Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jack smoothed down the front of the pastel pink dress. The lace clung to their dried fingertips and crackled softly as it came free. As they licked at their chapped lips they couldn't help but feel a sort of triumph. The dress wasn't their own, the glossy fabric bunched awkwardly at their shoulders and hips, but it made them giddy nonetheless.

They stared at themself in the bathroom mirror and grinned from ear to ear, which only seemed to accentuate the mess of lipstick and eyeshadow on their face, but they didn't notice, they didn't mind. Their reflection only smiled back at them, a near perfect image of what they'd always wanted.

They lifted a hand to prod at their ebony curls and winced at a groan from the shoulder seams of the too small dress. Their cheek stung as their hair brushed past it, irritating a small slice on their jaw from a recent shave. The slight ache was worth the joy of a clean face.

Jack gave a glance down at the watch strapped to their wrist. Four thirty. Rose would be home soon and their playtime would come to an end. Off would come the dress, out would come the makeup wipes, on would go the tank top and baggy pants, and no one would ever have to know.

Felix's fingers drummed against his desk, providing a beat for the constant drone of the overhead lights. It was a long and boring day as always, and he found himself wanting even less than usual to go through the countless business emails in his inbox. So he chose not to, and his eyes kept bouncing between the numerous cat themed items on his desk and the wall clock. On occasion he'd look over to the other side of the room where Jack sat, as stoic as ever.

Felix didn't pay him much attention for a while, choosing instead to flick absentmindedly at a bobblehead as his other hand continued to tap tap tap away.

He glanced to the cheerful blue clock for the hundredth time in the past ten minutes and gave an exasperated sigh at the lack of progress the hands had made. Honestly, he was starting to consider just resting his head down on his desk and taking a nap. Jack seemed too preoccupied to scold him for it, anyway. 

It had been an oddly quiet day. Jack usually would have been pestering him for hours by that point, but he hadn't heard a peep since he'd arrived. He'd tried to start up a bit of banter when things had first begun to slow down, but Jack hadn't seemed too responsive to his attempts.

Everyone had a bad day every so often, of course. Hell- half of Felix's week tended to be bad days. But Jack had always been better about hiding his lower moods than most, it was weird to see him so… down.

Felix cleared his throat and reached for an empty mug sitting on the corner of his messy desk. "Hey, man, I'm gonna go make some coffee. You want any?" He gave a glance inside the cup and sneered at the stains at the bottom. When he looked back up Jack was staring out the window and fidgeting with his suit jacket.

"No- no uh, I'm good."

Felix glanced between Jack and the window a few times before shrugging and getting to his feet with a soft grunt. "Suit yourself. But don't you start complaining that I didn't share." 

The coffee maker sputtered to life with a pitiful groan, begging to be shut off and tossed into a dumpster. Felix was just glad that it still had a bit of living left in it, even if using it did feel somewhat like beating a dead horse until it managed to move another inch. He really needed to remember to buy a new one.

He gave the trusty old machine a small pat as he adjusted the coffee pot one last time and scooped up his dirty mug from the break room counter. Speaking of things Felix needed to remember, he really needed to remind Jack to call someone in to check the sink in there. It never worked right, choosing to only gurgle sadly at whoever was stupid enough to try to use it. Lots of things had been breaking down lately, now that he thought about it.

Whatever. At least they still had the bathrooms, as inconvenient as it was to have to walk across the building just to wash a mug. Still, there he was, a testament to his caffeine addiction, plodding through the halls.

Felix rubbed at his eye with a sigh, jostling around his thick rimmed glasses with each move of his hand. Now with a temporary lack of sight in addition to his lack of energy, he continued on. That was, until he ran into something, or rather, someone. "Oh- oh sorry!" He quickly looked up, adjusting his glasses back into place.

It was Jack. Felix blinked a few times. He'd barely seemed to register that he'd been spoken to, much less run into. He was just standing there in the middle of the hall, fidgeting and staring at the bathrooms like a deer in headlights.

"Jack-?"

