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James Potter was sitting on his couch, an arm around Lily’s shoulders when he felt it.
The ache. The sharp pain that made him clutch at his chest, that made his breathing stop for a moment, that made him get up in a panic, thinking he was having a heart attack.
Lily sat him down and ran diagnostic spells on him. He was perfectly healthy.
But he knew he hadn’t imagined it. He’d never felt pain like this.
***
Two days later, he was making himself a cup of tea while Lily was on an Order mission when he received a Patronus from Remus. His heart dropped when he looked at the silvery Moony in front of him, imagining the worst. But nothing could’ve prepared for the words that came out of the Patronus’ mouth.
‘Regulus is dead. Sirius left the flat. I don’t know where he is. Tell me if he comes to yours.’
For the second time in two days, James was left breathless. He dropped what he was holding, the cup of tea crashing on the floor and spraying boiling hot water on him, but he didn’t even feel it. He felt numb. His crumbled to the ground, his legs no longer able to support him. He fell to his knees, the fragments of broken glass puncturing his skin, making his hands and legs bleed. He didn’t feel any of this either.
It wasn’t possible.
He stayed like this for a few minutes, not realising what he had just heard.
Regulus is dead.
Dead.
No.
He was supposed to save him. He was supposed to convince him to leave. He was supposed to come back to him. They were supposed to live and win the war and build a life for themselves.
He didn’t want to believe this. He couldn’t. It wasn’t possible.
Please leave him another chance, was his first thought. Please, not him. Anyone but him. Anyone but us. I was supposed to make it right.
He didn’t know who he was talking to. James had never believed in any sort of higher power. He believed in himself, in his loved ones, in magic. He didn’t believe in God. God was for muggles. But in that moment, the only thing he could think was Please, let there be a God, and let him bring my Regulus back to me.
He knew how selfish and awful he was being. He had Lily. He had Sirius. He had everything. But the only thing he had ever truly wanted was gone, turning his world upside down with just a few words.
He laid down on the floor, ignoring the shards of glass he was laying down on. He didn’t care.
Regulus was gone, and so was half of himself.
And he didn’t even have anyone to talk to about it. No one knew what they’d had. The only person that did was gone now, bringing their memories to the grave. Forever.
Forever.
The word echoed in James’ head, but he couldn’t find it in himself to understand what it meant. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to believe it was real.
He couldn’t cry.
If the tears started, he was sure they would never stop.
He curled up on the floor and simply stared ahead, but he couldn’t see anything. His vision was blurry, and suddenly all he could see was Regulus. He could see him clear as day, like he was just in front of him. Cupping his cheeks, looking at him lovingly, whispering sweet nothings.
James reached a bleeding hand out to touch him, but as soon as he did, the vision of Regulus disappeared.
Please don’t let me forget his face.
And that’s when the tears started. James let them flow for hours until he passed out in his own tears and blood on the kitchen floor.
***
James was awoken several hours later by a scream, and for one blissful moment, he forgot.
He forgot Regulus was gone. But when he opened his eyes, he felt it again. The ache in his chest. The hollowness of his person’s departure.
James was never going to be whole again. That he was sure of.
“Merlin, James, are you okay? What the fuck happened?” Remus’ concerned voice reached James’ ears, but he didn’t have the strength to register it.
He didn’t have the strength to react when Remus removed the shards from the floor and from James’ skin, or when he cast a healing spell on him.
He didn’t react.
Regulus wasn’t here. And although James hadn’t seen him in two years, he didn’t want to live in a world where Regulus didn’t breath. Where Regulus didn’t wake up in the morning, and ate, and walked, and talked.
Regulus used to tell James he was the sun. But Regulus had always been the stars in the deep night sky. The only one to brighten up James’ darkness, the darkness that only he had been able to see.
“James, please, answer me.”
James looked up at Remus who had laid him down on the couch but he couldn’t say anything. He opened up his mouth and only a choked sob came out of him. It was too much. He felt like he was dying. He wanted to die. He couldn’t live without him. How could Regulus die and expect James to keep on living without him?
