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He can’t see anything. Everything is so dark. His eyes are open but everything is pitch black. It’s terrifying, it’s drowning. The darkness is choking him. He has to get out, he has to go. But he can’t see. His legs don’t move, his arms don’t move. He can’t breathe. There’s a heaviness on his chest, on his head. He is being suffocated. His skin is burning, it’s prickling, it hurts. It hurts and he can not move. They are coming to get him. He has to run, he has to run. He’s all alone. He can’t see anything but his body is on fire, his eyes are burning, his heart is racing. It’s all too much. He can’t breathe. He can’t move. He is lifeless.
“Buck, wake up.”
Someone’s calling for him. How do they know his name? No, no, no. They are getting close. He has to run faster.
“Buck.”
He has to run faster but his legs are burning, his lungs are burning. He can’t see anything. Why is everything so dark.
“Buck, c’mon, you have to wake up.”
They are close, they are coming for him. The darkness is here to take him away. It’s here to drown him. Why is he shaking? Why is someone holding him? He has to leave. Now. Before they get him. He’s scared.
“Buck!”
Buck’s own scream jolts him awake. It’s so loud and violent— scratching his ears. He blinks frantically and looks around, watching his surroundings. Where is he? Is he safe? Are they coming to get him? His heart is in his throat, beating so fast that it will give out any second now. It’s scares him. His lungs are burning.
“Buck, you have to breathe.”
He can’t breathe. Is he holding his breath? He doesn’t know. All he knows is that he can not breathe. He is suffocating. He is going to die. They are going to kill him.
“Baby, you’re scaring me.” Someone touches his shoulder. Another loud sob rips his throat. His throat is a mess. He’s gonna pass out. He can not breathe.
“Buck! Breathe!” Someone grabs his shoulder and shakes him, hard. Buck snaps his head to his side to see what—who, that is. Eddie? Why is Eddie here?
“Eddie?” Buck wants to say but he can’t open his mouth. He can’t breathe. His lungs are burning and it hurts.
“Buck, breathe with me.” Eddie takes a deep breath in front of him and holds it a few seconds, then lets it out.
He wants to do the same, but he can’t. He can’t.
“You can. You can. Breathe with me. C’mon, Buck.” Eddie breathes in and holds it again.
This time, Buck tries to breathe with him by taking a breath through his nose, but he can’t; his mouth falls open as he sucks in a huge air but the air doesn’t reach his lungs. He only ends up coughing loudly.
“No, no. Through your nose. Look at me. Like this.” Eddie repeats the movement.
Buck’s eyes are stinging with tears as he tries one more time, his vision blurry. His heart is still pounding in his chest and nothing helps.
“That’s it. That’s it. Now exhale from your mouth.” Eddie blows the air in his lungs through his mouth, eyes locked with Buck’s to guide him.
Buck does the same, not glancing away from Eddie’s eyes even for a second while they repeat the pattern over and over again until he feels like he can breathe again.
“There you go. One last time.” Eddie’s soft voice guides him through as he takes in one last deep breath, and then lets it out.
“You did so good, Buck.”
Did he? He feels like shit.
Buck lets his head fall on his bent knees and hides his face between his trembling hands. A violent shiver wrecks his whole body as he closes his eyes. All he can hear is his own blood rushing through his ears, beating like a drum.
“Are you okay?” Eddie asks him. His voice sounds so worried and it’s because of him. He’s the reason for that. The guilt eats him alive.
“I’m okay.” Buck manages to answer with a whisper. His throat is sore, burning and scratching as he talks. “I’m okay.”
It’s the same thing every night. Over and over again. Buck is sick of it. He’s sick of waking up with screams and cries. He’s sick of waking Eddie up for his own fucked up nightmares. He is sick of it.
“Buck—“
“I— uh, I’m—I’m gonna go sit in the kitchen for a while.” Buck shoots Eddie a quick glance before he tumbles out of bed. “I’ll be back, okay? You go to sleep.” He won’t, but maybe he can make Eddie go back to sleep if he says he will. Buck doesn’t want Eddie to wait for him. Waste his sleep for him.