Jack's nervous gaze turned to him and suddenly he was back. "Oh, hey Fe! Was just looking for you." He stuffed his hands into his pockets and took a half step back to let Felix pass in front of him towards the bathroom. "I don't feel the greatest right now- I might leave early if that's alright with you."

Felix glanced back at Jack, his hand resting atop the doorknob to the restroom. "Sure, man, I don't give a fuck. Not really much to do today anyway. Was thinking about heading out soon myself." He hadn't been, but might as well use the opportunity that had presented itself.

To his surprise, Jack just nodded. No scolding or long-winded rant about one of them always needing to be there during open hours just in case, he just nodded. Geez- he really must've been feeling under the weather.

"Yeah, I'll see you later, Fe." And with that, Jack turned and started heading back to his and Felix's shared office to pack up, leaving behind a puzzled Felix with a dirty coffee cup.

Chapter Text

With a click of a key in the ignition, the rumbling of the engine came to a halt. Jack slouched forward, their forehead coming to rest against the leather steering wheel. Just a few more steps and they could be inside, just a few more steps and they could be alone… if only their legs didn't suddenly feel like a ton of bricks.

The once steady breaths started to stick in their throat, now coming out jagged and uneven. Their airways stung, constricted, heaved as a broken sob forced its way out of them. Tears welled up in their eyes, blurring their vision and making a mess of their flushed cheeks before dripping down onto the front of their work slacks.

God- they knew it had been a bad idea to indulge in their fantasies the night before. Now nothing felt right again. Not like it usually did, they were just better at masking that something was bothering them.

After all, what sort of self-respecting man was he if he couldn't even get through a day of work without breaking down like a blubbering baby?

Even still, the swish of that silky pink dress was all they could think about.

Jack tilted their head back with a deep shuddering breath, sweaty hands lifting from the steering wheel to grind their palms into their eyes. A few more moments passed before they opened up the car door and dragged themself from the driver seat.

The burning sun hurt their teary eyes, made the stumble to the house all the more unbearable. They'd grab their work bag later, they promised themself.

It took a few moments of messing with their keys and dabbing at their face with the sleeve of their suit jacket before they found the right one. Honestly, they needed to get two different keychains. One for home and one for work. It would make things easier for them. But for whatever reason they didn't feel deserving of such ease, especially not now. It didn't make that much of a problem, anyway.

Jack sighed as they stepped into the house. They raked a hand through their hair and tossed their keys into a little dish by the door with the other. Apart from the soft jingle of their keys, the house was silent and still as they plodded forward through the living room. Rose had started to volunteer at the local animal shelter during the day and the kids were still at school, which left Jack alone for the next few hours.

These few alone times were like a sort of haven to them. A few quiet moments where they could really truly explore themself and what made them happy.

Jack toed off their shoes and shrugged off their suit jacket on the way to their and Rose's shared bedroom. Their sock-covered feet thumped on each step as they ascended to the second floor. They hurried through the hall and finally turned into the brightly decorated room. Once the door was shut they tossed their coat onto the bed's lacy comforter and started to strip, their fingers excitedly tugging at the buttons of their shirt. 

Off came their dress-shirt, pants, socks, all discarded into a heap on the floor and left without a second thought. There were better things on their mind now, things that would hopefully satiate the ache in their chest for just a little while longer.

Their hand settled on the door to the closet and pushed it open, causing it's in-need-of-oil hinges to let out a soft squeal. The full array of choices spread itself before them. Suits, dress pants, ties, sweaters, but what really had their eyes sparkling and their heart pounding in their chest were the dresses. So many beautiful dresses. Some that they'd bought for Rose and some that Rose had bought herself, but all so stunning. She always looked so amazing in them… Jack wished that they could look even a fraction as elegant. 

Jack sifted through each and every one before settling on one with a skirt on the poofier side. They hoped so desperately that it would fit then- many of the dresses didn't and they hated to have to find another when they had their heart already set.

The dress felt so heavy in their hands as they took it from the closet and discarded the hanger to the floor for the time being. The fit was tight as they slipped it on over their head and the seams gave a soft creak, but with a deep breath in on it went with a bit of convincing. They doubted they would be able to zip it up, but that was fine.

