Chapter Text
Lusa is kindness, warmth, comfort. He’s awkward conversations and easygoing smiles, constant reassurances and gentle touches. Comfortable silences, meaningful gestures, genuine emotions... Lusa is all the things Esper wants (needs), but doesn’t know how to ask for; all the things he’s scared to lose (and has), but can’t quite stay away from.
It’s Lusa he goes to when his thoughts run rampant, when chaotic whispers swirl around in his mind, taunting him, tormenting him (because Lusa helps, he always helps, always at least tries). It’s Lusa who soothes him, calms him down when it’s too much for him to handle (he doesn’t remember, never remembers, only ever recalls the sound of Lusa’s voice and the eventual calm that comes with it). It’s Lusa he seeks out when darkness falls, when he’s at his worst and his fears start to surface (because Lusa is comfort, and all he has to ground himself). And it’s Lusa who holds him close, who whispers reassurances that everything will be okay (and it won’t, things won’t ever be okay, not for him. but hearing Lusa say it makes him want to believe that maybe, one day, they will).
Lusa is also strength, irrationality, wrath. He’s over-protectiveness and overwhelming power, quick-tempered and undeniably dangerous. Short fuses with long-burning anger... Lusa is unpredictable, at times menacing. All things that should be avoided, yet Esper can’t quite keep his distance.
It’s Lusa that rushes to his rescue every time he gets himself in too deep (often enough that he expects it, knows that Lusa will come when he’s in trouble). It’s Lusa who deals with the threats he can’t handle (because while he is fragile, Lusa is most definitely not). It’s Lusa that argues on his behalf, fiery temper flaring with every insult directed not at Lusa, but at him (and he hasn’t figured out why his chest hurts so much every time Lusa does that, why some part of him always wants Lusa to defend him despite being completely capable of it himself).
He’s not sure when it started, when this strange stirring in his chest first happened (and what was that feeling? something he’d felt before and lost, something he didn’t think he could ever quite get back). It’s always around Lusa, never anyone else; an increased, irregular heartbeat and a feeling like someone, something, was squeezing his heart itself (it was familiar and it wasn’t, like he’d felt something similar, but not quite this). It scares him, being unable to understand, unable to comprehend, all the while trying to recall where, how, when he’s felt this before (and the dark corners of his mind warn him that maybe he shouldn’t remember).
It scares him, but he never brings it up, never once mentions it. He only sits a little nearer to Lusa than is necessary, touches him more than is required, bothers him more and more often in a bid for attention (it’s the only attention he wants these days, and he wants all of it). Lusa puts up with it all, only ever smiles at him (and even when Lusa’s irritated with him, when Lusa snaps at him, he’s always offered an apology later. always with that sheepish smile and an “I’m sorry, Esper, I didn’ mean it.” that hurts too, confuses him and hurts him and makes him happy all at the same time).
Lusa is a lot of things he wants, needs, appreciates (more than he could ever put into words, because he can never quite voice his thoughts, can never truly figure out his own emotions).
But perhaps most importantly, Lusa is always there, is perhaps the only true constant in his life (because everything changes, everything fades, everything gets taken away from him eventually). Maybe one day that might change (and that thought scares him more than anything else ever could), but until then, he’ll cling to the one lifeline he has.
Above all else, Lusa is his.