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The day starts off like it usually does. Steve wakes up next to Bucky, the sunlight slowly filling up the room and illuminating Bucky’s face. The little ridge on his nose and the dimple on his chin. He’s beautiful. His beauty has never been the issue. If only beauty was enough to sustain a relationship after the spark is gone.
Steve and Bucky have been together for nearly 9 years, since the day Steve turned 16. Things had been perfect then. They’d been good for a really long time. Their relationship even lasted through them going to different colleges, despite everyone’s claims they’d break up within a month. Steve had been so happy to prove them wrong. He hates that he’s proving them right in some kind of way now. But he has to do it. There’s no other choice.
He and Bucky have been growing apart for a while. Steve doesn’t know when he first noticed, what the catalyst to all these feelings was. All he knows is that he has to do something. Bucky is the best friend he ever had and he’s going to lose him. It’s the right thing. That’s what he keeps telling himself. All he and Bucky do is fight lately and when they are not fighting, they are living past one another. Steve has to leave. He can’t take another day, another year. Not when it hurts this much. Not when it’s hurting them both.
He has to tell Bucky today. He booked a flight and it’s leaving tonight. He has packed a backpack and he’s ready to leave the continent. Anything to make sure he doesn’t give in to the temptation of taking Bucky back once he finally works up the courage to let him go.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Bucky says, his voice a little gruff.
“I think we need to talk,” Steve says.
Bucky’s face falls. “Not in bed,” he says.
Steve nods.
He has to do this.
They sit down at the kitchen table. From the window Steve can see their street, familiar faces walking up and down the road and the neighborhood cat washing herself on a brick fence. He’s going to miss this place.
“So what do you want to talk about?” Bucky asks softly.
He sounds so vulnerable and Steve hates what he’s about to do. Once he says the words there’s no way back. He has to do it.
“I want to break up with you,” he says and watches Bucky’s heart shatter.
“Why?” Bucky’s lip wobbles.
“Because you’re not the person I fell in love with and I… I don’t even know who I am anymore. We either fight or don’t see each other for weeks. And I can’t,” Steve says. Tears fill his eyes and drop onto his cheeks. “I can’t do it anymore. I’m losing myself. I need to go.”
“No,” Bucky whispers. “No.”
“I have to. I booked a flight to London. I have to leave,” Steve says. “I can’t be with you anymore.”
“Can’t we figure something out?” Bucky asks. “Please? Stevie. Please? I can do better. I can change.”
“I don’t need you to change. But I do need change.”
“Please?” Bucky asks again, his voice breaking.
“I’m so sorry, Buck,” Steve says.
Bucky closes off. The same looks he always gets when they fight. Steve knows he’ll never be let back in again. He has lost his best friend. He had to do it. He keeps reminding himself over and over that this was the right decision. This is what he needs. What both of them need, eventually. So they can grow, so they can become who they were always meant to be without holding each other back. Steve knows all this and none of it makes him feel better. He feels like the worst person in the world for hurting Bucky like this.
“I’m really sorry,” Steve says again.
“I know. Kinda makes it worse,” Bucky replies.
They sit in silence for 30 minutes until Bucky gets up to make coffee. He automatically makes Steve a cup too, just how Steve likes it. Because he knows Steve. Because he loves Steve even after everything. Even though Steve just broke his heart.
Steve drinks his coffee. He walks through the apartment and gathers his last things.
“You can keep all the furniture. I’ll dump my clothes and stuff at my Ma’s,” Steve says.
“Sure,” Bucky says. “Say hi to her for me. Is that… is that weird now?”
“She’ll still like having you around. You’re practically her second son,” Steve says.
“Alright,” Bucky says awkwardly.
Steve hates himself.
He gathers his stuff in an old suitcase and some trash bags. He says goodbye to Bucky, not really knowing how to act. Before he would have hugged or kissed Bucky. Now they stand in front of each other, unable to look into each other’s eyes.
“Well, bye then,” Bucky says. “S-safe travels.”
“Goodbye,” Steve says and then he walks out the door.
He heads to his mother’s place one block away from the place he used to call his home. He lets himself inside and walks into her kitchen.
“Oh, sweetheart,” his mother says when she sees him.
She stands up and Steve lets himself collapse into her arms. He lets out the sobs that have been building up for far too long.
“You really did it then?” she asks.
“I had to,” Steve says weakly. “It couldn’t go on like this.”
“I know darling.” She caresses his back. “You did a brave thing even if it hurts.”
“Thank you,” he whispers.
She makes him soup and he cries in her kitchen until it’s time to go to the airport. He hugs her goodbye and promises to call. Then he goes through security, walks up to his gate, and boards a plane. He cries during the entire flight. A woman in her seventies sitting next to him hands him some tissues and he thanks her with a watery smile.
“First heartbreak?” she asks after a while.
“Yeah,” Steve says.
“How long were you together?”
“9 years,” he says. “We just grew apart. I ended it this morning.”
“Poor thing,” she says. “First time is always the hardest. It will get better, you just gotta get through the hard part first.”
Steve believes her.
The plane lands in London. Steve makes his way into the city and walks around until he can check into his hotel.
Today is the beginning of the rest of his life.
He did the right thing.