Work Text:
For the first time in a pretty long time, Dean was drunk.
Well, Charlie was drunk, Dean was more like... Tipsy. And the time wasn't really that long, it was more like six months, or so.
It wasn't that he had consciously decided to stop drinking nor anything either, it was just that... Well, it had gotten to a point where he either slowed down on the whiskey or he wasn't going to make it to 50,and for once in his life he wanted to make it to 50, so… yeah, he'd slowed down.
Then Sam had decided to move out and throw a fucking house warming party and there he was, after six months of barely having a couple fingers of whiskey before sleep and maybe a beer during dinner, giggling his ass out with a piss drunk Charlie while sitting in a lawn chair in the corner of a back garden, looking at his family.
Sammy was sporting an ugly ass man bun and ugly ass glasses (glasses! If anyone had told Dean two years before that they were going to have a life stable enough to buy houses and to have enough down time to go to a doctor and get a lens prescription he would have laughed. Or cried a little.), and he had his arm around Eileen's shoulder.
Eileen who was pregnant with their first child and just starting to show, smiling and beautiful in a white dress and braids that made her look a little like princess Leia.
They were talking to Stevie, Charlie's girlfriend, and they kept laughing and Dean couldn't help but smile in wonder.
Sammy, his little brother, was going to be a dad. He was going to be an uncle.
And a best man, if Charlie ever stopped chickening out from proposing to Stevie.
Just a little to the left, under a table covered in empty beer bottles and burger left overs, Jack was playing with Miracle. Dean could never quite figure out how Jack could squeeze in such tight spaces if he wanted, but he suspected it had something to do with him being kind of God. A God that lived among mortals, and went to high school, and was just starting to think about college applications, and mostly let his aunt Amara run the universe, but still God. Miracle was wagging her tail furiously and covering his face in wet dog kisses, and Jack was squeezing his eyes and smiling so hard Dean was almost worried he was going to strain a muscle.
And then there was Cas.
Cas with his blue eyes and his dark hair that was just starting to turn gray on his temples, who was standing at Eileen's side with a beer in his hand that was open but otherwise untouched and a soft smile.
Cas who was human now and wore his grace around his neck, a dash of blue light against the faded collar of an old AC/DC shirt.
He'd stolen it from Dean's duffle after getting soaked in blood during one of their rare hunts, and Dean had half expected him to awkwardly give it back afterwards, but Cas hadn't: he'd held onto it, and kept wearing it, and started stealing more of Dean's clothes when he saw Dean didn't say anything about it.
Dean didn't mind, really: it was nice to finally see Cas as Cas and not as the heavenly accountant with the trench coat and the crooked blue tie.
Cas'd hesitantly started buying his own clothes too, a couple months or so ago: he seemed to have a thing for flower prints and novelty socks, and Dean wouldn't have said it out loud to save his life, but he thought it was kind of adorable.
Not even a week before they'd gone shopping for jeans (Dean had put on a bit of weight since he'd mostly stopped hunting, and between things not fitting him properly anymore and his tendency to keep wearing clothes until they fell apart, he was down to one decent pair and one that he could barely zip up, and only if he held his breath) and Cas had disappeared for a few minutes to come back with two pairs of socks: one with little bees for himself and one with tiny squirrels for Dean.
He hadn't said a word: he'd just given Dean his pair and smiled. Dean had almost cried.
A lot of things made him cry these days.
-You're staring at him like he hung the moon to the sky. - pointed out Charlie.
Dean snapped out of his daze and turned back to her.
She was nursing a glass full of water but seemed to have no intention to drink it, and she was grinning like a maniac.
-I'm not staring at anyone, - he argued. He knew it was a lie (as far as he knew, Cas might have hung the moon to the sky, by the way), but he forced himself to believe it -I'm just happy we're all here together, after all we've been through. -
Charlie laughed.
-You're a liar. - she accused.
-And you're drunk. -
She laughed even harder, and Dean couldn't hold back a smile.
They were sitting in the shadow of an old hazelnut three, far enough away from the others that it was reasonable to think that no one could hear them over the chattering and the music.
-You know, I felt a vibe the first time we met,- she insisted -And even though things had to get messy a few times before we actually got to be friends, I think I knew right away it was going to happen. -
-Aw, - Dean joked -I think I've told you before that you are the little sister I've never wanted. -
-That's not what I meant. It was more like... You know when dogs see other dogs and they get all excited? -
Dean frowned.