The look Eddie gives Buck makes Buck’s heart ache. His soft hazel eyes are looking at him with worry and sadness, and it’s all Buck’s fault. It doesn’t suit Eddie.
Buck leaves their bedroom without waiting for an answer.
Buck buries his face in his hands as he sits on the kitchen table. He closes his eyes and listens to the stillnes that is the night, or tries to. He used to hate the silence, the stillness. He would go crazy without something that keeps his mind occupied; but now he yearns for it. His mind is too loud, too violent. The voices in his head are deafening. There is a war going on between himself and his mind; and the winner isn’t him.
Slow and steady footsteps fill the kitchen and they end when they reach the chair next to Buck’s.
“Hey, Buck.” A quiet, gentle voice calls out to him. A voice that belongs to a person that isn’t suppose to be awake right now.
Buck lifts his head from his hands and looks at the boy sitting next to him. “Chris?” Great. He woke him up, too. As if Eddie wasn’t enough. “Why are you awake, buddy? Did I wake you?”
“It’s okay.” Chris says. And he probably means it, too; which hurts Buck even more, because it shouldn’t be okay. He should be sleeping right now.
“I’m sorry. Did you— did you hear me?” He doesn’t want to know the answer to that. But he asks anyway.
“I hear you every night, Buck.” Great. Fantastic.
“Chris I’m so sor—“
“Buck.” A small hand lands on Buck’s face and starts caressing his cheek with it’s soft thumb. “It’s not your fault.”
Hot tears sting the back of Buck’s eye as his vision gets blurred by tears. The lump on his throat suddenly feels to heavy. Buck rests his hand on Chris’. Buck’s trembling lips manages a tiny smile.
“Do you remember what you see?” Chris asks him.
Buck can say no, he can make something up. But he doesn’t lie to Chris, ever.
“Uh…” Buck looks down before he continues. “I don’t really see anything.” His voice quiet and weak. “It’s just darkness behind my eyes.” He takes in a shuddering breath. “But, but I feel everything.” It’s the truth. He doesn’t see anything. He doesn’t see a place, a person, nothing. But he feels everything that’s happening in his dream. And somehow it’s even worse.
“That sounds scary.”
A wet laugh chokes out of Buck’s throat. “Yeah, yeah it is.” He bites his lips to hold his sob.
“It’s okay to be scared. You have us. Me and dad will protect you.”
No matter how hard he tries, his tears betray him and fall down his face. He nods his head and looks at Chris with a pained smile on his lips. “You’re a good kid.” Buck whispers.
The day he was dreading eventually comes. Eddie goes back to work.
They are in the kitchen, waiting for Chris to get ready so Eddie can drop him off to Tia Pepa before going to work.
“Buck, if you don’t want me to go, I’ll talk to Bobby.” Eddie tells him. Eddie is looking at Buck with soft, tender eyes, waiting for an answer.
Don’t go don’t go don’t go please don’t leave me alone please don’t go. “You can go, Eddie. I’ll be fine.” Buck answers.
Buck instantly notices the way Eddie’s fingers twitch and his body almost turns to Buck’s side before Eddie stops himself and rests his back against the chair. It’s like a punch to Buck’s guts. Because it’s because of him.
Buck doesn’t even know when it started to become an issue, it doesn’t always happen, but sometimes he can’t help himself. Sometimes, when he is too lost in his thoughts— unaware of the world around him, a sudden touch makes him flinch. But when it’s with Eddie, when he realizes the touch is coming from Eddie, he immediately relaxes and lets his guard down. But that doesn’t change his initial reaction. And because of that, Eddie stops touching him. And Buck hates every part of it. He hates how his mind, how his body, stabs him in the back and decide to startle under the touch of the person that brings him the most comfort. Buck despises himself for how he pushes Eddie away when in fact, Eddie’s all he craves, all he yearns for, all he needs.
But it doesn’t change anything.
“Are you sure? You know Bobby won’t cause a problem.” Eddie asks one more time.
