Work Text:
February 18th, 1867
The snowy days were already gone. Kyoto's weather really was more clement than Edo's one. For years being here, they never had more than a few snowflakes already changing to water even before they touched the ground. Saito regretted it, in a way. Snow always had been ephemeral, doomed to disappear nearly as it was born, but these snowflakes fading even before they could be admired, that was filling his heart with nostalgia, as if they were small warriors cut in their prime, even before their skill could show.
Until last week. That winter had been colder than the previous ones and it was with surprise and awe that he welcomed the sight of the white mat before his room. He stayed a while in the doorway, feeling like it would be a sin to disturb the gorgeousness of the scenery with his unsightly footprints. It was like rediscovering the Nishi-Honganji for the first time, the snowflakes dancing in the wind and landing on the wooden building like a blanket, sheltering it from the ugliness of the outside world.
Then he saw her. Somehow, her footprints weren't an offense to the peacefulness of the scene. Like a work of art, her presence was adding even more innocence to the blank world. Her hakama fading harmoniously in it and her salmon kimono popping out like a flower bud, her ponytail moving as she was moving her head in excitement, her smile so bright it could burn his eyes. He didn't know since when he started to notice how Yukimura could blend so magically in the sceneries he loved the most, unchangeable and yet always different, like the snow, or the cherry blossoms. But she was. She was making everything around her even more beautiful than it already was. Was it some kind of power she had ? He didn't know and the truth was that he didn't really care. It was just a fact. Why does snow fall ? Why does nature come back to life in spring ? It was just the way things were.
Like a moth drawn to a flame, he didn't care about his footprints anymore and he joined her. The smile she sent him when she noticed him caught him off guard by how wide it was. It was as if she was genuinely happy to be in his company. He never spoke much to her, unlike the other, less shy captains. They did talk, to an extent, but not really as friends or comrades like she could with Heisuke or his friends. He never expected her to look that happy to see him. Cordial, yes, polite, but not... happy. Maybe it was because she was excited by the snow. That must be it.
She offered to play and while he was tempted to accept, he had no idea what to do. That's when she did it, that small ball of snow with two leaves for the ears and two berries for the eyes. A Snow bunny, she said. It... did look a little like a rabbit, he guessed, with these long ears... Apparently, it was common to make some... He never saw any before... Or maybe he couldn't recall. She handed it to him and her hands felt so small and soft in his... Even now, as he was slowly rubbing his fingers together, watching them, he could remember that feeling. Her fingers weren't calloused as his, they were not slightly deformed by holding the sword everyday, they were just ordinary and yet, wonderful.
His sight moved to the little ball near the entrance of his room. It was looking miserable now. It was the third of its initial size and its eyes fell off, only an ear was left. Soon, maybe tomorrow, there will be no Snow Bunny anymore. Ephemeral... For once, he regretted that the snow had to die so soon. If he could have kept this one thing, just this one, for the rest of his life, he would have. He would have given anything, apart from his swords, to keep it from melting. But life wasn't meant to be eternal, and snow even less.
He wanted another snowy day, just a few snowflakes, so he could gather some and give back that little ball its former glory. But that wasn't either how seasons were supposed to work. Even if you believe the harder you can in the things that do not change, some things have to. He kneeled and grabbed the fallen ear and the two fallen berries, trying to put them back on the snowball but he put too much strength in it and crushed it in his palm. He wanted to shout out of frustration but he didn't. Instead he opened his hand and let the pieces fall. The Snow bunny was dead. That was it.
Unable to look at his crime, he took the direction of the kitchen to help for breakfast, hoping that occupying his hands would sooth his mind from the aching that was unreasonably making its way in his chest, an inexplicable guilt for taking the life of a rabbit that wasn't even alive. How stupid was that ?
He helped Inoue prepare the breakfast, moving his hands like a puppet, without thinking. He did these gestures a thousand times already, he didn't need his mind for it. By the window, he could witness Yukimura on a bench with Heisuke. She was laughing and he wished he could bottle up that sound and hear it again every time he wanted to, intoxicating himself with it. Yet, that laugh wasn't directed at him and that was making an unworthy feeling of jealousy creep in his heart. She was taking the feathers off a chicken and meticulously gathering them in a basket, probably to use them in a pillow or a blanket, maybe to restuff a futon... Chickens would be used for lunchtime, he guessed.
After breakfast, he went on a round with the second division and was disappointed to find out that Yukimura wasn't accompanying them today. It should have relieved him, to know that he didn't need to keep an eye on her and protect her and that he could just focus on his duty as the third division captain. But he missed her presence by his side, even if it was usually a silent one.
Really, what is the matter with me today ? Ever since I crushed that bunny, I can't stop thinking about Yukimura...
Saito shook his head to throw the unwanted thoughts away. He had more important things at hand. His round to begin with, his spying on Itou, that fox that seemed up to no good, the SatCho moves, Souji's condition... So much to think about instead of Yukimura's face.
His day went on without any notable event and after one of Itou's meetings he attended, he desired to get back to his room to meditate for a while. His plans were cut short by the sight of Yukimura running. His eyes widened. Unexpectedly, she was running his way. Did she have any message from the Vice-commander to transmit to him ?
« Saito-san ! »
She called his name and he waited patiently for her to catch up with him. Out of breath, she smiled, hiding something behind her back.
« Yukimura ? » he asked « what is it ? »
« Sorry ! » she bowed, breath ragged, and he wondered for a moment if he should lend her a hand to stand or if touching her would be unseemly « I've been looking for you this afternoon but I couldn't find you anywhere ! »
« I had a meeting. » he explained, still confused « can I inquire about the situation ? Is the vice-commander sending you ? »
« No ! No, I... » she stuttered before she took a deep breath « this is for you ! »
She handed him the content of her hands. It was a ball of white fabric, with two beads and two small green parts that she probably cut off her own obi. A replica of the snow bunny she made him days ago, except that this one wouldn't melt.
« Why ? » he asked, unable to find better words.
« I... Sorry, is it childish ? » she averted his gaze, confused « The captains... Harada-san and Nagakura-san, they told me you kept the one I made for you near your door and I saw it but... now with the warmer days... I... I thought you'd enjoy that one... I used a sheet that was gonna be thrown away and it is soft because it's stuffed with feathers... I... I can keep it if you want, I'm sorry. »
« No. » he said, aware that his ears were turning red already « It is a thoughtful gift. Thank you, Yukimura. »
He cupped her hands in his just like that day and she dropped the bunny with a radiant smile.
« I have to finish cleaning Okita-san's room before he comes back ! » she said, already turning her heels to run in the opposite direction « I'll see you this evening, Saito-san ! »
« H... Ha... » he answered like an idiot, eyes locked on the fabric ball.
Carefully, still cradling it in both his hands, he took it back into his room and sat in front of it to admire it. It was just a ball, with two green rags and two beads, and somehow, it became the most valuable thing he ever owned. This bunny wouldn't melt. He wouldn't be crushed. He would stay the same every day. And it was wonderful, for Saito, to add this gift to his comfort list of the things that do not change.