-Yeah? I own a dog, Charlie. - he answered -And my brother looks like a very shaggy one. -
-Well, that's kind of how I felt at first: I just wanted to start jumping up and down and yell "hey! Hey I'm gay too! Let's be friends!" - she paused a moment and made a face, then she giggled a little and waved her hand -Then I realized you were a fucking psychopath and I calmed down a little. -
Dean let out a nervous laugh and gulped down half his beer.
-Too bad I'm not gay, - he muttered, hoping he sounded at least decently sincere.
-Yeah, no, for sure, - Charlie obliged -Except you are. At least a bit. -
Dean rolled his eyes and didn't say anything: when Charlie got started on it, there wasn't really much to be done to shut her up if not letting her tire herself out, especially if she was drunk.
-Dean, one of our first significant interactions was you teaching me how to flirt with men! - she went on.
-That doesn't really mean anything. -
Charlie sighed.
-I mean, I thought you were ready to talk about it, with the Whole Cas thing and anything, but... -
Dean felt his guts coil up on themselves.
-What Cas thing? - he forced himself to ask.
He tried to sound casual, but he was on the verge of curling up into a ball and cry his eyes out.
It didn't matter how much he tried to not think about it: he could see the tears running down Cas's cheeks as he said goodbye and it hurt like hell.
And he'd been to hell. Multiple times.
-Oh, c'mon. - she slurred -I might have an oversensitive gay radar, but I'm not stupid and it'd take an idiot to not see that the dynamic shifted between you two. -
Dean closed his eyes and drew a deep breath: he could see him. Cas tearing himself open, exposing everything that was inside... Dean had seen his actual insides, and it had hurt less than seeing him like that, with his heart on his sleeve and his eyes all shiny, just happy to be saying it at least once.
-I don't... -
Dean hadn't said it back: not then, not ever, and they'd never talked about it, either. Dean had sort of tried to, about a week after Cas had come back, when Sam was still living in the bunker with them and Jack was still being God full time and everything about their new, free of narrative life was still very new.
Cas had stopped him before he could get anywhere with it.
-We'll talk about it when you're ready to talk about it. - he'd said, gently, with a sad smile.
Then he'd given Dean a kiss on the cheek and he'd left him stranded in the middle of the hallway, wondering what the fuck had just happened and trying to remember the last time he'd been kissed on the cheek.
And things had been... Weird, ever since.
Not weird in a bad way, not really, but weird.
Cas touched him a lot: it was just hugs, and arms casually held around Dean's waist, and the occasional sitting too close, or brushing hands while walking side by side, but Dean noticed. Half of him wanted to brush it up to Cas being human now, but... But.
And so he'd been constantly playing a game of cat and mouse in his own head for the last six months, where he knew that things were different now between them but he couldn't admit it, not even to himself.
-I mean, he's wearing your shirt. - pointed out Charlie.
-How do you even know it's mine? - argued Dean.
-Because he's basically swimming in it and you were a size or so bigger than him even before you got softer around the edges. -
Dean did his best to laugh.
-That's a very smooth way to say I got fat, kiddo. -
-I think you look better with a little chub on you: retirement suits you, but that's... Not what we're talking about. -
-It's not like I could let him go around in the same old suit every day, Charlie: he's human now, he can't angel himself clean anymore. -
Charlie huffed.
-I swear to Jack, Dean... - she muttered.
Under the table Jack raised his head for a second: he smiled at Dean, then his attention went back to Miracle.
-I don't know what you want me to say, Charlie! - he bursted.
But he knew. Of course he knew. And he wanted to say it, really, it just... He wasn't ready.
-I just... - Charlie trailed off.
She looked remarkably more sober than just five seconds before. Her eyes went to Stevie and she bit her lip.
-I just wish you'd stop being such a little bitch about it. - she said -We've been over it, Dean: you're bisexual and that's ok. -
Dean sighed.
-It's more like you decided I was when we first met and you never let go of it. -
Charlie giggled.
-I would if you'd stop proving me right. -
-When have I ever? -
But he looked at Cas while saying it, and Cas smiled at him, and his heart skipped a beat.
When he turned back to Charlie, she had a knowing grin on her drunken face.
