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“Hello, everyone! Welcome to another episode of Wild Wanmin Wars, your favorite cooking show on Teyvat Network. My name is Xiangling—” A teenage girl wearing a lopsided chef’s hat flashes the camera a wide grin, as she gestures at the two men sitting beside her. “And this week, we are joined by Liyue’s very own Conqueror of Demons, Xiao himself, as well as the chief alchemist of Mondstadt’s Knights of Favonious, the illustrious Albedo.”
Xiao stares intensely into the camera’s (metaphorical) soul. “Adeptus Xiao, here at your service.”
Albedo gives a curt nod, and remarks, “It is a pleasure to be here. I can’t wait for how…interesting this is going to be.”
“Today, I’m going to be teaching these two gentlemen how to make almond tofu!” Xiangling exclaims, clasping her hands together. With a giggle, she nudges Xiao with her elbow. “And rumor has it that almond tofu is our adeptus friend’s favorite dish!”
Xiao hums in agreement. “That’s true, Xiangling. However, I must control the amount of almond tofu I eat as it tends to make me gassy. I’d hate to stink up the entire Wangshu Inn again.”
“I’ve never had this Liyuean delicacy before,” Albedo pipes in. “However, I hope it tastes as delicious as the spiders that can be found on the petrified trees of Mondstadt.”
“Don’t you worry your pretty little head Mr. Kreideprinz, it will taste even better than those spiders! I promise!” Xiangling begins to gather the cooking ingredients for the dish, and places them in front of the two guests.
“Tofu, sugar, water, apricot kernels, milk, agar agar, vodka…that seems to be about everything.” The professional chef ultimately concludes. “Well! Time to get cookin’, boys!”
“First, pour two shots of vodka into your bowl…” Xiangling then proceeded to pour in the entire bottle of vodka.
Following her lead, Xiao and Albedo began to pour (a very rough approximation of) two shots of vodka into their bowls. Curiously, Xiao took a sip of the alcoholic beverage. Immediately, he recoiled.
“It tastes like…Rex Lapis’s crusty hair…” Xiao’s face scrunches up into an expression of absolute disgust, as the poor yaksha begins to cough profusely. “Are you sure we’re supposed to add this in?”
“Yes, of course!” Xiangling reassures Xiao, the wide, ear-splitting grin still plastered on her face. “Next, add in your sugar—er, Albedo, what are you doing?”
Albedo attempts to stuff a girl with pale green hair and fluffy ears into his (comically large) bowl. The girl is screaming for help, constant pleas of, “please Mr. Albedo, don’t put me into your almond tofu!”.
“What?” The alchemist deadpanned, unaffected by the girl’s terrified screams. “Sucrose is also a form of sugar, is it not?”
Xiangling nervously laughs. “Well, moving on from that…Xiao, how are you doing with your dish?”
Somehow, the concoction Xiao had been creating using Xiangling’s instructions had turned a murky black color. It also smelled quite awful (not unlike Xiao after he had eaten too many almond tofus). “Terrible! Worthless! I wish it would DISAPPEAR!”
“Aw Xiao, don’t be such a downer! Practice makes perfect, and we can still save your almond tofu!” She reasons with him, trying to make the adeptus feel better. It did not work, as Xiao was still fuming.
Xiangling turns over, looking over to see Albedo’s progress. To her shock, he’s already finished making his almond tofu! And Albedo’s almond tofu looks absolutely perfect, an exact replica of what the dish served at Wanmin Restaurant looks like.
“Woah Albedo, you’re done already? But…but how? I’ve only gone through two of the steps.”
“Yes. I figured out how to make almond tofu using a mix of alchemy, quantum physics, biochemistry, algebraic mathematics, and accelerated geometry. I could try explaining, but I doubt you’d understand.”
“I wouldn’t.” Xiangling agrees, still marveling at the beauty that is Albedo’s creation.
In a fit of rage, Xiao shakes his bowl violently, causing the dark liquid to spill out and get all over the kitchen table. Parts of it seep into Albedo’s finished almond tofu.
“LAMENT!” The yaksha shouts at the top of his lungs, already donning his infamous mask.
This had quite the effect on the almond tofu, as it became…sentient.
The almond tofu grew eyes, ears, legs, and hands. It also grew a face, one that looked nearly identical to Sucrose’s. It expands, being as large as the size of a typical Inazuman house. It began to move, and its groans were even scarier than the depths of the Abyss.
Xiangling gasps in horror. Albedo is unmoved.
Without warning, the sentient almond tofu opens its unholy mouth and swallows Xiao whole.
Xiangling gasps again, twice as horrified. Albedo is still unmoved.
However, the sentient almond tofu is no match for the guardian yaksha’s combat prowess. His mighty polearm tears through the beast’s stomach, as it lets out one final yelp. As Xiao emerges, he is covered in bits of tofu goo.
“The taste of that almond tofu was not a fond dream, but an…awful nightmare…” Xiao shudders. He looks clearly traumatized.
“I should probably start heading back to Mondstadt. The Acting Grandmaster has requested my assistance in taking care of some important matters,” Albedo says, wiping off some of the tofu goo that had gotten onto his clothes.
Xiangling breaks out of her scared, paralyzed state, trying her best to keep her voice steady as she speaks. “W-well folks, that’s all! Hope you enjoyed this week’s episode of Wild Wanmin Wars, h-haha. Next week we’ll be joined by um, the Raiden Shogun herself!”
Now that she's recovered, she's absolutely pissed at this mess she'll have to clean up. Muttering to herself, the chef grumbles, “Who hopefully is a competent cook, unlike these two…”