“Yes, I’m sure. You can go.”
He doesn’t want Eddie to go.
He feels like shit. Eddie and Chris have been gone for eight hours, and he hasn’t left the bed in eight hours.
Buck has been in the bed for eight hours, but all he has been doing is to stare blankly. And his eyes beg him for some sleep. But Buck is too tired to even close them, he is too tired to breathe, even. His eyes feel like rocks— too heavy, too harsh, and he can’t close them because he doesn’t have the energy for it. That; and he is too scared to fall asleep, because there is no one around to wake him up from his nightmares. So he has no option to stay awake. But the house is still, too still, and it’s making him go crazy. He misses Eddie, he misses Chris, and they aren’t here. He is all alone. It’s the same feeling as his nightmares.
Buck hardly gets himself off the bed and goes to the bathroom to wash his face. The cold water hitting his face makes him shiver as the liquid trails down his neck. Buck drops his head down, clenches his eyes shut and opens them again. His head feels heavy, his heart feels heavy, everything is heavy, and he doesn’t know how to take it anymore. He feels suffocated, tired, scared. He feels fucked up.
He has to get out. He has to leave the house. He needs to breathe.
Buck puts on a jacket and leaves the house. Ten minutes later, he remembers he left his phone at the house, but he doesn’t go back. He needs to go somewhere, anywhere.
It’s dark outside when he lets himself in to the house. He doesn’t know the time, his head feels fuzzy. Buck feels numb.
The lights are on, so Eddie must be home. The thought of Eddie being at home relieves Buck, but the feeling falls short as he hears turns around to close the door and hears a bitter voice speaking to him— flinching at the sudden sound.
“Where were you?”
Buck turns around to see Eddie standing in the living room, his hands resting on his hips, staring at him with knitted brows. He looks furious. Buck can practically see Eddie shake with anger. Eddie’s eyes are red rimmed, and he is digging his teeth into his lower lip, breathing sharply through his nose.
It’s one of the rare moments where Buck sees Eddie this upset.
“I was out.” Buck answers, his voice shaking slightly. Buck’s eyes refuse to meet Eddie’s.
“Yeah, I can see that.” Eddie blurts out. “Where were you, Buck?”
“I was walking around.” Buck pinches the bridge of his nose and then looks around. He feels too exhausted and battered to have this conversation with Eddie. He wants to go to bed.
“Why didn’t you bring your phone with you?” Eddie takes a step towards him and tilts his head, forcing their eyes to meet.
“I forgot.” Buck walks past him and tosses his jacket on the couch.
“You forgot?” Eddie paces towards him and stands right before him— blocking his exit.
“Yeah, I forgot. What’s your deal?!” Buck stares at Eddie for the first time since his arrival. He can’t really tell the emotion behind them, but he doesn’t like it. It makes his heart skip a beat, his hands start to sweat from the tense air surrounding the room.
“What’s your deal, Buck? Do you know how scared I was?” Eddie’s voice raises slightly, anger and worry dripping all over.
Buck lets out a scoff and crosses his arms. “No, I don’t. Tell me about it.” As if he doesn’t know what being scared to death mean.
Eddie’s eyes pop out of his head and he raises his brows. He lifts his hand and runs it through his hair violently. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”
“What? You thought I was kidnapped again?” Buck snarks. “Well I’m here aren’t I?”
“But you weren’t! You weren’t here!”
Buck is not sure they are talking about today’s incident, anymore.
“You weren’t here, Buck! You were gone for two months!” Eddie yells. “You were gone and I wasn’t even sure you were ever gonna come back!” His shaking hands waving in the air, fingers pointed at Buck.
“Stop. Shut up.” Buck brings his hand to his hair, tugging the strands to feel something other than the slow panic rising in his chest. He walks away from Eddie, taking a step back.
“You were gone for two months, and I died every day without you! I woke up everyday, and you were gone!”
“Shut up!” Buck shouts, his eyes slowly filling with tears. His heart is beating out his chest. And his whole body is on fire.
