeated he looks. “What could you have done?”
Bucky barks a sarcastic laugh. “Well, I coulda told ya that livin with you, it was all I ever wanted. Moving in with you, wasn’t just to help you keep your head above water, it was so I could be where I belonged.” Turning, Steve looks at Bucky startled. “You dumb punk, do you really think that I woulda gone through everything back then, if I didn’t want to?”
“Whether you wanted to admit it or not, you were always too kind for your own good.” Bucky shakes his head, disbelieving. He feels like Steve has some romanticized version of Bucky back then, but he doesn’t say it. Challenging that vision isn’t what Bucky wants, in fact, he likes the idea that Steve sees him that way: soft and gentle.
“You have no idea, Steve. I wanted to take you dancing. I wanted to take you to nice dinners. I wanted to take you to bed.” As he’s talking, Bucky’s moving over, reaching over to cup Steve’s cheek. “How did you not know?” Standing abruptly, Bucky offers his hand. “Now, let’s go once more, so I can show you something.”
Confused and feeling a little like he’s got whiplash, Steve takes the hand and lets Bucky pull him up. Getting into position, Bucky makes quick work of pinning Steve under him on the mat, then he quirks an eyebrow, with a smirk, and kisses Steve. It’s hot and wet, a little messy, but Steve moans into it. Wrapping his arms around Bucky’s shoulder, he pulls the man down. Bucky braces himself with his hands on either side of Steve’s head.
Raising his head just enough to rest their foreheads together. “Now, listen to me, you idiot, loving you is what saved me and loving you can save you too. Whatever you have inside you that keeps that anger there, I’m going to help you find a way to let it go.”
Epilogue
Steve’s eyes have been red since they entered the base. This is the place that created the gas that infected him so many months ago. It’s become common now that when Steve enters a battle, his eye change, but now it’s directed at whoever is attacking. This one, this one is personal. This Hydra base did this to him and he’s going to make sure they pay and never do it again. Also, he wants to be sure that all of the information is wiped out of existence.
The Hydra agents in the lab see Captain America coming for them and they see the red eyes. “Hey, asshole, you made me, so I thought I’d come visit the results on your heads.”
The lab agents run for their lives, but don’t make it very far. Bucky chuckles in the comm. “Really, Steve?”
Once the agents are down, Steve turns, hoping for another target. “What? It’s all true.” He stalks back into the hallway, heading for the control room and Iron Man. “Stark, you have those charges set?”
“All set. Now, let’s get out of here.” Moving back towards the exit, Steve takes one more look around. If they did their jobs right, no one else will ever have to go through what he did. He’s learned to use it, but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t a heavy burden.
Back on the jet, Bucky goes to his fiancé, cupping his cheek. “Hey, Pretty Eyes, come back to me now.”
The red fades and blue takes over again. Leaning in, Steve kisses him lightly. “Hey, Beautiful.”
Tony and Bruce have run test after test and no matter what they try, nothing will reverse what was done. Now, Steve uses it to his advantage in battle and once it’s over, Bucky’s always able to bring him back. Bucky joined the team when it became apparent that Steve needed the balance. Without him, Steve can’t always shut down that part of himself. Tony turns in the pilot seat. “You two joining us for dinner when we get home, or...”
Steve turns, taking Bucky with him, so they can both see Tony. “We might be a little late.”
Turning back in the seat, Tony waves his hand at them. “Yeah, yeah, defiling comes first.”
“Damn right it does.” Laughing into the next kiss, Bucky could care less that the team knows entirely too much about their sex life.