-Oh, shut up. -
[***]
It was well into the night before Dean, Cas, Jack and Miracle finally managed to get out of Sammy's new home.
It was a little over an hour drive back to the bunker and it was later than Dean had originally thought they were going to be out, but it was a warm night and the sky was beautiful, and Dean had kind of missed being on the road late at night.
-I can drive if you want. - Cas had offered, but Dean had declined.
-I sobered up. - he'd promised -And you look tired. -
Cas hadn't insisted, and now he was dozing in the passenger seat, while Jack and Miracle were asleep in the back.
Dean had put on a Metallica tape, but he'd turned it off after less than ten minutes and settled on listening to the roaring of the Impala's engine and to the night happening outside of the car instead.
He'd rolled his window down a little and the wind was playing with his hair. He'd let it grow a little: he'd always kept it short so that if he got in a fight his opponent didn't have anything to grab, but now that he wasn't really hunting anymore he could afford a little bit of length. It was just starting to curl a little at the back of his neck.
It wasn't until they were ten minutes away from the bunker that he let himself look at Cas: he was leaning against the inner side of the car and his mouth was slightly open. He looked peaceful, but Dean knew that it was just because he wasn't deeply asleep yet: Cas hadn't slept right since he'd come back from the Empty.
-I suppose I'm just not good at it yet. - he'd joked once, but Dean knew he had nightmares.
The road was deserted, and there were no street lights but it was a full moon: Cas's skin looked like porcelain in the moonlight, perfect with his tiny scars and the smile marks around his eyes. He looked more like an angel when he was asleep than he'd looked like an angel when he was one.
Dean saw him again, in the archive, crying, saying that he loved him,and his heart ached.
He'd gotten to a point where he didn't even know what was holding him back: forty years of internalized homophobia or the fact that he didn't deserve to even look at Cas, let alone... Let alone.
Cas wasn't even a guy, not really: he might have been in a male body, but as an angel he hadn't really had a gender and Dean suspected he didn't feel much more like a guy now than he had before, and sometimes Dean let himself believe that that meant he was allowed to... Well, it didn't really matter because he wasn't allowed, and Dean knew that Cas's body or gender or whatever didn't really matter much in the grand scheme of things.
And yet, Dean wanted to... to let himself feel... Things. For Cas. About Cas. Because maybe he didn't deserve to be happy, but Cas did, and he knew that Cas was happy just being out with his truth but if Dean could make him even a little bit happier...
Dean only let himself think about it late at night. About how it would have felt to just say that he loved Cas, that... Hell, that he was in love with Cas. To admit that he'd been lying to himself about who he was for all his life, to let himself stare at Cas as much as he fucking wanted instead of having to suppress a pang of guilt any time he caught himself doing it, to call Cas beautiful to his face just to watch him blush (turns out human Cas blushed a lot), to hold his hand, to snuggle up any time Cas sat too close, to cuddle during movie night, to kiss his stupid face and to call him love or pumpkin or darling or something equally ridiculous and smile like an idiot about it.
Dean wanted all of that so much it hurt to even just think about it, so he kind of just didn't.
-You're a fucking coward. - he whisper to himself as he parked the Impala.
The garage was well lit, and Cas and Jack and Miracle were stirring awake.
He climbed out of the car and went to open the trunk out of habit, but there was no duffle to get out: only emergency gear he refused to leave at home and a dream catcher he used to hang over his bed ih the motels, now taped to the back of the backseat.
A long, iridescent black feather was tied to one of its strings.
Dean sighed and pulled the trunk closed: Cas had given everything away and he couldn't even...
-Dean? -
Dean looked up.
The door of the garage was closing behind Jack and Miracle, but Cas was standing just a few feet away from him, looking worried.
-Are you alright? - he asked.
Dean chuckled.
He leaned against the back of the Impala and looked at his shoes.
-Fine, yeah. - he said -I was just... Thinking. -
Cas sighed and walked to Dean's side, leaning against the car just a little too close, his fingers almost touching Dean's where their hands were resting on the trunk's smooth surface.
-May I ask what you're thinking about? -
Dean opened his mouth without even thinking, ready to say something stupid like "just... Stuff", but then he hesitated, his heart suddenly thundering in his chest.