Jack made their way over to the edge of the room to stand in front of the full length mirror resting leaned against the wall. The sight made them giddy.

They-.. She-... yeah. Yeah that felt right.

She gave a twirl in front of the mirror, eyeing up the intricately embroidered designs on the bodice. She'd always loved wearing dresses- honestly she wished that she had one like that for herself. One that fit right and didn't dig into her shoulders as a reminder that it wasn't really made for her. None of them were.

She stilled, hands lowering to smooth over the skirt. Tears burned behind her eyes. Damn it-... damn it, not again-.

Jack looked down at the dress hugging tightly to her body. Suddenly the ecstatic joy and warmth that the outfit had been giving her was gone, replaced now by a sorrowful longing. She pressed her lips into a thin line, heart thrumming loudly in her ears.

She wouldn't last long before squirming her way out of the constraining fabric and returning the dress to its place in the closet. She traded it out for some sweatpants and one of Rose's sweaters. It was large, even on her, a soft yellow, and warm. Oh so very warm. It made her feel safe.

Jack rummaged through the small black makeup bag, the bottles and containers inside clicking together softly. At least makeup didn't have a size restraint to make her feel inadequate. There was something comforting about it to her with all of the options it gave. There was still so much she had left to learn- she was working with Rose's things after all. The foundation was far from Jack's skin tone, and some pallets hadn't been chosen with her in mind, but there was still so much variety and choice. She could be whatever she wanted to.

Jack picked a bright red lipstick out of the bag, setting the other colors onto the bathroom counter. The application process was a bit messy, but she dampened her fingers with the tap and cleaned up the mistakes, making the end product beautiful. She was beautiful. Red suited her, she decided, though she had already known that for a while.

There was a sound from the doorway and Jack's head whipped around. Her eyes widened.

"Oh- Jack I didn't expect you to be-," Rose paused, hand resting on the doorframe. Her brow wrinkled in mild confusion. "What are you doing…?"

Chapter Text

Jack's face started to burn and she blinked a few times, the gears spinning inside her head to try and come up with a reasonable excuse. She'd never been caught before. Why was Rose home already? Was that disgust on her face??

The words that finally came out were embarrassed, stuttered, ones. "Uh- um- w- well Molly has been awfully interested in doing each other's makeup lately and I'd figure I'd just practice a bit-." Her hands shook as she scrambled to fit everything back into her wife's makeup bag. "I didn't expect you to be home so soon heh-."

Rose set a hand on Jack's arm- when had she gotten so close??

"I could say the same to you, dear," she giggled, a gentle smile showing on her face. "And maybe sometime I could show you a thing or two if you'd like, hm?" she asked, gesturing to the bag that Jack was busy zipping back up. It seemed that she had accepted his excuse.

Jack breathed out in relief as he set the makeup bag down onto the counter and pressed his hands together to keep them from trembling. "You'd do that?"

Rose gave a small nod and reached up to wipe away a bit of lipstick that had smudged in Jack's haste. "Yeah, of course. I'm rather excited, honestly! Sophie has never been very interested in learning… having someone to teach now will be fun!"

Jack leaned into Rose's touch with one of her signature grins stretching across her face. She was such a sweetheart… it made Jack want to spill everything, she hated lying to Rose. But the thoughts of the what if s made her chest ache.

It would all have to come out eventually.

The rest of the day passed without incident. Jack went to pick up the kids from school, Rose made dinner, they ate together, played their weekly board game, and then separated for the night. As lovely a night as it was, Jack hadn't been able to give her full attention to it. The rising guilt in the back of her mind was becoming too much to effectively ignore.

The brush caught and yanked on dark curls, earning a wince from Jack. She loved her hair, really, the way it cascaded off of her shoulders and framed her face was rather fitting, but it was a pain to deal with.

Jack set the brush down with a sigh and ran her fingers through her half dried mess of curls a couple times. She could always finish messing with it in the morning, after all. After putting away all of her after-shower moisturizers, she oughta take care of her skin after all, Jack left the bathroom and joined her wife in the bedroom.