“You’re really scaring me right now, Prongs. What happened? Is it Lily? Is she okay?”
“He’s gone,” James whispered, and realisation dawned on Remus’ face. James knew he’d always been a bit suspicious of them back at Hogwarts. But he’d never said anything out loud. Remus, bless his soul, didn’t ask any questions.
He simply wrapped his arms around James and hugged him tightly, probably tighter than he ever had before. James hugged him back, hiding his face in his friend’s neck, breathing in the comforting smell.
He’d never smell Regulus again, but he knew the smell would always linger in the air around him, like it had for the past years, ever since he’d fallen in love with him when they were 14 and 15.
“I love her. I really do. But it’s always been him, Remus. And now he’s gone,” James whispered, his bottom lip quivering. He hated himself for saying it out loud, but as much as he loved and cherished his girlfriend, he’d always known that Regulus was it for him. And if there hadn’t been a war and constant anguish surrounding them… Merlin, he couldn’t even bring himself to think about it.
Was he a horrible person for living a lie? For making Lily, sweet and wonderful Lily, believe that she was the love of his life when he knew half of his heart had always belonged to another?
“It’s okay, James. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. It’s okay to break,” Remus said, as if he had read James’ mind, petting his friend’s hair softly. There were so many questions running through Remus’ head, but now was not the time. He’d only seen James this distraught when his parents had died a year ago, and now it was this all over again, except this time he had no one.
But Remus was there now. He’d always be there for him.
“I felt it. When he left,” James said, tears falling from his eyes. He didn’t try to stop them. He knew he wouldn’t be able to. “It felt like my heart stopped at the same time as his. I thought I was having a heart attack.”
Remus only listened, rocking James slightly to try to calm him down.
“It’s my fault. I should’ve saved him. I wanted to – I was always going to save him. I wasn’t fast enough and now he’s gone,” James said through sobs. It felt good saying it out loud, but it didn’t make his heart hurt any less. Half of him was gone and he’d never get it back. Never. Never.
“It’s not your fault, James,” Remus said softly, backing away just enough to look into his friend’s red eyes. “He chose this. It wasn’t your role to save him.”
This only made James cry harder. He hid his face with his hands, hating that his best friend was seeing him like this. He was supposed to be the strong one, the happy one. But now he felt like he’d never be happy again.
“I can’t do this, Moony. I can’t live without him. I can’t. I don’t want to see the sun or the sky if he doesn’t see it. I don’t want to breath if he’s not breathing- I can’t- I can’t breath.”
James was hyperventilating now, and Remus laid a hand on his chest while patting his back, feeling helpless. He didn’t know what to do. His best friend was breaking in front of him and he had no idea what to do to make it better.
“Then live for him, James.”
They stayed silent for a few moments after this, James managing to calm himself down slowly. It felt so unfair. It felt unfair to be breathing in the air when Regulus wasn’t.
When Regulus never would again.
Regulus had always thought he was made of darkness. But James knew he shined so bright. They had seen each other in ways no one else ever had. They had known each other better than anyone else in the world.
James knew Remus was right. He had to live for Regulus. But his life didn’t have a meaning anymore.
Their hidden moments. Their stolen kisses. Their eye contacts across the Great Hall. Their skins pressing against one another. Their hearts beating in sync. Their moans and breaths mixing into the air. Their I love you’s, whispered shyly in the dark.
Their love had been unlike any other, and now it was all gone, and it was like James’ world was crumbling down. The grief, the denial, the sadness, the brokenness, and the guilt killing him slowly.
Now the only thing he could do was live the life Regulus had told him he wanted him to live the last time they’d seen each other.
But how could he? How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to get up every morning and go to sleep every night when he knew he would never be able to look at Regulus or touch him ever again? When he knew he would never be able to tell him he loved him ever again?
‘Please don’t think about me, James. Go get married, have kids, live until you’re old and grey. Live the normal life you’ve always deserved. Without me.’
Without him. He hadn’t really left him a choice in the end, had he?
Now James was without him. Until his dying breath.