“Do you have any idea—“
“Shut up! Stop!”
“—what I felt whenever my phone rang and I thought they were calling me to tell me they found your body?!” Eddie chokes out a loud sob as he continues. “Do you know even know how scared I was of losing you?!”
“Do I know what it was like to feel scared?!” Buck paces towards Eddie. “Do I know?!”
“Buck—“
“Two months, Eddie. I was in that hole, for two months!” Buck’s breath hitches in his throat. “I was in that hole for two months, getting my brain fried every single fucking day!” A loud cry tears Buck’s lips. “I didn’t know where I was, I didn’t know if I was alive or dead! I was too fucked up that I barely remember what happened in those two months, Eddie!”
“Baby, please…”
“I was alone and— and scared and I was hurt!” His tears don’t stop. His heart is too heavy. Violent trembles wreck his weak body. “And I begged, begged God to kill me!” Buck chokes on another sob. He shakes his head frantically as the tears fall.
“And I waited and waited and waited but no one saved me!” He points his shaking finger to Eddie’s chest and presses hard. “I was all alone!”
That’s all it comes to, doesn’t it? Buck all alone, waiting desperately to be found; Eddie all alone, trying desperately to find Buck.
“I was so scared!” Buck’s knees crumble as he loses all his strength and falls on the floor. He is not here anymore, he is in that hole, waiting for someone, begging for someone, alone and scared and hurt.
For two months, Buck was in that hole. Away from his family, away from his life, away from himself. For two months, Buck was alive, but he wasn’t.
“I was so scared!” Painful cries echo in the room as Buck cries his heart out, as he shatters into millions of pieces.
As his broken body shakes with torturous tremors and gut wrenching sobs, Buck feels a light touch on the tip of his finger. A light touch that asks for a permission to hold him; telling him I will catch you if you fall. And that light touch is all Buck needs to let himself go completely and surrenders the weight of his own world. Buck lets that light touch catches him as he falls apart.
“I got you. I got you.”
Buck digs his fingers in Eddie’s arms— clinging onto him for dear life and he buries his face in Eddie’s chest, facing away from the rest of the world.
“Why? I didn’t deserve this!” Buck cries into Eddie’s chest as his intense shakes convulse both of them, rocking their bodies back and forth. “Why me?!”
“I don’t know. I swear I don’t know.” Eddie is crying, too— choking out quiet sobs. He tightens his grip on Buck and pulls him deeper into his chest.
“I didn’t do anything!”
“I know, baby. I know” Eddie buries his nose in Buck’s hair and breathes him in. He slides his hand to Buck’s head and envelops him in his arms.
“Eddie…”
“Let go, Buck. I got you.”
As Buck crumbles underneath the pain and agony, Eddie holds him tight— protecting him from his demons.
Buck doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but when he comes to himself slowly, as his painful sobs subside and turn into soft hitches, he feeld Eddie’s arms still holding him close to his chest, his one hand in his hair, scratching his scalp lightly. They are slumped on the floor, impossibly close to eachother.
Buck feels... lighter. But also extremely drained. His voice is scratchy and raspy when he talks. “I saw you.” It’s barely above a whisper and even that strains his throat.
“Hm?” Buck feels Eddie’s adam’s apple bob.
“When I was in there, I saw you.” Buck lifts his hand to rest it on Eddie’s chest. “I tried to reach for you, but I couldn’t.” He swallows. “I guess I was too out of it to know it wasn’t real.”
“Evan.” Eddie’s voice cracks before he kisses the top of Buck’s head.
“Why don’t you touch me anymore?” Buck croaks out. It’s probably not the best time, but he has to know.
“I can’t handle seeing you flinch like you are in pain whenever I touch you. I can’t handle that.”
“I missed you.”
“I missed you, too. So much.” Buck feels the arms around him hold him firmer.
“I want to get better.” He confesses. He does. He wants to get better. For himself, for Eddie, for Chris, for everyone.
“We will get better together, I promise you.”
And maybe, that’s their first step to healing.