Rose was already sitting up in bed, leaned against their mess of frilly pillows as she scanned the pages of the book in her lap. She glanced up when Jack entered, showing her a small smile as she pulled back the blankets and slipped into bed beside her. Turning slightly, she grabbed her kitten themed bookmark and placed it within the book's pages before shutting it. The small lamp sitting on the nightstand made her wedding ring glitter as she set the book down beside it.

"Come here, dear," she coaxed with a pat to her chest and one arm spread towards Jack.

Jack gladly took the invitation, snuggling up close to her wife's side and letting her head come to rest against her breast. She could hear her heartbeat. It was a steady reminder of her love. A love that Jack couldn't bear the thought of possibly breaking. But she would have to. She couldn't continue to keep what she knew deep down to herself for much longer.

She just needed one final night like this, cradled safely in her wife's arms. One more night of bliss… she couldn't bear the thought of any less.

Jack's nerves had been on high alert all day.

Her leg had been bouncing for hours under her desk, the boredom of a slow Friday just making the anxiety of what was to come later even worse. Then during dinner, her leg continued bouncing away, making Sophie give her irritated looks whenever she bumped the table. Rose had seemed a bit concerned by her behavior, but soon calmed her fidgeting with a hand on her thigh.

It wasn't until after dinner that things really reached an all time high. Jack spent the hours before bed pacing around in her office, going over what to say in her head. Nothing seemed right.

But finally the tall grandfather clock against the wall chimed ten and there was no more avoiding it. It was her last chance. She had to get it out now or she never would.

Just maybe one or two more laps….

Rose was knitting when Jack entered their room. Her wife looked up from her work with a smile, expression faltering once she saw the more serious nature of Jack's.

"There's something I have to tell you."

Rosemary set her work to the side, keeping a close eye on Jack as she watched her circle around to sit at her side on the edge of the bed. "What is it, love?" 

Rosemary reached out a hand and set it atop Jack's shoulder. Jack tensed at the touch.

"I'm… I'm not a man."

Her brow creased in confusion and she shifted closer to Jack's side. "Sweetheart-... did Felix say something to you? Or was it the neighbor? Just because you like makeup doesn't mean you aren't any less of a ma-" she was cut off as Jack turned to face her.

"No- Rose, it's not like that. I think-," Jack's voice started to break up, sounding raspier as she tried to choke back tears long enough to get out her words, "I'm trans-." She drew in a shaky breath to try and compose herself before continuing. "L-like,, I th- think.. I'm a woman-."

Rose didn't say anything.

Jack couldn't read her expression and only grew more and more distressed the longer the silence lasted. What if Rose didn't love her anymore? Jack wouldn't blame her. She hadn't signed up to be the wife of a freak when they had traded vows.

Tears spilled from Jack's eyes and she wiped desperately at them with her hands, trying so hard to keep more from flowing out. She was supposed to be the strong one. The cocky, ever confident one. But god-.. all she felt like was an embarrassment, especially with the stinging feeling of Rose's eyes still boring into her. "I'm disgusting and w- wrong- I know- I'll leave and never come back-," she hiccuped.

Jack wanted to get up, to run, but her legs felt made of jelly and her feet of lead. She didn't have to worry about it for long though, as Rose's arms were quick to wrap around her and pull her down into her chest. All she could focus on was the steady thrum of Rose's heart and the soft shushes she gave in response to every whimper and attempt to pull away.

"Jack… you aren't disgusting. There's nothing wrong with you, sweetheart," she said gently, rubbing slow circles into Jack's shoulder blades. "I love you, so so much. Nothing will change that."

Jack melted into the warm comfort of her wife's arms, sobs turning to sniffles as Rose moved a hand to comb through her messy hair. Gentle lips pressed to her temple time and time again, only letting up when Jack burst out into broken giggles.

"You know," Rose's hand slipped from Jack's hair to gently hold her cheek, "you're the most beautiful woman I've ever had the luck to lay eyes on. And I'll be here for you every step of the way, my wonderful…?"

Jack looked up at Rose with eyes watery from joy. "...Jackie. I like Jackie."