He wasn't ready (he was scared shitless) but he knew himself: he was never going to be ready. He was just going to keep trying to convince he was something that he wasn't, and to tell himself that what he felt for Cas just wasn't there, and he was going to grow more and more nervous and frustrated about it until he finally exploded and ruined everything.
Or, he could just stop being such a little bitch about it.
-I was just... - he bit his tongue -Fuck it. Remember when you said you loved me and then you fucking died? -
Cas didn't answer right away, and when he did it was little more than a whisper.
-I do. - he admitted.
-When you came back you said we'd talk about it when I was ready. -
-I did. -
Dean squeezed his eyes shut. There was so much blood in his head that everything was spinning.
-I don't think I'm ever going to be ready, Cas, - he admitted -So can we just talk about it? -
Cas took a deep breath.
-If that's what you want, sure. - he conceded.
-I don't know what I want, and even when I do I hate myself too much to let myself want it. -
-Well, then see yourself through my eyes for a second and let yourself want things. -
Dean quite literally stopped breathing for a few seconds.
-When the Empty took me, - Cas continued -I meant every word I said. You changed me, Dean. You made me something I was never going to be on my own. Someone I was never going to be... And you deserve the world, I just wish you could see it. -
-When you said... - Dean had to stop to wipe the first tears out of his eyes.
Don't cry he told himself just don't.
-When you said you loved me, what did you mean? -
Cas sighed, and Dean didn't have the courage to look at him, but he could picture the soft, sad smile on his face perfectly even without having to see it.
-I think you know what I meant, Dean. - he said.
Dean forced himself to turn and look at him: Cas was looking right back at him, eyes bluer than the sky, a smile so sad and apologetic Dean wanted to slap himself for ever making Cas think... For ever making Cas think he wasn't loved.
Dean didn't really remember most of what Cas had said before the Empty took him: the moment he had figured out what was going on, the inside of his head had turned to mush and white noise. In the months that Cas had been gone, not remembering every single word had been one of his biggest regrets.
All he could remember was "the only thing I want is something I know I can't have" and "I love you" and crying so much he thought he was going to drown.
-I'm sorry, Cas. - was all he could make himself say -I'm so fucking sorry. -
Cas shook his head.
-It's not your fault. - he said.
He put his hand on Dean's arm and Dean instinctively covered it with his own. Cas was warm in a way he'd never been when he was an angel: Castel was cold and smooth, and even though his body was human, touching him always felt like touching glass.
-Like Hell it's not. - Dean muttered.
He accidentally looked at Cas's chapped lips and he had to look away.
He could feel his ears burn, but he forced himself to look back at Cas.
-Can I... - he tried -Can I kiss you? -
He didn't know how else to say it: he'd always been shit with words, but facts came a little easier.
Cas's eyes got a little wider, his cheeks a little pinker.
-Do you want to? -
Dean nodded.
They were already so close it would have been easy: just lean forward a little, kiss a guy he'd been in love with for the better part of a decade, allow himself to be happy, for once. He wanted it so much it was painful, and yet it felt like he was about to leap out of a plane without a parachute.
He moved his hand to the side of Cas's head, feeling his dark hair, stroking Cas's cheekbone with the pad of his thumb.
-Please. - he heard himself say.
And then Cas leaned in a little and kissed him first.
Softly, like he was 13 and didn't have the slightest idea of how to kiss someone, or like he was scared Dean would shattered in a million fucking pieces if he wasn't delicate enough.
Dean wasn't sure that he wouldn't.
When Cas pulled away, his cheeks were wet.
-You're crying. - Dean said, but his voice broke in the middle of the sentence -Oh no, I'm crying. -
Cas cupped Dean's face in his hands and rubbed his tears away.
-Good crying? - he checked.
Dean nodded, then he had to sniffle because he almost couldn't breathe anymore.
-Look at me, I'm fucking ridiculous. - he whispered.
Cas shook his head.
-No, you're not. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. -
Dean leaned forward and hid his face in Cas's shoulder: a wise man in a science fiction show had once said that hugs were great because the people hugging you couldn't see your face, and Dean couldn't agree more.
Cas hugged him and kissed his hair.
-I love you, Dean. -
Dean smiled against the fabric of the t-shirt Cas had stolen from him. He was still scared, but he was... Relieved? Something like that.
He didn't say it very loud, but he did say it.
-I love you too, Cas. -